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426
426
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This certainly is a disturbingly dark piece. It gave me feelings of a very chilling emptiness that fills one's soul yet never makes its presence known to the outside world.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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427
427
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is an interesting introduction that was written for this exercise.

Grammar & Punctuation: Since you asked for suggestions on grammar, vocabulary, etc. I offer the following.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ when he woke up in the midnight.'
Suggest: when he woke up in the night.
or
Suggest: when he woke up at midnight.

In this phrase, ‘ There's no sight of any lifes around him accept the burning remains'
Suggest: There's no sign of any life around him except the burning remains

In this phrase, ‘ the freezing wind that scared this 19 year old boy,'
Suggest: the freezing wind were not what scared this 19-year-old boy,

In this sentence, ‘ Something he could never imagine it do exists in this world.'
Suggest: Something he could never imagine to exist in this world.



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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428
428
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a very encouraging and uplifting piece that I'm sure was a bit difficult to write in places. It does, however, need some additional editorial work.

Grammar & Punctuation: Suggest using fewer dashes in the punctuation.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ My mother-Pastor Joyce Dreiman was called home'
Suggest: My mother, Pastor Joyce Dreiman, was called home

In this phrase, ‘ Approximately 2 weeks later-she had trouble breathing'
Suggest: Approximately two weeks later, she had trouble breathing

In this phrase, ‘ to point out-that no-one is guaranteed another moment of life-so you'
Suggest: to point out that no one is guaranteed another moment of life, so you

In this phrase, ‘ I didn’t want her to die-I would have given'
Suggest: I didn't want her to die. I would have given

In this phrase, ‘ This is shown in 2 Corinthians 5:8"We are confident,'
Suggest: This is shown in 2 Corinthians 5:8: "We are confident,

In this phrase, ‘ Death has been swelled up in victory.'
Suggest: Death has been swallowed up in victory.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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429
429
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, George. Jaye here. I am reviewing this piece at your request. I have previously reviewed the first eleven chapters.

General Impressions: This is an excellent series of chapters where you keep the action going full-tilt from one scene to the next.

Characters: You continue to portray your main characters realistically, in accordance with their individual personalities.

Dialog: Dialog seems natural.

Plot: You are doing a very good job of plotting this thriller.

Format: Suggest putting thoughts into italics, without quotation marks, in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.

I believe the book titles should be in italics.

Grammar & Punctuation: Suggest hyphenating compound adjectives, i.e., when two or more words are combined to describe a noun.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ sidewalk of the still bustling Champs-Élysées.'
Suggest: sidewalk of the still-bustling Champs-Élysées.

In this phrase, ‘ that the glasses delilah had filled were gone;'
Suggest: that the glasses Delilah had filled were gone;

In this phrase, ‘ "Volumes a bit low, Jonathon," '
Suggest: "Volume's a bit low, Jonathon,"

In this sentence, ‘ "What's wrong Ju? '
Suggest: "What's wrong, Ju?

In this phrase, ‘ its ravenous pages coarsing with immense power '
Suggest: its ravenous pages coursing with immense power

In this phrase, ‘ lemon-yellow pantsuit with three quarter length sleeves, '
Suggest: lemon-yellow pantsuit with three-quarter length sleeves,

In this phrase, ‘ Ragout adamantly shook his head in affirmation of what Judas said.]
Suggest: Ragout adamantly nodded his head in affirmation of what Judas said.

In this sentence, ‘ "Clay Wellington has agreed to begin work today, Francois said. '
Suggest: "Clay Wellington has agreed to begin work today," Francois said.

In this phrase, ‘ Matthew, chapter five: verse five. '
Suggest: Matthew, Chapter Five: Verse Five.

In this phrase, ‘ Selmer, Paris reference model 84,'
Suggest: Selmer, Paris reference Model 84,

In this phrase, ‘ Wtih everyone watching,'
Suggest: With everyone watching,

In this sentence, ‘ "Yes, Clay." I can hear you. '
Suggest: "Yes, Clay. I can hear you.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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430
430
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Short Stories Newsletter dated August 26 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is an absolutely thrilling, and chilling, story. I wasn't ready for it to end quite when it did, as I felt it should be more "wrapped up".

Characters: You have done a very good job of defining the main characters, giving each his/her own personality through their words and actions.

Dialog: Dialog if very realistic and feels natural.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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431
431
Review of The Drift  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Horror/Scary Newsletter dated August 26 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: Wow! Talk about choosing one's own fate! I'm not sure I would have made the same choice.

Characters: You did an excellent job of portraying Jon's character through his thoughts and actions.

Dialog: No dialog is utilized but none is needed.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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432
432
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

General Impressions: This is an interesting piece that I found a bit confusing, especially as far as the gender of the characters and the motivation for the rejection.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this sentence, ‘ Our hands clasp for a satisfied moment.'
Suggest: Our hands clasp for a satisfying moment.

In this phrase, ‘ or unable for what ever reason, '
Suggest: or unable for whatever reason,


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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433
433
Review of Shadow Detective  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Horror/Scary Newsletter dated August 26 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a very good story that grabbed my attention right away and ran away with it, right to the end.

Characters: You did an excellent job of portraying your main character, her fears and her self-doubts.

Dialog: No dialog is utilized, but none seems needed.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ that she couldn’t here a sound outside the house'
Suggest: that she couldn’t hear a sound outside the house

In this phrase, ‘ What ever she heard,'
Suggest: Whatever she heard,

In this phrase, ‘ seen it before, and chided herself for missing it before.'
Suggest: seen it before, and chided herself for missing it.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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434
434
Review of Cellar Dark  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Horror/Scary Newsletter dated August 26 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: Oh, wow! What a horrifying vision you've created in so very few words. It almost leaves me speechless.

Characters: You did a good job of portraying Jack and his growing fear.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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435
435
Review of Folgers Falls  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, George. Jaye here. I'm reviewing this piece at your request.

General Impressions: I loved this little piece and it gave me a much-needed laugh.

Characters: You've done a very good job of showing your main character through his actions, thoughts and words.

Dialog: Dialog is realistic and seems natural.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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436
436
Review of Life and Art  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Drama Newsletter dated August 26 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a very good story that defines an example of what seems to be the ideal muse.

Characters: You have done a good job of showig the narrator's hesitancy in accepting the inspiration and then wholeheartedly embracing it.

Dialog: Dialog is not utilized.

Format: You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.

Some of the paragraphs here are very long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.

Grammar & Punctuation: Only one suggestion.
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ which was done so immediately. '
Suggest: which was done immediately.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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437
437
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Drama Newsletter dated August 26 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is an interesting piece where you've addressed creativity in a whole new way.

Characters: You've done a good job of showing the conflicts of Prince Tate through his thoughts and actions.

Dialog: Dialog seems realistic.

Format: You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.

When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ punishments for humans range fro charges'
Suggest: punishments for humans range from charges

In this phrase, ‘ as I normally would of.'
Suggest: as I normally would have.

In this phrase, ‘ everything in my live have to be a puzzle?'
Suggest: everything in my life have to be a puzzle?


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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438
438
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbie Works List and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is an interesting scenario. However, it really doesn't contain a resolution to the conflict set up, Holly adjusting to "life on the farm".

Characters: You've done a good job of personifying Holly as a sort of "spoiled brat" who has to adjust to stricter conditions.

Dialog: Dialog is realistic.

Format: Suggest eliminating the parentheses and, if the information contained adds to the story, work it into the regular narrative.

Grammar & Punctuation: When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ moved here to this middle of no where,'
Suggest: moved here to this middle of nowhere,

In this phrase, ‘ you like me to take your bags miss," '
Suggest: you like me to take your bags, miss,"

In this phrase, ‘ Small, low life people like him'
Suggest: Small, low-life people like him

In this phrase, ‘ "Yes Ma'am." The cab driver '
Suggest: "Yes, Ma'am." The cab driver

In this sentence, ‘ They're to expensive. '
Suggest: They're too expensive.

In this phrase, ‘ was an old, beat down, truck.'
Suggest: was an old, beat-down truck.

In this phrase, ‘ I climbed into the drivers seat '
Suggest: I climbed into the driver's seat

In this sentence, ‘ Something I never did in the cuty'
Suggest: Something I never did in the city.

In this phrase, ‘ grocery store and found a spot to part.'
Suggest: grocery store and found a spot to park.

In this phrase, ‘ his hand and i took it willingly,'
Suggest: his hand and I took it willingly,

In this phrase, ‘ I'm really dorry about that.'
Suggest: I'm really sorry about that.

In this phrase, ‘ Your moms been really excited'
Suggest: Your mom's been really excited

In this phrase, ‘ help her alot during the summer.'
Suggest: help her a lot during the summer.

In this phrase, ‘ end a farm that big by themselves.'
Suggest: end a farm that big by herself.

In this phrase, ‘ see you again soon Holly.'
Suggest: see you again soon, Holly.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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439
439
Review of The Voyage  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbie Works List and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a good beginning to this story that arouses reader interest in his visions and what he has discovered due to them.

Characters: You have done a good job of showing the Captain as a decent man who means no harm.

Dialog: No dialog is utilized.

Format: Paragraphs here are very long. You might want to break them into shorter ones.

Grammar & Punctuation:

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ filled the air with the dred of the unknown.'
Suggest: filled the air with the dread of the unknown.

In this phrase, ‘ they had sprout from the land itself '
Suggest: they had sprouted from the land itself

In this phrase, ‘ sprung up so quickly despit the obvious evidence'
Suggest: sprung up so quickly despite the obvious evidence

In this phrase, ‘ Many hours passed with his paced hindered'
Suggest: Many hours passed with his pace hindered


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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440
440
Review of Photo  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is an interesting piece that nicely expresses the draw of photography. It does, however, need some work.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this sentence, ‘ I look into my cameras preview screen.'
Suggest: I look into my camera's preview screen.

In this phrase, ‘ I can change that details.'
Suggest: I can change those details.

In this phrase, ‘ one way for my to express myself '
Suggest: one way for me to express myself

In this phrase, ‘ 99% of the time,'
Suggest: Ninety-nine percent of the time,


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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441
441
Review of Untitled Poem 1  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This poem gave me such a feeling of dispair and almost despondency, it made me very sad.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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442
442
Review of Maybe, Someday  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbie Works List and was intrigued by the title.

General Impressions: This is a very good piece that is heart-wrenching in the feelings it portrays.

Format: You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ The jade colored couch '
Suggest: The jade-colored couch

In this phrase, ‘ “I have a young 16 year-old who contacted'
Suggest: “I have a young 16-year-old who contacted

In this phrase, ‘ regret of not ending my pain hen I had the chance.'
Suggest: regret of not ending my pain when I had the chance.

In this phrase, ‘ She told me I have a lot to love for. I just haven’t seen'
Suggest: She told me I have a lot to live for, I just haven’t seen

In this phrase, ‘ many times before’ cold and piercing. '
Suggest: many times before, cold and piercing.

In this sentence, ‘ She thought I through a temper tantrum.'
Suggest: She thought I threw a temper tantrum.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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443
443
Review of A Time to Shine  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbie Works List and was intrigued by the title.

General Impressions: This is a very good scenario that seems to be the opening scene for a longer story. It would be better to reveal over the course of a longer piece what had happened and what had caused the apparent amnesia.

Characters: You do a good job of portraying Tina through her thoughts.

Dialog: The dialog is minimal but realistic.

Format: When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ that is my goal and my dream,'
Suggest: That is my goal and my dream,

In this phrase, ‘ What ever happened '
Suggest: Whatever happened

In this phrase, ‘ we figured you woud get up".'
Suggest: we figured you would get up".


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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444
444
Review of Not A Choice  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbie Works List and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a good, very impassioned plea, that is well written and flows nicely.

Format: You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.

Grammar & Punctuation: The period at the end of a sentence should be followed by two spaces.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ and i wish I could tell more people.'
Suggest: and I wish I could tell more people.

In this phrase, ‘ lifestyle in the Twenty First century.'
Suggest: lifestyle in the Twenty-First Century.

In this phrase, ‘ I cannot verbly say the two, simple words.'
Suggest: I cannot verbally say the two simple words.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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445
445
Review of Hands  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbie Works List and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a very good scene, but it seems as if a goodly portion of the story itself is missing. You might want to flesh it out and tell readers more about the relationship - perhaps before the apparent breakup.

Characters: You do a good job of putting the reader into the shoes of your main character, showing how she feels about the person and the relationship.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ I looked at, quite in shock '
Suggest: I looked up, quite in shock

In this phrase, ‘ He lead me to the bed and I sat down,'
Suggest: He led me to the bed and I sat down,


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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446
446
Review of Amnesia  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbie Works List and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a good story that brings up some very interesting concepts. However, it doesn't feel quite "wrapped up" and many concepts are left unexplored.

Characters: You have done a good job of personfying Walter though we still don't know how he really feels about Edith's situation.

Dialog: Little dialog is utilized, but what is seems realistic.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ angel posed with hand in prayer '
Suggest: angel posed with hands in prayer



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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447
447
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Newbie Works List and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a good story though it does need a considerable amount of additional work.

Characters: You have done a good job in portraying your characters, showing their personalities through their actions.

Dialog: What little dialog used seems realistic.

Format: You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.

Some of the paragraphs here are very long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.

When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.

Grammar & Punctuation: When writing dialog, each person's spoken words should be enclosed in quotation marks with a comma following the quoted speech prior to the speaker tag.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ This time it are the feet of her man'
Suggest: This time it is the feet of her man

In this phrase, ‘ She asked him this morning too be home '
Suggest: She asked him this morning to be home

In this phrase, ‘ clock showed nine, already an hour to late. '
Suggest: clock showed nine, already an hour late.

In this phrase, ‘ lamb that lay comfortably and warm'
Suggest: lamb that lay comfortable and warm

In this phrase, ‘ Than very slowly the mad look '
Suggest: Then very slowly the mad look

In this phrase, ‘ They took of their clothes'
Suggest: They took off their clothes


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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448
448
Review of Dream Forge  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I'm visiting your port this morning and reviewing some items per your request.

General Impressions: This is another very descriptive piece where you do a terrific job in revealing these "visions" of mental processes.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ as eyes dim and breathe becomes shallow,'
Suggest: as eyes dim and breath becomes shallow,


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

Image #1541185 over display limit. -?-
449
449
Review of Dance.  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I'm visiting your port this morning and reviewing some items per your request. Since you mentioned that dialog is a particular problem, I'll try to concentrate on that.

General Impressions: This is an interesting piece where you've done a good job of contrasting the social mores of the two eras.

Characters: Your characters are all defined nicely and in compliance with the time of the scene.

Dialog: Dialog is realistic and seems natural.

Grammar & Punctuation: When writing dialog, a comma should follow the quoted speech prior to the speaker tag.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ exquisite pieces of furniture, scattered about'
Suggest: exquisite pieces of furniture and scattered about

In this phrase, ‘ “No, you can’t have that” the bartender '
Suggest: “No, you can’t have that,” the bartender

In this phrase, ‘ and unexplainably feel much better'
Suggest: and inexplicably feel much better

In this phrase, ‘ the lady I danced with earlier walking out shortly after.'
Suggest: the lady I danced with earlier walks out.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

Image #1541185 over display limit. -?-
450
450
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I'm visiting your port this morning and reviewing some items per your request. Since you mentioned that dialog is a particular problem, I'll try to concentrate on that.

General Impressions: You do an excellent job with your descriptions - you've painted some beautiful scenes here.

I think that you are intended the afterward to be a stream of conscious thing, which is why you've written it without punctuation. I believe it would be less jarring with apostrophes where appropriate and, perhaps, elipses separating the phrases.

Grammar & Punctuation: In the first paragraph, you begin with present tense and end with past tense. Tenses should be consistent.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ whichever way I head, the destination would be the same.'
Suggest: whichever way I head, the destination will be the same.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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