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451
451
Review of Dress  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I'm visiting your port this morning and reviewing some items per your request. Since you mentioned that dialog is a particular problem, I'll try to concentrate on that.

General Impressions: This is a beautiful piece that exudes an almost dream-like quality.

Characters: You do a good job of picturing the artistic mind at work, showing the reader what it might be like inhabiting this creative spirit.

Dialog: No dialog is utilized.

Grammar & Punctuation: Suggest hyphenating compound adjectives, i.e., when two or more words are combined to describe a noun.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ a brown furred rabbit hopping about,'
Suggest: a brown-furred rabbit hopping about,

In this phrase, ‘ than the actual crafting process'
Suggest: then the actual crafting process


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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452
452
Review of *Untitled Novel*  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Request Reviews Page and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is certainly an interesting beginning to this tale that rouses reader interest in what happens to this young girl.

Characters: You've done a good job of gaining sympathy for your main character and bringing her across realistically.

Dialog: Dialog is believable and seems natural.

Format: Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ tears in her eyes had the quarterback run for her,'
Suggest: tears in her eyes, the quarterback ran for her,

In this phrase, ‘ and definitely not to fancy.'
Suggest: and definitely not too fancy.

In this phrase, ‘ a mould infested cube him and I had shared'
Suggest: a mould-infested cube he and I had shared

In this phrase, ‘ Collapsing onto my hard matress, '
Suggest: Collapsing onto my hard mattress,

In this phrase, ‘ someone was yelling in my ears.'
Suggest: someone was yelling in my ear.

In this phrase, ‘ I riminisced about any good times'
Suggest: I reminisced about any good times

In this phrase, ‘ I’d just inhaled it in one foul swoop.'
Suggest: I’d just inhaled it in one fell swoop.

In this phrase, ‘ my eyes were lying a gorgeous young man'
Suggest: The word "lying" doesn't seem appropriate here.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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453
453
Review of Hopes and fears  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Request Reviews Page and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: I don't quite think that you've gotten across what you intended as the dialog seems more nonsensical than it does in any way romantic. I could pick up no emotion other than contempt for the others by the VP character.

Format: When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ smoked salmon over to my plate.'
Suggest: smoked salmon onto my plate.

In this phrase, ‘ sushi was uncooked, bacteria infested fish flesh.'
Suggest: sushi was uncooked, bacteria-infested fish flesh.

In this phrase, ‘ “So, erm, this paper says i’m supposed to find out'
Suggest: “So, Erm, this paper says I’m supposed to find out

In this phrase, ‘ too busy stuck in their watery clicks.'
Suggest: too busy stuck in their watery cliques.

In this phrase, ‘ Yadder yadder yadder, '
Suggest: Yadda, yadda, yadda,

In this phrase, ‘ that no amount of injections could cure her anaemia.'
Suggest: Spelling - "anaemia"?


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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454
454
Review of Counting Sheep  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Request Reviews Page and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a very gripping tale that held my interest throughout. I would have, however, liked to have known what it was that he had done that was about to be brought out into the light.

Characters: You did a good job of portraying your VP character through his thoughts and his actions.

Dialog: Dialog wasn't utilized.

Format: Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ He could get a wink in edge wise.'
Suggest: He couldn't get a wink in edge wise.

In this phrase, ‘ A sound, found but distinct,'
Suggest: A sound, faint but distinct,

In this phrase, ‘ sounds growing with every inch he took.'
Suggest: sounds growing with every move he made.



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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455
455
Review of The Notepad  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Request Reviews Page and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is an absolutely fascinating story. What a terrific idea.

Characters: The notepad itself seems to be the main character in this tale and its "talents" make for a great read.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ that guy from her high school reunion.'
Suggest: that guy from her high-school reunion.

In this phrase, ‘ usually having been minted in the mid-1960s.'
Suggest: usually having been printed in the mid-1960s.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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456
Review of Independence Day  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Short Stories Newsletter dated August 19 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a very moving story that brought tears to my eyes. Terrific job.

Characters: You did a good job of defining both of your main characters through their words and actions as well as your narrator's thoughts.

Dialog: Dialog is natural and believable.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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457
457
Review of Dear God  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

General Impressions: This is a very moving piece in which I can just hear the pleading in the voice of the mind. It says so much in such few words. Beautiful.

Grammar & Punctuation: Only one suggestion.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ Dear, God, '
Suggest: Dear God,


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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458
458
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

General Impressions: This is a beautiful piece that serves as a reminder of a portion of us quite often neglected and/or ignored. Well done.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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459
459
Review of Pigeon Parade  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

General Impressions: I thoroughly enjoyed this poem that draws a parallel between the behavior of birds and man, regardless of how subtle.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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460
460
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Mystery Newsletter dated August 19 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a good story although I would have liked to see more explanation of what happened and who the visitors were.

Characters: The main character is well defined through the nurses' notes, though mostly medical.

Dialog: No dialog is utilized.

Grammar & Punctuation: Suggest hyphenating compound adjectives, i.e., when two or more words are combined to describe a noun.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ thirty-five year career in sales '
Suggest: thirty-five-year career in sales

In this phrase, ‘ Quarter sized red area noted'
Suggest: Quarter-sized red area noted

In this phrase, ‘ Has two middle aged male visitors '
Suggest: Has two middle-aged male visitors

In this phrase, ‘ fearful stating “They’re gonna kill me.” '
Suggest: fearful stating, “They’re gonna kill me.”


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

Image #1541185 over display limit. -?-
461
461
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Newbie's Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a good story of a girl who evokes more than a bit of pity from the reader and hope for her turnaround.

Characters: You do a good job of showing Imogen through her thoughts and others reaction to her.

Dialog: No dialog is ultilized.

Grammar & Punctuation: Only one suggestion.
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ some shifty looking fella was fast asleep'
Suggest: some shifty-looking fella was fast asleep


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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462
462
Review of The Madnes  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Newbie's Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is an action-packed, fast-paced little piece that grabs reader interest and holds onto it.

Characters: Your main character may seem a bit superhuman, but you've made him believable. Men can do great things when in danger.

Dialog: No dialog is utilized here, but none feels needed.

Grammar & Punctuation: In your title, do you mean "Madness"?

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ a grenade had gone off near to me. '
Suggest: a grenade had gone off near me.

In this phrase, ‘ black flag with Iraqi writing on pinned up on the wall behind me.'
Suggest: black flag, with Iraqi writing on it, pinned up on the wall behind me.

In this sentence, ‘ I know there’s a guy either side of me.'
Suggest: I know there’s a guy on either side of me.

In this phrase, ‘ I’m coming home guys.'
Suggest: I’m coming home, guys.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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463
463
Review of untitled book  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Newbie's Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This piece looks like a good episode, perhaps the opening, of an on-going story.

Characters: Since you have limited information here, I'm assuming that you will further develop your characters and their individual personalities as the story progresses.

Dialog: Dialog seems natural.

Format: You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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464
464
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Newbie's Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is an interesting tidbit that would make a very good scene in a longer story.

Characters: You seem to tell us more about your characters than allow us to glimpse their personalities from their actions as they inter-relate.

Dialog: Dialog seems realistic.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ relaxed as the DC10 made its way '
Suggest: Did they make DC-10s in 1948?


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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465
465
Review of Crystal Melody  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Newbie's Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: Wow! This is certainly an impactful little piece. It would make a fantastic ending for a longer story of their relationship and how Beth thought it would go on forever or something like that.

Characters: You did a very good job of revealing the workings of Beth's mind to the reader. Good job.

Dialog: Dialog seems natural.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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466
Review of The Chosen One  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Newbie's Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a very sad and moving story of a decision seemingly regretted.

Characters: You have done a good job in allowing the reader to really know Kate, her feelings and thoughts.

Dialog: Dialog seems natural and realistic.

Format: Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.

Grammar & Punctuation:

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ mentioned a long abandoned desire to travel,'
Suggest: mentioned a long-abandoned desire to travel,

In this phrase, ‘ books--- “at this, she grabbed the algebra book'
Suggest: books--- “ she grabbed the algebra book

In this phrase, ‘ and she half expected her mother '
Suggest: and she half-expected her mother


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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467
467
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Newbie's Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a very good little story that teaches an important lesson.

Characters: You have developed Emily into a very believable character who gained reader sympathy for nobody listening to her.

Dialog: Dialog seems natural and was believable.

Grammar & Punctuation: When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ "Ma’am this is the police department'
Suggest: "Ma’am, this is the police department

In this phrase, ‘ "Yes ma’am go ahead" '
Suggest: "Yes, ma’am, go ahead"

In this phrase, ‘ "But when I went to set on my sofa'
Suggest: "But when I went to sit on my sofa

In this phrase, ‘ statement to shed an unstated fact'
Suggest: statement to shield an unstated fact

In this phrase, ‘ Only if my Charles was here.'
Suggest: If only my Charles were here.

In this phrase, ‘ No mater what it was'
Suggest: No matter what it was


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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468
Review of Hell  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Newbie's Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a good piece that offers much opportunity for expansion. This portion seems to be more told than shown, so that the reader could feel more as if he/she were experiencing these things for themselves.

Characters: Only your main character is defined at all, but I don't feel as if I really know him.

Dialog: No dialog is utilized.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ 19th April 1942, Polland '
Suggest: 19th April 1942, Poland

In this phrase, ‘ I remember the cold, taloned that gripped '
Suggest: I remember the cold, taloned hand that gripped

In this phrase, ‘ they searched us for those worhty. '
Suggest: they searched us for those worthy.

In this phrase, ‘ I am surrounded by strange and unfriendly and unfriendly faces.'
Suggest: I am surrounded by strange and unfriendly faces.

In this phrase, ‘ word of our loved them, our loved ones, since they were taken'
Suggest: word of our loved them since they were taken


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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469
469
Review of Looking back  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Newbie's Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a good story that poses an interesting dilemma. This piece offers opportunities for expansion in both directions - backward and forward.

Characters: You've done a good job of personalizing your main character. I was surprised to learn his reality.

Dialog: No dialog is employed

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ Now a skeleton of some long ago time'
Suggest: Now a skeleton of some long-ago time

In this phrase, ‘ “ Surly, the great machines '
Suggest: “ Surely, the great machines

In this phrase, ‘ nurse made for the young, '
Suggest: nursemaids for the young,

In this phrase, ‘ We were disparate to help the humans repair'
Suggest: .We were desparate to help the humans repair

In this phrase, ‘ anger of the dieing human race was on us,'
Suggest: anger of the dying human race was on us,


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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470
Review of Perfection  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Short Stories Newbie's Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a very interesting story of the impact of a brief encounter, though it does need a bit of work.

Characters: You do a good job of showing the emotional impact of that first meeting and the hope expressed in the poem.

Dialog: Dialog is minimal.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ Like some how,'
Suggest: Like somehow,

In this phrase, ‘ I didn't judge based off of how good I thought the poem was,'
Suggest: I didn't judge based on how good I thought the poem was,

In this phrase, ‘ I could see her content executing off of her body.'
Suggest: I could see her content exuding from her body.

In this phrase, ‘ A shame to , because her poem '
Suggest: A shame too, because her poem

In this phrase, ‘ smell the smoke of my marbrol from earlier '
Suggest: smell the smoke of my Marlboro from earlier

In this phrase, ‘ I wont be forgotten-or at least my story wont.'
Suggest: I won't be forgotten-or at least my story won't.

In this phrase, ‘ My breathe quickened, '
Suggest: My breath quickened,


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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471
471
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Short Stories Newbie's Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a very good and touching story though it does need a considerable amount of additional work.

Characters: You do a good job of portraying all of your characters, giving each his/her own individual personality.

Dialog: Dialog is realistic and seems natural.

Format: You may want to check the Public View as I think there are line breaks where they aren’t intended.

When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.

Grammar & Punctuation: Suggest a thorough proofread and edit.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ the dark haired man in front of her'
Suggest: the dark-haired man in front of her

In this phrase, ‘ She and her boyfriend Liam had just gotten back'
Suggest: She and her boyfriend, Liam, had just gotten back

In this phrase, ‘ “They don’t care Emily, '
Suggest: “They don’t care, Emily,

In this phrase, ‘ her tears dampening his blue button down shirt.'
Suggest: her tears dampening his blue, button-down shirt.

In this phrase, ‘ there they thing will ‘help’ me.” '
Suggest: there they think will ‘help’ me.”

In this sentence, ‘ He sighed and whispered “Monday.” '
Suggest: He sighed and whispered, “Monday.”

In this phrase, ‘ barely talking to his parents as it is.'
Suggest: barely talking to his parents as it was.

In this phrase, ‘ (Conner had been order to the couch again) '
Suggest: (Conner had been ordered to the couch again)

In this phrase, ‘ even them her world would never be the same again.'
Suggest: even then, her world would never be the same again.

In this sentence, ‘ “M’brain is on yet so tell me.” '
Suggest: “M’brain isn't on yet so tell me.”

In this phrase, ‘ and flung herself onto his be, '
Suggest: and flung herself onto his bed,


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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472
472
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Short Stories Newbie's Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a very exciting short piece that seems to offer opportunity into expansion into a longer tale.

Characters: You have done a good job of defining your characters, giving the two main ones their own personality.

Dialog: Dialog seems natural and believable.

Format: You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ when Lord Carnavon said: ‘Mike, is it me, '
Suggest: when Lord Carnavon said, ‘Mike, is it me,


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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473
Review of Love's Too Blind  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a beautiful poem of the pain of betrayal and disillusionment. You've done a good job of choosing words that aptly express the feelings both before and after.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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474
474
Review of A Darkest Sleep  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a really cute poem that pretty well sums it all up. One thing I found surprising was that there didn't seem to be any underlying feelings of the fear which accompanies most nightmares.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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475
475
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a very interesting chapter that promises a continuing interesting story. I am guessing that English is not your native language.

Characters: You have succeeded in gaining reader interest in Maya and caring about what happens to her.

Dialog: Dialog is realistic.

Grammar & Punctuation: You may want to watch overuse of exclamation points.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ said the loud sound of my Mom.'
Suggest: Mom called out.

In this phrase, ‘ " Good luck! my dear!" '
Suggest: "Good luck, my dear!"

In this phrase, ‘ from the enormous field that go along to the street.'
Suggest: from the enormous field alongside the street.

In this phrase, ‘ they were afraid I had accident'
Suggest: they were afraid I would have an accident

In this phrase, ‘ That blue handkerchief was likedthe gift from paradise'
Suggest: That blue handkerchief was like the gift from paradise

In this phrase, ‘ and I didn’t know where I am going to do?” '
Suggest: and I don’t know what I am going to do?”


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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