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Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by John~Ashen
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
She knew those would be fine , ; she had never even tried drugs
(semi-colon, not comma here)

You use "resolve" twice in quick succession from the end of paragraph 2 and the start of #3.

The ending was funny as intended, though I would have liked her not to sit down in a chair to wait, and also perhaps take a moment before understanding her error.
2
2
Review by John~Ashen
Rated: E | (4.0)
Short and to the point. While an Eintou (which format I should add to my list)
this also qualifies as a Lantern style.

The ending "resolutions tumble" makes me think of a rejoinder "resolutions stumble"

Resolved
on this night late
to tell you how I feel
not to fear or hesitate
when I might see your face
resolutions
stumble

3
3
Review by John~Ashen
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Very solid piece overall. I don't mind the occasional fragment set off by commas -- this is poetry after all, not prose.
I didn't understand the title at first but it became clear in the middle of the poem and is appropriate.

Three very insignificant points caught my attention:

He says at the door,
“Clean yourself up, you f***ing whore."


*Bullet* I'd drop the f-word here, mostly because I think the line doesn't need the extra help to be degrading. Plus it reads a little smoother without the extra syllables.

He says at the door,
“Clean yourself up, you whore."


--

Lifeless and frail,
the body that’s me is swollen and pale.


*Bullet* Here I'd consider reversing the two lines. That way you move from less to more severe, instead of starting bad then going with lesser adjectives.

Swollen and pale,
the body that's me is lifeless and frail.


--

he knows that I know
the demons won’t leave and there’ll be more woe.


*Bullet* "more woe" seems woefully weak after the horrifics revealed before this point. I can't think of a solid fix, but here are a few suggestions on alternates:

he knows that I can guess
the demons inside are only at rest.

he knows that I know
the daytime kindness is only for show.

he knows that I understand
the demons inside will come back again.


--

Like I said, insignificant style ideas. The piece works well as is and earns a 4.5 from me. Ciao *Smile*
4
4
Review of Baby Monitor  
Review by John~Ashen
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Some typographical improvements I can suggest:

In the item description,
anxiety...propels a couple

On page 4 of the document,
magazine rack and ogles for the cover

On page 6,
priced at $37.95 and $35.99, respectively
(You would only use "respectively" to match the descriptions to different subjects.
Example: The blue and white monitors were priced at 37 and 35, respectively.)


Bottom of page 7,
turns around toward the women woman

On page 8,
The one with the yellow shudders shutters

On page 12,
Here Her name is Barbara

Bottom of page 16: (and again on p.21)
go into the nursury nursery

On page 18:
I heard that baby monitor's monitors can

On page 20:
strikes the side with a wench wrench

On page 22:
The FATHER still now standing along the side
("now" implies change, in conflict with "still")

Bottom of page 22:
open the cap and drown down the bottle

On page 25:
slowly prodding it's its way up the street

On page 26:
door is hanging from it's its hinges

5
5
Review by John~Ashen
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya, thanks for entering "Invalid Item !
There were only 2 entries, but still we judges have our jobs *Smile*

The contest's main rule:
*Right* "feature a guardian angel of some sort"

---

*Bullet* chairs in front of the alter altar

*Note*Good opening line with plenty of action. From there, the plot wanders, though. The ritual thing is intriguing, but then Native Americans make an unexpected entrance, and then there's suddenly a wife? I don't think there are enough dots to connect a straight line to the ending, and so I'm not convinced that Maurice should feel peace.

*Idea* To tighten the story, paragraph 2's focus on "breath of God" needs to soften. Also, we need to know much earlier that this guy is married and whether his wife is alive or dead. Finally, you ask a bunch of questions in the next-to-last paragraph. You should be answering questions for the reader, not posing them! Readers want satisfaction at the end, not confusion.
6
6
Review of The Third Option  
Review by John~Ashen
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Pajamas, just a couple notes:

In stanza 3, you say "and when the day and night won't do" ... but then you never say what the result is. Perhaps "sometimes the day and night won't do" instead?

*Bullet* forever eternal haunting

You might want to put your postscript in italics so that it's visually separate from the poem.
7
7
Review by John~Ashen
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
I was gonna increase this rating to ASR for the sensual hints in here, then along came the F-word and so it's 13+ immediately.

I don't understand a couple of the phrases you put in here:
*Bullet* Fade out your surface
         lower your facade?
*Bullet* My way will soother in whisper
         will soothe?
8
8
Review by John~Ashen
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hey COUNTRYMOM-JUST REMEMBER ME , thanks again for entering my "Invalid Item !

Short fiction entry

Was it comedy? *Thumbsup**Smile*
Sort of... it was silly, that's for sure. Kind of a chuckler, and not so much a LOLer.

Was it fantasy? *Thumbsup**Smile*
Sure, as much as witches are fantastic. I was hoping for high fantasy characters like adventurers.

Technical score: *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
Sounds like a children's tale again. I think that's your genre and you can't break free of it without magical intervention *Wink*

Content score: *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*
I personally thought the punchline would be centered around the fact that they got married... and he suffered the rest of his life! (what sweet revenge, the torture of married life*Wink*)

*Note1* Results will be posted by noon today (Friday) *Note1*
9
9
Review by John~Ashen
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey Ravenwand, Rising Star! , thanks for entering my "Invalid Item !

Short fiction entry

Was it comedy? *Thumbsup**Smile*
Yep, narrative buildup to a punchline. Could've been funnier along the way, I thought, but the ending qualified.

Was it fantasy? *Thumbsup**Smile*
Acceptably so. Not high fantasy, but warlocks on broomsticks is gothy and abnormal.

Technical score: *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
Good use of color in the title. Nice spacing between paragraphs, and appropriate CAPS/italics for shouts/stresses/thoughts.

Content score: *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
Very logical buildup, just like it's being told as a joke. I might have dropped a couple more hints about the nature of the injury (fears about residual splinters, "road rage" reference, etc).


*Note1* Results will be posted by noon today (Friday) *Note1*
10
10
Review of The Cage  
Review by John~Ashen
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hey Robert Waltz , thanks for entering my "Invalid Item !

Short fiction entry

Was it comedy? *Thumbsup**Smile*
Yes, though we are kept in the dark until the end. Necessary, though, to keep our expectations high so you could pull off the punchline.

Was it fantasy? *Thumbsup**Bigsmile*
No doubt. Warrior with an enchanted blade, plus a foreign race of slavers and a night at a tavern, to boot!

Technical score: *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*
No errors; appropriate length.

Content score: *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*
After a lot of buildup and expectation to escape, the punchline is pulled off successfully. I might have combined paragraphs 2+3, and made the sword history more of a cliched farce.

*Note1* Results will be posted by noon today (Friday) *Note1*
11
11
Review of MICHAEL'S WAY  
Review by John~Ashen
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey , thanks for entering my "Invalid Item !

Poetry entry

Was it comedy? *Thumbsdown**Confused*
Alas, no. This focused on horror/scary (perhaps Halloween) theme.

Was it fantasy? *Thumbsup**Smile*
Sure, a witch and her spooky accoutrements. I might have said "thoughtconjured up images and sorcery"...

Technical score: *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*
The punctuation was off somewhat as sentences sometimes ran together only to be spliced with a comma (see *Paragraph* 3). Rhymes were fine and befitting oral recital as perhaps a campfire ghost story. Not sure why, but there's a bunch of white space after the end of the poem.

Content score: *Star**Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar*
This would have been very fitting for a Halloween/scary contest. To me, the plot was unclear. A witch hangs a prisoner along a path. Is the prisoner Michael? If so, how could he return? Why scare people along the path then? Granted, she was determined in the end to be insane, but we need a baseline at the start.


*Note1* Results will be posted by noon today (Friday) *Note1*
12
12
Review of The Friday Girl  
Review by John~Ashen
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*Bullet* The hair cut was
I believe "haircut" is a closed compound.

*Bullet* To throw the blame in a more accurate filter
Throw blame "through" a filter? or in a more accurate "direction"?

*Bullet* it was he who constantly racked on the issue
Perhaps "harped" on the issue?

*Bullet* Chris’s argument entailed practically no convincing elements
His dad argued. Perhaps Chris's "rebuttal"?

*Bullet* “the mope tope”
Perhaps you mean "mop top" (a shaggy mass resembling the top of a cleaning mop)? To "mope" is to sulk or pout; "taupe" is a greyish brown color.

*Bullet* assets to the Banksworth high achy hierarchy

*Bullet* a few tuffs tufts of cotton cloud

*Bullet* watched the dull heartbeats of seconds roll by

*Bullet* in it’s its entirety the whole hair cut situation was getting no where nowhere fast

*Bullet* behind the chips and confectionary confectionery shelf

*Bullet* war in Afghanistan had apparently escalated to guerrilla tactics

*Bullet* head which was now a jaggered jagged grid of blood

*Idea* Twist ending, so why give it away in your item description? Shorten your teaser to be more enticing:
Chris meets an unusual girl at the local newsagent
13
13
Review of Broken Hearted  
Review by John~Ashen
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Heya Amber,

Your title has a typo! Brokrn Broken Hearted

*Bullet*What did these people know about what I was going through.
*Question*Shouldn't there be a question mark at the end here?

*Idea*To make the whole piece instantly more attractive, put blank lines between the paragraphs.

*Bullet*To insure that we remember?
I think you mean "ensure" here. "Insure" means to guarantee with money as collateral. "Ensure" means to try to guarantee with actions.

*Note1* Quite a sad piece. I'd add genre Emotional to this.
14
14
Review by John~Ashen
Rated: E | (3.5)
Opening Sentence
*Bullet* We are supposed to be innocent until proved guilty in this -- these United States.
It was going well until the end. As a rule, make one point in your most important (opening) sentence, or you'll confuse the reader. By trying to get fancy with this/these, you detract from your main point.
*Right*We are supposed to be innocent until proved guilty in the United States.

*Bullet* I know first hand firsthand

*Bullet* here in Phoenix, AZ ---they--the "Joe Arapio, our American Hero" and others in power like him------don't care
Too much punctuation and too many hyphens trying to be long dashes.
*Right*here in Arizona, they (our "American Hero" Joe Arapio and others like him) don't care
Here parentheses replace the long dash—use ALT-0151 if you prefer the long dash instead.

*Bullet* I scanned through the abridged encyclopedic version on the forth Fourth of July this year...
Oh my, what a weak follow-up sentence, after inquiring about whether or not others have read the Declaration and Constitution. You "scanned" the "abridged" and "version" on our patriotic holiday! That sounds equivalent to the marginal effort of the people you mean to malign. If you can't say you've read the full texts (and not on a day when it's a no-brainer to do so), then you'd be better off leaving out this sentence altogether since it damages your credibility.

*Bullet* corruption that power, weather whether absolute or not , *Left* does ferment

*Note1*Your final paragraph is one long jumbled compilation of compound and complex comprehensive compunctions computed to compromise the contemplation of compost... well, you get the picture. Your point gets lost in all the addendums. How about splitting this into meaningful bits?
*Bullet*As a voice of the people we as poets, bards and writers have an obligation to our fellow human as well as other life forms on this once abundant mother earth; to speak out against injustice, bigotry, prejudice, and what we innately know to be wrong, even if our view and observations are not on the side that propaganda calls "God's Side"
*Right*Poets, bards, and writers are voices of the people. Even if our views are unpopular, we have an obligation to speak out against what we know to be wrong. Injustice, bigotry, and prejudice can only survive as long as good people keep quiet.
15
15
Review by John~Ashen
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hola Amelie,

*Note1* In your description, there's a typo:
*Bullet* emotions battleling battling my thoughts

*Idea* For your title, I suggest: "Caged In My Head" because thoughts are contained inside the head, where your emotions could battle them.


*Bullet* I sulk thinking of love missing *Left*(need comma here)

*Bullet* Wishing a bond beyond this sight.
*Confused* I don't understand this line. Wishing for a bond maybe?

*Bullet*I sink at your misleading words

*Bullet*I stress knowing that you should know
Currently, this means you underline or accentuate the fact that you know, instead of stressing out over that fact. "Stress" needs an adverb or prepositional phrase if you mean tension.
*Right*I stress out, knowing that you should know
*Right*I stress in knowing that you should know
*Right*I stress about knowing that you should know
*Right*I stress over knowing that you should know

16
16
Review by John~Ashen
Rated: E | (4.0)
Heya Nativson, excellent rant here *Smile*
*Note1*I daresay I could improve it a little, though:

opening sentence
*Bullet*Here we are on yet another "Columbus Day".
You could enhance your gripe by quoting only "Columbus"—which also avoids the period-quote confusion at the end. After all, you're still advocating a special Day, just not celebrating Columbuffoon.
*Right*Here we are on yet another "Columbus" Day.

*Bullet*You may be one of the few who may get the day off

*Bullet* people of the North, South and Central Americas

*Bullet* How about; National Native Day,
This semicolon*Up* is unnecessary.

*Bullet* Can you see where I'm going with this?
*Thumbsup*Sure do... this is a fairly persuasive rant.

*Bullet* lets let's just call it something else.
This same typo is in the title!*Blush*

*Bullet* fell under the heals heels of the conquerors

*Bullet* Even if it’s just for a day.
*Thumbsup* Strong ending!

*Idea* I have read an excellent historical/scifi book you might be interested in. It's called Pastwatch: Redemption of Christopher Columbus by Orson Scott Card. If you see it in the bookstore, glance at the back cover and see if it doesn't have an intriguing plot!
17
17
Review by John~Ashen
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello again S.G., time to dive into chapter 2.
*Note1* Same vices with comma splices and run-ons. Also quite a bit of lengthy sentences in need of commas, plus possessives in need of apostrophes. Never fear, Punctuation Man is always punctual *Wink*


Lead sentence
*Bullet*The day dawned on a clear late summer morning, and in a particular house, a young half elf paced the floor nervously as his. *Left* (as his what?)
Of course a day dawned. Why not open with the character and his action instead? 'Nervously' is somewhat redundant, as we already know he's pacing the floor.
A young half elf paced the floor as the dawn spilled its light onto a late Summer morning.

*Bullet*A healing mage arrived and after greeting her old friends Sarah ushered the husband and his sister out of the room
Set off the intermediate clause with commas, and don't forget the period at the end!
A healing mage arrived and, after greeting her old friends, Sarah ushered the husband and his sister out of the room.

*Bullet* now that it had come , he felt as though (comma)

*Bullet* threw the door open ; he did not want to repair the stalls
Semi-colon here corrects the run-on sentence.

*Bullet* A fourth horse, which he had never seen before , stood in the center
(closing comma to complete the subject phrase) *Up*

*Bullet*came clumsily toward him. It seemed to have a broken hoof
New sentence here, instead of a run-on.

*Bullet* continued to whinny nervously ; one attempted to smash through
Thou shalt not splice with commas *Wink*

*Bullet*Looking at the horse’s eyes , Malek thought he saw a strange red glint in them, but when he looked closer it was gone.
Use commas for natural pauses in long sentences.

*Bullet*Something was wrong with this creaturehe could feel it.
Thou shalt not run-on! *Wink* (long dash)

*Bullet* It was as though night had come quickly.
Here's an opportunity to spice up your narrative. I'm thinking of a personification:
It was as though night had ambushed the barn.

*Bullet*In an instant, Malek remembered Vilix, glancing about for a weapon; he spotted a pitchfork leaning against the wall a little to his left.
This construction implies that Vilix glances around for a weapon. Let's clear it up:
In an instant, Malek remembered Vilix. Glancing about for a weapon, Malek spotted a pitchfork leaning nearby against the wall. a little to his left *Left*(this info was hardly useful, and easily replaced by "nearby")

*Bullet*he feared he already knew the answer, the thing that stood before him had to be a demon of some sort, his father had once told him stories of the Shar.
Here are 3 sentences spliced with commas and no conjunctions. The second sentence is a result of the first (redefining "answer") so use a colon there.
he feared he already knew the answer: the thing that stood before him had to be a demon of some sort. His father had once told him stories of the Shar.

*Bullet*spun right and caught his attacker's sword (apostrophe)

*Bullet* freed his blade and went for Malek's feet (apostrophe)

*Bullet* The creature yelled in anger as it hit the wall . (period!) Malek hurled his pitchfork

*Bullet* from the direction of the house. The creature’s laughter (need a space there)

*Bullet* The man replied and , shouting something in a different language , he threw the ball of red fire.
Set off this intermediary clause with commas.

*Bullet*The creature raised his hand and whispered the same thing
*Note1*At this point, you start using "his" for the creature, whereas previously you referred to "its" features.

*Bullet*He snatched one of the sharp pieced pieces of broken metal

*Bullet* thought excited Malek so much he felt he must might pass out

*Bullet*“And our son shall be called Razalon.”
*Question*She named the kid after the horse?!

*Bullet*Sarah ushered the group from the room , pointing out that Vilix (comma)


*Bullet*“Why else would a demon reveal himself when they have long been forgotten except by the mages. Why try and kill the babies on the day of their birth.”
The first question may be rhetorical, but the second probably needs a *Question* mark.

*Bullet*Quietly, she waited, something darker than the night itself began to
Quietly, she waited; something darker than the night itself began to
         (or)
Quietly she waited as something darker than the night itself began to

*Bullet* After Sarah drew a couple Runes and pointed, the window flew back together and returned to its former place.
One good way to avoid outright comma splicing is to make sure you insert connective words which define the relationship between the two sentences. Usually it happens near the comma, but as shown above, it can be done earlier.

*Bullet* No one seemed to have heard it shatter , and Sarah returned to her chair
Comma here, otherwise it reads like Sarah sitting is also something no one heard.

*Bullet* something special about the twins. In time she hoped to discover

*Bullet* Malek asked, he did not wish not wishing for the mage to leave

*Bullet* runes of protection on your house ; so long as the children are inside

*Bullet*best course of action for the time being. Worried people often make

*Note1*I wasn't kidding! *Up**Down* You really do love to run sentences together! *Wink*

*Bullet*Tomorrow at dawn . I will be back within a month
Period here, or else that dawn will last all month...

*Bullet*Malek and Rydia exchanged glances ; both knew that Sarah alluded

*Bullet*You have helped us more than you know. If there is anything we can do

*Bullet*How could you even say such a thing, you saved my life, help yourself to any provisions you require.
Here are 3 sentences run together. In speech, you can get away with short run-ons, but this is too long. I'll keep one run-on intact so you can see what might be considered acceptable in some instances:
How could you even say such a thing? You saved my life, help yourself to anything.
("provisions you require" is a little formal for this exchange, I thought)

*Bullet* the babies did have magical talent , the stones would

*Bullet* She hoped this would be enough. The medallions were not all-powerful

*Bullet* spoken to the rest of my council. Goodbye my friends.

*Bullet* For one unwisely spoken word

*Bullet* Three months past passed without word from the Mage , (comma) and Malek grew more anxious

*Bullet* The morning before her departure , (comma) news arrived

*Bullet* had she merrily merely guessed that the demons would attack

*Bullet* returned to the mainland in the early spring
Capitalize the season?


*Note1* I guess I didn't feel too much remorse over the death, because these people are not familiar to me. You have action happen to them, but they aren't characterized and endeared to the reader yet...
18
18
Review by John~Ashen
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Heya S.G.,
I see you have quite an involved tale here. If you'd like to kick it up a notch, I can offer the following type of commentary. I hope you receive my editing style well! *Smile*

*Thumbsup* Overall, nice regular spacing to make reading easier on the eyes.
*Thumbsup* Good fantasy action right away to hook the reader.
*Note1* Your main vice is a love of sentence fragments, sometimes back-to-back.


Lead Sentence
The lead sentence is most important to snag the reader's attention, so it must be scrutinized heavily:
*Bullet*A single rider raced along the earthen path, a chilly breeze blew idly over the misted hills.
This is two sentences spliced together with a comma. Simply replace the comma with a connective word like 'as' :
A single rider raced along the earthen path as a chilly breeze blew idly over the misted hills.


*Bullet* It was an early spring morning
Traditionally we capitalize seasonal names, but if this is a conscientious decision, then ignore *Smile*

*Bullet* and forced to sign a treaty , the war was inevitable
(comma here after the long "though" clause)

*Bullet* elf spotted a group of bandits laying lying in wait
"laying" (to lay something-somewhere) takes an object, while "lying" (to lie down/still) is intransitive

*Bullet* back along the path out of harm's way (apostrophe)

*Bullet* Bolik, the head of the bandits , stepped boldly
(need the 2nd comma to set off the subject phrase)

*Bullet* A dwarf not five feet in height, his bushy beard falling to the center of his barreled chest. A heavy sword held before him.
These are two fragments without action. Let's tie it together:
A dwarf not five feet in height stood with his heavy sword held before him, his bushy beard falling to the center of his barreled chest.

*Bullet* brief scuffle reached the Lead dwarf’s ears
Should this be lower case? lead dwarf's ears

*Bullet* The attackers had to fight an inward struggle to avoid answering the whispered questions.
"Fight...struggle" is redundant. You could omit either one:
The attackers had to struggle to avoid answering the whispered questions.
         (or)
The attackers had to fight inwardly to avoid answering the whispered questions.

*Bullet* The head dwarf said. Staring at a patch of mist.
Let's rescue this drowning fragment by attaching it to the buoyant sentence!
The head dwarf said, staring at a patch of mist.

*Bullet* ‘ why should I stay when they will soon die.
You have an extra space and forget to close to quote:
'Why should I stay when they will soon die.'

*Bullet* "Let them be scared for I have found the secret."
Here the dwarf's thoughts are in double-quotes!? You should use single-quotes to be consistent. The elf's spell-voice uses double-quotes.

*Bullet* power of a single traveler and the traveler's spells (apostrophe)

*Bullet* alert and immune to the spell's seducing power (apostrophe)

*Bullet* An old man with long white hair lay on a bed. Coughing weakly.
Let's shelter this lonely fragment under the previous sentence's umbrella:
An old man with long white hair lay on a bed, coughing weakly.

*Bullet* the old Cleric's next words (apostrophe)

*Bullet* An overwheliming overwhelming desire to protect

*Bullet* first Cleric Council, they devised a way

*Bullet* resulted in the loss of the locationsthree more gates as well as the final two keys.
You need punctuation here to show the natural pause. I recommend the long dash, made by typing ALT-0151.

*Bullet* we would soon be under attack , for they had found
Need a comma here in this long, compound sentence.

*Bullet* Guardians of the Gates, those who possess the power
*Bullet* Obdurah, no one has been found to possess either

*Bullet* Xenith never meant to beat us ; I think the battle was a diversion
Semi-colon here to join 2 sentences, not a comma.

*Bullet* demons can take on the appearance of living things; Plants, animals, and men, but there is always something wrong
Set off this list with the long dashes:
demons can take on the appearance of living things—plants, animals, and menbut there is always something wrong

*Bullet* servants of Xenith are able possess the ones

*Bullet*fearing that one-day someone will arise
No need to hyphenate here, but no harm either.

*Bullet*Although Xenith rules many lands and people , it is never enough ; he will always crave to rule more.
Comma after the long introductory clause, then semi-colon to join the 2nd sentence (instead of a comma splice).

*Bullet*Three hundred years past passed

*Exclaim*300 years passed? This is an abrupt leap in the middle of a chapter!

*Bullet*Located to the southwest of Evalon, are the Islands of Elvensea. They consist of...
*Yawn* Such a dump of geographical information. Will it all be useful? Plus it's all in present-tense, opposite the past tense the reader has been digesting so far. This reads like your Background Notes, not story narrative.

*Bullet*they would move to the islands, the half elves that live there
In this case, better to make a separate sentence than to join two complex sentences.
they would move to the islands. The half elves that live there

*Bullet*It is on the main island of Reanor that our story begins in the humble house of a farmer and his wife.
This line tells me that most of this chapter could be considered a prologue. Considering the 300-year time jump, I think I'm right. Otherwise known as Chapter 0, this just sets the backdrop for the real start of your story, which comes in the next installment. *Smile*

*Star* I rate this 4.5, considering the promise of this story, and assuming much of the above points will be cleared up.
19
19
Review by John~Ashen
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Bullet*between his house and Jeff's , calling back, "I'll call. I promise."
Comma here would break up the tricky "Jeff's calling back"

*Thumbsup*His dad said Mom was a city girl
Good knowledge of when to capitalize Mom/Dad and when not to!

*Bullet*Freak accidents , his grandfather said
I suggest a comma here at the natural pause...

*Bullet*He looked up to a thick black overcast heavy with oncoming rain
As far as I know, "overcast" is only an adjective, not a noun. Perhaps throw in "sky" there to be sure?

*Bullet*Laying Lying on his belly,

*Bullet*He started to slide backward.

*Bullet*Wave your arms if your you're caught out,

*Bullet*"I know your you're here, David,

*Bullet*had the longest blade Michael has had ever seen

*Bullet*The boulder he hid behind was beginning to shake.

*Bullet*He looked up to see the giant smiling,
Without this addition, it reads as if Michael does the smiling and raising of the chainsaw.

*Bullet*Michael pointed to his foot at an odd angle.
He pointed...at an odd angle? If you mean his foot is at an odd angle, then try this:
Michael pointed to his foot which lay at an odd angle.

*Bullet*He got up and testing walking;
testing, walked (or) tested it, walking

*Bullet*Michael saw a carved lumberjack holding a chainsaw

*Star* I think it's telling about your writing quality, that I have to be this nit-picky! Good story, as usual. I was worried the dog was gonna "bite" it *Laugh*
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Review of Mistaken Identies  
Review by John~Ashen
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey Wicked, a couple tiny errors in an otherwise brilliant flash story:

Title: Identities

Opening: Who's Whose number is this?

*Paragraph* 3: dipositing depositing them

*Exclaim* This ending is very satisfying to us guys who have jealous GFs! *Laugh*
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Review of Sky Melody  
Review by John~Ashen
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Amelie,
*Thumbsup*I don't see any typos in your poem.
*Note1*However, if you're going to punctuate every line as if this is prose, you should punctuate properly. Punctuation is used to show pauses and clarify sentence meanings. Poetry has line breaks which are already natural pauses, and thus punctuation is only needed to clarify meaning or separate sentence pieces.
*Note1*Use a comma to join clauses in a single sentence. Use a semi-colon to join separate but related sentences. For two unrelated sentences, use a period and keep them separate.



Confide in my loyalty, *Left*Period. New Sentence.
look at the sky’s melody, *Left*Semi-colon.
if it dances for me,
It can look at you.

Confide in my clouds, *Left*Semi-colon.
let me rain on you, *Left*Period. New Sentence.
put your arms out wide,
and see all beyond blue.

The wind wears me out, *Left*Semi-colon.
your warmth could heal me, *Left*Period. New Sentence.
there is no need to shout, *Left*Semi-colon.
someone will heed to me.

The waves scream so loud,
I don’t want to look, *Left*Period. New Sentence.
There amongst the crowd, (Capitalize.)
I once had a hook.

Feel the salt water,
but don’t rinse it off, *Left*Period. New Sentence.
if you let it sink in,
you’ll learn to savor this.

I’ll wash upon your life,
make its aroma unforgettable,
as long as my confides in you, *Left*No comma here.
stay strong and durable.
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Review by John~Ashen
Rated: E | (3.5)
Heya Ann,
*Idea*No typos of course, but in my opinion there's a punctuation issue. If you feel the need to punctuate, it should be along the lines of normal sentences. Don't let the commas splice everything together! Periods and semi-colons join separate sentences.


Heartfelt, Oh Yes I feel it in my heart,
You've believed in me right from the start, *Left* period here
I was down and I just couldn't see,
Then you raised me up, had faith in me.

You gave me the courage to go on,
Banished my doubts and now they're gone, *Left* period here
From the shackles of my mind you set me free, *Left* comma not needed
You did this with a gentle strength and your love for me.
With your gentle strength and love for me.
(keeps the meaning but shortens the line a little)

I know by the way you touch my hand,
You always seem to understand, *Left* period here
You always ask of me, never demand, *Left* period here
I know by the way you stroke my hair,
Your eyes tell me you really care, *Left* period here
I intend my life with you to share.

Heartfelt, Oh yes I feel it in my heart,
I hope and pray that we will never part, *Left* period here
You opened my eyes, helped me to see, *Left* semi-colon here
You gave me respect and dignity.

An inner strength you've given to me,
From my childish fears I am now free, *Left* period here
From the bottom of my heart I'll always be
Glad of your gentle strength and your love for me.

And I know by the way you touch my hand,
You always seem to understand, *Left* period here
You always ask of me, never demand, *Left* period here
I know by the way you stroke my hair,
Your eyes tell me you really care *Left* semi-colon here
I intend my life with you to share.

Yes I know that my life with you I'll share.

------------------

*Note1*The lines with inverted grammar ("my life with you I'll share") are awkward and unnatural to digest. To me, that usually means the phrase could've been worded better in the first place. Off the top of my head come the lines: I offer my life to you to share and I'm glad we've had a life to share
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Review of A week blew by  
Review by John~Ashen
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Carti, a nice little piece on the passing of time. I like the couple at the end of the free verse stanzas.


*Bullet*Ev'ry hour spent
This isn't a metered poem, so I dunno why you've contracted "Every"

*Note1*I personally don't like to capitalize terms like Death. It makes abstracts of them, when I feel it's my duty as a poet to provide description and involvement, not abstraction and detachment. I think your lines read as well (personifying death) even in lower-case.
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Review of My Dream Lunch  
Review by John~Ashen
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey again Judity,
I decided to have a go at one of your shorter pieces.
I'm a Douglas Adams fan myself, having read a couple of his books besides those in the Hitchhiker series.



*Bullet* author of “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”, to join me
If you underline or italicize the title, there's no comma issue!

*Bullet* many delicious dishes I’d placed before him

*Bullet* lines from a poem recently written by a {c}Vorgon{/x} Vogon
Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in my Underarm... *Wink*

*Bullet*I ended up providing Band-Aids instead of broccoli

*Bullet* resisted this dessert, but to my chagrin

*Laugh* Funny ending line! aka "Governator"
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Review by John~Ashen
Rated: E | (3.5)
Heya Victor,
*Star*I have a lot of typographical suggestions, if you want to do some editing to perfect this technically...


*Note1*Good title, but your brief description needs some work:

*Bullet*U too can remove d terror in death
*Idea*This isn't a text message on your cell phone—you're not being charged by the letter. Express yourself fully!
*Right*You too can remove the terror from death

*Bullet*killing all those in it-instantly
At this point, you mean to use a long dash, not a short hyphen. Hold down the ALT key and type 0151. Here's the result:
killing all those in it—instantly.

*Bullet*With all the holla baloo hullabaloo

*Bullet*Sudden deaths-were just
I don't think you need the dash here

*Bullet*There was were also protracted deathsthose usually

*Bullet*Isn't aging some what somewhat like that , she thought

*Bullet*Sounded unbelieveable unbelievable

*Bullet*lightness was beginning to take over

*Bullet*a demon-possessed person

*Bullet*she had recieved received the mark
*Bullet*years ago she recieved received 666

*Bullet*report that weighed heavilly heavily

*Bullet*"how long do I have to..." (end quote)

*Bullet*feel the life eebing ebbing away

*Bullet*she said weakly , affraid afraid that shaking

*Bullet*if you developed a motive

*Bullet*the possibility of human frailty

*Bullet*who gives you the interpretation

*Bullet*demonically enabled interference

*Bullet*possessed people linked to birds

*Bullet*make people forgetr forget stuff


*Exclaim* Keep in mind the lesson above—about the long dash. You have lots of instances in this story of using hyphens instead.
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