Before you read I am offering a style choice. Not stepping on your work.
You did great world building. But I think the part where the mom died needs more oomph.
This is an emotionally charged scene. Losing a mother is devastating to a thirteen year old. It's not the death that gets everyone its the moments they won't be there for. Its especially significant if your main is a girl. The dad is pitch perfect, but again I don't feel his devastation.
"Death does funny things to parents. Some wallow in their loss. Others smother their children out of fear of losing them. My dad chose door number two.
Our relationship was strained, a shadow of what it once was. I was a seedling dying to reach the heights of my peers. I couldn't do that with my dad's shadow stealing the much needed sun to allow me.
Something like that could really give character empathy while showing the dramatic shift in the relationship.
I ascribe to the Five hundred word theory. Sit down write five hundred words. Once you reach five hundred walk away. If get two feet from that chair and all I can think about is what happens next then I sit down and go hard. If I walk away and I flip flop on it, I'll try another hundred or so words see if it pulls me. If I don't feel like I have to be in front of the screen mashing the keyboard its tossed.
I do this because 500-600 words really isn't all that much to lose. In a novel its a drop in the bucket. You don't feel bad because you put thousands of words behind a plot that wasn't destined to work out and it also exercises your creativity. But that's my process
Here's my thing with defining moments make them shine like nobodies business for two reasons it changes the status quo for a story and informs the characters for the rest of the story. Your kiss is a defining moment. You give it shine but your female readers are going to expect more from it.
Their kiss stretched into eternity, their passion consumed every fiber of their being. For ten brief seconds there was no you and I, but we. They belonged it was undeniable, unavoidable, inevitable...
However this is style choice and the best I can come up with off the top of my head
Here is my thing. Your names while different throw me a little. I am not saying it's a bad thing, but some are so unique my brain picks them out of your paragraphs before I read what you need me too. Bear in mind it may be unique to me. Use unique names for your main characters, and use more pedestrian ones for throw aways or supporting. So when I see their names I know who is supposed to be leading the scene.
And since I am shameless check out some Silverbolt Shine or catch a terrible with mistress magenta or buster Heyman
Okay I like where this is going. I am guess this guy leads to the fame she never wished for. It has nice pull, and the scene is described as the character moves. I can't wait to see how it ends.
I'm no expert but add some descriptions to that white room with people arguing with their hands at their sides. It doesn't need to be long just enough for us to get a glimpse. I appreciate the lack of exposition. Too often people think we need to know everything before we start.
Why didn't you turn this into a story? I see how compelling you an be when you write with feeling. Sure the main character is a girl, but let's be honest being new resonates with everyone young and old. Those feelings don't go away. People just learn to manage. I know you're trying music, but keep writing .
Let me ask you a question do couples fight in a white room with their hands at their sides. I know the wife and I don't. Neither should this couple. The dialogue is loses momentum because I am not in the room/dimension your couple is arguing in. I am a passerby dying to get a better look.
I like but find better ways to say coffee. Heavenly black brew, the taste of burnt bean, the bitter that is sweet. All of these convey importance of the object.the alien part seemed a little pedestrian, but this is short so doing aliens justice is difficult
This is great. Nice flow good choices, but maybe it could have been taken a baby step further. Have the character draw the blinds, turn out the lights and make sure no one is in the hall. A little more paranoia would've given this shine
This comment is based on all your old works if you I had anything new I could be more thorough. Why aren't you writing what you want to write? Your style feels forced and stiff, you aren't relaxed or having any sort of fun with it. I have too much fun sometimes so don't feel bad. Which is like the best thing about writing, its fun work. I know you're caught up in making things as real as possible, but you don't want to write that way.
Your scenes with the pregnant teen could easily be punched up with a few simple things.
How about staring at the urine covered stick like it held the answers to the universe. Or nerves frayed at the end like electrical wires. She felt the bile rise in her throat as the plus sign appeared. Don't be afraid to grab the readers attention and go, this is why you should care.
It's interesting. But clearly you are venting. I won't comment any further given the personal nature of this. We all need to scream into a pillow now and then.
Your beginning is good, but I would have went with.
I awoke to smell of urine in my nostrils. It came from the rags I gathered the night before. My life has become a series of decisions based on needs and wants. For instance I wanted to sleep on something devoid of rancid piss and other unidentified smells, but I needed to sleep on something. My needs won that round.
I resented my situation. I had a lovely home in the suburbs, wife and kids. Then the blight came, and decimated coffee crops. It was juggernaut, and refused to give up the relentless siege on the black brew.
Sorry if that's stepping on your toes. I just thought it invoked character empathy better
The concept is fresh. I love it. However, you could have made the consequences of failure more severe.
Like getting moused, if they won't stalk their way to glory then they'll scurry into oblivion. At the end of the night the cats who were turned into nice are hunted by the others ...okay so I rambled there.
Back to the matter at hand. It fresh solid, and informs a long held superstition. Its not boring either. So ill give it a 20.
Okay girl here is my thing telekinetics are a pain to write. It's like trying to find something that rhymes with orange. Forget the telekinetically description it's awkward and clunky. Try another word,make one up. Like the epigone thing. Telekinetics could be mind resonance...or something. If you insist on using telekinetics, keep the word to minimum and use sensory to describe it being used. have people call them brain busters, or something like that.
Second what does it feel like? Does it start with a dull throb, or pinprick on the mind. Have objects start tobs shake when she's mad
I don't know how many reviews you had but I can say it's off To a good start. However, you may want to include more sensory things. Did the alley smell was the aunt a weird relative, or was she near and dear to heart of the main character, little details like that enhance the reading experience.
Now for my shameless Silverbolt plug stop by and have same crazy adventures with that shiny bastard Silverbolt
Okay girl while it's a great account of events. Maybe tell the story through the eyes of one of the characters. I'd use a tight third person for a story like this. Focus on the characters sensations and remove yourself from the scene and let the characters do all the work
First off have fun with it. Forget about the end goal. There are plenty of steps in between you are running a marathon, if you miss a day or two no one will die. Second come up with a strategy for writers block, third pick up Rob Peck's fiction is folks you can get it free in PDF format, I promise you it's worth it. And goals motivation conflict you can get it free in PDF format as well. They helped me a lot
Now because I write terrible stories on purpose and know no shame. Check out the adventures of Silverbolt in my port
No offense but this would be so much clearer if you used smaller paragraphs and set your dialogue in separate paragraphs. On the outside it looks like an incomprehensible mess. The premise is good and the descriptions are tight but everyone is going to say no because of the presentation
So here is my deal. Bear in mind I am not professional. I get it, she's moving, but where's the inner struggle? I don't feel it.regardless of Dream fulfilment there are going to be inner fears. Show more tell less. It feels like a character remembering and not as the action happens. You should add those tearful goodbyes from friends because it will drive the plot forward in a meaningful way while revealing character.
Now for the shameful part of the review where I encourage you to read some Silverbolt
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