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248 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by jolanh
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
You have right idea...I just think you could present them a little more clearly.
Bear in mind I offer style choices. You don't suck at writing.

Your beginning for instance. It's a good thought.

But try this one.

Desire. An enternal itch on the human soul. How they long for things they can't have. If only the delusion ended there. Once they acquired the object du jour, it either loses all significance and is forgotten, or they kill and maim just hang onto it for a few more precious seconds...

Anyway stuff like that brings in the character more. You get a sense of detachment. Anyway that's all for now
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Review by jolanh
Rated: GC | (4.5)
Fractured fairy tale I have couple of my own.
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Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (4.0)
That being said, criticism allows us to see the uncomfortable truths about ourselves, we may not exist or avoid because we are uncomfortable. Yet discomfort promotes growth
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Review of The Setup  
Review by jolanh
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
What I offer here is some basic advice and some style choices and by no means I think you have no talent.

A couple things

Separate "your dialogue"

"Like this" for ease of reading.

I understand you dig hard description. But a little less couldn't hurt. I adhere to one or two unique traits per character at first meet.

Third try to pull your character through the sce├▒e. Build the world through their eyes bit by bit.

For example your explanation of the neighborhood. I cared until you explained where the poor and middle class lived. That's something I wanted to experience with the character if that makes sense.

Anyway if you don't agree with me that's fine. I am not a pro and still working the craft like you.
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Review by jolanh
Rated: XGC | (5.0)
You know dude the most common thing people ask Stephen king is how messed up his childhood was. He actually had it okay growing up. People wrote criminal minds and silence of the lambs, I don't think your crazy at all you are a writer working an idea
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A Cookie Like No Other  (18+)
The further adventures of Hansel and Gretel
#2232030 by jolanh
readd that and tell me that's not messed up. You're not the only one
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for entry "Invalid Entry
Review by jolanh
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Thats cool. I am working on a fantasy story for the contest too
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Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (3.0)
I really like the struggle. I dig the romance. Some dialogue and some scenes showing the main character wrangling kids. And being talked down to, and the epic first meet between her and chrys would make this so much better
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Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (4.0)
The obvious way to expand is focus on the dating relationship, and the agonizing decision between love and her dreams. Sometimes we cling to the past out of fear we can't do better. Have her current boyfriend dragging her down because he thinks college is for partying. You could do a lot with this.

Now here is where I offer a style choice that will bring intensity and drama to the situation. For the record I don't think your work sucks. Toss out the part with the parents and focus on this new relationship. Was this person someone she had unrequited love for? If so how will that affect her decisions. Did they agree once they reached college to call it quits? are her parents overbearing and having trouble letting go?
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Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (4.0)
Before you read I am offering a style choice. Not stepping on your work.
You did great world building. But I think the part where the mom died needs more oomph.
This is an emotionally charged scene. Losing a mother is devastating to a thirteen year old. It's not the death that gets everyone its the moments they won't be there for. Its especially significant if your main is a girl. The dad is pitch perfect, but again I don't feel his devastation.

"Death does funny things to parents. Some wallow in their loss. Others smother their children out of fear of losing them. My dad chose door number two.

Our relationship was strained, a shadow of what it once was. I was a seedling dying to reach the heights of my peers. I couldn't do that with my dad's shadow stealing the much needed sun to allow me.

Something like that could really give character empathy while showing the dramatic shift in the relationship.


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Review of Poetic Pieces  
for entry "The Carnival Is Over
Review by jolanh
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I love your poetry. You make it look effortless. I am never bored reading what you write
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for entry "Invalid Entry
Review by jolanh
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I really like the imagery. It's really evokes the chaos on the ground during a carnival
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for entry "Get Your Day Started
Review by jolanh
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I ascribe to the Five hundred word theory. Sit down write five hundred words. Once you reach five hundred walk away. If get two feet from that chair and all I can think about is what happens next then I sit down and go hard. If I walk away and I flip flop on it, I'll try another hundred or so words see if it pulls me. If I don't feel like I have to be in front of the screen mashing the keyboard its tossed.
I do this because 500-600 words really isn't all that much to lose. In a novel its a drop in the bucket. You don't feel bad because you put thousands of words behind a plot that wasn't destined to work out and it also exercises your creativity. But that's my process
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Review by jolanh
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Here's my thing with defining moments make them shine like nobodies business for two reasons it changes the status quo for a story and informs the characters for the rest of the story. Your kiss is a defining moment. You give it shine but your female readers are going to expect more from it.

Their kiss stretched into eternity, their passion consumed every fiber of their being. For ten brief seconds there was no you and I, but we. They belonged it was undeniable, unavoidable, inevitable...

However this is style choice and the best I can come up with off the top of my head
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Review by jolanh
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Here is my thing. Your names while different throw me a little. I am not saying it's a bad thing, but some are so unique my brain picks them out of your paragraphs before I read what you need me too. Bear in mind it may be unique to me. Use unique names for your main characters, and use more pedestrian ones for throw aways or supporting. So when I see their names I know who is supposed to be leading the scene.

And since I am shameless check out some Silverbolt Shine or catch a terrible with mistress magenta or buster Heyman
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Review of Fame?  
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
Okay I like where this is going. I am guess this guy leads to the fame she never wished for. It has nice pull, and the scene is described as the character moves. I can't wait to see how it ends.
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Review of Siofra  
Review by jolanh
Rated: GC | (4.0)
Okay it's good you don't waste time with exposition. Your words could be a bit more exciting.

Darkness cloaked her eyes and obscured the world around her. The clear droplets filling her eyes hindered her vision as well. Stuff like that keeps the readers attention
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Review of Lost magic  
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm no expert but add some descriptions to that white room with people arguing with their hands at their sides. It doesn't need to be long just enough for us to get a glimpse. I appreciate the lack of exposition. Too often people think we need to know everything before we start.
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Review of The hidden  
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (4.0)
Okay pull your character through the sce├▒e...my phone decided it was Spanish bear with me. Start with her mucking out the stalls contemplating her humble beginnings, end or begin your statements with a shovelful of manure, or laying fresh beds of hay. Because then your reader does the work with her and feels the aches and pains of the day
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Review by jolanh
Rated: GC | (4.5)
Okay dude it's almost there. You love description and their solid. Have you considered pulling him through the sce├▒e describing as needed? The reason I ask is because you drop a lot of exposition at the beginning and for readers like me we don't care about that stuff. Remember our goal is go through the journey with the character not listen to them talk about it. establish your scene point to your Mc and say go
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Review by jolanh
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Why didn't you turn this into a story? I see how compelling you an be when you write with feeling. Sure the main character is a girl, but let's be honest being new resonates with everyone young and old. Those feelings don't go away. People just learn to manage. I know you're trying music, but keep writing .
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Review by jolanh
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I'm gonna submit something anyway
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Review of Divorce  
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (3.0)
Let me ask you a question do couples fight in a white room with their hands at their sides. I know the wife and I don't. Neither should this couple. The dialogue is loses momentum because I am not in the room/dimension your couple is arguing in. I am a passerby dying to get a better look.

Because I am shameless check out Silverbolt Shine
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Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like but find better ways to say coffee. Heavenly black brew, the taste of burnt bean, the bitter that is sweet. All of these convey importance of the object.the alien part seemed a little pedestrian, but this is short so doing aliens justice is difficult
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Review of Coffee!  
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is great. Nice flow good choices, but maybe it could have been taken a baby step further. Have the character draw the blinds, turn out the lights and make sure no one is in the hall. A little more paranoia would've given this shine
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Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (3.5)
You have a great idea,but it could have been taken further. Why not have him in a government facility and paranoid as hell spies trying to steal it for themselves. Just saying
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