Okay I am going to give you some dialogue advice. If you wouldn't say it, don't write it. This dialogue is a series of things no sane person would say. If that sounds harsh, I'm sorry. I can't buy the romance, and maybe it's my preference getting in the way. I tend to like deep emotion, we only see whats on the surface. The scene needs more to be effective, and crisper dialogue
I don't know what this is. Is it a story is it world building? Is based on an article you read? If you are going to tell a story make me care. No offense but I have no emotional interest in this piece at all. Now if it had been a character reading the article at the breakfast table with a family about to affected, now you've got my attention. Second you give too much away about the glowing orbs. How can they be a mystery if you keep explaining what they are?
You ask an interesting question and try to answer it. You want to be heard. When your struggling with negative thoughts being heard runs the risk of sounding crazy. Being seen leads to unhelpful advice. I will advise to put the question at the beginning as the main prose explores the concept
No offense but the story is hard to follow and some parts seem to be missing, Have you considered putting it all in one document. I have never reviewed an interactive so this might be a bit choppy. Number one add more to the characters you introduced. For instance, the Server looked extremely frazzled, could be, A barmaid with matted hair and sullen posture approached, "What can I get you?" Her less than enthusiastic tone did not inspire confidence in the occupants of the table. Remember we want the reader to feel the waitresses tiredness.
Your experience shows in this jack, and Its nice to see you experimenting. I once I get through some contracts. I plan to write a cop and profiler story. just to break out from the usual stuff I write. I hope you continue this story it looks promising.
I'd make the first paragraph a bit more impactful.
She saw the explosion takes all tension out of the hook. A loud boom shattered the fragile tranquility of the roof. Clouds of smoke hovered in the distance and plumes of flame flickered ominously below the the thick grey veil
Okay dude, this is a mess. Not your story, but your mechanics.
Erotica is meant to evoke emotion. Your too busy telling me everything.
Second dialogue is a new paragraph every time. I can't tell who's talking or what is going on because it looks like a ball of words.
I don't mean to be harsh, but i've been where you are now, and everyone else reading it will tell you the same.
The first line needs work. Take out heard the rain and replace it with. The pitter patter of droplets splashed against the window. Detective Morgan's body eased a little further in the comfortable chair and let out a relaxed sigh... Or something like that
THis is a bit of mess, rough draft or no, its jarring to read.
Separate the lines
Like this to make it easier to read
Use indents to show the start of new paragraph.
As this is written in first person the word I is unavoidable. Your job is make the reader feel like the main character.
I looked back at the bar
Could easily become
The back of the bar was filled with frowns and fists smacking open palms all because of a stupid bet, one that cost me a great deal I might add.
Don't forget your job is to have your character connect with your audience as fast as possible.
Okay you are new so here is few things
"Dialogue should be a new paragraph"
"For each new speaker" it's easier to read
Don't tell me how rich she is. Show me.
Make smaller paragraphs and only give the reader what they need to know.
What is your deal with telekinectically? Her mind touched the light switch with reluctance and turned it on. Her eyes filled with fury at the sight of Carl. The closest thing to pussy he's gotten is the neighbours cat. Clearly he wants teo to join the club
Sorry had to have some fun with it. No its fine not too descriptive. Its awkward because annette knows the moment can pass at any instant. Its tasteful and looks good except for that one part
Do something cooler with the Harry Potter thing. Write about a team of hard ass Wizards who joined the SAS and have to infiltrate Hogwarts to save a diplomats son, or have them breaking down a Muggle gang working with the remnants of the Death Eaters, who enchant objects for criminals, like enchanted cop detectors shield clothing. stuff like that. It would blow up like crazy. Most of all you could get a sniper in there. Name one wizard who can predict a bullet coming from a mile off.
While its great that you did an alright job your first time out, I would make the following suggestions.
1. don't bother describing the main character. Do it through his interactions with the world.
2. Let people get to know the main character through the story
3. Try not to date your story.
Normally I don't comment on the technical side of things because I struggle with it too. There are some spelling errors. I won't comment on sentence structure.
Now onto the things that are style choices and up to you to change if you feel it will help.
1. Use thought text for the reader to clarify why she's so worried about losing her mind again. Oh God this like the church incident, where an angel visited me and all it got me was a 72 hour lockdown.
2.have the peanut singing the same song it was before. Really play it up, I love taking something small and turning it into a real menace.
3. I would have twisted the ending and have the peanut appear in the familiar book she reads. But that also creates more story options.
Just remember a review is a subjective thing. If you think it will help by all means us my advice if not that's fine too
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