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248 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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76
76
Review of Untitled Book  
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (3.5)
Okay girl,you have a great start. But here is where you could improve.

your telling more than showing. I get we are inside the characters head,but using the five senses would make it more intense. It has potential you just need to polish it a little
77
77
Review of Lion Of The Sea  
Review by jolanh
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank God someone who doesn't feel the need to dump a bunch of information at beginning. I know killerwhales will eat seals.The plot is simple, easy to follow. Well done
78
78
Review of Big Apple Scruffs  
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like story poetry. It's fun kinectic, and provides perspective for the reader. I love The scruffs reference, it gives the piece flavor
79
79
Review of Fire Hands  
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (3.5)
It's good the beginning is a little generic. Also try to find better descriptions for the fire. You have something here it just needs polish.

As a side note check the adventures of Silverbolt starting at heavenly intervention
80
80
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
Great depression 2 not where we should be
81
81
Review by jolanh
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Marvel has a lot to live up to mcu wise. Venom was a mess and a horrible movie because A) Eddie Brock is defined by his hatred of Spiderman B)the symbiote is defined by it's hatred of Spiderman. C)Eddie Brock is a guy who can't seem to get traction in life. He was in San Fransisco because he and Spiderman made a deal after maximum Carnage to leave each other alone. Without mentioning either it was meaningless to me.however that is one example.
80 years of comic production is heritage. Spiderman is a flagship character, all of the movies got some aspect of the comic wrong.

Having said that I agree Harry Potter doesn't have heritage. Lost in space is being remade I think.
82
82
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (4.5)
Not bad, I think her power needs a drawback. For instance a more complex idea or skill she can do it but lacks the wisdom to apply it.
83
83
for entry "Birdsong
Review by jolanh
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Or if you live up north you hear the Ravens in the trash cans
84
84
Review of The Weave Mage  
Review by jolanh
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
It's good, but I think it could be scaled back and thread needs a little clarification. I don't care about the dragons dying, I want to know more about threads. One thing I would do is put the malrak bit at the start it would work better I think.
85
85
Review of Black Locust  
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very cute story it doesn't lag. I. Glad you didn't make her all powerful as most people who write psychics tend to do in near dragon ballian levels. Sorry it took so long to get back
86
86
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
Are you adding a supernatural component? If so then this looks like a a solid start.

Especially if Simon turns out to be a spirit after Susie's soul.

Should you find the time check out the adventures of Silverbolt
87
87
Review of The Tree  
Review by jolanh
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
You need more in here, I don't normally read romance, but this needs work. It would benefit from more show than tell.
88
88
Review of Anti-Hero.  
Review by jolanh
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Awesome I free style from time to time.
89
89
Review by jolanh
Rated: GC | (5.0)
Here take my points I believe in you
90
90
Review by jolanh
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Okay what you have is great. It's nice to see some classic occult action. Your exposition at beginning could be shortened.the moment I got "oh no it's them" I was engaged.if you must keep the exposition use it in dialogue, or pepper it in to plague your characters with hardship. Especially weather changes. It gives a chance to reveal character. I hope this helps

Should you have time check out Silverbolt origins. Ignore the second part...had to rewrite it
91
91
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am giving you all my points
92
92
Review of One Foot Forward  
Review by jolanh
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I appreciate the the realism you are trying to bring to the table. I want to know about pondling, not his creation. The concept is great I just think this might flow better with more character interaction rather than long exposition.
93
93
Review by jolanh
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I read both there needs to be more. I get she is a portal jumper, and all but the scenes need some concrete fixings especially after landing in gravity falls. Your dialogue shines,your mc has motivation but I can't see the motivations of the other characters. I am pretty sure this is a rough draft though.

Should you have time take a peek a Silverbolt origin
94
94
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
I can't find that kind of faith. I am glad you have.
95
95
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
Is this an effective tool for fleshing out a character? I need to round some my own characters and I am curious about it. Did you decide on traits before or did the character reveal as you went?
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96
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well said. You are absolutely right.you are not less of woman because you don't feel the need to fit some mold laid out by your peers. My daughter chooses to be her own person, and makes no apologies for it and doesn't let anyone tell her different. A group of girls told her eating noodles could be seen as unattractive. She just laughed at them and told them to go away. I think young women need to read this and know it's okay to be different
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97
Review of Prism  
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
The dream sequence is a hard thing to pull off. It requires a specific touch. My rule is if it's make it feel like one. Which you do, it feels and looks like a dream and I don't feel cheated when the main character wakes up
98
98
Review by jolanh
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Damnit write the next part already. I like this. Anything could happen. The house could be haunted, or maybe someone buried money
....so what happens
99
99
Review of Lone Wolf  
for entry "Chapter 1
Review by jolanh
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
What is your characters thing? He is an enforcer, hit man, what makes him stand out from the others? It could be a big as something he chooses to wear or signature kill, or a small as favorite weapon like a Colt .500. personalize him.
100
100
Review by jolanh
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
The story is great, the concept is good, your dialogue while consistent doesn't feel organic. I know you are going for a unique feel, but how they talk turned me off. I can see one character speaking that way, however a better way would've to choose a language and use idioms like haude yer wrist,which is the equivalent of hold your tongue. Stuff like that. The dialogue is the only thing holding this piece back
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