I like your idea of investigating a friendship between three people, when one of them becomes a third wheel on a bicycle. Your feelings are well represented in the piece, but I find the story too choppy. There seems to be very little flow between paragraphs, and we jump days ahead and then are thrust into another situation. I’ve listed a few queries below where I see some problems. Please don’t get discouraged by the length of this review, or the rating the piece has been given. You’ve got a good story idea, and with some work it will turn out great.
Your words, cut directly from your story, are in bold, everything else is my opinion, and please remember it is only my opinion.
On that same day, he received a phone call from Chelsea. She wanted to know what was going on, and she wanted to meet him at David’s house, so that they could talk to him and find out what was so horribly wrong in his life. When he got there, he thought it was strange that Chelsea was already there, and she and David were having a good time in spite of the circumstances.
Why end it here? This is what the story is about and you avoid the conversation between the three of them.
When Scott walked into Sarah’s house, he noticed her dad hooking up a speaker to the stereo. While her dad was doing that, her mom greeted Scott and asked, “Would you like a strawberry margarita?”
You never mention the age of these people, but serving alcohol to minors seems inappropriate.
He replied, “Yeah, Sarah’s got a buzz, and her boyfriend is drunker than a skunk, but I’ve only had one margarita
You mentioned earlier that hew was the only one to show up, yet her boyfriend is drunk?
As he went back inside, Sarah asked him what was wrong. Scott said that nothing was wrong, and he went back inside
He went back inside twice?
He could concentrate on nothing except what had happened that day
This line doesn’t read right. You might replace ”could” with “couldn’t and “nothing” with “anything”
As a matter of fact, Sarah herself had broken down three times, and he hadn’t known about any of them.
Your getting your point of view mixed up here. If he hadn’t known about any of them, how does he know?
But when I reach for that light, I grab naught but thin air, for that light has gone forever.
And know not what to do
Naught? Why the change to old style English?
Peter
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