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Review Requests: OFF
401 Public Reviews Given
432 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
 I review both the technical and creative aspects of writing. I look for
 passive voice, excessive telling and redundant words/ phrases. 

I am British and so write, myself, in UK English. However, I have a good 
understanding of US English and so I am happy to review pieces
 in American English 

Character development is important to me as is tone and atmosphere. 
I am happy to review chapters and novels as long as requests are placed
 one chapter at a time. I will not review a chapter from the middle of 
a novel without having reviewed the rest as plot and character 
development can not be effectively analysed.

Feel free to contact me for reviews.
I'm good at...
I am good at reviewing short stories and chapters. I can not review poetry as I have little experience in that area
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Sci-fi, Steampunk.
Least Favorite Genres
Non Fiction and Articles.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novels and flash fiction.
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
Poetry, Erotica
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 -4- 5 ... Next
76
76
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
This is a wonderful and informative piece. I have long known of the Grimm Brothers and knew they were responsible for bringing some of the world’s best loved fairytales to prominence. But I have to confess I knew little about them themselves. It is always a sign of greatness when someone’s work outshines the individual, and I think it is a testament to their skills that people do remember their work and not them.

Anyway, I’ll stop now. I just wanted to say that I like the piece very much, and am grateful for the extra information.

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77
77
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Wow, a very lovely poem. It has a nice rhythm and flow to it, and is very dreamy and light in its form.

I also like the way you have transitioned the font colour throughout the piece, which gives a very pleasing visual effect.

Very nice job. A beautiful piece, both in visual and literary terms.

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78
78
Review of Awakening  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a nice piece. You did a good job in getting the imagery across even when the main character couldn't see. I thought that was very well done. I also like the way you eased in the back story in a way that it didn't interfere with the present. It’s a very good piece. Well done.

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79
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
That's a nice start to your story. It's well written, the characters seem quite natural and the situation comes across well.

The isolation of the main character does well to instate a connection with the reader as it is easy to sympathise. It does well to convey that late teenage phase, when you know things are about to change and will never be same again, which is an event nearly everyone has or will experience during thier lives.

So again, a good piece. Keep up the good work, and I'll see you in the CSFS forums sometime.


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80
Review of Fugue: 2012  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hmm, this piece has a very good plot and a nice message. I feel, however, that it isn't shown off to its best in the reflective, dialogue rich structure it's currently in. I feel, it would be much more engrossing if you told the majority of the story by following the characters at the time of the event. It would allow the readers to share the characters emotions more, and feel more immediately involved. The news coverage angle, distances the reader from the action, in my opinion, which is a shame, as it is a powerful tale.

I would rewrite it through the two characters at the time of the event, and then jump into the future and go down the news coverage angle at the end, as a conclusion.

I enjoyed the piece, and feel you could do a lot with it. It's a very good plot idea, which has the potential to be a very power piece, if you can make it more immediate.

Anyway, good work so far, and keep it up! I look forward to reading more of your work.


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81
Review of White Horses  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
An interesting and very surreal piece. It is nice and descriptive which gives the piece a strong atmosphere and a good sense of dream space. You do show some very unusual use of capital letters, though. Now, I’m gathering the capital letters on the animals is something to do with a prompt, so I won’t count those. However, your use of full capital letters on words which you want to emphasis seems very off to me.

When it comes to emphasising words, I have always seen people use italics rather than capital letters. To me, the use of capital letters denotes shouting and a more abrupt, rude sort of emphasis, rather than the type you are going for. Perhaps, you have been taught to do it different. Either way, it grated at me, and seemed to disrupt the flow of the piece in places.

Other than that it’s a good piece. The content is good, although, it could, perhaps, be structured better in places. Good job though, keep it up.


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82
82
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Prefaces are tricky little things and I admire your brave attempt. I think the punctuation is a little off in places. The first line I would split up as follows to make it clearer:


Some would say this a story of tragic events. Some would say it is a heroic tale. But, however you view this story, it is what it is.

Of course that's just my personal opinion. I'm sure there are other ways too.

Overall, it seems a nice traditional introduction, with plenty of hints and intrigues to grab a reader's attention. It could be done in a more dynamic way, but it will certainly do its job as it is.

so, overall, I would say it is a good preface, and while it doesn't push any boundaries, it will do the job decently with a little edit. So, good job.


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83
83
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a very good little tale, I enjoyed it very much. There are, however, a large number of typos and grammar errors that need to be corrected. But, I do think once polished it will be a very good piece.

I think both the plot and the characters have been very well done. The descriptions are nice and detailed, bringing across the atmosphere of war and death well. It almost has a WW2 feel to it, with just a slightly modern twist, which I like.

All in all, good job. With a heavy edit you will have a good piece here. Well done, and keep it up.

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84
Review of Grimorium Within  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a nice little section. There are one or two typos but those can be easily fixed. With such a short piece, I can't really comment much on the plot, or even character development, but both seem to me to have good potential.

Your sentences flow quite well and your description is detailed enough for my taste. Perhaps, your desription of the main character could be arranged a little better, as it does feel slightly stinted, but other than that, it's a nice piece.

Keep it up.

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85
85
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I like this chapter, it had a decent pace and it was good to see Sean pushed pyschically out of his comfort zone, it was a good side of his character to show, it adds some vulnerability.

I think chapters of this size are the optimum length. While overly short chapters do annoy me as they seem to over fragment the story a lot of the time. I feel this length is about right as it is manageable without a stop gap. Some of your previous chapters I feel may be a little long. The ones around 90kbs I would split in half, as people generally have an upper limit for concentraing on one thing without a break or getting distracted, and chapter endings are a perfect invitation for them to do so. Just make sure there is a pull there to entice them into making it short. Hope you're having a nice easter.
86
86
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A good chapter. It has a nice balance of character development, plot and action. I will point something out though. When Chris is attacked and see Sean, shouldn't she recognise him using his fake name and not his real one? You might want to check the times she refers to him and see if it has been done more than once.

Other than that, it's a good chapter.
87
87
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Well things are certainly picking up in the story, and I had kind of seen this disaster coming. I do think that like the first chapter it is too long, and needs to be split. You have introduced a lot of new characters at the end of this chapter which is good, and the pace does pick up at the point where the camp is attacked.

Looking back at the four chapters so far, I would say the pace is a little slow overall. In the last chapter and the first half of this one you put a lot of effort into establishing and advancing characters only to kill them off in this chapter. I feel the space would be better used to advance Sean and his uncle. I would not say to remove it all entirely, but perhaps to merge the first half of this chapter with the last chapter but cut it all down to the same length.I think Sean's feelings for Rose and her death are the most important aspect of that as that will shape things in the future and drastically alter his outlook.

Your characterisation and writing ability are strong and are certainly getting stronger with each chapter, but I think you just need to reassess the overall structure by tightening it up and condensing it, or by adding in a few more build ups of tension or action.

Like is said though, it is a good chapter and your writing is getting better, so keep it up.
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88
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
That was a good chapter. Again your writing is getting tighter and I don't see anything out of place in this chapter. I don't think you need to worry about the lack of supernatural happenings in the chapter, as it is focused on Sean rediscovering his past, and just because it is mundane doesn't mean it is uninteresting. Sean had a lot to deal with in this chapter and I think you showed it well in his behaviour and emotions. If you were worried that this chapter would be overly boring because there is no supernatural conflict then I don't think you need to. It adds to Sean's character development and fills the reader in on bits of his past.

So all in all it's a good chapter. There are a few mistakes dotted around, and it could be tightened a bit, but it's still a good job and advances both the plot and the main character well.
89
89
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
That does indeed move much faster than the last chapter. I'll certainly agree your writing has become a little more concise since the last chapter. I did almost give it a 4.5 as it is pretty much on the border for me between a 4 and a 4.5 but i'm confident the next chapter will tip it over that balance as there is a clear sense of advancement in it.

Part which I would say could need a little alteration, is the part in which sean's uncle is descibing his parents. It just feels a little to structured and formal for a dinner table conversation. Particularly the physical discriptions, which while I feel would work well in a character bio or standard description, it just feels a little off to me in dialogue. I would think that perhaps that conversation might be better had with Sean and his uncle alone, perhaps with some old photos, but that's just my thought.

Other than that here's a nice pointless little detail for you:
“Red sky at night, sailors delight,” It's quite amasing how sayings change with cultures, because over here in rainly old england, it's "red sky at night sheperds delight. Red sky in the morning sheperds warning." Funny, and we were supposed to be the maritime hotspot too... or maybe it's just a westcountry farmer thing... hmmm interesting thought.

Anyway a good chapter, showing good improvement from the previous one. I also agree with your comment at the start about splitting chapter 1 into two, it's a good idea and will make it more manageable. This chapter I found to be a much better length and better paced. Happy writing.
90
90
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Very good piece. Nice raise in tension and some very good character introductions. I can't personally see any way it can be improved, so good job. Keep it up.
91
91
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A nice job. You're main character has a really strong voice through out it, and the other characters are quite distinctive and well developed too. It's hard to judge the plot really as I feel it is only just getting started at the end of chapter 2, but I can the setting and characters have great potential. You could do with a bit more description, particularly mixed in with the dialogue, as you seem to have a lot of dialogue and the description all lumped togeather. and I picked out a few things you could change:

"That’s my teacher, Mrs. Sims; she’s crazy. She wears the same colors every day, black and gray. Yuck! She always has her hair in this ugly bun; it's just tacky. She wears the same black and gray gym shoes every day! One word to describe her is yuck!"

It may seem petty but you use "every day" twice in only a few sentences which jarrs slightly.

And:

“(*Ring!*)”

I'm not sure if you're trying to cover yourself by using * ) and " marks but in truth you don't need any:

Ring.

Would do.

* you only need to use to denote an action in a forum.

" is only for speech, and bells don't speak, and

( are mainly used for additional comments or skipable information.

Still a very good start, keep at it, and welcome to the CSFS.
92
92
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A nice start. Good description. There could do with a little more show rather than tell though, as the opening isn't as strong as it could be. The characters are interesting but the dialogue seems a little restrained and forced in places. You also really need to space it out properly as a single block of writing is hard to read, you need to paragraph it.

Other than that a promising start. Welcome to the CSFS. Perhaps I'll see you in the expresso hall sometime.
93
93
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Very good. The characters come across strongly with each being unique and the story developes nicely. I have found another typo but as it is easily fixed I won't mark you down on it:

"Argent replied with much less vigor in his voice than used to showing in public."

There need to be a "he was" in there for the sentence to make grammatic sense.

Other than that, a very good piece. Nice description and good dialogue. Very well done.
94
94
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A very good next installment after the prologue. I did really want to give it a 4.5 but I'm not convinced with some of the dialogue. Most of it is really good, it's mainly the comments of the soldiers when Bryant is trying to get them up. I just think that the insolence of soldiers would run a little sharper, than not wanting to get up mommy comments, and there are otherways to make them look pathetic, perhaps one of them could clutch a stuffed toy or hug his blankets in an infentile manner.

I personally was satisfied with the amount of description in your piece, as the problem with too much description is it slows the story and dilutes the action. I think it flows well enough as it is.

Also you may want to look at this following sentence:

"Were they not been painstakingly tied down prior to sunset, the horses would have not lasted long past midnight."

I think you either need to change the "were" to a had or need to remove the "been" as the two togeather seems to clash grammer wise.

Overall though, a very good piece which advances the story well. I do think you could compact some sentences a little as there is some word wastage and some area's of dialogue could be improved. But an awsome piece, keep it up.
95
95
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A very nice story. The description is strong and very atmospheric, the plot has a nice moral meaning to it, which comes across really well and the characters actions and behaviours come across really well. A very good job. The first sentence:

"I was sitting in this run down local café, pretending to read a paper, as I sipped from a cracked coffee cup a dark bitter liquid that passed for coffee in the dump."

could perhaps do with a little rejig, possibly:

"Sitting in a run down local café, pretending to read a paper, I sipped the dark, bitter, liquid passing for coffee in this dump, from a cracked coffee cup ."

It's not perfect either, I'm sure you can do better. Very good story though. I enjoyed it. Keep it up!
96
96
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very interesting and nicely written. The atmosphere does certainly feel rather surreal, and you get across the creepy and eerie aspects of the story well. A very good job.

One mistake though:

"waste" in the first sentence I'm guessing should be "wasted"

But yes very nice piece keep it up.
97
97
Review of Eddie Ozark  
for entry "Dreams of Darkness" 
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A very nice start to a story. Wonderful description and you give a nice introduction to the characters and situation.

One typo I'll just point out - Eddie brain = Eddie's brain.

But obviously I'm not going to mark you down for something as small as that.

I really enjoyed this piece and look forward to seeing how pans out. Good job, and keep it up!

Oh and welcome to the CSFS. Perhaps I'll see you in the forums.
98
98
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A very good piece indeed. You're characters are brilliantly indepth, the dialogue is really natural, and your descriptions set the scene and carry the drama wonderfully. I couldn't find any mistakes and the whole piece flows really well, structure and plot wise. A very good job. I will try to remember to read more when I have the time. A well deserved five stars I think, and I don't give them often. Keep it up.
99
99
for entry "Chapter 1 - Return" 
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A very good piece. Nice descriptions and the characters come across really well, with a true sense of depth and history. The hints at the emerging plot are intriguing, and show great potential for growth. So overall a very nice job. Well done.
100
100
Review of Bonded  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A very good dramatic start. There are a few clumsy sentences however that could be restructured, and at least one typo:

"He stood up from out couch and bowed in my direction,"

Out = Our, I'm guessing.

It's a good plot with pleanty of emotion, but sometimes the dialogue and actions of the characters feel ever so slightly wooden, but i'm sure as the story progresses, you'll get much more comfortable in expressing the characters, or rather in letting the characters express themselves.

But overall a very good start. I have no doubt this has the making of a great novel, so keep it up!
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