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Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, Hello Love!

Welcome to Writing.com! I adore your user name! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask! I am always willing to re-rate after you have finished editing.

First Impressions:
This is a cute story! It is great when we can learn something from minor events. Emily and Kendall seemed very real to me. You have a talent for creating characters!

Mechanics:
My main suggestion is to check your work with the site's spell check, or use a word processing program. You have a few spelling mistakes. I hope you don't mind my suggestions.

i = I (Always capitalize the word "I".)

nabors = neighbors

Mrs. Jall, My first = Mrs. Jall, my first....

craking up = cracking up

Everytime a character speaks, it is a new paragraph. I will give you one example.

When we got there I said,"So did you see Billy again today?" Emily replied,"Even worse he's in my 4th period PE class and he sits right behind me!"

When we got there I said, (space) "So did you see Billy again today?"

Emily replied, (space) "Even worse (comma) he's in my 4th period PE class and he sits right behind me!"

I hope these examples show some of the common errors we all make.

Flow/Content:
Your story flows nicely. You did a great job moving from the class setting, to the bus, to the house. I like how you showed that the girls were bored, and also the closeness of their friendship.

Favorite line/s:
Call me later and ill research on my dads criminal profile thing he has on his computer." Emily said joking around.

Overall:
You have humor, friendship, and a lesson in life in a very short story! I am impressed! However, all the little errors make it difficult to read. I think with some editing, your story will shine! Keep writing about your friendships, and even your pain. You learn something, and teach something, every time you write. And, I learn something everytime I read your work!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Creech!

Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask! These are my personal opinions, so take those suggestions you can use, and discard the rest!

First Impressions:
This sounds like a great book with a wonderful moral.

Mechanics:
My suggestions are minor.

Book titles should be underlined. See "WritingML help" for the code.

I like the title of your essay. Perhaps a "the" in front of "peace" would make it clear that you are discussing two separate concepts that are related.

Flow/Content:
Thanks for the paragraph indents! Your essay is well ordered. You have a thesis statement, examples, and a conclusion. Nicely done! The only suggestion I have is to perhaps expand your essay, and give a few more details about each person. It seems rushed.

Favorite line/s:
The best thing to remember is that hate is easy, and forgiveness is hard, but try to reverse those and it will change your life forever.

Amen!

Overall:
Great job with the synopsis of this book! You have described the characters and their conflicts, and extracted the theme. Keep writing! You are good at writing essays; and I look forward to more of your work.

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello Mabao!

Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask! I am always willing to read and re-rate your work after you edit.

I admire your desire to affect political change, and to awaken the sleeping electorate. So many people don't even care enough to vote...

I love the historical references you have scattered throughout this piece. I also agree with you about politicians, which, of course, is the reason many people do not vote. They do not believe they have the power to affect change.

It is not until the very end of the essay that you reveal your theme: social security reform. The preceding paragraphs are only clear with that piece of information. I would include a thesis sentence in the first paragraph to explain what your essay is about.

Your last sentence is "Do your duty as an American." However, you do not tell us exactly what that entails. Do you want us to write Congress? March in the streets? Replace all the corrupt politicians? If you tell us what you want, I guarantee some people will follow your advice. America will be stronger for it.

Thank you, sincerely, for caring enough to write about this issue. You have an historical perspective, and your passion and patriotism is evident. With some editing, I think your argument could be persuasive enough to compel others to get involved in the political process. Keep writing about these issues; your pen is as important as your voice. Both are stronger than we sometimes realize, and both are needed to prevent disaster.

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review of The stalker  
Review by KimChi
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello DarkDeception!

Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask! Take those suggestions you feel are useful and ignore the rest. I am always happy to re-rate at the end of the editing process.

First Impressions:
Is that what they call it these days--stumbling? *Blush* I'm glad I stumbled upon your story. I do not normally seek out erotica, but I enjoyed being a voyeur. You have a talent for this genre! *Bigsmile*

Mechanics:
My suggestions are minor, and relate mainly to punctuation.

1. Use quotation marks or italicized text to show internal dialogue.
in a tin can Bella thought....
"...in a tin can," Bella thought....

2. Avoid sentence fragments if possible.
lavished upon her. Especially
lavished upon her, especially

3. Make sure your actions progress logically (in sequence).
Her palms began to sweat as she wiped them....
Her palms began to sweat, and (or so) she wiped them....

4. Check for repeated words in the same sentence or paragraph.
...their catatonic stares staring back at her....
...but her eyes were met by the catatonic stares of thousands of faces....

They were...bobbing heads...bobbing head.

5. Reading your work aloud may reveal words that sound similar. A word processing program would miss them because they are spelled correctly.
rationale thinking
rational thinking

I hope these examples show some of the common errors we all make.

Flow/Content:
This story takes place during a short period of time, and I think it flows nicely. You set the stage with the rock concert, and built the tension to the climax at the end. I felt Bella's emotions as she was lost, and found, in the surging crowd.

I would caution you, however, to limit overused phrases. In this case, you have a puppeteer as well as both a cat and lion stalking their prey. Sometimes you can obtain consistency and depth by choosing one comparison and weaving it throughout the story.

Favorite line/s: I had to censor it, so here's my second fave:
His husky voice rumbled through her head, setting loose the basket of butterflies that had lain dormant until this moment in time in her stomach.

Overall:
There are some marvelous turns of phrase and lush words that set a sexy mood for your story. "Chastising her paranoia", "diaphanous", and "lavished" jumped out at me. If we judge a story by whether it produces the "desired" effect, I must say yours is told well! A bit of tightening will make it shine!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Will King!

Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask!

First Impressions:
I should have known better than to open your essay. These kinds of crimes against children haunt me for years. However, I thank you for calling attention to such atrocities in your writing. Many of us choose fantasy over reality.

Mechanics:
I hope you don't mind a few suggestions that might tighten your essay.

"Other than that I don’t know" You may want to delete this portion. I believe the remainder of the sentence conveys the idea well. I see your piece more as an opinion piece than a rhetorical essay.

"or where her lived = he lived

Flow/Content:
"Apparently he went" This paragraph starts out in past tense and switches to present. I think it might flow better if you stick to past tense, as this has already happened.

"What he ended up doing"
"he took it upon himself"

These portions make your essay wordy, and suggests that you have inserted your opinion, when you are actually stating facts. If you want to show reality, I think it may be easier to stick to "he placed", "he took her" etc.

Favorite line/s: (I agree with you in theory!)
In my opinion, I believe that the family of the deceased should have a certain restricted period of time to do what they will with him.

Overall:
The last paragraph is your opinion, and this is where you can play around with phrases, because these are abstract ideas. This portion shines, as you have clearly described your opinion that the family deserves to determine justice. Nicely done.

I look forward to reading more of your work. It is wonderful to see writers use their talents to spotlight social causes.

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Kenzie!

I hope my honest review will be helpful to you.

First Impressions:
You have made me reconsider what I call a "real" writer.

Flow/Content:
You have excellent examples to support the idea that rushing to publish can have negative consequences.

Favorite line/s:
The need to write words on a page or computer screen is something that grows within us until we finally have to succumb.

Overall:
Thanks for showing how society's definition of "writer" has changed, and how it has not. As with many areas of life, the passion matters more than the technique.

In gratitude,

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Review by KimChi
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello cemetarykat!

Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask! I am always willing to re-rate after an edit.

First Impressions:
After a slow start, you've got me hooked! I am desperate to find this poor girl before she hurts herself. Good job making a realistic character!

Mechanics:
I understand you are still working on this, so you probably already know it is a bit choppy. I suggest using a spell checker, as most will also alert you to sentence fragments, tense discrepancies, and passive voice. It makes editing so much easier! I have used some of the edit points you so graciously inserted. I hope it gives you an idea of the common mistakes we all make.

Flow/Content:
You have set the background of the story carefully in the first three chapters, and now I think I see how some of the lines will intersect. Looking back, I see the clues you dropped concerning her mental state. Well done!

You portray human emotion well, and consistently show vs. tell when people are interacting with each other. I see facial expressions, touching, noise level, etc.

I would like to see more vivid descriptions of the settings; especially the bar. We all know what a bar looks like, but how is this one special? Since much of the action takes place there, it would be nice to know whether it resembles a high class lounge, a western saloon, or a homey diner.

Favorite line/s:
She stood and watched this tall man as he hooked her precious car up to his truck to drive away with all her dreams.

Overall:
I like the community spirit you are painting here. Best of all, I am emotionally invested in your character, and that does not happen often. I would say it is actually the most important component of a great story. So keep writing Cass' story, and the rest will fall into place.

In gratitude,

Kimchi

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Review of Lily's Utopia  
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello mono!

Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, feel free to ask! Please remember these are only my opinions.

First Impressions:
This is a sweet story, with just a touch of melancholy.

Flow/Content:
I enjoyed ambling down to the special spot with the characters!

I have only minor suggestions.

"...past the giant weeping willow where we’d sit under and paint."
This lies at the end of a long sentence and it sounds awkward. The easiest fix is to delete the word "under".

The second description of the path seems repetitive. I think you could take out everything up to the following line and still maintain the flashback's integrity.

"She led me down the grassy hill...."

Favorite line/s:
She always seemed to smell the same as a lily.

Overall:
I can see Lily and her garden clearly, and they are beautiful. Thanks for painting a secret nook with words, and may you paint many more special scenes!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Hunter19!

Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask! I am always happy to re-rate after an edit.

First Impressions:
I'm not sure whether to feel sorry for Olivera, or to admire his courage.

Mechanics:
The lack of either a standard five space indent or a line between paragraphs makes this difficult to read on the computer screen. I would also suggest making this part into 2 chapters. Many people will see the length (13 pages printed!), and not want to read it in one sitting. I'm impressed with your dedication and stamina! However, human nature is what it is. You may get more readers if you divide this into more manageable chunks.

Content/Flow:
I like the way you've interspersed the narrator's memories with the action. However, it isn't clear that the narrator is also Olivera. (Is that correct?)

You have a large and varied vocabulary. It may be that you type too quickly, but there are quite a few homophone errors: their/there, bare/bear, to/too
There are also typos: where/were, it self/itself, bar tender/bartender, clock/cloak, whipping/wiping.

And please do not think I'm being a grammar snob, but most of your dialogue is missing punctuation. For example:
"Here ya go mate" he said still grinning. "Drink up"
"Here ya go, mate," he said, still grinning. "Drink up."

For the length of this chapter, the flow is great. However, there were a few areas that seemed unclear. While you may explain them in the next chapter, I will point them out in case they are not clues to future events.

Jennifer goes from almost dead, to helping Olivera stand in only a minute. Then she fights five men, and becomes weak. I understand that vampires heal quickly, but it seems miraculous even for the undead. Even an "amazingly" in front of "the woman stood up" would be a small clue.

After an eventful night, Olivera falls asleep. Then the narrator says: "after Crysiflur's death", but his death is not mentioned in the story. In other words, the time sequence jumps around, and to me it is confusing. However, this is only one person's opinion, and some days my brain works better than others, so forgive me if I missed something.

Favorite line/s:
Olivera just looked at her blankly. “Ever heard of a blood bank” *Laugh*

Overall:
You have an intriguing story with memorable characters. I especially admire you ability to describe people, in appearance as well as in action. Your dialogue is outstanding: it is realistic and witty, and moves the plot along nicely. I think a detailed edit would make the story flow better, and give it clarity. A bit of spit and polish will show this story for the shining gem it is. Please do continue to write on--you have a talent for this genre.


In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello fyn!

I hope my honest review will be helpful to you, because the system will not allow me to revise it.

First Impressions:
Professional and homey at the same time. That's good writin'.

Flow/Content:
I like all the good tips you drop. I especially liked the sculpting/painting analogies, which fit well with the art of revision.

Nits:
On your next edit, consider a period after “…poetry emerges”, and a blank line to show a new paragraph.*Wink*

Favorite line/s:
He told me he had rewritten "Stopping By the Woods on a Snowy Evening" close to fifty times before he got it right.

Overall:
You've certainly persuaded me with your argument. It is well worth the effort to look at any criticism of your work as an opportunity, rather than as a slam. After reading this, I am not only determined to work harder at editing; but also, strangely enough, more confident that I can get it right…eventually. Thanks for the reminder.

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello lostwalker89!

Welcome to WDC! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you. Feel free to ask any questions if I seem unclear!

First Impressions:
What a hard way to learn a valuable lesson!

Spelling/Grammar:
unless your crazy = unless you're crazy
seperate = separate

A spell checker makes life so much easier! I can't live without mine: it picks up missing commas, passive voice, and spelling errors. If you have Microsoft Word, they will be underlined in green and red.

“This is it” Mario said as it was approaching.
"This is it," Mario said as it approached.

Flow/Content:
I like your casual voice here, the sentence fragments lend to the authenticity of an 18 year old speaking. I can see the group sitting around the table discussing the issue; I can feel the boredom that propels them into trouble. Great job on painting a realistic scene!

There are a few areas that seem to contradict each other. While it may be a matter of style, I will point them out in case they were not clues to your character's personality.

"...a BMW I received as a graduation present. It was only loaned to me for the duration of the summer."

"Basically a drag, but always a good time.

The story follows logically; the plan, the preparation, and the execution. The fight scene is the climax, and you did a great job there.

I think "how naive" makes a perfect final line, but the ending seemed unfinished. How, exactly did the boy's life change that summer? What lessons did he learn? The answers to those questions might make a powerful ending paragraph.

Favorite line/s:
It was our last few months before college, and we wanted nothing to do but have good, quality fun; so, we discussed money.

Overall:
This story has "a ton" of potential. *Bigsmile* I would like to see more of the main character's emotions, which might draw the reader into the story. You have great elements to work with; action, conspiracy, and even death. You threw your characters into a bad situation and made them fight their way out. With a bit of tightening this will be a powerful story. I am always happy to read and re-rate after an edit. Thanks for the lesson on the dangers of group-think, and please keep those action scenes coming!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello StephenPNelson!

Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you. If not, feel free to ask questions.

First Impressions:
There are some original supernatural elements here that make me want to continue reading.

Spelling/Grammar:
You have a wonderful grasp of the mechanics of language, and I noticed no glaring errors.

Flow/Content:
Your first chapter flows along nicely. I loved your description of Grandpa and his relationship with the girl.

The paragraph describing the land has some interesting anthropomorphism. I especially enjoyed:

Some ancient tribe had dammed the side waterway and the river’d been too lazy to get upset about it.

I like that you’ve described the entire area. However, it began to feel like a list, as six of the nine sentences begin with “the” and a noun. Perhaps mix the paragraph up for variety.

I’m also unsure if this is the correct place to insert information about an ownership dispute. It seems out of place when you are strictly describing the terrain. My suggestion is to describe the scenery as she is walking; then it would be appropriate to give the background knowledge from her perspective.

Other:
There are a few instances of repeated words, and I realize it is deliberate. The effect seems to break tension in the kind of passage one would normally build tension. I am unsure what your intent was, but I thought I'd mention it anyway.

Why?” she asked the silent trees. The silent trees remained silent.
Perhaps: "Why?" she asked the silent trees; but they remained mute.

Overall:
Please do not be discouraged by the rating. The plot contained in your opening chapter is complex, and I applaud your creativity and unique writing style. You have introduced the characters, given us a hint of racial tension--and a lot of supernatural mystery. All of the elements are present, and with a bit of tweaking they will fall together into an exciting story!

I would be happy to look at this chapter again after editing. Thank you for a completely original and intriguing story.

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello kattway92!

I hope my honest review will be helpful to you. Poetry is hard for me, so some suggestions may be based more on my feelings than your technique!

First Impressions:
When I find the answers to your questions we can party. I'll bring the prune juice.*Wink*

Spelling/Grammar:
Your first question is in parentheses, so the other questions should probably also be contained. As a writer of prose I like to see more, rather than less, punctuation. As a reader of poetry, I'm probably in the minority on this! *Laugh*

Flow/Content:
Your poem flows logically, and your words are well chosen.
While the meaning of this line is clear,

The question and our mind altered

I did have to stop and think about it. It has no commas, so my brain turned the "and" into an "in". I know...don't you just love irony?

Favorite line/s:
Midlife hits and we begin to mull
Time we’ve wasted over the years


Overall:
I really enjoyed this rhetorical rhyme. You showed how comforting it is to know that others are going through this, as well as the fear that our answers must be unique. I am finally going to answer that question: when I grow up, I want to be writer. Thanks for asking...and in such lovely style! *Thumbsup*

In gratitude,

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Review of The Climb  
Review by KimChi
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello billwilcox!

I hope my honest review will be helpful to you.

First Impressions:
I don't want to give anything away, but I will say that you wrote this so well that the ending surprised me!

Favorite line/s:
This is what I do for a living, Natasha—I climb mountains!

Overall:
I loved your first line; great set up. You've written a highly entertaining piece of flash where every word counts. Thanks for showing how mountain climbing can be a form of therapy. *Thumbsup*

In gratitude,

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Review of I Am Not Cool!  
Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Victoria!

I hope my honest review will be helpful to you.

First Impressions:
I am so not cool.

Flow/Content:
I get an advice column feel here. I like the way you segued from one senior moment to the next--it reminded me of my mother and how she would retrace her thoughts to find a memory. Except now I do it too!

I love the tone: it is homey and realistic; but I think some spots could be tighter. Some of your funniest lines might have more impact if you concentrate on 3 or 4 of your best examples and emphasize them. Just my opinion.

Favorite line/s:
Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone.*Cool*

Overall:
I've been trying to hold on to my cool, too. I guess it is time to let it go. Thanks for reminding me I'm getting old. Not! *Smile* Write on!

In gratitude,

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Review of To Cast A Circle  
Review by KimChi
Rated: | (4.0)
Hello nikido

I hope my honest review will be helpful to you. (I am not a poet. My suggestions are from vague feelings rather than technical knowledge.)

First Impressions:
Love the magickal spell you weave here!

Spelling/Grammar:
I saw no spelling errors.

Flow/Content:
I liked the cadence of this poem. A nice beat without the sing-song quality that rhymes sometimes create.

I did, however, feel a slight hitch near the beginning; I was wanting more syllables in the line ending "plain". Also, you should select age ratings for the piece. "E" for "everyone" is more than likely appropriate.

Favorite line/s:
Where there is no place for lies and tears,
No place for pain or irrational fears,


Overall:
A great description of the complex feelings a simple circle creates. Thanks for casting it here at Writing.com! Welcome, and Blessed Be!

In gratitude,

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Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Vivian Gilbert Zabel!

I hope my honest review will be helpful to you.

First Impressions:
I have been searching for just such an overview of poetic devices.

Flow/Content:
I like that you put the definitions first, for easy reference. Further into the piece you have wonderful examples of the devices which are shown in red. Love the presentation.

Favorite line/s:
I loved all your poetry, but I will use the example of the term I was researching.

metonymy: the substitution of a word for one with which it is closely associated:

Scandals peep from every window,
Hide behind each hedge,
Waiting to pounce on the unwary,
As the White House cringes in dismay


Overall:
This is an excellent resource and overview for new poets. Thank you for a concise and thorough lesson in poetry forms.

In gratitude,

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Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a powerful story, and I got goosebumps reading it. Your husband sounds like my husband--a logical person who doesn't see the world of miracles that surrounds us.

I imagine the man quit drinking, too, if he had any sense at all. Close calls will do that to you, and that is also part of the miracle, although sometimes hidden.

Thanks for the read, and congrats on your second place tie in the "Invalid Item!

In gratitude,
Kimchi
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Review by KimChi
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Molly Jean!

What a great way to start a novel...with a muscle car and a hunk!

Your story flows well, and the dialogue is great. I love Georgia's conversations with Matt, they are believable.

The only suggestions I have are to perhaps mix up your paragraphs for interest, and check for repeated words.

Near the end you have three lines in a row that sound similar, which tends to trip readers:
She ran her gaze....
She met the gaze....
She felt her body....


I didn't notice any typos, because I was engrossed in the story. I know I will enjoy reading the other chapters. Thanks for the hot ride!

In gratitude,
Kimchi





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Review by KimChi
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello, Emilbus!

This a fabulous poem; heartfelt and informative. There were no typos that I noticed. I saw the scene clearly. And, it hurt my heart to be there inside the action. Great job.

I am wondering why you used the term "sqaw", as to my undertanding it is a perjorative term. (Which may also have been your point..)

I've notice that we humans forget easily the evil we do, but find it almost impossible to release the evil done to us. It is a flaw we are born with, as natural as not having gills. Great Spirit has reasons for both--for we can both create something to breathe underwater, as well as learn to forgive.

Thank you for the reminder that terrorism, by definition, does not hide soley in institutions--it must find a home in the heart first.


In gratitude,
Kimchi







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Review of One Step  
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (5.0)
Although, as one who writes prose, I disagree that only poets have the power to change the world, *Wink* your passion for reform shines in this essay. Many of us feel deeply, but do we take the "one step" to make the world better? I am as guilty as those who feel nothing if I do not make the decision to act. As the band Rush claims in "Free Will": "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."

Thank you for the reminder to "walk the walk".

In gratitude,
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Review of The End Of Brucie  
Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I got a chuckle out of your story. My mom was attached to a shivering ankle-biter also. “Precious”, aka: “mean as a snake”, died of natural causes. In a completely separate incident I ran over my first husband’s old dog. I felt like a jerk for years, even though it was an accident.

I like your setup, showing the background of the family, and your confusion as to why you are the bad guy. I will never get the final image out of my mind—and I’m not sure if I want to laugh or cry about that.

Overall your technique, grammar, and spelling are fine. I believe the story could be tightened to improve the flow. The only concrete suggestion I have, however, is to read it aloud to determine where your punctuation should go. Some of the pauses are too long for a comma, and might need a semicolon or dash.

Here are two examples:

“…the two of them together, they were inseparable….” (…the two of them together; they were inseparable…)
“…and savage it, I have the scars….”
(…and savage it—I have the scars.…)

Overall this is a well-crafted short story. Thanks for reminding me…*Blush* ,well, thanks for a cute story anyway…

In gratitude,
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Review by KimChi
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello sarahwatkeys!

Since this is a flash piece, I think it is perfect. You set the scene, introduced the conflict, and resolved it. I did not notice any mechanical errors, except the sentence fragments, which actually add to the sense of melancholy.

Thank you for sharing a bittersweet and private memory with us. After reading this last night, I taught my daughter how to play checkers. So thank you too, for the reminder that life is short. I am sorry for your loss, and may your son’s memory be eternal.

In gratitude,
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Review of Fireside Story  
Review by KimChi
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello captainshadows!

You hooked me with your homey style right off the bat. (Although many would say an adverb is not the way to start your first sentence, I like the tone it sets.) You painted the scenery well, and the cautious determination of the traveler is clear. You build the reasoning for his compulsion, and then unveil it at the end.

Favorite image: “The wind screamed, battering at the pathetic walls of the hut, finding its way in and biting at Tom's flesh.”

Thanks for this great fireside story. I enjoy reading flash pieces; especially ones that illuminate the darkness this clearly.

In gratitude,
Kimchi
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Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.5)

This is my favorite of your poems. I love the details of what you should give for each anniversary, and then the collection of small momentos that comprise the ensemble. A wonderful slice of what could have been.

My favorite part may or may not have a typo:

“The laced I placed under the ivory vase, adorned with crystal tears”.

Just a beautiful image. Thank you for this sentimental poem.

In gratitude,
Kimchi
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