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Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello PENsive is Meemaw x 3! !

Since you were so kind to review my work, I snooped around in your port! I picked this to review because I like scrapbooking, and it is listed as "inspirational".

Please accept only those suggestions which might make your work stronger. I hope you find them useful during editing.

First Impressions:
This is skillfully written. Love the happy ending!

Formatting:
But there was one flaw:
Since you do not follow this immediately with a thought, but instead start a new paragraph, ellipses might be more appropriate.

I answered:

“Hello?”


Here again a blank line separates a sentence. It might be better to connect them and start the paragraph with "I answered".

Flow/Content:
It feels like we are having a chat over a cup of tea! Lovely flow.

Favorite line/s:
Miracles come in all sizes; this miracle, which may not seem significant in and of itself, was a huge, life-changing event for my family and me.

Overall:
It is amazing to me that the seemingly smallest things in our lives give us the will to go on, and to excel. Don't forget to give yourself credit for all your hard work! Thanks for an uplifting tale, and write on!


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Review of Ouija  
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Miranda Jones !

Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask! Understand this is only one person's opinion, so take only suggestions which will make your story stronger. I am always happy to re-rate if you decide to make changes.

First Impressions:
This is a creepy little story with a wise conclusion about the power of faith and suggestion.

Mechanics and Typos:
wont do
won't do

an exited April
an excited April

April, “So don’t
April, “so don’t

swallowed, “Right
swallowed, "right

creped my out
creeped me out

hadn’t know
hadn’t known

as effected by it
as affected by it

was quit a master
was quite a master

“no.”
"No."

Flow/Content:
On the whole this flows nicely. I have a few questions, however.

So, all those times I ignored the Ouija board it only made life worse.
I don't understand this sentence. It seems using the Ouija board actually made life worse.

I began to obsessively take it out
This seems out of place to the story, because the two girls have not yet begun to play with it. Perhaps it would fit better in the paragraph after the test where you talk about how it became an obsession.

Favorite line/s:
Its true power is the player. The participant is a tool.

Overall:
Most of the things I pointed out are minor, but more than a few typos are enough to detract the reader from the important part--the story itself.

You've told the story well, with good details and dialogue, and you wrapped it all up at the end with a moral. Good job! Keep writing!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review of Living Nightmares  
Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello kasesad !

Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask! I am always willing to re-rate if you decide to make changes.

First Impressions:
This made me very sad that a child should have to experience such evil.

Mechanics and Typos:
her other
her mother

asked him too
asked him to

had asked for
had asked for it {?}

out side
outside

said "Hello
said: "Hello

Flow/Content:
This should probably be separated into paragraphs. I suggest starting a new paragraph at "she knew in her heart", "she rolled over", and "Janie dozed off". However, it is really for you to decide which thoughts go together.

Also, it makes the text easier to read on a computer screen if you put a blank line between each paragraph, but a standard five space indent is fine also.

Favorite line/s:
As she prepared herself for what was to come a silent tear slid down her cheek.

Overall:
This is an entire story in a very few words. Just knowing what she is thinking is enough to realize what will come, and it seems very realistic to what a seven year old might feel about the situation.

Your last line summed it all up perfectly and gave your reason for the title. Well done. Keep the pen to the page!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review of Giggles  
Review by KimChi
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello Mandrz !

Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask! Understand that this is only one person's opinion, so take only that which will make your story stronger. I am always willing to re-rate if you decide to make changes.

First Impressions:
This is a short introduction, but enough to pique the reader's interest.

Mechanics:
It wasn't this heavy before, she thought, but it's alive now.
"It wasn't this heavy before," she thought, "but it's alive now."

It gives the reader a subtle clue if you use either quotation marks or italics for internal dialogue. Also the sentence before that says that Maxine never realized how heavy he was. One sentence or the other might be enough to show its weight.

soemthing
something

Flow/Content:
Both the flow and her actions proceed logically. I got a good sense of the girl's fear, and with just one laugh, I saw "its" insanity. Great emotional reactions in this piece!

it bared /He tore

The jump from "it" to "he" in the same paragraph seemed abrupt, and pulled me out of the story. If you want to switch to "he", I suggest doing so in a new paragraph, toward the end.

It also seemed out of place to go from "it" squealing with glee in a blood bath to blaming it on her parents in the next line. I don't read a lot of horror so I could be completely off base here.

Favorite line/s:
But she couldn't just sit there like that, wound up in her heavy blankets like a butterfly in its cocoon.

Excellent visual and foreshadowing at the same time! Well done! *Thumbsup*

Overall:
I no longer have to wonder why the name of a horror story is "Giggles". It certainly fits!

This is a good start to your story, but you could "flesh" it out a bit, and make it longer. The scene where you state it was a "long and painful process" for the girl could be made more...painful. You've told me, but I want to be shown. I've already seen her innards, so there is no harm in showing her writhing body or hearing her screams... *Smile* Sorry, that part kinda grossed me out--in a good way!

You have a good little evil character here...have fun and let him out to play, and the novel will write itself. I look forward to more creepy stuff from your port, so keep writing!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello GabriellaR45 !

I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. Keep in mind these are one person's suggestions. Please take those which will make your work stronger, and ignore the rest.

First Impressions:
And here I thought you only wrote beautiful poetry...

Typos:
and bold; His
and bold; his

railied against
railed against ?

Flow/Content:
This is a short memory, but packed with wonderful details. I love your economy of words here--each one chosen precisely. In six paragraphs you described the man, your relationship, and your reaction to it. Well done!

Favorite line/s:
Looking out from his frame, a conspicuously confident man still challenges me with defiant laughter while the details of his features begin to blur as the photo fades slightly with age.

This one line brought this man to life by the second sentence. It also brought back a swarm of memories of a similar experience in my own life.

Overall:
I see now that poetry helps develop skills that make prose even more beautiful. (I'm slow, but learning something new every day.) Thank you for the crash course in poetic phrasing, and write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello Fynanew !

I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. Keep in mind these are one person's suggestions. Please keep those which will make your work stronger, and ignore the rest.

First Impressions:
I read your entire book one sleepless night--I could not stop reading. I did not take the time to review it properly, so I will now. This review is for the first chapter.

Typos and Technicalities: I am unsure if these are in the story on purpose to show that she is writing quickly, so I'll point them out anyway.
chronicals = chronicles
recreae = recreate
Wonder if Washington = Wonders if Washington

Flow/Content:
Scattered, and a little frantic, but the protagonist seems to have her priorities in order. In other words, perfect for a post-apocolyptic world!

Favorite line/s:
God, it is nice to know that in spite of bombs and mayhem and the end of the world that my hormones still work.

Overall:
I love the mix of characters...from a kid to a dog to an elderly couple...who have been thrown together by fate. The pace is just right and it all flows smoothly. The first question that popped into my head was: "Why isn't this published?"

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Molly Jean !

I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. Keep in mind these are one person's suggestions. Please keep those which will make your work stronger, and ignore the rest.

First Impressions:
The second chapter is just as cool as the first.

Crits and Nits:
All of these are minor editing errors. I skipped the semicolon and comma issues for now, because I'm not firing on all cylinders. I'm pretty much a Metro at the moment.

At dinner, Georgia
This paragraph has eight sentences that start with "she". You might want to mix it up somewhat, or combine some. Or make two paragraphs. Or maybe even clip them down and emphasize them as a rhetorical device. Or none of the above...

properly,” “they’re
properly. "They're

The mini skirt and I
The mini skirt--and I

never by this
never buy this

on this years
on this year's

he was took her place
he was, took her place

occasionaly
occasionally

Flow/Content:
Always making excuses for her, her lack of social training, her off hand comments, her impulsiveness.
In one sentence you described two people. *Thumbsup*

Favorite line/s:
His eyes were the color of deep rich whiskey, and as intoxicated as she already was she felt it might be a good idea not to get herself too deep in them. *Blush*

Overall:
You just don't know how much fun I'm having reading this. Your characters seem real to me. Part of it is that I know some of these types of people, but more of it is that you give them weaknesses right off the bat. Great depth of characters.

The internal dialogue about clueless people is perfect for your heroine. There is wisdom behind her sass--even if she doesn't know where the ride is going. Love it.

Plus, to be blunt, that white shirt Chance is wearing has got to go... *Bigsmile*

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review of Passing Time  
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello pencilsoverpens !

You were the IRW Preferred Author of the month for April, and I owe you a review. Just a smidge behind...

First Impressions:
I love the repetition of the lines--it is something I do myself. The simplicity of the structure and words keeps the emphasis on your ideas.

Flow/Content:
This flows nicely from the general to the specific. Love that.

Favorite line/s:
You mess it here
And heal it there.
It doesn't matter.


Overall:
The conclusion seems to say that "elusive you" matters--which is someone important to you. The "elusive" gives me the feeling you are speaking of God, but I'm only guessing--which is what I love and hate about reviewing poetry!

An honest, concise poem, with feeling--well done.

But the real question that has been bugging me for a while now is: "Do you truly prefer pencils over pens?" *Bigsmile* The world is waiting...

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello HerestoGoodbye !

Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask! Most of the stuff I point out seems nitpicky, but presentation counts to a lot of people. I would be happy to read it again and re-rate if you decide to make changes.

First Impressions:
I love it when a day goes from awful to wonderful!

Mechanics:
These are mostly minor punctuation nits. The sentence fragments are fine because this is a casual journal.

highschool
high school

Davidson high.
Davidson High.

way I was
way. I was

seductive tone Which made
seductive tone, which made

locker is ” I replied
locker is," I replied
thought ‘ no your stronger
thought, 'no, you're stronger
(Use a comma to set apart dialogue from the rest of the sentence. You're = you + are)

but not to tall
nothing to interesting

too

“ Hey Me too ” I said happily.
"Hey, me too," I said happily.
your going...? cuz to tell
your going? 'Cuz to tell
“ well I’m
"Well, I'm
‘ thank god
'Thank God.
(Capitalize the beginning of each sentence. Capitalize names, including God.)

im
I'm

of his mouth. I laughed.
You may want to put the second line with the next paragraph where she is speaking.

name?” I inquired.
You can actually leave out some of the dialogue tags. The question mark is enough to show inquiry. Plus, you could use the next line to describe a body movement. Like...how was she feeling as she inquired? If she was a bit nervous, she might look down, or twist her hair, or blush. Or something.

Flow/Content:
Your dialogue is real, and the day flowed well. At least it got better as soon as she met Alister!

Favorite line/s:
Then anything that would keep me dry-ish. Not. Even. Plastic wrap.

Overall:
You have a few mechanical errors that inhibit an otherwise good story. The flow is good; the characters are real. I get the feeling there is boredom and rebellion, and maybe even romance. Nice job leaving the reader wanting more at the end. Write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review of Mother Eirith  
Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Shauul !

Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. I am sorry it took so long to get back to you.

You asked for a review, but I have to tell you--this chapter is more like an entire novel. Therefore, I will point out a few things, but I can't possibly edit it for you. Search for review forums. For a couple thousand gift points someone will be happy to nit and pick every missing comma. It also helps to add edit points if you have that option.

First Impressions:
I warned you that I have a sqeamish stomach, and I'm prejudiced against weird names. However, aside from some of the bone crunching and gore, I enjoyed the story! I love the way you vary the length of your sentences and the order of your clauses. You have some fantastic phrasing here, in every sense of the word.

Nits and Crits:
Many of your sentences run together and have little to no punctuation. This really needs a tight edit for clarity.

Night closed in, shadow replaced reality,
Night closed in; shadow replaced reality,
(Independent clauses can be joined with a semicolon.)

Baalanthull the city of bones
Baalanthull, the city of bones,
(Descriptive phrases can be contained with commas at each end.)

There are a few sentence fragments. In most cases these seem to be continuations of the previous line. For example:
His great bulk weighing as much as thirty heavily laden wagons if not more.

You could combine this with the previous sentence which describes his length. The most simple solution is to change "weighing" to "weighed".

true magic, his scales as black as deepest night, had hardened
As written, the impression is that "true magic had hardened", when the first clause is about his true magic, and the second describes his scales.

Suggest splitting this into two sentences, or:
"...true magic; his scales, as black as deepest night, had hardened...."

Flow/Content:
Five steaming mounds
Your first sentence is awesome--except that my mind immediately conjured an image of dung. I'm unsure if that was your intent, so I suggest a more overt clue that his dinner will be flesh. By the time I got to "mutilated" it became clear.

There are also several redundant statements. Some of these occur during action sequences, where you do not want the killing/maiming/running/attacking to be bogged down by description. Below are several examples.

by an audible utterance a muffled whimper plainly noticeable
by a muffled whimper
(A whimper is an audible utterance, and it is noticeable, or you would use the term "barely noticeable" or something similar.)

Two tiny hands
Tiny eyes No suggestion.

The dragon’s senses were finely honed by countless years of conflict.
The dragon slew in the most gruesome fashion any that crossed its path.
There are several times this idea is repeated. Also the words "lethal" and "deadly" are used frequently. Since you have described the dragon at the beginning--including his size, his defensive tactics and weapons, and his absolute triumph over other creatures--the idea becomes repetitive. This keeps the action from moving forward. Especially during the fight sequences, you want to keep the sentences leaner, with less description and smaller action words. For example:

With contempt, it pounced bone-crunching club swinging madly about its repulsive head seeking a quick and deadly end to the most hated of all troll enemies.
"With contempt" seems evident if you are trying to smack someone upside the head. If you've describe what the troll looks like, then "repulsive" is not needed. If you've described the club, then "heavy" should suffice. "End" is another word for "dead", so that isn't needed. We are left with something resembling the following sentence.

The troll pounced--swinging the heavy club madly about its head, seeking a quick end to the most hated of all enemies.

The body bursting force generated by the serrated and lethal serpent like tail cleared the battlefield as efficiently as a farmer’s sharpened scythe cleared ripened corn.

The serrated serpent-like tail cleared the battlefield as efficiently as a farmer's scythe cleared ripened corn.

I hope you can see how shorter sentences, more active verbs, and less description keeps the conflict going.

Next there are some phrases that seem unclear, or do not follow logically in sequence.
That night he stood victorious yet again as another moment of triumph passed him by. No suggestions.

Baalanthull the city of bones lay far to the north deep in the frozen abandoned wastes of the Harridion.

Is this the troll stronghold? If so, it may make this more clear to connect it with the previous sentence "...their homeland, Baalanthull, was a testament to their foul way of life. This "city of bones" lay far to the north...."

“What now great hunter?”

Willam broke the silence.


This seems backwards. If William is speaking first, then that sentence needs to go before the dialogue.

Okay, now we are on page 7 or so, when two men are on the Widow Maker. Almost every paragraph is one sentence long. Technically, a paragraph should be at least two sentences. As written, the point of view seems to shift back and forth between the wolf pack, the deer, and the hunters.

I suggest describing the dangerous terrain first. Then talk about stalking the deer, and the men noticing the wolves and climbing the tree. This way they can watch the entire event unfold from a good vantage point.

Finally, I have some questions regarding clarity.
1. When his wife speaks, it seemed as though he is talking to a ghost. This seemed abrupt and it could be made more clear that she has reanimated.
2. I don't completely understand how there was a baby dragon, and a baby human, and then the dragon disappeared into the baby. This should be explained.

This is where I stopped editing. I really think this could be split into several chapters.

Favorite line/s:
Pitiful weapons marked their demise as a mound of hair and hate was all that remained.

Overall:
Now, having completely torn your work apart, I had to admit that I enjoyed it. I don't read much fantasy, so to me, many of the concepts were fascinating. I especially liked the way the dragon communicated telepathically, and how it looked for evil in the couple and could not find it.

Many of your sentences are poetic, descriptive, and worded creatively. You have an expansive vocabulary and you aren't afraid to use it. If you concentrate on punctuation and making the action scenes more lean, this could easily be a five!

You have an original viewpoint, and a great story with well-developed characters. That is really all you need. The rest, as they say, is in the editing. I am always glad to re-rate when you have made substantial changes. If you would like more clarification, e-mail me anytime.

Keep writing!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review of Journal  
Review by KimChi
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hello beauty epidemic !

Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask! Remember these are only one reader's opinions!

First Impressions:
Vent all you want. There is always someone here who will understand. And, it is writing practice!

Mechanics:
Even though you are ranting...you made it public. Therefore, some people will rate your work based on basic spelling, grammar, and execution. I am one of those people. *Wink*

When you edit your work, you can spell check it on site. The button is to the right of and below the text box. At this time it will not give you the correct spelling, but it shows in bold red which words are spelled incorrectly. You can also use a word processing program. I couldn't even write my address without mine.

I have a few tips.

Give your piece a rating--perhaps ASR for the cursing. Capitalize the first letter of each sentence. Hit the space bar twice between sentences. Always capitalize "I".

And...take a deep breath. Tomorrow is a new day. *Bigsmile*

disater = disaster
hypocryte = hypocrite
exactally = exactly
suprise = surprise

Flow/Content:
As far as rants goes, this is a good one. It made total sense to me when you went from school to your dad. I am sorry you no longer have a father. I can't imagine how hard that would be. You have some beautiful memories of him.

Favorite line/s:
I hate that Im human. Humans are trashy and messy and loud and disgusting.
There are so many other things I could be. A tree, the wind, the grass, a lake. Things humans spend their lives destroying.


Overall:
I have no idea what you are going to do with your life, but I know you will figure it out. Someone who thinks so deeply on the human condition, as evidenced by the lines above, is bound to make an impact on others.

Keep writing, ranting, and venting. Sometimes putting the pen to the page helps put everything into perspective...

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Dennis Cardiff !

Thank you for entering the Rising Stars Shine Brighter contest for April.

Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


I actually smiled reading your biography of Jean Lafitte. Great rhyme and flow, and you tell the story well. I can't see any way to improve upon this!

My favorite line:
His death, like his life is a mystery;
one more question for books of history.


Thank you for the history lesson, and good luck in the contest. Write on!


In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review of Angel  
Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, lureeasygoer!

Thank you for entering the Rising Stars Shine Brighter contest for April.

Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


This is a lovely tribute, and Sherri is most deserving of it. She was one of the first people to welcome me to the site. I think there must actually be three of her, to give so many reviews!

You really have captured her spirit. This is my favorite line:
Your words mean so much
More than you’ll ever know


Thanks for using your talent to honor Sherri's dedication. Good luck in the contest, and write on!


In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Richard T. Clark !

This is an interesting poll. I had forgotten what the letters stood for, but the results seem in line with the personalities of many writers on site.

Also, thank you for the link to take the test. Fascinating to see how accurate this is, and it explains in detail why I feel conflicted or seem contradictory to others in some areas. Thanks for the poll!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review of Be My Eyes  
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, bkcompton!

Thank you for entering the Rising Stars Shine Brighter contest for April.

Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


What an absolute joy it was to read this work aloud! The answer is yes--I will be your eyes. I am a huge fan of the double entendre, and it works well in this poem. I had never considered the reader/writer relationship as one of love...until now.

The catacombs of my soul
breathe from your pink lungs,
as words tempt tongues.


Thank you for a lush poem with soul. Write on, and good luck in the contest.

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review of To Ask Why  
Review by KimChi
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello, DragonBlue !

Thank you for entering the Rising Stars Shine Brighter contest for April.

Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


This is a powerful story.

I have a few questions and suggestions which you may discard at your leisure.

D.O.s
Racking my brain here, and I cannot remember what this term means! District Officers? Detention Officers? Please forgive me. I have empty brain/full gallbladder syndrome.

Meskale Tequila
Is this the Spanish spelling? The only way I've seen it is "Mescal Tequila".

7 am
7 a.m.

There are many excellent lines, but this is my favorite:

They were breeding entire generations of despair, sadness and uneducated madness like a worm in the bottom of a Meskale Tequila bottle.

Under the prose you have written a poem which fleshes out the women--the icing atop these horrible layers of abuse of power. Write on, and good luck in the contest.


In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello LilyMom !

Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask!

These are my personal suggestions. I may be misunderstanding the connections, so ignore me if I've missed something.

First Impressions:
And here I thought my family was strange. A father-daughter hook up is way beyond the pale.

Mechanics:
last year since the last family do my
last year, since the last family do, my

Ann been
Ann has been

Flow/Content:
Oh, well. Maybe, this
This might be more clear in the past tense, since you begin the story from earlier in the day. "I thought, oh well, maybe this..." Otherwise the reader has to fight to build a timeline when she gets to "turns out".

Uncle Kenny is not Ann's uncle but her dad. Our mom? Uncle Ken?
Did Ann know that "Uncle Kenny" is her father through her research? Is she doing this to be malicious? Am I correct that "mom" had an affair with her husband's brother?

This might need more clarification. If the word limit is 500, you can make good use of the 92 to flesh this out a bit more.

Favorite line/s:
All I ever said was eating meat is barbaric. What's wrong with that?

Overall:
The narrator's voice sounds authentic. I get a clear picture of Ann, who seems like a trouble maker, and this makes sense if she was fatherless. I loved the ending; it was humorous and brought everything full circle.

Great job telling this through first person. Good luck in the contest, and keep writing!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review of Stories  
Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, ridinghood!


Please accept my review in the spirit of assistance in which it is offered, and as thanks for viewing my work. My poetry reviews are based on emotion, rather than technical knowledge.

First Impressions:
It is condensed, but also wise.

Crits and Nits:
n/a

Flow/Content:
I love the centering and the spacing on the page. It gives the impression of both being "centered" and also stretching out to embrace others. The repetition of the beginning and end lines bring this full circle.

Favorite line/s:
We shall learn how to be one another's salvation.

Overall:
A lovely and concise view of your cosmology. I especially enjoy the idea that God is the greatest storyteller, among Her other skills. *Wink*

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review of Lost  
Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello spook !

Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask!

First Impressions:
Great start! The background information isn't forced, but part of the story.

Mechanics:
360
Although it is obvious, you could put in "degrees".

Flow/Content:
I love the way you start off setting the scene with the weather, and the kid's memories. Great detail.

Favorite line/s:
Immediately, my senses are filled with the cloying, sickly sweet smell of honeysuckle on the vine, and the drone of hot, angry bees gathering nectar for their queen.

Overall:
I realize this is unfinished, but I just wanted to say what you have written is excellent. Please let me know when you add more--I'd love to read it. Keep writing!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review of White Houses  
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Jordan Langer !

Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, feel free to ask! Know that these are only one reader's opinions. Please accept those which will make your work stronger, and discard those formed of ignorance or stylistic preference.

First Impressions:
I like your style; romantic and descriptive of both setting and social mores-very Edith Wharton or Jane Austen.

Nits and Crits:
These are only minor suggestions in a truly magical story. They are presented in the order in which they appear.

I could very clearly see the child unwrapping her present, and her joy. However, she didn't actually pick the box up and take it into her room, so it was jarring when she opened it again.

on he the
on the

top of her head where
This phrase appears in the prior sentence and could be deleted without losing clarity.

Hardly a cloud ruffled the sky, besides the large, black automobile....
This sounds like the car is a cloud. Perhaps switch the phrase to make the "dust kicked up" the subject?

gaping into the pond and whistling
Gaping to me means that one's mouth is hanging open, in which case he could not also whistle. Perhaps "gazing"?

he peacefully began
You describe this particular scene in such gorgeous detail that an adverb isn't necessary. The peace is in the way he holds the notes, and the mourning references.

Because you have a large block of song lyrics, it may help to separate them with a blank line and/or put them in italics.

Flow/Content:
I love the romanticism of your long sentences. You choose your words precisely, and many of your phrases are pure poetry. Fabulous, meandering flow.

Favorite line/s:
Sunshine, held fugitive by the clouds’ white heavenly cellars, escaped its residence to display flags of blue in the sky, little gold fish in that nearby pond of early migrated swans, and the little lions prowling upon the grasses and the young man’s white collared shirt and brown tie....

Overall:
Your story was a refreshing change of style, and the ending made me sigh with both happiness and longing for the chivalry of innocent courtship. Thank you for bringing back the classics. Please write on. This was an absolute joy to read.

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello April Sunday !

I hope my honest review will be helpful. Then again, honesty is over-rated.

First Impressions:
Honestly, I was a bit offended. Hey--truth hurts--and there is a lot of truth here, under the satire. I stiffened the lip; and I'll live to review another day. I daresay you may be right about the joy of finding mistakes--the perverse pleasure of those who cannot do.

On the other hand if someone tells me for example that I wouldn't know a semicolon or comma if it landed in my coffee I just might need that kind of information to improve my writing. Maybe?

Crits and Nits:
Your work confused me. Nah--just kidding. Although it takes a while to get into the groove, you have your own, unique style. That is why you are funny. The flipside is that not everyone will take the time to dig for the gems you drop with more regularity than a Mozart lovin' free-range hen. *See? Not funny.*

Flow/Content:
Again, flow is a matter of style. As far as content this is a must-read.

Favorite line/s:
While your review conveys to authors and readers what's good in the item, what its about, reasons to read it. Unless the guy flinched your pickup, your dog and your wife, always try to promo authors.

Overall:
Your style and mine are like oil and water.
But the humor that permeates your work lifts the soul.

*Right* Merci,*Left*
Kimchi

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Review of Finding Your Muse  
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Prosperous Snow Creative !

I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. Keep in mind these are one person's suggestions. Blah, blah, you know the rest.

First Impressions:
I think I understand your theme, but I cannot shake the feeling that this very personal essay is too formal. I want to see your style, your flair, your muse. No offense, but this reads more like a textbook.

Crits and Nits:
find the muse = finding the muse
artic = arctic

Flow/Content:
There is good advice in your essay on how to find the muse. Personally? The formality of reviewing, for me, stifles the muse. Obviously, I keep her on a short leash--so thank you for pointing out how backwards that is. I'm untying her as I type.

Favorite line/s:
That is she can be anything from an olive tree on a windy day to a wolf stalking caribou across the artic tundra.

Overall:
The line above is you. I've seen your other work, and it is anything but stuffy. Forgetting that I rarely take my own advice, I'd like to see you break all the rules in this essay. Throw away the formality and display your muse in all her glory! Personal opinion only, of course.

May your muse lead you to worlds of unimagined beauty.

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review of In the Garden  
Review by KimChi
Rated: XGC | (3.5)
Hello wild_honeybee !

Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask! I am re-rating this per your request.

First Impressions:
You have this classified as erotica. I love the way you set the scene in the beautiful garden, but I think the erotic portion could have more description. Instead of simply stating that you climaxed, describe the waves of pleasure that ascended "throughout your body and mind".

Mechanics:
1. Use quotation marks show dialogue.
I want you baby and I want you now.
"I want you baby and I want you now."

You gave in and said let’s go
You gave in and said, "let's go....

2. Check for repeated words or concepts in the same sentence or paragraph.
got a job mowing
In the next sentence you say "grounds keeper", which encompasses far more than mowing, as you explain. "You worked for a lady who was in a nursing home" would be sufficient.

hot spot....were so hot.
Sorry, no suggestions.

Typos:
Though out my body
Throughout my body

over grown
overgrown

Flow/Content:
The fence, after un-barring it, was covered
This sentence is in passive voice. Is the fence important? Or are the flowers your focus? Consider something similar to my pathetic example below, which would also be a bit of foreshadowing.

We unlocked the fence. Honeysuckle and dormant morning glories snaked through the posts, creating a living border.

I think they were called American beauty.
If this is important, it should stay with the previous paragraph where you describe the roses.

Favorite line/s:
In the middle of the yard were over grown lilacs and the sweetest looking white rose bushes that I had seen in a long time.

Overall:
I love the scene you set for this romantic encounter. I know next to nothing about erotica, but from a reader's perspective, I suggest slowing down the action. Although it is a "quickie" due to circumstance, perhaps more description of skin and kissing.

All in all, this sounds like a wonderful memory. If it is true, you could even leave out the more base details and put it in your scrapbook for your grandkids to find after you are long gone. In other words, write it more like a romance novel. You'd be a legend! *Laugh* Keep writing!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review of Today  
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello remard !

Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. If you have questions about the site or my review, please feel free to ask!

First Impressions:
I am not bipolar, but there are moments when I cannot concentrate on one thing. You describe that feeling in great detail, and bring it to life.

Mechanics:
Keep in mind these are only one reader's suggestions. Ignore them if they intrude upon your style. With your indulgence, I would like to offer a few tips.

The site has a spell check feature. It is below the text box and to the right. If you have a word processing program--even better. Many will pick up grammar mistakes as well as misspellings.

To show a new paragraph, use a standard five space indent. For ease of reading on the computer screen, a blank line between paragraphs is preferred.

An apostrophe is needed for contractions and to show ownership.
cant = can't
drivers = driver's

Sentences with several clauses need more than a comma. My grammar is rusty, but I believe a semicolon may be needed to separate two independent clauses not joined by a conjunction. If there are several clauses after the conjunction, you still need one.

I was praying for relief from her, so I could rest, but now, as she sleeps contently in her crib, I feel alone

I was praying for relief from her, so I could rest; but now, as she sleeps contently in her crib, I feel alone.

Typos:
refelction = reflection
dissapiontment = dissappointment
BRUSh = BRUSH, brush, or brush
as If the = as if the
guily = guilt
mindgame = mind game

Flow/Content:
Your words and actions do a great job of showing that your mind is wandering, so conventional ellipses should work fine (three periods). I'm fond of them also, but the page does look busy with too many.

Favorite line/s:
I let go of all that consumed my mind before and I can feel God whispering to my spirit….a gentle, but firm nudge to go on…..the day has to go on…..

Overall:
This is a fascinating glimpse of how thoughts can cripple a person. I truly enjoyed the ending, as I know intense feelings for a child can pull you away from your pain. You go on, because you have to.

I would love to see others read this. With that in mind, please consider more standard punctuation, and a thorough edit. Otherwise, many people will not take the time to read it. Humans are lazy creatures, so you have to make it easier for us. Keep writing!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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Review by KimChi
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello Ravenwand, Rising Star! !

I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. Keep in mind these are one person's suggestions. Poetry is not my forte, so this review is more from my emotions than your technique.

First Impressions:
Well done! Thank you for introducing me to the alliterisen.

Crits and Nits:
N/A

Flow/Content:
This has a pulsing rhythm fitted to the theme.

Favorite line/s:
Woman’s womb, empowered, entombed

Overall:
"Smashing," I must say. I got to the last line and laughed out loud. You cleverly lead the reader to an unexpected conclusion. Write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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