This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
Excellent tale! I like the heroine and her friend a lot--both strong women. The past slips into the background where it belongs except for maybe the portion about freeing slaves, which you might consider condensing for flow.
You ended the story right where a chapter would fall. Hope you continue this one; I really want to see how the captain is used as bait.
Write on!
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
First Impressions:
A soothing read despite the sad subject matter.
My favorite line/s: Her eyes alight, she told me of a pearl
Which grew within her womb like precious seed.
We dreamed of chubby toes and ringlet curls
Our fam’ly portrait drawn as once decreed.
Final Thoughts:
As far as I can tell, the rhyme and meter roll perfectly toward the conclusion without a hitch. The envoi reinforces the theme nicely. Thanks for explaining the ballade form for us. Well done!
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
Please accept any suggestions which mesh with the blueprint of your work, and ignore the rest.
First Impressions:
That poor child, staying with Aunt Mean.
Suggestions:
Great job showing the personality of Aunt Jane--I cringed when she yelled at Theresa the first time.
With the internal thoughts at the beginning, I was thinking the child was very young--four or five, but you don't state it. If Theresa is older, perhaps add to her thoughts about the situation, like how she feels about Grandma being sick. Maybe add the show she's watching. Teletubbies is for a toddler, while Bratz might give the impression she's almost school age. Or a mention of the weather--if it's winter, we'd know she isn't old enough to go to school yet. Just a little clue might add some insight into her thought processes.
“Well, I’ve got to go . . .”
Not sure if this info is needed, since it looks like Dad goes with them two days later to Aunt Jane's house.
She sighed, it was
She sighed; it was
or
She sighed. It was
My favorite line/s: “Yeah, I know. All you brats are just alike! You always look with your fingers. Come on, lunch is ready.”
Final Thoughts:
Rye bread? Jeesh, next thing you know she'll be feeding the child liver and onions! Aunt Jane is a spinster from the nether regions, and you paint her character perfectly.
Love your user handle! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" I am a guest judge for the contest.
First Impression:
I would guess all that rhyming would make the poem sing-songy, but I would be wrong. Amazing job on the rhyme, which makes the poem flow along smoothly.
Suggestions: Love holds on like a bind that overpowers.
You've got the perfect place for a simile, but "bind" doesn't give a concrete image. I suggest a physical object with the attribute of "binding", although I can't think of anything at the moment besides a rubber band. Sorry.
The touch of your hand, they spoke sweet words
Who are they? Touch is a singular, neuter noun so if that is the subject I suggest "it spoke sweet words."
Favorite line/s: Thinking of nothing but the laugh on your face,
Even that disappears in a grey, falling haze.
I'm falling to pieces; I need you to catch them,
Overall:
The point of view is a heartbroken soul, which comes through clearly. Nice job.
Thank you for entering the "Invalid Item" contest. I am a guest judge this month.
First Impression:
I love the title and tag line; it sums up the poem nicely.
Suggestions:
The ending seemed abrupt to me. Maybe remove the exclamation point, which gives an idea of "happiness" when there is none. I think the last line might be more powerful with a simple period.
As always, just a suggestion.
Favorite line/s: I was much too innocent, too happy, too free.
everyone seemed much offended by me
dancing through life on a wisp of a breeze
some were determined to bring me to my knees.
Overall:
Excellent rhyming and rhythm! The poem flows exceptionally well; the pain underlying the matter of fact tone seeps through. Nice job!
This is a delight to read aloud; a lovely cadence provided by the form stops just short of being lilting. The internal rhyme accentuates each stanza's theme.
I can see a lot of work went into this. I especially like your twist on a common saying. Just the right mix of spirituality, metaphor, and folk wisdom combine to give this poem a comforting depth. Loved it!
Man, I can totally relate to your experiences. The town I grew up in is Baptist, U.SA. Some families still have qualifiers after their names--i.e.: the Jews (or worse, those Catholics!)
Your pacing is great--it flows logically toward the conclusion. I would suggest an edit at the paragraph level to make sure the tenses match, etc. As a personal essay, reading it aloud brings out the lovely rhetoricical patterns, so that might be helpful. I also really wanted to know what your parents said when they learned about your friendship.
Fave lines: I knew in my heart that people everywhere, being creations of God, were equal in their humanity, as well as in the level of respect that they deserve.
Glad to see an awardicon on this one--unfortunately, we (humans) still need to read it over and over until it sinks in. Thanks for using your gift to tell it like it is!
I hope you'll find something useful in one reader's suggestions. They're given in the spirit of encouragement, so let me know if I step on your style!
First Impressions:
Simply. Amazing.
Suggestions: "Okay. But if you did, what would be stopping you?
Think about breaking this dialogue and showing his face more as he's talking. This might be a good place to slip in a description of what he looks like, too.
It seems the tone is melodramatic, turns casual, and returns to drama at the end. I think it could be more even. This could be intention, in order to build to the last line, which, by the way, is a gut-clencher. So I wouldn't dare quote it.
Fave lines: Fishing off of the rotting dock early on our second-last morning, with the sun just beginning to dissipate the mist off the lake, I imagined snagging my line on something near the bottom,
Overall:
The pacing is nearly perfect, the description alive, and the emotions palpable. Outstanding piece.
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
First Impression:
Wow! From the beginning I was with this lady in her worry. I'd be just as paranoid about letting my kids swim if I had such a recurring dream. Love the ending! I wasn't sure where this was going until the last minute.
Suggestions:
The ending could be stretched out a bit more. I'm not sure if you are under word restrictions, but a line or two about her floundering in the water, unsure if she has made it in time, might increase the impact of the final prayer of thanksgiving.
Favorite line/s:
Great way to let the reader know the dream is coming true. (Although removing the second instance of "seem" might bring us more into the "now".)
Suddenly the bright sunlight seemed to waver and the scene she was viewing seemed to pulsate back and forth - toward her, then away again. She felt dizzy and was sure that she had been in this exact moment sometime before now.
Overall:
Thanks for underlining the impact of our dreams. I'm in the camp that believes they come for a good reason, and this write illustrates that power clearly.
Write on!
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
Suggestions: madness or, death.
madness, or death.
an innocent, child's pony
an innocent child's pony
(If "innocent" goes with pony, perhaps "innocuous" might fit better for an inanimate object.)
There's a nice flow here, interrupted only by this line: alone at dusk, barefooted, wearing shorts, in the fall,
It feels disjointed with all the commas. Depending on your intent, a rewording may be in order.
It's the little details which make this short story shine, including the way Tara painted her home in the colors of her childhood, and the description of Pixie culture:
Extra points are given for soul harvesting. Last year I made it to fifth place on the point tally sheet.
Cute write that holds the tension throughout. Nice job!
Write on!
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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I so rarely take time to review your work, but I do appreciate both your talent and your many contributions to WDC. Please accept any suggestions which might strengthen your work, and toss the rest.
First Impressions:
Deserving of the awardicon!
Suggestions:
I'm not sure how you could work it, but I really wanted to know how a two year old kept quiet since birth. Even a hazy image of cardboard puzzles or homemade blocks (or sign language or learning several languages?) would be enough to turn off the mommy mind and suspend my personal disbelief.
This actually brought to mind the border scene from the movie based on A Handmaid's Tale by Atwood--a similar mistake on a child's part. I love how you structured this--it felt like a movie panning from the society at large, to the family unit, and zooming to the individual.
Another great device is the foreshadowing of the remainder of the line (and story) with the various connotations of the word "goosed":
He stopped and looked behind him, started as if goosed, only to lower his eyes as the familiar uniforms of the soldiers walked by.
Overall:
There are a few places I'd want to use semicolons, and I'd say a parent wouldn't "almost" have pride in their eyes at such a wonderful gift... But, that isn't enough to mark down a story in which you can find something new with each read. The anguish and fear lie heavily on the fragile beauty of the human condition in this polished piece. Layers upon layers are the mark of a great storyteller. Exceedingly well done. Keep writing!
Fortunately, I've only been witness to one person expiring. I was too close to her to notice the beatific light of which you speak, but I know it is a common occurrence.
It is said that hearing is the last sense to leave. I have no doubt your words and actions gave that man a sense of comfort as he left for greener pastures. I can also see how that would be a privilege for both of you.
Favorite line/s: His whole countenance was brighter, and his frequent coughing had given him a welcomed respite. I was so happy for him I couldn't resist giving him a big hug.
Welcome to Writing.com! If you have questions about the site or my review, feel free to ask! Please know that I offer any suggestions in the spirit of assistance, but take only those which might make your work stronger.
First Impressions:
Adore the tone in this--the Victorian phrasing is perfect for a love letter.
Suggestions:
Edit this thoroughly for punctuation, which leads the reader like musical notes.
For example, this lovely line needs punctuation after music and me: I listen to my music every note sounds like you to me every line, every stanza, just inflaming my affection even more than it was beforehand.
It looks like your formatting did not transfer. You can click the box during editing which preserves your formatting, or just add a blank line between each paragraph. It's easier to read on the screen that way.
Overall:
I enjoyed your letter; it brought back a lot of similar ones I've written over the years. Keep writing!
Welcome to WDC! You asked for feedback on the opening section of your novel, so I thought I'd share a few thoughts with you.
I like the repetition of "Tuesday night"; it gives the piece a nice rhetorical flow that ties seemingly unrelated events together. How can you not feel sorry for Matty? He's obviously upset by something, shown through his shaking hands and tears-- probably Jordon's death. We just don't know who Jordon is, and why that affects him so deeply.
There's a great depth of emotion here, and some lovely turns of phrase that pull the reader into the midst of the chaos.
...watching Morley tear Jack apart like a carrion while blood flowed like a peaceful waterfall from the left side of his scalp.
I suggest paragraph breaks--it's difficult to follow with the text scrunched up. You may also wish to run this through spell check and check the punctuation. Good presentation leaves a good impression on the reader.
If you have any questions about the site or my review, just e-mail me. I like following a story through the editing process, and I'm happy to re-rate after substantial changes.
This is an interesting start to your novel--you jumped right into the conflict with the wine bottle to hook the reader. Good luck, and keep writing!
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
This is simply amazing. Past, present, and future collide in this poem--both a personal account and an image of a culture in healing. It asks the right questions and finds the right answers. In addition, the wordplay is excellent. I especially appreciated:
For I love how the dawn is turning the bland sand
into crystals of light, tinged in hyacinth hues.
Such hope for the human race, when it is so easy to feel despair and blame others.
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
This is a hopeful story, told mainly from the little boy's point of view. It flows nicely from anticipation to the Big Event, and ends on a humorous note.
I enjoyed the small details--the palm tree, the toilet scrubbing, and especially the big word that gave a little boy hope--"exhuberant".
The front door opened, letting sunshine into the massive foyer. Her heels clicked....
The woman has not yet entered, although we know who she is. I was expecting a noun instead of a pronoun to introduce her. "A/The woman's heels"? A minor thing, but enough to make me back up and read it again.
A young child's insecurity and longing for a family come through clearly in this piece. Thanks for the read--quite enjoyable.
First Impressions:
Great journey from technical writing to creative writing. Even if it takes a while, the buried urge to write must be uncovered.
Suggestions:
The tone is somewhat uneven. It starts out as technical, matter-of-fact writing and morphs into poetic prose. If this is a rhetorical device to show your evolution as a writer, it could be more clear. Otherwise, since this is autobiographical, you have leeway to make the first portion as eloquent as the ending.
My favorite line/s: Sprinkle those into the vast array of memories and chimerical fantasies that my muse helps me conjure, and you have a treasure trove of details just waiting to be plucked from the maelstrom in the sea of my imagination.
Overall:
I enjoy your professional style; it's easy to understand and follow. Not many people can write long sentences clearly, but you've mastered the flow. Guess it is all those tech manuals, huh?
You covered not only how you became a writer, but why you write and what inspires you. I enjoyed reading how the writing bug finally caught up with you, and can relate to it. The examples of feedback you've received and the comparison with public speaking also bring your ideas to life. Good luck in the contest.
First Impressions:
Deserving of the awardicon which graces this lovely piece.
Suggestions:
none
My favorite line/s: There were just too many handsome friends of my brother at the house. They would tell me a pretty girl shouldn't waste her time playing on a typewriter. I liked the boys, so I put the typewriter back in the closet.
Overall:
So glad you picked up that typewriter again! I like that you found a specific recollection around which to build your essay. It makes the piece visual and memorable. Congrats on finishing your novel!
First Impressions: Wow! This is one of the most eloquent short pieces I've seen on this site.
Suggestions: blood adorning a white jersey
Did you pick the verb for shock value? 'Cause it gave me a start. "Adorn" is not a word one normally sees with "blood".
My favorite line/s: Every time I cease my fingers, moments flash before my eyes: sunrises cutting shadows out of the darkness, muddy boots dripping onto just-cleaned linoleum, blood adorning a white jersey.
Overall:
This piece carries poetic visuals right into the reader's mind. You've described the art of writing exceedingly well. The only qualm I have is that you didn't answer the question: "How did you become a writer?"
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
First Impressions:
Fabulous! I love all the subtle nuances of synchronicity leading to a compelling and satisfying ending.
Suggestions: She didn't know it yet, but the stranger would change her life.
To me, this line and the teaser give away too much information. It feels like "telling", when you do such an incredible job of leading the reader to this conclusion for themselves.
My favorite line/s: Moments crept by before the surrounding murmurs and clanks of cups on saucers reached Jane's ears again. The electric hum in her head subsided, leaving ripples of serenity in its wake.
Final Thoughts:
Outstanding story showing not only superb command of the English language, but your unique style. The stacked details are just common enough to make the reader suspend disbelief.
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
First Impressions:
Excellent rhythm and rhyme, as well as a timeless and sweet subject matter.
Suggestions: A man you'll be and soon you'll learn
how to turn it inward until it burns.
Does "it" refer to freedom in this case, or being manly?
and you sing them out loud
without fear or restraint, for you know I am proud.
"For" makes the relationship causal, which tilts the motivation to parental approval rather than inner joy. Does he really sing out loud because he knows you are proud, or does he sing for the fun of it, and your pride is secondary?
Suggest: for/of which I am proud, which makes me so proud, or something similar
My favorite line/s: You amaze me as you create your tales
of pirates, knights and dragons with scales,
but my heart weeps as you tell other stories
of homeless people full of heartache and worries.
Final Thoughts:
Your son will cherish the poem one day-you paint him as a sweet and caring boy. The hope that he carries those qualities into adulthood is inspiring, as boys need to cultivate their inner knowing and compassion just as much as women. That is a powerful expression of culture all by itself.
Welcome to WDC! If you have any questions about the site or my review, I'm an email away!
I hope my honest review will be helpful to you. Please understand that I am only able to rate poetry from my feelings rather than any technical knowledge.
Such deep love in this poem; the pain and longing come through clearly. Great job with an authentic voice.
However, there are quite a few spelling mistakes. The site has a spell-check feature. As you are looking at your item in your port, instead of "edit", choose "spell" to the right side. Your mistakes will show in red!
Consider breaking this into stanzas. It might accent the lovely repetition of "I am yours forever".
My favorite lines: If I died I would come back as a spirit to be with you.
I'm yours from now to forever.
Thanks for reminding me of the intense feelings I had on my wedding day--under a cherry tree!
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
It is my pleasure to review your entry. Please accept those suggestions which resonate to your ideal of this work.
First Impressions:
Suggestions:
Opening line:
I find that there is a certain level of crazed fever which comes with the season of Valentine’s Day, especially within a small town, high school.
I like the authentic voice here. The first paragraph sets the structure for all the luscious descriptions to filter through the perspective of one average high school student. This lends credibility to her observations as well as her conclusions.
What do you think of condensing this and making it more active?
“I find that there is a certain level of crazed fever which comes with the season of Valentine’s Day, especially within a small town, high school.”
whom she knew and once she located one, walked
whom she knew, and, once she located one, walked (?)
The long sentences here combine in a lovely, fluid current, which I, personally, adore. The slower pace allows the main character's quips to unroll to the punch at the end of each paragraph. The comedic timing is impeccable.
However, style issues aside, attention to the mechanics will lead the reader while actually enhancing the rhetorical flow. Specifically, I suggest removing some adverbs and adding some punctuation. I’d be happy to give more detailed suggestions via e-mail.
My favorite line/s: The electrocuted frizzed hair of a punk goth with a glint of silver hanging from her lip was the first thing I noticed when walking into the cafeteria on lunch hour.
Final Thoughts:
Throughout this piece, the multi-layered description is masterful. Thanks for a highly entertaining read.
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
Thanks for entering!
I hope you find something useful in my review. Please accept those suggestions which might enhance your work. The rest can go in the circular file.
First Impressions:
This story is full of charming, vivid description and subtle emotion. Well done!
Suggestions: After a long moment, he did and left.
This sentence feels anti-climactic after the description of the chokehold. Consider removing “and left” for a sense of finality, and/or go the other way and add a few words about the exit.
She thought, how easily he
When internal thoughts are italicized, no dialogue tag is necessary.
hurting her. Yet, despite
A new paragraph may highlight the violence of the scene.
Maria’s fear is based on years of survival instinct—a normal reaction considering what she’s been through. While Maria leans into her husband’s arms as they watch the river, I didn't feel her relax in the slightest. Because of the couple’s history, I would expect a more gradual transition from terror and mistrust to contentment and hope. (Although I understand the difficulty of word limits.)
My favorite line/s: It ran fiercely, cresting over large rocks in a furious effort to escape downstream.
What a powerful image! The entire paragraph illustates a growing sense of dread. Rock that tension!
and
Sporadic blotches of white highlighted lovely birch trees that grew out and over the river banks.
Final Thoughts:
A rich and varied vocabulary provides eloquence and movement to this tale. I especially enjoyed watching majestic trees through the car window and hearing the water rushing "under the bridge", a clever, unstated metaphor. Thanks for showing the power of trust and forgiveness.
Good luck in the contest.
Write on!
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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Aunt Jane is a spinster from the nether regions, and you paint her character perfectly. 
Thank you for entering "
Sorry.
So I wouldn't dare quote it. 
Wow! This is one of the most eloquent short pieces I've seen on this site.
Yet, despite