A Simply Positive review for you. If you have questions about the site or my review, feel free to ask! Please know that I offer any suggestions in the spirit of assistance, but take only those which might make your work stronger.
First Impressions:
This is so cute! Cyber-Santa rocks!
Suggestions: a fast connection
You might want to specify--internet connection--for clarity.
employee’s. - employees
Mostly he did software and video games...he never talks
For consistency, you might want to use "does", since this is written in first person point of view.
The joke about Dad was - is?
I'm not sure if Dad isn't around anymore, or if the children are now grown and no one jokes about him as Santa. It seems strange to put Dad so far in the past when this clearly takes place in the 21st century.
she was careful not call him - missing word? not to call
Dad ruffled Jimmies hair - Jimmy's hair
Great job showing action instead of using a dialogue tag.
After a while, I started feeling really bad,
Why did he feel bad? I get the impression the speaker is younger than the 12-year-old, due to the ending, but this isn't clear.
I heard enough.
This feel anti-climactic after the line about Dad's eyes. Maybe stretch it out a bit to show how he believes? I think part of the problem is that the word count is right on top of it.
Shine: Actually, he didn’t deliver the presents; he had his elves do it for him because he didn’t leave the computer room unless he had to.
Overall:
You still have a few hundred words--why not flesh this out a bit more? I'd like to see Santa sitting at his computer, or see Jimmy jumping up and down when he says, "Moon sand!"
I feel the affection the main character has for his family, especially his dad. I know he loves his brother, even though it's his duty to fake apathy, shown in the line, "I don't know why." I can see him rolling his eyes.
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First Impressions:
Plot
Great job getting inside one character's head. So little happens, but each emotion is portrayed so thoroughly and realistically that we are willing to ride along to the shocking climax. Especially enjoyed the irony of "having no choice".
Mechanics focussing inward - focusing
Fave line/s The room is getting smaller; everyone in it is shrinking, their voices fading away. I don’t feel myself walk over to the cage. I’m detached from the whole scene, but I know that I have no choice either way; they’ve decided I’m going to do it and they’re bigger and stronger and older than me. No choice.
Overall:
Very well done. The probability of this having happened somewhere in the world is far more frightening than a ghost or an alien. Great job fitting in the prompt in a unique manner. Write on!
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First Impressions:
Horrifying. Plenty of description loaded with vivid details.
Plot
It's a simple plot, but the dramatic musings of an insane farmer carry it well to the foregone conclusion.
I especially liked how you show madness in the man's comments about feeling sorry for the horses. The cough from the demons was also a nice touch. At least he was sane enough to have a conscience.
Flow
The melodrama reminds me of Poe. (That's a compliment.) I would only ask you to use past perfect (had carved, etc.) sparingly.
Also, a few instances of "that" were not needed.
Mechanics
Thanks for editing your work to bring out the plot and themes.
Fave line/s God has called you to Heaven, Mildred, and you are not heeding His call. Such strange actions for a lifelong God-fearing woman.
Overall:
Great voice in this piece, showing a man's obsession with demons and "love" for his wife. Write on!
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First Impressions:
Way to twist that tale!
Plot/Flow
The only suggestion I have is move the third paragraph to the beginning. The cat would be able to see all the events unfolding, making for a smoother read.
Mechanics but he has to be strong - had
Appreciate your attention to grammar and punctuation!
Fave line/s He had hidden there on many of his previous escape attempts; he found it to be much easier to hide there than in the open fields where his movements could be heard.
Overall:
A cute and original take on the prompt. Write on!
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First Impressions:
I can see why Jason was scared! It was a matter of time--thirty long years.
Plot
I'm going back and forth between liking and disliking the prologue as epilogue. The final line feels right, yet the scene comes too late to give any new information. Just thought I'd let you know my conflicting feelings.
I'm still not sure I believe Lily's motivation for staying tethered to the earth plane. It seems as though she would forgive someone she loved so much, so that portion doesn't ring true. I think more background about their relationship prior to her death would give the reader more emotional satisfaction--like she had the right to her rage.
Now Jason--his guilt and fear jumps off the page. I can understand his point of view. I can even understand why he might be waiting for his punishment.
Flow
Insert the character's name as soon as possible. In this case, "His name was Jason" feels like an author's intrusion.
He now knew that his dead wife....
This tells the reader what they already know. I'd remove it.
The scenes flow logically, although the jumps in point of view between the cat and man might be more smooth.
When that changed, she couldn't say.
He winced....
When changing points of view, it is often useful to have the two parties interact in some physical way. Touching the same item, or at least looking at the same item helps to re-orient the reader from one person's eyes to the other person's eyes.
Mechanics just go." he pleaded. - go," he pleaded.
Fave line/s A passerby would have seen an astonishing sight at that moment: the transformation of a cat into a spectral woman. Her gown glowed like moonlight, her eyes flashed with malevolence, and a sneer cut across her face.
Overall:
Love how Lily gives Jason a heart attack--it's fitting and realistic. Lots of details remind us how Jason is feeling his age versus just telling us he's old. A well-drawn character--old enough to know better but too attached to life to "give up the ghost". Write on!
Wow! She really is a strong woman. I'm sure I'd be scared witless in such a circumstance.
I would like to have heard her explain how she's going to keep him from contacting her, and then hearing him squirm, realizing it's true. Not sure how to do that, maybe they had a mutual acquaintance skilled at exorcism?
Great story. I know how hard it is to write all dialogue. Write on!
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First Impressions:
A creative take on the prompt with a unique voice. I love seeing through the eyes of animals--especially when they are smarter than their humans.
Suggestions found me of no interest. I quickly found the open window and found myself
Repetition; no suggestions.
a flying lesson”. He muttered
a flying lesson,” he muttered
If this is not a dialogue tag, perhaps "he continued to mutter" would work better. The comma goes inside the quotation marks, followed by the dialogue tag. "I'm totally serious," I said.
the front down suddenly flew
the front door?
here.” The thicker one said
here,” the thicker one said
came; “what happened?”
came, “What happened?”
The big man enjoyed hearing her scream
This is a shift in point of view. How does the cat know he enjoyed her screams?
said simply; “shut up”.
said simply, “Shut up”.
“it’s party time
“It’s party time
down the hallway to the bedroom
Perhaps "toward the bedroom" might make this more clear, since one goes into the bedroom and the other does not. Also, there's no mention of the cat following the men--he's near the kitchen and presumably sees everything from the hallway until the end. I suggest moving the cat between scenes if possible.
Jennie had never been this terrified. Who was this man?
Another shift in POV, which feels out of place. I have no suggestions; it is very hard to switch points of view in a story this short and do it seamlessly.
olafactory deprived
olfactory-deprived
in th rear of the kitchen.
in the rear
still lie asleep.
still lay asleep.
Shine: With growing disappointment I recalled that humans are nearly blind and extremely olafactory deprived.
Overall:
The cat saved the day, and still remained invisible to Joe. That's a tragedy.
Great job showing the cat's personality with active verbs. Reminds me a bit of Stuie on the TV show "Family Guy". While the cat cares greatly for his "pets", it is all forgotten come chow time. A satisfying ending. Write on!
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First Impressions:
Spooky and realistic.
Suggestions
Early on the text states she had given up on feeling guilty about wishing Starletta ill, and then later she chides herself for doing exactly that. Not sure if this was an intentional juxtaposition, but thought I'd point it out.
I wish there were more about the brother who left. We can guess at the end that he didn't actually leave, but more about his odd behavior after the wedding might help cement the notion that all was not as it seemed in their marriage.
I like hearing the narrator's internal thoughts, but consider building up from a general unease to the death fantasies. Her thoughts about how she wants Starletta dead seem a bit scattered, but not enough to say she's mentally unbalanced.
No technical suggestions. Thank you for the excellent mechanics--this story was a joy to read.
Shine: A bitter retort would not penetrate the armour of this insanity. Starletta was no longer on the planet, she thought. She was delusional and trying to best her would serve no discernible purpose, sapping the little energy Eileen had left.
Overall:
The pacing is about right, except as noted above. I felt for the poor victim; it seems no good deed goes unpunished. Write on!
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
Wow. I like that you've explored the benefits and drawbacks to so many different kinds of love. Through passion and friendship to true knowledge of your own self, shown in the final lines with the mirror. Excellent!
Write on!
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
Excellent tension and description here: Then I noticed his eyes. The violet irises flashed oddly, which made me lean closer to be certain I’d seen it. Something grabbed hold of me from within.
Lots of unnecessary commas in this piece. The only other critique I have is the ending. The story starts with a woman telling the story of how her dream came true, but the ending suggests it was a dream. I felt a bit cheated at the switcheroo, but I have no suggestions on how you might keep the suspense otherwise. Just one opinion in a sea of readers.
Write on!
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
Nice job using the senses--the sight of her mother and the stranger, the smell of food cooking, and the butterflies in her stomach. Amy's relationship with her mother is depicted clearly. I especially liked the jokes about getting married--sweet and realistic.
Toward the end a stranger comes to the house. This scene is the crux of the matter, where the tension should hold. Perhaps condense this section, and/or use shorter sentences. Active verbs might help, like "snuck" instead of "so she got up out of her chair and moved closer to the door."
The ending is great--Amy's emotions show in her heart pounding, and the man's in his shaky voice. I sort of want to know how Amy felt about her mother's revelation, but I understand you picked the perfect spot to end the story.
Thanks for taking me back to cold childhood mornings and the sweet anticipation of birthday surprises.
Write on!
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
Fantastic imagery! I especially liked "singular as snowflakes".
Fave lines: Dragons in the clouds
Fashioned from iridescent mist
With sunbeam shrouds
Fantasy secretly kissed
I wasn't as keen on "fantasy secretly kissed" because it feels like a forced description. However, pantoums are incredibly difficult to write, and you did a great job with the form.
Write on!
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
Kind of frightening, and it makes me glad I don't live in FL. Thanks for including the magazine that inspired you.
Read aloud, this sounds like a conversation if one ignores the line breaks. The rhymes seem forced into the structure, and that detracts from the flow. My suggestion is to eliminate the rhyme which might give this piece more freedom to roam.
I especially liked the word play of the last line! Thanks for making us aware of this threat.
Write on!
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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Welcome to Writing.com! If you have questions about the site or my review, feel free to ask! Please know that I offer any suggestions in the spirit of assistance, but take only those which might make your work stronger.
First Impressions:
Good misdirection in the beginning--I was all set to hate Tony for being such a jerk to his wife!
Suggestions:
Check your formatting and punctuation. Only one blank line is needed between paragraphs.
"Oh well, here we go".
In dialogue the period (or comma if there's a dialogue tag) go inside the quotation marks.
"It can't be". He grumbled sleepily.
"It can't be," he grumbled sleepily.
This looks like a dialogue tag, which should be connected to the main sentence with a comma.
"Yes. He said that...."
Since the entire paragraph contains the speech of one person, remove all the quotation marks except at the beginning of the first sentence and end of the last.
firmly but gently and
firmly, but gently, and
(Comma before conjunction.) Punctuation helps the reader know which phrases go together. It is especially useful in mimicking natural speech patterns.
was laying in her basket,
was lying in her basket
Favorite line/s: Tony murmured as he sat up, propped his head on his hand, and reached for a cigarette. As the smoke billowed from his nose, he scratched his head. Great visual!
Overall:
I found the dialogue somewhat formal for a discussion about birth. But I'm guessing you are from England or another country which uses more formal speech, from the expression "ring the vet".
I enjoyed this story about the trials and tribulations of preparing for birth.
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
Suggestions: certainly not a dog as me and housebreaking a dog was a proven failure
Perhaps: certainly not a dog, as my attempts at housebreaking a dog were a proven failure.
toys and a big smile.
Since this is a list, consider emphasizing the smile.
toys--and a big smile.
You named the dog after me?
She says this twice.
she is giggling
she was giggling
Fave lines: "You always said that you were the one person who would not have a problem with ‘empty nest' syndrome, didn’t you?”
I did say that. But that was before my youngest ever thought about using those wings I’d given her.
I love your sense of humor, your ability to look back at the pain and laugh. This flows very well; the ending ties into the beginning nicely. And the picture of your cute ball of fluff is a nice touch.
Write on!
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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I enjoyed your cute story, and wanted to give you my impressions.
First of all, from the description, I thought Mirabelle was the bunny, until the word "girl". I'm not sure if that is purposeful misdirection. If it is not, then perhaps use the description to tease--leaving out the identity of the Monster.
Great descriptions of a little girl's irrational fear. It always amazes me to see a child's mind in action--the creativity that sees fairies flying from a carbonated drink (guilty!) also conjures monsters. Totally believable.
The only concrete suggestions regard punctuation. It looks like the dialogue tags need commas where you have periods. And there's a declarative sentence punctuated as a dialogue tag.
...you a present.” Daddy said.
...you a present,” Daddy said.
Fave lines: Mirabelle stared at her yellow dog slippers poking out from under the afghan. The dog’s tongue was frazzled at the end, red strings hanging in all directions. She grabbed one of the strings and ripped it off the slipper and threw it on the floor.
Vivid pictures and perfect pacing in this snippet of childhood.
Write on!
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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The sentiment shines through, especially with the imagery of the beating heart.
What I found unusual is that the ring came before falling in love. This could be explained more, or the verses re-ordered.
The only complete rhymes are preparing/pairing and daring/unsparing. My prejudice may be showing, but I'm a big believer in either keeping the rhyming consistent or writing free verse. This straddles both forms with the -ing suffix, and I'm not sure it works.
I like the hints of intimacy to come, with "giving back what I got"--the passion of the first kiss. It feels old fashioned and romantic to wait for "the gift". Thanks for reminding me of love's first, pink blush.
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
I like the form of this poem. It took me a minute to figure out why it is in the shape of a church. Birmingham, Birmingham--now I get it. You may wish to add a note at the bottom for non-American readers who may not get the connection.
Excellent imagery with the white gloves--a symbol of innocence and proper behavior to contrast with the "monstrous hate". Nicely done.
This may be free-flowing, but the repetition of "as I so often do" gives the poem a nice structure, allowing the reader a moment to stop and reflect with the speaker. What we consider simple realizations are often quite profound, and your last stanza illustrates that notion nicely.
My favorite lines: I remember,
as I often do,
how I've changed...
what I've left behind...
what I've accomplished...
and a joy rises in me.
Write on!
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
First Impressions:
Informative, heartwarming, and packed with imagery.
Suggestions: whether...in making them; the taste was
whether...in making them, the taste was
"Whether" makes the phrase conditional, so it cannot stand alone.
from my grand-father; the one that
grand-father, the one that
A semicolon joins two complete sentences, as above. Perhaps a dash would serve for emphasis if you want to be daring.
My favorite line/s: I raced into the rickety structure and more or less up-ended the bucket over myself, as one finger made a few cursory passes at the teeth. I held my breath and winced at the onslaught of cold water.
Final Thoughts:
Many of the phrases in this story are highly creative, including "splash and dash" and the title. You have a firm grasp on the English language which you use to paint vibrant pictures full of emotional detail. Your unique and endearing style shines in this story. The awardicon is well deserved.
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
First Impressions:
Love the plane metaphor.
Suggestions:
Loneliness and lonely in the same stanza. Can you find another word for one of them?
My favorite line/s: We don’t care about their stories, their desires.
Our cares, our worries, never crossed their minds.
We sit inches away. Skin meets skin, we move and say,
"sorry" for the careless touch. But still, we yearn
Final Thoughts:
I like the revised version better. The formatting of the last stanza carries the theme home. Compelling imagery with a message that hit me right in the heart.
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
First Impressions:
I'm haunted by the fate of that dog, too. Did you ever find out what happened to it?
Suggestions: I had a nice turkey roast
Yum! What did it smell like? This paragraph is telling, and all the sentences are about the same length. Perhaps move where you live to the first paragraph to set the scene.
Even with a true story, each word must count toward building tension and enhancing the emotion. Picking and choosing which details to add and which to leave out is hard. They're all important to you--you're the grandparent of well-behaved, inquisitive and caring kids!
However, a few things struck me as unnecessary detail. For one, the kids ages don't matter except that the youngest (11), loved the hot tub.
I like that the kids kept thinking every house was haunted, but it doesn't fit into your theme, which I interpreted as man (and dog) vs. nature. An easy way to fix that is to use the term "haunted" in relation to their fears about the dog drowning.
A quick example of how to free up words for other purposes when you have a word count: there were two men with dogs that were throwing sticks out into the River for the dogs to go after and bring back to them.
there were two men with dogs who were throwing sticks into the River for the dogs to retrieve.
My favorite line/s:
Nice foreshadowing: I explained to them that parts of The Columbia River are like a lake and that is why they had done their swimming, and that it is not so with the Skagit River.
Final Thoughts:
I liked the story; your pride and delight in those kids shine through. They'll remember such a fun trip, and the unintended lesson, for a long time.
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
First Impressions:
Eloquent descriptions of an era lost to corporate farms and video games.
Suggestions: Grass mowed in crooked swaths; ragged weeds drooped against headstones
Strictly speaking, as my father used to remind me, "grass don't mow itself." To get around a "be" verb and keep the phrases symmetrical, consider, "mown grass lay in crooked swaths" to mirror the adjective-noun-verb construction of the second clause. I know--picky, picky.
I see poetic license in other areas of this work that, well, work well. So I'm cool with the dropped subjects and sentence frags; they support the theme and tone.
The ending felt abrupt to me, mainly because the rest of the prose is packed from here to the horse barn with visuals. I like the rhetorical question, but I'm thinking a slightly longer setup revealing our current lifestyle might give the last line more contrast, and therefore, more emotional impact.
As always, only a suggestion.
My favorite line/s: Undaunted by the frenzied squawking and flapping wings, she zeroed in on her target. Amid flying feathers she would grab the bony feet, raising him high. Thus upended, the bird would give up its protests and hang motionless, as if resigned to its fate.
Final Thoughts:
Gosh, so many of my own memories you've brought back. I'd forgotten about True Story magazine and playing in the hayloft. But I can never forget the headless chicken dance. *shudder*
The evocative details provide the nostalgia. Nicely done.
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
First Impressions:
I like the smattering of Biblical ideas twisted into new phrases.
Suggestions:
The tense shifts between present and past. Usually, I'd say stick with past tense, but since this could be an on-going experience, present might help the reader fall into the ambiance of your poetic words.
While the words are beautiful, they are also abstract. I love the air filled with flowers and the dancing, which are concrete images, where "refreshing my innermost being" is open to interpretation. Still, the overall effect is soothing.
I would caution you to delete most of the instances of "begin to"--it is repetitive and probably not needed. "I dance" is stronger than "I begin to dance."
Also, each speaker gets his/her own paragraph.
My favorite line/s: He leads me down a path that has been laid for my feet alone.
Final Thoughts:
Lovely description of an encounter with God, showing a depth of emotion and faith too often glossed over in contemporary prose. Some call it purple; I call it inspirational.
Good luck in the contest.
Write on!
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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