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Public Reviews
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101
101
Review by KimChi
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, ⱲƹbⱲitϚћ MooseyingAbout !

This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece. *Bigsmile*

Suggestions:
madness or, death.
madness, or death.

an innocent, child's pony
an innocent child's pony
(If "innocent" goes with pony, perhaps "innocuous" might fit better for an inanimate object.)

There's a nice flow here, interrupted only by this line:
alone at dusk, barefooted, wearing shorts, in the fall,

It feels disjointed with all the commas. Depending on your intent, a rewording may be in order.

It's the little details which make this short story shine, including the way Tara painted her home in the colors of her childhood, and the description of Pixie culture:

Extra points are given for soul harvesting. Last year I made it to fifth place on the point tally sheet. *Laugh*

Cute write that holds the tension throughout. Nice job!

Write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi
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102
102
Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, kiyasama!

I so rarely take time to review your work, but I do appreciate both your talent and your many contributions to WDC. Please accept any suggestions which might strengthen your work, and toss the rest.

First Impressions:
Deserving of the awardicon!

Suggestions:
I'm not sure how you could work it, but I really wanted to know how a two year old kept quiet since birth. Even a hazy image of cardboard puzzles or homemade blocks (or sign language or learning several languages?) would be enough to turn off the mommy mind and suspend my personal disbelief. *Laugh*

This actually brought to mind the border scene from the movie based on A Handmaid's Tale by Atwood--a similar mistake on a child's part. I love how you structured this--it felt like a movie panning from the society at large, to the family unit, and zooming to the individual.

Another great device is the foreshadowing of the remainder of the line (and story) with the various connotations of the word "goosed":

*Star*He stopped and looked behind him, started as if goosed, only to lower his eyes as the familiar uniforms of the soldiers walked by. *Star*

Overall:
There are a few places I'd want to use semicolons, and I'd say a parent wouldn't "almost" have pride in their eyes at such a wonderful gift... But, that isn't enough to mark down a story in which you can find something new with each read. The anguish and fear lie heavily on the fragile beauty of the human condition in this polished piece. Layers upon layers are the mark of a great storyteller. Exceedingly well done. *Thumbsup* Keep writing!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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103
103
Review by KimChi
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, JudyB !

Fortunately, I've only been witness to one person expiring. I was too close to her to notice the beatific light of which you speak, but I know it is a common occurrence.

It is said that hearing is the last sense to leave. I have no doubt your words and actions gave that man a sense of comfort as he left for greener pastures. I can also see how that would be a privilege for both of you.

Favorite line/s:
His whole countenance was brighter, and his frequent coughing had given him a welcomed respite. I was so happy for him I couldn't resist giving him a big hug.

Keep writing, from the heart.

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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104
104
Review of Love Letter  
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello night beckham !

Welcome to Writing.com! If you have questions about the site or my review, feel free to ask! Please know that I offer any suggestions in the spirit of assistance, but take only those which might make your work stronger.

First Impressions:
Adore the tone in this--the Victorian phrasing is perfect for a love letter.

Suggestions:
Edit this thoroughly for punctuation, which leads the reader like musical notes.

For example, this lovely line needs punctuation after music and me:
I listen to my music every note sounds like you to me every line, every stanza, just inflaming my affection even more than it was beforehand.

It looks like your formatting did not transfer. You can click the box during editing which preserves your formatting, or just add a blank line between each paragraph. It's easier to read on the screen that way.

Overall:
I enjoyed your letter; it brought back a lot of similar ones I've written over the years. Keep writing!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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105
105
Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, Charles Evans !

Welcome to WDC! You asked for feedback on the opening section of your novel, so I thought I'd share a few thoughts with you.

I like the repetition of "Tuesday night"; it gives the piece a nice rhetorical flow that ties seemingly unrelated events together. How can you not feel sorry for Matty? He's obviously upset by something, shown through his shaking hands and tears-- probably Jordon's death. We just don't know who Jordon is, and why that affects him so deeply.

There's a great depth of emotion here, and some lovely turns of phrase that pull the reader into the midst of the chaos.

...watching Morley tear Jack apart like a carrion while blood flowed like a peaceful waterfall from the left side of his scalp.

I suggest paragraph breaks--it's difficult to follow with the text scrunched up. You may also wish to run this through spell check and check the punctuation. Good presentation leaves a good impression on the reader.

If you have any questions about the site or my review, just e-mail me. I like following a story through the editing process, and I'm happy to re-rate after substantial changes.

This is an interesting start to your novel--you jumped right into the conflict with the wine bottle to hook the reader. Good luck, and keep writing!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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106
106
Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, eyeslikeweathr !

This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece. *Bigsmile*

This personal account brought tears to my eyes. As far as structure goes, I wouldn't want you to change a word. It is heartfelt and raw. Even if you had not stated, it, your love for your mother despite her flaws comes through clearly, as well as your frustration.

The title is repeated several times throughout the piece, which is a great device to tie the theme to the description of your mother's physical and mental changes. "Drinking the light away." The phrase is so simple and yet holds worlds of meaning--just amazing.

However, there are quite a few typos. When mom and mother are titles, they should be capitalized.
Every home of moms is temporary
Every home of Mom's is temporary

Use commas to set off descriptive phrases.
Her skin once olive and smooth, is now yelllow and bloated.
Her skin, once olive and smooth, is now yellow and bloated.

When a quote is a complete sentence, the first word needs a capital letter.
When I thought "that's
When I thought, "That's

I found the following line insightful. It applies to many people who are unable to cope with life, not just alcoholics.
She is always feeling an emotion, there is always a problem, someone else always needs to change, the world is always against her. *Sad*

There is a sad power in your words. The rhetorical eloquence of the phrasing underscores the pain you feel. I'm sorry you have to go through this challenge, and I hope your mother finds the help she needs. *Heart*

Write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi
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107
107
Review of For I love  
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Joy !

This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece. *Bigsmile*

This is simply amazing. Past, present, and future collide in this poem--both a personal account and an image of a culture in healing. It asks the right questions and finds the right answers. In addition, the wordplay is excellent. I especially appreciated:

For I love how the dawn is turning the bland sand
into crystals of light, tinged in hyacinth hues.


Such hope for the human race, when it is so easy to feel despair and blame others.

Write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi
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108
108
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Dr M C Gupta !

I am a guest judge for:
 Invalid Item  []

by A Guest Visitor

Thanks for entering!

First Impressions:
This is exactly the type of write I was hoping to find in this contest. I love that you went beyond a single event and dug deep into your life, creating a mini-autobiography. You gave your past influences and your present motivations. Clearly, you've put a lot of effort into the entry and I bet you got a lot out of it, too.

Suggestions:
My brother was a great roughly equivalent to about ten dollars in those days influence....
Typo-wrong sentence.

those who right free verse
write

purpose for past 31 months
purpose for the past 31 months

Personal notes:
"The ball came off of the wall", or, "The book was laying on the shelf".
I share your pain at the deterioration of written English. However, I am guilty of both errors in my everyday speech. I would never write that way, but it is hard to change patterns established in infancy and reinforced by culture. (As you know, being fluent in four languages.) Grammar is patterned first, so I'm sure my child is doomed, too. *Blush* I think it is funny how we view this so differently--I think in English, and I can't turn it off. So if those examples were used in, say, dialogue between two teenagers, I'd find it perfectly acceptable. *Laugh*

It was my thoroughness in English that later saw me sail with ease through my medical studies and, later, law studies, since the education in both these fields is largely imparted in India in English.
I had not thought of this, although it makes perfect sense, as a former colony.

I have written about 1500 poems each in Hindi and English so far, over a span of five years.
Kudos on this amazing accomplishment!

Overall:
Love that you give credit to your family members individually, describing exactly how they influenced you toward writing, as well as listing your motivations. You should be proud of your accomplishments in the fields of medicine, law, and poetry. Your story is one of a modern Renaissance man, and a joy to read.

Good luck in the contest.

Write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi
109
109
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Dave !

I am a guest judge for:
 Invalid Item  []

by A Guest Visitor

Thanks for entering!

First Impressions:
Great journey from technical writing to creative writing. Even if it takes a while, the buried urge to write must be uncovered.

Suggestions:
The tone is somewhat uneven. It starts out as technical, matter-of-fact writing and morphs into poetic prose. If this is a rhetorical device to show your evolution as a writer, it could be more clear. Otherwise, since this is autobiographical, you have leeway to make the first portion as eloquent as the ending.

My favorite line/s:
Sprinkle those into the vast array of memories and chimerical fantasies that my muse helps me conjure, and you have a treasure trove of details just waiting to be plucked from the maelstrom in the sea of my imagination.

Overall:
I enjoy your professional style; it's easy to understand and follow. Not many people can write long sentences clearly, but you've mastered the flow. Guess it is all those tech manuals, huh?

You covered not only how you became a writer, but why you write and what inspires you. I enjoyed reading how the writing bug finally caught up with you, and can relate to it. The examples of feedback you've received and the comparison with public speaking also bring your ideas to life. Good luck in the contest.

Write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi


110
110
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, ⱲƹbⱲitϚћ MooseyingAbout !

I am a guest judge for:
 Invalid Item  []

by A Guest Visitor

Thanks for entering!

First Impressions:
Deserving of the awardicon which graces this lovely piece.

Suggestions:
none

My favorite line/s:
There were just too many handsome friends of my brother at the house. They would tell me a pretty girl shouldn't waste her time playing on a typewriter. I liked the boys, so I put the typewriter back in the closet.

Overall:
So glad you picked up that typewriter again! I like that you found a specific recollection around which to build your essay. It makes the piece visual and memorable. Congrats on finishing your novel!

Good luck in the contest.

Write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi


111
111
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, big mike !

I am a guest judge for:
 Invalid Item  []

by A Guest Visitor

Thanks for entering!

First Impressions:
*Shock* Wow! This is one of the most eloquent short pieces I've seen on this site.

Suggestions:
blood adorning a white jersey
Did you pick the verb for shock value? 'Cause it gave me a start. "Adorn" is not a word one normally sees with "blood". *Laugh*

My favorite line/s:
Every time I cease my fingers, moments flash before my eyes: sunrises cutting shadows out of the darkness, muddy boots dripping onto just-cleaned linoleum, blood adorning a white jersey.

Overall:
This piece carries poetic visuals right into the reader's mind. You've described the art of writing exceedingly well. The only qualm I have is that you didn't answer the question: "How did you become a writer?"

Congrats on the awardicon--well deserved!

Write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi


112
112
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, NickiD89 !

Thanks for entering April's contest:
Rising Stars Shining Brighter  [E]
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
by Tornado Day


First Impressions:
Fabulous! I love all the subtle nuances of synchronicity leading to a compelling and satisfying ending.

Suggestions:
She didn't know it yet, but the stranger would change her life.

To me, this line and the teaser give away too much information. It feels like "telling", when you do such an incredible job of leading the reader to this conclusion for themselves.

My favorite line/s:
Moments crept by before the surrounding murmurs and clanks of cups on saucers reached Jane's ears again. The electric hum in her head subsided, leaving ripples of serenity in its wake.

Final Thoughts:
Outstanding story showing not only superb command of the English language, but your unique style. The stacked details are just common enough to make the reader suspend disbelief.

Good luck in the contest.

Write on; shine on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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113
113
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, SWPoet !

Thanks for entering April's contest:
Rising Stars Shining Brighter  [E]
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
by Tornado Day


First Impressions:
Excellent rhythm and rhyme, as well as a timeless and sweet subject matter.

Suggestions:
A man you'll be and soon you'll learn
how to turn it inward until it burns.


Does "it" refer to freedom in this case, or being manly?

and you sing them out loud
without fear or restraint, for you know I am proud.


"For" makes the relationship causal, which tilts the motivation to parental approval rather than inner joy. Does he really sing out loud because he knows you are proud, or does he sing for the fun of it, and your pride is secondary?

Suggest: for/of which I am proud, which makes me so proud, or something similar


My favorite line/s:
You amaze me as you create your tales
of pirates, knights and dragons with scales,
but my heart weeps as you tell other stories
of homeless people full of heartache and worries.


Final Thoughts:
Your son will cherish the poem one day-you paint him as a sweet and caring boy. The hope that he carries those qualities into adulthood is inspiring, as boys need to cultivate their inner knowing and compassion just as much as women. That is a powerful expression of culture all by itself.

Write on; shine on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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114
114
Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, DragonBlue !

Thanks for entering April's contest:
Rising Stars Shining Brighter  [E]
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
by Tornado Day


First Impressions:
Powerful.

Suggestions:
None. Your unique style has peaked in this poem. The tone is calmly detached, yet the background anger is there, too.

I'm glad you put in the line about knowing the consequences, however.

My favorite line/s:
anger, fury and despair finally found a home
tenaciously surrounding him in a web like cone
torturing his spirit as he had done to us


Final Thoughts:
An acrostic is hard to write, and this one conforms to the first letter rule without feeling forced. Well done!

Write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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115
115
Review by KimChi
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello, Kathleen

For "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor a simple review for you, in gratitude for everything you do for the site!

Such a delicious item. Love the "kick" you put in this one--Nancy Sinatra would be proud!

My fave lines:
And, after you have signed your name on the red x'd line,
This kitchen table, drenched in tears, and chairs will be mine.


I can almost hear the melody here, and while I don't normally listen to country, if I heard these lyrics on the radio, I might start!

Keep writing!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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116
116
Review of Yours forever  
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello GrimReaper-WDC Angel Army !

Welcome to WDC! If you have any questions about the site or my review, I'm an email away!

I hope my honest review will be helpful to you. Please understand that I am only able to rate poetry from my feelings rather than any technical knowledge. *Smile*

Such deep love in this poem; the pain and longing come through clearly. Great job with an authentic voice. *Thumbsup*

However, there are quite a few spelling mistakes. The site has a spell-check feature. As you are looking at your item in your port, instead of "edit", choose "spell" to the right side. Your mistakes will show in red!

Consider breaking this into stanzas. It might accent the lovely repetition of "I am yours forever".

My favorite lines:
If I died I would come back as a spirit to be with you.
I'm yours from now to forever.
*Heart*

Thanks for reminding me of the intense feelings I had on my wedding day--under a cherry tree! *Laugh*

In gratitude,
Kimchi
117
117
Review of Nuinn  
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, DragonBlue !

Thanks for entering the March contest for Rising Stars:
Rising Stars Shining Brighter  [E]
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
by Tornado Day


First Impressions:
I love the voice in this piece. The mage speaks with authority and confidence, while never “talking down” to the listener. The rich imagery and subtle wordplay (like “courts and catches”) weave together to transport the reader to a place of magic and mystery. *Thumbsup*

Suggestions:
Where the ash tree is sacred in elegance it stands.
Consider punctuation to clarify this idea.
Where the ash tree is sacred; in elegance it stands.
Or :
Where the ash tree in sacred elegance stands.

panache
This word seems too modern for the historical feel of the poem.

My favorite line/s:
Deciduous tree with grey-brown bark
Furrowed with diamond patterns to spark
Reverence in all who have seen its power of deep light
As tree of the universe it’s the trilogy of life..


Overall:
It is always a pleasure to learn something reading a poem, and this paints a moving and accurate picture of Celtic culture and beliefs. The phrasing and style fit the theme, rolling along in a languid nod to the wisdom of the ancients. Well done!

Good luck in the contest.

Write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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118
118
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, A-shleigh Ride in the Snow !

Welcome to the March contest:
Rising Stars Shining Brighter  [E]
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
by Tornado Day


It is my pleasure to review your entry. Please accept those suggestions which resonate to your ideal of this work.

First Impressions:
*Laugh*

Suggestions:
Opening line:

I find that there is a certain level of crazed fever which comes with the season of Valentine’s Day, especially within a small town, high school.

I like the authentic voice here. The first paragraph sets the structure for all the luscious descriptions to filter through the perspective of one average high school student. This lends credibility to her observations as well as her conclusions. *Reading*

What do you think of condensing this and making it more active?
“I find that there is a certain level of crazed fever which comes with the season of Valentine’s Day, especially within a small town, high school.”

whom she knew and once she located one, walked
whom she knew, and, once she located one, walked (?)

The long sentences here combine in a lovely, fluid current, which I, personally, adore. *Heart* The slower pace allows the main character's quips to unroll to the punch at the end of each paragraph. The comedic timing is impeccable.

However, style issues aside, attention to the mechanics will lead the reader while actually enhancing the rhetorical flow. Specifically, I suggest removing some adverbs and adding some punctuation. I’d be happy to give more detailed suggestions via e-mail.

My favorite line/s:
The electrocuted frizzed hair of a punk goth with a glint of silver hanging from her lip was the first thing I noticed when walking into the cafeteria on lunch hour.

Final Thoughts:
Throughout this piece, the multi-layered description is masterful. *Thumbsup* Thanks for a highly entertaining read.

Good luck in the contest.

Write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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119
119
Review of Soar  
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, bkcompton!

Welcome to the March contest:
Rising Stars Shining Brighter  [E]
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
by Tornado Day


It is nice to see you entering the contest! Understand my poetry reviews come more from emotion than technique. I’m sure you can teach me a thing or eight.

First Impressions:
I’m not sure what form this is, but I can see the care taken in choosing each word. I especially enjoyed the repetition of “truth revealed”, and the switch from “last and believe” to “last and retrieve”.

Suggestions:
None.

Fave line/s:
Love the wordplay here. *Thumbsup*

Still stretching, grasping,
holding firm to terra,


Final Thoughts:
The earthly descriptions tether this poem just enough to help the last stanza soar in a powerful juxtaposition. Well done!

Good luck in the contest!

Write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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120
120
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Just an Ordinary Boo! !

Welcome to the March contest:
Rising Stars Shining Brighter  [E]
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
by Tornado Day


Thanks for entering!

First Impressions:
Appreciate the notes on the double etheree. The symmetry of the form accentuates the dichotomy here between memories and reality. Well done!

Suggestions:
I search for hint of you
I search for hints of you

It doesn’t change the syllable count and sounds more natural to my ears.

My favorite line/s:
Sure,
and soft,
sibilant
whispers of aid;
ventilated life.


Overall:
The alliteration of the first lines is an effective way to set the scene with the sound of life support. This is an all too (sur)real memory wrapped in pain, where hard decisions and regret lie barely concealed beneath your powerful words.

Good luck in the contest.

Write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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121
121
Review by KimChi
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, NickiD89 !

Welcome to the March contest:
Rising Stars Shining Brighter  [E]
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
by Tornado Day


Thanks for entering! Please accept any suggestions which resonate--only you have the blueprint for your work.

First Impressions:
This piece has a compelling start and a powerful ending. Well done! *Thumbsup*

Suggestions:
Consider beginning the story with the sense of smell to hook the reader even faster. This would require only switching the first two sentences:
Nina wrinkled her nose…. She pulled into…

She couldn’t wait.... passing through the lobby
Here, the scene switches abruptly. She was in her car, then the lobby, but never got out of the car. Normally each scene is in a different paragraph. The easiest fix is to couple her internal thoughts with movement (swing her legs onto the pavement, open the door, whatever).


Passive voice:
The pace builds steadily in this story to an ending with a big punch. A few areas might benefit from active voice.

Dani’s blunt sense of humor had never failed to lift her spirits.
If you remove the "had", the emphasis is on how the note lifted her spirits in the present while still showing the shared history.

She became aware of her own heart beat and found herself listening to it instead of the doctors’ voices.

This is an awesome detail showing Nina’s consternation and confusion. Think about using more active voice to flesh out the feeling.

For a horrible example: *Laugh*
Her racing heart filled her body; drowning out the doctor’s voices.

Tears began to fill her eyes.
Tears filled her eyes.

My favorite line/s:

Nina tossed the envelope
I love this whole paragraph. It sets the scene beautifully and the description of Nina dressing is a subtle clue to the forthcoming conflict. Fantastic!

She kicked off her shoes, then nudged them carefully with a stockinged toe until they were perfectly aligned under the entryway bench.

Final Thoughts:
I know this seems like a lot of suggestions, but the reality is—this is an awesome write! The main character’s personality shows through her actions and dialogue, giving the story a depth befitting the subject matter.

Good luck in the contest!
Write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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122
122
Review of Where I Belong  
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, ShiShad !

Thank you for entering November's contest.
Rising Stars Shining Brighter  [E]
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
by Tornado Day


I smiled at the first line, and then rode with you through the stress of class preparations. There are lessons upon lessons in this seemingly simple retelling.

For me, the rhythm wasn't quite there, and I stumbled over a few spots. As poetry is not my "thang", I won't give suggestions. Your style and mine are quite different!

My favorite line/s:
Your end line is perfect, but I also enjoyed:
Unknowingly, they banished all I had feared
as my heart sang to
music of their magical chords


I like the shifting emotions in this piece--a ride on your self-induced crazy train. *Laugh* Good luck in the contest, and teach on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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123
123
Review of Simply Better  
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello KatElulu !

Welcome to Writing.com! If you have questions about the site or my review, feel free to ask! Please know that I offer any suggestions in the spirit of assistance, but take only those which might make your work stronger.

First Impressions:
What a sweet and simple reminder of the beauty of nature and life!

Suggestions:
Consider finding a synonym for "simple". This might give your ending more impact:

The simple and beautiful wonders of her world. She, along with you and I, must simply and confidently, take it! *Thumbsup*

Favorite Lines:
*Star* The warmth of the sun, embraces her like a favorite blanket.*Star*

Overall:
I love the way you set the scene, and the rhetorical questions draw the reader into your world. Thanks for sunshine on this rainy day. *Bigsmile* Write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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124
124
Review by KimChi
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello tinsle !

I am reviewing your entry as guest judge for February's
 
SURVEY
Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest  (ASR)
Use the quote provided to write a story and win big prizes!
#1207944 by Writing.Com Support


Thanks for entering!

First Impressions:
While this took a while to get started, the comedic pacing is spot-on, and you came through with a memorable finish. *Thumbsup*

Suggestions:
Accept or discard according to your vision of this work.

I noticed several said-isms (assured Lisa, muttered Jay). There’s nothing wrong with “he said”. *Smile* If the characters have unique speech patterns or mannerisms, you don’t even need that—you can just have them “pass the salt” while they are talking.

Sometimes adverbs are a shortcut to the story in your head; uneasily, instantaneously, cautiously, edgily, etc. I like to slow the motions which show character and explore those, and cut the remainder. When it works, it can add smoothness to the story.

Favorite line/s:
“I’m glad you like my hair and I’d hear you even if I was in another state. Was there anything else you wanted to shout about?” *Laugh*

Overall:
The highlight of the story was the great dialogue between the boss and a nonchalant toast-munching Meghan. For such a brief appearance, she’s quite the character! Good luck in the contest, and write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

125
125
Review of Dos Equis  
Review by KimChi
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Jaye P. Marshall !

I am reviewing your entry as guest judge for February's "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest"   by Writing.Com Support

First Impressions:
A smooth ride from the intriguing creative title to the clinching line. Well done. I like that the comedy doesn’t overshadow the love story, told as much in the quirks of the present as in memories of the past.

Suggestions:
Please accept or discard according to your vision of this work.

This is easy to read, and the mechanics and structure are sound. *Thumbsup*

A few of the punctuation marks do not match their tags.
“Patrick…” she exclaimed
“Patrick!” she exclaimed.

“Yes?” She said hesitantly.
“Yes?” she asked hesitantly.

*Idea* Even better, remove some of the dialogue tags and show hesitation or excitement through action.

Some of the dialogue felt contrived for the benefit of filling the reader in on the backstory. I’m guessing the narrator has been hired to help with the books, so she would already know some of the information in the scene where they begin work.

Favorite line/s:
“Well, I can’t spend all day sitting around jawing with you women. I’ve got to take the car down for an oil change.”

Overall:
I enjoyed this work immensely--wonderfully three-dimensional characters--you can’t help but love them. I especially like the gesture of interlinking arms; you slipped it seamlessly between the dialogue. The banter and old jokes between lovers kept the mood lighthearted, although sadness runs underneath, giving this story a sentimental depth.

Good luck in the contest, and write on!

In gratitude,
Kimchi

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