Hello Shauul  !
Welcome to Writing.com! I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. I am sorry it took so long to get back to you.
You asked for a review, but I have to tell you--this chapter is more like an entire novel. Therefore, I will point out a few things, but I can't possibly edit it for you. Search for review forums. For a couple thousand gift points someone will be happy to nit and pick every missing comma. It also helps to add edit points if you have that option.
First Impressions:
I warned you that I have a sqeamish stomach, and I'm prejudiced against weird names. However, aside from some of the bone crunching and gore, I enjoyed the story! I love the way you vary the length of your sentences and the order of your clauses. You have some fantastic phrasing here, in every sense of the word.
Nits and Crits:
Many of your sentences run together and have little to no punctuation. This really needs a tight edit for clarity.
Night closed in, shadow replaced reality,
Night closed in; shadow replaced reality,
(Independent clauses can be joined with a semicolon.)
Baalanthull the city of bones
Baalanthull, the city of bones,
(Descriptive phrases can be contained with commas at each end.)
There are a few sentence fragments. In most cases these seem to be continuations of the previous line. For example:
His great bulk weighing as much as thirty heavily laden wagons if not more.
You could combine this with the previous sentence which describes his length. The most simple solution is to change "weighing" to "weighed".
true magic, his scales as black as deepest night, had hardened
As written, the impression is that "true magic had hardened", when the first clause is about his true magic, and the second describes his scales.
Suggest splitting this into two sentences, or:
"...true magic; his scales, as black as deepest night, had hardened...."
Flow/Content:
Five steaming mounds
Your first sentence is awesome--except that my mind immediately conjured an image of dung. I'm unsure if that was your intent, so I suggest a more overt clue that his dinner will be flesh. By the time I got to "mutilated" it became clear.
There are also several redundant statements. Some of these occur during action sequences, where you do not want the killing/maiming/running/attacking to be bogged down by description. Below are several examples.
by an audible utterance a muffled whimper plainly noticeable
by a muffled whimper
(A whimper is an audible utterance, and it is noticeable, or you would use the term "barely noticeable" or something similar.)
Two tiny hands
Tiny eyes No suggestion.
The dragon’s senses were finely honed by countless years of conflict.
The dragon slew in the most gruesome fashion any that crossed its path.
There are several times this idea is repeated. Also the words "lethal" and "deadly" are used frequently. Since you have described the dragon at the beginning--including his size, his defensive tactics and weapons, and his absolute triumph over other creatures--the idea becomes repetitive. This keeps the action from moving forward. Especially during the fight sequences, you want to keep the sentences leaner, with less description and smaller action words. For example:
With contempt, it pounced bone-crunching club swinging madly about its repulsive head seeking a quick and deadly end to the most hated of all troll enemies.
"With contempt" seems evident if you are trying to smack someone upside the head. If you've describe what the troll looks like, then "repulsive" is not needed. If you've described the club, then "heavy" should suffice. "End" is another word for "dead", so that isn't needed. We are left with something resembling the following sentence.
The troll pounced--swinging the heavy club madly about its head, seeking a quick end to the most hated of all enemies.
The body bursting force generated by the serrated and lethal serpent like tail cleared the battlefield as efficiently as a farmer’s sharpened scythe cleared ripened corn.
The serrated serpent-like tail cleared the battlefield as efficiently as a farmer's scythe cleared ripened corn.
I hope you can see how shorter sentences, more active verbs, and less description keeps the conflict going.
Next there are some phrases that seem unclear, or do not follow logically in sequence.
That night he stood victorious yet again as another moment of triumph passed him by. No suggestions.
Baalanthull the city of bones lay far to the north deep in the frozen abandoned wastes of the Harridion.
Is this the troll stronghold? If so, it may make this more clear to connect it with the previous sentence "...their homeland, Baalanthull, was a testament to their foul way of life. This "city of bones" lay far to the north...."
“What now great hunter?”
Willam broke the silence.
This seems backwards. If William is speaking first, then that sentence needs to go before the dialogue.
Okay, now we are on page 7 or so, when two men are on the Widow Maker. Almost every paragraph is one sentence long. Technically, a paragraph should be at least two sentences. As written, the point of view seems to shift back and forth between the wolf pack, the deer, and the hunters.
I suggest describing the dangerous terrain first. Then talk about stalking the deer, and the men noticing the wolves and climbing the tree. This way they can watch the entire event unfold from a good vantage point.
Finally, I have some questions regarding clarity.
1. When his wife speaks, it seemed as though he is talking to a ghost. This seemed abrupt and it could be made more clear that she has reanimated.
2. I don't completely understand how there was a baby dragon, and a baby human, and then the dragon disappeared into the baby. This should be explained.
This is where I stopped editing. I really think this could be split into several chapters.
Favorite line/s:
Pitiful weapons marked their demise as a mound of hair and hate was all that remained.
Overall:
Now, having completely torn your work apart, I had to admit that I enjoyed it. I don't read much fantasy, so to me, many of the concepts were fascinating. I especially liked the way the dragon communicated telepathically, and how it looked for evil in the couple and could not find it.
Many of your sentences are poetic, descriptive, and worded creatively. You have an expansive vocabulary and you aren't afraid to use it. If you concentrate on punctuation and making the action scenes more lean, this could easily be a five!
You have an original viewpoint, and a great story with well-developed characters. That is really all you need. The rest, as they say, is in the editing. I am always glad to re-rate when you have made substantial changes. If you would like more clarification, e-mail me anytime.
Keep writing!
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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