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Public Reviews
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26
26
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like the picture. Seeing a dozen or more perform at the same time is an incredible experience. The drums and chanting get my heart really pumping and my whole body fills with energy. I came to understand the power of a War Dance.

I lived in north eastern Oklahoma for years. Mostly in Muskogee, Wagoner and Tahlequah, but 10 years in Sequoiah State Park when my mother was catering manager at Western Hills Lodge. I graduated from Northeastern State University in Tahlequah, the Cherokee nation capitol. For years all I had were Native American friends. White killer and Hayes were the two biggest local families and they had a blood feud going in the older members that had been going on for a hundred years. An interesting time. One brother has lived in Nowata, 50 miles north east of Tulsa, for the last 50 years.

I lived with my grandparents for a year from 10 to 11 in Summerfield, south eastern Oklahoma near Poteau and attended a 1 room school for my 5th or 6th grade.

I have been to many Pow Wow’s and sweat lodge ceremonies.

Thank you for sharing that image.
Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a great place to hang out.
Paul
🌹🐸🙏🏼
27
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Review of Night Thoughts  
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

Hi,

I can not find anything that I think needs changing. Very good. A marvelous little bit of prose about love.

You caught me with “...her hand resting on my bony shoulder...” because that’s what my partner and I do. She rolls over against me and puts her arm across my chest and all of a sudden the world is okay again. It wakes me and I whisper, “Thank you.” and sometimes she’ll murmur “You’re Welcome,” but like in your words, I’m not sure she’s awake. She says it gives her comfort and she sleeps better. My wife of 45 years and I did that for all of those years before she died. Another found the emancipated bag-of-bones I’d become and convinced me I still had something worth saving and now she does that all the time. I love it.

“Life is a lot better when your with someone who loves you.”

Thank you again.
Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a wonderful place to hang out.Paul
🌹🐸🙏🏼


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
28
28
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,

That was beautiful, I’m still having trouble writing through the tears. All I can think about now is holding my wife’s hand and having to be drug away by my daughter. I kept saying, “But, she’s still warm.” She was 78 and I was 73. She’d been sick for a while and refused to admit it and an infection in her chest made it very hard to breathe. After me stopping everything, I owned a store, and staying home to try living for her for over a year I was sure she wouldn’t make it, but the reality hit me like a freight train. I’m convinced she finally just gave up fighting it.

Thank you for that wonderful story.

Stay safe and enjoy life.
Paul
🌹🐸🙏🏼


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
29
29
Review of Dad  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

What a wonderful piece to read. I never had a father and I’m always moved by stories like yours. What a wonderful thing to write about your Dad. Thank you for sharing it.

Stay safe and enjoy life.
Paul
🌹🐸🙏🏼


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
30
30
Review of Oil and Canvas  
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

I enjoyed it. It was well written and was captured by the first sentence. I wanted to know why he was struggling and out of breath. The next sentence explained that and added the question of why he was running.

Two things I noticed that might warrant another look. One was the line, “Well, I'm not stopping now, I said under my breath.” This is speech and I think it needs quotes around “ Well, I'm not stopping now,” the other was the line, "for at least five minutes." I’ve always been told the first word needs a capitol.

The story held together well Then the guards in the waking scene was a twist I didn’t expect. His reaction and the last line were spot on. It reminded me of a film I saw using Edward Munch’s painting, The Scream. A murderer tries to escape by going into what he thought was an idyllic scene, but winds up in the scream.

Thank you again for the story

Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a great place to hang out.
Paul
🌹🐸🙏🏼


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
31
31
Review of A Self Portrait  
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,

I enjoyed your story, it took me on a roller-coaster ride from the first paragraph where I decided I needed to know why an obvious dweller in current times would think a. Hand scribed and illustrated book written on vellum would have been hidden in an attic for centuries. I got no sense of place from the text and, being American, assumed the US. In England or Europe it would be possible.

My next thoughts were, “Wow, a redo of Wilde’s, A Picture Of Dorian Grey, then that it had been inverted and the picture stayed young while the artist aged. I had a bit of logical problem with him discovering the grey in his comb even though he obviously used a mirror. I vividly remember my first greys at 28 while combing my hair, I used a mirror too.

My thoughts at the end were they’d find a mistake in how he’d used the incantations, but your twist to the sisters caught me completely off guard. I loved that, it brought the tale to life in my mind. It brightened the story into a new thing for me, not just a retelling with a simple twist, but a whole new telling of the tale.

Thank you for sharing that with us.
Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a great place to hang out.
Paul
🐸🙏🏼


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
32
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Review of Waiting  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)

I love it!

I’m the same about lines and have very violent thoughts about people who jump in the fast-check line with a bunch more than stated. I have said things, usually to the checker in front of the offender which has prompted some spectacular responses. I stand and listen to them expend mega-Jules of energy then say, “Shut up, your a cheat, admit it.” Then I leave. I agree with your analysis of the counts. I’ve stood and listened to too many people in lines and I’d love to have slipped a bar of soap in a cart.

Paul
🌹🐸🙏🏼


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
33
33
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Miranda,

Thank you for sharing your words with us.

I like this piece about two friends and a coffee cake. You have a very good feeling for descriptive words. For instance, “ The emerging leaves of fall danced with such an air of grace one could imagine the swirling colors were dancers leaping through the air.” I can Feel this on a deep level, it’s beautiful. I would change the first “... danced ...” with “... floated ...” then add some wind like, “... grace in the blowing winds one ...” these are suggestions only and my in words, you should use your own for any changes.

In your first sentence the word ‘Decend’ includes the meaning ‘Down’ so it can be eliminated. I’d pull the whole phrase and make it, “It was a chilly morning October 24th and as early rays of light began to coat the inhabitants in a warm glow, the earth woke.” Again, my words as a suggestion only, use your words for any changes.

The last sentences in the paragraph were beautiful, I could see and feel what you described, but two things bothered me. You say, “... beauty only to be beheld by the earliest of risers and the stillest of animals.” I don’t understand the allusion to stillest animals and the “... to be beheld ...” should be just “beheld. Suggestions only again.

There is more I could say, but I’ll stop here and say, thank you for sharing. You have some abilities with words that are going to get you noticed.

Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a wonderful place to hang out.
Paul
🌹❤️😘🐸🙏🏼


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
34
34
Review of Complex Numbers  
for entry "The Edge of the World
Review by Paul
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

Well, I’d go with the confrontation between two groups; the Educated scientists that are saying the best method to reduce the COVID-19 infection rate is to wear masks, and the “Lesser Educated” trump followers who believe they’re all part of a conspiracy because the mask traps the bacteria you breath out and carbon dioxide.

Supposedly you re-inhale the same bacteria that you just exhaled and it makes you sick and the level of oxygen in your blood decreases because you’re concentrating the carbon dioxide. For some reason they’re incapable of rational thought about it. You just exhaled the bacteria, IT’S PART OF YOU, so how can taking it back in make you sick, and people are doing marathons wearing a mask and if you were worried about oxygen depletion in your blood the fact that none have died from doing it would alleviate the fear.

My take is it’s easier to mouth what you’ve heard than thinking for yourself. They sound like the stupidest people on planet earth.

Good fortune with your contest. I think Flat-Earthers are just another wing of the new Lesser-Educated political party that’s been created. I want nothing to do with a group who works at remaining ignorant. We’re all ignorant about somethings, I can’t think like Stephen Hawking, but I keep trying to understand more. Working at remaining ignorant is a good definition of “Stupidity.”

Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a wonderful place to hang out.
Paul
🌹🐸🙏🏼


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
35
35
Review of Paying the Bills  
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,

I have no criticisms for your poem, just praise. I love what you’ve written.

Physically I’ve gone from a power lifter in my 20’s to needing a walker to stand up because half my spine is fused. I stand like a crippled question mark. I’ll be 78 in a couple weeks and I can feel my mind losing a lot of what I once was.

What you depict terrifies me. All I have left is my mind and memories now and I share them with a wonderful partner, but I’m terrified that I’ll lose more and be a burden to her. I was married for 43 years to a woman that loved me until she died in 2015. I quit working and spent the last two years trying to live for her, but failed. Alzheimer’s and dementia ate her mind then her body.

What you wrote is beautiful even if it does frighten me to think about.

Thank you for sharing your words with us.
Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a wonderful place to hang out.
Paul
🌹🐸🙏🏼


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
36
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Review of Dear Friend  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (5.0)

Thank you, Lilli,

I appreciate your thoughts and comments more than I can express. Know that they are reciprocated in full measure.

This is a wonderful place to be. I appreciate everyone here, all of the comments and ideas I read, and all of the comments I get from those who read my words. I’ve learned as much about writing here as I have in any course or MOOC I’ve taken.

Thank you again. Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a wonderful place to hang out.
Paul
❤️🌹🐸🙏🏼


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
37
37
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi,

I can not find anything that needs changing or anything I’d recommend changing.

Thank you for this, I love it. It needs to be published

Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a wonderful place to hang out.
Paul
🐸🙏🏼



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
38
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Review of Attentive Care  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

I liked your story. It has a soft comforting feel when I read it.

There are a couple things I’ll mention. First, put more white space in the text, it makes it a much easier read. Also either indent each first paragraph line or put a blank line between them, again, it makes the reading a lot easier.

Also you could really tighten up the story by Telling less and Showing more. For instance the first paragraph rewritten to “Show” could be;

“Hazel thought she could hear sand grit scraping as she opened her eyes. Squinting eyes saw a heavy, wet snow falling outside the window to the right, the kind that stuck to your boots and turned into huge, clumsy ice feet that tripped you.” It’s only 44 vs 48 words and pulls the reader into her emotions by letting them add all the other details. These are my words and only a suggestion. It is your story and you should use your words.

There are other instances too, but this is an example.

Again, I enjoyed the story. Keep writing, this is a wonderful place to be. Very safe and many who will answer questions and help.

Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a wonderful place to hang out.

Paul
🙏🏼🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
39
39
Review of Celtic Design  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

That’s very good, being a Scott by birth I like the Celtic traditions. I only wear kilts too, I don’t even own a pair of long-sleeved diapers.

One thing I saw you might want to look at before closing time is the repetition of “...black space...” we already know he’s in black space. For me it interrupted the flow.

Just a thought I thought I’d pass on.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a wonderful place to hang out.
Paul
🙏🏼🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
40
40
Review of My Mother's Hands  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

Thank you for sharing your poem with us.

That touched me on a very deep level. In my mind you wrote about my mother. She’s been gone for 31 years, but I still expect her to walk around a corner and say, “Where have you been?” I lie at night sometimes staring into the black void and think about her and everything she did for me and taught me. She had very bad arthritis though and her very wrinkled hands were just knots on the ends of her arms for the last 8 or so years.

I found no technical problems.

Thank you very much for those words.

Paul


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
41
41
Review by Paul
In affiliation with Dreamweaver Bar & Grill  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi,

That was a wonderful little piece and being an avid stage actor for years and well over a hundred productions that pretty much happened to me when I played Bill Simpson, Gary Merrill’s part in All About Eve, my first stage play. The scene where the ingenue came on to Simpson was difficult, I adored my wife and it seemed wrong to me so it was always clunky until my wife took the young woman playing Eve aside and told her, “Just grab his face and lay one on him.” It startled me into stammering and backing away and the 30 or so people watching applauded, whistled, yelled approval and the director said, “Keep it exactly like that!” I learned how to not expect what I knew was coming from that scene.

I can’t find anything to criticize in it. It caught my mind and took me back to 1977 and doing that play. My wife, gone 5 years now after 45 together, flooded back in and I got to live there for a short time. Thank you so much for that.

Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s a wonderful place to hang out.

Paul
🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
42
42
Review of Are We There Yet?  
Review by Paul
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi,

I like your story, I’m a SF nutcase from when I forced my mother to read Oz to me until I learned to read in 1948. I was 6 and I’ve never stopped. Now I’m trying to learn the craft.

The concept is neat, and very sad. Pretty much a standard cryogenic-spaceship story, until the twist. You hid that well, leading my mind down the “two sexy women” path. The reveal was done well too. You didn’t let him get maudlin about it, it’s just what happened and Jacob’s obviously learned to deal with it. My guess is he knows he’ll die before they get there. If not he’ll be a doddering 89 year old.

A couple minor things. The first sentence doesn’t need the word “Contained,” it reads easier to me without it. I’ve been trained to eliminate unnecessary words. I still do it though.

Why “summarily” revived? There will have been many plans on how to revive a sleeping crew and passengers. Again, unnecessary, but it also throws a negative feeling over it, like they were prisoners being sent.

Also, your words, “..., just not like you thought.“ might covey a deeper reader connection with “..., lie you’d planned.” That brings all the preflight planning of the family and what they expected the outcome of the voyage to be like.

A very good little piece of flash-fiction. I love the format too, but I love dialog so most of mine are all, or mostly, that.

Thank you for sharing you story with us.

Stay safe and enjoy life.

Paul
🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
43
43
Review of The Old Man  
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

I enjoyed this a great deal. It brought tears to my eyes and made me wonder about other parts of “The Old Mans” story. Who was she? Did the children walking past remind him of his? What was significant about the necklace? I was struck by the kindness of the drug store clerk or owner too, he was a kind, gentle man. I wonder what he did with the old mans “Treasures.”

Thank you again.

Paul
🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
44
44
Review of June 14--Gun  
Review by Paul
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi,

I enjoyed this little moment in a life you describe. You pulled me into her world, all of the pain she suffered living in the doldrums for two years, then the glorious moment of success. For me it all takes place in a couple seconds in her mind.

I see the after story too, the hassle with the police. While they were ineffective because he had done nothing to her, she has definitely done something to him and will have to defend her actions. I think because of the history and that he has a gun in his hand she walks away free with her head held up, looking forward now, instead of fearful over the shoulder glances.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s a wonderful place to hang out.

Paul
🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
45
45
Review of The Bob  
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,

I enjoyed your story, it was quite funny. The allusions for names you used got to me. Indamiddle was good, but Getmore 6 made me laugh. A worry that had first place in my mind for over 60 years, but at 77 has dropped several notches.

The only thing I noted that ou mighat think about is your line, “...but those shiny-sparkly things...” which goes against known data. The stars do not sparkle in the vacuum of space. The sparkle is caused by our atmosphere.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s a wonderful place to hang out.

Paul
🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
46
46
Review of On A Park Bench  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

I liked that a lot. I’m still laughing at their conversation. Being 77 and needing new ears (I got programmable ones) I can relate to their verbiage.

I thought the interplay was great with each in their own little worlds and refusing to accept their situation. I can relate to that too being crippled too.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m still laughing at their back and forth. Very good putting that together.

Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s a wonderful place to hang out.

Paul
🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
47
47
Review of Visual Poetry  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,

That is very well done and expresses the site. It’s a site about words and all of those words tell part of its story. Mostly it’s the people who maintain it and I tell them that at every opportunity.

This is a beautiful way to show it. It might be well for them to want to use it.

Thank you for sharing your work with us. Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s a wonderful place to hang out.

Paul
🐸
48
48
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi,

I really enjoyed that. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Having been in the navy from 1959 to 1963 I knew several special forces and marines that shared some stories with me. You took me on a trip back through those memories in your setup of him. I believed every word of it.

Then the introduction of his wife and daughter was handled beautifully. A very smooth transition from his very rigid and dangerous persona to the loving husband and father. The way you used her to wrap a warm blanket around him to calm the savagery he’s holding.

Your last line was very good.

Thank you again. Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s a wonderful place to hang out.

Paul
🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
49
49
Review of Money Talks  
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

I like your story, it’s a neat scene to visualize and play with in my mind. I think making the cop female adds strength to it.

Your use of dialect is good, but you drop out of it often. The first line reads too educated, “Hey, ‘scuse me lady, this’s y’urs.” or something like that. The sentence where Albie tells her what his Pops said does the same. I also don’t think this street thug would ever say “...showcased the curves of a females legs.” it would be a lot cruder than that.

Where Albie tells her he’s Frankie’s currency carrier you start the sentence in good dialect then he says “currency courier” and again that strikes me as too educated, “Money runner,” maybe and the end says, “So, here, take this delivery, okay?” Again, not street talk.

I enjoyed your story, a cute little street vignette.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s a wonderful place to hang out.

Paul
🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
50
50
Review of Friendly Dark  
Review by Paul
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi,

I like your story. You take a very macabre scene and make it almost believable.

A couple small things, a typo where you say “...meatof...” needs a space. Also you italicize “meat”, is that your intent? I think emphasizing that word then pulls focus from your story. My opinion only.

When you use the phrase, “No. Why would I tell you anything?” Is the character reemphasizing the “No” or defining what he meant by saying it? If it’s simply restating it it’s fine, but if he’s trying to define it, which ads another level of contempt to his position with the cop, then “No, as in why would I tell *you* anything!” might play better. Italicize the “You” there to focus the contempt on the police chief. My opinion only again.

You say, “...blue eyes shooting holes..” and that threw me. My image was of the cop leaning over him with an unwavering, intense glare that would be “...boring...” holes through him, a slower, much more intense mood to draw on. Look up Auger too, a slow, ratcheting, agonizing way to cut a hole in someone.

You use an en-dash when you say, “...joy of their screams-“ and it should be an em-dash, double wide, “...their screams—“

I think your end would be stronger if you put the sentence, “I may have lied...etc” as the last sentence. You’ve built this marvelous scene to where he’s free, jumping around like spit on a hot griddle and shrieking, I don’t think he’d say “I may have...”. He’d use the words like a knife, stabbing the cop with them like, I screeched, “Surprise! I lied! He does kill!”

A very eat little story. Good work. Keep at it,

Thank you for sharing your work with us. Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s a wonderful place to hang out.

Paul🐸


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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