Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lasardaddy/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5
Review Requests: ON
245 Public Reviews Given
245 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 4 -5- ... Next
Review by Paul
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Pamela,

First I have to admit I read your piece because of your name, I'm Paul Gordon, both my parents are immigrant Scotts.

I enjoyed the piece, it made me want to know more about Jessica. My 37 year old grand daughter is named Jessica and she lives in Glasgow right now. It caught my attention even more.

Your main character is female and if her husband is dead she's a Widow, a Widower is a guy whose wife died. I'm a widower.

Your first line needs to be more powerful, it "Tells" and it really should show. Something like: Turning up her thick, fake fur collar did little to stop the knife like cut of the arctic blast, but this was something she had to do every year on this day. "Winters were our favorite times and the antique store on this day was our favorite," she thought, "I miss you so much, Paul." Make it more personal, give her more to pull the reader in. You need to make them cry for her.

Also don't tell us the music was Piped in, show us like: Glen Millers Sunrise Serenade brought feelings of loss that made her closed eyes wet swaying to it, dancing to a memory of arms no longer there as the music filled her soul.

"May I have this dance?" Is perfect, I love it.

This is a good start and could be built into a very good story about her. She obviously lost someone she loved and is still stumbling along trying to get past that loss. I have an intimate connection to the pain she feels, my wife of 43 years died 2 years ago. You get better at handling that loss over time if you work at it, but the memories never stop. I still wake hearing her voice some times, it's devastating and you should show that, but make it about recovery. I like positive endings.

Thank you for writing this, I appreciate the memories it evoked in me.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
Review by Paul
Rated: E | (4.0)
I carry an iPad all the time and whenever I'm still for long enough to get it up and my word precessor or Scrivener open I write. It may only be a few minutes, but sometimes it's an hour or more. Doctors office, restaurant, coffee shops, street benches, parks, essentially anywhere I can watch people or nature. I collect characters and scenes for stories, sometimes I just watch because people crack me up. I spend a lot of time on my porch watching the world pass by when it's warm, days into night at times.

One of my favorite times was A summer rain, clouds sweeping over dropping rain until a patch opened for sun, letting it show the diamond like sparkles before the first new drops started their 'Crater-Creation' on the surface of puddles again. It shifted between sun and rain eight times over two hours.
102 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 5 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lasardaddy/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5