I have six kids and I remember that pattern vividly so I started with believing she was talking to her son. I’m 78 now and many of the memories are fading away. The last year my wife of 45 years was alive she could remember me, I was there taking care of her, but she’d forgotten me getting on my knees to ask her, and most of our life together. An incredibly sad time for me.
His, “I’ll think about it,” response started me wondering then his referral to her as Sandy and the smile convinced me it wasn’t her son. Her thinking about his response caused a major shift in my belief and the last line hit me like a freight train. I started to cry and still am. One of my daughters and her family lives with me and insists on taking me for appointments. I truly don’t need it, yet, but it makes her feel good and I love her being with me.
That is one of the sweetest and saddest things I’ve read in years. You laid it out perfectly. I’m terrified of getting to that point.
I can find nothing technically out of place.
Thank you again for posting it.
Stay safe and enjoy life.
Paul
🌹🐸🙏🏼
I like the picture. Seeing a dozen or more perform at the same time is an incredible experience. The drums and chanting get my heart really pumping and my whole body fills with energy. I came to understand the power of a War Dance.
I lived in north eastern Oklahoma for years. Mostly in Muskogee, Wagoner and Tahlequah, but 10 years in Sequoiah State Park when my mother was catering manager at Western Hills Lodge. I graduated from Northeastern State University in Tahlequah, the Cherokee nation capitol. For years all I had were Native American friends. White killer and Hayes were the two biggest local families and they had a blood feud going in the older members that had been going on for a hundred years. An interesting time. One brother has lived in Nowata, 50 miles north east of Tulsa, for the last 50 years.
I lived with my grandparents for a year from 10 to 11 in Summerfield, south eastern Oklahoma near Poteau and attended a 1 room school for my 5th or 6th grade.
I have been to many Pow Wow’s and sweat lodge ceremonies.
Thank you for sharing that image.
Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a great place to hang out.
Paul
🌹🐸🙏🏼
Thank you for that poem. I was not offended, and in fact enjoyed it quite a bit, it expressed much of how I feel. I refer to “It” (I cant use any reference that would make “It” seem human) as The Orange Stain and we need a good scrubbing to get rid of it. It’s too bad there isn’t a Tide we could wash all of the republicans in to remove any transfer.
Thank you again.
Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a wonderful place to hang out.
Paul
🐸🙏🏼
Cute, but an easy thing to do. There isn't one I wouldn’t do, but my mothers been dead for twenty years and I don’t have any of her underwear, I’d have to borrow a pair from my girlfriend.
I’m 78 and designed computers for 35 years, but I’m also an actor with 90 stage productions and a couple movies and TV shows so costumes don’t bother me. I also ONLY wear kilts, utility for every day because my Modern Dress Gordon kilt cost me a thousand dollars. I don’t even own a pair of long-sleeved diapers and I’m not a traditionalist, I was born in Washington, D.C. and I wear underwear anyway.
I can not find anything that I think needs changing. Very good. A marvelous little bit of prose about love.
You caught me with “...her hand resting on my bony shoulder...” because that’s what my partner and I do. She rolls over against me and puts her arm across my chest and all of a sudden the world is okay again. It wakes me and I whisper, “Thank you.” and sometimes she’ll murmur “You’re Welcome,” but like in your words, I’m not sure she’s awake. She says it gives her comfort and she sleeps better. My wife of 45 years and I did that for all of those years before she died. Another found the emancipated bag-of-bones I’d become and convinced me I still had something worth saving and now she does that all the time. I love it.
“Life is a lot better when your with someone who loves you.”
Thank you again.
Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a wonderful place to hang out.Paul
🌹🐸🙏🏼
That was beautiful, I’m still having trouble writing through the tears. All I can think about now is holding my wife’s hand and having to be drug away by my daughter. I kept saying, “But, she’s still warm.” She was 78 and I was 73. She’d been sick for a while and refused to admit it and an infection in her chest made it very hard to breathe. After me stopping everything, I owned a store, and staying home to try living for her for over a year I was sure she wouldn’t make it, but the reality hit me like a freight train. I’m convinced she finally just gave up fighting it.
What a wonderful piece to read. I never had a father and I’m always moved by stories like yours. What a wonderful thing to write about your Dad. Thank you for sharing it.
With 6 kids, 17 grand kids and 5 great grands and being much like the grandfather you describe I’ve been on the receiving end of a thousand of those looks.
It was a well written anecdote and I can find nothing to comment on except to say, “Thank you for bringing those memories to the surface.“
I enjoyed it. It was well written and was captured by the first sentence. I wanted to know why he was struggling and out of breath. The next sentence explained that and added the question of why he was running.
Two things I noticed that might warrant another look. One was the line, “Well, I'm not stopping now, I said under my breath.” This is speech and I think it needs quotes around “ Well, I'm not stopping now,” the other was the line, "for at least five minutes." I’ve always been told the first word needs a capitol.
The story held together well Then the guards in the waking scene was a twist I didn’t expect. His reaction and the last line were spot on. It reminded me of a film I saw using Edward Munch’s painting, The Scream. A murderer tries to escape by going into what he thought was an idyllic scene, but winds up in the scream.
Thank you again for the story
Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a great place to hang out.
Paul
🌹🐸🙏🏼
I was encouraged to read by the second line with, “...feeling sorry for myself.” The Body Farm caught me next. I am familiar with how they work.
The line, “... Good talkin’ to you, and I hope you find Susan.” gave me a double take. That was a beautiful twist. I’ll probably copy that technique later. The other guy didn’t pick up on the fact he never mentioned her name. An addition of something where the farmer says he only comes to town to get what he can’t “out there” as a foreshadow would make the twist even more powerful. Maybe just a pause, “... once in awhile to... get things we can’t get out there.” The hesitation would be remembered by the reader or they’ll want to reread it to see if they missed a clue.
One thing that’s a mild irritation is the blue and red lines. It’s mildly confusing, I found myself skipping a line now and then because my eyes were looking for the same color.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a great place to hang out.
Paul
🐸🙏🏼
I enjoyed your story, it took me on a roller-coaster ride from the first paragraph where I decided I needed to know why an obvious dweller in current times would think a. Hand scribed and illustrated book written on vellum would have been hidden in an attic for centuries. I got no sense of place from the text and, being American, assumed the US. In England or Europe it would be possible.
My next thoughts were, “Wow, a redo of Wilde’s, A Picture Of Dorian Grey, then that it had been inverted and the picture stayed young while the artist aged. I had a bit of logical problem with him discovering the grey in his comb even though he obviously used a mirror. I vividly remember my first greys at 28 while combing my hair, I used a mirror too.
My thoughts at the end were they’d find a mistake in how he’d used the incantations, but your twist to the sisters caught me completely off guard. I loved that, it brought the tale to life in my mind. It brightened the story into a new thing for me, not just a retelling with a simple twist, but a whole new telling of the tale.
Thank you for sharing that with us.
Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a great place to hang out.
Paul
🐸🙏🏼
I’m the same about lines and have very violent thoughts about people who jump in the fast-check line with a bunch more than stated. I have said things, usually to the checker in front of the offender which has prompted some spectacular responses. I stand and listen to them expend mega-Jules of energy then say, “Shut up, your a cheat, admit it.” Then I leave. I agree with your analysis of the counts. I’ve stood and listened to too many people in lines and I’d love to have slipped a bar of soap in a cart.
Thank you for sharing your story with us.i loved it on the first read through and even more the second time. I think it’s the best description of why I’ve read so far, it explains everything. The wish is perfect, what an incredible power that is.
I think you give too much credit to the people though. I’ve said for years that the majority of Americans are so lazy they let other people think for them. Daemon Donald seems to be able to talk directly too them. All the major preachers too. They do not want to have to think. I’ve always put it around 55%, but I’ll go with the 35% that constitute his supporters.
Thank you for the story, I really liked it and it hit a good tone for me.
Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a great place to hang out.
Paul
🌹🐸🙏🏼
I’m so glad to finally find a place on here where I can say what I really think about what we’re living with, more accurately, without. I love Spike Lee’s take, “Agent Orange.” I call him the “Circus Peanut” because he was the same color as those absolutely disgusting (unless they’re a favorite of yours, in which case I can be reasoned with) orange, marshmallow peanuts. They weren’t quite as disgusting as him, I hope I didn’t make them feel bad with my comment.
I don’t think much of churches either, I’m a Taoist because I do not believe in deities and I love the philosophy. I respond with several questions Christians can’t answer every time I’m accosted by a proselytizer.
Thanks for the site. I love the yellow bike With a saddle too, What did it start life as?
Paul
Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a great place to hang out.
🌹🐸🙏🏼
I like this piece about two friends and a coffee cake. You have a very good feeling for descriptive words. For instance, “ The emerging leaves of fall danced with such an air of grace one could imagine the swirling colors were dancers leaping through the air.” I can Feel this on a deep level, it’s beautiful. I would change the first “... danced ...” with “... floated ...” then add some wind like, “... grace in the blowing winds one ...” these are suggestions only and my in words, you should use your own for any changes.
In your first sentence the word ‘Decend’ includes the meaning ‘Down’ so it can be eliminated. I’d pull the whole phrase and make it, “It was a chilly morning October 24th and as early rays of light began to coat the inhabitants in a warm glow, the earth woke.” Again, my words as a suggestion only, use your words for any changes.
The last sentences in the paragraph were beautiful, I could see and feel what you described, but two things bothered me. You say, “... beauty only to be beheld by the earliest of risers and the stillest of animals.” I don’t understand the allusion to stillest animals and the “... to be beheld ...” should be just “beheld. Suggestions only again.
There is more I could say, but I’ll stop here and say, thank you for sharing. You have some abilities with words that are going to get you noticed.
Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a wonderful place to hang out.
Paul
🌹❤️😘🐸🙏🏼
Well, I’d go with the confrontation between two groups; the Educated scientists that are saying the best method to reduce the COVID-19 infection rate is to wear masks, and the “Lesser Educated” trump followers who believe they’re all part of a conspiracy because the mask traps the bacteria you breath out and carbon dioxide.
Supposedly you re-inhale the same bacteria that you just exhaled and it makes you sick and the level of oxygen in your blood decreases because you’re concentrating the carbon dioxide. For some reason they’re incapable of rational thought about it. You just exhaled the bacteria, IT’S PART OF YOU, so how can taking it back in make you sick, and people are doing marathons wearing a mask and if you were worried about oxygen depletion in your blood the fact that none have died from doing it would alleviate the fear.
My take is it’s easier to mouth what you’ve heard than thinking for yourself. They sound like the stupidest people on planet earth.
Good fortune with your contest. I think Flat-Earthers are just another wing of the new Lesser-Educated political party that’s been created. I want nothing to do with a group who works at remaining ignorant. We’re all ignorant about somethings, I can’t think like Stephen Hawking, but I keep trying to understand more. Working at remaining ignorant is a good definition of “Stupidity.”
Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a wonderful place to hang out.
Paul
🌹🐸🙏🏼
I have no criticisms for your poem, just praise. I love what you’ve written.
Physically I’ve gone from a power lifter in my 20’s to needing a walker to stand up because half my spine is fused. I stand like a crippled question mark. I’ll be 78 in a couple weeks and I can feel my mind losing a lot of what I once was.
What you depict terrifies me. All I have left is my mind and memories now and I share them with a wonderful partner, but I’m terrified that I’ll lose more and be a burden to her. I was married for 43 years to a woman that loved me until she died in 2015. I quit working and spent the last two years trying to live for her, but failed. Alzheimer’s and dementia ate her mind then her body.
What you wrote is beautiful even if it does frighten me to think about.
Thank you for sharing your words with us.
Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a wonderful place to hang out.
Paul
🌹🐸🙏🏼
I appreciate your thoughts and comments more than I can express. Know that they are reciprocated in full measure.
This is a wonderful place to be. I appreciate everyone here, all of the comments and ideas I read, and all of the comments I get from those who read my words. I’ve learned as much about writing here as I have in any course or MOOC I’ve taken.
Thank you again. Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a wonderful place to hang out.
Paul
❤️🌹🐸🙏🏼
It mostly depends on how old you are when you’re told. You, At whatever age you are, would make totally different choices than me at 78. Most likely the need to be remembered in the way you want hasn’t been satisfied yet. For me I know how I’ll be remembered and it’s to late for me to make big changes to it. I’ve worked hard at that thought because of my grampa Bruce. Everyone liked him and that’s the place I’ve always wanted to be. Well, always since I figured it out. They had to move his funeral to the cemetery to accommodate the over 5,000 people that attended.
I don’t know everyone in town like he’d did though. (sigh)
I liked your story. It has a soft comforting feel when I read it.
There are a couple things I’ll mention. First, put more white space in the text, it makes it a much easier read. Also either indent each first paragraph line or put a blank line between them, again, it makes the reading a lot easier.
Also you could really tighten up the story by Telling less and Showing more. For instance the first paragraph rewritten to “Show” could be;
“Hazel thought she could hear sand grit scraping as she opened her eyes. Squinting eyes saw a heavy, wet snow falling outside the window to the right, the kind that stuck to your boots and turned into huge, clumsy ice feet that tripped you.” It’s only 44 vs 48 words and pulls the reader into her emotions by letting them add all the other details. These are my words and only a suggestion. It is your story and you should use your words.
There are other instances too, but this is an example.
Again, I enjoyed the story. Keep writing, this is a wonderful place to be. Very safe and many who will answer questions and help.
Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a wonderful place to hang out.
I like this piece, it gives a warm comfort to me that’s difficult to explain. It tells of the myriad of different stories to be heard in the garden of stones, if you’d only stop and listen.
The only comment I’d make is that breaking it into several paragraphs would make it a smoother read to me.
At, “...Lies so cold. (Paragraph) Those letters...” because it’s a shift in view. Also at! “...wings of angels. (Paragraph) Then the days...” because it’s a shift in view too.
I also think the last line as a single quoted line would add power to it.
These are my opinion only. Use them as you wish, it is your work, not mine.
Thank you again. I’ve reread it several times and enjoyed it. I’m an actor and I go into the theater early just to lie on the dark stage and listen to the ghosts. Every theater has at least one ghost. I’ve stood in grave yards listening too, touching the stones or putting my hands on the grave. Listening to whispers from the past is very calming too me.
Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a wonderful place to hang out.
Paul
🙏🏼🐸
That’s very good, being a Scott by birth I like the Celtic traditions. I only wear kilts too, I don’t even own a pair of long-sleeved diapers.
One thing I saw you might want to look at before closing time is the repetition of “...black space...” we already know he’s in black space. For me it interrupted the flow.
Just a thought I thought I’d pass on.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Stay safe and enjoy life, it’s still a wonderful place to hang out.
Paul
🙏🏼🐸
That touched me on a very deep level. In my mind you wrote about my mother. She’s been gone for 31 years, but I still expect her to walk around a corner and say, “Where have you been?” I lie at night sometimes staring into the black void and think about her and everything she did for me and taught me. She had very bad arthritis though and her very wrinkled hands were just knots on the ends of her arms for the last 8 or so years.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.34 seconds at 8:45pm on Dec 02, 2020 via server WEB2.
Awards
Badges
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Auto-Reward Items
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
