I saw this in the Spiritual Newsletter of 1/19/06. Congratulations on coming up with a truly original idea of one-winged angels that have to hold onto each other to fly. Yes, these are song lyrics!!!!! I hope you pursue making this a song!!!! I will be listening to my radio.
[We live in our little world of dreams,] - I would change it to "Each in our little world of dreams."
I read this from the Poetry Newsletter of 12/01/05. Congratulations on having almost two hundred r & r's on "One Step to Nowhere." I love this poem. It is one of the best I have ever read. You explore the idea of how do we get where we do in life so eloquently. I love your imagery, especially in the last stanza.
I do have a problem with how you only have a period at the end of each stanza. I think you could shorten the sentences, changing some of those commas to periods. Also, the last two lines are confusing: who awakens? The stranger or the speaker? And if it is the stranger, how can he continue the journey before he awakens? If it is the speaker, if he is sleeping, how will he even notice the stranger? You need to revise the last two lines a little.
I loved your poem . . . until the last line. But I will say the good stuff first.
I thought this was a beautiful, rambling yet pointed, gentle rant about questions and desires that many have. I love the words and can relate to most of what you wrote. I think most people can - that is the beauty of what you wrote. There is nothing I would change, except:
I just have no patience or sympathy for expressions of wishing for death. Suicide is incredibly selfish. Re-reading the poem, I was upset to realize that the note you wrote about, and being sorry for hurting someone, was probably about a suicide note. There are too many people who wanted to live, but they died. Healthy, young people take their lives for no good reason. I think the idea of being able to be happy after you die, and finally have control of your life is absolutely ludicrous. If life is just "a pile of s***," and you are not sure if you are even here at all, then you really don't know what life is about. There are people out there a lot worse off than many of those who committ suicide.
I went to read your profile before reviwing this poem. I was surprised and saddened to hear about your heart attack following the 2005 Writing.com Convention. If it will help, my Uncle Phil had a heart attack a few years ago, and he is doing excellently. I will pray for a speedy recovery for you, and I will put your name in our church bulletin if you have no objection. Please let me know when you are back on the site.
I saw this poem in the 12/01/05 Poetry Newsletter. I was astounded and amazed when I read that this is the top rated poem on Writing! How did you get over three hundred reviews? WOW!
On to the piece itself. The theme is horror genius. As a horror writer (amateur), I wish I had come up with the idea of shadows being alive! Is there any way you would give me permission to use this concept in a story? I would not incorporate any other aspects of your poem. Please let me know. Feel free to read some of my short horror stories: The Violinist, The Repo Man, Frozenheart, and The Truth About Cats.
There are a couple of flaws in this otherwise good poem. First, the speaker at first seems to be a human child, but later the speaker changes to being a shadow? Second, how can an insubstantial shadow rip off someone's head?
Very scary, very well-written. The Grays . . . padding on little feet . . . something lurks just out of the range of the flashlight . . . You set the mood perfectly with a minimum of words. Your opening sentence is superb. Big congratulations on your Halloween Masquerade Award. But even for a horror story, it is too violent for me. And I think the whole "mental asylum" setting is overdone. But watch me write my next story set in one; LOL!
This story would be perfect for an episode of the Andy Griffith show. It has the same consequences of disobeying your parents, and lesson learned at the end. Your description did not say "experience," but it reads as if it was really a childhood memory of yours.
However, most people who are not familiar with farm life really don't know the dangers of tractor rollover. A friend of mine's uncle died when his tractor rolled over. If you could work that awareness into the story, the boy's ride would be more than a funny predicament, it would really put the reader on the edge of their seat. Also, when the father shows up, be more descriptive. Say "his face was white; he was breathing hard."
I saw this in the Short Stories Newsletter of 11/09/05. I am usually not much for erotica or graphic sex scenes, but your story was well-written. I could sense the main character's change of heart and lesson learned. I could feel him becoming "comfortable" and "in tune" with her. It was cute when the kiss threw him for a loop.
I hope this was more than a fling.
[By the time I woke up, I had missed my last class of the day – which, thankfully, I could afford to miss – and figuring studying was a bust, I gathered my things to head home.] - This sentence is too long. Break it into two, thusly: By the time I woke up, I had missed my last class of the day – which, thankfully, I could afford to miss. Figuring studying was a bust, I gathered my things to head home.
[in need of their asses kicked] - should be in need of getting their asses kicked
I saw this story in the Short Stories Newsletter for 11/09/05. Congratulations on the Honorable Mention. Good story with a poignant ending.
The imagery in the first paragraph is excellent. You have set the tone for your story almost perfectly. But where is the neon coming from? It makes it seem like he is in a seedy motel, but apparently he is at home since he is going to work the next day (?) A little more description of his bedroom or home would help the reader.
He stood by the window watching people hurrying to work, the rain from the night before had continued into the morning. - Change comma to semi-colon or divide into two sentences.
‘Morning. You look rough,’ - Use full quotation marks for speech.
What is a "rota?" Please explain in the text.
de-odorant - Take out the hyphen
heaping two teaspoons of coffee - add the word "instant" before coffee.
[A middle aged man in a suit stopped by the window crouching beneath his umbrella and started eyeing up the washing machines.] - Revise as follows: A middle-aged man crouching beneath his umbrella started eyeing the washing machines.
[Actions and their consequences seemed somehow to be disconnecting.] - This sentence is so clever; I love it.
[A little light headed he shut them,] - Lightheaded is one word.
letting the sounds of the city wrap him up like a great blanket -Superb imagery. LOVE it.
Good love/ghost story. Great imagery. I could feel the chill of the sea fog and Anin's passion. The setting of Japan hooked me; I love Japanese culture.
"The wind, irritated, blew." - This sentence is very awkward. Please revise or eliminate.
"set forth to the next town" - should be "set out for"
"Yumi, is mine." - you don't need a comma in such a short sentence.
ill fated lovers - hyphenate ill-fated
like a babies skin - should be baby's
and waited, but no voice did he hear. - replacing the comma with a colon would add emphasis.
Superb, passionate. I loved every word (except "stand behind our President; in retrospect we know he LIED). I read this in the Spiritual Newsletter. Although this piece is four years old, it is just as relevant as the day you wrote it. "Leaving the armor of God at the church steps was particularly poignant.
I recently read in a book that if you make a Jesus cake on Christmas, you are considered a "religious zealot." That is the reason we Christians clam up and do not speak of our dear friend and brother Jesus. We do not want to be labeled a "Jesus Freak" or a religious zealot.
People are free to spout all kinds of blasphemy in public: your friend the UFO enthusiast is an example. If someone joins a cult, we are supposed to "respect their beliefs."
I have one brother who became a Jehovah's Witness, and in the space of a year has undergone a radical personality change and is not speaking with family members. My other brother does not believe in God - he believes all the wonders of Nature just evolved. I am sure he feels validated with the recent banning of Intelligent Design theory from the classroom.
This poem is sweet. I read it in the Spiritual Newsletter. Your trust in God is sweet. The poem really makes the reader wonder and get excited about God's plan for them.
In the first line, I would capitalize author. I would change "possibility" in the first line of the second stanza to "reality," for isn't possibility really also a "dream?"
This poem is excellent. I read it in the Spiritual Newsletter. I am absolutely in love with the second and third stanzas. Not only is it great writing, but it speaks to me and strengthens my faith. The metaphors in the first stanza are beautiful.
I think the second stanza is underdeveloped. Also, the poem as a whole could be even longer.
Your prayer-poem is beautiful.
It is hard for me to turn to the Lord when I am feeling despair. It is even harder to be thankful when things are not going my way. But the spiritual rewards are amazing, as you indicate. And if we get so bogged down in our own troubles, we can forget "another’s need."
Thank you again for this poem. I am sure I will be turning to it.
I hope you are planning on making this longer. It is a good combination between Mecha Anime (like Gundam Wing or Escaflowne) and medieval war fantasy like The Deed of Paksenarrion.
You describe the feelings of apprehension VERY WELL.
Is the last quality really noble? Hiding in a suit? A demon is bad; it is not noble.
This is a touching and beautiful fantasy story. You have a wonderful imagination. However, many sentences are long and need commas, and there are other writing mistakes that detract from this gorgeous tale.
Hypenate 'sun-dappled': into the sun dappled afternoon air
Ma told me that he was swallowed by sunlight and the sun would never give him up again. - Need a comma after "sunlight."
After that I hated the rays - Need a comma after "that" (prepositional phrase)
that would never go away - you need a comma after this prep. phrase as well
dragons eggs - should be dragons' eggs (indicate possession)
half formed - need to hyphenate: half-formed
the mountains heart - need an apostrophe to show possession: mountain's heart
He was as blue as a robin’s egg and white edged the spines on his back and wings as frost would a windowpane. - Divide this into two sentences: "He was as blue as a robin's egg. White edged . . ."
the summer had past - should be "passed"
strong smelling tea - need to hyphenate "strong-smelling"
I think your title description says it all. This poem is renewing to those who read it. It gives one the strength to keep trying, it provides hope. I also like that it is up to the reader to decide who is speaking in the poem. Ride with me makes me think of a handsome prince on a horse. Kind of Disney, I know, but hey - you're the one who put the rainbow in there!
Another good poem. By the way, what happened to the Sublime Without Rhymes forums? They disappeared from my favorites list. I e-mailed mod Love and Pixie, but neither responded.
I would hyphenate full of holes. Other than that, I like the story of what Jesus does for lost souls who seek him.
This is an excellent poem with excellent imagery. "Nicotine mandelas" is writing genius. The poem is so sensitive: did you or a friend or family member have personal experience with a still birth?
"time faded photo." - Need a hyphen: "time-faded photo."
"womb shine" - Again, I would hyphenate: "womb-shine."
This poem is hilarious! Being written by a man - and a man named "Harry" (hairy) - it is even more of a treat. As a woman, I so agree! I so agree!
"Women and their Hair" is perfect. How could I suggest anything to change this? The ending is a hoot - this poem makes me feel better about my hair problems.
Hey, how come you have two pieces in this newsletter? Lucky!!!
I like this story's theme of a haunted house. Great imagery; great similes. I liked how you turned the mushy holiday of Valentine's Day into an occaision for horror!
Your description has an error: "An old tale of horror spurs a young girls curiosity to enter a haunted house." - should be "young girl's curiosity."
"the number, 214" - You don't need a comma.
"Another gust of February-wind boomed into the doors and whisked across the porch stirring some leaves in a diabolical dance." - Need comma after "porch."
"She could see another door just beneath the stairwell and only a few short steps away from where she was." - Don't need "and." Unless you want to add dashes for emphasis, which I think would enhance the suspense: "just beneath the stairwell - and only a few short steps away . . ."
"Her courage ran out." - I think you should add "suddenly," as in "Her courage suddenly ran out," or "Her courage suddenly failed her."
"Now I am going to count back from five and when I snap my fingers you will wake and remember nothing." - Needs commas: "Now, I am going to count back from five, and when I snap my fingers, you will wake and remember nothing."
I kind of feel this piece is underdeveloped, and I am not sure if I get it. Snap at the end - is that her neck being broken?
This story gets a five on content and descriptive imagery. I rated it a little lower because of some missing punctuation that interfered with the flow of the story and my enjoyment of reading it.
"reader's more familiar" should be "readers"
"Desperate is he that lives in a dream but cannot wake. Terrified is he who wanders a synaptic wasteland of surreal shadows and landscapes of lunacy." - What great writing & imagery! I was hooked from this opening line.
burnt out should be burnt-out
It is cold here, cold as the grave, the kind of cold that freezes your soul, and lonely, so lonely; the loneliness of all things forgotten. - This sentence runs on and is awkward. It needs to be broken up into two sentences, and it needs more punctuation. How about revising it thusly?: It is cold here - cold as the grave. The kind of cold that freezes your soul - and lonely - so lonely; the loneliness of forgotten things.
Memories that invade my thoughts from the other side however, - need an extra comma after "side".
and a few, only in symbols. - You don't need the comma.
broad shouldered and narrow hipped. - Need hyphens: "broad-shouldered and narrow-hipped."
very sleek, lithe like a serpent. - change to "very sleek - lithe - like a serpent."
hell - capitalize hell, or write "hell-hound."
"I gather up every last vestige of dying strength I have left and with one last titanic effort I close the gap and launch myself headfirst at the glass." - Should be: "I gather up every last vestige of dying strength I have left, and with one last titanic effort, I close the gap . . ."
Good story. Reading it, I felt so cold! I am so dumb, I believed Robby's story about the mouthwash that made him smell like he had been drinking! This was realistically written. The way Robby treated Gabe, and how his alcoholism destroyed his marriage was painful to read.
This word, "enwraps," should be either "enfolds" or "wraps."
"The roads are a deathtrap.” - Should be "The roads are deathtraps."
I would change this: “You don’t listen to your mother!" I would add, "You don't listen to your mother over me!"
If you are going to have Gabe kill his father at the end, he should be older than a toddler. I don't feel a toddler could wield a shovel with the skill to kill a grown man, no matter how hungover or grieving the man was.
Good story! I like the theme of Halloween in Ireland, as that is where the custom of putting lanterns in gourds originated.
Your story needs some commas. I added them: "I sat there and watched as it advanced, feeling the hair stand up on the back of my neck and arms. . . In fact, it was quite extraordinary.
You don't need "old" in this sentence: "some secret sect of old Druids." Druids, by their very nature, connote ancientness. So, the use of old is redundant.
These sentences feel awkward: "It felt heavy in my hands and I perceived that the cover was not made of anything known to me. It unmistakably was not leather." How about revising it thusly? "It felt heavy in my hands. Running my fingers lightly over the cover, I could see it was not leather - nor any material I knew."
Need a colon - "There were hundreds of them: men, women, and children."
"I would never be without them again." What is "them?" Put a noun instead of a pronoun.
I got a chill from this poem. I am so sorry you were abused/anorexic. You are amazing on this emotional level. You really connect with the reader.
On a technical level, if you improve it you can connect even more. For example, "Yet nobody knew
That her eye's told a story." Even though the stanza and most of the poem is in the present, here the verbs are past tense. It would be improved this way: "Yet nobody knows; That her eyes tell a story."
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lotusneko/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/9
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 4:14pm on Jul 15, 2025 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
