I saw this in the Short Stories Newsletter of 12/22/05. Congratulations on being featured.
A beautiful and wise story. It really seemed like an ancient Greek myth.
[With skill he weaves the simplest of words, with the greatest delicacy, into fables and legends and tales that, once told, will spring from village to town the world over and never lose its heart.] - This sentence is very awkward and fragmented. I suggest revising it thusly: "With skill and delicacy, he weaves the simplest of words into fable, legends, and tales that once told will spring from village to town the world over. Although the telling will change, the tales will never lose their heart."
[ to places only dreamt of, and the crowds, at his feet, sat enraptured.] - Too many commas. Strike the commas after "crowd" and "feet."
[Then one day the words were gone. Then the very next day the crowds were gone.] - Strike the second "Then." Put a comma after the second "day."
[He wandered the land, a miserable soul, and searched the four corners of the years.] - Do you mean the four corners of the earth? Even so, that is a little cliched. I would just put the period after "soul." Strike the rest of the sentence.
[There, perched upon the black night sky, a jewel afloat and unscathed by the tar pit tides surrounding it.] - Beautifully written.
[vowed that he would fulfil any wish] - Spelling mistake - should be "fulfill."
[Then he slept and, in his dreams, a thousand new worlds came to life. - Again, beautiful descriptive writing, but you need to strike the comma after "and."
[so anxious where they to be together again.] - Spelling error - "where" should be "were."
Wow, that is a strange handle. Anyway, I saw this in the Poetry Newsletter of 12/28/05. Congratulations on being featured. Your poem is beautiful and touched my heart. I have a few suggestions:
1. [Hardly eye to eye we meet.] - This line is awkward. "Rarely" would be better instead of "Hardly."
2. [As the church bells pealing grows.
The rings pierce right into my heart.
The rocky ground begins to part.]
You need to put an apostrophe with "bells'" to indicate possession: the pealing belongs to the bells. I would also choose another word besides "rings." A telephone rings - bells gong or echo. Last, instead of rocky ground parting, it would be a better fit if the cloudy sky were to part. In the beginning of the poem, the speaker is lifting his head to the sky. As it is, I thought something bad was going to happen when the ground opened up.
3. [Your glory like an angel band,
and represent your loving hand.] - Change "and" to "does" or "doth."
I saw this in the Poetry Newsletter of 12/28/05. The first four stanzas had me laughing like crazy. They are comic genius. Then the poem got progressively raunchy, which is not my thing, but this poem is still clever and witty. Great job in turning "The Night Before Christmas" on it's ear." and I can see you made a lot of people laugh. You should send this into Adult Swim because this seems right up their alley. Maybe they can do a little production in time for next Christmas.
I have one suggestion. I would change "small Tiny Tim" to "dear Tiny Tim." We already know he is small, so the way it is now it is redundant.
Your story is a small glimmer of the power of God and His angels. Do you read Guideposts magazine? I love to read such stories. They strengthen my Christian faith in a world that sometimes weakens it. You should contact the Guideposts editors. Perhaps they will feature your story so thousands more will be touched.
The story is good as it stands, but I would elaborate a little more. Where was Faith's father? What job does her mom have? And most importantly, how old was Faith at the time? And a little physical description of the child would also help.
[over the people I Love. I ask God send extra angels for Faith Ann.] - Don't capitalize "Love." Put "to" after "God."
I saw this in the Spiritual Newsletter from 1/19. Good poem with an important theme. Your first and last stanzas are particularly strong.
I understand your overall message, but it comes across a little vague and confusing. The transition from Jesus' family to our family is not smooth. Besides, the poem makes it seem like Jesus never left the Earth.
[They're dear.] - Strike these words. It is too short to be considered a line, and also a fifth line when you have four lines in all the other stanzas.
I saw this in the Spiritual Newsletter of 1/19/06. Congratulations on coming up with a truly original idea of one-winged angels that have to hold onto each other to fly. Yes, these are song lyrics!!!!! I hope you pursue making this a song!!!! I will be listening to my radio.
[We live in our little world of dreams,] - I would change it to "Each in our little world of dreams."
I read this from the Poetry Newsletter of 12/01/05. Congratulations on having almost two hundred r & r's on "One Step to Nowhere." I love this poem. It is one of the best I have ever read. You explore the idea of how do we get where we do in life so eloquently. I love your imagery, especially in the last stanza.
I do have a problem with how you only have a period at the end of each stanza. I think you could shorten the sentences, changing some of those commas to periods. Also, the last two lines are confusing: who awakens? The stranger or the speaker? And if it is the stranger, how can he continue the journey before he awakens? If it is the speaker, if he is sleeping, how will he even notice the stranger? You need to revise the last two lines a little.
I loved your poem . . . until the last line. But I will say the good stuff first.
I thought this was a beautiful, rambling yet pointed, gentle rant about questions and desires that many have. I love the words and can relate to most of what you wrote. I think most people can - that is the beauty of what you wrote. There is nothing I would change, except:
I just have no patience or sympathy for expressions of wishing for death. Suicide is incredibly selfish. Re-reading the poem, I was upset to realize that the note you wrote about, and being sorry for hurting someone, was probably about a suicide note. There are too many people who wanted to live, but they died. Healthy, young people take their lives for no good reason. I think the idea of being able to be happy after you die, and finally have control of your life is absolutely ludicrous. If life is just "a pile of s***," and you are not sure if you are even here at all, then you really don't know what life is about. There are people out there a lot worse off than many of those who committ suicide.
Very scary, very well-written. The Grays . . . padding on little feet . . . something lurks just out of the range of the flashlight . . . You set the mood perfectly with a minimum of words. Your opening sentence is superb. Big congratulations on your Halloween Masquerade Award. But even for a horror story, it is too violent for me. And I think the whole "mental asylum" setting is overdone. But watch me write my next story set in one; LOL!
This story would be perfect for an episode of the Andy Griffith show. It has the same consequences of disobeying your parents, and lesson learned at the end. Your description did not say "experience," but it reads as if it was really a childhood memory of yours.
However, most people who are not familiar with farm life really don't know the dangers of tractor rollover. A friend of mine's uncle died when his tractor rolled over. If you could work that awareness into the story, the boy's ride would be more than a funny predicament, it would really put the reader on the edge of their seat. Also, when the father shows up, be more descriptive. Say "his face was white; he was breathing hard."
I saw this in the Short Stories Newsletter of 11/09/05. I am usually not much for erotica or graphic sex scenes, but your story was well-written. I could sense the main character's change of heart and lesson learned. I could feel him becoming "comfortable" and "in tune" with her. It was cute when the kiss threw him for a loop.
I hope this was more than a fling.
[By the time I woke up, I had missed my last class of the day – which, thankfully, I could afford to miss – and figuring studying was a bust, I gathered my things to head home.] - This sentence is too long. Break it into two, thusly: By the time I woke up, I had missed my last class of the day – which, thankfully, I could afford to miss. Figuring studying was a bust, I gathered my things to head home.
[in need of their asses kicked] - should be in need of getting their asses kicked
I saw this story in the Short Stories Newsletter for 11/09/05. Congratulations on the Honorable Mention. Good story with a poignant ending.
The imagery in the first paragraph is excellent. You have set the tone for your story almost perfectly. But where is the neon coming from? It makes it seem like he is in a seedy motel, but apparently he is at home since he is going to work the next day (?) A little more description of his bedroom or home would help the reader.
He stood by the window watching people hurrying to work, the rain from the night before had continued into the morning. - Change comma to semi-colon or divide into two sentences.
‘Morning. You look rough,’ - Use full quotation marks for speech.
What is a "rota?" Please explain in the text.
de-odorant - Take out the hyphen
heaping two teaspoons of coffee - add the word "instant" before coffee.
[A middle aged man in a suit stopped by the window crouching beneath his umbrella and started eyeing up the washing machines.] - Revise as follows: A middle-aged man crouching beneath his umbrella started eyeing the washing machines.
[Actions and their consequences seemed somehow to be disconnecting.] - This sentence is so clever; I love it.
[A little light headed he shut them,] - Lightheaded is one word.
letting the sounds of the city wrap him up like a great blanket -Superb imagery. LOVE it.
Good love/ghost story. Great imagery. I could feel the chill of the sea fog and Anin's passion. The setting of Japan hooked me; I love Japanese culture.
"The wind, irritated, blew." - This sentence is very awkward. Please revise or eliminate.
"set forth to the next town" - should be "set out for"
"Yumi, is mine." - you don't need a comma in such a short sentence.
ill fated lovers - hyphenate ill-fated
like a babies skin - should be baby's
and waited, but no voice did he hear. - replacing the comma with a colon would add emphasis.
Superb, passionate. I loved every word (except "stand behind our President; in retrospect we know he LIED). I read this in the Spiritual Newsletter. Although this piece is four years old, it is just as relevant as the day you wrote it. "Leaving the armor of God at the church steps was particularly poignant.
I recently read in a book that if you make a Jesus cake on Christmas, you are considered a "religious zealot." That is the reason we Christians clam up and do not speak of our dear friend and brother Jesus. We do not want to be labeled a "Jesus Freak" or a religious zealot.
People are free to spout all kinds of blasphemy in public: your friend the UFO enthusiast is an example. If someone joins a cult, we are supposed to "respect their beliefs."
I have one brother who became a Jehovah's Witness, and in the space of a year has undergone a radical personality change and is not speaking with family members. My other brother does not believe in God - he believes all the wonders of Nature just evolved. I am sure he feels validated with the recent banning of Intelligent Design theory from the classroom.
This poem is excellent. I read it in the Spiritual Newsletter. I am absolutely in love with the second and third stanzas. Not only is it great writing, but it speaks to me and strengthens my faith. The metaphors in the first stanza are beautiful.
I think the second stanza is underdeveloped. Also, the poem as a whole could be even longer.
Your prayer-poem is beautiful.
It is hard for me to turn to the Lord when I am feeling despair. It is even harder to be thankful when things are not going my way. But the spiritual rewards are amazing, as you indicate. And if we get so bogged down in our own troubles, we can forget "another’s need."
Thank you again for this poem. I am sure I will be turning to it.
I hope you are planning on making this longer. It is a good combination between Mecha Anime (like Gundam Wing or Escaflowne) and medieval war fantasy like The Deed of Paksenarrion.
You describe the feelings of apprehension VERY WELL.
Is the last quality really noble? Hiding in a suit? A demon is bad; it is not noble.
This is a touching and beautiful fantasy story. You have a wonderful imagination. However, many sentences are long and need commas, and there are other writing mistakes that detract from this gorgeous tale.
Hypenate 'sun-dappled': into the sun dappled afternoon air
Ma told me that he was swallowed by sunlight and the sun would never give him up again. - Need a comma after "sunlight."
After that I hated the rays - Need a comma after "that" (prepositional phrase)
that would never go away - you need a comma after this prep. phrase as well
dragons eggs - should be dragons' eggs (indicate possession)
half formed - need to hyphenate: half-formed
the mountains heart - need an apostrophe to show possession: mountain's heart
He was as blue as a robin’s egg and white edged the spines on his back and wings as frost would a windowpane. - Divide this into two sentences: "He was as blue as a robin's egg. White edged . . ."
the summer had past - should be "passed"
strong smelling tea - need to hyphenate "strong-smelling"
I think your title description says it all. This poem is renewing to those who read it. It gives one the strength to keep trying, it provides hope. I also like that it is up to the reader to decide who is speaking in the poem. Ride with me makes me think of a handsome prince on a horse. Kind of Disney, I know, but hey - you're the one who put the rainbow in there!
Another good poem. By the way, what happened to the Sublime Without Rhymes forums? They disappeared from my favorites list. I e-mailed mod Love and Pixie, but neither responded.
I would hyphenate full of holes. Other than that, I like the story of what Jesus does for lost souls who seek him.
This is an excellent poem with excellent imagery. "Nicotine mandelas" is writing genius. The poem is so sensitive: did you or a friend or family member have personal experience with a still birth?
"time faded photo." - Need a hyphen: "time-faded photo."
"womb shine" - Again, I would hyphenate: "womb-shine."
This poem is hilarious! Being written by a man - and a man named "Harry" (hairy) - it is even more of a treat. As a woman, I so agree! I so agree!
"Women and their Hair" is perfect. How could I suggest anything to change this? The ending is a hoot - this poem makes me feel better about my hair problems.
Hey, how come you have two pieces in this newsletter? Lucky!!!
I like this story's theme of a haunted house. Great imagery; great similes. I liked how you turned the mushy holiday of Valentine's Day into an occaision for horror!
Your description has an error: "An old tale of horror spurs a young girls curiosity to enter a haunted house." - should be "young girl's curiosity."
"the number, 214" - You don't need a comma.
"Another gust of February-wind boomed into the doors and whisked across the porch stirring some leaves in a diabolical dance." - Need comma after "porch."
"She could see another door just beneath the stairwell and only a few short steps away from where she was." - Don't need "and." Unless you want to add dashes for emphasis, which I think would enhance the suspense: "just beneath the stairwell - and only a few short steps away . . ."
"Her courage ran out." - I think you should add "suddenly," as in "Her courage suddenly ran out," or "Her courage suddenly failed her."
"Now I am going to count back from five and when I snap my fingers you will wake and remember nothing." - Needs commas: "Now, I am going to count back from five, and when I snap my fingers, you will wake and remember nothing."
I kind of feel this piece is underdeveloped, and I am not sure if I get it. Snap at the end - is that her neck being broken?
This story gets a five on content and descriptive imagery. I rated it a little lower because of some missing punctuation that interfered with the flow of the story and my enjoyment of reading it.
"reader's more familiar" should be "readers"
"Desperate is he that lives in a dream but cannot wake. Terrified is he who wanders a synaptic wasteland of surreal shadows and landscapes of lunacy." - What great writing & imagery! I was hooked from this opening line.
burnt out should be burnt-out
It is cold here, cold as the grave, the kind of cold that freezes your soul, and lonely, so lonely; the loneliness of all things forgotten. - This sentence runs on and is awkward. It needs to be broken up into two sentences, and it needs more punctuation. How about revising it thusly?: It is cold here - cold as the grave. The kind of cold that freezes your soul - and lonely - so lonely; the loneliness of forgotten things.
Memories that invade my thoughts from the other side however, - need an extra comma after "side".
and a few, only in symbols. - You don't need the comma.
broad shouldered and narrow hipped. - Need hyphens: "broad-shouldered and narrow-hipped."
very sleek, lithe like a serpent. - change to "very sleek - lithe - like a serpent."
hell - capitalize hell, or write "hell-hound."
"I gather up every last vestige of dying strength I have left and with one last titanic effort I close the gap and launch myself headfirst at the glass." - Should be: "I gather up every last vestige of dying strength I have left, and with one last titanic effort, I close the gap . . ."
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