There was one part that threw me off a bit: Often my friends ask me what is
That...
I think would read better: Often my friends ask what it is
That...
There were quite a few lines that I found were short of the 8 syllables. 2nd stanza all but 2nd line; 3rd stanza 1st and 3rd lines; 4th stanza 1st and last line. I think it's fine as it is, but I point it out since you state it is 8-8-8-8 format.
My favorite lines are A poem takes hesitant shape
Slowly through myst, haze and vapour.
Overall, good job. An enjoyable read. Keep writing!
This is a beautiful poem, perfect for Memorial Day. It promotes a sense of patriotism, and of peace. I did notice two lines that were 8 syllables instead of 7--the second and fourth lines of the second stanza. One suggestion to make it follow the 7-7-7-7 would be: At the unknown soldier's grave,
In theworldwar cemetary
Solemn memorial to Soldiers dyingThose who died for their country.
Other than that, the poem flows well. You start off by setting the scene, drawing me into the poem. I especially liked "courted death to save life". You ended it perfectly with "Be proud of them, but don't weep." Thank you for writing and sharing this. Keep writing!
This is different, and a lot of fun. I couldn't resist stepping up to the challenge, and I know I'll be back. I did find one mistake in your introduction: "orf we goes!" instead of "off we go!". Other than that, your description was clear. You provided a great example. The title of the In&Out is perfect, and your brief description enough to reel me in. I've put this on my favorites list so I can see how things have involved and participate again. Good job and keep writing! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
I like how the lines are short, and only show glimpses. It's like dreaming--you wake up and only remember flashes. The only thing that feels off is the last half of your second stanza. It doesn't make sense to me that the warriors fall before they clash. It feels like it was done that way just to fit the rhyme scheme. I also wouldn't mind if it was a bit longer. My favorite part is: Vivid memories / As I sleep in the night. Good job and keep writing! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
I found no typos or errors in this article. This is extremely well written, and really made me think. I had never thought about the origins of those forwarded emails. Now that it has been brought to my attention, I am determined to not spread them further. I am appalled that people today disregard that copyright authors and artists hold, especially after being educated about the issue. I will only share someone else's work with permission and recognition. To that regards, I would like your permission to share this article with those few that I receive forwards from. Of course, I will credit you and include a link to this site. Thank you for educating me on this issue. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
I can see what you mean about "unfinished, yet somehow complete." You experienced the pain and the rain, and then suddenly The sky was clear.... I think it ends great. However, it does leave the poem very open to interpretation. If you want the meaning to be clearer, you could add some more lines. The only thing that was an issue for me is the title. I was expecting a poem about Winnie the Pooh. Other than that, I love it. I could read it over and over again and still enjoy it. In fact, I've already read it multiple times. I love the sound of it--reads wonderfully aloud. Good job and keep writing. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
I was only 4 years old when this happened, so it's not something I remember. I'm blown away that I never learned about it in school, though. If it was taught to me at some point, then it was just glanced over--just an "incredible misfortune" as it was advertised. You've got me thinking about the state of the world. What is this world coming to if the announcement of a nuclear accident starts out with a "Good evening" and is brushed off as an incredible misfortune instead of the world affecting disaster that it was. Thank you for sharing this piece of history with me. I leave this piece a changed person. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
I like this. You took something familiar and made it your own. You shared some of your beliefs and your attitude on life. While reading this, I was touched in a couple different ways. Some touched my heart, some made me laugh, and another made me feel hope. You show great compassion and understanding. The only part that left me puzzled is Blessed is the Bible, whose pages contain dualism. Is this meant to be irony? It feels like a contradiction. Other than that, I enjoyed your Beatitudes. My favorite is Blessed are the lovers, whose lips always close on a memory. Keep writing! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
Oh no! It ends! I was so enthralled in this, that I wanted to keep reading. You do a wonderful job with imagery, and flowing from one vision to the next.
I would recommend putting a space between paragraphs and/or indenting your paragraphs. This would make it more reader friendly. This too has a message; yet again I fail to understand. What am I being told? Where am I to look? The point of view changes here. I noticed one other time where the same thing occurs. Italicize, use quotation marks, or do something else to show thoughts/voice. Your prologue grabbed me, made me want to read the book. I want to know how all the visions play out, and how they're related. I want to know why the army has gathered. I like the names you chose for you characters and places. They are unique, work well together, and aren't a pain to pronounce. Good job, and definitely Keep Writing! I'm looking forward to reading the novel. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
So much emotion and controversy packed into such a small piece! You don't give us background, but one can gleam enough from your words to get a basis. Whatever the husband has gone through, it's enough to want it to end. But you know it's not a cop-out, that he's waiting--wanting to celebrate their 50th anniversary. This is very touching. You do a wonderful job telling a story in so short a time. The only thing I would recommend is perhaps slipping in the reason for his suffering. Was he in an accident? Is it cancer? Is he paralyzed? I think a little more knowledge there would make it a more powerful piece, and help us to connect even more with the couple. I really like how he notices that his wife's eyes still shine. It's a great way of pointing out how much they still love each other. Thank you for sharing this. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
There are a lot of spelling and grammar errors in this which could be fixed with a spelling check. That aside, this is a very beautiful piece. It brought tears to my eyes. I feel like I know your mother, even though I never met her. You did a wonderful job at describing her--not physically, but spiritually. I can feel the love that you have for her. Thank you for sharing that with me. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
There is a typo in the last line of your second stanza. That aside, I like it. I like how you start each stanza with "I ask you...", and end the poem with "I ask because I know your answer." That one line cements the whole poem, that you know each other so well that you don't require a reply for you already have it. As good as this poem is, I do think you made the right choice in your entry for the contest. This one is more of a telling, where-as in your other poem I get a stronger sense of the raw emotion. Good job, though, and keep writing. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
This is very good. My grandfather died last month, and I can really relate to this. Everyone knew he was dying for over a month, yet many didn't call or show up until the funeral, if then. You have great examples in your poem, and I can feel your frustration with people's hypocrisy. This has a good message: we should cherish people every moment, while they are here and after they are gone. Your poem reads very smoothly and doesn't feel too long. I like at the end how you counter 'cherish' with 'perish'. Great job and keep writing. Good luck in the contest! My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
First off, you do have a grammar error in the third line of your second stanza. Where it reads "to much" should be "too much". That aside, this is a very good poem. It reads well aloud, has a good rhythm to it. I really like "as lungs play hide and seek with air". Great job, and good luck. Glad I'm not against you this round. My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
This is very good. I like how you capitalized "You" instead of "i". It really emphasized the importance of the other over self. I especially like the line "placing my trust in the palm of Your mind". That really brings out what surrender is all about. Keep writing, and good luck in the contest!
I'm a fantasy fan, and your little synopsis paragraph sounds like something I'd read. I'll have to take a look at the outline and short story later. I do like the title. It has a nice sound to it, and it's unique. I hope the outline has as much potential.
The emotion is very strong in this poem. You can feel the loneliness and despair. Only a few suggestions. Lines two and three feel long compared to rest of poem. Maybe break them up? Or, combine some later lines to make them longer. It would feel more balanced. The last five lines are really good. One sentence flowing into the other gives the imagery and feeling of going down a drain. Overall, good job and keep writing!
Now this is the type of poetry that really affects me. It's got a lot of emotion supporting it, but not bogging it down. You don't force me as a reader to feel, but you allow me to experience it with you. I really connect with this poem. It's very well done. You didn't stick with a strict pattern for your rhyme, and I think that made the rhyme more powerful, gave it more rhythm. It didn't feel forced. No words were out of place, no lines that didn't belong. I have no suggestions for improvement. Keep writing, and thank you for sharing. I will definitely have to take a look at some of your other items.
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