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277 Public Reviews Given
280 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I always try to send detailed reviews with as much information as possible. If I enjoy something in your piece I will tell you AND explain why I enjoyed it and what effect I think it has on the reader. Likewise if I see something that could be improved I will point it out and explain my reasoning and possible solutions to the issue. I like to focus on plot, character, and the more creative areas of writing, but I do look at grammar, too.
I'm good at...
Characterisation. Plot development. Pacing. Flow. Understanding.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, sci-fi, horror, science/tech
Least Favorite Genres
Erotic, romance, family, self-help, religious, spiritual, anything that cannot be reviewed properly (i.e., really personal pieces)
Favorite Item Types
Statics: short stories, poetry, articles (about writing, fantasy, sci-fi, science or tech) Items under 3000 words
Least Favorite Item Types
Images, long form. Anything over 3000 words
I will not review...
Anything over 3000 words unless I already know the writer. I don't want to read any personal pieces where a detailed review would be inappropriate (so no eulogy/obituries, personal accounts of illness, how you found religion, etc...)
Public Reviews
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26
26
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, Melvin Herring

Opening lines

The opening is really good. It introduces the audience to the main characters straight away. I've already reviewed your opening, Review of "At The Bottom of Everything Ep1 Pt 1" and nothing has really changed since then.

There are a few changes and I think they are all very good and really steps the script up a notch. I like the new title, too. I can imagine the title sequence for that being quite retro and mad. The episode name is not exactly imaginative, but it works as it instantly tells the audience what the gist of the episode is going to be.

Characters

I really like Alex as a character. He is really well rounded; you have portrayed his personality really well. The madness of Alex really juxtaposes the dark times he's actually going through. Although this works well to a point, I do think that Alex should be a little more depressed, at the moment it seems his main problem is losing Sarah rather than losing everything. His back-story is developing well, too. He's always been a bit of a drunk and is known for his drunken anger.

Sarah and Jamie are excellent supporting characters (I think that's the right phrase). Sarah seems like she still has some feelings for Alex but can't resist the culture of Jamie. Jamie, on the other hand, seems like a right jerk and I hope he gets what's coming to him (maybe you could kill him off in a tragic jet ski accident in the last episode). I like how Jamie is clever, it adds to the things Sarah likes that Alex doesn't have.

The Resident is an interesting extra. I know its a comedy, but would they seriously be so callous towards Alex. Perhaps you could make them over caring - that way you would give them some humanity, but maintain the humour.

Will... great character. In my opinion there is nothing wrong with the character. I think he has the perfect mix of kindness and realism. He doesn't want to offend Alex, but gets increasingly annoyed. He is similar to Jamie in that he's cultured and intelligent, but isn't, as you put it, a 'boob' about it.

Isis seems nice enough. I haven't really seen much of her to form an opinion, but I can imagine Alex and her getting together, what with Alex's amazing pick-up line 'you can chop my penis off everyday'. You know I might try that, of course out of context it might seem a bit wrong!

Plot

The plot is good. Not too complex but not overly simple. I've not got much to say on the plot other than I am engaged and want to read the next episode.

Technical

Technically the piece was very good. I'm no script writer so feel free to disagree with me on this. I believe actions are supposed to be written with normal capitalisation. I read it here  . Personally, I think what you've got looks better and is clearer, but I guess convention is convention.

There was one other bit I noticed, but I can't find it. I'll email you when I find it again.

What I like

I have to say my favourite line of the piece was ' I couldn’t care less about a f***ing pigeon flying out of a barn to represent some convoluted metaphor that no one who reads the book for fun notices. All they see is a pigeon, not a metaphor.' I thought that all the way through English!

I must say I really liked the innocence with which Alex said 'No one had any fish paste', I could really imagine Alex being insulted by no one liking his choice of dip.

The whole cynical, sarcastic, sometimes dark humour is great. It really suits the story.

Other Comments

I know the swearing is a part of the comedy and your style of writing, but it is a little excessive. I'm not offended by it, I just wonder if it always adds to the story. Also, if you have even one mention of the F word, you must rate your piece as 18+. You run the risk of having the piece removed if you don't rate it as such. Technically it should be the one higher than 18 because of how many times it is used, though I think 18+ would suffice because you haven't got excessive gore or anything.

Conclusion


A really funny and entertaining piece with great characters. Be sure to change the rating and upload the next episode when you get some scenese written.

Write On!


Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
27
27
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi

I am back to review your changes. First, I must commend you on doing your changes so quickly. Normally changes to a poem would account for a half star increase, but in less than 24 hours you have increased a whole star.

I won't go over the same things again and this review will be of the new poem.

Overall Impression

The message was really clear and easy to follow. Having a powerful message is so important for a poem like this and I believe you have done it justice.

Form and Rhyme

The form is a lot better now as the two outer stanzas contrast the middle ones. I like the way the last two stanzas equal the first allowing the poem to gradually end.

Stanza 1: A B A C D C - I really like this pattern. Something about it gives the feel of freedom but the power of a pattern.
Stanza 2: A B A B - One of the most common rhyme schemes for a four line stanza. The rhymes here are really good and work well.
Stanza 3: A B A A - Interesting choice, I quite like it and it works well.
Stanza 4: A B A B - Same as stanza 2.
Stanza 5: A B A - A common scheme for 3 line poems. You have used it well here
Stanza 6: A B A - Same as previous stanza.

Imagery

The imagery is now really powerful. I especially like the penultimate stanza's image. You won't find what you want or what you ask for knocking on you door, meaning you have to earn it and work for it.

Technical

The only technical slips I could find were the same in the previous poem. If you refer to my previous review you can whittle them out. The flow is good throughout.

Conclusion

A massive improvement on the poem. With a little bit of grammatical clearing up the poem could get 4.5 or even 5 stars. I have never seen such a big improvement in such a small amount of time.

Write On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
28
28
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi

Overall Impression

The message of the poem is good. Although not religious myself, the poem still made me think. It's not what you say or what you think, at the end of the day it's what you do and who you are. You also have the message that God will prevent you from straying so long as you thank him and stay true to yourself.

Form and Rhyme

At first I thought you had a nice rhyme scheme. In stanza 1 it was A B A C D C which was well done. The second stanza followed the same, but I felt that 'forgotten' and 'well' weren't really strong enough rhymes, to be honest 'happen' rhymed better but didn't fit the scheme. You made stanza 3 longer and changed the scheme to A B A A C D C D which I thought was fine apart from it didn't conform to the rest of the poem. The last stanza only had 3 lines and didn't rhyme.

I would seriously consider making the stanzas equal length and giving them the same rhyme scheme. I know that it's a big task, but I feel the message is strong and that it would be worth the effort to do the message justice.

Imagery

The imagery was good although for a poem like this the images are more subtle and are created by the reader more than by the words you write. Really the imagery here is the message which I discussed in my Overall Impression.

Technical

You write wont a lot in the poem. I assume you mean won't, short for 'will not'.

Second stanza, Line 1: I would put You have got to act as at the moment it isn't grammatically correct.
Second stanza, last line: I don't think you meant to have a well as that doesn't make sense. I assume you meant will, though I would try to re phrase it so you don't end on the same word twice in a row.

Third stanza: Throughout the stanza you seem to have a space before and after the comma. You only need the space after. For example:
It's going to take some time , so hold on would be It's going to take some time, so hold on to be correct.
Third stanza, line 5: This line isn't grammatically correct. Perhaps Sometimes you feel you have had enough might be more correct.

Final stanza: I'm sorry to say I felt this stanza very weak. The poem has been building a powerful message and then it just fizzles out with From anything bad. It was disappointing. Perhaps making the final stanza longer and having a more powerful last line would improve the poem drastically.


Conclusion

A powerful message, but perhaps not portrayed in the best way. With some hard work, this poem could be great.

Write On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
29
29
Review of The Snow Fence  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This review is part of CSFS's Anniversary Raid.

Hi,

What a great idea! With this you can be sure that your reviews go to people who want a review specifically from you. It also gives you the chance to communicate openly with members and have discussions and such. Perhaps you could use it to offer advice too. But, I suppose as a guest book it's more about other people knowing about what other people think about you.

Great idea!

Write On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.


Thanks
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"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
30
30
Review of My Signature  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is part of CSFS's Anniversary Raid.

Hi,

Your signature is nice and simple. It clearly shows your attitude towards writing and allows the person seeing it to understand you. I can see that you are an avid writer who puts alot of care and effort into making the best possible piece of writing.

However, viewing your sig in this context means that I took the time to read and understand it. Somebody who sees it in its normal usage may struggle to quickly read the writing as the fancy font isn't the easiest to read.

Write On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.


Thanks
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"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
31
31
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This review is part of CSFS's Anniversary Raid.

Hi,

Wow! What an amazing poem. I read up on the form and knowing about it makes it even more beautiful. The story the poem told was supberb and it was really easy to follow whilst still being interesting to read. I love the the way the first two stanzas have a similar first line and how the the last stanza starts with 'father, daughter' almost bringing the two as equals for the final stanza.

Wonderful poem. Write On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.


Thanks
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"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
32
32
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This review is part of CSFS's Anniversary Raid.

Hi,

It is nice to be reviewing something more recent of yours!

I enjoyed this poem. The form was well executed and although lacking the satire that many poems in this form hold it was still a good read. There is nothing technical wrong with it, not are there any issues with flow or interesting techniques. I'm sorry I can't be more constructive, you've just written it too well*Wink*

Write On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.


Thanks
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"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
33
33
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is part of CSFS's Anniversary Raid.

Hi,

The poem was nice and easy to read. The subject was simple but suitably explored and I could see the scene in my head. The poem flowed nicely and went at a suitable pace.

The problem I had with this poem was that there were no stand out moments or lines. It felt like a 'safe poem'. I didn't sense any adventurous techniques or words and nothing really leapt of the page. Perhaps you could've added a few more metaphors and descriptions of the burn.

Nice poem. Write On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.


Thanks
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"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
34
34
Review of The Atom's Heart  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This review is part of CSFS's Anniversary Raid.

Hi,

What an amazing poem! The poem was powerful and each word meant something to the poem. Your use of languageis excellent.
I really love the shape of the poem. The mushroom cloud form really adds depth and meaning to the poem. I've read some shaped poems before (published and on WDC) and I have to say they've never worked as well as yours does here.

This line: 'Reality and illusion melted; congealed as glassy beads.' stuck to me. The whole poem flowed well and then I felt like this one was in mud. Specifically the second part of the sentence didn't quite work. I'm not sure if 'Congealed as glassy beads' makes sense and tht's what made it stick to me, it didn't conform to what I expected it to be written as. Perhaps the as could be replaced by 'like' to alleviate some of the stickiness of the line.

Good work. Write On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.


Thanks
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"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
35
35
Review of My Secret Name  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This review is part of CSFS's Anniversary Raid.

Hi,

There is almost nothing wrong at all with this poem. It flows very well and the language is well chosen. The images are very nice and technically the piece is nearly faultless.

The only thing I have to say critically is that 'earth' should have a capital 'E' making it 'Earth'.

Is this poem the origin of your handle or did your handle inspire this poem?

Thanks

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.


Thanks
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"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
36
36
Review of Map of My Port  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is part of CSFS's Anniversary Raid.

Hi,


This is a useful tool for navigating your port. The sections are clearly laid out and it is easy to find your way around the majority of your pieces.

The problem, as I'm sure you're aware, is that there are too many invalid items in here. I know it was made in 2005, but if you're not going to update it, you should remove it. As it is not updated, you may find that people review more of your old work.

Write On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.


Thanks
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"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
37
37
Review of September Rain  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is part of CSFS's Anniversary Raid.

Hi,

I really enjoyed reading your poem. I like the words and images you formed in my mind. I find it interesting that you have no idea where the idea came from, and yet you still wrote it. I particually like the last stanza. The metaphor of dirty laundry is very good and the flow of the stanza is great. It makes a fitting final stanza.

The problem I had with the poem is that it felt somewhat dis-jointed. Each sentence was fine on its own but as a whole I felt like I was stumbling through it. I'm not sure which bits cause this but it is just the general fell I got.

In short: A great poem with a flow issue.

Write On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.


Thanks
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"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
38
38
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This review is part of CSFS's Anniversary Raid.

Hi,

You've got a very fun idea for a poll, there. It's interesting to see what irritates WDCers most with sayings. Apart from having fun, writers can gain from your poll. If I want to write a character that the readers will like I'll avoid using those sayings; if I want to write an annoying character I'll be sure to use the saying 'Let it go!' or 'God doesn't give us more than we can handle!'. Perhaps you could make a short story contest with these sayings as the prompts.

I voted all of the above, like 17.9% of the other voters did.

Write On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.


Thanks
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"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
39
39
Review of MY CHILD  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This review is part of CSFS's Anniversary Raid.

Hi,

That was a very nice piece. Although I am only 16 and as such cannot relate to the feelings explained in the piece, I can say how beuatifully you have written it. It is a most wonderful monologue that could easily be catogarised as poetry. The piece flows magestically from thought to thought. Each idea being deeply intertwined with the next and it elegantly explains the sheer unfaltering love a parent has for a child.

Write On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.


Thanks
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"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
40
40
Review of Christmas Gifts  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi,

Wow! That piece is very hard hitting and written with such great ability. The brutal images were powerful and disturbing aswell as very well drawn with your words. The characters were very well written and I could feel what Macon was feeling and wanted him to escape. I felt each blow to Macon's mother and wanted him to stop. For a piece like this to be felt in such a way is a very good skill.
No words were not needed nor were any words missing. The piece was put together with sympathy for Macon and was done with magesty and writing ability.

The only thing I would say is the 'shut to fuck up' should be 'shut the fuck up'. Other than that, a very powerful piece.

Write On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
41
41
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

What a great sig! Alexia is really talented at these things, isn't she? It reall captures your spirit as a fantasy writer.
If I'm going to make a comment, I'd say that maybe the Proud Member of CSFS is a little dark, but it doesn't really distract from the overall sig.

Write and Sig On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
42
42
Review of Colour Blind  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

May I start this review by welcoming you to WDC, I'm sure you'll love it here.

Your poem is really eyeopening. Although I have never done that to a colour blind person, I have watched others do it. You don't really think about it as you can't physically see the problem as you can a cripple's. The rhyming is good as is the flow for the mojority of the piece. It's really easy to read and I didn't stumble over any part of it.

This next point is stylistic. I don't know whether the layout is the best. It would work well if you split the lines in two.
"All people want us to do,
is tell them what colour is blue..."
That layout makes it seem more poetic. Ofcourse, that is only my opinion and you should feel free to disagree.

The last line breaks the flow. More specifically, the very last part: "as would making us look like a fool." I think you could get away with using a half rhyme and changing the wording slightly.
"Well no, because that would be cruel, as is making us look like fools."

Other than that, I see no other problems with the piece. If you upload anymore poetry or if you upload short stories, be sure to email me so I can read and review your work again.

Write On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
43
43
Review of Pleading carrot  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi,

I loved reading this. The story was excellent and highly imaginative. I completely agree with what you said in the email: It is comedy/horror/fantasy/satire all in one package. It is seriously funny and crazy. The dream sequneces were hypnotic in my mind. I loved the tangent you went on about the MC hating his neighbour. It was completely unexpected for him to just say 'I hated that prick'. Reading back, I noticed that the tense you used hinted at something happening at the end to make him not hate him - I wasn't expecting that something to be what it was (I don't want to give the end away to anyone reading this review.)

I really want to give it 5 stars. Sadly, I can't. The grammar is not up to the standard of your story. I'm not going to point all the bits out to you, but I will reccomend something. Use "Invalid Item" . The editors are incredibly talented at the technical aspect of writing. I use them for all of my items. They're all very good, but when picking one, be sure to pick one who wouldn't ordinarily read your work. For example, Eliot is the kind of person who would read your work and review it anyway, so it might ruin it if he is having to nitpick it. I'm gonig to reccomend this peice to Eliot, he'd love it! If you would rather me wait until it's been edited just say.

Great read that just needs a bit of tidying up.

Write On!


Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
44
44
Review of The dragon king  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,

I loved this poem. The story was amazing and could easily be turned into an epic fantasy tale between man and dragon. The format of the poem was great as was the flow.
If I had to make a comment it would be this: I'm not sure what you're trying to do with the punctuation. It seems odd to have the end and start of stanzas run onto each other.

Other than that, I loved your poem and will be reading more fantasy poetrey in future.

Thanks for sharing.
Write On!


Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
45
45
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi,

I really enjoyed reading this poem. I don't usually read fantasy poetry, but, recently I decided to read more.

The general flow of the poem is good. It always amazes me that poets can keep a story going whilst having to stick to a rhyme scheme. You are no exception. The rhymes are good and the half rhymes are justified. The sotry of the poem is strong and I can really see the images you're trying to put across.

However, there are a few issues I have.

Stanza 1, Lines 13-14: It might just be me not having as wider vocabulary as you, but I don't understand what line 13 means and as such the context of line 14 is lost on me. If it is me not understanding what you mean by 'it rent my heart' and it actually makes perfect sense, leave it in. I don't want you to remove powerful words just because a 16 year old doesn't understand it.

Stanza 2, Line 12: I don't think the order of the words is correct. It could be rectified either though rearrangement or through the addition of a few words: And shut away her hate [so, now] refined. The words in the [] are 2 possibilities of what I would put in there.

Stanza 3, Line 2: I think it should be 'by the bravest sword today'


Generally, the rest of the poem is good. There are a few bits which don' flow as nicely as other parts, but they don't diminish my overall enjoyment of the poem.

Thanks for sharing

Write On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
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"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
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46
46
Review of Thumbalinas  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,

I loved this piece! I though the concept of a little family living inside of a light bulb was, to be frank, genius. It reminded me of a better version of The Borrowers! You took the prompt and placed it in the most confined space possible. The build up to the fart was very funny and I could almost feel the tension rising as colon felt a disturbance. I really felt the awkward silence when he finally puffted.
The piece had a comicly dramatic ending and in short I really enjoyed reading this.

Write On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
47
47
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This review is part of CSFS's Dragon Raid.
Hi,

A simple, to the point sig. You don't need any complex design to show what a great person you are. Without you the site just would not exist and I want to take this oppertunity to thank you for all of your work on WDC. I have made many new friends and written more than I would ever have imagined.
Please, no matter what, don't ever leave the site. You are truly a fantastic person who should be given every thanks possible to give a single person!

Write On!


Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
48
48
Review of My Mother  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is part of CSFS's Dragon Raid.
Hi,

It's Matt again to review another of your pieces.

The content of the poem was very good. I'm sure the mother of the Irishman in question would be very pleased and slightly emabarrassed (in a nice way) to have this limerick written for and read to her.

I know it's not a normal limerick in that it's not supposed to be really funny (think There once was a man from Nantucket style), but I didn't get the lively feel I would normally get from a limerick. It didn't quite read like a limerick, in that it didn't jump up and down and skip from word to word. It felt more like a normal poem, which isn't a bad thing, just not what I think you were aiming for.

I didn't dislike it, I just didn't get the feel I was expecting from a limerick. Other than that I thought the words and rhymes were good.

Write On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
49
49
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This review is part of CSFS's Dragon Raid.
Hi,

Well, what can I say other than wow! Sonnets are hard to right and I've checked your syllables and they are perfect. The sonnet's content was sublime and the images it cast were amazing. Not only have you done the hard task of getting the metre right, you've also achieved a perfect rhyme scheme. NO half-rhymes or rhymes which only work if read in a certain way. You have truly captured the irish feel you were striving for and I must say that I am very pleased to have read this piece.

Write On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
50
50
Review of Indebted  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is part of CSFS's Dragon Raid.
Hi,

Of your works, this is my favorite yet. The flow is great as is your rhyming. It's a lovely poem, an ode to your parents in a poetic form.

I don't know why, but I thought stanza 3 stuck a little. It was almost as if I was tripping over the word when reading lines 2 and 3 of the stanza. There seemed to be too many syllables in the lines.

I would reccomend rating it ASR possibly, it's not offensive, but it does mention the word die in the first stanza. Great work!

Write On!

Please be aware that these opinions are simply opinions and you may or may not agree with them. If you have any discrepancies with my review or if you would like to ask me about my comments please do not hesitate to email me and ask.

Thanks
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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"The Magician's Song"  13+: On indefinite hiatus. Thrown into a world of magic Nathan must deal with the unknown!

"The Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society" 
"Invalid Item" 
"Help Me Get Published" 
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