I picked up the link for this story on the Request Review Page. You humble plea for help with the description drew me in. I think the plea was somewhat disingenuous. Your description is very good. This part grabbed me, instantly, They were but insignificant yellow specks against the great blackness of space; lost souls trapped in some deep, dark infinity. He always liked to watch the fighters being deployed, they were beautiful to him. Although they were weapons and were responsible for the deaths of millions, they were beautiful from afar. He knew each one was over a hundred feet tall and over thirty tons in weight, but he felt as if he could hold them all within the palm of his hand.
This is a long piece to review in great depth, but I will do my best.
Suggestions
In the supervisor’s chair, which was levitated to oversee the workers, there sat the supervisor. this could be smoothed out to something like, The supervisor was sitting in his chair, which was elevated so that he could oversee the workers.
He quickly scurried past people ... you don't need "quickly" here. "Scurried" says it all.
This needs tidying up a bit: He continued down the hallway, the files still in hand, causing similar scenes to occur. In his haste, he ignored the distant cries of a person after their now stolen files. try, As he continued down the hallway, stray files now in his hand, he collided with more burdened personnel. His haste was such that he ignored the indignant cries of those who's files he had mistakenly gathered up with his own. I know it is more wordy, but it does explain the situation a little more clearly.
The glass was part of a large water filled container and behind it was a young woman. I don't normally correct other people's punctuation because I'm no expert myself. There are also differences between American and British conventions. My suggestion here, is that you need commas, The glass was part of a large, water- filled container and behind it,was a young woman. Some might say that you need a comma after "container" because "and" is a conjunction but in British convention this is not necessary.
This was a direct contrast to the faces of the passer byers. Eeuch! "Passer byers"? No, you can't leave that like that  . Try, This was a direct contrast to the faces of the those who passed him by.
a slightly less majestic title. maybe "evocative" would be better than "majestic".
...unnaturally clean city that new no up or down... Spelling error: knew
future generations could awe in its beauty, awe is a noun and cannot be used as a verb in this way.
As soon as Mr. Finch walked inside, he was in awe at the lab. another awe related quibble; this is actually fine, but dont you think something like, ...he was awe-struck by the (size/complexity) of the lab. sounds better?
“Mostly it’s weapon building, but occasionally, I get to build- inverted commas missed at the end of this speech. Same problem here, “she’s the AR1, but-. and here, “Then you don’t get any information either.Here's another little speech mark problem, “I can’t he said,” but his words were drown out by the music. You need to check thoroughly for these type of errors. I cannot guarantee to spot them all.
Vic quickly left the lab and turned down the hall toward the transporter while Lucy, followed close behind. this could be neater: Vic marched from the lab. He turned down the hall, toward the transporter with Lucy, following close behind.
through the drunkard through the air  threw the drunkard...
He quickly pushed his way through the crowd, then through the mass of moving people he saw Lucy’s fist fly back Too many throughs, but spelt correctly this time .
“I hate cautiousness.... caution.
grinning with a very aged smile. I think you can dispense with "very" here.
I don't think the descriptions of the generals is necessary. You could give brief descriptions as you develop the scene but setting it all out in separate paragraphs is dull and not in keeping with your otherwise sophisticated style. Their names are silly too. How about, Generals Hudson, Young and Brierley, for arguments sake. That sounds more random.
It was said that he never hesitated, flinched, or showed any emotional restraint when Do you mean this? I suspect, though I may be wrong, that you mean he showed no emotions. Therefore he had ultimate emotional restraint.
somewhat of a discontented expression on her face. a somewhat discontented expression on her face.
expecting the supervisor to lower own upon him expecting the supervisor to lower down upon him
She lied on the floor, crying, her hand still outstretched toward the transporter. She lay on the floor, crying, ....
confused at her surroundings as she saw it were no longer in space. was
the nun runs away and finds a marriage and the scientist dies... oasis
I think this is a great story that kept me interested throughout. I have never reviewed such a long piece for writing.com and it is a credit to your writing that I kept with it.
As is so often the case, the ending disappointed me. Stories have to belong to the writer, but I wanted so many other endings to the one we got. I don't agree with the philosophy of it. I agree that for bad men to succeed it only takes good men to do nothing; but I have difficulty with the concepts of good and evil as a simple metaphor. Self preservation is the over-riding force within all living creatures and your creatures, advanced as they are, are denied this.
I cannot take away from the expert story-telling here though, and wish you luck in seeking a publisher.
Mavis Moog
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