This is funny and I hope it is true. It would be great to hear the McCrew belting these songs out.
I haven't given this piece a huge star-rating, not because it is poor (3.5 is above average) but because it is simple and not particularly imaginative; that is not a criticism in the way it would be about a story or a poem; it does not have to be complicated or startlingly full of immagery. I think it is fine for what it is a fun account of silly songs.
I would like to see a soulful spiritual being set to a McDonald's theme. This would be poignant as well as satirical.
This excellent poem really reminded me of being separated from my husband. I would send messages into the ether, he would say later that sometimes he would feel a warm glow and think it was one of my love waves reaching him. Aaah, how sweet, - but that is how we feel when we are so deeply and freshly in love.
I love the repetition of, "That is me so many miles away." it really captured the essence of this poem.
I felt that this piece was written staright from the heart. Well done. It is mostly very clear and frank.
"They make me feel very alone and misunderstood." this simple sentence is expressive and accuarate.
There are some little adjustmants that I would recommend; " ...does not blink an eyelid when there are bombs bursting into infernos?" where is the support for this? There has been much protest and disgust about bombing. Maybe you need a different comparison here.
"...And no, sorry mama, but I rather not give you a good daughter – in law." this needs a little correction, "I'd". Are you sure this sentence helps your argument. It makes you sound peevish, which at that time, I suppose you had every right to be, but maybe you need to point out how much your mother's ambitions were opposed to your own in a more reasoning way, such as, If only mama could bring herself to welcome a good son-in-law as happily as she would welcome a daughter-in-law.
This is a story that must be very close to some people's experience and Hurricane Frances is heading for Florida as I write. I know it is a terrible experience, I lived through some mighty typhoons in my time.
This story captures some of the horror, a pole of a street sign had been rammed into the back of his head and was sticking out of his right eye. but sometimes your choice of language is too tame, for example, The sounds were too great for her. maybe you could give more detail about the sounds; and She sat there only a moment, when she decided to try and clean things up. this woman has just lost her child and husband. Do you not think tidying up would be fairly low priority?
I think you could make this tale much more vivid and maybe conclude it in a way which registers the experience on the characters more strongly.
These are just my thoughts, I hope they are of some use to you.
I think this is very vividly written. It describes the horror of guilt very clearly.
There are some spelling errors but nothing too bad, "I can feel there looks of pity." needs to be their. "As it repeats its self I watch myself..." needs to be one word, itself.
I would alter the expression here, "...the flowery smelling air turns..." maybe, "... the flower-scented air..."
Welcome to writing.com and I hope this is of some use to you.
This is an interesting and startling story. I think the use of religion is insightful and meaningful.
I am a little concerned about the originality, maybe regular sci-fi readers will help out here, but I seem to remember a similar story about veils removing different sections of society and life. It was called the Veils of...something. It's probably nothing like but it is worth checking it out if al all possible from my sketchy reference.
I recognise good characterisation and careful story-telling in this work. The humour is light and lifts the story from allegory to fun.
The following are specific notes:
" trusty old maroon Oldsmobile" consider removing "old" to avoid the obvious repetition.
"While the television prognosticators ..." this just might be a matter of taste but do you really have to use this word, .prognosticators ? How about "pundits"?
"...my thoughts of Revelation frittered away." I think frittered is incorrectly used here. You could use, "fluttered". Fritter means to squander.
"The rest of the day is uneventful....." Why do you change to present tense here? It is generally wise, not to flit between tenses unless you are trying to get a particular effect, I cannot see such an effect here.
"The prognosticators are utterly discombobulated." now here, I appreciate the use of "prognosticators" because it goes with "discombobulated" to make a humourous sentence.
The only reason you may ot have had as many people read this as it deserves is because of its length. Some people just don't have the time. I would recommend that if you read nothing else all week, read this. It is excellent.
You are a genuinely gifted writer, Evolvist. The language of this stroy is absolutely priceless. I have given a few choice quotes below. The characterisation is second to none. The scene setting and development of the story is magnificent. You really must get this published.
Here are some close analysis points:
" the events that happened in the years following 1957:" this could be modified: "the events of the years following 1957."
"white-bread laborers that somehow trickled down from Birmingham’s upper crust." I loved this phrase the resonance of "white-bread" and "upper crust" is apt and humourous.
"the result was an almost razor-thin board of cotton that would sound like a sack of snakes if you peeled it apart." another corker of a line.
"Wally Miller had a special area of the diner partitioned off just for the black inhabitants of Owensboro." I think this sentence is redundant.
" I had a dream. But somebody out there had one greater." very well-balanced touch; a subtle but not cryptic reference to MLK.
"...eyes were so far rolled up in his head that you would’ve thought he’d left his pupils outside in the snow." great imagery.
A great dark story. The description of the starnge man was excellent.
I don't know if this will bother you but I knew what little Henry was assembling by this line: Little Henry deftly inserted a spring. Even though I was expecting the ending, I enjoyed the telling of this tale.
I don't really know how you can make it more of a shocker. Maybe there could be Lego pieces all over the floor. The strange man could make a nasty comment about all the kid's f**king toys scattered all over the place. This might be enough of a red herring to throw us off the scent a bit.
This is a superb story very well written. I could hear the Scots accent throughout it.
The incidents are graphically described and I was there in the trenches as an eyewitness to all that you show us. Excellent description, characterisation and plot.
My only complaint is that the final paragraphs take a little from the authenticity of the story. I wondered why this particular kitten would be called Karl. Had he named all kittens since 1918, Karl? It is a little corny and could do with losing, if you ask me. I would end the story in the trenches.
Here are some technical notes:
"...a Hun who played the clarinet, so mellow and pure, that the notes would dance on your heart as dust motes in a beam of light." I love the imagery here.
"...I am sure that many men remember that moment, whether they be alive or dead now to tell it." this is a bit awkward. I would replace the last clause with , "...if they are still alive."
"...previous Summer,..." seasons do not have capital initial letters.
"For the masks we wear are not what we are, but merely a reflection of what we used to be—or rather want to be." if you mean "want to be" lose "used to be".
"...unsullied glimpse of an gentler species..." typo alert!
That's not many errors in such a long story. There may be others lurking in the rich tapestry, I am not a copy editor, but those were all I could find.
Welcome to writing.com, your talent will be appreciated amongst these ranks. Please post your bio block soon. It is very interesting to put work in context.
This is a great piece of writing. The style and detail were excellent. Characterisation was good, especially of Helen and Joseph. The plot was well organised, if a tad predictable.
There are some errors, that won't show on spellcheck, you need to go through it with a fine-tooth comb, just things like "to" instead of "the" and occasional missed words. It did not spoil my reading of it.
For anyone who likes gangster fiction, this story is a must. Well done.
This is a charming sentiment that any girl would be pleased to feel she had inspired. It is gentle and non-treatening and as a cautious overture it works well.
There are parts of the poem that you may want to omit if you ever really did want the girl to read it. "You are the reason I want to live again." would flash alarm bells for many young women. It puts too much responsibility on the object of your love and makes you sound depressive. You may be depressive but it is not always good to advertise the fact. Also, if you are young, the depression of adolescence is not a character trait but a phase.
There are quite a few punctuation and grammar improvements you could make. I am not a stickler for punctuation but a few commas would help the reading of this poem. Here are a few corrections that could be made.
"And I feel like, around you, I could really win."
"...I had to find a way to go."
"I'm just left, missing you..."
"... that I could ever forget.."
I enjoyed this story and read eagerly to the end. It is not a genre I read very much, nowadays but I used to be a big fan of Brian Aldiss and Arthur C. Clark.
I like the implication of criticism of our modern attitudes to embargo and drug distribution. This is sci-fi with a conscience.
I spotted one speling error, not that I was looking for them; at one point, and I can't find it now, you spell bowels as bowls.
This is well written and interesting. The cruelty of the protagonist is believable because you give reasons for it. You offer an understanding of his disfunctional behaviour. This makes good character development.
Good, mature writing of this nature, belies the category of "romance/relationship".
The only tiny complaint I have is "emerald eyes". It is a very unusual colour for eyes and jars somewhat in this realistically described story.
The only reason that I have not given this piece 5 stars is because I will save 5 stars for a story, as good as this one but, with greater plot development.
I read some of your other work, after reading "A Normal Day Indeed" and before writing this review.
I was looking for clues. This is not a good sign. I wanted to discover how real this story was. There are some inconsistencies in the telling of the story which made me wonder about its authority.
Firsly, Easa is described as silent until he is four years old. He then acquires the nickname of zippy because he was always chattering. This needed some clarification.
It only becomes obvious that you are an older sibling of Easa quite late in the story. This is surprising because you have been writing in a past tense, omniscient point of view. You cannot really tell the reader about Easa's inner thoughts if you are another character in the story. Easa's inner thoughts, as a four year old, are too sophisticated. "The boy fails to see how faith can mean little more that believing in God or denying his existence." This is far too lucid a phrase for a four year old.
You continue the story in the present tense, sometimes lapsing back into past tense. These tense switches must be avoided. They cause confusion.
The mustard gas threat was very subtly handled. I did wonder, though, about how the child would have seen the gas and not have been killed by it. Did he have a mask? How did he know what it looked like if he hadn't experienced it? Death by mustard gas is graphically described in "Dulce Est Decorum Est.." by Wifred Owen. Your mention of numbness, hardly seemed adequate.
The death of the parents is shocking and, yet it seems to be dealt with in a fatalistic manner. Again, how did the older brother (the point of view) obtain the image of his father killing himself? I felt that the drama and tragedy could have been more explicit; this would have made it more credible.
The final denouement, revealing the taboo of incest seemed gratuitous. It was an important factor in the story but it seemed to be an after-thought. It would have been better to bring it into the story earlier, maybe during the rose-cutting scene.
Generally I found this story to be a serious attempt to describe the horrors of the Iraqi-Iraninan conflict on a very personal level. It deserves praise for its handling of a difficult subject. More care over the technicalities of story-telling would have improved the effect.
Finally, if this is written from any level of personal experience, my heart goes out to you. I wish you luck in all you do.
I'd like to hear the tune for this one. It is definitely a lyric.
This is an expression of the perennial complaint, "She wants to change me." Damn right she does. Only an arrogant man would think he doesn't need changing; and if he was arrogant, that in itself, would be something that needs changing.
I love this song. It would sell a trillion sung by Tina Turner or Shania Twain. Good work.
This is a good story and with, just a few reservations, it is well written.
The first two paragraphs are rushed and need more sensitive writing or omitting. It is not good style to tell rather than show, as I am always being reminded by reviewers, myself.
The main body of the story is excellent. You then return to the quick-fix school of story telling in the paragraph after the crash. Normal service is resumed until the final paragraph. So that is four paragraphs I did not like and the rest was great.
I would concentrate on these areas and try to improve the flow.
One other thing; do kids really talk to each other in the way you describe in America? I'm British and if someone called me a "dumb-ass" and a "stupid bitch" I'd walk away and never acknowledge their presence again. Even as teenagers we speak to each other, far more respectfully than that. It would be an unforgivable insult to use such epithets against anyone. Just as a matter of interest, is this realistic?
I like your writing and story-telling skills. Thank you.
Funny story. I hope the Captain let him off for the laugh he had given him. Humour is a powerful tool of bonding.
I was shocked that officers would behave like this. In the British army, the officers are gentlemen (on the surface, anyway) and are not required to bully the recruits, that is the job of NCOs.
This was interesting and well written. There are some punctuation points, which I do not normally go into but if you don't mind: you should separate a series of adjectives with commas. eg; "...white, two-stor(e)y, wooden buildings..." "...highly-polished, maroon-colored..."
I couldn't help casting Eddy Murphy in the role of Elliot, in my mind's eye.
The story is great. I know you explain that it was an e-mail but it wouldn't take you too long to edit it and make it easier to read. Go on, you know you want to.
I think you have the natural story-tellers talent. You give just enough detail, suspense and internalising. Very well done.
When my husband comes in, I say,
"Shhh, I'm writing / reading." so this poem made me stop and think about giving him a little more time. Just a little, I don't want him to become narcissistic.
Seriously, this is a charming poem. One slight inaccuracy in the penultimate line: "relish in the smile..." should be "revel in..." or keep "relish" and remove "in". I would quite like, "bask in the smile on his face." or even, to make a sexy pun try, "basque in the smile on his face."
I'm sorry, I appear to be in a flippant mood today.
I'm afraid this is not my taste. I don't think it is bad but it is not great. Hence the average rating.
I could not identify with the protagonist. Even comedy needs to have an element of pathos so that the reader cares about it. The very short sentences make for a crisp pace but more explanation and description is needed.
This would probably appeal to some readers and so I do not want to put people off. You may get rave reviews from a different sort of reader. I think it will be enjoyed by the sort of people who like Beavis and Butthead, which has a huge audience.
One error, I must point out, is in the second chapter. You mention a tank of water and then, suddenly it has no water in it. Mistakes like this detract from the humour, because they seem lazy.
Do not be discouraged. You admit that it is not a serious literary effort. I think comedy should be taken seriously. Maybe my problem with this, is just my problem.
I will read some of your other work and discover what you are capable of.
This story left me feeling despondent. We, in Britain, always used to say that American movies had to have happy endings. I suspect the American film-makers heard this and started making movies with ambiguous or pessimistic endings.
This story needs some resolution to pacify my nervous nature. After all, in life, something would happen. Sharon would not get away with it for ever. I believe that a short story should be a window and not a panorama. So I argue against my own point.
What are you saying about marriage, fidelity and the two sexes? The message I got from the story was that men are stupid to blame a woman's displeasure of PMS.
Thanks for the thoughts this story provoked.
Best wishes
Mavis Moog
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