Who would not like this song? The sweetest songs are those that rise on their in the heart as a wail or pain or longing, moisten the eyes and get transformed, almost automatically, into words. Those are the words that endure long after the event that brought them forth.
It is a beautiful song indeed. It has got to be beautiful because the lyrics were written not on a computer key board sitting coffee at midnight in the cozy comfort of home, probably for a contest, but came spontaneously to mind as an urge inspired by nature and the "forty shades of green".
Real poetry is not created. It springs forth and is written down from the welling sprout.
It is a beautiful poem. A good poem recreates the scene, the memories, the past, the thoughts and feelings. Your poem does that in ample measure. And, leaves a longing in the heart.
It is an interesting poem written in easy style, using short lines and simple words, presented in good rhyme. At a deeper level, there is a message about child psychology also.
In Hindu ancient scriptures, there is a famous story about King Janak regarding how he wondered about a dream he had and how a sage, aged 12 years, satisfied his curiosity.
"Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back! Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart but if it doesn't, be content to know that it grew in yours."
"Perhaps God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift".
SUGGESTION--
closer to me then a friend; one I can share my inner most feelings intimately with, someone
>> closer to me than a friend; one I can share my innermost feelings intimately with, someone
This is rather an intriguing story. You have just written the initial part. I am sure you have a plot in your mind. I would have thought it worthwhile to write the whole story yourself as per the plot in your scheme of things. It may not be easy for others to add interactive pieces to a story which says something like--'When my father created your father'.........'both our fathers are no more'...........and, also talk of a third Father. If others add their pieces, it is unlikely to follow the plot that you have probably already thought of.
***
The following is hazy in meaning / grammar--
" I’m not going to make you be on my side, but I to your father in the world above that you’ll come to me when I feel I need you most.”
Teens found even the minimum wage jobs traditionally their niche, being swept up by desperate adult professionals
>> This is a good description of the hard times. BTW, should be--
Teens found even the minimum wage jobs, traditionally their niche, being swept up by desperate adult professionals
****
As accepting as the Brawer family had always been of her, it had only taken a chance encounter between her mother and his to fan the flames and remind Jude she didn't belong.
>> Pretty interesting. A good reminder that some things never change, whether across millennia or cultures or the type of socio- political regimes.
***
Garrett traced a finger intently over the Impala’s raised SS logo, seemingly no more sure of how to say goodbye then he was.
You have used a new poetry form and have stuck to the rules well. The message, though a bit subtle, comes out clearly. There are no mistakes. A distinct rhythm is palpable (it has to be, this being a poem structured as per defined rhyme and meter).
It is a nice poem. I think punctuation would increase its comprehensibility, in the process, also, automatically, improve certain expressions that are a bit hazy. It would, hopefully, improve the rhythm also.
In the heights of my imagination
deep within the heart of my core
>> It would look better as--
In the heights of my imagination
deep within the core of my heart
I have to tread with timidity when rating lower a poem rated 4.5 by eight viewers.
This is an unusual poem. Imagination is essential to poetry. Here the situation imagined is--
Sun loves the sky.
Clouds cover up the sun and steal it away from the sky.
Sky cries tears of pain, deprivation and anguish.
The tears fall down as rain. [Rain is perceived by the poet as tears].
Despite the right of the poet to imagine the unimaginable, lay thinking and common sense come in the way of perceiving the rain drops coming not from the clouds but from the sky. As a matter of fact, viewing the clouds as different from the sky and regarding the two as rivals, presents its own challenge to mental comprehension.
Then, there is the little matter of grammatical obscurity--
Rain patters and splatters on my table,
Pelt down their catharsis of agony,
>> What is the noun for which 'their' has been used? It just does not fit.
It is a pleasure to read this poem. It is not merely the story of a forlorn heart, with a happy ending. The cause behind that folorn-ness is touching. The man was blind and no one bothered to give him or his feelings a thought.
It is so uncommon to come across poems written for the underdog, the deprived, the poor, the weak, the unfortunate that your poem comes as a pleasant exception.
I can't admire it enough. This is almost a perfect story. Brings to my mind immediately the description of OUB (Out of Body) experience described by Dr. Raymond Mody, MD, PhD, in his once best seller--Life after life.
You have brought out beautifully the various aspects of love--filial love, man-woman love, spiritual love.
It is a nice poem. However, the idea of meditation does not come out well here. Meditation is much more than certain breathing exercises. Breath control through Pranayam is just a technique to enter meditational state. It is not a must. Intensely spiritual persons can achieve a state of meditation almost at will.
It is a nice tribute to your mentor. You seem to be fond of 5-7-5 form and that's fine. The classical haiku has usually something to do with nature. In any case, one can always argue that you were telling us about the nature of your mentor:)
These are beautiful thoughts that come from a sincere heart in a simple manner, without any mistakes of language, without much poetic affect, or without obvious effort at the semblance of bringing in some flow by any of the well known devices like rhyme or meter.
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