It is a nice poem. Moreover, it does give a memorable saying--“You’re five steps ahead and three of them are wrong.”--which can be fruitfully used to convey the unique idea it portrays.
It seems to be a nice poem, having been rated 4.5 by 10 viewers. I am not able to fully appreciate it. My task is rendered a bit difficult because of what, to me, are grammatical inconsistencies:
Darkness creeps, she leaves me empty
A temptress, disregarding sin
Alone with dreams my mind lent me
I wait till she awakes again.
***
In the above,
--The first three lines have obvious grammatical flaw as regards verb usage;
--There is inexplicable mix up of tense, present and past.
It is a nice poem about grandmothers. I am reminded of this: "God could not be everywhere. So, he created mothers.
I think this must be doubly true of grandmothers.
You have done well to focus on grandmothers. This is all the more needed in nuclear societies where even mothers are relegated to oblivion when the offspring is a mature adult. Grandmothers are pushed farther back--into old age homes.
It is a very good and original poem with excellent imagery and thoughts. The only drawback is that while you have written it in 8-6-8-6 syllabic pattern, you have faulted in stanzas 3 and 4, where there are lines with 7 and 5 syllables. I am sure you can easily fix it.
You have managed to describe here the routine task of child rearing in a very artful, simple, realistic manner. Your poetic skills are really admirable. It is not for nothing that it has an average rating of 5 stars by 33 viewers already!
This is truly a beautiful poem that expresses the feelings of a lover when faced with another who has problem understanding the former's feelings--a situation as old as the Adam and Eve. Even though the theme is old, the manner of presentation is unique. And, that is what poetry is all about.
It is a nice expression of love. However, I found it to be rather too short. Also, I think there is a scope for increasing its flow. It is certainly above-average.
It is a good poem, in simple words, telling about the search for God, his telling the seeker that he is always with him, and to remind him to look in his heart. A common theme,put in common, simple words,to great effect.
It is a good poem in sestina form, sticking well to the prescribed requirements and bringing out the emotions well.
I have a feeling that the punctuation in the following is a bit flawed--
But why did you make a mockery of my love?
And burden me with unimaginable pain,
for deeper than the ocean I loved you,
and made you the princess of my dreams.
Didn't you feel a bit of the agony in my heart?
>>>
But why did you make a mockery of my love
And burden me with unimaginable pain,
for deeper than the ocean I loved you,
and made you the princess of my dreams?
Didn't you feel a bit of the agony in my heart?
It is a good poem. It presents very strongly the urge to break and run free from a life of bondage and imprisonment. The message comes loud and clear and effectively.
This poem is a work of art and beauty that captures not only the serene uniqueness of the blossom and the petals and the sunset but also probes deeper into their functions in nature and even the ecology with the introduction of insects and bees.
It is a nice poem with a unique,new and, may I say, a powerful theme, even though it is a satire. The last stanza is cutting and quite sarcastic, rightly so.
the ending lines are great--
For a woman’s only
Woman when the Woman
Is undone.
**
Don't run from enslaved
Housemaid to pregnant in the fall
I have not read it except for the first few sentences. I wanted to read it but just could not. I found it unreadable. Why? Because of your style. I will just illustrate it by picking on a single sentence--
im a highschool, going threw a lot of things. i've got my friends, my family, and my dancing. seems great right? WRONG.
>>>
I am a high school student, going through a lot of things. I have got my friends, family and my dancing. Seems great, right? WRONG.
****
In spite of the above,I am rating it above average because your style tells me it is a great story. It just needs to be properly presented. There is no substitute for language skills.
Rallying of tribal bands
Obliteration of Indians sought
Seventh Cavalry out to destroy
Every Native American present
But Crazy Horse rounded up neighboring tribes
Under the great chief’s lead, victory was obtained
Death coming to numerous in a battle unwanted
>>
Rallying of tribal bands
Killing of the Indians sought
Along with that of their thought
Seventh Cavalry out to destroy
Every Native American present
But Crazy Horse rounded up neighboring tribes
Under the great chief’s lead, victory was obtained
Death coming to numerous in a battle unwanted
NOTE--This is not an amendment to the poem.It is very good already. It is just an addition of thought. I feel strongly about the near annihilation of this race in USA. There could be no parallel in history of how a "Phoenix" arose from the ashes of the dead. And, the new "Phoenix" did not have to say so much as a sorry to the dead.
It is a good story. ou have done well togive at the end the reason for taking off the clothes. ou have not done so well as regards language. There are many mistakes.Some are indicated below--
*****************************
They didn't know what they didn't know and were intent on having and good time and did.
>>having a good time
***
They'd brought very few lures and the vicissitudes of catching lunches and dinners was hard on the number they did have
>> grammaticall faulty
***
When the last lure went they way of most lures
***
As he contemplated the state of the world and it's contents
>> its
***
About the time of Phil located the twisty at the bottom of the lake
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