I really liked this. It has a wonderful thought, that I wish were truth, too. I did find the 2 line stanza in the middle sort of jarring, as it was the only one. You seemed to be following a pattern, then inserted the 2 lines by themselves. It made the rhythm seem interrupted.
What an excellent way to show the world that war is not just good against evil. There are good, innocent, in any country that suffer because of the evil. War is unfair. War hurts. Yet, sometimes, it seems, war is necessary. However, this poem helps us to see that the innocent suffer along with the guilty; not just the enemy's children, but our children as well. A very eye-opening poem.
Evelyn
You have used an excellent rhyme scheme. The meter was a little choppy in places, but not to the point of interfering with reading. I am not sure what is happening, but have a vague idea. You will certainly be in my thoughts. I hope the best for you. The poem seems very heartfelt, with an issue that is obviously very close to your heart.
Evelyn
This is excellent. I love the way you repeated the "time to...." refrain. Makes it almost like a song. I did find it a bit depressing, but I suppose that has to be when one addresses such an issue. I do feel we have to look at the hope side of it, too.
Your rhyme scheme and meter are excellent.
You paint very vivid pictures with your words when you talk about lives being shattered, and no way to count. I especially like the line about screams, then silence. That is the way it seemed to be all over, not just at the Trade Center. First came outrage and "screaming," then silence in the wake of so much devastation.
This is a really neat poem. I can just imagine it as a children's picture book. You words are so picturesque. I can see a beautiful childrens book with vivid colors, or maybe in watercolor with vivid but watery color.
The only thing I saw that might be an error was the 2nd and 4th lines of the last stanza. You used close and clothes, which do not rhyme, but are the exact same word (pronunciation). It would be more effective to chose rhyming words here.
This is good. You had a great rhyme scheme- abab- in the first stanza, but missed a little with you last two lines in the 2nd stanza. Kiss and missed done exactly rhyme - need to have an -ed on kiss or change the last line to be able to use miss.
I really liked the last line. I chuckled as I pictured you almost missing.
Keep writing and you will get much better, believe me.
What I especially liked:
This is good, though it did get a little confusing in places. It was hard to know which person was "on stage," the maiden or the storyteller. I had to reread it several times in places. This slowed the pace of the story down.
Format:
Paragraph length is fine. There were several places where a beginning quotation mark was used, but no closing one. Also, in a couple of places I wasn't sure if the quote was to indicate the storyteller's words or someone else's.
Content:
There is a good start to a plot. It is moving along. The pace seems a little slow, maybe causing a loss of interest. Maybe you could introduce the knock sooner, withholding some of the description till later.
Grammar/spelling/punctuation:
I noted a couple of what appeared to be errors. I have copied them below.
The children were all gasping and craning their necks to see more, though did not move an inch from their seats (add the word they after though)
A golden medallion hung on a chain around her neck, clutching tightly to her throat." (How can a medallion clutch anything? Maybe find a different word)
The maiden appeared and all the children gasped. She was a beauty. The storyteller smiled. (This is a little confusing. Maybe indicate that the storyteller caused the maiden to appear in person, or make some mention of the fact that she "materialized." It took me several passes to understand this.)
What I would change or what I did not like:
I would like to see the story action move a little faster, without so much description. Also, it is a little confusing with the unusual appearances. i would like to see that explained better.
Overall impression:
Oveall, I really like this. It reads like an old folktale. I would love to read the rest of it.
Evelyn
This piece has very vivid language. It reads smoothly. The emotion is very intense. You tell the reader what you want and how badly.
I would like to have seen some paragraph divisions or something. It looks like a chunk with only one thought. It sort of is only one thought, to get the person you want. Yet, there are subthoughts that could divide it for more visual appeal and easier reading.
Other than the above, it is great. The spelling and grammar are correct.
Evelyn
This is really good. I can definitely get the message. Though I am not black, I can hear the frustration and sorrow in this poem. I have often talked with my students about the same subject and seen in them just what you are talking about here.
I really got into this poem, and feel the passion it expresses.
There are no grammar,spelling, or punctuation errors, except, of course, the intentional ones.
The only suggestion I would have would be to divide it into stanzas for easier reading. Find where a thought ends and make a stanza break there. I wouldn't worry so much about whether the stanzas all had the same number of lines. This type poem is conducive to that. I would just divide thoughts. IT is a little hard to read all together like this.
This is an excellent poem, and I really enjoyed it.
Evelyn
I love this. It so vividly and accurately depicts the ravages of this disease. I also like the way you decide to remember her the way she was before.
My grandmother, who raised me, had alzheimers. It is devastating what it does, but my grandmother, like Miss Alice, held one thing that never went away.
This piece holds a hope in that the person can be remembered as they were.
Thanks for so poignant a view into a devastating illness.
Evelyn
It is a very interesting story, fast paced and enticing. It started off very strong.
Format:
The paragraphs should either be indented or spaced one line between each one. It is hard to read otherwise. The dialogue got a little monotonous at the end. However, it was easy to tell who was talking.
Content:
It started out very interesting and exciting. However, at the end, with all the dialogue, it got a little slow. Maybe intersperse the dialogue with action.
Grammar/spelling/punctuation:
I noted only two errors. They are below:
My mother was holding me concern and fright in her eyes as she stroked my face. (Should have comma after me)
she hadn’t laugh much during the past few (Should be laughed)
What I would change or what I did not like:
I would like to see the action that it started out with continue throughout. It got a little bogged down. Of course, it is hard to tell in this short an excerpt.
Overall impression:
I think this could be a very good, action-packed story. You have a good start. This is a good piece overall.
Evelyn
This is a good story, but if it is written for children, I think it is inappropriate. It seems to be written in child-like language, which is effective since it appears a child is telling a story. However, I would not recommend it for any child to read.
I enjoyed it, as an adult. It is well-written. Your character, Jackie, is well-developed.
I noted only one grammatical error:
"at sea. glare. Small ships"
I am not sure what you meant there, but glare seems to be missplaced.
Evelyn
Your rhyme scheme and refrains are exactly correct.
I love the line about hot tears washing away the memories of love. I can see the correlation, because hot tears really do erase the feelings of love sometimes.
You have written an excellent poem that speaks a true thought.
This is good. Your pride in being Irish shows through, as does your wish to retain Ireland in your soul.
The only thing that really hit me wrong about this poem was ending a line in the middle of a sentence. It is sort of 'jarring' because you expect it to be the end of the sentence. At least, end it at a phrase where a comma might be appropriate. It stops your thought when to end a line, and that stops the flow of reading.
This sounds very enticing. I love the way you have given the background of how the idea got started.
I don't know if this is what you wanted here, but I have some experience.
I have been foster parent to 31 children, and adoptive to 4 special needs (and special) children. I can probably give you some ideas.
One child I have that no one wanted when he was an infant (and probably still wouldn't, at age 15) is a child born addicted to drugs and medically fragile. He also came from a long line of family with mental illenss, and he has a mental illness. He is VERY challenging, and if I didn't love him immensely, I don't think I could tolerate it.
I also have another child who has autism. It is so difficult to bond to a child with autism that many parents never are able to, and end up abandoning them when things get bad.
Again, you have done an excellent job. I love the humor. I have seen several places with such a sign.
You have very vividly described the diner. I could see and smell atmosphere of that old diner. I even recognized the waitress in the blue dress, as I did the cook with no shirt.
You really took us back to that place with your description. An excellent job.
Evelyn
The meter is off in this poem. That makes it hard to read. Count your syllables and have some sort of pattern. If you are writing a particular poem, learn what meter it has. If not, just make sure the meter matches. For instance, if you use 7 syllables in the second line of the first stanza, try to do that in the 2nd line of the 2nd stanza. Also, it makes for easier reading if there is not just 1 syllable difference between any 2 adjacent lines, usually.
Evelyn
This is good. I do think there is too many undertones of other authors. I think you need to find your own voice. I really like when it shines through. You have a unique voice.
I would love to see the other tales that will follow. Just be sure to use your own voice and not borrow too much from someone else. I am not saying you are copying words, just that you are letting what you have read overshadow how YOU write.
This is near-perfect. It really captures the thoughts and feelings of a foster. I know. I was one of those foster mothers who suffered through just what you described. You have captured the feelings of the mother, but at the same time shown the feelings of the children. That is hard to do, since your didn't use their POV at all. Excellent job.
There were a couple of forced rhymes (oughta' and daughter) and a word or two that didn't seem to fit (ignorance you’d a covering immunity). Other that that, it was great. In the first, I understand that certain areas of the country rhyme daughter and oughta', but think it would be better to use a more universal approach (just my opinion). Also, the other line about immunity may be fine. I just had trouble understanding it in the context used.
Evelyn
This piece has good content. It does need so major editing for punctuation and sentence structure. I noted several runon sentences.
This is a good start to discussing self-esteem, but I feel you have only written an introduction. We need more 'meat'. I would like to see you expand this into a longer article or essay.
Evelyn
Welcome to Writing.com. This is a very heartfelt piece. It is good. The only thing that I seen needing work is the 3rd and 4th lines were a little long, compared to the others. The 3rd line read okay, but the 4th was hard to read due to change in rhythm.
This is a sweet story, very well done. There is not one thing I would change, except maybe tell us more of what you did at the party. That is not important, I guess, but I found myself wanting to know how the evening finally turned out.
You have done a great job of sharing the frustration of the position you were in, as well as the care and concern of your family. It is a great little story.
Evelyn
This is a very cute piece. I could just see Possy in my mind. The account of the pots and pans was very realistic. I could just picture it. I do that with my son, to keep things away he is not supposed to have. I could just picture it.
There were no grammatical, spelling, or punctuation errors that I noted.
The structure of the piece is great. I wouldn't change anything.
Evelyn
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