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Poetry Reviews
9 of 10
I like this poem and think it's great that you honor mothers this way. Sometimes we forget all the little things our own moms do for us and I think you did a great way not in just portraying your own motherly love but also being holistic as well.
I like how the Acrostic forces you to change your style and think differently. the internal rhyming works well in each line and think it would be a great thing to try in your normal poems as well. I often try to use new forms to expand my self further and I find that I do better with the more constraints I put on myself (however, I still shy away from rhyming but I told you I will try it so I will).
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Poetry Reviews
8 of 10
This poem is great because you disregard the horrors of the regular news media for something far much better in making a sick little girl feel better at least for one day.
After I read the first stanza I had to review this poem because I find it degrading that the news loves the horrors of life and that it is all they report. The scandals, the killings, and the fear of world terror beings even the most positive people behind the same door as the pessimistic ones.
Thanks for sharing the laugh of innocence with the worlds lust of horror and violence. Its good to make things better even if it's just for a moment.
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Poetry Reviews
7 of 10
this is a great poem paying homage to your homeland and showing your pride in being an Aussie. It was great how you used the slang and annunciations of your native land but without being too confusing that a person that isn't Australian wouldn't understand it. I think the combination of showing your sprite of your country with your own everyday language to others that aren't a part of that world is a remarkable feet.
I'm also happy that you define the native terms at the bottom of the poem to help people out in understanding the poem. You might want to make the little page notes actually in the poem so that people are informed that the definition is at the bottom of the page. Also, I remember seeing on an item once where you can do a rollover type thing so when you go over a certain word a definition pops up for it, however I have no clue how to do it but I think it would be a cool idea to try for this poem.
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Poetry Reviews
6 of 10
This is a nice interpretation of the road of life which has been used many times in various writings throughout history.
Some suggestions:
"May be a road of bumps and turns -"
how about instead
"A road of many bumps and turns-"
I think this line works a bit better rearranged however when I did this I noticed that the meaning of the line changed to a more pessimistic one and might not fir as well with your style (I think I have a tendency to be more negative than positive).
I have a couple philosophical problems with your poem with some of the words you use because it contradicts what your trying to say.
In the second stanza you mention how the pace is different and sometimes we gain and sometimes we go backwards but, in my eyes there is only a path of journey and the directional path can only be understood in the completion of the persons death to be in any sort of comparison. It may seem grim and morbid but I think that the understanding of death is a better understanding of how we play the game then with the discussion of a life with a friend. I'm not saying friends aren't important because they are just that one life cant be compared to another even though all the paths leave to the certainty of death. then again that's my opinion of the same subject and not yours.
I like the poem and think you did a nice job with it.
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Poetry Reviews
5 of 10
even though I'm a non-God believing creature of this world I like this poem because it speaks to my sociologist mindset. Its interesting in this poem that you and your sister mention "what color did he paint His own face?" why is this interesting? well, it alludes to the point that God painted the childrens faces for any particular reason but simple because He felt like it. However the meaning of that face paining done by God is a choice in how those children want to view it. This brings up the most important thing about race, that it's merely a social perception and creation from are own minds instead of an inherent physical difference that keeps people separate from each other. I mean, in most visions of a higher power they dont see the different race of people as wrong just the ones that follow or do not follow their group.
its a well done poem conceptually but the flow is rather ragged towards the end. But I understand that somethings you rather not change specially when its as sentimental as making a poem with another sibling.
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Poetry Reviews
4 of 10
I think it would work better if you change "cannot" to "can't" the rhythm of that line works better as a contraction.
"Though they try and try some more." I'm not a huge fan of this line and think it could be written better without repeating try as you did. maybe something like "Though they try to win them all." it works a little bit better with the meaning of the line before it.
I like the last line of your poem but I find it to be very optimistic in are society today. I mean, I like your philosophy of the athlete better but I think that the winning and greed of competition goes beyond the realm that you and I wish for. Playing for fun. I guess we can dream on that one.
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Poetry Reviews
3 of 10
this is a nice first attempt at haiku. Your syllable count is right on the dot.
For traditional haikus you usually want a nature them with some sort of message with it that makes you go OHHH and AHHH like your looking at firer works. I'm not saying you're wrong because you didn't do this but just wanted to point it out.
for better understanding of haikus check out "POETRY WRITING" which as a great general description of haikus and other poetry things.
some other things about haikus that I usually stick to is that you want to limit your use of little connecting words. You do this because you only have so many syllables to say something so you must say it with needing the little words in between.
nice attempt though.
I think its worth tying another one, they are great fun and a good thing to branch out to.
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Poetry Reviews
2 of 10
Why I'm reviewing this poem:
this poem is dear to me because I don't rhyme. I have the same problem you have but when I try to make a rhyming poems to fit my subjects, thoughts and styles it always seems to fail and fall straight into frustration.
a few points on some of poems without rhyme:
first of all, I like to break one misconception, that not all non-rhyming poems don't have a meter to them. you can have meter without rhyme because meter is how the words are said around other words and placed in a certain repeating order. In regards to that issue of word order and selection, I've been told many times that my words flow very easily together, but this is mostly do to the fact that I tend to write very slowly and concentrate on every single word instead of the stress of the word being said (its a pain to deal with myself sometimes). Anyway I tend to write a lot of poems without rhyme but with syllable restrictions which I believe help me to appreciate the saying of the syllables of the words instead of the stress of the speech.
some suggestions for this poem:
I don't have many but I think you need to use contractions in this poem. as you already know poetry is meant to be said out loud, when saying things like "I do not understand..." it gets a bit muddy on the tongue which you don't want so you want to say "don't" instead. It changes the point in which your saying the word making that heavy stress sound on that one word.
comments:
I think you should give non-rhyming a chance but try it a different way. Try using verse but without rhyme as in blank verse poetry with a strict form.
And if you try I'll try rhyming so you're not alone in expanding your writing.
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Poetry Reviews
1 of 10
A formatting suggestion:
I think its great how you made this poem into a three part type of thing. Asking your question, Talking about your husband, and then combining the whole idea at the end with your grandson. The only thing is a better distinction could be made of the first two stanzas. I think those stanzas should either be italicized and or you out a line break between the 2nd and 3rd stanza for emphasis.
A few line suggestion:
"A child inherits genes"- for me the rhythm of this line is a pit off you might want another word after "inherits" I was thinking "past" or even "the." It just seems that that line is cut very short. Oh, just got another idea, in the line before this one you have "family traits" you could move the word family in between "inherits family genes"
comments:
I like the philosophical idea of this poem, but not with the predetermination of a name but more for the containing of the name with the creation of yourself and how you live your life.
this is simply hilarious and very true and I need to fine the wife pickup place since I'm a bit lacking in that department.
I think its a great style you have for this story its very Monty Pythonish and executed perfectly.
I kinda want some more from this, maybe if you make the rules a little bit longer, or some of the explanations a bit longer. Call me greedy but I want the full length of all five of my wives however i think I would die quite quickly if I was every in that situation at all.
Thanks for the read and keep up the hilarious stories and I'll keep reading them.
I like your seveniling and find it very fitting for the occasion of memorials day.
Also, I'm very sorry about your friend and think you give him great honer with your poem.
on big change I should suggestion that won't loose much of anything and wont cause a major hassle to edit. I think you should switch the first to stanzas order. right now the way in which you have it the ending line does not seem to be a shock at all. Even though I'm not a sevenling master of any sorts it seems to be one of its main concern in my understanding.
what happens in this switch is that it makes your friend seem more like a rebel then a person that would do what he did. I think the combination how it is now makes it more as if it seems like he is a person that would do such a thing but with them switch I think it holds much more of a suprise.
I've never been a huge fan of poetry in which a repeating line or word is constant throughout the poem but you have proved me to appreciate it. The repeating word "someday" is a nice contrasting refrain to your amazing imagery and in fact doesn't seem like a repeat at all.
your rhythm is steady throughout the whole piece with a pause and ponder feel. Its not that each stanza exactly the same pace but they are so close to it and I think its great that they aren't because it makes each point seem separate but than again equal with importance.
I love how you made the slightest change at the end to the repeating word for the ending, it works great with the meaning of the poem as well as structurally.
Theme
I'm not one for religious beliefs or belief in God in general; however, I respect others beliefs and not judge peoples poems and or stories a long the content itself but in how the content comes out from the writers abilities and knowledge (for some reason I review a lot of religious stuff even though I am not myself). The interesting thin in this poem from others is the purity in which the religious belief comes out in conjunction with other things that are not so religious. for instance my favorite stanza:
"Someday,
The sun will bleach the
last grain of dirt,
And burn itself in a furious
blaze to end the solar system."
most of the time you would not fine such things in a religious piece and if you did you would find it in a negative connotation. With your combination of religion and science gives these eyes hope that there could be a better future for these two groups of thoughts together instead of continuing a fight.
Great imagery throughout the whole poem an amazing job.
Prompt
moving poetry eight lines or less. this is a nice poem for such a length and it fulfills the contest qualifications nicely
Title
what the bird sees is very fitting for the title and very fitting for mankind as well. We fight we squabble about everything everywhere; however much we do it doesn't seem to help. you could also add to the title about the bird hearing something as well but this might give away to much of the poem. Either way the poem works fine for the poem.
Structure
it works well in your nice fluid style with perfect word placement.
I have some qualms with the phrase:
"the wind its voice:"
it seems a bit out of place with it's location and I think it would be better if you combined it with the pharse before this one for a better flowing line.
"He hears the winds voice, sing the earths song:"
"He hears earth sing in a carefree breeze:"
"He hears earth sing whirling in turbulent winds;"
maybe if you give the wind a certain type of motion the message will come out stronger. Feel free to use any option I presented or make up another one. It's your poem and I think you can do it.
randomness
One philosophical problem I have with your poem (and I must say before I continue I'm being cynical on purpose so don't feel bad)is about the reason why the earth wants the people to live together in peace. Is it a holy thing? is it a spiritual everything connected thing? why not a fight to the death for the best to rule? just some thinking food for consideration of meaning. Nothing to big. Oh yeah, does the bird care or is he just the eyes (that was meant to be a silly question but also something to be considered)?
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Short Story Reviews
2 of 3
This piece is amazing! great story with impeccable timing of anger and anguish.
Even though it's a great story and written beautifully I don't like the ending that much but then again I'm a cynical person much of the time. Also, I was hoping that you would of retied that 5 minute daycare fee issue in the end to the guy. it would of been a perfect screw you type of thing to the story. However, as I said before, I'm a cynical person and don't think she should take him back in any way because he might be up to his old tricks. But then again you might be being sneaky so the reader has to decided whats really going on. Which is also brilliant.
I think thats all I got for this one.
Awesome story, great read.
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Poetry Reviews
5 of 5
the revelation is great in this poem, as well as the poems way of getting to the revelation. However, this poem makes me wonder about your grandmothers garden and how a more descriptive view of the garden might make more impact of the revelation at the end. Why? well, it might not be 100% true but that is beyond the issue at hand; if you make the garden barren and desolate with dead flowers people will wonder until the end why it hasnt been redone with new flowers which of course is in the ending revelation. or if you have a few dull weeds sprouting up with out care or something more then the rocks to show that this area could be more than what it is. However, as we know from the ending it is more but I think it needs that contrast to it.
Its a great read besides this point but I think this minor point will but it through the roof.
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Poetry Reviews
4 of 5
So, I did the 4.5 review before the 4 on but shhh don't tell anyone (oh yeah, public review, anyway).
this poem is great! I can see why everyone that read it before me rated it so well as well as why you got the awardicon for it. The best thing about it is your ability to say so much with so few words and so well in the form or you might say free form you use to express it.
I particularly like the way you make your connection of the grayness of things making it quiet because of the lack of color. In music turns as I've experienced in many different situations throughout my life; when conductors and musicians talk about different pieces of music they often describe things with colors like dark warm tones and happy spring pastels of a skippering flute. so, in my sort of rambling I have to say that bring the sound down to a gray quiet is magnificence to my ears. I dont like doing this in other reviews but here is my version with gray that I wrote not to long ago "Invalid Item" . It has a more musical approach in bring the silence but it furth explaines what I mean by the lack of color.
I think it would be cool to do another poem that mirrors up to gray. what do I mean? someone that is so far gone of into depression that they cant even see the sadness of gray that this person is seeing now. It would just be cool to show the spectrum's of from the other angle upwards.
this poem is pretty amazing on the imagery scale (I think I just made something up)
all of the things that the person sees in there distance lovers eyes one lonely night away.
the only thing is as long as this poem is I think it needs a third stanza because something doesn't quit meld right. It's almost like these two stanzas could be separate poems in themselves. This isn't bad in anyway but I feel that their individual points of views clash in some way with each other and that they need something that will bring them together better. I wish I could explain it better but I cant. sorry.
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Poetry Reviews
4.5 of 5
I feel bad reviewing this for the auction but I want to review it because I think you can do more with it. Hence the .5 if you were wondering about that.
for some reason in this very difficult haiku task I think that the words can be rearranged to show the flowers a bit more drained then they are. I would probably have the sunflowers in the first line. Truthfully I didn't want to do this but I will show you what I mean with a different example.
Sunflowers Sleepless:
Sore slumber, scornful; sun-stroke.
Sunrise, so soon?
it took me a while but I did it. I was going to make the rating lower but then after trying it I decided to put it back up.
This story is great but as you see I gave it a 3.5 rating and I was leaning towards the 4 star but the other one pulled harder. The biggest reason is not the writing of the story but instead the placement and construction of the events.
I think you started off on the wrong foot with this story in the first place. To me it seems that you are dumping the main character traits in one paragraph instead of dispersing them as you tell the story. It makes it read more like a news article/living obituary. Also in this first paragraph the description of her siting still and her drooping body brings in a lot of conflict in the characters construction. However, I'm not saying get ride of everything because that would kill some of your amazing descriptive writing. I think you should start with the second paragraph and add elements of the first one into that paragraph to get the ball moving in the story instead of just explaining the character.
the next part that lags a bit is the part before the arrival of the mail. In this part she goes asleep because shes depressed which makes sense. However, another way to take up this time in a more meaning for way would have her do some dazed activities. Make her clean stuff but never finish, make her wash a mirror for an hour with a dirty rag, make her do something that looks shes trying to do but never really doing. These actions will make this part of the story more exciting and bring wonderment to the reader what the hell is going on as well as showing how distraught she really is about her baby. Basically make her interact with the house in the same fashion as she interacts with the baby.
the other part that you need to fix is the over use of the word "was" other known as not telling the story but showing the story. this will strengthen the actions more and make it more enjoyable for the reader.
the title is very interesting because as it says in your description you are describing a test for some kind of academic means but in using the word "Fate" in the title it opens the poem up to be viewed in more then one perspective. This makes the poem very interesting in its more encompassing meaning.
Rhythm
GREAT, the flow is very dark and painful which goes very nicely with the meaning of the poem.
Theme
as I said the title brings in a religious feeling with the stress of the word fate but still implies the importance of this test for the persons future.
the religious feeling is one of a person getting their faith tested by another that they don't know and how much that could actually hurts the person.
along both lines this works and makes the poem more delightful in my eyes.
randomness
In my many years and levels of education as well as some studying of the education system itself I find that these tests that make you so sick and mentally dead are reticulations and that the purpose of education needs to step away from the advancement of test and go back to the loving to learn. Your poem presents this idea very well in the persons dread of the importance of the test and its future that will come from it.
Title
the title doesn't seem to fit to well between your description and the meaning of the poem. I under stand of the war call and as well the call to a profession which you mention in the last stanza but I don't think it fits complete with the whole of the poem unless you are simple trying to point out the one point at the end. You could be talking about the people that are left behind? but the title just seems to not fit to me.
Rhythm
It flows very nicely without any form and I like some of the changes into rhyme when you describe certain groups of people in the school.
Structure
the structure is fine without it's structure but I think some of the earlier stanzas could use a bit more punctuation to help the reader the natural pauses. I find this to be difficult myself and I usually end up asking someone with more grammar knowledge than myself to help me with punctuation.
Theme
I feel that the theme of war and high school is actually quite brilliant. It compares very nicely between the groups of people you mention and the general frustrations of everyday school happenings.
The last stanza is the only part that breaks this theme but it's not the whole stanza, but only the first line in the stanza.
"But as doctors we wonder"- this line seems to be saying that you have already gone through the process of a higher education. Well, when I think about it more it could be the pressure of your teachers calling you that too. Either way I think the lines creates a change of POV and brings it to much out of the location of the high school. the first line as well as the last seem to work together in this effort in voice changing of the poem and I think that it might be better to take those lines out and not divert from the original theme.
I'm pretty critical on essays in general because of my academic background. I'm a sociologist by degree and when I read essays on social issues I'm very critical on the information given and those and how those aspects are interpreted. Your writing in this essay is great and persuasive yet I think the argument of the facts seem to be to swayed to one side. It can be of your opinion but without the counter argument of other opinion the statement seems less strong.
first of all, when your doing an essay you should put your inquiring question in the piece itself. Your question which you place in your description should also should be in your first paragraph. It helps with focus as well as making a clear statement of purpose to the reader.
Now this essay is very well written in a great essay style. It is clear and concise however I think that it deters away from the problem through your brilliant persuasive writing.
A few key problems:
-you do not state which prisoners would be released from the prisons closing. I don't know for sure but I'm guessing they wouldn't let the violent offenders out because that's simply ridiculousness. The ones you mention that were released seemed to be from a different type of malfunction in the prison system.
-now I agree with you on the recidivism being high but you didn't point out which recidivism rate that one was to. Was it violent offenders, rapist, drug offenders etc. and were those the ones in prison educational programs or just overall. without pointing these things out you are inadvertently misconstruing the information to the reader because they only see that statistic rather than the meaning behind it.
- you mention the per prisoner expense amount which is fine and actually very important. However, you didn't explain the money that would be saved in not having to run the prisons that would be closed. Now this is the electricity the man power to watch the prison and other various staff. this is also pertaining to the general up keep of the buildings to various conditions and codes. so its not just the money being saved by not having prisoners in the cells but all the maintenance in the building that would save the money for the state.
- truthfully I agree with many of your points specially with needing to make a better environments for big business to go into that state and a need for a more long term growth for prosperity. I also agree that the prison closing wont help the economic climate overall. However I think that the governor might be proposing that bill for the states budget and not for the actual health of the people of the state which are two completely different things.
general conclusions:
remember I think your essay is well written however the information seems incompletely and only for a means to strike emotion, than to inform people of a proposal that would or wouldn't work.
In the definition of the pleiades poetry form that I found the title is the first line as well the letter at which you start the next seven preceding lines. You actually use this form in a very interesting way to define the meaning of ordinary. I think this form was a great choice for such definition.
Rhythm
It works but I also think that a period might be needed after "future" there is a natural stop there and it seems that the next line starts a new idea.
Theme
In a way I think the theme is this second line for your meaning or ordinary.
"Originates with the need for stability"- each line following this line brings this type of movement to the forefront of my mind.
randomness
I think this might be a cultural difference of the understanding of the word ordinary or my own randomness of word playing and meaning but in this poem it seems to be a striving for and or attaining of being ordinary which I feel is not so much the case. However I understand that different cultures want different things and make you feel differently in the way you learn things. good poem.
winter making love- you use this in a refreshing way but it almost seemed like they weren't making love but fulfilling an obligation.
Title
I like the use of the title better than how you interpreted the prompt. the depiction of the snow writing on glass and the snow white dress brought an amazing conceptual connection to the inner workings of the leaving a lasting imagine of the poem in my mind.
Rhythm
very well crafted in flow and rhythm with impeccable placement of un-rhyming words.
Rhyme Scheme
none.
Structure
even though its not completely out of since I think the last line could be better. I have a suggestion that might added some further meaning and also being a bit more in structured (I'm not saying its really out of structure though because the last line does fit fine).
instead of: "of the year" you might want to simply say "alive" so the last line would be "and awaken the womb alive"
now this brings in the possibility of the lovers pleasure as well as the possibility of a child in the future which I think gives a nice completion to this well crafted poem.
Theme
nothing to note.
randomness
well crafted simplistic words creating rich images in a rhythmic fashion. WELL DONE. THANKYOU.
I think this is a great activism piece to get people involved with the our nations and take back the control that you state is in the hands of the politicians.
some suggestions and edits.
"My pride is not dependent on the leaders and politicians who tell me what they think I want to hear and who use the deaths of my young Soldiers, Sailors, Marines and Airmen to propel their agendas." these two sentence need to be split apart because the ideas in them are very different and it gets a bit confusing together.
"My Patriotism is for the Fighting Man and Woman right now..."-I think you should take out "right now" from this line because it flows better without it and "on the front lines" the next part of the sentence states the same thing making the "right now" a bit redundant.
"needs to be quashed."- I didn't know quashed was a word until looking it up. I was going to ask if you meant to use squashed instead but quashed works as well. NICE WORD I LIKE IT.
"If e will stand up..."- you probably meant we.
I think you might want to consider swapping the 2nd paragraph with the third paragraph. In a paper like such you always want to define your terms before explaining them out right.
this might be a me thing but I know some others that dislike this also, you might want to do away with the double spacing between the paragraphs. also, you might want to familiarize yourself with the writingMLtag's (which I linked down below).
these are for indenting underlining and all that jazz to fix up your works for readability and style. they are easy to use once you get the hang of them. If you have any questions feel free to ask me or anyone else on WDC.
some thoughts of my own.
I agree in the lack of involvement but I'm probably the worst one to read these statements because I see so many problems from the system structurally that I see little hope for the change. Also, the other problem I see which is also the problem of involvement is time. not because its going to take a long time to fix because I know it will; not because people think its not worth their time because I dont think that is the case either; the problem is that people have so much of there time wrapped up in working for a living to allow themselves to be them and their families living that they have no other time for the country in general. so I think your headed in the right path but you need to be able to free the people from their lives to care about other lives.
great passion in this piece well done.
Keep on Trucking.
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