Overall- I like the information, the understanding, and the abilities you have in telling a story not just through the voicing of the person telling the story but also with the dialogue you write within the story itself. However, I think this story could use a different perspective. What do I mean? well truthfully I think this story would work out a bit better if written in the third person. As it is right now it feels too much like a journal entry and I think it would be an amazing story if you could transform it into a different voicing. Your details are great as well as the little events within the classroom but it doesn't feel like its showing its real potential in first person.
suggestions:
besides the voicing change the only other change I would suggest is the sequence of events. I would start this story with the day before with the teacher in the story being worried about what to expect for tomorrows first day of school and looking up things about Asperger Syndrome. This will set the stage a bit nicer and add a bit more worry and panic in the teachers mind as well as making this point of your story stick out:
“You just have to figure out what kind of mood he’s in, Ms. Tucker,” whispered a little girl that reminded me of a Raggedy-Ann doll I had as a child.
I think your story would also wrap up a bit nicer with the moral in the ending compared to the learning the teacher is trying to learn through information on a computer screen. It shows the change in the character a bit nicer and I think it makes it overall a bit stronger.
also, I think the way in which you have this flash back development actually breaks up the story instead of helping it. The flash back is too short to have a flash back effect on the whole of the story. Your story flows smoothly until it gets to the flash back scene.
I think this could be an amazing story. You have a lot of great parts to it but I think it just need to be told slightly differently.
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Poetry Reviews
5 of 5
Overall- I think this poem was good but also a difficult one for you since the explanation of the poem has "no ending rhyme" in big letters. U think you didn't like that about this form. HEE HEE HEE. We all get comfortable in our ways of writing and it's always good to get away and try something different for the brain.
some suggestions:
One overall suggestion I have is a better distinction between the words spoken and the words being thought. I think you could do a bit more with some quotes and italics that will show off this poems comedic display a bit more.
"on. Will he ever stop, or notice the"- I not a huge fan of how you did the "on and on" from the first line to the second. I was thinking maybe changing it to:
"Will he ever stop that, or notice the"
I think it should be like this above but should carry on through the next line in italics in this interrupting thought process type of way. Plus you wrote this in a way that this is how she is thinking about ralf. Here is the first three lines with the suggestion change and italics:
I stifle a yawn as Ralf drones on and Will he ever stop that, or notice the
glop of potato salad on his chin?
The hot sun beats down, and Ralf starts a new…
as you can see with the words in italics you can tell that she is looking than thinking with this thought interruption. I think it justifies your comedic voice a bit better with this formating but it's your decision since it's your poem.
"Grace, not married to Ralf just yet, screeches."- I think that you could write this like in a more creative fasion. Maybe something like she was trying to act like his wife but wasn't wearing the ring yet or maybe do a bit more with it. I 'm kind of out of suggestions for this one though. SORRY.
"the soaker-hose-on-the-roof trick once more."- I would change the "once more" to "again" because I think it soulds just a bit better.
Like I said I think this is a very funny poem yet I think some formatting of it can highten this comedic situation. I like that you did a different style of poem with out ending rhymes and find it very courageous. I wish I could do a sonnet or two but I will get there at some point.
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Poetry Reviews
3.5 of 5
I didn't charge a full review because it's a really short poem and I wanted to say a few things about it but didn't want to fully take it from your auction bid. So here we go.
Overall- I like this poem a lot and that you used a bit of your personal life to create it. In using seeds for this poem I think it makes it special for you as well with anyone else that lives off the land as a farmer or cultivator. These seeds but more important the land itself is the freedom pursuit of this poem and the way a person impacts it through their actions as in planting the seeds.
suggestions
I was going to say something about the second stanza not fitting but as I took a step back and looked at the picture I suddenly figured out how wrong I was. My beginning interpretation is a bit off because I was looking at the words and not the picture which I apologize for. However, It made me notice how brilliant this poem is and I thank you for that.
I think you should change the "like" in the first stanza to "as" though. Why? well, to me using "as" will not make them into weeds but saying that even weeds can be beautiful which I think will make this poem even more stronger. Plus I'm not a huge fan of "like" that much so it might be that.
other then that little word change I think this is GREAT and says so much in so few words.
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Poetry Reviews
3 of 5
Some feelings on the Villanelle form: Now I've reviewed many of these types of poems yet I've still been to scared to try it. Why? well, it's an extremely hard form to work out well and find the trick is to make the two refrain lines as vague as possible too be able to bounce different meanings off of them. Also, I think when you stated, at the end of your poem, that this poem needs a rhyming word that has many rhymes to be very helpful to others as well as another great way to approach this form. Oh yeah I'm not one for writing rhyming poems and I often dislike poems with refrain lines however one day I want to make one of these poems and hope I can as well as you did here.
Overall thoughts- your rhyming is great and not overbearing which is hard to do when you have to have one rhyme seven times in a poem that is only nineteen lines (WOW! THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH! WHO MADE THIS INSANITY ANYWAY!). Even though you conducted the form very well I think your usual flow is off a bit because of these strict restrictions. Also, in most of your other poems your rhythm usually amplifies your meaning which I like about all the poems I've read from you. this one seems to be a bit off with that respect but is very understandable do to the strictness of the form. However, I think I have a suggestion for you for this poem and or the next time you dare to try it. Maybe write the poem with longer lines. I know you have the skills to do this and I think if you flex yourself with a bit more room horizontally you will be able to set up the rhymes or even the ideas within the lines a bit better. it looks like you have four feet in most of your lines but I could be wrong. I think you could go two more feet or double the lines even (please note I'm not a huge fan of long lines but I think you could do it justice). I think it might be fun to see what you could do with this poem having really long lines.
"Come Sunday, God trumps earthly brawn."- this line is a bit off and I think its mostly do to the second part. here are some suggestions I thought up that might help or inspire for an even better line.
"Come Sunday, God trumps working brawn."
"Sunday God trumps the earthly brawn."
also I think if you put a comma in the original line about "trumps," this my help the line a bit.
"Yet still by will must stay devout."
this line doesn't acknowledge "will" enough in my mind. its a very important thing to a farmer in this context in my mind (however I'm not a farmer and I realized you are one from friends on WDC). To think that their life must be stopped after fighting the drought and floods to devout their time to a God when they need to sustain their life is an amazing and a hard thing to face. So it takes a lot more will than I think this line conveys
"Yet still with will we stay devout."
"Yet still we will to stay devout."
I don't know if these suggestions gives it justification either but I hope they spark some inspiration for the lines.
there are a few other lines that are a bit off as well but its neither here or there and I think that you fulfilled this form quite well even though some of my criticisms seem to say otherwise I think you did a marvelous job.
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Poetry Reviews
2 of 5
Overall- I like what you did with this crown cinquains but it doesn't seem as strong as your other types of poetry. When I mean not as strong I don't mean weak it's just that most of your meter types of poetry are amazing and this is slightly below the amazing line. OK enough of my befuddled words.
I guess I'm saying that your more use to having a consistent length to deal with with your concepts making this a bit outside your element but surely something you could handle quite well. Why do I think it is outside your usual comfort zone? Well, I tend to do more syllable forms of this type and find that people that try them that are use to meter writing tend to use more one syllable words then multi-syllable words in their poems. Why does this matter? well I guess I find you can take on more meaning with less little words in these type of poems which you need to do in such a small amount of space.
So I like how you write out this poem and I like the flow and rhythm of it but I do think there could be a bit more in this poem if you choose to use more meaning with your flow than flow overall. I hope that makes sense?
Another thing that I found in this poem that I feel doesn't really follow the style completely is that each stanza doesn't consist of an individual poem. some of them seem more like transitions than whole poems in their own. For example the second to last stanza is more of a transition about the events that conspired and not really a complete poem in its self. However the stanza is beautifully written so its really about how specific or nit picky you want to get.
"and wept."- this last line might work better as "we wept" since the whole time it seems that the persona in the poem was talking about how they have siblings.
overall it's a great poem but like I said I think you could of taken out some of the mon-syllable words and added more meaning on top of what you displayed already.
I think you should try some more syllable poems to shake up your already refined poetic abilities.
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Poetry Reviews
1 of 5
Overall thoughts- this is a wonderful display of experimenting within a strict form as well as a great display of using a form to amplify the meaning of a poem which I find is important but often not used enough.
the reason why this form complements the meaning of this poem is mostly from the extract internal rhyme making this poem a bit drone and "Nonchalant" as the title specifies. It's really a brilliant little technique that needs more examination. Also, the internal rhyme does an odd dissent feeling that lingers at the end of each line showing the disdain the persona has in complaining about the shopper putting themselves in debt for no apparent reason.
I do have one suggestion:
"With confidence that no expense is spared."
to me the word "that" feels weird in this line. Its not that apparent but I don't know quite what it is. It might just need a comma after that. or maybe a different word:
"With confidence at no expense is spared."
"With confidence with no expense to spare."
I'm not quite sure if either of these works and I know I change the ending word which might disrupt the rhyme with the previous line but I think there is something is a bit off with this line however I'm not sure how to fix it.
I'm looking forward in reading more of your poems mostly in getting a strong feel for different meters that I'm reluctant to use.
I like this title a lot and thinks it works fine. I'm glad you didn't use ballad again in this poem which keeps it a bit hidden in what it is about but not too hidden.
Rhythm
"And underbridge passes" - I would take out the "and" in this line so it will fit better with the first line rhythmically. The only thing in doing this you might have to put a comma after the first line. Also, I would make it "Under bridge passes" the space between the words also helps the rhythm.
In the third stanza I would also take out the "And" at the beginning of the first line.
"But the pockets don’t fund what the pining man pines for;"
this line is a bit long and you can shorten it a couple of different ways.
"But pockets don’t fund what pining man pines for;"
"Pockets don’t fund what the pining man pines for;"
"The pockets don’t fund what pining man pines for;"
"These pockets don't fund what pining man pins for;"
you also could replace "pining man" with "gutter man"
making the line:
"The pockets don’t fund what gutter man pines for;"
which would also work with any of the other suggestions.
"And though a rough diamond," I would change this to "a rough diamond," however I don't quite get this unless you meant and "and through a rough diamond"
but it isn't completely clear who the rough diamond is or what it is. hence my confusion.
Overall- I like the poem a lot and think you did a great job with it but that some of the little words tend to disrupt the rhythm.
I like many of your lines specially the last one in the third stanza and I also think the whole fourth stanza works wonderfully.
Overall- I like this poem a lot and thought you did a great job between your metaphors displays and the point in which you were trying to get across. Its a great little comedic display of love that was never suppose to happen
Title
I like the title but also have a bit of dislike for it since you used it inside the poem in the ending of the poem. There are times when I like this done and other time when I don't. For this poem I almost feel like it takes away the ending instead of adding a circular reinforcement. However, if you felt the same as I do and decided to change this (and by all means you don't have to in the least) I would change the line inside the poem instead of the title itself. How? well I would do it more with the notion of the action instead of out right stating it as you have now. This would make the whole poem a bit stronger in my eyes than just simply stating that this is what they are.
Rhythm
I like your pacing in this piece however to me some of the "ands" get in the way of the groove. Not just pacing and rhythm wise but also a bit meaning wise as well. Instead of some "ands" I think you could use punctuation which you might not be a fan of since there is little amounts of punctuation within this poem. SO on to a few lines I would suggest to change however like I said you don't have to.
"But when upon bended knee"- a while ago one of my friends on WDC drilled into my head that "but" isn't the best word to use in poems. I guess I believed them and sometimes I don't as well so I guess this is a suggestion from them. Basically just changing "but" to "yet" it sounds a little better but for this one I think it could go either way.
"he heard a pitter and a creak"- this line I would take out the "and" you could add a comma after it or just have it as is:
"he heard a pitter a creak"- for one thing I feel this makes the rhyme with the fourth line a bit better and brings out the funniness of the situation. Secondly, I tend to take out a lot of little words in my poems so it seems to work better in my own bias opinion which you could take or leave.
you could take out the "and in the line below as well which would make a better stop with the word "stopped" but that one isn't as important as the one I mentioned already.
"and she smiled quite serene"- this "and" could also be taking out. I think the more direct approach without the "and" makes the instance more awkward than not creating this situation a bit better.
"Build slowly, carefully sir" this is a bit confusing because I don't know if the last two lines are the narration of the poem or not. If so I think it would be a great idea to put the last two lines in italics. it will make a world of difference to the impact of the poem. or if you want you can make it the women in the poem speaking and put it in quotes. however I would lean more towards the italics because sometimes I feel it really makes some points stand out.
Final thoughts: I really like the make up of this poem and the whole sequence all together. well constructed however I think some things could be deleted from the poem but that's neither here or there.
Overall- I liked this story and the mood you set. However I think the topic gets a bit wavy in your reminiscing focus. You start off building from the car of Ron (who we don't know that well through the story) into a ending that is a bit more surprising in my eyes. I think you need to make the idea of the car being more important specially in to who is driving the car because that is what is most important in this little story. You don't neglect that fact but I feel it could be a bit more apparent overall.
There were seven of us siblings, four girls, three boys, and Dad and Mom!- I don't think this exclamation point is entirely necessary. One reason why I think this is because I think this story should stay in the more subdued tone of quiet deep reflection and the exclamation point seems to break that up too much.
"I can remember it was most always great fun and kept us from quarreling amongst ourselves. Which we rarely did in the car back then." - these sentences seem a bit confusing to me and could be written a bit more concisely to clarify them up.
"I remember it was always great fun. It kept us from quarreling amongst ourselves which mom appreciated, which we rarely did back then, in the car."- it's not perfect or anything but I hope you see what I mean by taking out some of the little utterances that disrupt the sentence as well as make a different sequence in the last sentence.
"Many times my two older brothers would not even be along for the rides." I would change "wouldn't" since you've used words like "don't" in other places throughout the story. It's always best to stay consistent using one or the other.
"As they got older they would be off working jobs somewhere."- I would take out the "jobs" in this sentence and or make it "...working various jobs." I think it's a bit clear that way than the other way.
"It must have been a relief for us as my oldest brother was the biggest tease of all!" this sentence is confusing because you seem confused in this memory of your older brother. This is in part of using the words "must have been" seeing this is a memory it should be a bit more cut and dry than if you were sure or not.
"In the summer time Mom would pack a big picnic lunch and take us all to the lake just about everyday."- this sentence could be organized a bit differently. I think it should be like so:
"In the summer time, just about everyday, Mom would pack a big picnic lunch and take us all to the lake."- to me this seems to work better than having that phrase at the end of the sentence. It makes it a bit odd there.
I think this is a great little story about remembering your childhood and think it needs a bit more tightening up in order to really make it shine.
Overall its a pretty good poem and I think it's very spirited in the glory of a hero that a fan never wants their hero to die.
"We shudder in grief, O bitter tears do we shed,"- I would take out the "do" in this line it seems to throw the rhythm off a bit.
"For the death of our world, the mortal flesh that has bled."-I would take out the "that" in this line it seems to throw the rhythm off a bit. Also, if you look at this line visually you will notice it is a lot longer than the other lines which is a good indicator that a line is off from another in the poem (except if the lines are suppose to be long and short).
"What right have you Homer, and to others speak well,"- to me this line is a bit confusing. well more so the second part after the comma. Maybe if you have: "..., and others as well,"- even that isn't that clear. You're trying to say something about the people that agree with Homer but I don't know how you would get this through in this rhythm.
"The gods in their shame, now to Hector must cry,"- how about for the second part of this poem "..., that Hector must cry," to me the "now to" seems to be a bit off the mark on the rhythm.
"But Achilles in hades,..."- I have a friend on WDC and she always hates "but" at the beginning of a line so I usually point these out for her since she made me change one once. how about "Yet" instead of "But" I could take it or leave it but I had to mention it.
"When Hector again, walks the land in his might," this line seems a bit off because of the words "the land" I would take out those words and add "with" instead of "in" looking as so:
"When Hector again, walks with his might,"
to me this rolls a bit better out of the mouth. Also, to me "the land" is a bit redundant because hes walking which is usually assumed as being on land isn't really necessary to say.
final thoughts: I thought that a bunch of the rhythms were off as you could see from the line suggestions. Also there seems to be some parts that I feel could be reworded a bit differently for a better understanding as well as overall strength of the poem.
overall- as I've read through many of your poems this one is also in the form of long lined series of couplets. You keep about the same rhythm in this one but some of the couplets are off in a few spots, mostly do to little words getting in the way of your rhythm. Unlike my last review this one will be diving more into the poem itself to help out with the flow of the lines.
one way you could control your long line flow a bit better is if you adhere to a certain syllable count. Why? this will help to ensure that the whole poem has the same feeling throughout which will create a better effect. you are actually really close to being consistent how ever the ones that you are off you can tell that there is something a bit wrong with the lines.
these numbers are the syllables in each line of your poem (I put them in these groupings in correspondence with your couplet pattern: all of the numbers in the first line are first lines and all the numbers in the second lines are second lines in the couplet). Are these numbers important? yes and no. When writing a poem they help you keep a phrasing pattern consistent so you can work within these frames with a different rhythm consistency and still make a tightly constructed poem. As we look at your syllable pattern we can see you waver a bit but the couplets themselves are closer within each other then as the same as all the other couplets (in other words you only have two couplets with the same syllable count: two and six have a 15-14). if you keep your syllables more consistent it will be harder to waver away making the lines flow better. However, this doesn't completely solve the rhythm problem but more sets a frame to work under. The other problem is the word choices within these syllables frames.
Your rhythm is pretty good but sometimes you add too many little words in a single line throwing the poem off.
"A hundred of men gave up their dreams on this field of bloody strife," for instance this line would flow much beter wihtout some of the little words in it:
"Hundred men gave up their dreams on this field of bloody strife,"
"A hundred men gave up their dreams on this field of bloody strife,"
"Hundreds of men gave up their dreams on this field of bloody strife,"
I experiment with the "A" and "of" in these three lines to show you the difference in the line. The one I like best for this poem is the first one because it seems more somber than the other lines. It happens to be 14 syllables one poetry form that you are very close to writing is the "Dirge" form. this is suppose to be a very sad and sorrowful pattern. If you look at your third couplet you constructed a dirge (I find this couplet out of all yours in this poem to be the most somber as well as the one with the best timing.
One last point about the syllables used in a line. If you look at your last couplet, which both have 16 syllable lines, you can see how uneven visually they are. This is because the first line you have more multi-syllable words and the second one you have many one syllable words. Usually to keep consistent you want to spread out the syllables consistency and or make sure that the multiple syllable words keep with the same rhythm as the other words.
Final thoughts: I thought you did a great job honoring these soldiers long forgotten. However, there are many lines that need a bit work on their rhythm and I think if you shorten them up by a syllable or two in some of these longer lines the poem overall will have a better effect. Something I forgot to mention: those commas at the ends of the first lines should be semicolons instead. the lines hold enough on their own and there needs to be a stronger pause at the end of those long lines which will also help the flow of those lines overall.
I understand this was for a contest that was made in the moment making it a bit more hard to work out the pacing and rhythm of a poem do to the pressure. However, I've been perusing your port a bit and I think this poem will help me make some overall poetry suggestions that you might want to try and or not try to help strengthen your poetic instincts.
Overall-I like the ideas in this poem and I think you did a great job in asking some good pondering questions about water while also questioning our infatuation with water.
As I said before, I've gone through your port because ShiShadgifted you three poetry reviews; in my viewing I found that you tend to write very long lines in your poetry. This is fine of course and your choice, however there are instances when you want to write some shorter lines to effect the idea of the poem differently and to create a different voicing to your poetic voice. (please note: I tend to write shorter lines in general and I'm not saying either way is better than the other just that I want to show you some different ways in which poetry can be written and since I'm more comfortable with shorter lines I decided to explain how they can also be used.
I'm guessing this is a free verse poem- meaning that you were the one that is making up the poem pattern as you write. I determined that because your syllable counts aren't in a certain pattern and your word stress is consistent but not completely consistent because you have some lines much longer than others. I liked your use of couplet rhymes and think you did a great job with them without make the rhymes seem forced.
How would I write this poem with shorter lines? I would take each couplet (the lines that rhyme) and make those two lines into four lines. for instance:
"Why are people drawn to water? Is it because they seek to know?
Is their reflection in the liquid depths, a friend or deadly foe?"
"Why are people drawn to water?
Is it because they seek to know?
Is their reflection in liquid
depths, a friend or deadly foe?"
for the most part you naturally divide your lines nicely into two parts along this one couplet making it easy to be divided into four lines. To me this formation of the lines holds the rhythm a bit better and a persons eyes can conceive the meaning a bit better when the ideas are broken up in this fashion. If you notice I moved "depths" to the line below however it could be placed in the line above. as so:
"Why are people drawn to water?
Is it because they seek to know?
Is their reflection in liquid depths,
a friend or deadly foe?"
Truthfully, I like it better this way because it makes the reader concentrate a lot on these words because they are alone in the line. It's almost haunting in a way. now with this change you can decided to make the rest of the poem in the same fashion being read straight down or divide it up into stanzas.
"Why are people drawn to water?
Is it because they seek to know?
Is their reflection in liquid depths,
a friend or deadly foe?
Within the darting prisms, there
an answer that they seek?
Or is their depth of wonder
curiosity, for the meek?"
or you can make it into stanzas:
"Why are people drawn to water?
Is it because they seek to know?
Is their reflection in liquid depths,
a friend or deadly foe?
Within the darting prisms, there
an answer that they seek?
Or is their depth of wonder-
curiosity for the meek?"
either way would be fine and if you want you could break up your original poem into stanzas as well. looking like:
Why are people drawn to water? Is it because they seek to know?
Is their reflection in the liquid depths, a friend or deadly foe?
Within the darting prisms is there an answer that they seek?
Or is their depth of wonder, curiosity for the meek?
or you could have three groups of four stanzas or leave it exactly how it is.
My whole point in showing this in a review is to show you different ways in which your own poetic voice could be expressed with this poem you have already established. Truthfully, I like your poem as is and don't know if it should be changed at all. However, I felt since you are learning poetry I should try and show you a different way in which to view a poetic expression instead of giving you a regular review.
one last fun thing before I to your other reviews. you could get really crazy with your form and do something like this:
Why are people
drawn to water?
Is it because
they seek to know?
Is their reflection
in liquid depths,
a friend or
deadly foe?
In this one, I subdivided the lines one step further to show you that you could make this poem have very small lines and truthfully it works better if you do this then you make it into stanzas. Like so:
Why are people
drawn to water?
Is it because
they seek to know?
Is their reflection
in liquid depths,
a friend or
deadly foe?
Now you see how the rhyme seems different however it still drives the rhythm from one part to the next part.
To break up this poem into smaller lines or leave it as is up to you and I do not have any reason to suggest either one. I hope I was able to show you your poem in a different light through a different line construction and that this my help you along your journey into writing more poetry.
Overall- this was a great piece that made me smile and laugh. I wasn't around (as in born) for this TV series and only experienced the movie with Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks made far after the TV series in 1987 (I had to look it up to make sure)
I thought you captured the voicing of Joe Friday quite well with the impute of the information of Writing.com.
the only thing that seemed a bit off was the incorporation of a few rhymes. I'm not a huge fan of rhyming overall, mostly do to the fact that I'm bad at it, but this isn't way I thought it didn't fit. I thought the rhymes in the poem made it a bit too cutesy when in needed to be more of a dry humor feeling to it instead or more of a slight sarcasm twig to it to make it seem more fitting.
once other reason I found this impressive is that you were able to capture the pacing perfectly. This is a great ability in poetry and writing in general. Being able to use different pacing with your words to create versatility in your writing is a great skill and one that I think more people need to learn to do to understand different aspects of writing.
Overall-I like this poem and I think you did a great job in depicting a fine yellow hue. your rhymes seem very fitting to the poem and don't seem to be forced.
the first line seems to be a little off compared to the rest of the lines. However, you might be doing this intentionally for setting the piece in a certain way to describe the day after this line happens. If what I'm thinking is true then I think you should have a colon after the first line so its more as if these are the events of the day after this sun shined through. If my thoughts are wrong, which happen often, I think you want to shorten up this first line so it's like the rest of the other lines.
"As the sun comes up over the mountain,"
there are many ways in which you could change this first line.
"The sun comes up over the mountain"
"As the sun awakes over the mountain"
"As the sun stretches over the mountain"
"As the sun sneaks over the mountain"
"As the sun extends over the mountain"
basically in these lines I took out the "come up" which seems to get a bit caught in your throat when pronounce these words together giving the line a different flow.
The other thing I'm not particularly found of in this poem is the ending. It's not bad or off pace in rhythm and rhyme. However, I think these last two lines take a huge leap in the subject and I feel that there needs to be another couplet before the last two lines to set up the last two lines a bit better. I understand that the last two lines are directly related to the "daffodils" in the fourth line but for some reason it seems that there needs to be one more statement before this final reflection.
Maybe the lady twirling in the field with a yellow (but don't say yellow) dress. maybe just a gaze over the whole field. I'm not quite sure but it seems like there needs to be something else there and I don't know what. maybe you can find it or maybe I should stop thinking about it.
Overall- I like this poem a lot and think your right that the mind chooses to suppress somethings instead of other things.
the title- I think it could be stronger. what do I mean by stronger? well, this isn't really about your toddler days and its more about trying to find your lost memories as an adult.
some title suggestions:
"A Past Forgotten"
"Lost Flash Back"
"Why Can't I remember"
"Lost Childhood"
"Finding a Lost Child"
there are many many more that you could come up with.
"Enviously, I'm listening."- adding the (-ly) on enviously makes is four syllables and not three making the line eight syllables and not the intended seven.
"Where had all mine been missing?"- this line seems to be a bit off rhythmically. Also if you notice its rather longer than all the other lines since you only used one syllable words in it. I think if you use some two syllable words in it the flow will be much better.
"Where are my stories- missing?"
"Why are my stories missing?"
also the second stanza could use a different inflection with some altered formatting:
"Enviously, I'm listening
(Wondering to myself) Where had all mine been missing?
Memories on a shelf?"
Enviously, I'm listening:
Wondering to myself,
Where had all mine been missing?
Memories on a shelf?
To give it a bit more internal/external application you can use some different punctuation and or settings to make the stanza come alive.
"Running throughout my mind now." this line seems a bit long as well much like the other seven syllable line I pointed out before. It's not that you used the syllables wrong it is the pattern of the words you used. Most of all with the sequence of the last three words. Also, I think those three words don't go to well together with the flow you've established.
Thanks for the read and I'm sorry it took me so long to start your auction reviews they shouldn't take me too long. I HOPE.
Hello I'm Radler Zpheitor one of three judges for the "Invalid Item" contest.
Thanks for participation and good luck in the contest.
PLOT
A Mother and daughter get into a car accident
CHARACTERS
Rachael- a caring daughter that feels semi responsible for her mothers accident because of her yelling at her mom before the accident.
Mom- a very forward lady that must always know whats going right at every moment in time.
DIALOGUE
the dialogue is pretty good and how it should be for this type of story.
The bigger problem for me in this story is it's lay out. I think there are too many in and out characters as well as too many
brief little scenes that are disjointed. You can follow them fine but I think you could get more out of this story if you didn't have to introduce another character every scene.
usually in dialogue stories you want fewer characters to keep down the amount of confusion between them.
you have: Mom/Rachael/brother/Uncle Ted/Nurse/Doctor Turner/Officer Joseph Green/truck driver
I count eight characters which seem like a lot to have in a story that is only one thousand words or less. Remember to be aware of your space limitations and that each character is another complex feature to a story.
ADDITIONAL COMMENTS
It was great that you divide each scene up with a dividing line so that people could follow the flow of the story better. It help a lot to keep everything in line.
However in doing this I notice that some of the divided scenes didn't seem as important as others which is where I think you could of cut down some of this story and then added in other places to make the story stronger overall.
Hello I'm Radler Zpheitor one of three judges for the "Invalid Item" contest.
Thanks for participation and good luck in the contest.
PLOT
Mark tries to explain to his best friend that he is sorry for putting him through a rough time as well as explaining to Dave why he thinks Gavin is a sketchy character.
CHARACTERS
Dave- Marks best and dearest friend who is also friends with Gavin however he doesn't think Gavin is that weird.
Mark- a regular confessing to his friend Dave that he is sorry for acting weird as well as trying to explain why he doesn't like Gavin and that he doesn't want to hang out with him anymore.
Gavin- weird friend that Mark doesn't like because he doesn't know who he is and he thought he killed his parents however they were only on vacation.
Rob- a guy that most ask his wife's permission to do anything specially going on with the guys.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING
‘No, no, you’re all right’- missed a period at the end or some other punctuation.
I do. I do know. If it was the other way round...’- you just missed the opening quote mark at the beginning of this line. little typo.
DIALOGUE
first off I think it would of been nice if you formatted some spaces in between the lines so it would be a bit easier to read. It's not something that's necessary for this contest or anything it's just that it would make it easier to read overall. most likely you wrote this on word or another processing program then cut and past into a static item. The problem is the coding from word to WDC doesn't translate so you have to go and space it in your static item. No big deal though.
this dialogue is good however I think it was a bit confusing with how you started it. I had a hard time figuring out who was who because you started with "Come on Dave!" and then you don't know the more important Mark until the twelve line of dialogue. This confused me since The importance of Dave wasn't as significant because everything bad happened to Mark and not to Dave. SO it would of been nice to have Marks name since he was doing more talking trying to convince Dave to dumb Gavin
Once I got past this point I thought the dialogue went well naturally and you can tell these guys have been friends for years.
ADDITIONAL COMMENTS
I was impressed with your ability to use many characters and actually give a little bits of information about all of them. I like this dialogue but I don't feel that it convey that much emotion.
thanks for introducing me to this Chaiku form.
I never new it existed and had to look it up to understand it
before starting this review. I'll give the form a go
when I get a chance. To the review!
Overall thoughts- I think you did a wonderful job with the pacing of this poem and the imagery. I love the little one line snit bits going from the actions of the two lovers and the environment around them. it creates a overall connection that leaves the ending of the poem to resonate in the mind. I thought you did a nice careful and unobtrusive job in bring rhyme into this poem. Usually I dislike rhyme in shorter poems because of the limiting word choice and its also more likely to seem forced. However, in this little fast past poem you don't get that feeling of being forced.
Some suggestions:
I think "keeptime" should be "keep time" I checked it on Word and that's what it said. Those things are wrong sometimes as well thought.
you might want to try experimenting with some different punctuation in the poem to create some longer pauses at the ends of the lines instead of the commas. Why? Its always nice to stop and gaze for a breath or two for reflection. that my seem a little much but really I think a few longer pauses will create even more feeling into the poem.
Final thoughts: where ever I found the explanation of this form (sorry I don't remember and closed the window already and also too lazy to find it again) said that they are in stanzas with four lines in each stanza. However, I think if you did this it would ruin the interlocking feeling of these lines while disrupting the overall flow. SO I think you did a great job in that decision.
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PLOT
Two boys take out a library book to bring home and read in the darkness of their room to explore a new world in words.
one question: is it raining outside for the boys right now as it is in the book? because that would be a pretty cool parallel if it is.
SETTING
I thought the setting was well done however I think your sequence of events could of been a bit better than they were as I describe further down in the review.
CHARACTERS
I think you could of said a bit more about the other boy but then again I think you were a bit limited on words and might not of had enough room to add this info.
GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE
"Neither moved, as if afraid it would all disappear if they did."- this sentence is a bit awkward because of how it is worded.
"..., down to the blue one on in the middle." -I think you left the on in this sentence by mistake.
"He loved blue, anything he could get his hands on;"
I think the way in which you have this phrase doesn't show his infatuation for blue things as much as it could. Here are a few other ways to put this phrase:
"He loved blue things;..."
"He loved anything blue;..."
"He obsessed over anything blue;..."
"Sam nodded finally..."- I don't think you need the "finally" here because it seems me that the duration of time between the two boys is irrelevant and it makes the sentence a bit awkward.
"The boys rushed into..." the paragraph started with these words needs to be reworked. Why? well, I think it would be hard to tie the blankets to the corner bed post if there wasn't any light in the room.
ADDITIONAL COMMENTS
I think this little story is worth revisiting and fixing up. I think your more recent work with 55 word stories should help you a bit more to cut down on unnecessary excess to add a few more little details to this nice story. I think It could use a bit more conflict to get the story a bit more strength and movement. As it is now It doesn't feel like there is much going on. Maybe make them seem like they are going on an adventure instead of just starting at the library to give it a little more pizazz.
I'm Reviewing Every Chatter Box members to Encourage more Reviewing.
I like the title because it fits well for this poem. I like how you show it through various statements thought the combination of many lines.
Rhythm
"That I only stand in your way."
I would change this line to either:
"I only stand in your way."
or
"That I stand in your way."
"That I only..." is a bit rough to say and breaks up the rhythm you've produced with the three previous lines.
the second stanza seems to be a bit confusing to me because of the third line. Are you wandering blindly because you have no direction or teaching from you're family? Or did you mean you wonder and not wander blindly? Or maybe you mean wander in one of the not as usual context?
final thoughts:
I think this is a good poem but the second stanza could use some clarification.
Overall- I think this is a great poem showing or sharing how you or the poem persona wish devotion to God could be even thought you/persona timidly suggest that it's not exactly that easy as it seems. Usually, I'm not a huge fan repeating poems however in this case I think it's perfectly suited for the subject matter. For some reason I find religious poems to be one subject that is great for repeating poems which as I said before I'm not a huge fan of unless it works. Here it WORKS.
suggestions:
"of the waters of life we're supposed to share." - this line seems to be a bit two long. Why or how? well if you look at the poem from a distance this line is one of the longest. This is a good indicate of pacing however sometimes it can also be deceptive. there are many ways to fix this line by rewriting it or by taking out words for instance:
"of life waters we're supposed to share."
"of the waters of life we're to share."
"of life we're supposed to share."
so on and so forth.
"without all the worrying about my past." - to me this line seems to be off a bit because of the word "all". when you are saying past it already means the time that added up to the present time which encompass the worrying and everything else. Basically the "all" is redundant.
"my god, my God,..."- Ok I had a long discussion about this line with one of my friends on WDC and I guess I was wrong in my understanding do to my lack of grammar. I wanted to suggest to you to take out the first "my god,..." because I thought you were being redundant even with your note at the bottom. But she pointed out to me how it worked grammatically. However, I think you need to take out the second "my" to make the line:
"my god, God,..."
why is this?
"my god, my Allah,..." it would be "my god, Allah,..."
"my god, my Vishnu,..." it would be "my god, Vishnu,..."
"my god, my Zeus,..." it would be "my god, Zeus,..."
(sorry to all the religions in existence I don't have the space or the time but these were the first three that popped into my head. please don't take offense, just an example. THANKS!)
well if you believed in a different god or used God with a different name you wouldn't say the "my". plus in all fairness to other people in the world, I think your suppose to share God and not keep them to yourself.
"but find I am lacking
such that I could fly on, instead of stand on." I love these lines, as in what you mean, but rhythmically and pacing wise it's not as smooth as the rest of the poem and it should be. "Such" is in the way but other things could also fix this situations. I really don't know the best way to fix this without disturbing your meaning.
final thoughts- I thought this poem was great except for a few things that sound a bit off. I think it's amazing that you can actually say the closing line of this poem with confidence of your uncertainty and commend you in doing what many can't do them selves with their own faith.
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Poetry Reviews
6 of 5
Apparently, I don't understand the number system to well thinking that six goes into five without a fraction component. Actually, I do these type of weird number things for auctions all the time for various reason I create in my own mind at any given moment. But you get another review so that's nice. Basically, I didn't want to review this piece for the auction because of all the reviews on it but I found it during the auction so it has to be a part of it. Sometimes I just need to say things. anyway, to the review.
First off I'm not a huge fan of this title for many reasons that I will explain after telling you one thing about myself. I'm a sociologist or well that's what I went to college for and what I'm finishing my masters in. The self in society is a huge topic in the sociological academic world. In general turns it shows many ways in which an individual adheres to society, creates them self in society and how the singular self help constructs society. What you have done in this poem is very perceptive in the creation of self which I happen to like a lot. Some social theorist come to mind: Goffman; in how we act when people are around and how we act or prepare for theses actions. Cooley's; looking glass self as in how a person must reflect themselves according to the opinions of them self to others. Mead; the understanding of the "I" the "ME" and the social change of the whole society. and much much more.
I'm explaining this because your poem isn't really a illusion being unveiled but more of an awareness of the socially unconscious acts people have been already following.
I think that's all I got for this one.
Thanks for the read showing my love for social theory.
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Poetry Reviews
5 of 5
This poem is splendid. It's heartbreaking, comical (a bit), and a bit of dark and dreary.
I really have nothing much to say about the poem it's self but I think this poem needs a story friend with it. Why? well, I really want to know why you got cut loose from the 21 day contest. I think if you make the reason why in another poem or even a series of poem going through the time of this contest between fighting over one word from another to trying to wait for the next prompt. Maybe some joy of writing one poem from another or the torment without a way to involve a certain word of the prompt.
Basically, I'm a greedy little man that wants the whole story. I know, I'm heartless and cruel and overly demanding. I wish I knew what the contest was about even since I wasn't a part of WDC at that time.
GREAT poem. love the whole of it and I thank you for sharing it.
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Poetry Reviews
4 of 5
overall- I think this poem is amazing, filled with wonderful description and yearning for an old looking habitat to spring to life the persona's perfect home.
Suggestion:
I'm not a huge fan of repeating lines in poems however I think you used this repeating line pretty well. I think they are fine but that each "I want old tress-..." I think you should make a different stanza instead of keeping this together in one long poem. I think the separation will bring a stronger focus to the little details that you display so well in this little poem.
One thing I'm not to found of in this poem is how you wrap up into your conclusion.
"Then, should I be of a mind," this line is more awkward then witty in my mind and seems to take away from all the beautiful work you did before it. I think once you change that line this poem will be even better.
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Poetry Reviews
3 of 5
Overall- I love the subject of this poem and feel you made a potent point in the humans disregard for the world that isn't dealing with the humans agenda of living. Basically, I like how this poem says, even in death we care less about our environment around us and only adhere to human happenings.
Suggestions:
"confined in day to day death.
These join in ceremony to"
I would first change the period to a semi-colon. then remove "these" and make "join" into joining. Why? for me this would create a much better flow and would also keep the first ideas better connected then splicing them up with a period.
"confined in day to day death;
Joining in ceremony to"
I would also move "passing" in the next line after these two lines to the next line below it, making the line:
"Passing from steel to ash." for me this lines is even more deary then how it is now.
"change Latin to stained glass shattering vocals" - I absolutely love this line however I think it's really hard to say and think it needs to be fix up. I'm not sure how to fix it. Maybe if you took out "change" and putting a comma on the end of the line before it. Plus, over those three lines you use the word change three times so that maybe why I'm suggesting to you to take out the middle "change" truthfully I think this line is perfect for this poem and don't want to damage it in anyway but it's really hard to conceive and say so it needs some kind of reworking.
In the fourth to last line "where yet..." could be taken out of the line. I'm not sure why you placed it there truthfully.
I love the last lines sober and morbid feel. It's a great way to conclude this poem.
final thoughts:
I think this poem is great in its meaning and imagery that I find you do exceptionally well. I think some lines could be cleaned up a bit but other then that I think its great.
Thanks for the read.
Keep on Trucking
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