This is a review from a member of Showering Acts of Joy.
I I saw that it will soon be your 1 year anniversary. Congratulations! Thank you for asking me to come back and look at your extended story. I think you did a good job with your additions to the story. They helped explain why she was there. Depending on how long you feel like making this story, I saw where more could be add. I think it could actually become a book if you wanted to put that much into it. You have introduced two characters, her brother, and her captor, and another place(The Sirine). You don't have to focus all of your energy on that right now. Just make a place for notes and ideas in your word processor to save for later. If it helps, let this story rest for a while before going through the reviews. Please feel free to contact me if I can help you in any way.
If you would indulge me, these are just some observations I have made. Feel free to use or dismiss as you see fit.
ears. Before the heavy (ears. The heavy)
tracks and causing (tracks, and causing.., tracks, causing)
pain as she watched (pain. She)
space which was steadily (space, steadily)
she opened up (she woke up,)
close, her (close, and her)
more she heard (more, she)
door to the right swung forward (door swung forward,)
towers Ms. Balshine” (towers, Ms. Balshine,"
accent which gave (accent, giving)
brother who (brother, who)
here as I have been instructed to tell (here, as..instructed, to)
now Ms. Balshine.” (now, Ms. Balshine,")
children then why (children, then)
assault her she (her, she)
silence as questions (silence, as)
with it she screwed (it, she)
It was to her relief (She was relieved)
ring and the locks (ring, and the.., ring, and locks)
by one she made (one, she)
long sigh her (sigh, her)
place and quietly (place, and)
bed and a royal (bed, and)
“Come Ms ("Come, Ms.)
now” said (now," said)
bed she (bed, she)
again as she (again, as)
cologne and (cologne, and)
Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer. Keep up the good work and best of luck with all of your writing.
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