Hey Anita,
This is a review from a member of Showering Acts of Joy.
Thank you for asking me to look over this for you. You seem to have a good idea about where your story is going and I believe that it will be a good story. I'm sorry that I couldn't go on to Chapter 2 yet. I would like to give you some time to work these over a bit and come back. Just let me know when you are ready. I would be more than happy to look them over again.
If you would indulge me, these are just some observations I have made. Feel free to use or dismiss as you see fit.
Chapter 1
crazy she (crazy. She)
bun its (bun. Its)
tacky, she (tacky. She, tacky, and she)
I looked up (looked up.)
to earth I would (earth, I)
Ms. Sims yelled (yelled.)
I shouted (shouted.)
red-headed rocket Ms. (rocket. Mrs.)
voice was only an echo (voice only)
Suddenly I decided to stop being in rush and (I decided...being in such a rush, and)
I had a Tally (at Tally)
I slowing walked (I took my time walking)
thought then I went pasted (thought. Then..past)
room "I had (room. "I spent)
school I glanced (school. I)
threw the glass (through)
dancing and talking (dancing, and)
eyes I quickly brushed the (eyes. I...them)
stumbling his brown hair was flopping (stumbling, his brown hair flopping)
He yelled (he yelled.)
I shouted I took (shouted. I)
He asked (he asked.)
“Yeah totally I ("Yeah, totally.)
driver after (driver, after)
And as we jumped (As we)
ask a question (question.)
Oh no! ("Oh no!")
See she’s a girl (She's a girl)
ago Galaxy Middle (ago at)
She only fifteen (she's only)
I said (I said.)
like i was (like I)
He said (he said.)
year 3,000 (3000)
galaxies there (galaxies. Their)
powers for instance (powers. For)
lungs I have nothing to wear!” (lungs,"I have)
bad” said Princess she (bad." said Princess. She)
3,000 (3000)
on it and the pink (it, and)
I said! (I said.)
Princess she's the (Princess, she's)
than me 5"2 to (then me,)
years I've known her she's (years that I have known her. She's)
and strong (and strong,)
skinny doesn't (skinny, doesn't)
curves she has long (curves, and long)
grows up me on the other hand I don't (grows up, me on the other hand, I don't)
I'll having for dinner (I'll be having)
“Okay thanks got to go time ("Okay, thanks...go. Time)
Princess yelled (Princess yelled.)
bed, I was (bed. I)
person not a kid anymore but (person, not..anymore,)
I know this looks like a lot, but most of it is just some forgotten punctuation and missed words. It's nothing major. If you can, try to do away with as many passive words as you can. I know in some places you can't, but I saw places where it would be easy to. You have a few things that you really don't need but I can go into that later if you want.
If you have a writing program on your computer, you could copy this onto that, and work on it in your free time so that you don't have to do so many edits on here. I find that to be very helpful. If you don't have one, let me know and I will tell you where to find the one that I use. Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer. Keep up the good work and best of luck with all of your writing.
| | Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1757481 by Not Available. |
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
|