*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/missy0201/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5
Review Requests: OFF
482 Public Reviews Given
532 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I pick the item apart and give as much feedback as I can about potential problems that may need to be addressed.
I'm good at...
Most grammar and punctuation issues.
Favorite Genres
Horror, Supernatural, Suspense, Thriller, Dark, Ghost, Non-sense, Comedy, or anything relating to these.
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica, Fanfiction, War, Military, Spiritual, Religious, Nonfiction, Arts, or anything relating to these.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry, Novels
I will not review...
I'll not review any item that has not be edited to the writer's best ability, or that I find impossible to read and review because of an abundance of grammar and punctuation mistakes that I feel the author could have corrected during editing.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 4 -5- 6 ... Next
101
101
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hey S.J.,

This is a review from a member of Showering Acts of Joy. *Delight*


This was a good story considering your word limit. I think that you could get a bigger story out of it if you wanted to. I was wondering how and why she was in this situation. You had some pretty good descriptions in here. You have enough to build a longer story.

If you would indulge me, these are just some observations I have made. Feel free to use or dismiss as you see fit. *RollEyes*

an, oh so ironic symbol of victory she (an oh so ironic..victory, she)
ear and she viciously pulled hard ripping (ear, pulling viciously, ripping. ear, pulling hard, ripping)
allow and the echoes (allow, and)
screaming “Thief, (screaming,)
her!” Before (before she hard a)
thud, as something (thud as something)
her head stopping (her head, stopping)
tracks, before she collapsed (tracks. She)
room which steadily grew (room growing)


Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer. Keep up the good work and best of luck with all of your writing. *Reading*


 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1757481 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


102
102
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey Anita,

This is a review from a member of Showering Acts of Joy. *Delight*


Thank you for asking me to look over this for you. You seem to have a good idea about where your story is going and I believe that it will be a good story. I'm sorry that I couldn't go on to Chapter 2 yet. I would like to give you some time to work these over a bit and come back. Just let me know when you are ready. I would be more than happy to look them over again.

If you would indulge me, these are just some observations I have made. Feel free to use or dismiss as you see fit. *RollEyes*

Chapter 1

crazy she (crazy. She)
bun its (bun. Its)
tacky, she (tacky. She, tacky, and she)
I looked up (looked up.)
to earth I would (earth, I)
Ms. Sims yelled (yelled.)
I shouted (shouted.)
red-headed rocket Ms. (rocket. Mrs.)
voice was only an echo (voice only)
Suddenly I decided to stop being in rush and (I decided...being in such a rush, and)
I had a Tally (at Tally)
I slowing walked (I took my time walking)
thought then I went pasted (thought. Then..past)
room "I had (room. "I spent)
school I glanced (school. I)
threw the glass (through)
dancing and talking (dancing, and)
eyes I quickly brushed the (eyes. I...them)
stumbling his brown hair was flopping (stumbling, his brown hair flopping)
He yelled (he yelled.)
I shouted I took (shouted. I)
He asked (he asked.)
“Yeah totally I ("Yeah, totally.)
driver after (driver, after)
And as we jumped (As we)
ask a question (question.)
Oh no! ("Oh no!")
See she’s a girl (She's a girl)
ago Galaxy Middle (ago at)
She only fifteen (she's only)
I said (I said.)
like i was (like I)
He said (he said.)
year 3,000 (3000)
galaxies there (galaxies. Their)
powers for instance (powers. For)
lungs I have nothing to wear!” (lungs,"I have)
bad” said Princess she (bad." said Princess. She)
3,000 (3000)
on it and the pink (it, and)
I said! (I said.)
Princess she's the (Princess, she's)
than me 5"2 to (then me,)
years I've known her she's (years that I have known her. She's)
and strong (and strong,)
skinny doesn't (skinny, doesn't)
curves she has long (curves, and long)
grows up me on the other hand I don't (grows up, me on the other hand, I don't)
I'll having for dinner (I'll be having)
“Okay thanks got to go time ("Okay, thanks...go. Time)
Princess yelled (Princess yelled.)
bed, I was (bed. I)
person not a kid anymore but (person, not..anymore,)
I know this looks like a lot, but most of it is just some forgotten punctuation and missed words. It's nothing major. If you can, try to do away with as many passive words as you can. I know in some places you can't, but I saw places where it would be easy to. You have a few things that you really don't need but I can go into that later if you want.



If you have a writing program on your computer, you could copy this onto that, and work on it in your free time so that you don't have to do so many edits on here. I find that to be very helpful. If you don't have one, let me know and I will tell you where to find the one that I use. Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer. Keep up the good work and best of luck with all of your writing. *Reading*


 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1757481 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


103
103
Review of A fairy Tale  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey Nat,

This is a review from a member of Showering Acts of Joy. *Delight*


I really liked reading this story. It started off well and finished well. I liked the conflict when she thought she would have to kill Garus. It was a good story that just needs some simple corrections. I have listed the major things that I found but I may have missed some. I hope this helps you.

If you would indulge me, these are just some observations I have made. Feel free to use or dismiss as you see fit. *RollEyes*

step from the door way (stepped from the doorway)
'please Lady, I beg of you, help me' ("Please...help me,")
'not another' ("Not another,")
'I take care of that for you' ("I'll take..you,"
I.....I' the womans (I...I." The woman's)
return' with (return." With)
Punctuation goes before the last quotation mark.
wish to remain (wished)
Alunyu kill (Alunyu, kill)
herself Shadow (herself. Shadow)
lunge forward (lunged)
with step (with a step)
same twine together (wine)
Altos, she (Altos. She)
this is ("This is)
'and this is ("And this is)
stomach, the man (stomach. The man)
bowing to her 'the (her. "The)
she was unable (She was)
said her voice choked with emotion 'I cant....I' she (said. Her...emotion. "I can't...I." She)
Garus, her (Garus. Her)
Garus, she (Garus. She)
did not know, he back (his)
One she was (Once)
sitting their (there)
'another ale?' ("Another ale?")
said 'two enough for me with some vagabond running around' each man nodded his agreement (said, "two is...around." Each..agreement.)
check all of your conversation, punctuation and capitailzation.
skip a line between each paragraph to make it easier to read, and separate long conversations line by line in their own paragraph.



Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer. Keep up the good work and best of luck with all of your writing. *Reading*


 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1757481 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


104
104
Review of A Different World  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey Silent,

This is a review from a member of Showering Acts of Joy. *Delight*


I was just like this once. I hated it. At that time I didn't have the social network to fall back on. I spend most of my days and nights on here now. I know that I should be doing something productive with my life but I'm always here. The computer is sometimes all I have to chase away the boredom of life. I have traded my facebook addiction for WDC. This was well written with so much truth. You did a very good job.




Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer. Keep up the good work and best of luck with all of your writing. *Reading*


 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1757481 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


105
105
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey M,

This is a review from a member of Showering Acts of Joy. *Delight*


I enjoyed this story. It kept my attention and the ending was a shock. You were very descriptive in your narration and I liked hearing her story.It may have been me but I thought that I could detect a small change in some of her dialog. I thought you did a very good job with it and the story line was good. I didn't find any major mistakes or much that needed correcting. Good Job.

If you would indulge me, these are just some observations I have made. Feel free to use or dismiss as you see fit. *RollEyes*

Hues of deep green, black and blue-gray spark out as the moon too, swept into her gaze, dazzling across them. (I'm not sure about what you are describing in this line.)
as intense blue as this sea. (as intense a blue, as intense as the blue of this sea)
as had become routine. (as had become his routine., as had become a routine.)
Silvia or her father and I would (her father I would)
settles down into side of the rock, (settles down into the side, settles down on the side)
neither him nor Silvia (neither he nor Silvia, neither he or Sylvia)
sensation only one could consider (one could only, sensation that one could only)



Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer. Keep up the good work and best of luck with all of your writing. *Reading*


 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1757481 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


106
106
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey Arman,

This is a review from a member of Showering Acts of Joy. *Delight*


I Think you did a good job with this subject. The conversations felt real. If I had to guess, I can honestly say that I don't have a clue what it means or may mean. I know that it was entertaining. The biggest things that I saw as far as mistakes was some spelling and capitalizing mistakes. The opening paragraph could use just a tiny amount of detail added if you wanted to do that. Nothing big.Nice subject. I would like to read more if you ever think about adding to it.

Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer. Keep up the good work and best of luck with all of your writing. *Reading*


 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1757481 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


107
107
Review of Fifty Seconds  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey Naomi,

This is a review from a member of Showering Acts of Joy. *Delight*


I thought that you did very well with this piece. it felt honest and real. It left me wondering if it was real. It felt very enotional and I couldn't imagine it not being real. I don't think there is anything major to work on here. I've made a few notes below but that's all my opinion. I liked it and it follows along with how I believe a seventeen year old girl would feel. I do truly hope that this is a story and not reality for you. If it is just a story than you have succeeded in writing a good story.

If you would indulge me, these are just some observations I have made. Feel free to use or dismiss as you see fit. *RollEyes*

but nether answer. (answered)
was at the moment (that moment)
Threatening to spill over my eyes, I swallowed back my tears. (you may need to switch these two parts around, and find another word to use besides swallowed or change the other one in the paragraph.)
I was moved here. (I moved here)
hands her the (hands me?)
take my mum’s and father’s wedding bands and string them through the necklace. I hold on tight for a moment and squeeze before I put them on the necklace. Check these sentences. The first one you put them on and the second one is before you put them on.)



Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer. Keep up the good work and best of luck with all of your writing. *Reading*


 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1757481 by Not Available.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


108
108
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey SWPoet,

This is a review from a member of Showering Acts of Joy. *Delight*


Here I am back again to give you another review. I read both versions of your poem and I liked them both. I'm not familiar with this type of poem, so I'm not a very good judge of it. I'm not actually good at judging any poetry. The only poetry I've ever written had rhymed and I still can't judge anyone else. I guess all that really matters is that I understand what you have written. I did understand it, and I think you did a good job. Keep up the good work.




Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer. Keep up the good work and best of luck with all of your writing. *Reading*


 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1757481 by Not Available.



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


109
109
Review of Absence of Time  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey Pat,

This is a review from a member of Showering Acts of Joy. *Delight*


I thought that I would poke around your port some more and see what other goodies you had to share. You have such a gift for poetry. I have enjoyed every poem I have been able to read from your port. Your descriptions are mind blowing. You have done such a great job writing this and it just seems to flow so naturally.




Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer. Keep up the good work and best of luck with all of your writing. *Reading*



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


110
110
Review of Release  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hey Pat,

This is a review from a member of Showering Acts of Joy. *Delight*


I thought that I would stop by with another review for you. This is a beautifully written poem. I'm not any good at judging poetry, but I do know that I really liked this one. Your descriptions and flow made it easy to read and understand. I think that it fits this picture perfectly. I'm so glad that you wrote it and shared it with us, and that I found it.




Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer. Keep up the good work and best of luck with all of your writing. *Reading*



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


111
111
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey Duke,

This is a review from a member of Showering Acts of Joy. *Delight*


I chose this to review because it was about a small town. I live in a small town. After this I'm so jealous. we finally got more red lights but we don't have anything open after nine or 10 o'clock. I really enjoyed how you wrote this. I liked the flow and descriptions. I loved that you described Exxon as the patron Saint of graveyard attendants. Just one thing about that part. I thought you need to add shift in between graveyard and attendants. It kind of sounds like he works in a grave yard. I liked it whether you add it or not. It was very entertaining.



Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer. Keep up the good work and best of luck with all of your writing. *Reading*



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


112
112
Review of Of Salem, Then  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey SWPoet,

This is a review from a member of Showering Acts of Joy. *Delight*


This poem caught my attention because it was about Salem. I'm fascinated by what went on there and like reading about. It always amazes me that people could honestly do things like that. I'm sorry to say that I had never looked at any other events or actions that are similar. You point out several thing that have happened that are on the same type of level. You show how throughout history, so many races and people have been punished for their differences. It really opened my eyes to that.




Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer. Keep up the good work and best of luck with all of your writing. *Reading*



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


113
113
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hey Nicki,

This is a review from a member of Showering Acts of Joy. *Delight*


I enjoyed reading this story. I just couldn't help be be pulled into it. Your descriptions and conversations were very well written. It flowed at just the right pace and kept me on my toes. Just when I thought they were going to get him any time, you would draw me somewhere else. the suspense was just right. I kind of hated for it to end, but I couldn't see where you could add anything else to it. I enjoyed the characters, especially Nolan. I don't know why, but As soon as he spoke, I could hear his voice. It could be because I'm use to the language. I know kudzu can be aggravating, but I never thought it could be that dangerous. I'll never be able to look at it the same again.

If you would indulge me, these are just some observations I have made. Feel free to use or dismiss as you see fit. *RollEyes*

clothes like he’d jumped, fully dressed (clothes, as if he had jumped fully..)
He tightened his tie knot (He tightened the knot in his tie,)
as the vine lengthening and grew. (vine lengthened and grew(or) vine grew in length)
flailing arms to neighboring vines (arms in neighboring)
deep as the house was tall. (as high as the house)
tightened, squeezing. (what or how were they squeezing?
smashed apart, their roots (leaving their roots (or) and their roots)


Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer. Keep up the good work and best of luck with all of your writing. *Reading*



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


114
114
Review of Dark Spaces  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hey Pat,

This is a review from a member of Showering Acts of Joy. *Delight*


This was a touching poem. It took me to a place I didn't really want to go back to, and have tried to forget. I believe that's what makes a poem truly great. I'm not really a judge of poetry although I wrote a lot of it before I found my way to stories. Poems just too emotional and real for me. The message was clear and easily understood, and I enjoyed reading it.


Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer. Keep up the good work and best of luck with all of your writing. *Reading*



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


115
115
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey Brockers,

This is a review from a member of Showering Acts of Joy. *Delight*


This was a good first chapter. It was easy for me to follow and understand. For the most part, it flowed well and the events seemed in order. you seemed to know the subject matter, and made it sound real.

If you would indulge me, these are just some observations I have made. Feel free to use or dismiss as you see fit. *RollEyes*


Two of Campbell’s aides stood with their backs to the wall and their hands neatly clasped in front of them, wearing dark suits and white shirts. (Two of Campbell's aids, wearing dark suits and white shirts, stood....them.)
‘She tells me that at half twelve this morning outside his home in Burgess Hill a five man gang opened fire on Ethan Brook’s car, killing all three occupants, Ethan, his driver and an unidentified girl. (cut into a couple of sentences.)
Ethan was hit five times (Was he hit, or his car?)
nothing to chance, according (chance. According)
according to the police a total (According to the police, a total)
were used and the five men (used, and)
near Brighton, was a famous (Brighton, had become a)
turned right or towards (right, or)
this one closed speedily. (quickly?)
written his first draught (draft?)
by giving back the money to Sussex by donating it (Sussex, along with donating) night at half five (at half past five)
join a gym or jog or swim (gym, jog, or swim.)
There was a few sentences that could be divided into two or more, and check your punctuation.



Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer. Keep up the good work and best of luck with all of your writing. *Reading*



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


116
116
Review of Voices in My Head  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hey Vivian,

This is a review from a member of Showering Acts of Joy. *Delight*


I enjoyed reading this story. I liked the conflict of good and evil and it's effects on the sub-conscious. It shows the good and bad in everyone and the reader comes away with a good message. It was very realistic and believable. It was written well, flowed nicely,and easy to grasp the story line. I couldn't find anything wrong with it.



Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer. Keep up the good work and best of luck with all of your writing. *Reading*



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


117
117
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey Bonnie,

This is a review from a member of Showering Acts of Joy. *Delight*


I thought that this was a good little read. I was glad that they were trying to put the pieces back together, even though I know it must have been hard. I was so happy for them in the end when they finally found him.

If you would indulge me, these are just some observations I have made. Feel free to use or dismiss as you see fit. *RollEyes*



toddler son (not sure about this. maybe small?)
another city, another (city, in yet another)
Chicago, this time (Chicago. This time)
proud she was (proud that she)
Jay, the perpetual (Jay, and the(along with the)perpetual)
Brad continually (Brad was)
providence he had (that he had)
take this job move (make this move)
it was time, acceptance (time for acceptance.)
He did not know; she didn't talk to him any more about Jay. (He didn't know. She didn't talk to him about Jay any more.)
“The realtor never explained this was baby boomer central,” The realtor...."baby boomer")
her have fun (her having fun)
door he turned (door and turned)
to comfort his wife. (to comfort her.)



Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer. Keep up the good work and best of luck with all of your writing. *Reading*



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


118
118
Review of I Am  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey ,

This is a review from a member of Showering Acts of Joy. *Delight*


I enjoyed reading this. I think this poem says a lot about you. Have faith and you will reach your goals. Don't worry, you will find your path.

If you would indulge me, these are just some observations I have made. Feel free to use or dismiss as you see fit. *RollEyes*

None


Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer. Keep up the good work and best of luck with all of your writing. *Reading*



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


119
119
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey Natbutterflyblue,

This is a review from a member of Showering Acts of Joy. *Delight*


You have done a good job with this first chapter. You caught my attention and kept it through the whole piece. It moved along at a good pace. let me just add a thank you for using a bigger size for your text. It made it easier to read.

If you would indulge me, these are just some observations I have made. Feel free to use or dismiss as you see fit. *RollEyes*

Running as fast as her feet would carry her she dashed (carry her, she)
corners of her eyes, he had just (her eyes. He )
come from the Lady Amaranths apartments, a close friend of the queens. (apartments,who was a)
awakened feelings in Faith she had (feelings in her that)
Faith she had never before felt. (she had never felt before.)
With perfect clarity she saw what must be done, an eerie calm settled over her and she walked forward, the knife poised in her small delicate hand (must be done. An eerie calm settled over her. She began to walk forward, the...)
She drove the blade forward, standing on the tips of her toes, and jerked the dagger across his throat feeling the flesh give way. (standing on the tips of her toes, she drove the blade forward, Jerking the dagger across his throat, feeling the flesh give way.)
She couldn't know how many mercenaries were lurking about, but one thing she did know, she must get Airianna out of there alive and that meant now. (She couldn't(didn't) know....one thing she did know, she had to get..., and that meant now.)
Taking Airianna by the hand she led them (led her)
Faith shook her head, she must not think of that now, not when Airiannas life was in her hands. (Faith shook her head. She must not think of that now. Not when...)
people, dead or dying (people who lay dead or dying.)
unlock the trapdoor, cautiously (trapdoor. Cautiously)
'Quick in here' came a ("Quick, in here.", came a Bowing to the princess quickly, he climbed (Is he bowing quickly to the princess or climbing quickly?)

Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer. Keep up the good work and best of luck with all of your writing. *Reading*



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


120
120
Review of the shadow master  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey Morgan,

This is a review from Showering Acts of Joy. *Delight*


This is an interesting story. I wondered why Peaches wanted the boy. It kept me reading. I think it's a good idea for a story. The first two sentences led well into the story.

If you would indulge me, these are just some observations I have made. Feel free to use or dismiss as you see fit. *RollEyes*

1. Spelling errors, punctuation
2. He pulled a small knife from inside one of his many concealed pockets. He made his way towards a house. He knocked sharply on the door.(This could be combined into one sentance to do away with all of the 'he'. It is over used in this part)
3. “So glad you could come”the man inside said. He was a small man and rather overweight, quite a contrast to the other man who was tall and muscular. “Come in peach”. (Maybe start with him opening the door, his description, peaches description, and put his dialog together in one place.)
4. Use Peaches' name instead of a description in the next sentence.
5. It was obvious that he was the man with the authority as he sat before he was offered a seat and poured himself a whiskey. (no need to tell us what is obvious. We can fill that in with his actions.)
6. The paragraphs could be broken down into easier to follow paragraphs.
7. most of this story seemed rushed and missing details that were needed.


Don't get discouraged when it comes to writing. It takes a lot of patience and time. I would suggest that if you have a writing program on your computer, that you write a rough draft there so that you can add or take away as you see fit. When you feel like you have gone as far as you can and need help, post it on here. This is how I do all of my writing. I use WDC for the feedback to help me fine tune it.

Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer.Keep up the good work and best of luck with all of your writing.
*Reading*
121
121
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoyed reading this story. Her state of mind was clear. I felt that it became less about Becca's life and more about the bears. *Wink*

If you would indulge me, these are just some observations I have made. Feel free to use or dismiss as you see fit. *RollEyes*

I thought that you may have lost a little of your pace when you introduced the bears into the story.
Behind the tree and coming up fast were a little ball of black fur and huge mound with matching fur. Becca knew there were bears in the area and she was pleased at the opportunity to watch mama and baby bear play.
coming up fast was a little...
I felt that the descriptions of the bears could use more details. Maybe a comma after area and perhaps leave out (and she) along with (bear) in the last line.

In the next paragraph, you can do away with (bears) when reffering to them, maybe use always remember instead of remember forever.

The last sentence might sound better if it was made into two sentnces such as:
As they started toward the cabin, she turned and looked at her foot prints in the snow. Along side of then was a set of paw prints, and she knew....


Thank you for sharing this story. I'm not a professional, just a reader and writer.Keep up the good work and best of luck with all of your writing. *Reading*
122
122
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I thought that this was a very well written story. I found it easy to read and entertaining. Very unique. The conversations were well written.

I liked it when Irene wanted to have her fiance turned into a donkey. And I think that she made the right decision to become a cat and let Wilfort be her guardian.


These are just some suggestions that I thought about:

Wilfort turned the knob on his glasses to the reading setting. To his relief, it also turned Irene's rather immodest appearance into a rather indistinct blur. He opened a desk drawer and took out several sheets of paper. He looked over them over, saying, "This is a permission form for the transformation."

He looked over them over, saying, ( I think this is just a typo that is easily fixed)

I would have liked to know more about his magic books that he kept secured in the cabinet. Could there be a little more explaining how they related to his magic? I just didn't know why they were brought up later with Irene and dropped. I thought that mentioning them at the first was fine since it was leading us into the story. you might could do away with the other references That's for you to decide.


Over all a great read. Thank you for taking the time to write, and share it. I'm not a professional. Just a reader and writer. Keep up the good work and good luck with all of your writing.
*Reading*
123
123
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This story was very well written. It was easy to follow, and understand. It kept me guessing about what was going to happen next and I wanted to know why they all hated the father so much. As I read it, It didn't seem strange at all that their sister came back alive. I liked all of the detail that you put into it. I think I found a couple of spelling mistakes but that was all.

Keep up the great work, and best of luck with all of your writing.
124
124
Review of I MISS YOU MOM  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I'm so sorry for your loss.

This poem really touched me. I too lost my mom in 2004 and I know how hard that it is. This poem made me think of her. I have written a poem about my mom passing also. I like it when I dream about her. I feel like she is with me and everything is all right.

Thank you for writing this poem and sharing it with the world.
125
125
Review of DEAR DIARY  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This story was a nice surprise. I really liked it. I cauldn't believe he found the diary for the wife he murdered. I couldn't help but laugh at the irony of that. Poetic justice.


Again the sound, it is coming from the attic
I thought that maybe in this sentince you could possibly go with it's.
I was kind of lost about how he got to bed and betweenhim sitting on the bed and opening the attic door. Did he climb the ladder and see the cobwebs and shadows?

Over all it was a very good read. I'm not a professional. Just a reader and writer. These are just some suggestions that I had. Keep up the good work.

128 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 6 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/missy0201/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/5