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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nordicnoir
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80 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
Review by NordicNoir
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is an effective use of the second person POV, something that is difficult to pull off. Because the reader is addressed directly, the reader is forced to be the main character and to "experience" the action in the story. For this short story, it works very well.

The piece is well-titled as the story takes the character from experience to experience, finally settling her in a place that is neither heaven nor hell, but much like reality, it has both in it.

A few suggestions you are free to ignore as this is just my opinion:

In the second paragraph the word "gives" appears a few too many times.
He gives you the warmest of hugs and the sweetest cuddles. He whispers promises that could make you swoon. He gives you forehead kisses like he was the knight protecting you from bad dreams. He gives you affectionate pats and meaningful advice. He cooks you food and gives you drinks
Perhaps you could replace "gives" with another verb in one or two places, such as - "he wraps you in the warmest of hugs" or "he cooks you food and mixes your drinks" or some other descriptive verbs you prefer.

Due to your insistence of drinking sleeping pills just to reach a slumber, I feel like there's a verb missing. I would change it to "insistence on drinking and taking sleeping pills" or "due to your insistence on consuming both alcohol and sleeping pills" or something similar.

He was the type to wait no matter how long it would take for you to warm up to him because you got all e I don't like "got". I think because you "have" or even "had" all eternity sounds better.

Again, these are just suggestions that I think would make this good piece just a little easier to read for your audience. The ideas behind this piece are imaginative and well-expressed. I enjoyed reading it and it gives me much to think about. I wonder if the character has finally reached that in-between state through pills and drink, ending up in a permanent state of sleep, or coma? I may be wrong, but it feels that way to me.

Keep writing more like this excellent piece.



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2
Review of A New Look  
Review by NordicNoir
Rated: E | (4.0)
The tragedy of a dropped phone whose owner didn't buy that protective case. The phone's fears of being replaced are not unwarranted, humans always want the shiny,new thing. Good job of making me feel sorry for the phone.
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3
Review of Falling Leaves  
Review by NordicNoir
Rated: E | (4.5)
This poem is a little moment spent in the season, the lines evoking a familiar and lovely scene.
4
4
Review by NordicNoir
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I probably shouldn't like poems about suicide but this one reads like a Woody Allen description with not just abject defeatism, but also some dark humor peppered with interesting facts (such as how fast a body will fall).

I particularly liked:
Concrete reality
Certain lethality
Flat and smooth
Brutal efficiency
To be abused
From this height


and
Life brought me here
I will let myself down…


As well as
Melodramatic
Is the fool
Who stands here
Relaying the facts
With regard to
All that he has done


Because, you couldn't really do a suicide without melodrama. Whether or not the suicidal one has ample reasons or only reasons that others don't consider serious, they have to reach the height of melodrama in the mind and assessment of the suicidal person.

Overall, some interesting insights and unique approach.

5
5
Review of Brother Mine  
Review by NordicNoir
Rated: E | (4.0)
A very touching poem with a lot of emotional impact. The questions that haunt those left behind when a loved one commits suicide, they are never answered. A brave poem that lays it all bare for the reader to see.
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6
Review by NordicNoir
Rated: E | (4.5)
This brings Christmas to my mind with its traditional themes and atmosphere. The repeat of "A bright morning star" brings the spiritual side into the poem as a gentle reminder without being intrusive. Very pleasant read.
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7
Review by NordicNoir
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is an honest, moving story that, although it deals with a somber subject, leaves the reader with a smile. A realistic, but gentle treatment of an experience we all face eventually and the very human ability to both smile and cry through it.
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Review by NordicNoir
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I like the way the third stanza brings a stark reality in to strip away the magic of the first two scenes and replaces the idealized blush of dawn with the soot that bleeds the color from the day. The descriptions paint the picture and the imagery rings true with the reader. Nicely done.
9
9
Review by NordicNoir
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a powerful poem full of honest emotion. I can relate to the experiences and feelings detailed in the first part of the poem and felt uplifted by the ending. I enjoyed reading this.
10
10
Review of Lem and Lime  
Review by NordicNoir
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I just knew they would eventually discover what a good team they made! The meter is steady and the rhymes enjoyable without being cloying or sing-song-y (is that a word?). A tasty little poem about friendship,teamwork and the sum being more than its parts. I enjoyed this tale in rhyme. Thanks.
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11
Review of The Plan  
Review by NordicNoir
Rated: E | (5.0)
A dastardly, but clever, plan. Thank goodness that pets aren't this devious or it would be dangerous to have them about. I got that they were dogs/pets but didn't see the point of the plan until the reveal at the end. Nice twist, and creative storytelling.
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Review by NordicNoir
Rated: E | (5.0)
I envy your Christmas memories, and some echo memories of my own. A poem full of warmth and reverie, lovely memories and Christmas. What's not to like? A lovely read, thank you.
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Review of The Prefect  
Review by NordicNoir
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a realistic story of friendship and the ways in which power corrupts- even small amounts of power. Lyn manages to not openly betray her scheming friends while still saving Melanie. She saves Melanie not just from the eggs, but also from the character-damaging role of prefect. It's tidy little story with believable characters and realistic dialogue. Good use of prompts to create the "ethical quandary". Well done.
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Review of Our Inn  
Review by NordicNoir
Rated: E | (4.0)
Pretty good concept for a story with a surprise ending. Ants in lines is believable as they are extremely organized creatures. I wondered why if the narrator could find the body so easily, the family couldn't. Or perhaps that is the point? A mystery that is both solved and yet deepened at the same time. A few issues with tenses need to be cleaned up but that is a minor concern.
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Review of The Heart Gallery  
Review by NordicNoir
Rated: E | (5.0)
This poem succinctly sums up the duality of man's nature, and serves as an impactful commentary on the internal struggle for dominance between intellect and emotion.
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16
Review of Anonymous  
Review by NordicNoir
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
The premise is a scary one and perfect for horror/suspense. The sequence of events is believable and of course, it is very easy for a young girl to meet a dastardly stalker on the internet. In my opinion (which you can ignore if you think I am wrong, it's your story) is that you would find the story flows better and you would have more freedom to describe the environment and build atmosphere if you didn't write this in the first person. If you switch to a third person POV, you can tell the same story but without having to explain at the end how we know what Kira was thinking, etc.(third POV can be omniscient). You can still bring in the character of Anonymous at the end - perhaps he is reading the newspaper or watching the tv news about the murder and he is gloating. I think if you go third person POV and flesh out some detailed descriptions to build the horror and suspense, you've got a smashing story. Again, your plot is great, perfect for the genre. Nice job with the story telling.
17
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Review of Clueless  
Review by NordicNoir
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Why do I feel like I know where Susan is? You leave the reader with a mystery - or do you? Interesting concept and a novel use for farmland. I wish only for a more gruesome ending. Enjoyed reading.
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Review of Aground  
Review by NordicNoir
Rated: E | (5.0)
The powerful emotional impact of this poem may initially distract the reader from its masterful use of language and consistent imagery through the ocean/sailing metaphors, from sudden storms to the doldrums and the shallows and the double meanings that express this helpless time of life exactly as in "washed up and beached". Wonderful, evocative, painful portrait of the human condition.
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19
Review by NordicNoir
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like the way you turn the personification from positive to negative connotations. It is how we view nature, how we assign to nature our concepts beauty and virtue. Nicely turned.
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Review by NordicNoir
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a fun little rhyme that all of us caffeine-addicted readers can relate to. It is very hard to make coffee with those eyelids so heavy and just the basic ineptitude of morning hampering your efforts. I found this poem to be amusing and entertaining. Very nice!
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21
Review by NordicNoir
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I really liked this story, it has a certain cheeky surreal approach to fiction, and the reader is not required to have any relationship with reality at all. It reminds me of a story I once wrote about mayonnaise and time travel. I don't think many people understand the intricacies of science fiction cuisine. I might assume that the bolded words are the prompts, but I don't think that knowledge is necessary or even helpful. I would rather just enjoy the story and try to live with the final image of Mark eating spaghetti wherever he could find it haunting my evening meal. Great stuff.
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Review of Recliner  
Review by NordicNoir
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very amusing poem. The tone is friendly, the imagery and the situations are accessible and relatable to the reader. The rhyme scheme is consistent and it flows well. A poem of excuses could be a very useful thing to have if one is ever called upon to go to the gym. I enjoyed reading this.
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Review of Time  
Review by NordicNoir
Rated: E | (4.0)
A wistful poem at the start, but one that brings us around to a sort of resignation to the inevitable. Time - something that everyone watches go by too quickly. The poem speaks of many experiences and emotions that the reader identifies with. There are a few really interesting lines and concepts. My favorite rhyme is the internal near rhyme:

Time is invincible; Time the endless foe
It’s fleeting and invisible, gone before you know


I also liked the repetition of "disappears...just disappears" as it conveys the fading away of life and memories.

I like the use of the ellipse less, but that's a personal preference due to some writers who overuse it to avoid punctuation decisions.

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Review of The Bridge  
Review by NordicNoir
Rated: E | (5.0)
Now that's the kind of ending that puts the twist in plot twist. Teaches you also to never do anything on a dare, never trust a small boy and don't mess with trolls - even if you think they don't exist. Nearly an Aesop's fable. Very good, thanks for the link.
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Review by NordicNoir
Rated: E | (4.0)
You paint a poignant scene, allowing us to experience Mrs. Johnson's thoughts and visions as she slips beyond this life. It's an interesting concept, unique. We are given vignettes from her memories which show us that the highlights of her life and memory are the people that she loved and her enjoyment of nature. I think we can all relate to those feelings of nostalgia for the simple but lovely things in life.

My main impression is that you may give too much description. It is hard to resist telling all the colors you see in a beautiful sunrise for instance, but if you give the reader everything then it doesn't spark his imagination. If you can engage his imagination then he will paint the scene in his head with your words. If you give the reader the impression of a rambunctious puppy, he will see many of the things you describe about it without being told each one specifically. I would choose two or three of those descriptive phrases to bring the puppy to life in the imagination of the reader.

I also felt that the memories and visions ought to stay as close to Mrs Johnson as possible. This is her life drifting peacefully in front of our eyes, and I think that closeness and relationship to the scenes depicted is strained when we follow sunrise North to South or the sky mirroring into puddles on roadways. I can see that you are setting up the larger world around her and then pulling it down to just her small part of it, but I think the piece is strongest when we are engulfed in her memories, experiencing actual moments and feelings from her life. We want to know her and we learn about her from the memories and sensations she is sharing with us.

The piece begins with a joyful feeling and ends slightly melancholy, which is right for your subject. The contrast of the rain and the hush over the funeral with the sunshine and lively chatter of children and neighbors in her life's memories is a nice touch and the difference is felt by the reader rather than perceived.

I liked the concept and the piece is well-ordered and constructed. The reader feels the joy of those lovely memories and the mourning of those who have lost this important character in their lives. We feel the difference that one life makes in many others.
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