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471 Public Reviews Given
488 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
If you're really desperate for a review, feel free to email me. Just don't expect a very quick turnaround. NB: I'm happy to review novels. I tend to review from the point of view of a reader rather than an editor. I 'nitpick' on anything that interrupts my reading flow. If you want me to go all out with nitpicking in general, ask me to do a line-by-line. Quite happy to do so - as a copied static or email.
I'm good at...
Getting into the story from the reader's perspective.
Favorite Genres
M/M, romance, horror, western
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Dreamer  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Dave Ryan

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the March round of "A Newbie Short Story Contest" . Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
At the beginning of this story, the reader really doesn’t know what’s going on or what will unfold. I think that really ties in with ‘dreams’. Turns out, that both things really tie in with Jack’s illness, but we don’t know what that is for a while. I expect we’re all thinking along the lines of a mental illness, some sort of retardation – as if Rob is visiting him in a psychiatric hospital.

Unfortunately, the reasons are not much better – an inoperable thing against the brain that is not only causing stress to the sufferer but stress to his family. I think it’s totally reasonable that Rob is feeling the strain of visiting his brother, and it must be even more so when his brother is actually experiencing a rational moment. I think you did a great job of showing Rob’s stress and his strong will to stay in control, especially during this particular visit. Jack might be the one with the dreams and noise and so-on in his head but I wouldn’t be surprised if Rob was suffering some of those things too.

Assisted suicide is certainly a rough topic, and it’s understandable their mother had a bit of a meltdown around it, but it’s also harsh for someone so ill to keep having to live (which includes their body just refusing to give it up!). Jack’s words really hit hard – it’s a pity Rob didn’t think to record them. I thought the saddest part was Jack using ‘Robby’ in his plea—obviously his nickname for him, with a deeper meaning that just ‘Rob’.

There was a 2000-word limit on the contest you originally wrote this story for, and you were well under that. This particular contest allowed a further 500 words on top so it would have been interesting to see you carry on the story – showing Rob’s research or even including an epilogue sort of thing to give us a more ‘complete’ end. I would like to have seen the fight for the power of attorney because I think that would have been at the centre of the end.

I feel Jack for having that song in his head. It’s an earworm, alright!


Things to Work On
Just a few little things I noticed.

“… head in your hands, oh no” – just needs a full stop after ‘no’.

Rob puffed out his checks – cheeks, I presume *Smile*

… turning up here every other day… – I think ‘for’ needs to be added after ‘here’.

… hysterical until Rick realised… – wrong name.

… were slim to say the least.. – one full stop too many here.


Closing Comments
This is a deep, heartfelt story, but I did feel it was missing something – almost like it wasn’t complete. On the other hand, it still makes the reader serious and reserved, and empathetic towards both brothers, and I think that a reader who feels is a reader who stays (thinking about the characters or the plot for a long time afterwards).

Thank you once again for entering "A Newbie Short Story Contest" , and I look forward to seeing more of your stories in contests. If you have any queries about anything above, don’t hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
2
2
Review of Throwing Rocks  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi FaeThorned

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the March round of "A Newbie Short Story Contest" . Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
Well, now, that’s a good opening sentence, and I liked how you followed it up with a quick run-down of the play – Little Johnny’s home alone because he has very down-to-earth parents! But also… he’s alone so we can sense some typical kid shenanigans likely to happen.

The second paragraph shows us that Little Johnny is well capable of making his own fun and is very used to playing around in the junk. I suspect he’s known in all his life and would be surprised to find a grass lawn. He knows how to handle the junk and is careful in what he does but, still… there’s a lot of suspense because we still don’t know what’s going on and at this stage we’ve rather forgotten the opening sentence.

(Adult horror: what the heck is he doing out there in bare feet?????)

Your descriptions are really great, allowing us to see as if we’re there – Little Johnny winding up his throw and then the surprise when the earth explodes. I reckon he thought for a moment that he’d caused it, but whatever caused the mess he’s a classic kid who has to go and look for himself (bearing in mind his mother’s warning about the sunset).

Since we know Little Johnny likes rocks, it’s really no surprise we’ve got a good description of the one he finds – and it reads as if he’s cataloguing it rather than the writer just describing it. The same for when he finds what’s making the sounds – we can see it through his eyes and feel empathy for it, a bit like he does.

Such a classic kid though—find something odd and take it home whether it’s a good idea or not. And, even more, so show it your toys. I liked that he’s just going with the flow here.

Although I liked the arrival home of the parents (loving but also basic), I didn’t quite feel like it was the ending the story needed in order to close it all up. It was good to get the interaction with one of the parents but it felt too quick and easy rather than complete. Something over breakfast the next day, perhaps, with Little Johnny, Marty and the adults, might have made it feel a little less rushed.

(Noting that I did appreciate Claudine’s Johnny sounded far away, like he was whining in another universe. *Smile* and …the Appalachia of crap his daddy had built… – a completely visual mountain!)


Things to Work On
Mostly just punctuation placement. I noted that you swapped from Little Johnny to Johnny sometimes, which initially was a bit of a jump, but it’s not something you need to worry about.

“…. peeeeew,” there it was again. – I think the comma should be a full stop and ‘there’ is capitalised, as it doesn’t work in place of ‘said’ here.

… overalls, “Afternoon…” – a full stop here instead of the comma.

“… drop by,” he chuckled. – going all-out pedantic here, but if you use ‘chuckled’ as a ‘said’ (and it works for me) then before this particular section of speech you need a full stop after “neighborly way” rather than the comma, otherwise it reads wrongly. If ‘he chuckled’ is supposed to be on its own and not attached to the speech…. Then you need the full stop/capital H here. (Also need a full stop before “I’m gonna take you back… in the next paragraph, plus there’s a couple more in the last few lines of the story with Claudine.)


Closing Comments
This is a well-told tale of a kid making his own fun (while sticking to his mother’s rules) and then, well, making more fun with something that could have been terrible. I do feel that the ending, even though I liked Claudine, was rushed. This contest allowed u to 2500 words so you certainly had space to add a little bit more too it so that it ended with Johnny and Marty rather than Johnny’s mother passing out.

Thank you once again for entering "A Newbie Short Story Contest" , and I look forward to seeing more of your stories in contests. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
3
3
Review of Precision  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Kevster

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the March round of "A Newbie Short Story Contest" . Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
Great opening paragraph that is visual enough to see Max talking with his eyes sparkling as he does so. I do wonder who he’s talking to, though, as Lucy’s only overhearing at this stage. When they start talking to each other, it’d be nice to know if the original participants in the conversation stick around or go off into their own conversations).

I liked how Lucy joins in. It felt like that ‘my job is so cool but I can’t really tell anyone’ moment, which leads to someone spilling the beans but in a manner that can’t be called out. Verbal charades! Though… she kind of blows that later when she actually mentions the S word!

I can just imagine Lucy sounds both smug and wry when she says “… leaving an impact that lasts.” Her job certainly does that, but it sounds so ‘normal’ here.

However, she leaves so many clues as to what her form of precision is that I can only think Max was stuck on someone matching him for passion that his brain wasn’t catching on (though, he knows at least that she’s not a photographer). I really can’t see how he would think she was using a metaphor or something. It almost feels like you got caught up with the precision part of the story, like the characters, to realise that. But… having done the same thing myself several times, I can see how you did.


Things to Work On
I would recommend removing the very last sentence – it doesn’t really add value to the story. Not when the word before that is ‘fate’ – and that’s big enough to wrap the whole story up.


Closing Comments
I liked the two characters talking about the precision requirements of their jobs – it is pretty amazing how the same words (shot, impact etc) can be used for two very different vocations! I do think it got a little messy in the end when it still seemed there was oblivion between them – Lucy knows Max is a photographer and she’s pretty clear on her word choice. I just don’t know how much oblivion there could be.

One thing I’d love to see – Max and Lucy meeting again later at some point when both of them are in action!!!

Thank you once again for entering "A Newbie Short Story Contest" , and I look forward to seeing more of your stories in contests. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
4
4
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi Ashok Banerjee

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the March round of "A Newbie Short Story Contest" . Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
We open with a child being a child and I can quite easily see John wiping his eyes and snotty nose and probably even stomping his foot as he speaks to the governess. The poor governess is in a bind because she has to act like a mother but still answers to the woman who is paying her wages.

It’s a pretty sad outcome for the governess that she is sacked, but it seems that it’s not so much the broken vase as that John doesn’t accept her. This statement comes from the mother, which may indeed be what the mother thinks, but it’s opposite to the governess’s thoughts that John loves her. Of course, love and acceptance are two different things, and the mother’s word is the only word.

Although the governess is obviously alarmed when the Madame enters the room and then doesn’t speak, it’s pretty amazing how she simply says “Okay” to being fired. I feel like there’s two reasons for this – one, that the reason for the firing just can’t be argued with, and two, that the governess knows her place. Even if there had been no grounds for dismissal at all, being fired is not something she has the right to argue with. It’s a sad outcome for someone putting in a lot of effort.

I do admit that I can’t quite figure out the sequencing of this story. We start with Little John definitely being a child with the whole disbelieving thing and then move into the “on that day” tale of the broken vase. It’s a day after that the governess is sacked from her job but the mother says But, after that incident, he has never accepted you”. This makes it sound like it was quite a while ago, yet was only yesterday. I think you need to re-look at the ordering and decide what sequence events are. The use of present tense verbs (tells, ask etc) may be causing some of this confusion.

Either way, it’s as you say – there are consequences to telling the truth. The governess was in a rock and a hard place, I think, which makes it feel unfair, but you can never tell what people will do when faced with the truth. Sadly, I suspect that’s why it makes people lie.


Things to Work On
There’s quite a few wording issues, some of which just don’t get picked up with a spell-checker so don’t forget to proofread – especially when entering for a contest. I’ve put some of them here for you to look at.

Little John’s chick. –“She is…” – I think ‘Little’ is just saying that John is little, right, not that his name is ‘Little John’? If so, the L should be lowercase. ‘chick’ needs to be ‘cheek’, and the section after the full stop should be in its own row, as that’s what you’ve done for other speech (and this particular piece is the governess talking, not John).

I would recommend there is another line space before On that day… so that we clearly know we’ve got back to the past.

… told me those – what do you mean by ‘those’ here? I can’t figure it out.

–“ She slapped….” – close up the space between the speech mark and ‘she’ so that it’s “She. And, at the end of that sentence where you have “…hard”, He runs…, it really should look like “…hard.” He runs…

After a few minutes minute… – is this supposed to read After a few more minutes…?


Closing Comments
This isn’t really a story with a start, middle, end or plot but I feel like it could be expanded into one because you’ve introduced three intriguing characters here who deserve to have a bit more of their lives told. I would especially like to see how the governess gets on with her life after she leaves her current place of employment.


Thank you once again for entering "A Newbie Short Story Contest" , and I look forward to seeing more of your stories in contests. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
5
5
Review of Green Dragon  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)

Hi Amethyst Angel (House Mormont)

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the March round of "A Newbie Short Story Contest" . Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
Am in total agreement with Liz about noise starting so early on the weekend! At least wait until 09:00. But I also get her comments – when you’ve had a routine all your life, it’s very hard to get the brain to let it go – either in terms of timing or working.

I would like to know just how old Liz is. I’m thinking in her 60s which is still fairly young to be off to a retirement village – though there is less stress there, I guess, and we don’t know if she is carrying any ‘war wounds’ that might slow her down (aside from the lungs). She seems quite a cantankerous woman who, although she is at the village, isn’t really accepting of it. But that’s what drives her to look for her new challenge – and I loved that she was all gung-ho about it and challenging everyone who brought age into the equation!

The story read well (though I was confused initially about the music line being the phone ringing) and jumped through the scenes easily. It’s actually the kind of ‘opening’ story where you hope to get more adventures following. I would love to know how Liz pretends to be an ESOL teacher (but perhaps that’s in her PG education that is mentioned…..). Either way…. The adventures of a retirement-village ex-cop would be good reads.


Things to Work On
There’s only a few things that made me pause.

“Shoot, it’s the guy reading a book….” – is Liz saying this out loud? It looks like it because everything before/after is also in speech marks. If she’s thinking it, it would be better to put it in italics. Though… I would imagine her actually saying “Shoot” and then furiously thinking the rest of it.

“Well, uh…” the general shrugged… – ideally ‘the’ has a capital T.


Closing Comments
A good story with an opening that ‘hid’ the rest of the plot behind it, so that we had to keep reading to see where it was going. Strong, ambitious and no-nonsense character who I’d love to see more of (and actually see her interaction with others at the village – I kind of feel they might avoid her!), including even some of her background so we know how she ended up at The Villages.


Thank you once again for entering "A Newbie Short Story Contest" , and I look forward to seeing more of your stories in contests. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
6
6
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi Scott Wilfred Hemsway

I am reviewing your story as a judge for the March round of "A Newbie Short Story Contest" . Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
I am not sure how to explain what I thought about this story. I felt that it totally didn’t go anywhere and yet that it also did. I knew what was going on and I totally didn’t. Therein lies the point – it’s a dark mystery, there’s a widow with a secret, there’s hopelessness and abnormal growth, there’s people just living and doing…. stuff. It might be odd to say but, as a whole, I really liked it and I would love to read more.

Everything in the story provides good bones for fleshing out – like where these characters came from before they arrived on Euphrates Way. I especially want to know about the Hemsway’s brother. I mean, was he buried alive and escaped, or is he actually dead and escaped? Either way, that sentence is brilliant. It would be a magnificent opening sentence for a story!

I liked your wording choices and descriptions; they helped paint the scene for us though I must query – are the children hanging their legs from the tree or are they sitting up in the tree and hanging their legs down as they sit there? Because of the story to that point, I thought the former since it fitted with how macabre things were.

Margaret seems to be the ‘boss’ of the place and almost like a controller, with those dice in her hands, but she is clearly as cruel, deadly, bonkers as everyone else on the street. You really wonder what’s happened to people for no one to actually stop someone from being killed. And… what’s the fate of the boy after he’s been strangled? Ah no…. we got a whiff of that possible fate in the second paragraph. So, another question then, what do the kids get out of luring another one to the murder street? A leg to… hang?

The ending is as bizarre as the rest of the story and we’re left wondering if it was a boy or a chook who was hanged, or if someone mistook the boy for a chook, or Margeret just uses ‘chook’ as a code word. Either way, it’s a pretty chilling way to end a story – and my mind boggles about what the rest of her diary is like!


Things to Work On
There’s only a few things that made me pause.

placed neatly on his balding head washed down by a… – what was washed down by the wine? The priest is just cloaking himself but this kind of reads like he’s poured the wine on his head, really,

twelve-sided dice – because there are two of these in her hand it might be better to use the plural ‘die’ or say ‘two twelve-sided dice’ just for clarity’s sake.


Closing Comments
I really did like this but it is certainly confusing and didn’t feel like an actual story – start, middle, end – in the usual sense. It was like we just got dropped in the street to see the scene and then got yanked out again and we’re all puzzled about what we do or don’t know (or think we know).

f you ever build upon it, do let me know, because I reckon it would be a really good read.


Thank you once again for entering "A Newbie Short Story Contest" , and I look forward to seeing more of your stories in contests. If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
7
7
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Kåre Enga in Udon Thani

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
I liked how the prompt you were writing to stands in this story. Not only is it a winter scene, but we have the sparkling lights as actual living beings. Well, at least two of them were. All through, though, I could only see the narrator (and his partner) as a snowflake. I couldn’t quite make the step to another ‘being’.

A cryptid returns to the ‘scene of the crime’ so to speak or, as he says, to face my face, to free myself. This is understandable. The cryptid survived an ‘attack’ but the love of his live didn’t and he hadn’t tried to save her. He’d run. Human or not, guilt is present to everyone. However, we don’t see much of the ‘before’ to give us a clear idea of what went on prior to his return to the cabin. I would like to have known why the pair of them had decided to speak to the humans – especially if they hold such a poor opinion of them (though… maybe that came about ‘after’).

As with many of your stories, you express nature so lyrically and visually. distant cousins is amazing, and the descriptions of the feast and the fire really make one think about these things outside of what we know them as. For the cryptid, there’s a lot of death. For humans, it’d be wonderful celebration. And, yet, it seems to be that humans and the wood burning in the fire are actually on a par – celebrating their various existences.

The cryptid, however, really is just living a tragic story so I was glad to see that a bit of his love did remain. She may no longer have been sentient but he was able to ‘rescue’ her. I would like to have seen more of this ‘after’ written because, although I liked the ending, there could have been much more of it.


Things to Work On
The only thing I though might need a change—though it’s a personal opinion—was changing ‘does’ to ‘did’ in It seldom does. That’s because it felt a better match for ‘wouldn’t’ used two sentences earlier.


Closing Comments
A rather short story but with quite a unique take on the prompt and lovely visual description. A sad story but also one that might make humans think a little more outside the box.


Thank you once again for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
8
8
Review of Nightwatch  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Beholden

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
This was quite a different take on the prompt than was expected, but I liked it because of that, and because my education background is in Classical Studies. I’ve always liked warfare studies and the Teutoberg Forest massacre is a well known event. To use it in this story is, I think, quite an achievement. It makes for something unique.

Of course, we have a story to go with it – a platoon of soldiers out in the chilly winter near the end of World War II looking for a rumoured enemy. Typical that it’s “rumoured” and I can totally understand Jim’s feelings about it. Yet, he’s a soldier so he may grumble but he does his job. The same goes for his commanding officer and fellow soldiers.

I liked that the lights Jim sees remind him of fireflies at home – activating the prompt in two seasons. His thought that So small a slight could hardly be threatening could have become hellishly ironic. I thought, though, this moment also showed him to be a calm individual. He can sense things have changed but he’s not panicking or anything like that—yet, with the idea these things are eyes, Jim knows to alert his camp.

The lieutenant was a likable character: responsive, observant, willing to listen – all the things you want in such an officer. Of course, when he responds that there better be a good reason for is having to get out in the middle of the night, that’s understandable too. His conversation with Jim is great, a calm discussion and not looking down on his soldiers as they converse.

I had no idea where this story was going to go until the lieutenant faffed naming the forest – and then I knew what we were dealing with. And I was excited! I do love my Roman history. Totally apt though that the lieutenant thought it was far-fetched. Not only is it hard to think spirits are about but three legions????

You know, though, I thought Doc was rather optimistic in his logic. My brain first went ‘they here to warn you off!’, definitely not ‘they’re here to cheer you on!’ However, if he had thought of the two options, he was clever enough to go with the better one to tell his comrades. The lieutenant clearly understands his men – he’s going to go with the flow of thought but also remain on guard.

The ending felt a little flat, though, because it was so quick. Almost like an anti-climax even though it was a major event. Those 400 words you didn’t use of the word limit could have been used here – not so much to write the deaths for to have the platoon looking around and speculating, maybe finding a Roman sword or something.


Things to Work On
Didn’t have anything stop my reading flow *Smile*.


Closing Comments
Even without a personal interest in the topic, I’d have enjoyed this story. It was well written with decent characters (even if some of them didn’t have a name! I’m looking at you, Lieutenant!) Contest-wise, it was a great use of the prompt.


Thank you once again for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
9
9
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi LightinMind

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
A letter is always an interesting way to tell a story and I like how we start with James hating his parents but then describing them in pretty glowing terms! And going forward with the story, aside from being a guy with a high IQ and a disdain for everyone, he’s a mommy’s boy at heart.

Much of the story is complicated to the lay-person reader, but I liked that it seem that way also to James when he was a child. It was great how his mum was very hands-on with his learning and patient as well. You can certainly see why he missed her and remained devoted to her through his whole life.

The prompt was incorporated rather magically and mysteriously and it’s also the turning point, the reason for this letter being written now. The how and why and what of his parents’ disappearance, and also the appearance of a true teenager peeved at having to walk home in the snow because he couldn’t drive.

I liked how James wavered between deism and atheism and still didn’t really have it figured out at the end of the letter. A high IQ doesn’t mean you know or understand everything.

It’s also interesting that this letter was written nineteen years before James’ death when he was just 46. And that he died before the 50 years was up. I think I’d like to have seen a little more around that – ie James maybe writing the letter to posterity much closer to the date he was waiting for, because a heck of a lot of things can happen to a man in the space of almost two decades.


Things to Work On
Just a few things to think about.

She then said that the world that we will teach you about has no limits. – because this section is between James and his mother, I think part of this should be in speech marks as it sounds like she really is speaking here. If it truly is a remembered speech then the tense needs to be changed – something like said that the world they would teach me about had no limits.. This is likely considered nitpicking but it really stood out to me and broke me from my reading groove.

my parent’s research – put the apostrophe after the ‘s’ since parent is a singular now and you’re meaning both parents here rather than one of them.

Before me, I could see… – the campfire is burning to the left while ‘before me’ tends to be a straight ahead visual line, so I’d recommend removing ‘before me’.


Closing Comments
I would like to have seen a bit more of the prompt here especially since the lights were quite a unique take. And even if the portal only opened every 50 years, did his curiosity not get him back there day after day to check things out? Either way, James followed in his parents’ footsteps, carrying both a grudge (though lightly) and admiration and did everything they wanted him to do. Such a filial son *Smile*


Thank you once again for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
10
10
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi PureSciFi

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
The opening sentence is a darn good one but the paragraph goes on to feel quite cruel (which… is true, really, when you get to the end and find out what’s really going on). I also felt like a true third-wheel here – I’m watching Meavalians watching a DeathBringer burning – and, yet, that also plays into the storyline since this particular opening event is five years in the past and the Meavalians have just been watching a presentation on it. So – perhaps I’m a fourth-wheel watcher.

It’s a very interesting take on the image prompt. Well done for actually including it as part of the story though I’d recommend that Divonna point out a few things so it’s clear that this is the image that they’re looking at on the big screen. I’d also love an explanation of what the Extreme Hot and the Frozen White Water are (and how they come about).

The plot revolves around this burning DeathBringer who didn’t die when he was supposed to. He’s now back, randomly killing people, and yet focusing on the group that dealt him the Extreme Hot, and those people are trying to figure out how to keep themselves from becoming victims. There’s some very random conjecture about safety techniques, for sure, being alone, not being in the trees, being surrounded by Young Ones. There never seems to be true scientific thought behind these reasons, rather just based on a brief observation. It’s fascinating that the DeathBringers seem to be a constant in the Maevalian world and yet very little is known about them.

I’d like to have known just why Divonna thinks the Frozen White Water can kill the DeathBringer – and why no one has wondered about in the five years since they burned him with the Extreme Hot. I’d also like to know why the Maevalians and the DeathBringer hadn’t actually spoken to each other before now, since the ending shows that it’s clear they can. The end, by the way, is very sad and it takes me back to my comment up the top – about this being a cruel story. Much of the DeathBringer’s reason in killing these people was so they’d hurry up and find a way to kill him properly, to end the pain he was in. And, yet, no one is bothered about that; they’re only going ‘woohoo, we can now kill all the rest too’. (Of course, this is understandable given they’ve been killed on and off themselves).

This story isn’t set in a winter setting, so it was good to see an aspect of the prompt make a return at the end and be an integral part in ending everyone’s grief and fear.


Things to Work On
I have mentioned this in several reviews, but in this story you also do some needless repeating of things. Your stories are amazing but you waste word count this way and run the risk of confusing readers or making them skip sections. The section where Divonna and a male are talking about whether or not the DeathBringer kills individually or not is one of these sections that could do with a bit of a cut-down.

There are also several moments where you’ve got two sentences that should actually be one. On their own, the second one often doesn’t quite make grammatical sense. Two examples below:

Second paragraph: … sparking out of his body. Catching whatever it hit... – the first sentence is just fine but the second can’t stand on its own as something that makes sense. The full stop here should be a comma.

Third paragraph: … experiencing the Extreme Hot too. Causing the watching Meavalians… – again, use a comma not a full stop.

I think I’ve questioned this in past stories – the use of ‘residence’. You never describe what these actually look like and the word starts sounding odd when you read it several times in quick succession. Are these houses, buildings, halls…? Try to use different words that can help describe them better for the reader’s ‘eye’.

… that ran down the middle of it – for clarity’s sake, I think ‘it’ would be better off as ‘room’ or ‘hall’

That caused the victim to start screaming. – this is redundant as the victim had already started screaming in the paragraph before this one.


Closing Comments
This story has merit but it’s very clunky. I think if you looked carefully at the construction you’d be able to cut a good 500 words out and replace them with more explanation of things like the Extreme Hot, the Frozen White Water, and even where DeathBringers have come from to make a more rounded story.


Thank you once again for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
11
11
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Happy to write

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
I liked this story and how you brought in the sparkling lights of the prompt, turning them into fairies. You can imagine the narrator wondering if they’re asleep or had somehow snuck alcohol into their cocoa when they see the fairies, and the ‘floored’ reaction is perfect!

The fairies were a bit humorous, treating the narrator’s shock as being slow – as if they’re the superior race – so I liked that the narrator had a come-back to that!

I think the fairies are right in that we celebrate all over the place and not even at the ‘right’ timing. It was interesting to see their take on Christmas and the Holidays, and how kind they were to invite the narrator along to experience it all. The moral of the story is easily seen – be as inclusive as you can.

It was pretty understandable how the narrator was overwhelmed at the sights and sounds she was experiencing, but I’m glad she did go to experience them, rather than stay on her porch on her own. People can be as inclusive as they like but they can’t force people to join them, and there must be courage on the invitee’s part too. This is certainly a tale of getting out of your comfort zone and opening your eyes to new experiences.


Things to Work On
To help the reader, don’t forget to put a space after a full-stop or a comma. When these don’t appear, it can make things difficult to read and understand.

Below are a few other things that pulled me out of the reader flow:

In the first paragraph… … twinkling stars out that tonight – either remove ‘that’ so that it reads ‘out tonight’ or change it to ‘there’ so that it reads ‘out there tonight’. Either of these will put the sentence right. (I would also suggest the sentence right after this one starts a new paragraph so that your lovely description of the night, stars and snow stands alone and then we get into the story of the character relaxing and suddenly hearing something strange.

… floored me if I was sitting already. – I think ‘was’ should be ‘wasn’t’ here since she is in fact already sitting. I really like ‘floored’ – it’s just a good descriptive word.

“Hello it say and yeah you… – I think this should be “Hello,” it says, “and yeah you…, right? (I love the ‘blah, blah’ bit at the end. I can imagine the fairy waving its hands around and pulling a face as it speaks.)

"… to each it on kinda thing.” – ‘it on’ looks like it should be ‘its own’ – totally a true statement though; everyone is so different in how we celebrate!

…all their Holidays on my accord… – is this supposed to say ‘my accord’, as in the fairies are celebrating on the narrator’s accord? This bit puzzled me a little.

…and loud but quite all at the same time… – ‘quiet’ not ‘quite’ – and I get what you’re saying here; it really is weird how music can be loud but also quiet – it’s a good description.

Merry Christ to all… – should this be ‘Christmas’?


Closing Comments
This is a lovely little story with a good reminder that we are all different but that we can all still celebrate together even so. Though we might not believe in fairies, we’re still not alone. Tidying up the grammar will help the reader but they should already understand that this is a story of light and hope.


Thank you once again for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
12
12
Review of A decided throne  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)

Hi Beck Firing back up!

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
This felt like a short snippet of a much larger story, a snapshot of a character being put on their destined path (much as your logline says) but it was full of tension and energy and hope. And puzzlement since Edina is not in the sort of straits that Jenna has been worrying about!

I liked how you made the light balls in the image prompt a sort of weapon/defence – that was unexpected but it worked out really well. Jenna’s own new magic mirrored it, which was nice.

Jenna’s gift of smell/detecting scent is an interesting one. It’s a thing specific to her, and I liked how you brought it into the story in a natural manner – to give more details about Jenna but also to provide tension. Jenna’s already on a fairly arduous mission in the snow and now there’s added danger – real or not, we don’t yet know at this point. (Though, given that this ability to smell food helped her family, what is her family going to do now?)

“Many,” Jenna said. – perhaps the understatement of the year *Smile*. I can imagine Jenna’s tone as she says this, wry confusion to go with the expression on her face.

The second half of this story is more physically settled though no less tense as Jenna learns there’s a whole lot of stuff she doesn’t know, including about herself. Her full name at the end is a great closer of sorts – like she has come full circle and has been accepted by whomever and whatever. However, there are certainly questions left unanswered – like what is the Changeling? What is Edina’s actual calling (it sounds like it might be different from the Griffin)? Hence my saying at the top that this felt like a snapshot within a much larger story.


Things to Work On
My main comment here is just a reader preference – put spacing between the paragraphs. It was a great story but a hard read with the easy separation of paragraphs and speaking.

Is it Changeling or changeling, as you have both versions within the story (Jenna uses the non-capitalised while Edina the Capitalised. Thinking this through, though… it kind of makes sense. For Jenna this creature is not ‘real’ yet, so doesn’t really have a true name, while for Edina it is real…).

“Jenna! Run!” A small voice was yelling. – ‘A’ doesn’t need to be capitalised. In the next paragraph she motioned… should start with a capital S.

When Edina spoke about against… – either remove ‘about’ entirely or change it to ‘out’ (which, I guess, is what your intention was).

Don’t forget that you have three genres with which to market your story to readers. Even if you can’t think of three perfect ones, then Contest remains valid. Seeing that, readers will understand you had limits – a prompt or word count etc. It helps them understand better. Community, Nature, Family could also be good options.


Closing Comments
I definitely can see this being part of a longer story – you have two worlds to explore plus the lives of Jenna and Edina to expand (past, present and future). On its own it’s full of tension and action and I enjoyed how you linked in the prompt with Edina’s defensive skills.


Thank you once again for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
13
13
Review of Runaway  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hi Amethyst Angel (House Mormont)

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
Although I pretty quickly found where this story was going, the opening paragraphs could have sent it many ways. I almost thought we were going down a variant on Little Red Riding Hood or Alice in Wonderland, and then when it was more ‘real’ down a much darker storyline than expected. And I liked that Joey had those feelings too and was very ‘I really don’t want this child hanging around me because it doesn’t look so good’.

Despite how he’s been living, he’s still conscientious and reluctantly-at-first protective. His backstory plays a part there, obviously, and I think it’s pretty soon that reader’s get where this story is going. And it get’s there too, with a happy ending that is still different from expected. I liked that and I feel there could be more chapters here on how Joey takes (or not) to his new role in life.

The side characters all played a great role in beefing up the story, though I am a bit puzzled. Is Amy one of the homeless or does she work at the soup kitchen? I thought the former straight off but now I think the latter. It doesn’t really matter since she’s a good character to have, a ‘big sister’ type, and I liked that she did some checking of the Alice/Joey connection when they go inside.

Some great descriptions; absolutely loved the one where trouble had become Amy’s service dog. I could almost visualise it. And also enjoyed how Alice was really just a kid – telling the man that if he ate apples he might not be so fat. Speaking with a kid’s reasoning! Same with the whole being fine with Joey as her dad, but after he’s had a bath, haircut and clean clothes.

Good mentions of the prompt too, with the snow and ice.


Things to Work On
Just a wee few things I noticed, nothing terribly major.

“Why don’t you get a job?” He continued. – ‘He’ shouldn’t be capitalised here.

“Oh no, it’s true… Alice, you’re my daughter.” – to be honest, nothing actually wrong with the sentence but the first four words read like doom and when it reads that way and you hear the next sentence, it doesn’t sound like a fabulous thing. Perhaps something like Oh gosh, it’s true…, which makes it less doom-like.

There are a couple of places where I think the character’s action and their speech could be better placed in the same paragraph, as it’s not always totally clear that they belong to each other. I kept getting mixed up with Amy and Alice because of this.


Closing Comments
A feel-good story that really could have gone so many ways, but in the end turned out just right. Would be interesting to see Joey’s life before this moment – like how he go there – and then a few years after this moment – is he still around? Is he far more settled? How’s Alice?


Thank you once again for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
14
14
Review of Arctic Spirit  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Hi Damon Nomad

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
This is quite an unexpected tale, and I liked the mix of action and inner thought that showed Cliff to be a human military man. He also has something of a high trust model going on, sitting down in a stranger’s house and putting on slippers. Of course, that’s just how the plot of this story goes and if someone’s off getting you a meal and a drink, then I’m not surprised Cliff goes with the flow.

The ‘background’ to the story is great – he’s actually on a military mission, volunteered because he has no one at home for him over the festive period so we have physical tension and emotional tension from this, and even though we start thinking hmm, is this Santa Claus? we really can’t be sure. Coincidences, and all that, and we go with the flow like Cliff does.

I loved The minister crept toward Cliff. – I can see him wringing his hands a bit with a bent/bowing posture, half panicking at this odd visitor. And Cliff not reading the room at all *Smile* until sometime later. Even then, though, he just opens the package he’s holding, trusting it to be non-violent. I thought Tapio’s actions were about right too—jumping up when he saw the gift, rather than being hesitant and pretending not to be the named kid.

It’s not until the end of the story that we find out what’s really going on, and I thought this was a good level of suspense and a very clever way of going about it. As the minister says, Miracles are real.

Great use of the genre options, and I thought the title worked really well.


Things to Work On
Just a few little things, but nothing to really change the reader flow. Two examples are below.

He studied the preflight intelligence… – just thinking there should be a ‘had’ after ‘he’, since this action is well in the past.

“That’s your language is it not.” – should have a comma after ‘language’ and end with a question mark, since it is mostly a question.


Closing Comments
A nice feel-good story that led us through some suspenseful moments before we got a solid, questions-answered ending.


Thank you once again for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
15
15
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Hi MayDay

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
This is an interesting short take on the Cinderella story, but with no happy ending unfortunately.

Shayne is certainly quite the slave in her own home, and yet I thought it a little odd when she was recalling how things had been when her mother was alive. How she’d also really been working (stitching, weaving, cleaning clothes) and yet had not built the fire. Who built it? Her mother or household help? It’s always interesting when characters are used to something and then have to do something else but never quite accept that fact that someone else used to have to do that ‘something else’.

I’d love to have seen a bit more of the snowy trees to make a better connection with the prompt, and even a daydream or two on how an ‘archway in a garden’ could lead to other, far nicer places. If Shayne feels like a slave, surely she dreams of leaving or forcing the others to leave?

Liked the description of the chores – definitely heavy work and one would really think a man would be in charge of them. We don’t know how old Edward and Timothy are but it must be quite a strained dynamic if they were in their teens and just sitting around (I also wonder how they’d feel).

Seeing Shayne, Beatrice smiled and said, “Oh, there you are….” – woooo, this line nearly tricked me! It sounded so nice and welcoming and then, boom, a reminder that Shayne was only welcomed because of a chore. You may not have expected a reader to see this sentence this way, but I did and I really liked it – set us up and let us down *Smile*


Things to Work On
Nothing pulled me out of my reading flow, though I did wish the story was longer (should you ever expand it, do let me know!).


Closing Comments
A tiny wee story that begs to be made bigger, but even short it involves the reader and we all probably feel our shoulders hurting from lugging in the firewood!


Thank you once again for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
16
16
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Graham Muad'dib

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
This was quite a different story to others I’ve been reading recently, and I enjoyed it. There was action and simple conversation – work and personal. A bit of heroics, and a lot of decency. It’s certainly no surprise that the AIs treat Huey with respect.

Huey’s doing his last job but it comes with quite a catch. I liked that he remained calm and competent, and compassionate. He comes across as a good man to have in your life whether you’re human or AI. I’m not totally sure why he says he doesn’t know what to do, since what he’s doing is his job, but then again… it also shows that he has moments of frazzle. Completely human.

I liked how we heard of the Disaster without any sort of explanation because we should all know what it is. (The other part of me is – tell me, tell me, tell me…. Prequel……?) This snippet of background gives us great understanding of how Huey is now, and also why he wants to save Gene (and Sofia). He’s carrying a bit of a burden, but one at least that doesn’t make him completely suicidal in his ship-breaking efforts.

I guess I’m just that tough. is such a classic answer and the medidroid’s No one is that tough. was just the perfect comeback. She’s just stating fact but it’s definitely something that would put someone back in their place. It was nice to see a ‘human’ side to her at the end too when you says Huey has a way with… us. I think she was going to say ‘them’ but of course she is an AI and it’s quite clear that Huey has always been frank and human with her, treating her as if he was talking to a real person.

Clever to use Hephaestus in the title of the group interested in Huey. He was a god who know how to make stuff; I can fully see him being used in a logo or whatever.

About the prompt, however… Although there’s talk of retraining programmes in the opening section, nothing comes up again about a new career or retraining until the very end so I’m not sure there was much of a prompt fit. Also, it seems like Huey is retiring because of his health rather than his age so I would like to have seen something about his age here just to tie that in too.


Things to Work On
Don’t waste your Genres. You’ve got three to pick from that can help flag down readers, especially those that will filter stories by genres. Relationship, Emotional could be two you could use, being relevant to the story as a whole. Heck, even Contest Entry is a good one as it highlights what limits there might be on the story (prompt, length etc).


AI’s you’ve extracted… – doesn’t really need the apostrophe,

Triple-redundant systems, and always, everything… – I liked this sentence; description with a big sigh. I’ve got it here because the first comma would be better after the ‘and’ not before it.

What are you doing Huey? – just needs a comma after ‘doing’.

Huey towed his tool bag… – just wonder if this was supposed to be ‘stowed’, since it felt a lot odd that he was towing that and pulling Baudin.


Closing Comments
I liked this story and I’d definitely want to read more – about the Disaster and other moments in Huey’s career. It was a nice rounded item, literally since we began and ended with the medidroid, and after fraught moments it was great to have a happy ending too. I was a bit worried for a moment!

I didn’t think the fit with the prompt was that tight, but outside of being a contest entry, this remains a good, strong read.


Thank you once again for entering "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" . If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
17
17
Review of Elemental  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hi Kåre Enga in Udon Thani

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
The opening sentences speak of something long and involved – a life prolonged and actually lived - and I was interested to know what a person with such a long live would start to learn ‘later in life’.

It was somewhat surprising, then, that the story itself was so short. I feel like you missed an opportunity to really engage us, and yet I’m also unsure how to explain just why I feel that because, as with many things I’ve read of yours, you know how to use words to conjure up images to tell a tale. Perhaps it’s just because I’m a bland story-teller myself!

The languages of water in its various forms were nicely revealed. I think most of us wouldn’t think there’s a difference between the language in rain and the language in ice melting but you have made them very separate entities. It makes us ‘view’ them as such and treat them differently. It may all be water but there’s so many ways for it to ‘be’. Now I think a bit more on it, that’s also like the narrator. We never know her name but she has also been many, many things alongside being, at heart, simply a woman.

I have no idea what the badger and mole really had to do with anything, but I did like that you rounded the story out with them to bring the work to a bit of a full circle.


Things to Work On
I didn’t see anything tech-wise that put me out of my reading flow. Did think a couple of the larger paragraphs could have been split up to make for ‘easier’ reading, but that’s just a specific reader opinion.

(I would like to have known why she was able to travel with Philip over so much water when she was afraid of it. Just because of a handsome face???)


Closing Comments
As with everything I’ve read of yours, this is beautifully written with great sections around the water itself and what it can tell us. However, I did struggle to see a ‘story’ in it; it felt much more like a snapshot of a life. On that note, it would be interesting to find out more about her life – from when she was human and through the years that she was not.


Thank you once again for entering "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" . If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
18
18
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)

Hi PureSciFi

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
Now that’s an opening line!! Straight into action, introducing the main character, and providing a clue to the entire story. And this whole opening section hits these three things all the way through. I’m not sure I should say I found a speck of humour in it, since it was pretty dangerous and on the verge of deathly, but I really did like Helona’s responses.

Ooh, Talvon is bold. He must know Helona’s temper and strength, yet he roundaboutly points out that she’s rather old to be changing her profession. I thought her response rang really true. It’s not because she wants to be the new role but because she has to be. We’re still in the dark though about what and why.

The third section, where Helona has obviously been trying to track down the mystery man, manages to feel a bit cumbersome but also funny. I’d say that she’s talking out loud too correctly/perfectly when it feels like she’s actually just speaking her thoughts. I’d expect the words to be a lot shorter. However… if she’s commenting to herself but also saying it for the benefit of those listening to her, then it makes sense. She’s really spelling out the issues and what’ll happen going forward. The ‘veiled’ warning to Bracim will likely get back to him. The funny thing in this section is the shell-shocked Korcions and how they’re reacting. From that, you can tell she must have given them twenty questions in rapid fire without much of a breather.

Loved the short bit between Jasime and Paura. With Paura not speaking I thought she might be mute but she’s well capable of stating a fact! Impressed that Helona actually turns back to the front and thinks about how someone just tried to kill her rather than question why Jasime might have a male friend at ten *Smile*

Helona’s ‘old age’ is mentioned several times but we don’t actually get to know it until right at the end. She’s about sixty-five. I think you need to bring that in much earlier so that we can marry it to the opsimath side of the prompt.

Who hasn’t wanted to brush a whole lot of glasses off a table? I love that Helona does this after her threat to Fhanon; it’s very impactful to sight and sound.

I’ve got to say – the ending was odd. I absolutely did not understand what Helona was saying about how she knew who Fhanon was and events fifty years ago. What happened? Who did what? Who blamed her? Is she saying that Fhanon did something bad and was caught by the Law Enforcers. She saw it and couldn’t really do anything but because Fhanon saw her, he blamed her for getting the Enforcers involved? This whole thing is crucial to why Helona has chosen to become a Crime Professional – ie, it’s the driver for the story – so we need to see glimpses of this much earlier.

I’ve always been so impressed how you come up with the names of your characters. They’re all so unique. Also…. Am I right in thinking I’ve met the Professionals before? Have you got a whole world or story arc about them? If so (or even if not), it would be interesting to see some information on them and their world. Not a story, but just an explanation of who they are, what they do, what different types there are. Would provide a good background to anyone reading the stories.


Things to Work On
There’s some awkward phrases that made me stumble a bit, and some questions I had.

… fourth question that I have asked you in a row… – I would be inclined to remove ‘that I have asked you’ as it would make sense that the questions having come from Talvon, since he’s speaking. Alternately, to make it less wordy, you could use ‘that I’ve asked in a row…’ (Her response is definitely displaying a woman with some years and life behind her. She’s not taking any prisoners.)

… placed a hand on the shoulder of Helona – a bit passive tense here, so you could do placed a hand on Helona’s shoulder. Can kind of sense that Talvon is daunted by her. He really should say ‘Stay here…’ rather than ‘can you stay…’ Later, you’ve got another passive moment the mouth of Fhanon which could just be Fhanon’s mouth.

…fired a single red ball at Helona – remove ‘at Helona’. It’s not needed since the person is already pointing the weapon at her. Also ‘transport’ is used four times in this paragraph. It really stands out as repetitive. Could one of them be ‘vehicle’ since that is about as vague as ‘transport’?

Why do we have daughters, daughters, daughters?

I loved that sixth section starting with the choked words. We all know what’s happening there but…. Because we’ve seen this before with Bracim, the fact that this victim is Gregiv made me immediately think you’d changed names. I think to avoid confusion you could have Helona say his name. Something like I know what you just said, Gregiv.

Slowly, Gregiv shook his head yes. – I think this should be ‘nodded’ here, since he’s answering her implied question.

Watch those places where you have the same character speaking twice in succession but on different lines. Sometimes it’s really heard to catch that the same character is speaking twice. This is especially the case where Helona and Talvon are again talking and he’s explaining why he’s been picking on her so much.

… you’ll never be able to learn what you have learned here – that ‘learn’ should be ‘used’. And, boy, Talvon is bold talking about age (though I’m reminded we don’t actually know what that is, so it would be good to come up as a number earlier.)

At least you are in this part of Korcion. – when Talvon says this he’s saying it in conjunction with the fact Helona is the oldest learner, but because it’s a sentence in its own right it sounds like he’s saying something like ‘well, at least you’re in this part of Korcion, not any of the others….’ So, just watch how you string sentences together.

Now I’m coming for you – is Helona talking about Fhanon here? It didn’t feel like it because of the sentence prior.

Question – if Fhanon thought the Law Enforcers wouldn’t do anything against him, why would he stop trying to kill Helona just because she tried to get them involved? Her words here don’t quite much sense.

Question – why does Helona say to Fhanon that she’s not a Crime Professional? At this stage, she is one. Is she trying to stay that right at this moment she is acting in her own personal capacity? I think that could be made clearer as it’s odd after all her learning.


Closing Comments
This is a story about a woman on a mission, and though I didn’t know much about the real reason behind learning to be a Crime Professional, I understood the initial one – if you won’t help me, I’ll help myself. A very good reason for a character to take action!

The story has many sections to it but I didn’t find them too jumpy, rather they slid the story along to get us to the right place at the right time. It’s skating close to the word limit and I wonder if your original draft was well over – it would be interesting to see this story retold in a longer format.

I do think Helona’s actual age needs to be mentioned earlier as it drives both prompt requirements – an opsimath and an unusual field of learning. (Being a Crime Professional is not unusual in and of itself since it seems like anyone could really learn, it’s her age that makes this an unusual field of learning.)


Thank you once again for entering "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" . If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
19
19
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)

Hi Beholden

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
I liked that this story was told from the point of view of the non-opsimath character; it made for an interesting tale because we were kept as much in the dark and curious as Millie was. And we got to see her thoughts rather than drowning somewhat in the other’s. We got to know a wee bit about Millie too, but the background wasn’t overly bulky so the tale read very smoothly. I think it can be summed up by the line like two letter Cs out for a stroll – a perfect match of Millie and Henry, of background and current, and of an opsimath preparing for the future.

It must be fascinating for librarians to watch what people are checking out, especially if they get to know their patrons or see patterns in people. Back when I used to get a lot of library books out (way, way younger), if one had a ‘slightly dodgy/embarrassing’ cover I’d put it down on the desk face down – you know, so it’s easier to scan the back. But the librarian would always turn in face up and I’d feel like they saw into my soul! It must be quite a different way to get to ‘know’ someone *Smile*.

Early on we know that Henry’s opsimathism is for music, ‘older’ style going by two of the three books we know the titles of. But nothing is given away as regards to the prompt. For all we know, he could be getting them out for family or even started reading such books ages ago, and his response to Millie asking if he plays doesn’t clue us in either. Her question is pretty much what most people would ask in this situation so I understood how she trailed off as she tried to explain what she’d meant. Their conversation about ‘age’ after this was really nice – the whole, yeah, we should keep our brains working followed by the gosh, we’re not really that old; felt like unintended flirting, which…. seemed to work *Smile*

The build-up to ‘why music?’ was nicely done, nothing outrageous or unbelievable, and getting a bit of the background for both characters was really good there in the middle. We had seen them connect and then we got to see a little of why they’re where they are today. That led nicely, I thought, into the end of the story, where we learn just why Henry has been learning about music at his later stage in life.

And, boy, Millie has the patience of a saint to wait so long to ask But why music?. I suspect that ‘why’ was really loaded since Henry clearly doesn’t play. The answer wasn’t an expected one (you know, like, ‘oh my wife loved xxx so I want to learned it’ or ‘my hero from my youth played yyy so I wanted to learn it’). It was far more basic and just as valid as any other reason. Loved the fact that Henry clearly decided he’d be going to Heaven *Smile* and hadn’t learned also how to make a really good fire or wield a good pitchfork.


Things to Work On
The only thing that I ‘circled’ as a hmmm moment was the ‘an’ in The first announced itself to be an Introduction to the Theory of Music. You’re giving the title of the book here rather than actually saying what it’s about so I think the ‘an’ should be removed. But… each person will have their opinion on that one.


Closing Comments
This was a nice telling of an opsimath learning something new and unusual later in life, as well as a love story. I think it really worked and I liked that the story ended with you noting that he had learned the harp; it made the story a nice full circle.


Thank you once again for entering "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" . If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
20
20
Review of The Snail Analyst  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.5)

Hi Anna Marie Carlson

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
Well, you definitely picked an ‘unusual field or subject matter’ to write about *Smile*. I’m not sure anyone would expect a story about snails. I had to smile at Sniley had to think about how she could make a snail analyst’s career sound interesting.’

It was interesting to see what Sniley analysed and how her brain worked in justifying both snails and her own study of them. I thought the rhyming bits you had later in the story to explain snails and their movements was quite clever, but it also seemed a bit odd, almost out of place. I think I would like to have seen Sniley do a ‘here’s how I explain snails’ and then launch into the rhyming.

The paragraph where Cyrus finds out Sniley was abused in her childhood sort of comes out of the blue. It does explain why Sniley has hidden the snail fascination all her life and why she says the family would go ballistic, but it doesn’t seem to go anywhere – and it’s definitely not as if Cyrus cares because he blows her cover. That seems to say quite a bit about what Cyrus is really like!

In the next paragraph, it’s a very confused telling of family reaction to the news of the snails and Sniley panicking. While it’s difficult to read because it’s a jumbled mix of speech and story-telling, that also fits really well: people reacting in anger are often not coherent, the same for those in a panic. But…. Her classmates didn’t accept what was leading up to the whole thing. – what is this about? Classmates where and when? There’s been nothing about school. Since this goes on further about bullying and things I wonder if this part of the paragraph should have been with the one above about childhood abuse? Otherwise, there is no real context about it and continued to make me wonder how old Sniley was.

The ending was unexpected – a combination of Sniley’s clever analysis (at least, I think that’s what it is) and a final paragraph where the reader wonders what they really just read – just as it says… a disguise in reality… | …just someone’s imagination. Really liked it. We had been on quite the ride with the snails and are left almost wondering if we’d really been taken for a ride.


Things to Work On
How old is Sniley in this story? She starts being fascinated in snails at four but the story is about a person who learns a new thing later in life. There’s nothing in this story to suggest Sniley is older than teenage years, apart from when her nephew calls her out. And he calls her gross. If he’s her nephew then Sniley would be expected to be in her twenties or thirties at the very least, but if he’s calling her out then he seems about that age himself because…. Wouldn’t a young boy love their bugs and snails and things???

Watch your speech marks. There’s a few places where they’re not needed, and somewhere they are. When you include speech within a paragraph, you need to get them right so the reader doesn’t confuse speech with simple story-telling. And, on the topic of speech, it’s always a good idea to separate speakers into their own spaces, so the reader fully understands who is speaking.

The sentence starting He barked, “A snail analyst?... is an example. Sniley has just finished speaking, so Cyrus’s bark would be best in its own paragraph. Also, the rest of the speech after this is all his but it’s in three separated pieces of speech, so a reader would naturally thing it’s Cyrus, Sniley, Cyrus speaking.

Also, don’t waste the genres. You get to pick three for each item and they’re like signposts for readers who like to read by genres. I admit I do like to see Contest Entry because that signals limitations on your work (prompt, genre, word count etc) but don’t leave the rest blank. Family and Nature could be two you could use here, as well as Fantasy since the story seems to end in a fantastical, questioning-reality way.


Closing Comments
This is one of the most different stories I’ve read on WDC. While I did spend a lot of time trying to sort it out so that I could judge it as is my role here, I did like it. It was totally unique. I think if you didn’t have the word limit you might have ordered it in a little more coherent manner and really explained how Sniley worked through her own demons and became a snail analyst.


Thank you once again for entering "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" . If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
21
21
Review of Stubborn Old Boy  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi THANKFUL SONALI 17 WDC YEARS!

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
I liked how you had a double story here – one surrounding family and one around the opsimath with his new line of learning. And what a new line of learning for an eighty-nine-year-old!!! I fully agree with the narrator’s “The what of the what?” But also, that line inflected humour in the story, as did many of the lines, in fact, which made for a nice light read.

There’s a TV ad in here in New Zealand (for a car, I think) where a character has picked up his mother-in-law and is driving her home. His wife is at her house and he’s asked to call the house, which ends up a bit hard because the mother-in-law’s number is programmed into his cellphone as ‘The Old Trout’, and of course he has to say it loud enough for the phone to hear, and the phone repeats it back so everyone can hear. In any case, the stubborn old boy – and who would actually use it – reminded me of that old ad, making me smile. Interesting what people call their in-laws *Smile*

That aside, I enjoyed this story; the first-person (nameless) narrator is young and friendly and willing. Likely to be easy-going with her Grandpa just as grandparents are with their grandchildren, but also fully ready to dob him in if he’s doing something that Mum would disapprove of (and his wife, by the sounds of it!).

With the admission that he’s learning, he started after his wife died, there’s no surprise the narrator is surprised herself (and a little edgy, I think). If Grandma wouldn’t like it, then what the heck was the man learning??? No wonder the fingers get crossed behind her back, and no wonder we get the awesome “The what of the what?” Plus…. *Smile* the embarrassment the young feel when the older generation get lovey dovey. The second “Grandpa!" had a different sort of embarrassment though, having one’s own love life pointed out and given tips. He sounds like a very great Grandpa.

Learning about the mating habits of toads is certainly an unusual thing to learn – at any time of life! I enjoyed how you didn’t make anything sound like a lesson, but brought in what Grandpa had learned or was learning throughout the story, interspersed with the narrator’s own thoughts about things. And, of course, how Grandpa was aiming to put his learnings to good use (by the way, I presume Mrs Harris is actually the lady who’d been doing the cooking and housework?).

Grandpa comes across as a very quirky man, and definitely stubborn, but I do want to know if there was a second bathroom in the house??????


Things to Work On
Just a couple of tiny punctuation things.

(it felt odd…) – capitalise ‘it’.

“to attract more flies”. – this one I’m a bit on the fence on but most people would tell you to capitalise To. I would actually suggest it here because when I first read this bit I thought the “ was actually a misplaced piece of punctuation rather than speech.


Closing Comments
I always like reading your stories; you’re a good teller of tales, and often imbue them with humour and light banter which makes them seem even more ‘alive’. Your take on the prompt was very different to anything I might have been expecting, and I think you did it quite well. Though… personally… toads???????????????????


Thank you once again for entering "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" . If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
22
22
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Hi Damon Nomad

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
Hah, this story started me off thinking how prejudiced the younger generation are these days over anyone ‘older’ wanting to learn new things. Phil is the perfect foil for engaging the reader in the story, with Lisa acting in Reggie’s defence as well as humouring her husband-to-be. We’re set for a show-down though we have absolutely no real clue what that will be.

There’s been a lot of ads here in New Zealand recently about elder abuse – emotional, bullying, etc. Phil’s assumptions and prejudice remind me of them, as does Clarence’s own actions and words to his father. Looking at both guys, it’s not hard to see why Reggie might have kept silent (notwithstanding that the man is humble and not wanting an audience anyway). But… I do have to say that the final paragraph of the first section of this story had me going ‘hmm, a crooked grin along with forty-five thousand death notices is just a bit creepy’. That was definitely your mystery genre kicking in!

Throughout this whole story, we know that Reggie has been learning mortuary science after his retirement. I thought it made some sense when you consider he’d been a research chemical engineer – he could have been putting the two together to improve mortuary processes or whatever. Sadly, it’s not until after Reggie’s death that we readers find out what was really going on with this opsimath and his studies. A passion to help that had started a lot earlier but which could only really take flight later in years with financial backing and an adult outlook. However, writing to the prompt did feel a tiny bit stealth-like because it’s only in the short first section that Reggie is learning; in the rest he is putting into action what he’s learnt.

Am I wrong to have felt huge satisfaction at Clarence’s shock? If he’d just had a normal conversation with his father, then their relationship wouldn’t have been so awful and he wouldn’t have come across as a jerk. Mind you, without him being a jerk we probably wouldn’t have the ‘mystery’. And, obviously, I really liked the ending where Phil is proved correct in entirely the opposite manner than he’d foretold *Smile*


Things to Work On
My dear, don’t waste genres! They’re signposts to your story for readers who read by genre. Adult, Education, Family, Emotional – any one of these (or two!) could have been included. (Mystery definitely fits though.)

Just some nitpicking things to think about below.

“… in another argument Clarence” – just put a comma before Clarence. And when Clarence replies, put a comma before dad.

In the first two paragraphs of the second section you start off with Several years later and then have Clarence say “… more than five years now” – now, I know that’s two ways to say pretty much the same thing but one is vague and one is quite precise and I felt they jarred at each other a little. Just my opinion but I’d change Clarence’s to be even vaguer… something like “ages now” (Though…. being a lawyer you could even have him state the exact number of years, dates and days since he’s clearly one for crossing his Ts and dotting his Is.)

… sounding your own trumpet… – this is at the end of the second section. It comes out of the blue and really doesn’t match too clearly with the discussion/argument Reggie and Clarence have been happening. Obviously, it’s clear at the end of the story but I feel like there needs to be some sort of lead-in or remembrance on Clarence’s part right here so it doesn’t feel so out of place. By the way, it’s this argument that made me really think of the elder abuse ads!

He seems to have virtually no income… – Needs ‘had’ after the ‘have’ to put this into better tense fit with the rest of the sentence which uses ‘burned’. The sentence after this also has a mix of present and past tense which makes it a little stilted in reading (Though, I’m again going to say it seems to fit with Clarence’s character!)


Closing Comments
I can’t believe how annoyed I was over Phil and Clarence! Not sure if you meant to make them that way or not but I liked neither of them for their prejudices. Aside from that, it’s a good mystery story since we’re kept in the dark until the end, just like Clarence. It’s a feel-good ending too, respecting service personnel and being respected in turn.


Thank you once again for entering "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" . If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
23
23
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hi Evie 🏳️‍🌈 write&blog

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
I love a first person narrator; it’s what I write in 90% of the time and I enjoy reading it. I know I’m not the narrator but I feel much closer to them as an ‘I’.

I like the way this story is a complete mystery, sounding like the narrator’s possibly gotten themselves into a pickle. Which is completely untrue! It also sounds like a young person getting home drunk from somewhere and only hazily noticing things. Also untrue *Smile*

and probably paid – I like this sentence. This narrator is both on the ball and completely off it, a mix of coherent fact and possible myth, and the reader really has no idea what’s going on until we enter a university building. At that point, I recalled the prompt (learning something in later life) and the lightbulb went off; clearly the billboard had been a university one.

Liked that the slippery ground from being recently mopped matched the title. And I like that ‘slippery ground’ has more meanings here to someone learning something new out of the blue than just the literal truth.

Question though: what was the learning???


Things to Work On
Although you have a character going to university to learn something, it’s not actually that clear that the narrator is ‘later in life’ as the prompt requires. The presence of the walking stick could just mean the person has a bad knee, and the group of people all around fifty doesn’t necessarily mean the narrator is around that. So, when you’re writing for a prompted contest do just make sure you set the requirements of the prompt down clearly.

This is where the learning began… |…a decade later – this final paragraph is obviously ten years after the first part when the narrator goes (back) to school. As a story about someone learning something new later in life, this ending felt a little odd – we know nothing about the learning that was undertaken except for maybe a tiny flick that it was something odd from the final, final words (it almost reads like a mystery or secret has been unravelled). In any case, we should see what the actual learning is.

I’d recommend re-looking for a third genre. Education, Adult – either of these would fit far better than Other does.


Closing Comments
A good start to the story but then you sort of missed the prompt requirement. Telling us what the narrator was learning later in life would have fixed that and given it a little more shape.


Thank you once again for entering "What a Character! : Official WDC Contest" . If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
24
24
Review of Once Every Year  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi PureSciFiPlus

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
The logline for this story is really fascinating – a house that comes and goes (and takes people when it goes). There’s so much suspense that goes with that, though to be honest I really did think Jasmine was a little bonkers going into the house this time! Despite having a (slender) escape plan, the situation felt rather dire!

Feel a little like Jasmine understand that too, but she’s upbeat about it because if she’s stuck inside then she’s hopefully going to find the others too. Quite interesting that she says Even if I can’t get us out of there … | … we are still alive – seems like she’s already become one of those in the house though, at this stage, the house hasn’t even shown up yet. Investigative reporting at its finest, as well as a good showing of courage.

The house rather arrived without a lot of fanfare, even though the sky got dark and all the lights were shining out windows. Does it come onto a spare plot of land? I’m presuming though, even as I kind of see it whirling around like the one in The Wizard of Oz and kind of landing wherever. It’s great to see the image in the story at this point; it would be pretty freaky to see it suddenly appear!

Liked how when Jasmine got in the house, and then Max, there was the classic thing of everyone going ‘can you see this?’ as if they all needed to check that their eyes and brains hadn’t gone haywire. But I would like to have seen more description of what they were looking at. I think it’s just trees down a slope, but it must have been so much more than that.

I feel a bit like the house is a sentient being of sorts, but I do wonder why it goes about encouraging youngsters in its doors. Though, probably doesn’t need to try hard given youngsters and haunted houses kind of go together.

The end is great. I think readers possibly suspect it’s true, given that no one seems to have ever come out of the house whenever it’s shown up over the years, but it’s quite a bald statement from the young girl. I’d like to have known if the live stream was still going on at this time because I can imagine that would be causing a lot of panic!


Things to Work On
Thought there were a number of plot holes in this story, though sometimes to be expected when you’re writing to a word limit. The biggest is: if this house has been coming and going for two hundred years, taking with it up to 10 people a time, why the heck do people still go into it? And why does it stick around for three days? Is it acting like a venus fly trap, of sorts? On top of that, there’s a three-year gap between Jasmine’s sister going in and Jasmine going in after her – why three years?

Jasmine’s smile was mostly hidden by her lips behind the microphone in front of them. – though readers will get what’s going on here, when you slow it down, it’ doesn’t actually make sense. I’d recommend removing ‘by her lips’ and ‘in front of them’ to leave Jasmine’s smile was mostly hidden behind the microphone.

If I will be leaving with it. – Jasmine says this but on its own, it doesn’t make sense, but also, directly before this she says she will be leaving with the house, so I think you can delete this sentence entirely.

…she open it without any problems… – opened rather than open.

It’s very simple to explain. – this is coming from an 18-year-old and there’s no indication prior of her education or even her interest in science or science fiction. So… it seems a little off. And within this same section of speech she says At least it appeared like one to me. – appeared should be appears since she’s saying this out loud to everyone.

There are a couple of sections where sort of repeat yourself – when Jasmine is saying she doesn’t think her sister’s anywhere close and it will take some time to find her. Followed by Max asking what she wants to do, including looking for the girl and the others, and then Jasmine repeating that she is going to look for her and the others. And just after this there’s a conversation about Max staying or going and taking people and Jasmine saying she wants to take people. If you cut back on the repetition, you could find the word space for more description of the house and of this new planet they seem to be in.

See What? – What doesn’t need to be capitalised.

Watch that you keep dialogue by the same character together. Near the end where Jasmine and Heather are speaking it looks like it’s Jasmine, Heather, Jasmine, Heather etc (as one expects) but there’s a couple of sections that are Jasmine, Jasmine and it gets confusing for the reader who isn’t expecting that.

When Jasmine says You can’t be more than thirteen. to Heather, what is she actually saying it for? Does Heather now look like she’s 16? Or does she still look 13 and Jasmine’s surprised because she should look like she’s 16? (At the end, Heather says they don’t age so I’m presuming she still looks like she’s 13). Either way, a description of her would probably have helped clear this confusion.

Like every three months? – this is oddly specific but where would Jasmine pick this duration from? Everything in this story seems to be in threes (aside from the house showing up every year rather than every three years). Is that for a reason? If so, then it’s another little bit of a plot hole that needs filling.


Closing Comments
I liked the premise of this story and it definitely deserves a longer write – more lead-up (even showing the moments when Jasmine’s sister gets into the house) and afterwards when (if) they all get out. Especially fascinating to read about characters who come out of the house to find they’re two hundred years in the future!!

Some plot holes to fill in order to quieten readers’ puzzlement, but it is a nice story of courage and determination, and definitely a different take on a haunted house.

Thank you once again for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
25
25
Review of About Me  
Review by Osirantinous
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Hi THANKFUL SONALI 17 WDC YEARS!

I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . Thanks for entering!


Reader Impressions
A fun, light story which one may not expect from the prompt! And I like that you even showcased the picture in the story, almost like you’d opened your wallet to show us a picture of your kids or pets!

Both Karen and Danny, though, are really hesitant about the house so I would like to have seen a bit more on that side. Clearly, it’s a freaky looking house which would put people off but what other tales linger about it that would keep people away? Especially since it’s not haunted (Loved the bit about the moth!) and yet appears to still be furnished. The narrator is quirky so I’d like to have seen more of that come out.

Nice set of endings, too – the hotel and the engagement. Definitely not expected with such a prompt so it goes to show a prompt can be interpreted in so very many ways. The engagement ending is great in that it also highlights how humans can be such chameleon-like creatures. Nothing can really define us. And yet… the ‘it’s all about me’ became ‘it’s all about us’, which was nice.


Things to Work On
I admit I couldn’t quite figure out what tense this story was in. For the most part it seems a sort of present tense and yet where there are some clearly present-tense moments (such as Karen’s real-estate business needs to pick up momentum I was like, tense swapping. It didn’t massively disrupt my reading flow but I guess it picked at me enough to mention here. I suspect it’s all just me and not you though *Smile*

I really had only one other thing where I’d suggest a slight change.

“What isn’t she fooling you about, and am I, Danny, being fooled?” he asked – the ‘he asked’ at the end felt too late after two questions. I’d put it after the first question (to Aunt Edna) and then follow with his own question. Give the two questions a bit of a pause between each other for more impact.


Closing Comments
A nice story with a definite ‘can’t judge a book by its cover’ theme. The mind does boggle a bit though at what escapades were dreamed up for the guests! (Maybe the guests can start telling their own stories.)


Thank you once again for entering "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . If you have any queries about anything above, don't hesitate to get in touch.

Kind regards,
Osirantinous

My member sig


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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