|Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.
Overall impression: sorry, but I must disagree. This is the reason you should write poetry. I found it an interesting idea presented in a nice format that caught my attention.
Structure: there is not a set structure, but that is something you can play with or leave it as is.
Rhyme: there is no rhyme, but there is a smooth flow to the poem.
Rhythm: there is a good beat to the poem that carries the reader quickly along.
Imagery: this is a strength of the poem. Some really great images here: dirty black breath - there are a number of connotations here, leaving it up to the reader to fill in the blanks.
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