\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED ITEMS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/plansing/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/10
Review Requests: OFF
491 Public Reviews Given
723 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 6 7 8 9 -10- ... Next
226
226
Review of Break Me  Open in new Window.
Review by Leeboi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
You should write this in a Haiku form (5-7-5) because it would match the style and length. Otherwise, I see your point/message and I think it is good telling someone that they can take whatever they desire from you, but they can't break it because you're fragile. Actually, we are all fragile. Anyway, nice poem, and keep on writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

227
227
Review of Secrets  Open in new Window.
Review by Leeboi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Interesting poem. It kind of reminds of Tupac's poem, "The Rose that Grew from Concrete." This has the similar tone, but I feel it is a bit too short. I would like to see more description about the rose: how beautiful it is, what color (obviously red), the smell, the incredible feelings it leaves the character. You know, the idea that I, the reader, am actually there with the rose, lost in its beauty.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

228
228
Review of A Thousand Years  Open in new Window.
Review by Leeboi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Nice. Some minor notes:

Opening Line: "Upon these rocky shores I stood a child before the open sea." Even though this is a poem, I still feel a comma should be added in this line, "Upon these rocky shores I stood, a child before the open sea." Just to give the reader a proper break in that first line.

Other than that, nice poem. Keep on writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



229
229
Review of Truth  Open in new Window.
Review by Leeboi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Welcome. I would like to say that this poem is...good. The part I have a problem with is the ending, "The truth never did set me free." It's as though you went from a poem to a prose with this line. I would consider revising it to, "The truth never did set you free, did it?" You know, to give the reader a backlash as if the poem was geared toward them and not a character. Anyhow, just a thought, it's fine the way it is. And welcome to writing.com; keep on writing!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


230
230
Review of Rejected  Open in new Window.
Review by Leeboi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I'm...speechless. I must say, for a newcomer, this is pretty good. The only flaw I found was, "You standing down looking up to me." I found this line sort of...ruining the flow of the poem. Plus, this person looking up to the character, "you," is this reverse psycology where the devil injected, "you" and "you" became the devil and returned the favor? Anyhow, the flow goes very well up til that point. I would slightly revise that to, "You standing down, looking at me." All-in-all, keep on writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


231
231
Review of If I....  Open in new Window.
Review by Leeboi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow! In such a small segment tells the complete thoughts of a vengeful character. The only suggestion I would make is to add punctuations (periods) at the end of every statement/verse. Just so one thought ends and another one begins. This is to help the reader better relate to your poem that the character's thoughts are singular, not justified. Just a thought. All-in-All, keep on writing!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
232
232
Review of Tommy  Open in new Window.
Review by Leeboi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Line: "The wouldn’t accept a house cat as one of their own." Typo on the first word, it should be, "They."

Overall, I feel this story should be transformed into a poem because it's short and tells the thoughts of a cat. Also, I never caught the cat's name, perhaps, that should be added in the beginning so that the reader knows everything about this cat character from beginning to end. Just a thought. All-in-all, keep on writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

233
233
Review of Death Stalkers  Open in new Window.
Review by Leeboi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Sentence 3, Paragraph 1: "Turning on the ignition after stradling the seat still standing, she sat down." Sounds awkward, I would consider revising to something like, "She turned on the ignition and after she stradled the seat, she sat down." You have an extra word in there that isn't necessary which is,"still standing" and that's what makes the sentence awkward. It's called 'wordiness' because you already state that the biker has sat down, therefore, cues the reader that the biker, before sitting down, was standing.

Sentence 1, Paragraph 2: ""Hey, you busy tonight?' a voice says from the shadows." What about, "'Hey, you busy tonight?' ask a voice from the shadows." Just replace, "says" with, "ask."

Sentence 2, Paragraph 2: "'You know i am Kirk, what do you want?'" The, "i" needs to be capitalized.

Sentence 3, Paragraph 2: "'Same thing as always, money you got any jobs for me tonight, i need it real bad?'" This sentence needs proper punctuactions because as I read it, it sounds as though, "money" was a character. "Same thing as always, money, you got any jobs for me tonight? I need one real bad?" Added were a comma and a question mark.

Sentence 5, Paragraph 2: "She turned her bike around and left without a second glance backwards." The part that concerned me here was, "second glance backwards." It sounds poetic, therefore, needs to be changed, "without another glance" or "without a glance."

Sentence 1, Paragraph 4: "A husky male voice replied, 'Stop with the smart assery or ill stop with the pay!' The, "i" needs to be capitalized.

I'll stop here. From what I read so far, it's okay in terms of comprehension. Perhaps that's what really matters in a story like this. But overall, I feel this story lacks proper character development and setting. The story began as if I, the reader, already knew this place in which I didn't. I don't even know the character that well and yet it's introduced to me as so. In terms of punctuaction and grammar, parts of the story needed proper quotations marks. I noticed you used only single quotation which, to me, stated that these character were talking inside their heads. Despite all this, I do give you a lot of credit for trying to expand your creativity. It's not easy writing about themes of the holidays, in this case, Halloween (horror, torture, gore, etc.). All-in-all, keep on writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


234
234
Review of A Garden Bower  Open in new Window.
Review by Leeboi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow! Talk about technical. I like this poem because it's simple, yet filled with description. Your words are truly colorful. The only thing I would suggest is to revise the last segment, "a garden bower for a queen" because it doesn't entirely rhyme with the last verse. It's not that big of a deal though; all-in-all, keep on writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

235
235
Review of My Dad  Open in new Window.
Review by Leeboi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Errors/Typos:

Verse 11: "He has maitained his sobriety." The word, "maitained" is a typo, "maintained."

Structure:
Structure wise, I feel this poem jumps back and forth about the character's dad. It begans with positive verses then the next segment jumps into negatives. Is this what you were intending? Because the conclusion indicates the two faces or 'masks' that the character's dad wears; that he is two different people at home and with other people. If this is so, then I don't really have any suggestions, structure wise.

Otherwise, the poem should be consistant with one theme, whether it's your dad's good side or his bad, but not both. In my view, doing both takes a lot of the emotions away, when a reader reads this, and emotions are very important in poetry writing. Just a suggestion.

Character Development:
More similes or descriptions are needed to better describe the character's father like, "My dad, the role model, helps me with my homework everyday even after his long 30 hour shifts."

Plot:
N/A, although, it's entirely up to you to add a plot.

Summary:
Overall, the poem is okay. It does need some polishing or revisions in character development and probably structure. I will admit, the mask of the father is very creative. Nice thinking, and keep on writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

236
236
Review by Leeboi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.0)
Well, first off, this is not an essay. It's more of a poem than an essay because of the second paragraph, which has some rhymes. A reflection essay would contain a thesis, a body of your argument, and a conclusion of your final thoughts. This is only two paragraphs long with no introduction. My suggestion is to turn this piece into a poem because you get the emotions and thoughts off well, but format wise, it's not properly structured; at least in essay form that is. Just a thought. All-in-all, keep on writing!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
237
237
Review of Friends  Open in new Window.
Review by Leeboi Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Some notes:

Verse 1: "I find," how about adding a colon instead of a comma after, "find" because you name quite a list after this line. Just a thought.

Verse 15,16, & 17:

What counts in the end?
I ask,
When the life wanes,

On verse 16, eliminate that whole verse. It's not needed. In my view, it's too wordy and would be better without it to make the answer much more meaningful; as it is not bothered or ruin by the last verse. Also, on verse 17, "When the life wanes," how about, "When life wanes" or "As life wanes."

Last Verse: "Few good friends." Add an, "A" at the beginning for a better flow and a more completed sentence.

Overall, I feel the prose needs more clarification as to why those things you've listed are important or were considered by you, the writer. In other words, a bit more description of why the character or "you" find life as depressing as described in some of your verves such as: "The corn fields," and "The bucolic plains."
Also ask yourself: Why are friends important in the end? Because they are excellent in understanding? They are the closest thing to family? These need to be clarified in order for the reader to gain a better understanding of your prose. These are only suggestions and I hope this does not discourage you. I am only trying to help. Otherwise, keep on writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
237 Reviews • *Magnify*
Page of 10 • 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/plansing/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/10