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1,392 Public Reviews Given
2,269 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
In depth, detailed, and honest. I always point out the things I enjoyed most about an item, highlighting the strengths along with any weaknesses or glitches I might find. To me, it's important to let a writer know how something made you feel and what reactions you had when reading, not just the technical aspects.
I'm good at...
Characterization, punctuation, plot, and grammar.
Favorite Genres
Anything dark and angsty. Horror, erotica, dark dramas are usually my favorites.
Least Favorite Genres
Westerns, Sci-Fi, and comedy.
I will not review...
Poetry and non-fiction. I read these for pleasure alone. I don't know enough about the technicalities to give a decent or useful review. Any comments I send are always just based on my personal reactions as a reader.
Public Reviews
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Review of Break Me  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Ah! It is about time you got a folder to house this story. I was dying to get it the ribbon it so justly deserves! I love the descirption you chose. It eludes to some of the horror Erin endures within the prison, yet testifies to her determined strength and fighting Irish spirit. *Thumbsup* In my humble opinion, this story gives Tom Fontana and my beloved HBO series, "OZ" a run for their money. There are too few prison dramas out there. Thank you for gifting your readers one that is not only exciting, but crafted with such skill.
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Review of Sarah  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Lady Jane,

This is the second story of yours that I have had the pleasure of reading today. While the writing itself was superb, the content broke my heart. *Cry* The story of Sarah and her atrocious mother will stick with me for a long time. You painted horrific images of abuse, easily depicting her mother as the monster she is. My heart ached and raced along with the protagonist every step of the way.

This story adressed a very serious issue in our country and brought it to a very emotional light. Many people feel it is not their business, and turn a blind eye, fearing they will make the situation worse. Mrs. William's reasoning makes sense...but, children have no way out. They are innocent victims whose voices are silenced before they can cry for help. They do not have the same option as an adult to flee a bad situation by packing up and leaving.

I've often said I could never work in social services or in animal rescue because I would end up going to jail. This story cements those feelings. Wonderful job, I look forward to reading more of your work.
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is a very well written and informative rebuttal on your part. It only makes sense that a site as large as WDC would need some sort of revenue. All of the different options your community offers, along with the ability to post numerous stories for free take up a VAST amount of bandwith...which in turn can be very expensive to the owner/operators.

I do not see the point in complaining about something when you have the option of using services for free. No one is forced to buy gift points or upgrade to a paid membership. More often than not, these are gifted to members through the generous community and organizations run through your site. Gift points are not feudal in the least. *Laugh* They are a way of rewarding members for being active, for good work or deeds, or to generate more exposure for ourselves. This system, along with the rating, makes WDC a truly unique place....the place to be for any author...whether rich or poor.

I gladly pay to use this site, and willingly spend a small fortune in gift points, but it is all worth it. Whether for the added features (premium is VERY much worth the price) or the joy I feel when I can give something back for a great review or gift a talented author or piece of work with an awardicon or merit badge. Like anything in life, you only get out what you are willing to put in and being active pays off in its own way.

Please don't take the words of a few naysayers to heart. You and the Story Mistress have a beautiful thing going here. As my mother always says, "You can't please all of the people all of the time." However, I think the vast majority here would disagree...when it comes to WDC and its sytem in general....you are doing a wonderful job.

Best wishes,
Adriana
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (5.0)
Lady Jane,

Welcome to WDC! *Bigsmile* I hope that you are enjoying the site and are finding your way around okay.

This is such a powerful story you have written. The choice of title and description were a perfect choice. Having working in with Alzheimer's patients before, I know well this heartbreaking condition. You caught and portrayed it to a tee.

It was difficult to see the world through Carrie's eyes as she approached the home, to feel her frustration as she explained things her mother had forgotten, but nothing was as gutwrenching as the end of this poignant tale. (I don't want to spoil the end for anyone who might read this review)

This is the kind of writing and story that I would reccomend to my friends in search of a good read. I commend your talents and look forward to reading more of your work in the future. *Smile*

Best wishes!
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Initial impressions: This is a realistic look at a major problem among children today. Sadly, even some adults can be figured into that equation as well. You've shown the reader how brutal kids can be, as they torment a young girl for her differences. They don't think about the effect their words may have and tell her to go kill herself. This was utterly heartbreaking. You can feel the girl's deseration as she asks if that would make them stop.

The characters: A clique of thoughtless teenagers and their reluctant target. These were written in a believable manner.

Setting/Plot: This takes place in a school setting, my guess is near the bathrooms and later in a class. The plot is woven firmly into the setting and adresses one of society's major issues. With school shootings on the rise, things like this are vital to understand and prevent.

*Idea*Suggestions for improvement:*Idea* This is listed as a short story, not a chapter. As it is, it leaves the reader with a feeling of no ending. A story has an arch, starting with an initial conflict, raising to a cliamax, and concluding with some final resolution or answers to the questions a reader forms through the tale. We are given no hint about what happened to the girl. I would suggest at least incorporating some hint as to what her fate was. A note...something.

Technical/Grammatical Errors:
"Yeah go kill yourself Goth." they Yeah, go kill yourself, Goth, " they

and screamed "fine! "Fine!

will it!?" the boys stared The boys

she ran into the girls bathroom girl's bathroom indicates posession...the bathroom belonging to the girls

"Of cores not "Of course spelling

Alan." another boy laughed Alan," another boy laughed dialouge is closed with a comma when a tag indicating who is speaking is attached *Wink*

Alan who shared a class with the girl sat in his Alan, who shared a class with the girl, sat commas set off indicative clauses

"Dose any one "Does anyone

Helen razed her hand raised

They stares at him with shock stared

nine through seventy tree seventy-three

A few seconds after Mrs. Godsen left five people left, five

this time more loudly more loudly reads awkward...why not consider saying "in a louder voice" or something to that effect.

we will have to start class with out her without


Note: *Note*Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your story and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created!*Note* *Smile*

*Star*Overall Opinion & Final Notes:*Star* This story has a lot of potential. With a little editing and filling out the plot/ending a bit more, I think you can have an outstanding piece. If you do make any revision, please let me know. I would be happy to come back and give this a higher rate. Thank you for sharing your work and best wishes!
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (4.5)
Absolutely amazing. I'm awed by how you manage to paint such a startling, vivid picture here in so few words. A talented feat! Your word choice is perfect and unique, especially the part about scattering blankets of ash and fear. The whole blurb gives one an uneasy feeling of panic and sets them on edge.

The only suggestion i would have is-- "No..." The girl murmured, the girl murmured as dialouge tags are not capped.

Other than that, this was brilliant! *Thumbsup*
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Initial impressions: This is a wonderful premise for a story. Something about forbidden or star-crossed love has always struck a favored chord in my heart. Adding the battle of light and dark forces behind it promises to up the ante and further the angsty suspense.

The characters: Just a hint is given as to their ultimate fate. The prologue makes the reader curious to find out how they ended up this way....locked in a deadly embrace on a park bench.

Setting/Plot: Eluded at with enough hints to draw a reader in. It seems this story will pack a powerful punch with both elements woven together! *Thumbsup*

*Idea*Suggestions for improvement:*Idea* Honestly, I was a little confused in the opening statements. How could people know the couple took their own lives if no cause of death could be determined? To me it sounds like they died of natural causes then, rather than suicide.

Technical/Grammatical Errors: The attendees of the funeral gave out that the two were in a forbidden love. Rather than "gave out," why not try stated or learned? Gave out reads a little awkward.

Most though, reside in New York City, where our story takes scene. the scene of our story or where our story takes place.


Note: *Note*Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your story and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created!*Note* *Smile*

*Star*Overall Opinion & Final Notes:*Star* It sounds like you have in interesting story in the making! I would definately be interested to see where this one goes. *Smile* Keep up the great work and keep penning!
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very interesting poll! I too have noticed the differences in published literature and wondered what the rules are and if they were being followed. Too many times, I noticed places I thought commas should be used and wondered how the author got away with it! *laughs* I like how you forced our hand, making us pick one side or the other. Though a limited poll, it does have interesting results.

Dang those commas anyway!
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Review of The Rule of Three  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Initial impressions: I have to admit, you got me here. At first, I thought perhaps the protagonist suffered from the early onset of MS. The symptoms seemed to fit. I love to learn something new, and you had me googling meningioma in short order. It is amazing, despite the circumstances she is trapped in, how calm this woman remains throughout the course of the story. Perhaps I am a bit of a baby, but I would have been screaming and crying in hopes of being heard and helped!

The characters: One very brave woman and her cat, Jenna. I thought this feline companion added a lot to this short story. Cats are so finicky and her tempermental snit rang true and drew a knowing laugh from this reader! You captured the relationship between cat and owner perfectly!

Setting/Plot: Chilling. In some way, it reminded me of Gerald's Game, but with your own unique spin and twist. Unable to move, a poor woman remains prisoner on the floor in her bedroom for days. The trick is, her mind is what holds her captive. Well played, right down to the sights and smells....some of which are not so pleasant. *Thumbsup*

*Idea*Suggestions for improvement:*Idea* I'm not sure if it is part of her condition, but her resignation and calm acceptance to the situation baffled me. As I said though, I'm a bit of a baby. *Laugh*

Technical/Grammatical Errors: None noticed.

Note: *Note*Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your story and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created!*Note* *Smile*

*Star*Overall Opinion & Final Notes:*Star* As usual, you wove another enthralling tale. I know anytime I see your name attached to something, it will be a great read. Keep writing and best wishes!
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Mara,

In this chapter, Erin makes leaps and bounds in the way of character development. The reader gets to see her ease into a more comfortable role with Ean, hints of her playful, sassy spirit showing through. Her phone conversation with Abby was priceless, showcasing a blunt humor and acceptance that only longtime friends with a deep understanding of each other can have.

I loved the scene outside, as night fell where she roasted marshmallows with her son. It was such a poignant moment in the story, telling much more about this mysterious hunk, Ean. Who has never at least SEEN one being roasted? His concern and hesitation drew a laugh of delight from this reader as you wove a magical feel into the end of this installment.

For all his bravado and gruff exterior, Ean is merely a man...a man with a vulerable heart who is very much afraid of falling in love. I cannot wait to see what the next chapter from this talented author brings!
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Review of DEAR ANONYMOUS  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (5.0)
Khalish,

You started this piece out with a wonderful poem that sets a mood and tone that carries out through the rest of this piece. I'm not good at reviewing poetry, as you know, but I did enjoy it. *Smile* It is an earnest plea but also a statement of acceptance.

What really got me the most though, were the notes attached at the end. We all gripe and bemoan the anonymous hate reviews, but honestly, I never at down and thought about it in such an in depth manner. Though it is clear you do not condone the practice, you pointed out that even these painful acts hold some merit.

You points about how they affect WDC in general held a strong validity. After reading this, I clearly see the impact removing this option or the abusers would have on the system as a whole. None of us have the right to ask the kind people who run this site to put themselves in that position. You've given me an entirely new outlook on this situation, one that encompasses more than my personal disposition. For that, I thank you.

You are right, it is all about giving and receiving here. That does mean taking the good with the bad. As adults, most of us are able to see the acts for what they are and brush it off, though the sting may still remain. Writers are a tenacious lot of people with thick skin. The views you state here make it a little easier to put things into perspective. The majority should win, when it comes to taking the feedback we get to heart...and yes...all of it is valuable because it offers a new insight.

Sorry to prattle on, you just really got me thinking! Thank you for sharing your poem, as well as your wisdom. I hope that you have a wonderful day. *Smile*
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (4.0)
MatthewK,

This is quite an interesting story you have going here. It reminded me a lot of the beloved Wizard of Oz tale, but with its own unique insight and spin. Things begin with a bang, barely affording a breath between the time the hurricane strikes and when the house lands! The sequence is quick and action packed, a sure way to hold a reader's attention. You infuse the story with a great vocabulary, finding new ways to say old things. *Thumbsup* I really liked the twist about the hypnotic witch and the two fighting over the newly arrived "baby boy."

The characters: These come across well with a touch of realisim. Though little is given in the way of physical description (which makes it a little difficult to imagine the story through the character's eyes) their personalities shine through their actions. This proves to be a heart pounding tale as our protagonist is caught in the middle of an age old battle between good and evil. Not only that but the poor guy has to make an ardorous journey! All of these elements combine to make a delightful read.

Setting/Plot: The setting is described in much more depth than the characters. We get a great visual painting of the sprawling landscapes and the author offers a majestic, yet darkly mysterious world for our reading pleasure.

*Idea*Suggestions for improvement:*Idea* Just a tad more description of the witches. This would really help convery the feelings of good and evil and will build suspense. Also, you used "she said," "I said" after almost every piece of dialouge. It isn't necessary to always say who is speaking as it it clear the conversation is between the main character and Patricia. Also, said can often be replaced with a more colorful action like whispered, assured, warned, etc. Mixing things up will keep the action higher and prevent things from taking on a monotonous feel. *Wink*

Technical/Grammatical Errors:

Gusts of wind carrying waves of rain pushed through the seams between the windows and bowed inward the front door. The end of this sentence is a tad awkward. I think by striking "inward" you would get a much smoother feel.

The eye of the hurricane past overhead passed to pass denotes movement. Past is a reference to a previous point in time.

I stepped into a dream that was placed before me in stop time. I stumbled here as a reader. What does that mean, placed before me in stop time? Maybe simplifying the statement would help clarify what you intended to say here.

a woman with matching legs to those beneath the house. with legs matching those beneath the house This gives it a tighter smooth feel.

She hovered in the air a moment surveying the scene. moment, surveying comma

She descended slowly, her gaze focused on me unwaveringly. her unwavering gaze focused on me.

The feeling began to become awkward, why not consider saying The feeling grew?

You see it was I who brought him here. You see, it

In one quick motion her walking staff flew to her, she mounted it and whirred off the ground. In one quick motion, her walking staff flew to her Also, here you join two complete sentences. The first ending between "her" and "she." Therefore, it should either be two separate sentences or join them with a semi colon. In one quick motion, her walking staff flew to her; she mounted it and whirred off the ground.

A caring hand touched my shoulder and to my surprise Patricia was standing next to me. and, to my surprise, Patricia



Note: *Note*Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your story and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created!*Note* *Smile*

*Star*Overall Opinion & Final Notes:*Star* Overall, I think you have a great beginning here. It promises to be an enticing story for readers of all ages. I look forawrd to reading more and seeing how this journey plays out. *Bigsmile* Best wishes and write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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Review of Kerosene  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Ally-la,

The description is what drew me to your story. It held the promise of being a wild and explosive story. You delivered that promise well! *Thumbsup*

Reader's impressions: This is such a powerful story. It trasported me back to the wild, reckless days of youthful abandon. I feel as if I got to know your characters and feel this story is something most of us can relate to. Who hasn't fallen for a bad boy at least once in ther life or yearned to be one? You start thin off, hinting at the tragedy to come and take the reader by the hand to lead them through it. This was a great job of bringing a story full circle. All ends were tied together nicely and the ride was exhilerating! My favorite part was where his life was compared to his driving, fast, dangerous and reckless. *Thumbsup*

Characters: I really liked the rebellious boy the story was centered on. He was like a breath of fresh air and had a very unique manner to him. His causal manner and dangerous aura made him very appealing to me for some reason. He reminds me of some of the suave bad boy icons like James Dean or a young Marlon Brando. *Heart* Excellent job in this department.

Setting: Various places. There isn;t a vast amount of decrption but I did love the images you painted of his car. I could see, hear, and smell it. Great job there.

Plot: Ill-fated love...at least on the POV character's part. The pacing was fast and exhilerating. This story is like a rollercoaster ride with many rushes and turns that make it a fun ride.

*Idea*Suggestions for improvement:*Idea* It would make it easier on your reader's eyes if you put an extra line break in between paragraphs.

I can't help but wishing you had given your male character a name. He was so well developed it feels tragic that we only come to know of him by "him or he."

Try to avoid rehashing the same phrases over and over again. This slows the story down and gives it a repetitive feel. A good example is where you decribe the love/friendship between characters.

You start a lot of sentences with "and." This gives the story a stilted feel. Try reading a few without the "and" —see if you think it gives it a better sound.

*Snow2*Technical/Grammatical:*Snow2*

His eyes were so crazy insane wordy/awkward I think this would read better as His eyes were crazed

He depended on nothing but the flames. I could say he depended on me. I could make a convincing argument for his dependence on me. I could convince everyone. But I would know I was lying. He didn’t depend on anyone but the flames. This is a tad redundant. I'd suggest triming it down so you aren't saying the same things over again. I could lie and say he depended on me and even convince everyone but myself. I knew the truth. The flames were the only thing that mattered to him. I'm sure you can think of something better than my example. *Smile*

And he came up to me, hair brown, flopping this way and that, awkward wording To get a smoother feel, try He came up to me, brown hair flopping

I accused him of colored contacts so many more times than once. repetitive If you say times, or even many times, the reader assumes it is more than once. I accused him of wearing colored contacts many times.

And he rattled down my street; I could literally hear him coming. And he pulled into my I don't think And is needed to start either sentence. See what you think. *Smile*

I was appalled, the first time, asked him about the smell punctuation/grammar The first time, I was appalled and asked him about the smell.

Told him he was an idiot when he told me he had some in the back seat. Told him when he crashed, he’d explode. Fragments Both these sentences lack a subject. Who told him? I told him.

He was so excited by that thought, made use of his queer, strange choice of vocabulary, and never failed to add on an endearment. Here you can either start a new sentence or use a semi colon. Ex: He was so excited by that thought. He made use of his queer, strange choice of vocabulary, and never failed to add on an endearment. To take things on step further, you can simplify this and make it more active. He was excited by that thought. He spoke, always using his odd choice of vocabulary, and never failing to add an endearment.

dropping me back after an especially long day. dropping me off


Note: *Star* Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your story and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created! *Star* *Smile*

Final notes: I really enjoyed the time spent in your port. I think with a few minor edits, this will be an outstanding piece. Feel free to let me know if you decide to make any changes. I would love to come back and give it a higher rate. You show great potential as a writer and I look forward to seeing more of your work. Best wishes and write on! *Bigsmile*

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Review of To Forgive Divine  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Montie Michelle Barbour,

Hello and welcome to WDC! I hope that you are finding your way around and finding your experience here to be an enjoyable one. *Smile* I saw your item listed in the read a newbie column and found the title and description intruiging. I think revenge is something that has crossed all of our minds at least once in the course of our lives.

Reader's impressions: Wow! After reading the title, this was not what I expected. It was actually a pleasant surprise. *Thumbsup* You paint vivid images with your words. I could easily imagine this sad, withered man with gaunt features as he lay in bed. The emotional revelations that take place throughout the story will help readers empathize with your female protagonist on a deep level. You were even considerate enough to cue us in on a medical term some may not be familiar with. As the story wore on, my blood boiled. Monsters like him have no right to breathe.

Characters: Both are nameless but defined well in this short story. We have a man who abused and took advantage of a child and that child now, a grown woman. It makes for a suspenseful combination that makes me want to hold my breath as a reader. *Thumbsup*

Setting: A room with a bed. This is vauge but not a vital part of the story itself.

Plot: Revenge is a dish best served cold. *Smirk* There are many interpretations to that story, aren't there?

*Idea*Suggestions for improvement:*Idea* While I feel I have a pretty good idea what happened at the end, it still feels a little uncertain. I think clarifying this a little more would only serve to help the story and deepen the impact. Did she drain the bottle or didn't she?

*Star* Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your story and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created! *Star* *Smile*

Final notes: Excellent story. It made me wonder what I would do if given the chance to seek revenge. I would like to think I would be able to turn the other cheek and walk away, but we never know until faced with that temptation. Some wounds never heal. Thank you for sharing your talents and granting my a few moments of sheer entertainment. Best wishes and write on!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Reader's impressions: What a heavy downpour you have endured. Yet, you endured it with strength and grace and an amazing attitude. What strikes me the most reading this is your genuine care and concern for those around you. So many if faced with a similar crisis would withdrawl from the stress and relish being able to take time for themselves under a doctor's orders. They say that we are given trials to test our faith and character, but never more than we can endure. Sometimes, when in the midst of things, we begin to wonder if that is true. One thing after another begins to go wrong until it feels like a constant downward spiral.

You have shared what has to be one of the most difficult times in your life, and through it given the reader inspiration. You remind us that though it may feel the rain only comes harder and never ends, if we keep our faith, that rainbow will come. Our lives are only as dark and miserable as we allow them to be!

*Idea*Suggestions for improvement:*Idea* None, that is, unless you can think of a way to share some of that abundance of patience you seem to have. ;) Though a personal piece, this was very well written.

*Star* Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your work and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you! *Star* *Smile*

Final notes: I am so glad that your daughter and her family were okay and that you pulled through. From what I know about blood pressure, it is an ongoing effort. Do try to take care of yourself too, hun. You have many people who love and need you. *Heart*
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (4.5)
THOUGHTS/IMPRESSIONS: Wow! Ok, I have to admit now I am a little confused. At first, I thought all this was fiction, but after reading this introduction it seems to be based on truth. Is that the case? If not you are extremely talented at pulling the reader in and making them believe. Either way, your idea and the way this is delivered is clever. The picture at the end was a nice touch. The impact it has is even more haunting. What a charming couple they would have been with her beauty and his rugged good looks.

CHARACTERS: Lisa and Jack Goldman...both still missing. This is another installment that draws the reader deeper into their tragic story and mysterious disappearments.


SETTING: In the intro, it is Lisa's old neighborhood. This tied in well with the entry she wrote about the trees. That clue makes more sense now. *Smile* In this entry, there doesn't seem to be a particular setting.


PLOT: The disappearance of Lisa Lansing and later, the detective that investigated her case. Enshrouded in mystery, this is one read that will stimulate a reader's mind and keep them guessing.


*Idea*Suggestions for improvement:*Idea* the entries baffle me and I never now what to make of them. That said, I'm not sure what I would change, since these are written in Lisa's voice.


*Star* Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your story and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created! *Star* *Smile*

Final notes: Another mind bending installment. You continue to hold me enthralled. I wish I could peg this and figure it all out, but I can't. Perhaps that is the allure. I look forward to reading more about this woman! Best wishes. *Bigsmile*

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Review of ~Evil Fairies  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Ohh what a fantastic poem! This certainly conjures uneasy images and elicits a violent chill. It makes me want to make sure my children are tucked in soundly tonight and leave the hall light on.

That said, this was a wonderfully dark and delicious poem. *Smirk* Funny how different cultures can be. Here in America, people tend to think of fairies as beautiful and delicate winged creatures filled with giggles and delight. Yet in my ancestoral country, Ireland, they are what we think of as maleveloent spirits or demonic entities here. They are something to be feared and treated with caution.

Your poem reminded me of that very thing. You have a wonderful talent Stained and it is always a treat to read your work. *Thumbsup*
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Review of Joanna's Story  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (5.0)
D.C.Jollimore,

After reading a review of this story, my curiosity was piqued and I had to see what the fuss was about. I am so glad that I stopped by and settled down to read this, as it left a deep emotional impact.

THOUGHTS/IMPRESSIONS: The title itself doesn't come across as anything special until the reader finishes the story. Not only is this very well written, but it reaches out, rattles a reader to the core, and then applies a soothing balm. *Heart* It is emotional, spiritual, and thought provoking. The part that had the most profound effect on me was when Joanna's mother heard her daughter was in the accident. As a mother of a raspberry kiss blower myself, her reaction hit hard. The message you deliver at the end, after her struggles is poignant and one we can all learn from.

CHARACTERS: These were all well developed and well rounded. They come across as any normal family would and we watch as they become ensnared in the throe of their most difficult trials. Very realistic and believeable.

SETTING: At a house and in the hospital. This part is not overly developed with description, but gives the reader just enough to know what is going on. In turn, it keeps the focus where it belongs for this poignant short story.

PLOT: Every parent's worst nightmare. We all face things that test or challenge our personal beliefs or faith. This is the greatest challenge to our souls. While one woman's pain and discomfort causes her to stray from her previous path, she learns that her daughter's death was not, as she believed, in vain. Through Joanna's death and her family's strength and public show of faith, a man Joanna never met was touched and turned to a path where he would reach millions. This ending was both touching and thereputic.

*Idea*Suggestions for improvement:*Idea* *Worry* It's not often I'm at a loss for suggestions. Honestly, I can't think of anything I could suggest that would improve this piece. However, putting a line break between the paragraphs would make it a little easier to read on the computer screen.

Technical/Grammitical errors: None noticed.

*Star* Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your story and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created! *Star* *Smile*

Final notes: Overall, this story packed a powerful punch. It reminded me that things are not always confined to our limited scope of sight or knowledge. Thank you for the tears and inspiration. I hope you look into getting this published. Best wishes and write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
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Review of The Black Rose  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Fittizo,

I saw your story on the request a review page, looking for a way to improve it for a contest. *Smile* I hope you bear with me while I share my impressions and that you find this review to be helpful.

THOUGHTS/IMPRESSIONS: I loved the exotic title. *Thumbsup* It's enticing and draws a reader in. You build a slow air of danger and suspense that will keep people reading. The descriptions at the beginning of the story were wonderful!


CHARACTERS: Khwaja — we don't know much about him except that he appears to be a bit of a loner equipped with a dark secret. He demonstrates a brave, protective air when his female companion suddenly becomes endangered. He's the kind of man every woman hopes she will find.

Irene—a fair maiden who serves the damsel in distress role. Not much history or depth is given to her, but she is depicted to be a beautiful maiden wrought with distress and tears. She pulls the reader's sympathy.

SETTING: Dark and dangerous streets filled with demonic night creatures. Not the kind of place people want to be, especially after nightfall! We also get to venture into a bar.

PLOT: Good twist at the end! It is always nice to get an unexpected treat and you deliver that full force. It was exhilerating watching these two virtual strangers run for their lives, only to be cornered! *Shock* The end also carries a beautiful and bittersweet note that hints to love lost. *Thumbsup* The note and the way it was worded was my favorite part and it tied in perfectly with your excellent title.

*Idea*Suggestions for improvement:*Idea* It would make it a little easier on your reader's eyes if you put an extra line break between paragraphs. *Wink*

I also think it would be less confusing to the reader if you revealed Khwaja's name earlier in the story. It grows confusing and repetitive to hear him refered to as the stranger until 3/4 of the way through the story.

Also, rather than saying someone said something, why not use actual dialogue? You do this often and some readers may find it both confusing and a bit of a put off.

Technical/Grammitical Suggestions:

*Check3* And the wolves fowl, searching for their meals *Right*I think you meant howl.

The full moon stands on top, the cursed hill near the cemetery. —When not used for separation, commas indicate a pause. I think this would read better if you moved the comma. The full moon stands on top the cursed hill, near

The night brings the sprits of the unrest into our realms. Taking out the extra “the” gives this sentences a more active impact.

In the old bar, where no one comes now, there was seated guy. Awkward wording. Why not consider— A man sat in the old bar where no one dares.

*Check3* He belonged to nation which *Right* a nation

*Check3* Asking for more wine, which he now couldn’t effort. *Right* couldn’t afford.

There was a smile on his face, on seeing the full moon. Passive/wordy Seeing the full moon, he smiled.

*Check3* Looking at the dark ally, in front of the bar. Fragment This is missing a subject. Who looked?

He had looked like a good man but fear was filled in his eyes,

*Check3* there could have not been a more beautiful sight then the face of this fair maiden. *Right* than than is used in comparisons, then is used to refer to time sequence

*Check3* He in a frightened voice said that the demons are coming. *Right* He, in a frightened voice, said the demons were coming.

They play him them, before killing them. I think you meant play with them

*Check3* Irene told about the demons which where one’s the son of the great scholar of their town. *Right* Irene told him about the demons which were the sons of the great town scholar.

*Check3* Hour had passed now with no signs of the vampires. *Right* Hours had passed now, with

*Check3* Then with a swift wind, the other vampire show up. *Right* showed—shows? It is hard to tell at this point what tense you are using for your story because you shift back and forth between present and past tense. It would make it easier to follow if you picked one tense and stuck with it. Also…what did these vampires look like? Filling in some gory details would help heighten the reader’s suspense and fear.

His eyes were now blood red, his physiques became more muscular, his hairs were as dark His eyes were now blood red; his physique became more muscular, and his hair was as dark

*Question* He pulled out a weapon of strange form*Question* The reader cannot see what you do. What did this weapon resemble? What did it look like?

*Check3* He stood their in a grand posture *Right* there

*Check3* Their remains fell on the ground like the bread crums, *Right* crumbs

*Question*And I can’t see you again in tears by race.*Question* This part doesn’t make sense to me. You may want to clarify what you mean here.

*Star* Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your story and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created! *Star* *Smile*

Final notes:
I hope that you do not find the suggestions offensive, but rather, take them in the spirit they are given. This was an enjoyable read and with a few minor editing points, I think you will have an excellent story that really shines. *Bigsmile* Best of luck to you in the contest and write on!
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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (3.5)
M. S. Carnes,

Your title carried such a bittersweet note, I had to take a peek. I quickly found myself settling in to read your story and found it an enjoyable read.

THOUGHTS/IMPRESSIONS: This is a very personal and poignant look at Melissa's struggle to find love and acceptance in high school. Those years are filled with uncertainty and doubt and a time when our emotions run wild and unchecked. My heart ached watching her strive forward with determination and a stubborn grace that is admirable. The fact that this is based on personal experience lets it strum a heavy emotional chord. *Heart*

CHARACTERS: Melissa, Michael, and their cast of high school friends. She is one year ahead of him but feels an immediate attraction that lasts for three years despite his rejection. Even though they have the best of intentions, her friends only seem to throw fuel onto the fire by encouraging her to persue him. *Worry* To me, she comes across as determined and undying in her loyalty. This makes her an extremely likable character with real emotion. She yearns for the love and attention that seems to be missing from her broken nome and turbulent home life.

SETTING: High school and the usual places people would expect to encounter with this age group. Brief glimpses of her home life are given and later, hints of her adult years in New York city! *Bigsmile*

PLOT: Unrequited love and the difficult process of self discovery. It is about the painful journey we all make to realize our self worth as a person. While we all want the love of a man or woman, we do not need it to be worth something as a person. In order to make someone else happy, we first have to be happy with ourselves. *Smile* In the end, it sounds like Melissa is on that path.

*Idea*Suggestions for improvement:*Idea* While I was curious as a reader about what Michael looked like and what it was that attracted her to him in the first place it isn't a vital part. Still, a little more details about the people and settings would help paint a picture for the reader and give it less of a "narritive" feel.

Technical: There are also several places where the sentences are long and run on. Taking a second look at this, you should see that there are several places where a sentence can be broken down into two or more.

*Note1*Words like didn’t, haven’t, wouldn’t etc should all have the apostrophe because they are contractions. There are several places in the story where they are missing.*Note1*

intrigueing *Right* intriguing

Yeah, Thanks, *Right* Yeah, thanks Since it is not a new sentence, thanks does not need to be capitalized. Same thing here Michael: So You're a Sophomore, right? and here Melissa: Yeah, It's not easy, but it's only what

Megan: So everyone, lets gather for a picture, then we'll hang out in the trailor *Right* trailer There are several places after this where this word is misspelled.

Melissa walks into the house sits on the couch, Michael is talking with a friend in the kitchen *Bullet* (New sentence) Megan has called everyone

Melissa lye under the covers on the floor. *Right* lay or lied Lye is a strong chemical/cleaner

Melissa glances at him with shear sadness, *Right* sheer shear means to trim down

He didn't know until the pastors son had told him. *Right* pastor’s son

one time Mike had put a bag of Kettle Corn in Melissas locker ofr her birthday, *Right* Melissa’s locker —for her If I had a quarter for every time my fingers switched the letters around on me—I’d be rich! *Laugh*

*Star* Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your story and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created! *Star* *Smile*

Final notes: Overall, I thought this was a very inspiring story and I enjoyed reading it. Personal experices always carry a heavier impact and allow a reader to draw connections from their own experiences. It takes guts to give people such a raw, intimate glimpse into our private lives! *Thumbsup* It sounds as if things are going well now. I wish you the best of luck and hope to read more from you in the future.

Write on! *Bigsmile*
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Review of Insanity Laughs.  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
THOUGHTS/IMPRESSIONS: The title and description drew me right into this piece! Both fit the story well and were an excellent choice. *Thumbsup* The vivid description and action sequence are what grips the reader and elicits a violent chill. It is scary to think people reach that brink of madness in such a horrific way, but all too true. This haunting story is sure to stick in a reader's mind, long after they finish reading.

CHARACTERS: A young woman, so disgusted with herself and what she has become that she cannot face herself in the mirror. She's immersed in madness and eminates a powerful wave of despair. The physical description of her alone elicits a shudder and paints a vivid image.


SETTING: The most significant part of the setting is a mirror, which triggers her downward spiral and contributes to the gory ending. The reader is also given brief glimpses of what appears to be a small room or cell and the sink it contains.


PLOT: Thought provoking from a psychological standpoint. Many of us have reached a point where it is hard to face our true selves or things we have done. In this instance, that feeling is so extreme, the character feels she can no longer cope. It is also a chilling look into one person's madness and despair.


*Idea*Suggestions for improvement:*Idea* While you did a great job showing the story and I noted no spelling or grammatical errors, I still felt something was missing. I think a little more character development is needed. We know little about this woman besides what she sees or does. How did she come to be here? She's reached the point of no return, but no emotions were given to help the reader make an emotional connection with the character. I think conveying her sorrow, despair, fear or disgust through emotion as well as her actions would add a stronger intensity and allow your readers to enjoy the full scope of the story.


*Star* Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your story and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created! *Star* *Smile*

Final notes: This was a well written story that will reach out and hold a reader in its thrall until the very end. *Thumbsup* You excell at painting vivid pictures for your audience, ones that they are not to soon forget! I really enjoyed reading your offerings and hope to see more of your work soon. Best wishes and write on! *Smile*

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Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
SwordPen,

This was quite a riveting tale of a man's final march! The twist at the end was quite a shock, one that I am sure many readers will enjoy.

Here are my thoughts on the story and any suggestions I had. Please bear in mind, these are just my opinions and feel free to use or discard them as you feel best suits your style and story! *Smile*

CHARACTERS: We do not know the protagonist's name or much about him, other than he is a prisoner on death row.

SETTING: It starts out in a prison cell and moves into town square. Because of this and the unusual means of execution, the reader gets the impression the story takes place at an earlier time.

PLOT: A prisoner's final moments along with the anxious crowd's reaction to his execution. Her the writer delivers a stunning twist.

SUGGESTIONS: I think a little more information is needed about this character. We don't know why they are in prison. What crime did they commit? Also, adding some emotion such as remorse or building on their fear as they approach the platform would really help add some intensity and depth. Fleshing out the chracter and their emotions, helps the readers to form a strong connection with a story. I didn't really feel I shared the protagonist's experience...but you showed it rather well.

Technical

It would be the first time in 30 years outside of this horrible prison, and the last. I stumbled over this sentence twice. I think it would flow better and be less confusing as *Right* It would be my first time

Ignoring the searing pain of it all I embraced it. *Right*comma after the word "all"

Men tensed up ready to defend their families should this poor desperate criminal try to escape. *Right* I'm pretty sure there should be a comma after "up" and possibly one after "families"

As I passed by he lifted his head and looked at me with stern eyes. *Right* by, he

Before I could say anything he was out of earshot and it was too late.*Right* anything, he

Everyone backed away shunning my glorious procession down the road.*Right* away, shunning

*Note1* As we arrived in front of the steps to the gallows the townspeople started to gather around the stage. As I was led up the stairs *Right* You start both sentences the same way and the second comes off a bit passive as a result. Why not condiser describing who leads him up the stairs? This could be an excellent place to heighten the reader's suspense.

They all had something to live for and even though they came to watch my life end I wished them luck *Right* live for, and even though they came to watch mine end, I

As soon as I died a rush of feeling shot into me. *Right* died, a

There are a few more places you might want to take a look at your comma's, but hopefully this helps as a foundation.

Overall, I really enjoyed this story and the strange twist at the end! It certainly was not something I expected. *Bigsmile* Best wishes!
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Review of Memories Unmade  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Another riveting segment to Lisa's ungoing saga. As uusal, there is an ominious and bittersweet undercurrant to her words. The heightened mystery makes for a compelling read and I found myself searching between the lines to see if I could decipher the clue you eluded to.

Reading it, I wondered if this was not an entry made to Goldman himself, since he too disappeared. The tree seems to have a significant part in this entry, yet it is not clear if it is a literal or metaphoric oak. If so, it would seem their encounter happened in a park-like setting. I'm puzzled about the reference to a flower...an iris or lotus perhaps? Again, maybe I am looking too hard. I wish that these things were not so hard to decipher!

Her longing makes my heart ache, the words of what could have been-should have been, but will never be delivered a haunting message. To me it felt, as if she talked about being saved from her fate, not just the effects of a neglected romance.

Complex, intruiging and brilliant. *Thumbsup*
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Review of Vampires feelings  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I really enjoyed this poem and the tragic, bittersweet undercurrant you paint with your words. I could picture this lone soul, standing on the precipice, staring out and reflecting on time past.

There are a few places that the flow is a little choppy, like here But all I have is my despair,
And life of yours inside my cup.
And your life inside my cup might flow better...but that aside, this was marvelous! Hope to see more of your work around!
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Review of Eternal Bliss  
Review by Adriana Noir
Rated: E | (2.0)
This is an emotional journey through a young woman's final moments after a battle with cancer. We watch as she reflects upon her short life and sends some touching moments with her faithful companion, Rose.

Setting: This is vague. One can only assume after reading the story that she is in a hospital room or perhaps a bedroom at home. No details are given that give the reader a clear feel of the setting.

Plot: Wonderful and inspiring to a reader of any age.*Thumbsup*

Characters: Alisha. We come to learn about her though her thoughts and actions. What stirkes me most about this story is the gentle loving heart of this woman and the brave optimistic attitude she possesses. She is a fighter with a tender heart. *Heart* Rose is an interesting addition, one sure to touch the readers as well.

Suggestions for improvement*Idea* Please remember that these are only my opinions and suggestions. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your style and story. After all, only you can judge waht works best for you. The important thing is to keep your passion and never stop writing! *Smile*

*Note1* Its getting dark, cold breeze brushed the jar opposite the window making the curtains to swing. Its getting dark. A cold breeze brushed the jar opposite the window, making the curtains swing. By forming two sentences and taking out the awkward phrase "to swing," you can see how that gives the opening a smoother feel.

*Note2* Today the sunset emerged to be exceptionally dazzling than ever before, The wording here is a little awkward as a reader. Maybe*Right*emerged more dazzling than ever before.

*Note3* Perhaps it’s because this is going to be the last sunset view Alisha would see in her life. *Right*this will be Alisha's last sunset.

*Note4* She heard a noise, when she turned around to see a white plump cat sitting beside her on the bed. It’s rubbing its face on her hands while she cuddles it. She felt her body Here you shift tense from past to present, back to past. To fix this, you could try, It rubbed its face on her hands when she cuddled it.

*Note1* and then she slightly tried to sit back. Instead of taking a descriptive shortcut by saying slightly, why not use something colorful? Describe her movements as you see them. Does she grimace in pain as she eases back into the chair?

*Check1* The first page consist of her baby pictures consists or consisted

*Note2*in which she looked very cute with sweet pink outfit which her mother has knitted. *Right* she looked cute in the pink outfit her mother knitted. Taking out some of the prepositional phrases helps give this a smoother flow

Then she slowly went through her childhood pictures where her brother, mom and dad were enjoying each other. how? As a reader, I want to know what these pictures show. Are they of vacations, hugs, smiles, laughter, birthdays? How do we know they are enjoying each other?

Then she saw her high school graduation picture in which she looked very beautiful, New sentence tears filling filled her eyes and tiny drops started to wet the album.

*Question*Everything was wonderful until she heard that one day, when she came home after classes. *Question* Heard what? The paragraph right after the recording should be moved here, so that your readers understand and don't feel so lost.

*Check2* As you know mom, Im 25 years and I have I'm years old— or I'm twenty-five and I have...

*Check3*I truly believe that whatever is out there beyond this life will be marvelous

*Check4* You won’t believe how rose helped to get the tape recorder and pampering Rose—and is pampering

*Check5* I m sorry for fighting with you all these time I'm — all the time

*Check1* I swear that Im very luck to have such a beautiful family. I'm — very lucky

*Check2* After listening to the conversation, she knew that she has cancer; had cancer

*Note* I'd suggest going back through and try to keep the story tense consistant. It makes it difficult to follow when it shifts constantly from present tense works like feels, cries to rubbed, felt etc. I pointed out a few examples of this above to try to show what I was talking about. Also there are a few places in the recording where Im should be I'm.*Note*

Overall, I thought it was a very touching story about a young woman's bravery and the peace she feels as her struggle comes to an end. With a little editing, I think this is something that will really shine!

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