Fittizo,
I saw your story on the request a review page, looking for a way to improve it for a contest. I hope you bear with me while I share my impressions and that you find this review to be helpful.
THOUGHTS/IMPRESSIONS: I loved the exotic title. It's enticing and draws a reader in. You build a slow air of danger and suspense that will keep people reading. The descriptions at the beginning of the story were wonderful!
CHARACTERS: Khwaja — we don't know much about him except that he appears to be a bit of a loner equipped with a dark secret. He demonstrates a brave, protective air when his female companion suddenly becomes endangered. He's the kind of man every woman hopes she will find.
Irene—a fair maiden who serves the damsel in distress role. Not much history or depth is given to her, but she is depicted to be a beautiful maiden wrought with distress and tears. She pulls the reader's sympathy.
SETTING: Dark and dangerous streets filled with demonic night creatures. Not the kind of place people want to be, especially after nightfall! We also get to venture into a bar.
PLOT: Good twist at the end! It is always nice to get an unexpected treat and you deliver that full force. It was exhilerating watching these two virtual strangers run for their lives, only to be cornered! The end also carries a beautiful and bittersweet note that hints to love lost. The note and the way it was worded was my favorite part and it tied in perfectly with your excellent title.
Suggestions for improvement: It would make it a little easier on your reader's eyes if you put an extra line break between paragraphs.
I also think it would be less confusing to the reader if you revealed Khwaja's name earlier in the story. It grows confusing and repetitive to hear him refered to as the stranger until 3/4 of the way through the story.
Also, rather than saying someone said something, why not use actual dialogue? You do this often and some readers may find it both confusing and a bit of a put off.
Technical/Grammitical Suggestions:
And the wolves fowl, searching for their meals I think you meant howl.
The full moon stands on top, the cursed hill near the cemetery. —When not used for separation, commas indicate a pause. I think this would read better if you moved the comma. The full moon stands on top the cursed hill, near
The night brings the sprits of the unrest into our realms. Taking out the extra “the” gives this sentences a more active impact.
In the old bar, where no one comes now, there was seated guy. Awkward wording. Why not consider— A man sat in the old bar where no one dares.
He belonged to nation which a nation
Asking for more wine, which he now couldn’t effort. couldn’t afford.
There was a smile on his face, on seeing the full moon. Passive/wordy Seeing the full moon, he smiled.
Looking at the dark ally, in front of the bar. Fragment This is missing a subject. Who looked?
He had looked like a good man but fear was filled in his eyes,
there could have not been a more beautiful sight then the face of this fair maiden. than than is used in comparisons, then is used to refer to time sequence
He in a frightened voice said that the demons are coming. He, in a frightened voice, said the demons were coming.
They play him them, before killing them. I think you meant play with them
Irene told about the demons which where one’s the son of the great scholar of their town. Irene told him about the demons which were the sons of the great town scholar.
Hour had passed now with no signs of the vampires. Hours had passed now, with
Then with a swift wind, the other vampire show up. showed—shows? It is hard to tell at this point what tense you are using for your story because you shift back and forth between present and past tense. It would make it easier to follow if you picked one tense and stuck with it. Also…what did these vampires look like? Filling in some gory details would help heighten the reader’s suspense and fear.
His eyes were now blood red, his physiques became more muscular, his hairs were as dark His eyes were now blood red; his physique became more muscular, and his hair was as dark
He pulled out a weapon of strange form The reader cannot see what you do. What did this weapon resemble? What did it look like?
He stood their in a grand posture there
Their remains fell on the ground like the bread crums, crumbs
And I can’t see you again in tears by race. This part doesn’t make sense to me. You may want to clarify what you mean here.
Please remember that these are only my opinions as a reader. Feel free to use or ignore them as you feel best suits your story and personal style. You alone are the best judge of what works for you and the work of art you created!
Final notes:
I hope that you do not find the suggestions offensive, but rather, take them in the spirit they are given. This was an enjoyable read and with a few minor editing points, I think you will have an excellent story that really shines. Best of luck to you in the contest and write on!
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