First of all, I like the look of your poem. It looks like a tornado and I have a feeling that that is part of your loss. I don't like the fact that you chose to write with no capital letters, especially the i. But as the poet, I'm sure you must as done that on purpose. I enjoyed the emotions you was evoking. I had a bit of trouble with the first line. If she is the sweetest layer of a heady perfume and obviously on your mine, why would she/it be forgotten? Anyway, once I got passed that little road block, I thought the rest flowed very nicely. Keep writing! Rix
I enjoyed your peom very much. I have no clue who Trellan and Disapora are and don't really care as I believe this poem to be applicable across any genre. Your rhythm and your rhymes are exciting and fun. You have used some interesting and not overused words. Loved the imagery.
Here are some Lines that don't work for me:
1. Now can begin the real fun--rhythm falters for me
2. Our actions oh-so horrible
Our honour, though, is palpable----does not have the tight rhyme the other verses and lines have
I think your writing is coherent and moves a bit slowly and, at times randomly. I think this is more a stream of consciousness piece. Essays should have an introduction which explains what you are about to tell us, discernable I, II, IIIs, and a conclusion which will once again tell us what you just stated.
You state that you think love does not exist. I am sorry. While I think we make too many mistakes in the name of love, it certainly exists. Having said that, I ask, have you ever had a child. THat love transcends all else. But, though you never really state your thesis, I assume you were speaking of romantic love.
I think somewhere in your piece you asked why people fall out of love. Very simply, it is because they never FELL in LOVE. They would not wait to grow up and find the PERFECT PERSON for them. They had--from an early age--been taught by society that--if they were female--they needed a male to "complete" themselves or give them status.
I think one must live through and experience many kinds of love and then I think--don't laugh--they need to fall in love on the internet being very careful. Why the internet? Because it is the only place one can come to love the inside of a person and then not CARE ONE WHIT what the outside looks like. Just let me close this by saying, if you have to ask what love is or explore what love is, YOU 'AIN'T' GOT IT. Keep on writing and expressing and exploring life. You will eventually get old enough to realize that your time is short. Live life to the fullest and invest in a lifetime partner, not a lusttime partner.
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What wonderful activities for everyone in celebration of this most auspicious occasion. Thanks WDC for being here for us writers...I wonder what I did for fun before June 20th, 2005. I must have led a very boring life. A special WOW to those of you who have been members for 1,2,3,4 & 5 years.
An absolutely great write! I love it's playfulness. I also like it's "snappy" beat. Too many people write long much too long and much too complicated for my plebian tastes. Thanks so brightening my evening. When you have time check this out:
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Poem fits the two guidelines given: nature and 5-7-5. Poem describes the picture beautifully. Lobelia has truly blessed my day with sharing. Thanks and a job well done!!
The R&R of this piece in no way has any effect on the outcome of the contest. And just to advertise a bit this will be posted on the Reviewing Page with this tag: LAST DAY IS APPROACHING FOR RIX'S CONTEST:
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Can't argue with perfection. Not only are there no mechanically errors, there is precision throughout. Yes, it may have been a bit confusing at first trying to figure out what was going on, but it didn't take long to catch on! Loved it. I think the strength of the piece is the wonderful vocabulary you used and the humor. Anyone who owns a cat can relate to this.
Don't forget that time is running out to enter the great Haiku/photography contest where the prizes are not to be sneezed at. *hearts*
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I love the story although the last of it leaves me not knowing what happened. I don't understand x-ray stars or zero-based accounting. I do understand the term, but am not completely sure of the meaning with the piece although I do have an inkling. I just wonder if it is the same as you had. You ABC flow was exquisite. While you used an X word instead of respelling and EX word, I think it was an usual choice which would be fine if it made sense. Haybe you can enlighten me. I would like to have seen your story in paragraph form. Also, when you end a quotation with a question mark or an exclamation mark, you do not use the comma to seperate from the spoken and unspoken: Who are you?" said Sam. Not Who are you?", said Sam. Good job and thanks for entering the contest. My comments do not affect the winning or losing of the contest. Hope you will visit my other contest and enter it if you have not already done so.
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I think your images are very good and is the strength of this poem. I especially like: the umbilical cord now stretches like a leash. Nice comparison. It is light verse altho there are a couple of serious verse references. It is cute and it does make me smile, so your objectives have been met. The only thing that bothers me about the poem is the line: until the diapers are abandoned. I would think that once the diapers are abandoned will be a time of much more watching for safty features as the child will really be into things then! And, actually, a parent is always trying to "safty feature" their children's lives, even when they are 30 or 40! Nice write. CHECK OUT MY CONTEST:
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The sentiments expressed by this poem are easy to understand and read and, I must say, very uplifting. I particularly like uplifting poems. I think there are way too many depressing ones about. I'm not sure I like your one sentence after the title. It doesn't seem to go with the poem and not with the title either. I really think your poem stands alone without this "clue" as to what I am about to read. I just looked at it again and noticed that you have only three lines in the first verse. Did you just get your skipped line in the worng place? If so, I like that much better. Your rhyme is irratic. Verse one: NONE Verse two: abcb works excepted miss probably should be missed. Or, change it to read:
"So overcome with sadness,
The grief I cannot express,"
Verse three: abcb Verse four: abcc. You need to make them all the same or at least have some form to it. Also, your first verse has lines that are too long. Try to make these more concise. It makes your poem top heavy. Images are very good. In Verse 2: rewrite third line by dropping the and so the rhythm is intact.
I think you will have a very nice poem here when you make a few changes to even out your rhythm and give pattern to your rhyme. Keep up the good work. Rewriting takes 3 times the amount of time that writing does, minimum!
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Beautifully done, Lobelia. The postcard image is wonderful. The 5-7-5 is observed and the nature theme is loud and clear. I really like the images of a laughing sun and the tinkling. THanks for entering the Haiku contest. Hopefully, we'll get some entries. Maybe your daughters would like to enter.
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Well, Little Purple Crayon, You and Chatterbox are just too cute. What a wondeful story. I am supposed to be reviewing your mommy but when I saw you have a port, I had to hurry over to it and welcome you to WDC. Here my Chatterbox, only his name is Rowdy! ANd he certainly lives up to his name!
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I really liked your story, especially about the blue jewel. Be sure to give me a hollar when you get another story up! I can't wait. Your Devoted Reader, Rix
I am reviewing those who participated in my poll about teachers--your mommy did so that counts as you-- this afternoon. Thank you.
Visit my new poll and new contest:
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I'm reviewing people who took part in my teacher poll this afternoon. Thanks. I like your poem and think it is well put. I believe we all can relate to it. I wish I had a dollar for everytime that I have said, "The only way I would want to relive my life is if I could know everything I know now." I sure wouldn't want to be as ignorant or hardheaded again as I was at 20 or 30 or 40. The only suggestions I have for your piece are:
--use a ? after "be free to be a child"
--and I guess I am a form freak, but you have all verses with three lines and then you make one with four. Maybe if it were the last one, I could accept that, but I think your poem would be stronger with equality for all verses. Good job, keep at it!
Visit my new poll and new contest:
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This is a really difficult job to do. You have done a good job. Amazing how poems so different can come out of the same list of words. I did notice a couple of things you might want to change: weap should be spelled weep///sentement should be sentiment///glamourized should be glamorized unless you are not from the US. Also, I notice you have used the fortune twice and I think it was only listed once in the list. Double check that. Good luck
Been there done that! I would say you have captured the hurt, solitude, misery, misunderstanding, discombobulation, blame, and incredible confusion that abuse brings about. Your chorus is haunting in its simplicity and truth. How is it that we are abused by those we love and trust the most? Good write. Thank you for sharing and reminding me that we are not alone.
What a story! Superior writing. It grabbed me from the git go and held my attention all along. Of course, being a person who loves surprise endings, I thought she'd come through with THE BIG ENDING and everyone would say, "Oh, my God! She's talking about WW2 and the concentration camps" but your ending was even better. Maybe not as noticeable but the correlation with the dark clouds and the storm was magnificant. What the ultimate ending was sensational, but knowing young people like I do today, even if you explained it to them, they would get it or care to get it. I find this an extrememly powerful write. Thanks for sharing. I suppose this is non-fiction. I am secretly hoping you will say no.
All I can say is Right On! Your words are so truthful and need to be addressed. This poem needs to be viewed by many people. We need to truly make American free and equal, but alas, it won't happen. In my lifetime I have seen so many who are on "our side" become elected and quite quickly become "one of them". Seems like no one that escapes the ditches, comes out to fight for those who are still there. (I'm sorry, but our soldiers do not need to be dying for people who want their own way of life. History is suppose to teach us about our mistakes but we continue to make the same one: shaping other cultures in our ideals.) SORRY DIDN'T MEAN TO GET OFF TRACK.
Let's see where was I, of yes, your poem. Have I ever told you what a fan of your poetry I am? It's true. I like it because it is about reality....not about the seasons and flowers and nature over and over and over. I love your gift of rhyme. You are just great. You use wonderful words that have wonderful rhymes without stretching the limits or pusing the envelope. Your rhythm is impeccable. Your images clear and well drawn. Your message to me is that we should heal ourselves before we heal other. Thank you for writing and thank you for sharing.
I like this poem very much. I like it's short, succinct lines, the images that it draws, and its ability to move one along effortlessly. I find your images in the first verse to be phenomenal. Your use of restaurant lingo in the last verse that talks of moving on, I relished. I found the last two words of each of the last two lines in each verse very interesting: contours soul, probablilities nowhere, awakening journey. I felt they summed up the whole idea. I am probably way off on that one, but it seemed so to me. Good job!
I think this is an extremely well done poem. That may lie in the fact that it hits me so personally, so close to home. The rhythm works well. I think the rhymes in this poem are top notch. They are so skillfully chosen I had to double check when I got through to see if it was a rhyming poem! They are superb in my estimation. The images are very strong. Again, this may be because they are my images as well. This poem is so strong that I didn't realize I was reading a poem, but a chapter or two from my life. Great Work.
Great poem. I love poems with good rhyme and good rhythm, and a story. Yours has it all. The only suggestion I would make is that I think God should be capitalized in both instances. A very good write. Can't wait to read more. Keep up the good work.
Very, very interesting story. Held my interest all the way through. I was startled at the ending which is something I really, really like. Good Write. Congragulations on your win. I have one question, however, how could an abridged selection be more focused? Don't you mean unabridged or am I just having another Senior Moment?
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Very interesting, concise, poignant piece. I think any writer could relate to this and the beauty of it is that it is very profound while seemingly not so. Very good job. Keep up the good work. Visit These Sites and Make Your Preferences Known:
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What can I say? I have no suggestions for improvement and fell your torment and pain as I read this. Trying to gain weight is equally as difficult as trying to lose. I know I was there while you dealt with this struggle. Now in my post menapause life it seems I put on weight and it doesn't want to go anywhere. It likes these old bones. Thanks for sharing. I think you are a talented writer. I just caught on to the fact that I misspelled among and that was the message, not among. Clear as mud, right? Well, have a great life. Hope you have got this devil on the run. The mark of a good poet is that one can touch other's lives regardless of the topic and I believe this does that.
You have truley poured your heart out on this matter to an unknown enemy. However, I feel there are few adjustments you might make to bring home your point a bit better:
1. It need to be much shorter. A terrorist is not a person who would have time to sit around and read a long essay.
2. Paragraphs are usually more than a single sentence. You do keep most of yours to a nice size, but those that are long, are too long.
3. I feel you have chosen your words fairly well, but they lose their punch when you keep repeating them or like ideas more than once.
4. I fear that you have written this to a person whose psyche you cannot ever understand and that is very frustrating for you.
I particularly like this line: "Hate empties us. It does not fill us. Only love fills us. Only love." While it is true they are filled with hate, isn't it ironic that they--especially the very young one--do it for many vestal virgins which would be love.
I think you have taken on a very real task in trying to communicate across the cultures and I salute your willingness to take this on. Good luck and keep on writing.
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