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51
51
Review of Still Waiting  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello Mage Gervic.

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1. TITLE
The title fits this piece as you speak of waiting for someone to return to you in the poem itself.

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2. SYNTAX
Spelling and punctuation are correct in this piece. Grammar needs some work. I will attempt to point out the trouble areas, and will give suggestions where I can. In stanza 2 you use past tense by using the word (kept). In order to keep everything in the same tense you will need to change line 1 of stanza 1.
Stanza 1 Line 1 should be changed to: I sat in the middle of the night. This will keep the verb tense correct as you also use past tense in stanza 3 with the word (felt). The last two lines of stanza 1 are vague ins meaning. I kn ow what you are trying to say, but have no suggestions due to the 5 line stanzas. Since you start this poem with two rhyming couplets, you may consider going to 4 line stanzas to help with the rhyme scheme. I would suggest changing line 4 to: I've waited for you so long. That s whether you keep the 5 line stanza, or go with the 4 line stanza.
Stanza 2 Line 1 feels a bit wordy and awkward, If you revert to a 4 line stanza, you would get rid of this line, and the next 4 lines are written as rhyming couplets with partial rhyme rather than perfect rhyme. If you keep the 5 line stanzas consider changing line 1 to: "My mind kept reminiscing." which will allow that line to flow more smoothly. Then the second line should be written: "on the happy moments we shared." In line 3 of stanza 2" "that happy" should be the happy. Line 4 of stanza 2 seems very forced. You may consider something like: "in my life I'll pause to remember, and line 4 seems forced as well. You may consider something like: "with these as a souvenir.
Stanza3 In line 1 you may consider changing "burden" to terrible. The word burden is awkward, and I think you were looking for a synonym of terrible with its use. In line 2 of stanza 3, you may consider changing "got to be" to almost went. This should be changed for the same reason. As it is, the line is awkward and forced. Again, if you remove line 3 of the third stanza, you have the rhyme scheme with two rhyming couplets. In the last line of stanza 3 you may consider changing "You leave" to You've left, this would make the grammar correct.
Stanza 4 In the last line of the poem you may consider changing "through" to down. As it is the line sounds odd.

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3. POETIC CONTENT
This is a rhyming Free Verse Poem. Since it has no set meter it is considered as Free Verse. It is built on emotional content, and there is enough emotion to carry the poem. Since it is Free Verse poetry, the non-rhyming lines are not a technical problem.

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4. This poem does need some work, both on grammar, and on poetic form, but; with a little time and effort this will make a very nice poem relaying the author's emotion strongly.

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Overall, this needs some tightening up, but you do attempt to relay your emotions in style. Remember, these are simply my observations and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Whatever you do...Keep on writing!


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52
52
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Mage Gervic.

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*Giftt* *Gift4* *Gifto* *Gift2* *Gift1* *Giftt*


1. TITLE
The title fits the poem nicely as you speak of a promise between friends in the poem.

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2. SYNTAX
Spelling and punctuation are correct. The grammar could use some work here and there, and I will try to point those out, and give you some suggestions toward fixing those problems.
Stanza 1
"It was from the start
You and I had crossed paths.
I tried to know you
And you did too."
This stanza feels a little forced for some reason. You may consider something like:
From the beginning
when you and I crossed paths,
I wanted to know you-
you wanted to know me too.
Crossed paths could also be written as "first met." That would take care of the grammatical error in stanza 1.
Stanza 2
In line 3: "Shared gossips, whispered secrets," since you used the word shared in line 2, using it here can seem redundant. You may consider something like: we gossiped, whispered secrets, and dreamed dreams,
Stanza 3
"But those were things we had had,
Back on the days of yore.
And now that we're old,
Let’s talk on things- serious to be called."
You may consider something like:
That's how we were
back in our early years.
Now that we've grown old-
we speak of serious things.
Something like this would take care of the grammatical errors.
Stanza 4
"We both promised, we both swore,
Our friendship stays forevermore.
Forever- that one may end,
But this be remembered and kept within."
This stanza started good, and went bad. We both promised, we both swore" has a beautiful ring and rhythm to it.
Line 2 has a grammar error. It should be written as: Our friendship would stay forevermore.
Line 3 This line is vague, I am not sure what you are trying to say in this line so I have no suggestion.
Stanza 5 I would suggest beginning line 1 with "We've."
Line 2 I would suggest instead of "Cried on sorrows" make it Cried in sorrows in order to make the grammar correct.
Line 4 sounds a little forced. I would suggest something like "that when we are old we'll reminisce.
Stanza 6 In line 2, you need the word (an) before end to make the grammar correct.

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3.RHYME and RHYTHM
In places you use rhyme. in other places you choose not to. Since this is considered a Free Verse Poem as it has no set meter, that is not technically incorrect, but if you use rhyme, it is better to use it through the whole poem.

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4. TONE
The tone of this poem is upbeat and based on emotion. There is enough emotion in this poem to carry it very nicely. Good work.

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5. My favorite part of the poem is:
"I’m grateful to have you as my friend.
We may grow old and come to end,
But in our hearts, friendship once sewn
And this was what we'd deeply sworn."
This stanza speaks of your determination to keep your friendship alive, and your dedication to your friend. This stanza ends this poem perfectly.

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Overall, this is a nice Free Verse Poem. Remember, these are simply my observations and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Whatever you do, Write on!


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53
53
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Mage Gervic.

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1. TITLE
The title fits this piece nicely as you speak of your tears in the poem .

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2. SYNTAX
Spelling is correct, punctuation and grammar are correct in most places. That being said, there are some places that need work. In the following section:
"These aches I bear
This pain I suffer
These tears shed
From my innocent eyes
If were be measured
Fills and overflows.
Even though these are natural breaks, since you use punctuation in some places, you should use it in all places. After line 1 you could use a (-) as a break instead of a
comma. You need a comma after line 2 and line 4. The grammar in lines 5 and 6 is awkward. They would be better written something like:
"Cannot be measured
as they continually flow".
You need a comma after the line "Full of anger." In the following lines:
"Its roots penetrates in my very flesh
Sipping bloods in my every vein."
penetrates should be penetrate, and it should be "sipping blood from rather than in. The line "never be rotten" would be better written "never be destroyed. You need a comma after bitterness.

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3. IMAGERY
You use some imagery, but this is an emotional poem, there is enough emotion to carry the poem.

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4. This is a very nice Free Verse poem. Just a little tightening up and it will be great.

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Overall, this is a nice poem. As I said, a little tightening will make this one right. Good job. Keep on writing!


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54
54
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Mage Gervic.

' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review was purchased for you by an anonymous member.'

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1. TITLE
The title fits the poem nicely.

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2. SYNTAX
Spelling, grammar, and punctuation are all correct. I see no forced or odd words or phrases.

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3. SCANSION & METER
There is no scansion or meter as this is a Free Verse poem and they are not required.
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4. RHYME SCHEME
This is a Free Verse poem written in four quatrains of rhyming couplets, with the exception or the following lines:
"I saw neither sign nor clue
On which way I would go."


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5. The only suggestion I have is that you change the following line:
"And took it with a sigh"
to And I took it with a sigh. to make it read more smoothly.

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6. IMAGERY
You use some nice imagery in this poem. Good job.

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7. My favorite part of the poem is:
"Yet this curse I've ever made
Trenchant rocks in ages laid
Spiny vines and thorny weeds
Left painful torment on my feet."
This is some beautiful imagery. I also like the way you use the envelope effect tying the last stanza to the first stanza, Good job.

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Overall this is a very nice Free Verse poem. Remember, these are simply my observations and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Write on!


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55
55
Review of Alone In The Dark  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Mage Gervic.

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1. TITLE
The title fits the poem nicely, and it draws the reader to your poem.Good Job

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2 SYNTAX
Spelling,grammar, and punctuation are all correct for the most part. I see no odd or forced words or phrases. I have a couple of suggestions though. The following line: {center"The dark seems gripping the beam" would be better written as The dark seems to grip, or, to be gripping or, darkness seems to grip. I also wonder if beam would be better written as gleam. In the following line: {center"As the wind swallowed the flame.
" swallowed should be swallows. In the following line:
The dark frightened me so,"
frightened should be frightens. This will keep the verb in the same tense for the whole poem.

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3. SCANSION & METER
Their is no scansion or meter as this is a Free Verse poem. The poem does read smoothly.

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4 RHYME SCHEME
There is no set rhyme scheme for this Free Verse poem.

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5.{'b] IMAGERY
There are hints of imagery in this short poem.

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I love this short poem. It shows exactly what happens when someone is afraid of the dark. Remember, these are simply my observations and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Write on!


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56
56
Review of Longing For You  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Mage Gervic.

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1. TITLE
The title definitely fits the poem as you speak of how much you yearn for your lover's return.

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2. SYNTAX
Spelling, grammar, and punctuation are all correct. I see no forced words or phrases.

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3. SCANSION & METER
This is considered a Free Verse poem since it is no set syllable count , and no meter. in the first quatrain you have a syllable count of 9,11,9,8. This poem would better be written with 10 syllables per line. I'll show you with the first quatrain. Yours:

"Every second that turns to minute ,
I remember those times we said, "We'll not quit"
Those days we said, "We won't be apart."
And sworn, "'Till death do as part."

Mine:

"Every second that turns to a minute
I remember we said that we'll not quit.
Those days we said that we won't be apart,
swore to each other 'til death do us part.
With a set syllable count the poem will read much smoother.

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4. RHYME & RYTHM
You have written this is 4 quatrains made up of two rhyming couplets. The rhymes are natural and unforced. The poem flows fairly smoothly considering there is no set meter, but some of the longer sentences seem wordy.

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5 IMAGERY
There is no imagery in this poem as it is based in emotion. The emotion shown is sufficient to carry the poem. Good job.

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6 My favorite part of this poem is: I couldn't pick a favorite part as this one is so poignant that it leaves the reader feeling sad for you.

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Overall, this is a nice Free Verse poem. With some tightening up this can be a beautiful poem. Remember, these are simply my opinions and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Write on!


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57
57
Review of Come To Me  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Mage Gervic.

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1. TITLE
The title fits the poem as you ask the person of your affections to come to you in the body of the poem.

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2. SYNTAX
Spelling, punctuation, and grammar are correct. I see no odd or forced words or phrases in this piece.

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3. SCANSION & METER
As it is, this poem is a rhyming Free Verse poem. You began the poem with 7 syllables per line and then broke away from that count. When you begin a poem with a set syllable count you should finish it in that syllable count. Since this is a Free Verse poem, no meter is necessary. As it is written, some parts of the poem read smoothly, others seem wordy. I would suggest using a set syllable count and meter for this poem.

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4 RHYME SCHEME
For the most part you have written this in 4 quatrains of rhyming couplets. In keeping with the rhyme scheme, I would suggest changing the first two lines of the poem, and the last two lines of the poem to rhyming lines.

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5. IMAGERY
There is no imagery in this poem as it is based solely in emotion. This is a very poignant poem. The emotion works for this piece.

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6 My favorite part of the poem is:
"I'll never surrender nor walk away,
With this tremendous pain, I’d rather stay
And wait to hear you say
That you learned to love me."
This shows how much you love someone, and your persistence to gain their love.


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Overall, this is a good Free Verse poem. Remember, these are simply my opinions and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Write on!


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58
58
Review of Enough Rizal!  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Mage Gervic.

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This is a beautiful Free Verse poem, and a beautiful tribute. Good job!

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1,TITLE
The title of the poem fits perfectly as you speak about your country's hero.

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2. SYNTAX
Spelling, grammar, and punctuation are correct for the most part. I have a couple of suggestions however. In the following line:
"Ourthirsty land"
should be Our thirsty land. In the following line:
"'Twas overflowed by your pail blood"
The word pail should be pale. In the following line:
"You lighted up and scoured"
Lighted might be better rendered as brightened, and scoured is vague in meaning in this sentence. The following line:
"This land we dwell."
should be written as This land in which we dwell. Other than those places I find no odd or forced words or choices. You use enjambment and caesura nicely throughout the poem

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{3.{/b IMAGERY
There is no imagery to speak of in this poem with the exception of "marmoreal body, and pale blood. Since this is an emotional poem, and a tribute that is to be expected.

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4. SCANSION & METER
There is neither scansion nor meter since this is a Free Verse poem,

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5. My favorite part of the poem is:
"Enough Rizal, Enough!
Rest now in serenity
You did your part
You gave us your heart,
Body and soul.
Now is our time!
Enough Rizal
We will take your quest
Just take your deepest rest"
This is the perfect ending for your tribute. Good job.

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Remember, these are simply my observations and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Overall, this is a very nice tribute poem. Good job. Write on!





'


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59
59
Review of Battlefield  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Mage Gervic.

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1. TITLE
The title fits this poem beautifully as you describe a battlefield vividly.

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2. SYNTAX
Spelling, grammar, and punctuation are all correct. I see no odd or forced words or phrases. You use caesura and enjambment nicely throughout the poem. Good job!

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3.SCANSION & METER
This is a beautiful Free Verse poem written in four quatrains of rhyming couplets. Nicely done except for the first couplet of the poem. There is no scansion or meter as free verse does not require it. I found it interesting that you began with a syllable count of 6 per line, and then went off of that count. I wonder if that was on purpose, or did the wording necessitate it. Just a thought.

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4. IMAGERY
You have used beautiful imagery throughout this poem. You have actually painted a picture of a battlefield for the reader to see. Good job.

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5. My favorite part of the poem is:
"Verdant plains, mountains of yore
Clotted red strewn on the floor.
Innocent, brave, heroic blood spilled
Overflowed in that battlefield."
This is exactly what war looks like, and this is the perfect way to end this poem.

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6. The only thing I would suggest is that you work this poem with your original thought and write it in a set syllable count, and set meter. I believe that would add to the beauty of your words.

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Remember, these are simply my opinions and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Overall, this is a beautiful poem. Write on!


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60
60
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Mage Gervic.

' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review was purchased for you by an anonymous member.'

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1. TITLE
The title of the poem absolutely fits this piece as you speak of roses in the body of the poem.

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2. SYNTAX
Spelling, grammar, and punctuation are all correct. I see no forced or odd phrases with the exception of the words "pleasure ground," in line 1. That phrase is kind of vague and hard to understand. Other than that everything looks good.

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3 SCANSION & METER
There is no scansion or meter even though you do have some rhyming lines in the poem. This is a Free Verse poem so no meter is expected.

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4. IMAGERY
You use some beautiful imagery throughout the poem. Free Verse poetry requires imagery and you have used it nicely in this poem.

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5 My favorite part of the poem is:
"Its sweet-scented petals
Seducing butterflies to smell,
Their blossoms that widely open
Casting fragrance to the wind,
Their fresh green leaflets
Catching those pearly dews
In the fresh cold dawn."
This paints an absolutely beautiful picture to end the poem. Good job!

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Remember, these are simply my observations and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Overall, very good poem. Write on!


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61
61
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Bikerider.

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1. TITLE
The title of this poem definitely fits the poem as you speak of being caught in the rain.

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2. SYNTAX
Spelling, grammar, and punctuation are all correct. Punctuation adds to the poem rather than distracting from it. There are no odd or forced words or phrases in the poem

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3.SCANSION AND METER
This poem is written in 8 syllable lines, in iambic meter. The poem reads very smoothly. You use caesura and enjambment nicely in the poem. I do have one suggestion though. In the following line: Center"The sun came out, then in, a game" remove the comma from behind "in," That comma is not needed.

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4.IMAGERY
While there is a bit of imagery, there could be more. Poetry is a show don't tell art.

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5 My favorite part of the poem:
"The rain came down, it fell on me,
Funny I thought, it brought such glee.
A time like this, I’d never known
Soaked to the bone, soaked to the bone.

I laughed so hard I nearly fell,
I looked around, no one could tell
It filled my mind, laughing insane
Caught in the rain, caught in the rain."
I could literally see myself in this situation doing the exact same thing.

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Remember, these are simply my opinions and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Overall, this is a very good poem. Write on!


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62
62
Review of Dream  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Bikerider.

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1. TITLE
The title fits the poem nicely as you speak of a dream about your lives.

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2. SYNTAX
Spelling, grammar, and punctuation are all correct with no odd or forced words or phrases in the poem. You use caesura and enjambment nicely throughout the poem.

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3. METER
For the most part the meter is correct, and the poem reads smoothly. The poem is written in a pattern of 8,6,8,6, syllables with the exception of the following line:
"you loved me, and I loved you."
I would suggest moving the word "and" from that line. The repetitive use of the word "and" to begin lines in the poem is a little redundant. Given the subject matter, I'm not sure how to change it.

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4. IMAGERY
There is no imagery to speak of in this poem, however; given that this is an emotional poem that is acceptable.

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My favorite part of the poem is:
"And as we reach the end of dreams

we'll face the setting sun.

We shared a life of love it seems,

a love that made us one."
This is the perfect ending for this poem. This shows a picture of perfect love between two people in their twilight years.

*PenB* *PenG* *PenO* *PenR* *PenV* *PenB*


Overall, this is a very nice poem. Good job. Keep on writing!


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Review of Hearts  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi KerrieAnnS.

' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review was purchased for you by an anonymous member.'

Tyburn Poem consisting of 6 lines.
the syllable count is 2-2-2-2-9-9
the rhyme scheme is a-a-a-a-b-b

*PenB* *PenG* *PenO* *PenR* *PenB*


1. The title fits the poem, and gets the readers attention. Good job.

*PenB* *PenG* *PenO* *PenR* *PenB*


2. You follow the form beautifully. Good job.

*PenB* *PenG* *PenO* *PenR* *PenB*


3. Syntax is intact as spelling, punctuation, and grammar are are all correct. There are no odd word choices or phrases.

*PenB* *PenG* *PenO* *PenR* *PenB*


4. There is no imagery but in a short form poem based on emotion, that is totally all right.

*PenB* *PenG* *PenO* *PenR* *PenB*


5. The last two lines seem sort of choppy at the comma, but that is due to the form. Good job.

*PenB* *PenG* *PenO* *PenR* *PenB*


6. The rhymes are natural and fresh lending themselves nicely to this short form poetry. Good job.

*PenB* *PenG* *PenO* *PenR* *PenB*


This poem is perfect the way it is. I wouldn't change a thing. Remember, these are simply my observations and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Write on!


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64
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi KerrieAnnS.

' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review was purchased for you by an anonymous member.'

1. The title fits the poem as the title is used as the first line of the poem. Because it is the title, it steals the thunder from that first line in that first line of the poem.

*PenB* *PenG* *PenO* *PenR* *PenB*


{b2.} This is a nice, rhyming Free Verse poem. Good work.

*PenB* *PenG* *PenO* *PenR* *PenB*


3. The rhymes are natural and unforced, and add to the poem rather than distract from it in anyway. Good job.

*PenB* *PenG* *PenO* *PenR* *PenB*


4. This is considered a Free Verse poem because it has no set meter, or syllable count.

*PenB* *PenG* *PenO* *PenR* *PenB*


5. I found no problems with syntax as spelling, punctuation, and grammar are all nicely done. There are no forced or odd sentences, or words in this poem.

*PenB* *PenG* *PenO* *PenR* *PenB*


6. This poem does read smoothly, that is due to the use of correct punctuation throughout the poem. Good job.

*PenB* *PenG* *PenO* *PenB*


7. This is a very emotional and poignant poem about a person feeling the pangs of depression. You have done a very nice job of letting the reader see into someone with this mindset while battling depression. Good job.

*PenB* *PenG* *PenO* *PenB*


8 My favorite part of this poem:
"Even if I knew, I couldn’t leave,

I’m stuck here shrouded in black.

The road is dark and I have no light

I can’t go forward, I can’t go back."
This in my opinion shows the discord that goes on in the mind of a depressed individual. Good job!

*PenB* *PenG* *PenO* *PenR* *PenB*


Over all, this is a good poem, I don't think I would change this one at all. Remember, these are simply my opinions and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Write on!

I would like to suggest that you read "Darkened Life" 








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65
65
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi KerrieAnn.

' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review was purchased for you by an anonymous member.'

1. The title of this poem definitely fits the piece. I know because you described my dog for the most part.

2. Syntax for the most part is correct.as spelling, punctuation, and grammar are nicely done. I also found no odd words or phrases. I did find one typo in the following line:
"You tell me your stories, you highs your lows."
It should be "your highs your lows.

3. The first stanza leads into the poem naturally. In my opinion it's the perfect beginning to your poem. Each following stanza builds on the thoughts of the dog. Good job.

4. The following line has only nine syllables:
"When we walk in the park I tire quick,"
Maybe something as simple as making it "real quick.

5. I did have a problem with the meter in places. Some places you begin a line in trochee, sometimes you begin a line in iambic. This throws the smoothness of the poem off in places. The poem could be made much smoother if you begin in a set meter, and use that meter throughout the poem.

6. The rhymes were all natural and unforced.

7. The stand alone couplet at the end of the poem is the perfect way to end this poem.

With some tightening, this will be a real good poem. Remember, these are simply my opinions and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Keep on writing!


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66
66
Review of Silent Witness  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Humming Bird-sick.

' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review was purchased for you by an anonymous member.'

1. The title of this piece fits beautifully. If our mirrors could only talk. What would they say to us?

2. Syntax, beautifully done. I see no problems with punctuation, spelling, or sentence structure. There are no odd, or forced words, or phrases that I see. Good job.

3. You use enough item specific imagery in this piece to show us what you are talking about. Nice writing!

4.This is an absolutely beautiful short story. I wouldn't change a thing in this one.

5. My favorite part of the story is:
"As she put a new coat of glass cleaner on me, an invisible tear dropped from my eyes. Dear friend, I’ve been watching you for the past seventeen years. I don’t know how much I could do to make you happy. I wish some day you’ll be able to see a new dawn.
Till then,
YOUR MIRROR."
This is the perfect ending to this short story. Good job.

Practically perfect. Remember, these are simply my opinions, and no suggestions. Keep on writing!!


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67
Review of Two Poems  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Humming Bird-sick.

' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review was purchased for you by an anonymous member.'

This is a beautiful, rhyming, Free Verse poem. The title fits nicely as you have two separate poems in one.

1, The first poem serves well as the persons philosophy behind being a clown to begin with. I have two suggestions for the first poem. The following lines:
"Fly like the joyous dove
Reach for the stars above.
These two lines don't quite flow as smoothly as the rest of this segment. I would suggest something like
"Fly just like the joyous dove,
While reaching for the stars above.


2. It is a Free Verse poem because it has no set syllable count. It has no imagery as it is a poem based on fact...and emotion. Good job!

3. This is written with 6 couplets with the second, fourth, and sixth couplets rhyming with the couplet before it. Because of the rhyme scheme, this may be better written as four stanzas of four lines each. Just a thought...and a suggestion.

4. With the exception of the fifth and sixth couplets, this is written in perfect rhyme. The rhyme in stanzas 5 and 6 are partial rhymes which is alright as poetry goes.

5. Spelling, punctuation, and sentence structure are nicely done. I see no forced, or odd word choices, or phrases in this poem. Rather than use an odd, or forced rhyme in the sixth stanza, you chose to use a partial rhyme. That was the best decision you could have made in that situation. Good job.

6. My favorite part of this poem is:
"I'm a clown
Making others laugh is my heart's desire."
That is exactly what should be in every clown's heart, love...true love for the kids he/she is there to cheer up.

7. The only suggestions I have is that you either use a comma{,}, a dash{-}, or three dots{...} after the word clown in each couplet. There is a natural pause there, and punctuation would suit the poem well in that spot. This is absolutely beautiful. The only thing that could make it better is if you chose to go with a set syllable count per line. That would make this a nice poem.

Remember, these are simply my observations and suggestions. Use them or lose them as you see fit. Overall, this is a nice poem. Good job. Keep on writing!


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68
68
Rated: E | (3.5)
Snow, I love it because this sounds like me.

1. The title fits the poem totally.

2.
"I have so many pills to take
That I must make
A schedule
A ritual."
In this stanza you have one mistake. "A schedule" has three syllables rather than four. Maybe something like "A true schedule."

3 In the second and third stanzas you get off of iambic meter somehow. You may need to rework those two stanzas.

4. Other than the aforementioned items, you followed the form correctly.Grammar, spelling, and punctuation are in tact throughout the poem. Good job.

5. There is no imagery but in this type of poem that is quite alright. Good job.

6. My favorite part of this poem was:
"Check the supply and order more
My health assure
At sixty-five
I am alive."
This just sounds like my routine at 58. Good job relaying this message. With a little work this will be great.

Remember, these are simply my opinions and suggestions. Use them or lose them as you see fit. Overall, this is a nice poem, with some tightening it will be great. Keep on writing!

Just for fun check out "Ageing" 


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69
69
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi blue, Nice Title

1. The title definitely fits the poem as you talk about a butterfly's life throughout the poem.

2.
"My wings flapping in the air
Taking me to a field full of flowers
Call the butterfly's heaven"
This is a good lead into the poem. That said, there needs to be a change made in my opinion. instead of Taking in the second line...make it take to make it proper continuation of the first line. In the third line, change Call...to called, also to make it a proper continuation from the second line. That would read
"My wings flapping in the air
Take me to a field full of flowers
Called the butterfly's heaven.
See if that doesn't read a little smoother and make better sense.

3.{/b] In the second stanza, I would consider changing
"Jumping and jumping,"
to something like
"Jumping -- rising,"
and beginning line three of stanza two with "with."

4. In the third stanza:
"My legs rest on a soft, yellow flower
Allowing my body to relax,
After a long, tiring journey"
I would consider removing the comma between soft and yellow, and place it after yellow. I would also consider removing the comma at the end of line two, and placing a period at the end of line three.

5. In the third stanza:
"And, like a natural creation,
A pair of proboscis on my head uncoil,
Sipping the sweet, energizing liquid
The proboscis "IS" a natural creation. You may consider changing the first line to something like "And then a curious creation," That would make that stanza correct in my opinion.

6. In the next stanza, the line: "I realize a thing" you might consider changing (a) to "one."

7. In the final stanza:
"A butterfly life is free
Flying without obstacles
But it always... alone"
You might consider placing a comma after free. The last line sounds a little forced. You may consider something like "Unobstructed solitude." Unobstructed would reinforce "without obstacles," and solitude is a stronger word for alone.

8. My favorite part of the poem is:
"Before I leave this heaven
I realize a thing
Which I will never forget

I flap my wings
Ready to explore this world
Just by myself

A butterfly life is free
Flying without obstacles
But it always... alone
Other than when they mate, this sounds like a butterfly's life. Good job.

Remember, these are simply my observations and suggestions. Use them or lose them as you see fit. Overall, this is a nice poem, it just needs a little tightening in my opinion. Keep on Writing.


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Review of A Note to My Muse  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Snow, I absolutely love this. I have done everything but write a poem to my muse, maybe that would help.

1. Title is perfect.

2. You followed the form perfectly as well.

3. Spelling, grammar, and punctuation are in tact, all adding to the allure of the poem.

4. Your rhymes are natural and unforced. Nicely done.

My favorite part of this...is the whole thing. Good job. Remember, these are simply my observations, no suggestions for this since it is practically perfect. Keep om writing!


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71
71
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Tom, I am giving this one a review.

1. The title fits the poem nicely.

2. In the first two lines:
"The scent of potpourri;
The scent of maple."
The use of scent twice so quickly is redundant. I would suggest something like:
"The scent of potpourri and maple
fill the musty autumn air."


3. In the third line you have "scents of the fall" I don't think you need the (the) before fall. I also think you could do without the semi colon after staple.

4. Grammar, spelling, and punctuation seem in tact through the rest of the poem.

5. The only other suggestion I would make is that you use more imagery. Instead of the dead grassed hills...the brown grassed hills. Instead of banner, the crimson and orange draped on the trees. Show us what you want us to see. Poetry is show ...don't tell.

6. My favorite part of the poem is:
"The colors of Autumn's banners on trees;
Makes a picturesqe beautiful painting.
They flail to the ground in a crisp breeze;
The evidence of its season reigning."
Even with the imagery missing this is a good ending.

Over all, this is a good poem, it just needs a little tightening up. Keep on writing!


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72
72
Rated: E | (5.0)
Donna, this brought tears to my eyes. I don't usually review stories but here goes.

1. The title definitely fits the story because it is in the story, and it is the end of the story.

2. The first three paragraphs are absolutely perfect as the allure your reader into the rest of the story. Very good intro.

3.} In the paragraph where the are coming, I would suggest changing "whispered" in: "a whispered, “C’mon, Dad, hurry up!” Maybe to a harried, or raspy since he had been rushing to get to you. I have never heard an excited kid running to mom's hospital door whisper to someone come on. They usually holler and the nurses usually overlook the incident.

{b{4. Grammar, punctuation, and spelling nall seem to be in tact, nothing to distract from the story.

5, Although there are other sections that people would argue were better, my favorite section is:
"“Mommy!” Jeff ran over and threw his arms around my shoulders and laid his head on my chest.

This was truly not only the highlight of my day, but of my entire week! Every day during the week, I worked hard at my therapy trying to get back what I had lost.

This visit, and others like it, is what made the rest of the week worth getting through.
This is absolutely heart warming.

Ending the poem the way you did acted as a bookend from start to finish . Very nicely done.There is nothing to criticize in this one in my opinion,

Remember, these are simply my observations and suggestions. use them or lose them as you see fit. Overall, very nicely written.


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73
73
Review of Rainbows  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Tim. I am reviewing this because it's about "Rainbows."

1, The title definitely fits the poem, and it grabs the readers attention because...Who doesn't love rainbows?

2. You have Free Verse poem here that is packed with...well, everything.

3. Grammar, spelling, and punctuation are well done, the use of the ...at the end of the poem invite the reader to continue with their own thoughts. Nicely done, but very sly.

4. Free Verse poetry relies heavily on imagery. You have some very nice imagery in this short poem.

5. My favorite part of the poem is:
"Enchanted hues and precise arches
Painting a glorious picture in the sky."
 Absolutely beautiful picture.

I find only one problem with the poem. It leaves you wanting more. This is a keeper. Keep on writing!


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Review of Along the Shore  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Richard. I love the sentiment in this poem.

1. The title of the poem fits nicely and draws the reader's attention to the poem.

2. You have 9 stanzas of rhyming poetry with the rhyme scheme being aaaa, bbbb, and so on. It's not easy rhyming 4 lines of poetry in a stanza through the whole poem without having some feel forced, and some seem redundant. You did well for the most part.

3 The rhymes in stanza 1, and stanza 6 are the same so they seem redundant in this poem. Had you used them in the last stanza for an envelope effect they would have been great.

4. In stanza 7 the rhyme seems forced, specifically because of the following line: "I wish you were near, I wish, and wish, and such-and-such."

5. Grammar and punctuation seem to be in order so that they add to the poems appeal.

6. Poetry is a show...don't tell art form. In this poem you have told us a lot, but have only shown us small glimpses of what you are telling us about. Imagery is used only sparsely in this poem. Darkness, bright, "The sun hung low, shadows cast" and deep fathoms are the only imagery to speak of. Use more imagery to show your reader a picture. Let them see what you are talking about. For instance: "I walked the dampened, sandy shore."

7. This would be considered a rhyming Free Verse poem since you have no set syllable count per line. A set syllable count per line would make this read much smoother. For instance, the following lines:
"More beautiful than the stars more beautiful than belief,"

"Never taken my eyes from you, never let you close that door,"

"I wish you were near, I wish, and wish, and such-and-such."
all seem wordy and awkward. Other lines have excessive syllables also, but these were the best examples.

8. Some lines seem forced, and are vague in meaning such as:
"Into this world, for you are me,"

"The same we be, for I am you and you are me."

"Breathing for sake, inhaling for show,"
These are vague in meaning at best. It would be better to shorten the poem than to force sentences that the reader doesn't understand.

My favorite part of the poem:
"The sun hung low, long shadows cast,
I thought this day would always last,
If I knew this day would fall into past,
I'd have never wished it away so fast."
This stanza seems the least forced even though the third line needs some work..

This poem needs some tightening up in my opinion. Remember though, these are simply my observations and suggestions. Use them or lose them as you see fit. Keep on writing.


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75
75
Rated: E | (5.0)
Bob, I love this poem so a review is forthcoming.

1. The title of the poem fits perfectly as you do indeed ponder past to present treasures.

2. You have b5 stanzas of 4 lines using rhyming couplets. Very nice job on this as the rhymes are natural, and unforced.

3. Although you have varying syllable counts throughout the poem, this poem is easy to read, very smooth.

4. Your use of imagery in this poem is spot on. Since I taught poetry a while back here on the sight, I've seen a lot of poems. This is one that beats them all. As you read this poem you get lost in the pictures you create. Great job.

5. Grammar and punctuation are well done in this poem as well.

My favorite part of the poem is:
"In the pale shadow of my own twilight years
I regret the time wasted on unfounded fears.
I look forward to mornings, the coming new day,
and good friends who greet me, when I pass their way."
What better way to end this poem. We all look back and regret time wasted I believe, but having good friends in our latter years speaks volumes.

This poem in my opinion is practically perfect, I wouldn't change a thing.



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