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26
26
Review of The Well  
In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello TJ,

I am reviewing your story as part of my I Write week 9 entry.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


1. Title
The title fits the story as you speak of the well in the story.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


2. Syntax
Punctuation is good, grammar and spelling needs some work.
I did find a typo in the following sentence:
" Looking around franticly for an answer, I can feel my chest pounding so hard in my chest my ears are ringing."
The word frantically is missing the second (a). There is a grammar problem there also as you have
"chest pounding so hard in my chest"
This should read heart pounding so hard in my chest. Then in the following sentence:
" I feel my pounding heart faster and faster,"
This should read I feel my heart pounding faster and faster. In paragraph 4, there is an error in the following sentence:
" Looking around my surrounds"
this should simply be Looking around. The following can be made into one sentence, as they are - they are incorrect:
" Cowering to the ground and covering my eyes. Curiosity gets the better of me; "
I cower to the ground and cover my eyes, but curiosity gets the best of me so I peek. The rest of that line is just clutter. The following section in paragraph 5 can be cut down by omitting unnecessary words:
" Being led by the crying sound, it gets louder and louder. Approaching, the back of what looks like the build of a man and I can hear him say over and over, "I didn't mean to kill her...I didn't mean to kill her...I didn't mean..."
It can be said more simply as: As I follow the sound I see what appears to be a man.I hear him say over and over - "I didn't mean to kill her...I didn't mean... On down in paragraph 19 you have:
" I will need you to choose through free will choice if you will accept my help?"
the word choice needs to be removed. In paragraph 21 you have a typo:
"Good. What are you beliefs in what happens"
you should be your. Diction and dialect seem to be correct.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


3. Plot and Hook
The plot is straight forward and easy to understand, A jerk beats his wife to death. No matter what she did, it wasn't good enough for him. The hook, she has some after life decisions to make. Her choices after her death will determine where she spends her after life.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


4. Ending
This story ending is probably what would happen to any woman who has been beat to death, if indeed that is the way we determine what our after life will be. Thank God that is not the way things work.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


Overall, this is decent, but it could be terrific. The mistakes really distract from what this story could be. It has a good beginning, middle, and end, because of the errors it doesn't have congruity. Clean this one up a bit and you will have a nice story on your hands. Remember, these are simply my opinions and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Whatever you do, keep on writing!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
27
27
Review of The Unexpected  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello OOT,

' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review was bought by eyestar~* from "Invalid Item"  for you

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


1.{c:navy Title
The title absolutely fits this short story. "The "Unexpected" really is in there.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


2. Syntax
Spelling, punctuation, and grammar are correct. I found no odd or forced phrases or sentences. Diction seems correct, and conversation is easy to follow.


3.Plot and Hook
The pot starts slow, and remains slow, this is due to the type of story it is. The story is an easy read, and the story line is easy to follow. The hook...shut up and kiss me pretty much says it all.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


4. Excerpt:
"Are you kidding? You know we've got this! We'll blow them out of the sudsy water."
{ Was the water ever sudsy to begin with?

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


Overall, this is a very nicely written short story. Remember, these are simply my observations and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Whatever you do...keep on writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
28
28
Review of Amanda  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi OOT.

' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review was bought by eyestar~* from "Invalid Item"  for you.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


1.
The title fits the story very well as Amanda is the centerpiece of the story.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


2. Syntax
Spelling, punctuation, and grammar ar correct in this short-short...short story. There are no odd or forced phrases or sentences in the story. You completed the story in 100 words per contest rules I'm sure.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


3. Plot and Hook
The plot is fantastically speedy as it has to be. The hook is the ending of the story. This works to give you a good 100 word horror story.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


Overall, this is a great 100 word horror story. Remember, these are simply my observations and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Whatever you do...keep on writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
29
29
Review of A Mother's Wisdom  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello OOT.

' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review was bought by eyestar~* from "Invalid Item"  for you.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


1. Title
The title fits this story perfectly. The first thing it does is grabs the readers attention and says "READ ME." all while telling the reader what the story is about. Good job!

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


2. Syntax
Spelling , punctuation, and grammar are correct. Speech implements are used correctly, and conversations are easy to follow. There are no odd or forced phrases or sentences, and the dialect seems natural for this story.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


3. Plot and Hook
The plot of this story is on it from the word go. The plot moves at a good pace for this story. the hook comes late in the story which is a necessity for dramatic purposes. Good job!

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


4 Excerpt
"Bobby jumped up from the bench. "Don't flip out, man! I was only kidding. I figured you'd get a kick out of it."
I love this line, just for the simple fact it works, and it will make people want to know what is going on.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


Overall, this is a very nice short short story. Remember, these are simply my observations and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Whatever you do...keep on writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
30
30
Review of Reality  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello OOT,

' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review was bought by eyestar~* from "Invalid Item"  for you.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


1. Title
I would have to say the title fits the story well. With this one \word title you have really pulled one off. You have actually got two separate realities going on in this story, let's call it a reality - within a reality. Good job!

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


2. Syntax
Spelling, punctuation, and grammar are correct. I found no odd or forced phrases or sentences in this short story. Good work, I found a place where I fee punctuation could be used to allow the line to be read more meaningfully. In the following line:
"I don't remember taking the gun from my holster or pulling the trigger."
which is correct as it's written, I feel it would have a much greater dramatic effect if it were written as: I don't remember taking the gun from my holster...or pulling the trigger. There is one word that needs to be changed. In the following line:
" My pulse quickened as I thought of my mounding debts: student loans, credit cards and past due bills."
the word mounding should be mounting.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


3. Plot and Hook
The plot begins quickly and moves quickly as well it has to in this short short. The plot is easy to follow and the conversation is easy to follow. The hook comes in at the back end of this story, it's a fantastic hook. Not going to give it way everyone, you will just have to read the story.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


4.
"He opened the safe to reveal thousands of hundred dollar bills."
Everything hinges on this line. Good job OOT!

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


Overall, this is a very nice short story, just a couple of places that need tightening and you have a winner.Remember, these are simply my observations and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Whatever you do...keep on writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
31
31
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello OOT.

' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review was bought by eyestar~* from "Invalid Item"  for you.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


1 Title
After reading the story twice, I still don't know if this is the best title for this story. Maybe the airline was United? But the title does work for this piece

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


2. Syntax
Spelling, punctuation, and grammar are correct. I found no odd or forced phrases or sentences in this piece. Conversation is smooth and it is easy to know who is talking at all times.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


3. Plot and Hook
The plot for this story gets started quickly as the characters are in close quarters from the beginning of the story. The characters are flying the friendly skies after all. The plot progresses at a good pace which allows the reader to be in the middle of the action from start to finish. The hook coming later in the story is only natural considering the stories ending.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


4. The Big Finale
No big band fan fare to end this story. Such destruction to end a story with, specially since construction was at the heart of the story. I leave it for the reader to figure that one out.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


Over all, this is a very well written short story. I can't think of a thing that needs changing in this story. Remember, these are simply my observations and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Whetever you do...Keep on Writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
32
32
Review of Snow  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello OOT,

' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review was bought by eyestar~* from "Invalid Item"  for you.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*

1. Title
The title fits the poem as you speak of snow in the body of the poem.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*

2. Syntax
Spelling and grammar are correct. Punctuation is good where you chose to use it. With poetic license you can omit punctuation if you so desire, however; if you use punctuation in places, I think it is necessary to use it thtroughout the poem. I found no odd or forced phrases or sentences in the poem. Good job.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*

3. Form and Mechanics
This is a Diatelle. It is considered short form poetry, it has a set syllable count, and a set rhyme scheme. The syllable count per line is: 1,2,3,4,6,8,10,12,10,8,6,4,3,2,1. The rhyme scheme is: a,b,b,c,b,c,c,a,c,c,b,c,b,b,a. You have followed the form perfectly, both in rhyme scheme and in syllable count. Good job! The placement on the page is correct.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*

4. Poetic Content
This poem covers snow from 1 form to the next as we see flurries, then a blanket of white, then the melt down. The author uses some nice imagery in the poem also.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*

Overall, this is a very nice Diatelle poem. It was well thought out, and then well written. Good job. Remember, these are simply my opinions and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Whatever you do...Keep on writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
33
33
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Beck,

' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review is part of the gift basket Gaby ~ Keeper Of The Realm bought for you from "Invalid Item" .'

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*

1. The title fits this piece beautifully as it is about the big one we all are either waiting for, or dreading...pending where you live of course.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*

2. Syntax
Spelling, punctuation, and grammar are all correct. I found no odd or forced phrases or sentences. I did however find a typo in the first question of the second paragraph. You have:
"“Haven’t seen a storm like this is years, have we, Mr. Jenkins?"
This should read...Haven't seen a storm like this (in) years...

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*

3. Plot and Hook
The plot of this piece begins slowly, but then picks up pace at a good rate for this story. When the plot reaches its apex, well; that's the hook.I would love to blurt it out right here, but don't want to ruin it for possible future readers.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*

4. Content
What family story doesn't need a dear old lady as its main character, and then there's the cat. You have got some beautiful imagery in this one Beck. Sitting by the fire place sounds good tonight, but I will leave it to Mr. Jenkins.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*

Overall, this is a very nice Flash Fiction piece. Other than the typo, I didn't see anything that needed changed. Remember, these are simply my opinions and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Whatever you do...Keep on writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
34
34
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Kyle.

' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review is one bought with the gift certificate from Angels in my Ear .'

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


1. Title and Intro
The title fits this poem nicely, however; the title also steals the thunder of your opening line. I suggest renaming this one to A Kingdom for a Mouse. That would let your opening line:
"A kingdom through the hedgerow"
shine like it should. It's a catchy line that grabs the reader and says read more.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


2. Syntax
Spelling and grammar are correct. There was one line that seemed a little awkward. The line: "and dreamed about the bounty there," should read: he dreamed about the bounty there." Punctuation does need work. You use punctuation in places, and in the rest of the poem you omit punctuation. If you use it in places, you should use it through the entire poem. In the next to last stanza, you don't need the comma in the first sentence.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


3. Form and Mechanics
This is considered a rhyming Free Verse poem since it has no set meter. The poem reads smoothly even though the meter varies.The line breaks seem right for the poem. I would suggest that you make 1 sentence out of the two short sentences at the beginning of a stanza such as: "A million miles, a million miles-" this would allow you to make two lines out of the longest one such as
"to tiny-footed rodents,
such an open space was deemed."
and each stanza would be a quatrain. The poem would look much neater that way. I think it would also appear neater if it were aligned in the center of the page.
and so on.
*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


4. Rhyme and Imagery
You use a rhyme scheme of a, b, c,b - d, e, f, e. The rhymes arre true, and you have kept them fresh. Good job. You use some very good imagery in this poem. You show the reader what you want them to see. Good job.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


5 My favorite part of the poem is:
"A kingdom through the hedgerow
young varmint's eyes still see,
and dream about the bounty there,
the possibilities..."
This is the perfect way to begin...and end this poem, which you have done effectively. Good job.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


Overall, this is a very nice poem. Just a little tightening and this one is ready to go. Remember, these are simply my opinions and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Whatever you do, keep on writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
35
35
Review of Fence  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Mage Gervic.

' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review was purchased for you by an anonymous member.'

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


1. Title
The title fits the poem nicely as this is indeed about a fence.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


2. Form and Mechanics
This is a Short Form poem, namely a Haiku. The Haiku is written with 17 syllables arranged in three lines with a syllable count of 5, 7, 5, and is usually about some aspect of nature. This poem is written about nature. The poem has 18 syllables with 6 syllables in the last line. You may consider changing it to something like: when savages came.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


Overall, this is a very nice Haiku. The syllable count problem is minor and easily corrected. Remember, these are simply my opinions and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Whatever you do, keep on writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
36
36
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Mage Gervic.

' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review was purchased for you by an anonymous member.'

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


1.{c:navy Title and Intro} The title of this essay says it all as you speak of taking a gaze at your parents who were lost in sleep. The initial line sets the tone for the essay. Good job. I do think the title steals some of the intro's power though.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


2. Syntax,
Spelling is correct. Punctuation is correct for the most part, and grammar needs some work here and their, mostly with past or present tense verbs.
Paragraph 1, Sentence 1: I would suggest removing the comma (,) from behind day, and placing a period behind bed, That would allow you to remove the word as; and begin the next sentence with They were. The word napped in that sentence should be nap
In the following sentence:
"They were very much pitiful at all."
The word much is not needed, and the ending is awkward. I would suggest changing "at all" to at that time.
In the line ending with " heat that beats his body." I would suggest making that beat down on his body, beats should be beat.
The next two sentences should end with commas (,) rather than periods as you begin the next lines with joining words.
The line beginning with: "But, in spite of this," This line needs to begin with the word In.
In the last sentence of that paragraph, you should omit the comma (,) after the word time. I assume the word baon is used for lunch money.
Paragraph 2, Sentence 1: The phrase "if there's any" should read if there were any.
Next to last sentence, the phrase "children doing quarrels" should read having quarrels. I would suggest ending that paragraph with an exclamation point.
Paragraph 3, line 1: In the phrase "smile benevolent smile" you need to omit the first smile.
In the phrase "They pretend" pretend should be pretended, and since you use "unaware" in the sentence you should remove "not aware -. "
In the last sentence, the phrase " I came up to think" should be I grew up thinking, and felt should be feel.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


3. Mechanics. The line breaks seem right for the essay as each paragraph covers a single aspect of your family life while you were growing up. There are enough specific images included in the essay.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


4 Excerpt
"She did this for us, for the sake of us. But guess what, when she arrives home she witnessed her children doing quarrels over worthless things. How pitiful."
I remember my mom having to work to help dad make ends meet when I was growing up. Many times she came home to the same scenario as you, her kids arguing.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


Overall, this is a nice, informative essay. The problems that I pointed out are all minor. You can turn this into perfect picture of your life while you were growing up with just a little tightening. Remember, these are simply my opinions and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Whatever you do, keep on writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
37
37
Review of Satan Triumphs  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello Mage Gervic.

' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review was purchased for you by an anonymous member.'

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


1. Title and Intro
The title fits the poem nicely. The first line of the poem is a good, strong opening for this one. Good job.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


2. Syntax
Spelling and punctuation are correct. The grammar needs work in a few places, mostly a word needing changed here and there, however; I did find a couple of phrases that sounded odd, or forced.
Stanza 2, line 1 sounds awkward. It should read are scattered. As is it sounds like bones and skulls are running.
Stanza 3, In line 1: shadow or engulf needs to be made plural, either one will work. In line 3, grip should be grips. Line 4 is an awkward line. I would suggest something like: Then come the embers - death is it's...fame or game will work.
Stanza 4, line 3 should begin with Blood rather than Bloods. Line 4 should read of the inhumane rather than unhumane.
Stanza 5, Line 4 should end in prey rather than preys.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


3. Form and Mechanics
This is considered a Free Verse poem since it has no set rhyme scheme or meter. You do use quatrains with rhyming couplets in places, I feel this would be even better if you kept the rhyme scheme throughout the poem. You have some nice imagery in this poem. The Line breaks seem right, and the placement on the page is good. I would suggest removing the title from the body of the poem.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


4. My favorite part of the poem is:
"In a dark chambered asylum
Devils planned their slay
Haunting Caitiffs' unpleasant night
With nightmares - bringing tremendous fright!"
This is the perfect intro to this poem, it makes a strong opening stanza for a dark poem.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


Overall, this is a very nice poem. Just a little tightening and this will make a keeper. Remember, these are simply my opinions and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Whatever you do, keep on writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
38
38
Review of Petals  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Mage Gervic.

' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review was purchased for you by an anonymous member.'

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


1. Title and Intro
The title definitely fits the poem as you speak about flower petals. The first line is a strong intro for this poem.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


2. Syntax
Spelling, and grammar are correct. I have a couple of suggestions on punctuation. I would suggest that you place a comma (,) at the end of line 1, and a period (.) at the end of line 2. Both places are natural line breaks. I would suggest a hyphen (-) at the end of line 3 for the same reason. In the last line< the word dews should read dew.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*



3. Form and Mechanics
This is a short Free Verse poem as it has no set meter or rhyme scheme. The placement on the page seems righ for the short poem.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


Overall, this is a very nice short Free Verse poem. You have some nice imagery in this short poem. Remember, these are simply my opinions and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Whatever you do, keep on writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
39
39
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Mage Gervic.

' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review was purchased for you by an anonymous member.'

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


1. The title fits the poem of course s the poem is about flowers. The title also entices the reader to step into the poem and take a look.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


2. Syntax
Spelling, punctuation, and grammar are correct. I have only two suggestions. I would add the word all to the third line to make the ending become all wet. That is purely to keep the flow of the poem. In the last line you have places, this should be place.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


3. Form and Mechanics
This is a beautiful, short Free Verse poem. I would suggest continuing with the couplet rhyme in the last two lines.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


Overall, this is a beautiful, short Free Verse poem. Good job. Remember, these are simply my opinions and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Whatever you do, keep on writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
40
40
Review of Nature's Symphony  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Mage Gervic.

' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review was purchased for you by an anonymous member.'

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


1. Title and Intro
The title of the poem fits perfectly. I would suggest removing the title from the body of the poem. The introduction to the poem is weak an awkward which kind of loses the readers attention. The first line of the poem is very vague. I would suggest changing it to: The tiny rain drops fall in cascades. This defines what is falling and how, and would be a strong intro to the poem.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


2. Syntax
Spelling and punctuation are correct. The grammar needs work in several places, mainly changing a word here and there. The following line feels awkward and forced with vague meaning:
"As its droppings reach the bottom"
I would suggest something like: The tiny drops reach the ground which would easily allow a rhyme with the next line with tapping sleeping stones all around.
Stanza 2 line 2: you don't need the word in. In line 4: You don't need the word the.
Stanza 4: In line 1 you have stood on, this should be stand on in order to make the grammar correct. In line 2: throw should be give, and you don't need the word in.
Stanza 5: The line with mellow as serenade should read as a serenade.
Stanza 6:In line 2 I would omit the word me for grammar reasons.
Stanza 7: In line 1, flow2 should be flows.
Stanza 8: The first line should read like a blanket. I would suggest changing throwing to mirrors. In line 4, saw should be see.
Stanza 9: Line 2 should read up to the sky.
Stanza 10: In line 3, dews should be dew. In the last line, I would suggest placing a comma (,) behind perfect, and omitting the word and. This may look like a whole lot, but they are all minor problems.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


3. Form and Mechanics
This is a very nice Free Verse poem since it has no set meter or rhyme scheme. You use a rhyme scheme of rhyming couplets for the most part, I believe those places that you don't use the rhyme scheme would be much better if you continued with the rhyme. I believe this poem would be better placed in the center of the page.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


4. Imagery
You use some absolutely beautiful imagery in this poem. I would love to see more like it.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


Overall,this is a nice Free Verse poem. With minor changes, this will be a great one. Remember, these are simply my opinions and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Whatever you do, keep on writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
41
41
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello Mage Gervic.

' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review was purchased for you by an anonymous member.'

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


1. Title and Intro
The title is appropriate for the poem, and the intro line is very strong making the reader want to finish the poem. Good job.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


2. Syntax.
Spelling and punctuation are correct, Grammar is correct for the most part, however; there are a couple of places where a different word is needed or one should be left out. I will point those out as you have asked for the thorough reviews. In the second stanza, throw should be thrill. In the third stanza you should leave out cleavage as it means breast. I would suggest changing the following line:
"Gently collides in my very chest."{,center} to Gently collides with my chest. In the next to last line you have "And plays the heat" which should be And play in the heat.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


3. Form
This is a Free Verse poem written in stand alone rhyming couplets. Each Couplet rhymes with the exception of two couplets. The following couplet you could easily omit which would allow the rhyme scheme to continue:
"As I hold your well-curved waist,
With fingers rest in your feminine hips."
The following couplet is a strong one, but would be stronger if the rhyme scheme continued. I would suggest changing the following line:
"In my very soul, it penetrates. To My soul does refresh. This would keep the rhyme scheme intact, and leaves out unnecessary words.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


Overall, this is a nice rhyming Free Verse poem. It could be much better with some tightening up. Remember, these are simply my observations and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Whatever you do, keep on writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
42
42
Review of Lame  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Mage Gervic.

' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review was purchased for you by an anonymous member.'

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


1. Title
The title fits the poem, but I think it steals the thunder from the poem also.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


2. Syntax
Spelling and punctuation are correct, there are some grammar problems, and a couple of sentences feel odd. The opening line is very vague, I would suggest changing it to: If I were a man who's blind. The following line:
"Those words need to be uttered"
feels chopped off. I would suggest something like: Those words that really need to be uttered. In the last line of the second stanza, remained should be remain. The following line is very odd:
"How pathetic would I am, to be that lame"
I would suggest something like: How pathetic would I be if I were that lame. The last two lines feel forced. I would suggest using: Bearing and suffering in ceaseless cries...and living a life full of misery.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


3. Form and Mechanics
This is a Free Verse poem since it has no set rhyme scheme, and no set meter. It flows fairly smoothly, but would be more smooth with the right changes. The rhymes you do use are fresh, and feel right for the poem. I think this would be better with the rhyme throughout the poem. The line breaks are correct, and the placement of the poem on the page is good for this poem. The imagery you use aids in portraying the poem.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


4. My favorite part of the poem is:
"Awesome things would not be mine.
The beauty of earth, the wideness of the line
Would still be vague in my mind."
This shows exactly how a blind person feels about the things they can't see.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


Overall, this is a nice Free Verse poem that is designed to make it's reader think. The author does that very well. The poem does need tightened up, but this could be a great poem. Remember, these are simply my opinions and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Whatever you do, keep on writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
43
43
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Mage Gervic.

' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review was purchased for you by an anonymous member.'

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


1. Title
The title fits the poem nicely as the poem is about two perspectives of the weather, and how one wishes for them. Good job.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


2. Syntax
Spelling is correct. Punctuation and grammar need work in a couple of places. I found no odd or forced phrases or sentences. In the following lines you do not need the comma (,).
"Like dancing pebbles, strewn in the wind
In the distance, it constantly glares
The angry sun, showers his heat
In my head, it painfully beat"
They aren't necessary in these sentences. In the following line:
"In my head, it painfully beat"
beat should be beats. In the next line, I would suggest beginning it with I instead of and. In the following line:
"As the wind casts their breath"
Their should be her, or it's unless you change wind to winds. The following line fells a little wordy, and causes the poem not to flow as smooth as it could:
"Makes me feel the trembling of my knee."
I would suggest changing it to Makes me feel my trembling knees. In the following line:
"The coolness they brought to me"
they should be it.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


3. Form and Mechanics This is considered a Free Verse poem since there is no set rhyme scheme or meter. You begin the poem with a quatrain made up of rhyming couplets, but break off of the rhyme scheme and only use it in places. I feel this would be much better if you used the rhyme scheme throughout the poem. The line breaks are right, and the poem is well placed on the page. You do use some imagery in the poem.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


4. My favorite part of the poem is:
"Those raindrops that angrily beat
The cold water around my feet
I can't bear the cold that penetrates
I do wish to walk beneath the sun's heat."
This is the perfect way to end the poem. Good job.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


Overall, this is a nice Free Verse poem. It needs some tightening up, but this could be a winner. Remember, these are simply my suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Whatever you do, keep on writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
44
44
Review of A Frightful Night  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Mage Gervic.

' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review was purchased for you by an anonymous member.'

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


1. Title
The title fits the poem nicely

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


2. Syntax
Spelling is correct except for a typo. Punctuation needs work in a couple of places. I found no odd or forced phrases or sentences, however; there are several places that the grammar needs work. In the first line you have a typo, quite should be quiet. The following line:
"The stars that showed their dancing gleam"
does not need the word (that). The following line:
"The dark clouds then, fixed its curtain"
does not need the comma {,} and the word its should be their concerning clouds. The following line:
"Sharp light then, came flashing"
does not need a comma {,}. The rest of the poem is good.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


3. Form
This is a Free Verse poem as there is no set rhyme scheme or meter. You begin this poem with a quatrain written in rhyming couplets and then break off of the rhyme scheme. This would be much better in my opinion, if you had used the rhyme scheme throughout the poem.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


4. Imagery
You use some nice imagery in this poem. Good job!

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


5 My favorite part of the poem is:
"I threw myself in my bed
Nothing to do, I was so afraid.
Those demons kept me frightened
As the dark buried me!"
I can literally see this part of the poem. Good job

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


Overall, this is a very nice Free Verse poem. With a few changes you will have a keeper. Remember, these are simply my suggestions and opinions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Whatever you do, keep on writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
45
45
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Lynda. I am reviewing your poem for judging purposes in "The Lighthouse Poetry Contest" 

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


1. Title
The title is appropriate as it fits the poem, and the guidelines perfectly.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


2. Syntax
Spelling, punctuation, and grammar are correct. I found no odd phrases or word choices. Well done.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


3. Form
This is a beautifully written Free Verse poem. It requires no rhyme or meter. It flows smoothly due to the author's choice of words, and due to punctuation. Good job.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


4. My favorite part of the poem is:
"Walking down these streets of hell,
I feel the evil all around me;
And yet I know, the Lord is here;
I am armed with his angels as they protect me."
This is a beautiful picture of just how much we can trust God for our provision. Good job.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


5. Suggestions
The only suggestion I have is with the following line:
"in sight of those whom I disgust;"
Since we are told to love even our enemies, I would suggest changing this line to: in sight of those who disgust despise, or hate me. Looking back, the end of line 1 could be changed to: even when I don't listen. That is a suggestion due to the fact that as Christians we should always want God's guidance.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


Overall, this is a very nice Free Verse poem that almost anyone could relate to since homeless are so prevalent in the world. Remember, these are simply my opinions and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Good luck in the contest, and God bless. Keep on writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
46
46
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Weirdone. I am reviewing your poem for judging in "The Lighthouse Poetry Contest" 

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


1. Title
The title is appropriate and fits the poem

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


2. Syntax
Spelling and punctuation are correct. Grammar is correct except for the fact that you switch from third person with the use of He when speaking about God, to the use of second person by using You. I found no odd or forced phrases or sentences.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


3. Form
This is a Free Verse poem so there is no set meter or rhyme requirements. The poem does read smoothly due to the author's choice of words and punctuation. Due to the subject matter/task, the lack of imagery is expected. You have accomplished what you set out to do, and made it even more personal to you by using your occupation. Nice work.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


4. My favorite part of the poem is:
"Even though I must take exams designed by Satan, I will fear no failure, for you are with me.
You prepare a graduation in the presence of my enemies.
You give a diploma no man read.
Rather all will see it when your goodness and love are displayed all the days of my life."
This is a good picture of what we as Christians go through, and what God does for us. Good job.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


Overall this is a nice Free Verse Poem. Remember, these are simply my observations and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Good luck in the contest, and God bless. Keep on writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
47
47
Review of Psalm 23 in 2014  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello catdok. I am reviewing your poem as part of my judging for "Psalm 23 in 2014" 

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


1. Title
The title fits the poem as this is what I asked for.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


2. Syntax
Spelling is correct. Punctuation is not used for the most part in this poem, however; since you do use punctuation in several places you should use it throughout the poem. You do present a grammatical problem in your writing however. You begin the poem in third person by using He in reference to God, and in the next to last stanza you use second person by using You in reference to God. This is the only error in grammar that I see. I found no odd or forced phrases, or sentences. The first line of the second stanza you begin with And, That line would sound better if you omit And, and begin the sentence with Life's

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


3. Rhyme and Meter
There are no rhyme or meter requirements as this is a Free Verse poem.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


4. Imagery
There is no imagery, however: given the task that is somewhat to be expected.

*Penb* *Peng* *Peno* *Penr* *Penv* *Penb*


5. My favorite part of the poem is:
"And life's dangers I need not fear
For our Father is strong above all
He watches over his children
And gives safe harbor"
This is a perfect picture of God and His love for His children. The Bible says He is a strong tower, and a shelter we can run into and be saved. Good job

Overall, this is a nice Free Verse poem, and it accomplishes the task nicely. Remember, these are simply my opinions and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Good luck in the contest, and God bless. Keep on writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
48
48
Review of A Blitheful Sight  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Mage Gervic.

' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review was purchased for you by an anonymous member.'

*Giftt* *Gift4* *Gifto* *Gift2* *Gift1* *Giftt*


1. Title
I think you may need to change the title on this one. You may have meant to use the word Blissful in this poem, both in the title, and in the last line of the poem. Blissful means happy, ecstatic, a blissful place would be a place that was beautiful providing much joy to the person being there.

*Giftt* *Gift4* *Gifto* *Gift2* *Gift1* *Giftt*


2. Syntax
Spelling and punctuation are both correct. Grammar has a few problematic areas. I will attempt to point those out, and give suggestions where I can. The following line is a little awkward:
"Wind blows a cold breeze from the bay"
You may consider something like "A cold breath of wind that blows from the bay" which would make the grammar for the couplet correct. In the following line:
"Flowers bloom with fragrant petals"
you need to insert the word that after Flowers. This would make the grammar correct for this couplet. In the following line:
"ruffle down in a slender twist"
You should consider changing the word ruffle to rippling, this is probably the word you were searching for here, and it would make the grammar correct for this couplet. In the ending quatrain, the word its should be their since you are talking about trees. In the last line, you need to change blitheful to blissful for the above stated reason.

*Giftt* *Gift4* *Gifto* *Gift2* *Gift1* *Giftt*


3. This is a Free Verse poem since it has no set meter. This poem does read smoothly, and it contains some beautiful imagery. You absolutely know how to paint a picture with your words, and that's what a poem should do, paint a word for it's reader.

*Giftt* *Gift4* *Gifto* *Gift2* *Gift1* *Giftt*


This is an absolutely beautiful poem even with the minor grammar problems. Get those problem areas fixed and this will be a fantastic poem for your readers. Remember, these are simply my opinions and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Whatever you do, keep on writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
49
49
Review of Would We Feel?  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Mage Gervic.

' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review was purchased for you by an anonymous member.'

*Giftt* *Gift4* *Gifto* *Gift2* *Gift1* *Giftt*


1. Title
The title of the poem fits it nicely, and it grabs the reader's attention. Good job!

*Giftt* *Gift4* *Gifto* *Gift2* *Gift1* *Giftt*


2. Syntax
Spelling, punctuation, and grammar are all good except for the last line of the poem. The grammar of that line is off and I will give you a thought for that line. Consider changing it to "Without having sorrows, never having a care? That would take care of the grammar problem, and the rhyme problem. Other than that there was one word that needs changed in the following line:
"Without having lost our strives?
The word strives should be strife.

*Giftt* *Gift4* *Gifto* *Gift2* *Gift1* *Giftt*


This is a rhyming Free Verse poem that makes the reader think about life, and about how we perceive God through the negatives in our life. Overall, this is a very nice short poem. Remember, these are simply my opinions and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Whatever you do, keep on writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
50
50
Review of Glimpse to Nature  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Maage Gervic.

' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** This review was purchased for you by an anonymous member.'

*Giftt* *Gift4* *Gifto* *Gift2* *Gift1* *Giftt*


1. Title
The title fits the poem, however; I would suggest changing it to Glimpse of Nature. You can walk in to a field of flowers, but you get a glimpse of nature.

*Giftt* *Gift4* *Gifto* *Gift2* *Gift1* *Giftt*


2 Syntax
Spelling and punctuation are correct. There are some problems with grammar. I will try to point those out and will give some suggestions where I can.
Stanza 1: In line 1 you use fluff as a verb. Drift would be a better word to use and add (the) before azure making it Silver clouds drift in the azure sky. In line 2 add (A) in front of the sentence. That would make the grammar correct. In line 3 I would suggest adding (a) before blanket. In line 4 I would suggest beginning the line with Nature's, or change it to Is nature's.
Stanza 2: In line 1 I would suggest changing at to in making it in my sight. In line two I would suggest changing basin to surface. A basin is like a sink, the flower would rest on the surface of the water, also; you don't need the comma in that line. In In stanza 1 you used a rhyme scheme of a, b, c, b. In stanza 2 you went to an a, a, b, b rhyme scheme and kept that rhyme scheme for the rest of the poem. When you begin a poem with a set rhyme scheme you should keep that all through the poem rather than switching to another one.
Stanza 4: Line 1 is a little awkward. You may consider something like As the whirling wind swiftly blows.
Stanza 5: I would suggest starting line 1 with the word (A). In line 2, you may want to add the word (it) before murmurs.
In the ending couplet, the last line feels a little forced, you may consider something like It's verdant beauty you'll surely adore.

*Giftt* *Gift4* *Gifto* *Gift2* *Gift1* *Giftt*


3. Content
This is a Free Verse poem since there is no set rhyme scheme, and no set meter. But with a little work it will make a beautiful poem, you could even set it to a set rhyme and meter easily if you chose to.

*Giftt* *Gift4* *Gifto* *Gift2* *Gift1* *Giftt*


4. Imagery
You have used some absolutely beautiful imagery in this poem. You can see the place, and the things you talk about in this poem. Very good work.

*Giftt* *Gift4* *Gifto* *Gift2* *Gift1* *Giftt*


Overall, this is a nice poem. Just a little work on it and it will be beautiful. Remember, these are3 simply my opinions and suggestions, use them or lose them as you see fit. Whatever you do, keep on writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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