Hi, Rhychus.
Loved this! I adore stories about time travel, and this was a pleasure to read.
Actually, I'm working on a manuscript at the moment with a pretty similar premise… to some extent. Except that my hero is an elderly history teacher, and he travels a lot further back in time to save the world.
Now, your story works to some extent because you have a great premise, and the ending is cool. Not many people can claim to have saved the world by dumping a hot red-head in a giant bowl of punch. That's gotta be unique! :D
Also, Mike is an interesting character, a lottery winner and all.
However, let's talk about what maybe needs some work.
Firstly, there's a concept that the protagonist of a story is a 'sympathetic character'. Now, that doesn't mean we have to feel sorry for him, it just means that there must be something about his character that makes us like him and, most importantly, care what happens to him. That's part of what makes a reader turn the pages.
Mike isn't really a sympathetic character. He's rich, but didn't work for it. Yes, he wants to 'help' the world with his money, but the money actually seems very irrelevant to the actual story, and we don't see much of him helping people.
A simple way to make a charcter sympathetic quickly is the 'kick the puppy/pat the puppy' technique, where to make a guy the good guy, have him do something nice straight off. For example, Mike could tip a doorman, or help a frail old lady through the doorway, help someone in a wheelchair over a bump in the carpet. Any tiny good deed will establish that Mike is a nice guy we should care about.
The second major issue is in the plot. First, why Mike? Second, why the Senator?
Why Mike? If the mystery guy has the power to travel through time, why wouldn't he do the deed himself? The guy could dunk the babe and save the future without Mike. However, if you SHOW why only Mike can do it, you'll be okay. For example, Mike presumably has clearance, and it's an event guarded by, say, the FBI or something.
Why the Senator? Yes, Mike is going to save the world, but the obvious question now is how. Somehow you've got to hint at why this Senator MUST win the elections. For example, in the inital talk between Mike and his buddy, you could have something like "Jeez, now the government will push through that funding for the new, bigger nuclear programme instead of investing in healthcare." Obviously, that's a rough statement, but I think you can get where I'm coming from. If the Senator is standing for some huge, important issue in the election, and that issue is clearly linked to world survival, then the time travel will become easier to understand.
Hope these random thoughts help.
Thanks for sharing!
Bob :D
RainbowL}A Review from "Simply Positive Review Forum " !{/center} |