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765 Public Reviews Given
968 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
When I review an item, the criticism offered aims to address the main problems I personally feel the writer has at the moment. So, if I critique a story that is full of typos, lacks a clear plot and a sympathetic character, I'll tend to ignore the typos and focus on how the writer can craft a better plot and protagonist, while if the story is near perfect yet full of typos, I'll focus on the typos. I don't enjoy reviewing poetry. This isn't because I don't enjoy poetry, but because poetry is a very personal statement of feelings, and it's difficult to comment on such without upsetting the author.
I'm good at...
Critiquing opening chapters and offering advice on hook, character development, plot development and initial setting. In real life, I love to read novels, so I particularly enjoy reviewing opening chapters.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, sci-fi, speculative and historical fiction — I especially love time travel and YA fantasy/sci-fi
Least Favorite Genres
Poetry, erotica, romance, crime, thrillers, horror
Favorite Item Types
opening chapters and short stories
Least Favorite Item Types
poetry, lyrics, interactive stories
I will not review...
Your shopping list. Anything else goes. *Bigsmile*
Public Reviews
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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Dave!

What a wonderful idea. I love making a fool of myself attempting new poetry forms, and I'll certainly join this group.(If I pass your entrance survey) :)

A few thoughts on your text.

We have a Poetry Professor that creates discussions -> who creates discussions, if the prof is a person. 'that' is acceptable as a pronoun, but most people would prefer 'who' here, and to be honest, to me it reads awkward as 'that'.

This is just a short list, there's a lot more that are yet to be discovered. -> this is very ambiguous, and also not particularly succinct writing. -> This is a short list; you'll discover lots more when you get involved/participate/if you become active/there's lots more to discover.

Reviews of your poems -> your poems reviewed - snappier

Practice reviewing other people's poems -> Guidance reviewing poetry - snappier, plus anybody can practice reviewing poetry, but the added offer of guidance should attract

Getting the opportunity to read your colleague's poetry -> colleagues' !! -> consider, Opportunities to read your peers' poetry.

It'll take you to a simple survey that will allow you entrance into the group. -> It'll whisk you to a simple survey that will qualify your admission into the group


As I said above, this group is a fantastic idea. Thanks for forming it.

Cheers,

Bob :D
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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello again, Minja!

Wonderful content and rhyming scheme. I'm sure your future kids will love it!

A few thoughts, though.

but don't be scared COMMA children, she…

pay attention TO any lost

favorite pet COMMA and she might - without the comma here, it's difficult to understand that line

for witch is not caterpillar -> might sound better as, for a witch is no caterpillar

Rather than 'hallow night' perhaps 'Hallows' Night' as it's a name, or even 'Hallows' Eve' since that's closer to the actual name of 'All Hallows' Eve', which Halloween is short for.

But the above are only my thoughts and suggestions, so please don't take offense.

Thanks for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D


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228
Review of Green  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello again, Rhychus. :D

What a fantastic and funny short story. I love the twist and your punchline.

A few thoughts.

In the opening paragraph, did you mean artic or Arctic?
'birds' is quite abstract. How about a specific name to better identify the area and time of day. Not owls, perhaps blue jays? What's common where this is set in February?
She ran in that clumsy COMMA girlish way COMMA with her arms tucked in and her shoulders swinging, but all I saw was the way she smiled, her hair flowing in the wind. - brilliant paragraph. Really beautiful! :D
I noticed no smell but I could only imagine the disease living in this muck. - Not a good idea, no smell. Have it really stink and describe that smell with a eye-grabbing simile of your choice (it stank worse than my older brother's football socks after a big game/the stench was like my baby sister's poopy diapers.) Using sensory information like this better engagest the reader, and will increase the reader's sympathy when the next event occurs. :)
In dialogue, use 'natural' choppy sentences like a kid might, eg. 'You crazy? Why'd you do that?'
in a sick COMMA cold-blooded way.
I was covered with putrid green slime - if there's no smell, it ain't putrid.
Keep to the same tense throughout. Your final, concluding line slips into present tense.

Thanks for sharing,

Bob :D


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Review of Her First Time  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Fantastic, Zeke. Very funny.

I guess you have a word count restriction, so you may not be able to add anything, but it struck me that the dentist might say 'there may be a little blood' at some point in the beginning, which would continue your misdirection, and also that you could add some sensory information, such as the dentist coming so close to her mouth that she could smell his peppermint/mint breath or something like that, to add to the feeling of closeness.

I enjoyed this very much. Thanks for sharing.

Bob :D


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Review of "UNGH!"  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Angus.

Wow, what a wonderful short story. Love the resolution. :)

On the negative side, I had two thoughts.

“Mmm, mmm. This is one fine meal, Jill. Thank you for having us. Tracy? Aren’t you going to thank Jill?” — this line really confused me. He's addressing Jill and then says 'thank you for having us', but it isn't Jill's house and she hasn't 'had them'. Then he asks Tracy if she's going to thank Jill. Why? Jill only helped with the food; Tracy was the hostess and did almost all the work.

The whole homecoming dance problem kinda came out of the blue. Up until then the whole problem had revolved around the accident.

Having said that, this was a wonderfully written story and, except for that one paragraph, very engaging and easy to follow.

Cheers,

Bob :D


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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Rhychus.

Loved this! I adore stories about time travel, and this was a pleasure to read.

Actually, I'm working on a manuscript at the moment with a pretty similar premise… to some extent. Except that my hero is an elderly history teacher, and he travels a lot further back in time to save the world.

Now, your story works to some extent because you have a great premise, and the ending is cool. Not many people can claim to have saved the world by dumping a hot red-head in a giant bowl of punch. That's gotta be unique! :D

Also, Mike is an interesting character, a lottery winner and all.

However, let's talk about what maybe needs some work.

Firstly, there's a concept that the protagonist of a story is a 'sympathetic character'. Now, that doesn't mean we have to feel sorry for him, it just means that there must be something about his character that makes us like him and, most importantly, care what happens to him. That's part of what makes a reader turn the pages.

Mike isn't really a sympathetic character. He's rich, but didn't work for it. Yes, he wants to 'help' the world with his money, but the money actually seems very irrelevant to the actual story, and we don't see much of him helping people.

A simple way to make a charcter sympathetic quickly is the 'kick the puppy/pat the puppy' technique, where to make a guy the good guy, have him do something nice straight off. For example, Mike could tip a doorman, or help a frail old lady through the doorway, help someone in a wheelchair over a bump in the carpet. Any tiny good deed will establish that Mike is a nice guy we should care about.

The second major issue is in the plot. First, why Mike? Second, why the Senator?

Why Mike? If the mystery guy has the power to travel through time, why wouldn't he do the deed himself? The guy could dunk the babe and save the future without Mike. However, if you SHOW why only Mike can do it, you'll be okay. For example, Mike presumably has clearance, and it's an event guarded by, say, the FBI or something.

Why the Senator? Yes, Mike is going to save the world, but the obvious question now is how. Somehow you've got to hint at why this Senator MUST win the elections. For example, in the inital talk between Mike and his buddy, you could have something like "Jeez, now the government will push through that funding for the new, bigger nuclear programme instead of investing in healthcare." Obviously, that's a rough statement, but I think you can get where I'm coming from. If the Senator is standing for some huge, important issue in the election, and that issue is clearly linked to world survival, then the time travel will become easier to understand.

Hope these random thoughts help.

Thanks for sharing!

Bob :D








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Review of Blue  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a wonderful and very funny poem. I love the image you paint in my mind of this mischievous pup.

However, it isn't actually a Limerick. Google the structure of the Limerick and you'll see it has a different metrical structure and rhyming scheme.

It's not my place to re-write your poem, and it reads great anyway, but in Limerick form it would be something more like:

There once was a dog named Blue,
Who thought about eating your shoe.
She wanted to play,
But got in the way,
You'll have to buy footwear anew.

Unfortunately, my hastily thrown together attempt lacks the humour and beauty of your poem. It's only there to help illustrate the traditional structure. If you stopped describing your poem as a Limericj, then it would be fine.

Hope this helps,

Best wishes,

Bob :)





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233
Rated: E | (5.0)
This short poem has a fantastic and inspiring conclusion. Love it!

If you have the chance, I'd revise your punctuation a little. You use periods at the end of many lines where the following line appears to be a continuation of the same sentence, so either a comma or no punctuation would work better.

For the first four stanzas, I personally think the wording 'If only you were perfect' would work better. The wording in the concluding stanza is perfect! :)

Consdier Empress rather than Queen, because she'd be the monarch of all countries, not just one.

Having said all the above, I love the sound of this poem just as it is.

Thank you for sharing!

Cheers,

Bob :D


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Review of Stinky  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a wonderful, short relationship poem. I enjoyed reading this.

I like how you've adopted a rigid structure and kept to it, and your lack of fear of using images that may disturb some, such as the b*** at the end of the third stanza. I love your voice in this poem. There's something in the tone of it that reminds me of the song Johnny Cash sang, 'A Boy Named Sue.'

A few thoughts.

In the final quatrain, did you mean 'hollow' — as in his ashes were so heavy they caused a dip in the ground, or 'hallow' as in his corpse made the ground more sacred/holy?

Period missing from end of final quatrain.

For the first five stanzas, you used the scheme aabc. When you went aaac in the final quatrain, it threw me a little.

'loud sound of muffled rock and roll' is a bit contradictory, though 'muffled sound of loud rock n roll' would work.

'So enormous I decided to give no s*** to Stinky' - comma after 'enormous', but also it was unclear who was enormous. I'm guessing Stinky from context, but the last person mentioned was the girlfriend.

If Heaven is used as a placename, capitalise it.

As I said, this is a great poem. Hope my opinions don't offend.

Best wishes,

Bob :)
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