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765 Public Reviews Given
968 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
When I review an item, the criticism offered aims to address the main problems I personally feel the writer has at the moment. So, if I critique a story that is full of typos, lacks a clear plot and a sympathetic character, I'll tend to ignore the typos and focus on how the writer can craft a better plot and protagonist, while if the story is near perfect yet full of typos, I'll focus on the typos. I don't enjoy reviewing poetry. This isn't because I don't enjoy poetry, but because poetry is a very personal statement of feelings, and it's difficult to comment on such without upsetting the author.
I'm good at...
Critiquing opening chapters and offering advice on hook, character development, plot development and initial setting. In real life, I love to read novels, so I particularly enjoy reviewing opening chapters.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, sci-fi, speculative and historical fiction — I especially love time travel and YA fantasy/sci-fi
Least Favorite Genres
Poetry, erotica, romance, crime, thrillers, horror
Favorite Item Types
opening chapters and short stories
Least Favorite Item Types
poetry, lyrics, interactive stories
I will not review...
Your shopping list. Anything else goes. *Bigsmile*
Public Reviews
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Review of Time Before Time  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, A. D. Sharp Author IconMail Icon

Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.


Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion — it is but one.


When approaching your opening chapter, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.



Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your book?

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Your opening paragraph is fantastic. It immediately hooks because it has this reader wondering what's going to happen that's so surprising in the next ten seconds. *Smile*

The end hook is also fairly strong, raising the question of why somebody is so interested in having the protagonist killed.

Characters — are they well rounded?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Kurron isn't really a very sympathetic character. He's sympathetic to the extent that someone is trying to kill him, so we might feel sorry for him, and yet his nonchalant attitude leads us to suspect he may frequently have done things in the past that would justify this. I mean, there's no indignation or questioning in his mind about being attacked, he just thinks it's normal. Him feeling sorry for the alien when he takes his money doesn't really work since he must know by this stage that the alien was a hit man sent to kill him. I don't get the feeling that I know Kurron by the end of the chapter. I know he's human and he's called Kurron, but I don't know his age, status, occupation, if he has any family, anything much about him. If I compare it to, say, the Hunger Games, which is probably the biggest best seller in sci-fi in the past decade, by the end of chapter one we know that Katniss is sixteen and slim, has a dead father, a pathetic mother, a kid sister she really loves, an on off lover called Gabe, she likes to hunt in the woods, she wears leather boots and her father's old hunting jacket and her hair is tied up in a plait, and at the end of the chapter she's wearing a fancy, hand-me-down dress. Another big sci-fi success in recent years is Divergent. After the first chapter, we know Tris is sixteen, has a brother almost exactly a year older, two parents, she's wearing drab, grey clothes because everyone in her Faction wears such things, and we know the basic tenants of the Abnegation Faction's beliefs, and that she really admires the kids from another Faction, Dauntless, and wishes she were more like them, and she's embarrassed that her brother is better at being selfless than she is.

Kurron simply feels flat, as if he's only there to follow the plot rather than being a person in himself. I mean, his inner voice is okay, but he just lacks interests beyond the plot that would make him feel real. I imagine that in your head he does have a lot of shape, hobbies, family, background, job etc etc, but you just aren't letting any of that show in the story. Your biggest opportunity is when he returns to his apartment. If there were objects, pictures, documents, anything he glances at in passing that hint of a life beyond the plot, then it would add depth to him.

Plot — does your first chapter introduce or hint at the main conflict?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

I'm going to say yes. I'm assuming the main conflict is somehow related to the disintegration of society mentioned in the chapter and that somehow Kurron is the key to holding everything together.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

The chapter began well and ended well, with hooks and action. However, for me the fight scene did seem to drag a bit. I felt you spent too much time analysing actions within that scene, as if Kurron had all the time in the world to fight the guy. You see, part of the art of narration is making the reader subconsciously think that a certain part of the story is either slower or quicker depending on what the author intends. In fight scenes, or other truly intense action scenes, it's best to use short, choppy sentences full of action and avoid too much introspection. This will give the reader the illusion of the fight happening quicker.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Kurron has a strong voice. You're a good narrator. However, you do seem to suffer from typos/lack of editing, and should also consider the pacing of your narrative, using shorter sentences in action.

Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building?
*Star**Star**HalfStar*

There is zero dialogue in your opening chapter. I get why, but it's not a good thing. Dialogue is an essential part of building up the character in the reader's mind. How he speaks to others says a lot about who he is. He could at least attempt to talk to his attacker in the opening scene, to ask him why he wants to attack him, or maybe curse him. He could speak to someone on the way back to his apartment. A lot of novels use a street vendor to help establish the protagonist's attitude to others, eg. by having him know the hot dog vendor by name, ask how his kid's doing now he's gone to college etc etc. This kind of character building is done in the lull between action scenes. You need lulls, obviously, so that the action feels more actiony, and your lull is the walk back to his apartment.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

The apartment is set okay, but the initial area he was attacked and the walk back aren't too visual. Also, I'd expect some interesting smells associated with the alien that Kurron experiences as he hits him, maybe, for example, like fungus spore as his spikes shatter under his fists. You need Kurron to see things around that give us a better idea of what this society is like. For example, there could be restaurant signs written in alien scripts that he walks wide of because the stench of the live blood worms they eat there makes him want to vomit… little touches like that add a lot to the setting by showing that aliens live side-by-side with humans and have different dietary needs and cultures etc. You need to help the reader to visualise this world by giving them a skeleton of basic facts around which they can form their own vision. Like, is the sky purple? Is the dirt green? Are most of the houses dome shaped? You did describe his area fairly well, but it still leaves a lot I know nothing about.


Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Not yet. There was nothing in the opening chapter I haven't seen before, and I few things I thought were a bit off, such as the DNA card I'll mention under suggestions or Kurron's lack of reaction or preparedness to be attacked given that it's happened four times before.

Suggestions — a few ideas for possible improvement.

Here are a number of specific things from your narrative:

I knew two things instantly.

I knew someone was trying their hardest to take my head off, and I knew I didn't want to feel that again.
— I get why you're repeating the verb 'knew' for emphasis, but really you don't need it. It'll work better, imho, if you just write something like: I knew two things instantly: someone was trying their damnedest to take my head off, and I didn't want to feel that again.

As soon I felt the hard ground beneath me I started to roll away from where I assumed my attacker was. — this is an action scene, so you want prose that is as succint and active as possible, eg. As soon as I hit the ground, I rolled away from my attacker. When you're in PoV, the reader understands that the thoughts and actions belong to the viewpoint character, so they understand without being told that the protagonist is rolling away from where they THINK the attacker is. When you introduce words like 'assumed' then you're 'filtering' ie. you're reminding the reader that these are someone else's thoughts and not their own, creating another layer of text between them and the story beyond.

But their most recognizable feature were their large boney spikes that covered most of their face. — though this is pretty cool, it immediately made me think two things. First, why didn't he feel those spikes the first time he punched the dude? I mean, surely you'd feel a lot of pain if you punched a set of spikes? Second, if this attacker is so obviously alien, why hadn't the protagonist noticed before?

His clothes were typical for a Quinexx; high collared tunic and pants. — again, if this was typical for this race, surely the protagnoist would have identified him before punching?

30 years ago, travel to other dollar systems was looking and expensive — First, i don't fully understand this sentence. I suspect it's a typo, but I can't work out what it should say. Second, in narrative it's considered better to represent numbers in words unless they're really big, like a phone number or serial number.

When places on the front of a ship in the shape of a net — did you mean 'placed'?

They lost the war on crime before they even had a chance to fight. — the second part of this sentence came off a bit weak. Consider finding a better way to express this.

I swiped my DNA card across the scanner and waited until I heard the lock disengage — I'm not keen on this bit of technology. Two reasons. First, if you're going to scan DNA, why not a direct scan, like you put your thumb on something and it takes a microscopic sample? Second, if there was a card with your DNA on it, what's to stop someone stealing your DNA card and pretending to be you? I mean, that tech is only as good as the credit card tech we have now. Today, we don't even need to swipe cards because the chips can be read remotely, so this is actually a backwards step in technology in some ways.

At least there interior was a little more up to date.
— did you mean 'the interior'?

and the far wall began scrolling the days headlines — day's - possessive apostrophe

Right next to four identical folders. — It sounds from this that you are implying that this alien is the fifth to have attempted to kill him. That raises a few problems about his viewpoint. You see, earlier he felt guilt about mugging the alien. If he knew the alien was a hit man intending to kill him, why would he feel any guilt? In fact, why did he leave him alive at all? The most confusing thing is that if four others have tried to kill him, why isn't he better prepared? Why doesn't he have a gun or at least a knife to defend himself?

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your opening.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

You can write, you can hook, you have a plot. All those things are done well, and plot is the most important element of a novel. However, in my opinion, you don't adequately develop your character or your settings. I didn't really engage with him or get that suspension of disbelief, that feeling I'm there in the story.

Thank you for sharing your opening chapter. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*


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Review of LADA  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, WakeUpAndLive Author IconMail Icon

I need to torture you some more! *Wink*

What I liked

I like how you make your car a symbol of your changing life and the world rapidly changing around you. It's kinda like a metaphor for yourself, if you catch my drift, ie. they don't make cars like that any more, and they don't make girls like me any more. It also expresses your individuality, your willingness to stand out from the crowd and do what makes sense to you and brings you joy rather than following the herd and doing something less pleasureable just because everyone else thinks you should. The Lada is a symbol of your unique nature.

What might need work

You make a point of stating the car is masculine, but really since 'he' is so important you should give him a name, and from that point in the story onwards call him by that name rather than saying 'the Lada', eg. I called him Lad. So, Lad would take me everywhere, and I loved Lad because he was so reliable. Reliable, that is, until the day the Satanic sea air stole the love of my life away from me, and Lad was no more! *Cry*

she was in the process of passing me by when we collapsed — I think you mean collided. *Wink*

At the point of the accident, I'd love you to SHOW the difference between your Lada and other cars by the impact of the accident, ie. I checked my car, and there was another scratch almost lost among the others already there, but no real damage. I turned to the Audi. A huge dent marred the front of the car, and the bonet had crumpled. Steam billowed from underneath. I didn't imagine that car would ever run again. I sighed, exchanged insurance details, then drove my intact tank away from the scene with a smile.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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203
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Winnie Kay Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

Wow, this is wonderful. I worked through the iambic pentameter hoping to find something to complain about, but it was perfect. And the concept behind it is so cool. I love that your friend was able to mirror your form so well and also bring your initial thought to conclusion. I note he/she even managed to duplicate your use of alliteration and assonance in his/her stanza. Fantastic.

The concept in the first stanza touches upon the doctrine of salvation through grace, the notion that mankind is trapped in sin and only the grace of a benevolent God can break that chain of events and bring any individual into a state of salvation. It raises these concepts of sin and salvation through two questions, each taking up two lines. The second stanza seaparately answers these two questions, again each answer taking up two lines.

What might need work

Nothing. I've really struggled to find some fault or even potential improvement, but as S T Colderidge once wrote, it's easier to move a stone from the base of one of the great pyramids than to change or remove one word in this poem without either making it sound less beautiful or changing its meaning.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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204
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Review of Lost in Thoughts  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Naveed Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

I loved the emotion in this short story and the way you unfold the tragic life of the protagonist. Great job!

What might need work

At the point where the protagonist remembers his wife dying, he says "my wife left me." Now, I guessed from context that this meant she died, but literally it means she walked out on him, like she wanted a divorce. Consider rephrasing this so it's clearer she died, such as "my wife departed this cruel world".

You don't use any dialogue. I feel that if you used speech with a specific scene of, say, a woman pulling her screaming kid away and pointing at him, saying, "If you don't behave, the old sewer wallah will get you!" (Do they still use the term Wallah?) then your story will feel more tangible.

Also, a scene with the wife dying and dialogue woul allow you to get his name in. It's easier for readers to feel great sympathy for someone if they know their name.

Since I suspect you enjoy writing poetry, consider joining: "The Poet's Place Open in new Window.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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Review of What Eases Pain?  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Pesky Amanda A.K.A. LadyNazlia Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

I love the happy, sleeping cat in the opening quatrain. Reading on, I'd hoped to see more of that feline friend, but sadly no. Yet still I enjoyed the following stanzas and the conclusion, where the rain is your true best friend and helps you sleep. I like how you use the regular pattern of two couplets to each quatrain, right until the final stanza where the rain has produced its desired effect and lulled you to sleep.

What might need work

I long for a slumber, oh so deep — this may just be my ear, but if you cut 'a', this reads better to me.

An end is something I can never find. — consider: (A sound) Repose is what I never find — the two words in brackets retain your syllable count, but they aren't necessary for meaning.

I close my eyes and the images appear, — this would sound better without the 'the', imho.

I hear the soft note of the dripping rain, — the 'I hear' is a repeat of the previous line. Perhaps you intended that for emphasis, but consider: The soft plink plonk of dripping rain.

That falls from the sky to ease my pain. — I feel this would sound better without 'the', but your version here is more gramatically correct.

I begin to give each raindrop a number. — generally it's better to avoid words like 'begin' as they're considered stall word, ie. they add to word count but not comprehension. Sometimes they're necessary for emphasis that an action is just beginning, and occasionally to make meter work. Here, I think 'I give each raindrop a number' works better than with 'begin to'

I simply stop and listen to the rain falling, — though this is a nice break to the previous pattern of rhyming endings, I cannot help but notice it is also a 'feminine' ending and a little weak. Consider other possibilities, such as ending on 'rain', ie. I simply stop and listen to the rain

Since you enjoy writing poetry, consider joining: "The Poet's Place Open in new Window. and also think about possibly entering some contests, like: "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. and "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem ContestOpen in new Window.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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Review of Small Carnival  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, papergirl Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

This is a fantastic premise for a poem. The idea that a person can find joy in the more simple thing in life and also with the human communion with close members of one's family and also sharing one another's happiness. That I loved.

What might need work

Beware mixed metaphors that can contradict on a subconscious level.

You've described two actions/behaviour patterns than set apart the protagonist from her sister: reading books and going to the fair. However, think about the deeper implications of both actions. A person who finds joy in books sends an image of someone who does not go out to the fair and engage in thrilling activities. Yes, that's a stereotype, but in poems or short stories we often pin big ideas on stereotypes in order to get across large concepts in few words. Many readers would expect the stay home sister to be the one who reads books.

I'd recommend you leave out the beautiful book metaphor and use it in a separate poem about the joy of escape in literature and make this poem just about the protagonist with her sister and father at the carnival, and her regret that the other sister cannot share such simple pleasures.

However, always remember it's your poem. Write what works for you.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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207
207
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello again, Vanishing Vapor Author IconMail Icon!

Congratulations on getting this poem featured in the poetry newsletter. *Smile*

What I liked

I love the theme of the poem — the joy gained from helping and inspiring people. I especially enjoyed the images, such as the use of statues.

This line made me laugh aloud: made a mental note not to do anything like this again. *Laugh*

I liked the structure, most rhymes, and the nice alliteration at the end with poem/preach.

What might need work


Then instruct a few classes in which the syllable I'd draft, - Then instruct a few classes for which the syllabus I'd draft — not syllable. *Wink*

myself/elves — not a strong rhyme

Silent, still and wide eyed as if a frozen statue of a child. -> there's more than one child, so make the simile plural, too, to match, eg. as if all frozen statues of a child.

Then suddenly they broke into applause and I felt like I would faint -> sentences where two independent clauses are joined by a conjunction must use a comma unless the clauses are both very short.

http://www.smart-words.org/linking-words/conjuncti...

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D

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Review of Time's Deceit  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Winnie Kay Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

There's so much to admire in your Neville!

The meter and rhyme are both spot on and your poem follows the Neville form accurately.

The theme is inspired. You've really made good use of the form to produce a concluding line that must resonate with anybody over forty. It reminds me of something Stephen King wrote in his prologue to the Dark Tower series - about how in his mind he's always seventeen and it's a stranger staring back at him from his mirror. I adore your image of the ticking clock mocking your blindness to the passing of time. Also, the blink which expresses your surprise so well is great showing of emotion. Great stuff!

What might need work

The initial sentence that spans the first three lines does not have an obvious grammatical subject. Upon rereading, it becomes clear that it's the speaker who has been deceived, but on first read through it sounds as though the 'tick of time' is the one deceived by you. At least to my way of thinking. The whole first sentence is basically a bit awkward. If this were prose rather than poetry, then it wouldn't work at all. Obviously, readers are used to seeing awkwardly or unusually phrased things in metered poems, but usually such unusual phrasing helps to emphasise rather than obscure the point being made by the poet. Perhaps try to rephrase your opening so it's more obviously the speaker who has been deceived from the get go.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D

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209
209
Review of Poetry ?  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, ~Sue~ Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

Well, I think both you and I know that Poetry is not my Cup of Cocoa, so obviously I've warmed to your theme… and that's just from reading the title. *Laugh*

I love your Iambic tetrameter couplets because the rhyme and meter (note the American spelling, lol, I cannae help it!) are so beautifully written and the whole thing sounds great read aloud… oh yes I did! *Laugh*

And the content… well, that theme applies equally well to all writers, whether they write prose or poetry, fact or fiction. Of course we pour "My loves, my hopes, my hates, my rage" into our writing, and you express it so well in this short piece. (Actually, I've already written more words about your poem than you have in your poem! *Wink*

What might need work

One little slip, but I'm not certain that it wasn't deliberate in order to make some form of point or for emphasis.

I'll just write the line out here:

This is what poetry means to me. -> . _ . / . _ . / . _ . -> notice any subtle variations from the meter in all your other lines. *Wink*

At first I thought the shift was deliberate, to emphasise the conclusion and the words of this line, but then I'd expect the following line to follow the same to complete the couplet. But, I'll point it out and then see what you have to say for yourself, young lady! *BigSmile*

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D

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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, E. Martin Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

I do like your character's voice, especially in the line: I'm not Your Highness, I'm Taryn, pleasure to meet you, and no, I don't feel like dancing.

Taryn is a wonderfully sympathetic and lovable character. She has fantastic spirit. I'm sure she'll make a very engaging and proactive main character.

Nice hook at the end of the first scene when you state But above all these characteristics, one gift surpasses them all. and I'm left wondering what that might be. And again at the end of the second scene, with the mention of the missing axe. :)

What might need work

Be aware that prologues are a tad out of fashion at the moment. It's just politics, I think, but it's one of those things that might get your book slushpiled on sight if you're not careful. If Taryn continues on as the main character, but ten years later or something, then I'd just make this chapter one. It's a minor change in title from prologue to chapter one, but it could make a huge difference to publishing opportunities. Not my issue, I must say. I mean, the Game of Thrones, The Wheel of Time, The Host, all huge best selling books with prologues. Even the Twilight books all had a 'preface'. But…

When you're narrating in first person, you have two problems from the get go. One is that the reader has no idea of your gender, the other is they don't know your name. Because she has a twin BROTHER, the reader is going to assume she's a boy unless told otherwise. You don't make it's clear she's a girl until the line: But, if we trade with Sorskalin, milady Also, at that point, you miss the opportunity to slide in her name, ie. with Sorkalin, Lady Taryn, or with Sorkalin, Princess Taryn - depending on how you work the culture. I mean, in The Wheel of Time, the Queen of Andor's daughter was titled, Lady Elayne - the Daughter Heir, or something like that.

Beware tired old expressions and seek alternatives that maintain the meaning and connection but use more refreshing words. For example, a quick talk on how little children should be seen and not heard. -> a quick talk on how little princesses should be admired for their grace and beauty but not heard. After reading on, this is an earlier opportunity to introduce that she's a dwarf, ie. …on how little dwarves should be neither seen nor heard. :)

my dolls on the top of the spring green hillside, pretending to be the damsel in distress -> eithe make dolls singluar or damsel plural, because they don't match.

Our hair may be ash brown, and our eyes, clear grey, but Theodor's hair is perfect, he's leaner and taller while my hair is bushy and I'm stocky.
-> sentences like these are too 'telling', ie. they read like a description in a dating site profile rather than coming across naturally as the reader 'observes' the scene. You did a fantastic job earlier of introducing Taryn's personality, but you don't do the same thing with her physical features. Create actions eary on in your story/scene that will somehow show the physical features. For example, remember my story when I wanted to give the reader an idea of what Tom looked like? Tom remembers his honeymoon and then wonders how such a chubby misfit like himself bagged such a handsome hunk. That lets the reader know that Tom is flabby, not muscular, not handsome, and an outsider, but without making it sound like a list of features. Try and think of something like that for Taryn, such as one of her maids brushing her tangled hair and lamenting that it isn't as silky and perfect as her brothers.

, muttering how dwarf children should know better than to play like horses of Faris, -> you leave it a bit late to tell us she's a dwarf. Readers will already have built up a picture of her by this point, and changing something so important will shatter their mental image and disrupt the suspension of disbelief, spoiling the story for them.

from its long plaits and it lay becomingly on her shoulders, garbed in her midnight silk gown that softly became her./Every evening, my family would sit together and talk about our day together -careful about repeating words too close together in narrative.

we didn't see each other as often as other peasant families. -> the implication of this statement is that they are a peasant family, which is patently untrue. :)

'I went to visit my brotherâs grave with your Mama.' - brotherâs? brother's?

'How is your schooling coming along, Taryn? What did you learn today?' She asked. -> you don't need 'she asked'. It's as redundant as a Sheffield steel worker because we already know Mum is speaking. However, if you did keep it, it would be low case 's' in 'she' because 'she asked' would be in the same sentence.

Though it's truly wonderful when Taryn plays with fire, the whole scene is a tad implausible. If it's such a huge thing that dwarfs can touch fire, then all the humans would already know and it would simply be common knowledge. This is an example of characters doing or saying something 'out of character' for the benefit of the reader rather than their natural behaviour.

Consider: horses of Faris, the country of the centaurs in scene one and then And that's when the Fayris queen-' in scene two. Faris/Fayris. I get that Faris is derived from farrier and Fayris from fay folk, but they're a tad similar to be in the same 'universe' dontcha think? Similarly Centur/country of the centaurs. Too similar. :)

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D

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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, stephen Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

It's a cool acrostic. I love that you've taken the modern, text approach to this using 'u' instead of 'you' and also how the story follows a smooth chronological flow and also includes conflict. Also, you have some great assonance and alliteration going on within several lines. Nice and subtle.

What might need work

While the story has a nice flow, I have two suggestions about that.

First, "Love Adusu, I love u so much." Everything after the first 'love' is fine, but beginning 'Love Adusu' doesn't make sense if this is spoken as a sentence. I mean, "Adusu, I love u so much" is fine. And, "Love Adusu. I love her so much." is also fine. But what you have doesn't exactly make sense as it is, if you follow my drift.

Second, while you've shown the chronological flow of meeting your lady, still consider beginning your poem with the conflict, ie. Betrayal -> Unhappy thoughts -> It started on the web -> she writes me often -> finally I've found you -> We'll never be parted.

Then, give a little thought to vocabulary choice. Yes, this is free verse acrostic, so no need for rhyme or meter. However, there are still ways you can make the language more powerful by choosing the right words.

For example, instead of "Can anyone take us apart" consider "Dare anyone tear us apart" (which maintains the assonance) or other choices, like "Can anyone rip us apart" or "Dare anyone come betwixt our love". Use words which are emotive and imply conflict, violence, loud sounds and generally are as concrete as possible to give strength to your piece.

"And she writes me very often" -> "And she writes me… every day/ten times a week (keeps the assonance better)/with passion/words I dare to trust/words that inflate my heart - something that either is concrete or more emotional. Ideally, avoid the word 'very' in poetry, unless it's metered and you need it for the syllables or stress. I mean, it does work in the assonance, but assonance is subtle, and there are many word choices you can make that are both stronger and yet maintain assonance.

Occasionally, I've tried…

Be careful with the last sentence. Ideally, it should form some kind of strong conclusion or resolution to your poem. At the moment it's ambiguous. To me it implies that you've never met her in person and only exchanged messages with her on the internet. However, I don't think that's what you're trying to say, so I'd suggest you attempt to find a stronger ending.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D

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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello again, Prosperous Snow celebrating Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

I loved the theme of this parody, the way in which your muse causes insomnia and makes you productive at writing but threatens your day job. That's fantastic. Also, you can't beat a bit of Dolly! *BigSmile*

What might need work

The idea of the parody contest was to talk about the writing site. You've successfully spoken about your feelings as a writer, but not referenced the site in any way.

I worked through the original lyrics for the opening verse, and then your parody. The syllable counts, the system of meter, and the rhymes are different.

Take the original verse:

A Tumble outta bed and I stumble to the kitchen (syllables:13) scan: .-.-.-.-.-.-.
A Pour myself a cup of ambition (syllables:9) scan: .-.-.-.-.
B Yawn and stretch and try to come to life (syllables:9) scan: .-.-.-.-.
C Jump in the shower and the blood starts pumpin' (syllables:11) scan: .--.---...-
C Out on the street the traffic starts jumpin' (syllables:10) scan: .--.-.-..-
B With folks like me on the job from nine to five (syllables:11) scan: -.-.--.-.-.

Granted, they rhyme is forced, relying more on assonance and near rhyme than true rhyme, but the intention is clear. I mean, life and five only rhyme if you ignore constonants. *Laugh*

Then compare with your version:

A I stumble through my front door and go into my bedroom (syllables:9) scan: -.-.-.-..-.-.-.-
B Lookin' forward to a good night's sleep (syllables:9) scan: .-.-.-...
A I make the room dark as Tutankhamun's tomb (syllables:11) scan: -.-..-.-.-.
C Then I lay there starin' at the ceilin' (syllables:10) scan: -..-.-.-.-
C Waitin' for my thoughts to stop freewheelin' (syllables:10) scan: .-.-.-.-.-
C And the voice of my muse to stop her squealin' (syllables:11) scan: --.--.-.-.-

Now, my scansion skills are debatable, and I am British and so have different stress patterns, so I may have got some of those beats wrong (. for stressed syllable, - for unstressed) but I'm pretty sure your meter is the inverse of Dolly's in most places. Sorry *Frown* Hope I haven't offended you too much with my opinion.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D

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Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello, Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈 Author IconMail Icon

Thank you for requesting a review from "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.


Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion is but one.


When approaching your opening chapter, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.



Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your book?

*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Let's be honest here. I'm not a fair judge of this because you already had me when you mentioned time travel in the description, lol. I looooove time travel stories. Also, to be realistic, any reader who opens your book has already read the blurb on the dust cover and knows this fact.

However, pushing that aside, your opening paragraphs lack any significant hook. I mean, for me the mention of the question on time travel he had to answer was enough of a hook. But for someone coming to this chapter cold, without reading the dust cover, there's nothing in your opening to hook. Sorry.

Putting that aside, the narration is very engaging, and there are lots of great hooks later. For example, Annie's insistance that she met a French soldier from the Napoleonic Wars was great. Then there was the arrival of the creepy guy. Then there's the FBI agent. Great! Then the actual time travel at the end… if the reader isn't hooked by then, this is not their genre. :)

Characters — are they well rounded?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

This is clearly your greatest strength. Justin is an amazingly well rounded character from the get go. It's like a checklist of the perfect, three-dimensional sympathetic character. I mean, does he pat the puppy? *CheckR* Does he have any little problems that might make us feel sorry for him, like eye strain? *CheckR* Does he have any interests outside the plot, eg. doing a PhD or something. *CheckR* Does he have a quirky surname that raises questions in this reader's mind? *CheckR* Do we have shown clues what he looks like, say mention of gym work etc *CheckR* And all this within the first page. Brilliant!

The secondary characters—Annie, Mazaeus and Special Agent Corbett, are also extremely well introduced, with fantastic features that make them stand out from the crowd, like Mazaeus' scar and Corbett's vinegar face, lol. Wonderful stuff.

Plot — does your first chapter introduce or hint at the main conflict?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Yes! A 100% yes. This opener definitely hints at a huge conflict where some kind of time control agents are chasing a fugitive, and Justin has to come along.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Yup! This story is going everywhere and everywhen in a huge hurry. No problems here!

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Fantastic! Lines like 'She looked like he'd tried to hand her Ebola-infested toilet paper.' and 'Light, an impossible ocean of brilliant light, flowed from the phone and swirled around them. A thousand needles pricked his skin, and an electric tingle zinged down his back. His stomach roiled, and the ache in his head exploded. The light swirled and howled, and the world spun in a dizzying whorl.' really stand out in this reader's mind.

There were a few, tiny errors. See suggestions below. Because of the quantity of errors, I don't feel I can give this category full marks, but the wonderful similes and etc make me wish I could.

Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Yes. Especially Mr. Mazaeus and Annie. Both have wonderful voices.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Absolutely. Especially the time travel moment already noted. There were, however, moments where I felt the senses of taste and smell might have been brought in to better ground the reader, helping to create that illusion that the reader is really there, the suspension of disbelief.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Yup! You address gender issues with tact, and also the need to care for the less well off. It's too early in the book to see if other major issues are brought up, but… it's time travel. Your theme already has me hooked!

Suggestions — a few ideas for possible improvement.

I did have quite a few thoughts while reading through. I'm not promising this is everything that may be wrong with your chapter, and you may disagree with some of the things I say, but here are my thoughts anyway:-


behind the front desk of the Holiday Inn -> behind the front desk of the Middleton Holiday Inn — 'cause you know readers skip titles, right?

the dim lighting favored by management at 2AM made him squint to read the equations. Lack of sleep and eyestrain conspired to create a knob of pain -> this line made me think he was a tad stupid, which he clearly isn't. I mean, if you were completely on your own, surely you'd bring along your own desk lamp to use once everyone else had gone?

qualifying exam? He wasn't qualifying for a Nobel Prize -> He wasn't applying for… to avoid echo, unless you prefer that.

disappeared toward the smoker's corner -> smokers' — I presume there was more than one smoker employed at this hotel?

He'd expected Annie to show up. He'd even salvaged a chicken Kiev dinner from the restaurant for her. He gave his textbook a forlorn look, closed it, and pulled the sack with the meal from where he'd hidden it under the desk. He couldn't really afford a break, but poor Annie needed him. / He shivered -> How many 'He's in a row? Variation, pls. ;)

She accepted the sack containing the meal and moonlight glimmered in her sunken eyes. -> Okay, so far you've given us very little sensory information besides vision and hearing. I mean, okay, he shivered. That's cool, and good showing, however here he's talking to an elderly lady who perhaps hasn't bathed in a year, holding a chicken Kiev meal in his hands, and there's her trolly full of junk, and yet he still doesn't SMELL anything? Does this guy have no sense of smell? ;)

God Bless you -> God bless you, unless Bless has found its way into the Hundred Names of Allah this year.

He'd lose his job if he let her in lobby again.-> in the lobby

A smile lit her features and she stuck out a foot -> comma after 'features'

More importantly, there was no boyfriend either, at least not since Kyle had dumped him -> consider new sentence from 'At least'.

Headlights flashed and a car pulled into the passenger loading area. -> comma after 'flashed'. This seems like a common issue. Check out the section on comma use in The Elements of Style. Where a sentence consists of two clauses with grammatically different subjects, and 'and' or 'but' are used to join them, a comma is mandatory. I won't comment on this kind of comma use again. Perhaps it's a style thing with you, but it reads funny to me.

Justin looked him in the eye and -> eye or eyes?

How can I help you?" -> maybe a Brit Eng thing, but 'How may I help you?'

The man twisted his mouth downward and glared at him. -> don't really need the directional component 'at him' at the end, since Justin's pov is now firmly established and we'll assume all actions are directed toward him unless told otherwise.

Justin's dimples faded. -> cute, but it is a minor pov violation since Justin can't see his own dimples and probably wouldn't notice them fading. However, personally, I'd leave this in. It's great character building and showing of what's happening.

even though this guy was probably a just gynecologist or some such -> probably just a gynecologist - unless he's an unusually law abiding gynecologist. ;)

One of those will be sufficient, sir -> cut 'of those'

there were too many new countries popping up all over the place to keep track of them all -> lol. Great line. But, you could cut 'of them all'.

Justin fingered the bills, rang up the sale, made change, and pocketed the difference. -> I'd expect much more of a reaction here. From what's just passed, the reader knows Justin is now pocketing over a hundred dollars, possibly a hundred thirty? That's an extraordinary tip for a night shift guy who normally sees few guests. I'm sure he'd be over the moon and imagining what treats he could get himself, or Annie, with that. Also, it's an opportunity to introduce another interest to help his character rounding, eg. something extremely geeky like a particular comic book or Pokemon card, or something that indicates an artistic temprement, like a new size whatever oil paint brush or perhaps the latest Stephanie Meyer novel or something. (what he reads will really give us an idea of what he's like, his interests. A Bernard Cornwell or Simon Scarrow historical fiction book aboout the Napoleonic Wars would be particularly well placed here.)

When he filed the registration form -> filled in the - maybe that's a Brit Eng thing

he saw that Mazaeus had filled it out using an angular script he didn't recognize. -> cut 'that' as it's redundant. I have a rule of thumb regarding that 'that' that I don't know that I need. I cover that 'that' that I'm unsure about with that thumb of mine and then read that sentence aloud. If that sentence reader just fine without that 'that' that I'm not sure about, then I delete that 'that' that I don' need. ;)

generous heap of sugar and creamer. -> creamer? Perhaps that's something you have in the States. Otherwise, did you mean 'cream'? - although you do make good use of this later to show how the inside of his mouth feels as he wakes, you miss the opportunity here to show the bitter-sweet taste of the coffee and it's burning or cold temperature as he drinks. This is where you can get in sense of TASTE.

She flashed a badge at him. -> cut 'at him' - same reason as before.

"You must mean Mr., uh, Mazaeus." -> I'd tend to use ellispes for speech trailing off like this, ie. 'You must mean Mr… uh… Mazaeus.

Justin placed the card on the front desk and slid it toward her. -> and slid it over.

Besides, she might have gotten that badge on the internet. Or Badges R Us. - both are fantastic, but I'd choose one and run with it. We're in action now, so no need to slow the narrative too much. BTW, can't you go into 'insert character' in your Word and make the R reversed like in the Toys R us sign? :)

Besides, he was ***** off at her officious manner and wanted keep an eye on her. - wanted to keep

Ankh cross that hung from a leather strap about his heck - what the heck? (Yorkshire saying)

Her jaws jumped like she was chewing on crickets. "All right. Put on your pants. -> nice simile! However, I had plausibility issues. I'm sure any police officer or agent wouldn't grant him any latitude here. They'd prefer to see him in his natural state rather than risk him reaching for something hidden to use as a weapon.

Where did he go, anyway?"-> At this point, I had another plausibility issue. I mean, he's just seen her fire a gun at a man, and then the man disappeared into the ether. Both those events are enough to send the average person into shock, but he's acting as if he's sleeping through a lecture, just asking the questions the plot requires him to ask right now. I feel he should exhibit a much stronger reaction.

She punched something onto the screen of her phone and then stuffed her gun back in her purse.
-> She punched something onto her phone's screen, then stuffed her gun back in her purse. - tighter

At the end, I did wonder if you might create a slightly stronger hook if you eneded the story earlier, at the moment he begins to time travel but before he arrives in Chicago. This would leave a potentially bigger question in the reader's mind, more of a cliff hanger, if they don't know what's actually happened. As it is, the ending is pretty much resolved because the reader learns both where and when we are. Usually, unresolved first chapters create a bigger hook. However, after consideration, I decided I liked this just as it is, but didn't want to skip mentioning this doubt in case you are of a different opinion.


Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your opening.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Brilliant! This is just the kind of book I enjoy reading. A wonderful, engaging character, real settings, and stuff happening that's out of this (real) world.


Thank you for sharing your opening chapter. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*


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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Carol St.Ann 👓 Author IconMail Icon !

Since I've entered this, I suppose I'd better review and rate it. *Geek*

What I liked

It's about time there was a contest like this that addresses something the majority of wannabe authorst join this site for. We all — don't lie! — wanna publish a novel some day, and this contest is all about how to write that perfect chapter that will hook our readers and force them to dig into their pockets and buy the product of our years of sweat and toil. So, kudos to you for making this happen!

I've joined at least half a dozen contests since joining this site, and I must say that the rule list of this contest was by the far the most comprehensive and well thought out. Great stuff. If only all contests were as well thought out, the world would be a better place! ;)

What might need work

A few tiny, insignificant suggestions:-

You tell the contestents what you will be judging them on, what you want to see, but you don't really 'help' them achieve this. There are on WDC many wonderful essays aimed at teaching people how to write an effective opening chapter, and I'm sure you're aware of where they're at. :) For example, you could offer a link to the following article about writing the perfect opening paragraph:

 
FORUM
Inside or Outside Open in new Window. (18+)
Simple guidelines for creating effective openings for stories and scenes
#1829736 by Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈 Author IconMail Icon


AND Creativity & Presentation: structure, figurative language & vocabulary and rhythm & meter -> While I'm a far of great style, this contest is aimed at people who want to learn how to write a fantastic opening chapter. Therefore, I feel that telling them you'll be judging them on 'rhythm and meter' may scare some of them away. Not everybody is a poet what has great style, rhythm and meter, like what you do, so they may be intimidated by those two words at the end of an already exhaustive list.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Novel Workshop and Contestants of this Copetition, be advised: - What's a 'copetition':p


Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D

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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, {user: warpedsanity}

What an awesome poem from the heart!

What I liked

You've chosen a great structure to get your point across because of the two refrains which successfully emphasise the repeated errors made by "experts" throughout the child's life. I love the dual flow of the theme - both chronological in respect to the child's biography and also in terms of building up a casework of evidence why the "experts" are wrong. I love the initial connection with Einstein, pointing out that your son's potential was there from an early age and reminding readers that Einstein was once believe slow by experts. Great stuff!

What might need work

Comma after 'struggled in class' because two clauses with different grammatical subjects.

Also comma after 'speech was rushed' for same reason. This error is repeated throughout, so I won't mention it again. Check out Elements on Style. You can get old edition free online, and grammar hasn't changed. ;)

It may be my British English here, but I'd write 'have a clue' rather than 'take a clue'

Soon he’ll build for businesses and profit will grow
From those who once misunderstood and called him slow.

Those two lines read a little awkward to me. Perhaps:

Soon he’ll build for businesses, and profits will grow
Higher than those of experts who once called him slow.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D

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Review of Jane Austen  Open in new Window.
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello, Schnujo's Giving Away GPs Author IconMail Icon

Oh, Jane Austen. She was cool!

What I liked

I love that you're exploring the life of a landmark British writer. You do a great job of pointing our various milestones in her life. Thanks for the education.

What might need work

I felt there were a few things you could have done differently and other things you could have added both about her life and her later influence.

Your essay structure lacked a linear chronological flow. Instead of beginning with her achievements then going through the events of her life, consider running through her life story after the introductory paragraph and then listing the impact of her work at the very end.

There were elements of her life you glossed over, such as where she gained access to books or the fact that she could read and write at all in a time when not every farmer's daughter could. She had access to a particularly good library, which influenced her education. Also, you didn't mention her never getting married.

I was surprised you said she was influential from the 1940s. Charlotte Bronte read her books in the early 1800s (she was born 1816) and famously wrote that she didn't enjoy Austen's work because they lacked passion. I think her words were, "no heart". In 1929 Virginia Wolf published her landmark essay A Room of One's Own. Austen was one of the few writers Woolf singled out to mention in her essay, and she praised her for her "female sentences" and stated she was far superior to Charlotte Bronte. Wolf was a huge Austen fan.

You could also mention contemporary influences, such as Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Bride and Prejudice and Bridget Jones' Diary.

There was also recent upset in the UK when Kelly Clarkson bought a ring belonging to Austen and wanted to take it out of Britain. ;)

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D

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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Carol St.Ann 👓 Author IconMail Icon !

I adore limericks, too!

What I liked

I love how your feelings shine through in this short poem. It's clear you really mean what you're writing. I enjoyed your creative use of the structure. Your word choices were exquisite, especially 'arbor' at the end.

What might need work

There's nothing actually wrong with the poem that I can find to comment on, lol. However, I'll point out the obvious — which I'm sure you already know — that traditionally the final line either produces a humerous contradiction to what can before or somehow summarises it to reach a conclusion. I mean, every line in your Limerick is positive about John Yarber and so the concluding line merely continues that theme rather than moving away from it slightly, contradicting it, or summarising it.

The Limerick is a structure to support a logical progression, from introduction to conclusion.

Let's say, for example:

On this site you will find a book master,
and I doubt that there's any can best her.
For when Carol writes,
her pen is alight.
To catch her you'll have to write faster.


In this rough example, the opening line introduces the subject, then the second line introduces the 'conflict' ie. the proposition of the Limerick. The third and fourth lines prove the proposition, and then the final line is there to provide a conclusion and suggestion, that the reader will need to improve if they want to catch up to the Book Meister. ;)

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D

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Review of 10 Days of Spring  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Asha Moonfall - Plotting Book! Author IconMail Icon !

I enjoy a good fantasy yarn, so let's see what you've written. :)

What I liked

I like how you've timed her 'graduation' to spring, linking the season of growth to her coming maturity. The ominous, hidden meaning of the eye dream is a nice hook. I'm wondering what these 'Anastri' are — senior priests or a different race or species. There are lots of interesting setting elements to this introductory scene.

What might need work

There's a lot of aliteration in this narrative, so much that I wondered if it was deliberate. Personally, I don't mind a bit of poetic narrative. Done well, it's very entertaining. However, be aware of the 'clear window/stained glass window' principle. If you want to engage your readers in the story, it's necessary to use 'clear glass' prose that allows them to see through your words to the story beyond. However, it's fine to produce poetic narrative if that's what you're aiming for, but be aware that beautiful stained glass obscures the landscape behind it, and purple prose distracts the reader from the story.

In the opening, I thought there were two people involved because of the way the girl is introduced. It sounds as though a girl is attempting to wake up the sleeper, rather than a girl talking to herself. It took me a few sentences to realise there was just one person.


My overall feeling was that you're a writer very talented at taking metaphors and working them into your narrative, but that you must beware making the narrative all about the metaphor and forgetting to tell a story, if you catch my drift.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D

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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Vanishing Vapor Author IconMail Icon !

Another poem! (You really need to write some more short stories… perhaps even a novella! ;) )

What I liked

I love the refrain in this, the oxymoronic Oh Spring! In the winter of life,
It's just such a great contrast between the season of joy, growth and new life with the season of death, decay and endings, which of course is perfect for this bitter sweet poem which talks about the beauty of nature in spring but at the same time the sadness of life after one's soul mate has past. It's such a perfect line you've written that I can largely ignore the rest of the poem. This line does all the work!

I also love the cascading nature of the structure, where the refrain drops one line in each of the four stanzas. It's very effective, making the opening line also the closing line and emphasising it very well.


What might need work

I wasn't sold on the line Bittersweet, each angelic day,. I get what you mean by 'angelic' and it's a nice contrast to 'bittersweet', but i can't see how days can be angelic. Perhaps 'colorful day'?

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D

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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Vanishing Vapor Author IconMail Icon !

What fun! A trick or treat… a treat I hope. I'll tell you after I've read it! ;)

What I liked

I enjoyed the theme of this poem, and the end twist especially. The rhythme and rhyme was also great. I like that you made this poem a great story rather than just verse. Great stuff!

What might need work

An All Hollow’s Eve army… -> did you mean All Hallows' Eve?

Would frightened little children who would run into the night -> Would frighten little…

He has two new soul’s for company at his domicile in hell. -> He has two new souls for company at his domicile in Hell.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D

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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, JMcCulloch Author IconMail Icon

Interesting opening. :)

What I liked

I liked that your protagonist is a sympathetic character we can engage with from the beginning, and that the supernatural element and main conflict are clear from the very beginning. Your opening chapter was an enjoyable read.

What might need work

You say this is a rough draft, so I won't list the typos, but they are numerous.

Consider being clearer what genre this is in your classifications - dark and fiction don't exactly scream fantasy or ghost story.

Perhaps name and provide a gender for the protagonist earlier. I got through half the chapter still thinking she was a man. ;)

Also, maybe explain what kind of store it is in your initial setting. An occult shop would provide a much more interesting initial hook than someone walking into a shop and annoying a lazy sounding girl.

It's always a good idea to work some kind of strong hook into the opening paragraph. You have lots of great hooks later, like the murdered girl or her ghost seeing abilities, but hardly anything in the first half of the chapter.

I didn't find it plausible that she didn't recognise the girl at first. I mean, even though they stopped being friends, it sounds as though they were in the same schools, so she would have seen her around, and indeed there's a strong hint that she knows who she's married to.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D

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Review of Too Long  Open in new Window.
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Peaches Author IconMail Icon !

Your short story started really, really well. It was clear from the offset that something terrible was happening, and you set the scene well. The action began well, too. The pinch moment, when she had to pull you over the water pipe, was great.

However, you lost points on the ending because this reader cannot understand why, if the fire was on this side of the pipe and not the other, and was moving swiftly, how you actually survived and she didn't.

Also, the main thing that's missing is dialogue. If you want your protagonist to be truly sympathetic, it's best to give them a name. It's difficult to care what happens to a character if you don't know their name. So, in the beginning, some basic dialogue between Sarah and the protagonist would have allowed you to name him.

For example,

"Steve, the car," shouted Sarah.
I turned and saw my trusty old Mustang burst into flames. "Run, Sarah!"
"But—"
"Forget it. I can replace anything except you."

Thank you for sharing.

Best wishes,

Bob :D




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Hello, BlueMoon Author IconMail Icon

There are a lot of interesting things going on in your story, and Riley is quite a sympathetic character.

Personally, I cannot imagine waiting outside a door fifteen minutes to see if it would be opened or not, lol.

The ending was a tad abrupt and unsatisfactory. It seemed to lack any form of resolution. I'd like to know where this search led. Or, is this only the first part of a longer story?

A few notes:

The only inclination was in the letter she mysteriously received -> Did you mean 'indication'?

Not seeing who let in, -> missing word, who let her in

I suspect it may just be the two of us my dear -> comma before person addressed, ie. …the two of us, my dear.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D





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Hello Vanishing Vapor Author IconMail Icon !

My initial feeling about this poem is there are some great metaphors that are utilised very effectively to show the intense emotions you wish to express. There's great strength to the emotions, and the reader really gets a feeling for your pain. The flow of the poem is great because it follows logically from the split (forgive me, but I'm presuming the loss of a loved one here) to the feelings this split generated in the protagonist, to the eventual effect of the event on the future wellfare of the protagonist.

But, part of my job is to point out where I feel improvements can be made.

First, I note a change of tense from the fourth to the fifth line, from past tense to present. This tense change is confusing because the fifth line implies that the 'watering' still continues. Perhaps, 'I depended upon you…' in past tense.

Personally, and this may only be me, I felt the range of metaphors used in the poem were too wide. All were good, but they went from one end of the spectrum to another. I feel it might be stronger if you kept within a narrower range of images.

For example, the opening analogy of an amputation was fantastic, but then in line five the whole theme changes to one of plants being watered. Why not retain the original idea and find something there that relates closer to the idea of amputation.

Say, an image of blood pumping through that limb and nourishing it, but now the limb is deprived of that nutrition (love/caring) and so now shrivels for lack of that union, followed by the idea that the limb has no purpose without the body to direct it or without its function to provide food/comfort/love whatever to the body from which is was amputated.

Obviously, following those thoughts, you'd have a very different poem. However, it's just what came to my mind as I read.

Thanks again for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob :D





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Hello again, Zeke!

I love the wholeness of this poem, if you follow the direction of my thoughts. I mean, you begin with the sunrise and end with the sunset, so it's clear that your wife is the Alpha and Omega of your life, which you spell out quite clearly in the line 'You are my life.' There's no ambiguity in this poem; it's clear what you mean, and every technique employed in writing it points to how you worship your wife in thoughts and deeds.

I hesitate to suggest any changes because there's a beauty in this simplicity of this piece. I mean, you might consider a little more variation in sentence construction and vocabulary, since the same words and phrasese are repeated througout, but the repeated phrases add to the strength of the structure, so it's swings and roundabouts as to whether more complex and exact wording would actually improve this or not.

Thank you for sharing.

Best wishes,

Bob :D




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