Hello, Blake  
Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion — it is but one.
When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.
Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?
Your opening paragraph contains a hook at the end, with the question raised about why Remy has been invited to the hotel, but the reader must first wade through eight sentences of description before the question is introduced and it isn't clarified until the end of the paragraph. Although setting and character introductions are important, the initial hook is more so. I feel you'd be better off introducing Remy and the basic setting in one sentence in brief, then introducing your hook, or at least making the opening paragraph much, much shorter. Eight sentences of description with no conflict whatsoever will not engage readers.
Characters — are they well rounded?
Remy is really well developed. The antagonist less well so. It seems strange that a man wealthy enough to regularly rent large portions of this hotel would do his own rubbish removal, lol.
Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?
I like the resolution, but the ending was a little implausible in that if the basement of a plush hotel contained twenty corpses that stank in the center of NYC, I think that it would be noticed.
Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
The story dragged a bit. That was mainly due to excessively verbose narrative. See below.
Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?
The narrative is clear, but it's overly descriptive (for me - some people like this) and uses far too many adjectives and adverbs. See suggestions below.
Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building?
Dialogue is great. No issues there.
Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?
The settings are very clear. Too clear to an extent since things are overemphasised. However, more sensory information would be nice, such as the smell of wood polish or a more explicit description of the stench of rotting flesh at the end of the story.
Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
The premise is good. It's cool that the reader never learns what the antagonist's big secret is.
Suggestions — a few ideas for possible improvement.
Okay. A few more specific notes about adjectives/adverbs and that kinda stuff…
The marble floor glimmered brightly and looked as if its expensive tiles had just been meticulously cleaned. - okay. I'm taking this sentence as an example because it's a minefield of 'problems'. The biggest problem is a 'show/tell' issue. 'The marble floor glimmered' shows the reader that the floor has recently been cleaned. 'just been meticulously cleaned' tells the reader that the floor has recently been cleaned. So, you're saying exactly the same thing over twice, making the sentence twice as long as it needs to be. Then there's the adjective issue. Glimmered means something is bright. So, why say 'brightly' after glimmered? Then 'meticulously'. If they glimmer, we know they've been well cleaned. if you want to say 'meticulously cleaned' then 'polished' would say the same thing. 'expensive tiles'. Well, you've said it's 'marble'. I think that pretty much sums it up. To say 'expensive tiles' is again just repeating that information.
In the corners, bright screened TV’s droned on with repetitive information about the current election season - this potentially could be great temporal setting if you said which election. Because I'm reading this now, I assumed the story was set this year. You didn't show anything to contradict this assumption until I was halfway through the story. At that point you broke my suspension of disbelief by telling me it was actually in the seventies. If you'd said the name of the presidential candidates here, it would have immediately established the time frame for the reader and avoided that issue.
Now 20 years’ old, his future looked as black and grim as his hair. - smaller numbers in narrative should be expressed in words not figures. No need for the possessive apostrophe after years.
he purchased a one-way bus ticket to the big apple. - Big Apple is a name, so capitalise.
I wasn't sure about the existence of a Marriott hotel in NYC in 1974. I have no local knowledge, but am aware the Marriott chain only began in 1957 and not in NYC, so it may need checking.
Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
If the story were tighter, it would be great. As it is, it's too slow paced between plot points and so will put off readers, imho. Don't forget, though, that this is only one opinion. Some people love lots of description.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing.
Best wishes,
Bob 
  |
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
I also like your presentation, with a font that resembles handwriting. Your story was really cute and even carried a moral, though it won't stop me eating chocolate. In fact, I think that when I grow up I aspire to be a chocolate troll and live in their chocolate hole and eat everyone's chocolate, just like they do!
