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765 Public Reviews Given
968 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
When I review an item, the criticism offered aims to address the main problems I personally feel the writer has at the moment. So, if I critique a story that is full of typos, lacks a clear plot and a sympathetic character, I'll tend to ignore the typos and focus on how the writer can craft a better plot and protagonist, while if the story is near perfect yet full of typos, I'll focus on the typos. I don't enjoy reviewing poetry. This isn't because I don't enjoy poetry, but because poetry is a very personal statement of feelings, and it's difficult to comment on such without upsetting the author.
I'm good at...
Critiquing opening chapters and offering advice on hook, character development, plot development and initial setting. In real life, I love to read novels, so I particularly enjoy reviewing opening chapters.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, sci-fi, speculative and historical fiction — I especially love time travel and YA fantasy/sci-fi
Least Favorite Genres
Poetry, erotica, romance, crime, thrillers, horror
Favorite Item Types
opening chapters and short stories
Least Favorite Item Types
poetry, lyrics, interactive stories
I will not review...
Your shopping list. Anything else goes. *Bigsmile*
Public Reviews
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176
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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Chris Breva Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

The theme you have going here is original and really cool. I love the idea of Frosty being in love with a neighbouring snow woman and your wonderfully tragic resolution. Fantastic!

Your flow and rhyming scheme correctly follows the layout of a Shakespearian sonnet.

What might need work

Yet he watched as his love one melted away. - here I believe you meant "loved one".

You may need to brush up a little on what iambic pentameter actually means. It's not just ten syllables to a line; it's also the majority of the stresses falling upon the second syllable in each foot. When written perfectly, lines in iambic pentameter will have this rhythm: "and one, and two, and three, and four, and five," with a clear division of iambs ( one unstressed syllable followed by one stressed syllable) into five (penta) metric feet (meter).

Take the following two lines from your poem:

He felt his heart become chocolate fudge
Yet he could not utter one little sound.

The stresses on these lines flow as follows:

. - / . - / . - / - . /. -
-. / . - / - . / . - / . -

Where . represents unstressed syllable and - represents stressed. As you can see, while most of your feet are iambs ( / . - / ), three feet are trochees ( / - . / ), ie. trochaic feet. I used the website How Many Syllables to check the long word stresses:

https://www.howmanysyllables.com/words/chocolate

https://www.howmanysyllables.com/words/utter

It's absolutely fine to start a line of iambic pentameter with a trochaic foot (that's common in poetry) but the later part of the line should be pure iambs.

Frosty fell so in love with her that day - scanning this line, I hear: / - . / - . / . - / - . / - - /

I hope this helps.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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177
177
Review of Winter Chill  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Chris Breva Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

To say you wrote this under time pressure, it's really good. You chose excellent opening words and your end rhymes were strong. I liked your winter warmth theme a lot!

What might need work

To be honest, the poem is great as it is. The only change I'd suggest is evening out the syllable count. You're already very close to that since the majority of lines are nine syllables long, but you could make this sound smoother if you made them all nine syllables. If you wanted to work on this a lot, I'd also suggest changing it to a metered rhythm, though that's not necessary.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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178
178
for entry "A Gift For The World!Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Lisa Noe Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

I really liked your poem - it has a wonderful theme and great structure.

What might need work

Though the whole poem has wonderful flow, there were a few things that caused me to pause listed below:

It’s worth more than anything that sales - typo on end. I believe you meant "sells".

Is plenty enough to give me a thrill - give me my thrills would rhyme with "frills". Often when a plural is formed then the rhyme is weakened or even sometimes lost.

It’s better than the hell you got elsewhere. - "elsewhere" doesn't rhyme with "here". You may like to rethink this line or the preceding one.

http://www.rhymezone.com/r/rhyme.cgi?Word=here&typ...

A foster child whose lost his way - who's

He’s only know fighting, pushing and shove. - consider: He’s only knows fight, push and shove. - to make grammatically correct.

But not always is he able to deliver. - "silver" doesn't rhyme with " deliver" so you might like to rethink these lines. You might like to capitalise "He" so that it's obvious whom you're speaking about.

http://www.rhymezone.com/r/rhyme.cgi?Word=silver&t...

Just as a millstone he’s promised to hurl. - Again, "world" and "hurl" don't rhyme, though "hurled" does. Consider: Just like a millstone He has hurled.

http://www.rhymezone.com/r/rhyme.cgi?Word=World&ty...

We destroy the gift that God has bestowed
The world is his finest and most perfect show. - "bestow" rhymes with "show". When you add an inflection, it doesn't. Consider rephrasing.

http://www.rhymezone.com/r/rhyme.cgi?Word=Show&typ...

He wants us to protect it, not tare it apart. - typo. I believe you meant "tear"

Hope these comments help. Merry Christmas!

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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179
Review of Oh pay, oh pay  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Chris Breva Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

The premise of your Carol is marvellous. There is a lot of potential here to create a song with impact.

What might need work

If you want your lyrics to match the assigned tune, you really have to pay attention to the number of syllables there are in each line of the song and where the important stresses lay.

"Noel" contains two syllables, but "Black Friday" contains three. You cannot substitute one for the other. Similarly, "in fields where they lay" is five syllables, but "as we all had to pay" is six.

It wouldn't be too difficult to adjust what you've already written to match the traditional tune. For example:

That Christmas toy
The cashiers did say
Was a rip off for parents
But we had to pay.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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180
180
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Chris Breva Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

This is a really sweet sonnet. I love how you have the girl doll plead with the boy to play with her. It's a very original idea.

What might need work

You seem unsure whether or not to use speech marks. Since the whole sonnet is the spoken plea of the angel doll, I really don't think you need speech marks at all.

A traditional Shakesperian sonnet would have the rhyming scheme ABAB CDCD EFEF GG, but you use AABB CCDD EEFF GG. Nothing wrong with a bit of variation on the theme, but I thought I ought to point out the variance.

Another difference is that you're not using the same metre on each line, and many lines are not written in iambic pentameter. If you wanted this to be in traditional iambic pentameter, then the stresses on the syllables in every line would follow the sound pattern: "and one, and two, and three, and four, and five," for example:

I am a doll and yet I am alive.
I need your love in order to survive.
Please pick me up and play awhile with me;
That's why he put me underneath your tree.

If you're unsure where the main stresses arise on some of the words, this site is very useful:

https://www.howmanysyllables.com

I know you'd rather have something else boy - you need a comma before "boy", because he's being addressed by the doll.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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181
181
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Chris Breva Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

I liked that you tackled a form I'm unfamiliar with and used good rhymes. I liked that you expressed emotion.

What might need work

It came across a little sexist, implying you love a lady because she's there at your "beck and call", lol.

I will love you and hold you each - this ending doesn't make sense and also doesn't match the rhyming scheme. Is something missing?

Do not feel I am talking sublime - I don't understand this sentence. Maybe it's just me, lol.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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182
182
Review of The Last Hello  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Jade Amber Jewel Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

Welcome to WDC! I just read your dad's impressive entry to the Carol writing contest and thought I'd take a look at yours, too. This was an imaginative take on a well known and well loved Carol. Well done!

What might need work

Think about the notes in the tune and the words in the original song. Try and ensure the natural stresses in your words fall where they do in the original lyrics at key points. Also, try to keep the number of syllables in each line the same as in the original song so that it's easy to sing your lyrics with that tune.

This site may help you as it tells you how many syllables are in a word and which ones are stressed:

https://www.howmanysyllables.com

Take the line: "The Angels did say". The stresses hers are on "ang" and "say". But in your line "everyone did say" although you have the correct number of syllables, the stresses fall on "eve", "one" and "say" making it difficult to sing along to the original tune.

when all the people folk - this doesn't contain the same number of syllables as "was to certain poor shepherds" and I'm not entirely sure what you mean by " people folk". Consider rewriting that line to better match the tune.

Since you enjoy writing poetry, consider joining: "The Poet's Place Open in new Window. and also think about possibly entering some contests, like: "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. and "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem ContestOpen in new Window.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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183
183
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Jay O'Toole Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

Very good employment of traditional hymn meter. You needn't have made every line rhyme - traditional common meter only makes the trimetric lines rhyme - but you went the whole hog, which is impressive. I like the old world feel of your carol.

What might need work

If you're going to employ Early Modern English, ensure you use it throughout. Don't leave in any "you" or " your" unless they are plurals. For the plural form, don't forget you can also use "ye" as in "God rest ye, merry gentlemen".

Though miss we do you're loving face - I think you meant "your" but " thy" would be better anyway, and again in the following line.

"Word" does not rhyme with "Lord".

His Grace too large to ever end - consider "grace too great" for alliteration.

He died for world of sinful men, - consider " He died in place of sinful men" or "He died instead of sinful men"

Since you enjoy writing poetry, consider joining: "The Poet's Place Open in new Window. if you're not already a member.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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184
184
Review of A Christmas Story  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Chris Breva Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

Wow, that's even darker than The Fairytale of New York!

I do like the darkness, the rhythm and rhyme in your song.

What might need work

On reading, I wondered what tune you had in mind for this song. I couldn't help but notice that the syllable count was very varied throughout the verses, so matching it to a specific tune seemed difficult. Many hymns/traditional Church carols are written in common meter (alternating lines of iambic tetrameter and iambic trimeter, ie. four iambic feet followed by three iambic feet), and that seems closest to what you have, but you're not quite there. Perhaps there was a particular tune you had in mind?

In the opening verse, it appears Jimmy is a child. In the final verse, he acts like and is legally treated like an adult. Between the two there's no mention of a passage of time. Consider showing that he's growning up during the course of your carol.

Oh it wasn't his choice to be on this earth. - capitalize Earth.

The ending kinda ignored due process, with the poor guy going straight from arrest to execution. To make that part of your story more plausible, consider either clearly setting this in the past when 'lynch mob justice' and capital punishment were standard, or alternatively making a clear break between the time of arrest and the time of execution, but having the judge sentence him to hang/fry on Christmas Day (if that's plausible) or possibly Christmas Eve (probably more plausible).

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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185
185
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Legerdemain Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

Congratulations on getting this story into today's "Short Stories Newsletter (December 7, 2016)Open in new Window.

I really love the twist in this story. It's fantastic.

What might need work

There were two things that felt non sequitur to me. The first was his assumption his uncle wanted him to spy. However, I may have misread that. Was he exclaiming that his uncle wanted him to be a spy or stating that his uncle had spied on him? It was unclear to me. Second, his statement that if he found the painting had been stolen then he would steal it back and then sell it didn't match very well with his constant claims that he never intended to steal it.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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186
186
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Soulraider Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

This is an interesting summary of the evolution of life on Earth. It explains the key phases of that process from the beginning to the dominance of mammals.

What might need work

It's a lot to take in as one big paragraph. Consider breaking this into themed paragraphs, grouping the information you wish to communicate by clear phases, eg. Precambrian, Palaeozoic, Mesozoic, Cenozoic, maybe using those as headers for each. Bring in dates to help the reader understand the vast time scale off this process, eg. the Earth was formed roughly five billion years ago, but life began around two billion years ago, and the first clear fossils appeared 542 million years ago so marking the beginning of the Palaeozoic.

Since this is an article, consider citing some sources for your information, even if it's vague, such as "geologists have discovered" or "palaeontologists have unearthed fossils" etc. Consider naming some specific plant and animal types, such as the first appearance of fish, the first land animals, the first birds etc. Mention other key facts, such as the barrier between Mesozoic and Cenozoic being marked by an extinction level catastrophe believed to be a meteor strike that led to the extinction of ninety-nine percent of species on Earth, including most dinosaurs, providing the opportunity for the explosion of mammalian species in the Cenozoic.

Also mention more about conditions. You do mention the production of oxygen by proto-plants, but this would have been clearer if you'd mentioned the higher percentages of carbon dioxide before this. Talk about the organic soup, ie. the conditions necessary for the first appearance of life, such as water and certain minerals and chemicals present in that water, and the key role of carbon with its unique ability to form four chemical bonds and Benzine rings essential for organic chemicals to exist.

Link all this to modern concerns to make it more relevant to people, eg. by stressing the importance of the delicate balance in the environment at each stage in the evolutionary process.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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187
187
Review of Blank Pages  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, w0lfbane Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

I liked the flow of your sonnet and the reversal you achieved in your final couplet. Nicely done.

What might need work

The Spenserian Sonnet was a development from his Spenserian Stanzas and so used the same basic metre , ie. iambic pentametre.

http://www.sonnets.org/basicforms.htm

Your poem abandons this meter. If you want to make your poem a true Spenserian sonnet then you need to adjust that. Take your opening stanza as an example.

I opened the book, its pages were blank.
On the desk beside the inkwell.
The quill still in its tank.
I flipped through and its pages fell.

I scan this as:

. - / . . - / . - / . . -
- . - / . - / . - .
. - / . - / . -
. - / - . / . - / . -

Where . Is an unstressed and - is a stressed syllable. However, in iambic pentameter, each line should be five beats long, with each beat containing an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed one. Sometimes a line may begin with a trochaic foot (ie. the stresses reversed) but there will always be five feet, even when there's a feminine end, such as in the famous line "To be / or not / to be / that is / the question.

So, each line shoul scan as . - / . - / . - / . - / . -

If your opening quatrain were written in iambic pentameter, it might look something like:

I opened up the book but found it blank
Upon the desk beside my pot of ink.
Although the quill stood ready in its tank,
Yet nothing came to mind that I could think.

Try reading my version aloud and slowly; hopefully you'll hear the stresses.

Iambic pentameter sounds like "and one, and two, and three, and four, and five." Try reading that aloud and you'll hear it, I suspect.

There's a website where you can look up the number of syllable in a word and its stress patterns which might help you to write iambic feet.

https://www.howmanysyllables.com

I hope this helps.

Since you enjoy writing poetry, consider joining: "The Poet's Place Open in new Window. if you're not already a member.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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188
188
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Dave Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

What a wonderful poem. I love the structure and the emotions injected into your story, especially the resolution. I love the structure.

What might need work

I didn't see any real problems with your poem, hence the rating. I did think that 'stagnant' might work better than 'putrid' because urine can't technically be putrid, but like the assonance with 'u', though 'stagnant' goes well with 'scent' to my ears. It also struck me that the fires are in oil drums rather than barrels, though again the barrel/fire 're' assonance is cool.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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189
189
Review of Becoming Zombie  Open in new Window.
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello, Hyperiongate Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

Congratulations for getting this in "Short Stories Newsletter (November 30, 2016)Open in new Window.

This was a wonderfully funny short story. I particularly liked how you showed the kids' behaviour through the teachers speech, such as Tommy with the stolen arm and Gomez with his missing hand.

What might need work

I thought you missed the opportunity for a nice twist at the end if they'd all been sneaking up on Miss Gladys to eat her brain.

You wrote "Gladys shook her heard" but I'm sure you meant "head".

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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190
190
Review of Never, says I...  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Donya Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

I loved the repetition in your poem, and the catchy rhythm it generated. I also like the reversal in your concluding line, that after saying so many things about hanging on to an obviously lost love you then express acceptance of that loss and surprise that you hung on for so long. I also liked the internal rhyme in the second line. Great stuff.

What might need work

I've got no big suggestions for improvement except to say that if you carefully examine your lines then you'll find a few places where you could strengthen the poetry. For example:

Tales you spun, telling of your fidelity to me. - if you wrote 'fables of your fidelity to me' then you'd bring in some nice alliteration.

Never, says I, will I fall in deep slumber,
To live the life of adventure with you.
- a life of adventure doesn't really follow on from 'slumber', but if you wrote 'to life a life of fantasy with you' it would tie in better, though you'd have to change 'Of hope and dreams of fantasies come true' to something like 'Of promises of dreams come true.

Personally, I'd like to learn a little more about that 'wicked queen'. Is she a personification of the evil inherrent in the fariy brew, or is she a real person within the context of your story-poem?

Since you enjoy writing poetry, consider joining: "The Poet's Place Open in new Window. and also think about possibly entering some other contests, like: "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. and "Newbies ONLY Short Story & Poem ContestOpen in new Window.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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191
191
Review of Chocolate Patrol  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Lady Elf Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

I love anything where the word 'chocolate' comes into play. That's what attracted me to read this. *Wink* I also like your presentation, with a font that resembles handwriting. Your story was really cute and even carried a moral, though it won't stop me eating chocolate. In fact, I think that when I grow up I aspire to be a chocolate troll and live in their chocolate hole and eat everyone's chocolate, just like they do!

What might need work

Please don't make any changes until the story poem contest is over, but here are a few thoughts.

He gurgled at me "are you Mrs. Smith,

For leave this house until we are done,

Eating your chocolate and having fun".
- Since this is speech, you need to punctuate it accordingly. So, for example:

He gurgled at me, "Are you Mrs. Smith?

Please leave this house until we are done,

Eating your chocolate and having fun." - however, there's another issue with the speech marks at the end. You see, if each stanza is treated as a different paragraph of speech by the same speaker then technically only the last paragraph/stanza of the speech would have a closing speech mark. When speech goes over several paragraphs, the standard is to begin each paragraph of the speech with opening speech marks, but end each paragraph witout speech marks, except for the last paragraph, which has speech marks.

"Way hey hey, were the chocolate trolls, - we're

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, TopHatBanjo Author IconMail Icon

Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion — it is but one.


When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Your second paragraph introduced a really good hook about Ben having seen something. It would be great if you can work that into your opening paragraph somehow to create a hook there, but it's already pretty good where it is.

Characters — are they well rounded?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Your two characters are both very well developed. The only thing that concerned me was that much of the development was "told" rather than "shown" by which I mean there was a lot of backstory going on for such a short piece.


Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

The main element of the plot, the idea Ben has seen something he shouldn't have and now some sinister dudes are going to make him disappear, is great. The element of this which concerned me a little was the "inciting incident". I mean, the event happened during his childhood, so why did the "alien" guys leave him alone for thirty years or so and suddenly descend on him now? What's made him more aware of them now? I get that it's something he saw thirty years ago and now they want to get him, but why now on both sides?

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star* *HalfStar*

The action is nicely placed, but the "told" stretches of backstory you fit in slow it down a lot. I mean, it's sometimes like a list. Charlie was a bad boy. Charlie was a marine. Charlie was a cop. If you read your favourite sci-fi author, note how she or he fits in the back story. Probably it's as the story develops. For example, consider: Charlie reaches for his whisky, but a twinge of pain in his spine makes him flinch. Even five years after his medical discharge from the force, he'd not fully recovered from that bullet wound from a fifteen-year-old, wannabe gangster. And: Walking down the dark street took him back to his days in the marines when he'd walked patrols through the center of X and every window and doorway was a potential threat. Just try an bring in the backstory alongside actions rather than simply thrown in like an "infodump", if you follow my reasoning.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

The actual voice of the narration is great. However, be careful about viewpoint. I'm not sure if you were aiming for an omniscient viewpoint or not, but in the second paragraph I got the impression that this story was going to be told from Ben's viewpoint because of the following sentence: “Charlie,” Ben said, looking around nervously, half expecting a dark-suited CIA operative to be behind him, talking into his sleeve The information communicated could only be known by Ben, so it makes the reader believe that everything after this is going to be from Ben's point of view. However, that soon shifts as you begin talking about Ben's accent, and then the whole story is really from Charlie's viewpoint. Perhaps you should ensure that only information known to Ben is contained in the narrative and so maintain strict third person limited viewpoint.

Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

They have really distinct voices. To be honest, you may have gone overboard explaining Ben's accent because within the viewpoint of the two characters it wouldn't have been noticable and so they wouldn't have thought about it. Information provided in narrative should really only be what the characters would naturally think about as events unfold. That's one of the elements of "shown" storytelling.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

The settings are really well developed.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star* *HalfStar*

There was nothing particularly original that stood out, but the overall idea of a creepy otherworld with sinister plans is a good enough theme for me.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Your actual core plot and characters were great. However, I feel you need to do a lot less telling and restrict your narrative more to the viewpoint of the characters. Omniscient is fine, just so long as the viewpoint is consistent. But personally I'd go for limited third person from Charlie's viewpoint to make the events more powerful since you'd get a slower revelation of what's going on that way.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*


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Review of The Offer  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Blake Author IconMail Icon

Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion — it is but one.


When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.

Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?

*Star**Star**Star**Star*

Your opening paragraph contains a hook at the end, with the question raised about why Remy has been invited to the hotel, but the reader must first wade through eight sentences of description before the question is introduced and it isn't clarified until the end of the paragraph. Although setting and character introductions are important, the initial hook is more so. I feel you'd be better off introducing Remy and the basic setting in one sentence in brief, then introducing your hook, or at least making the opening paragraph much, much shorter. Eight sentences of description with no conflict whatsoever will not engage readers.

Characters — are they well rounded?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Remy is really well developed. The antagonist less well so. It seems strange that a man wealthy enough to regularly rent large portions of this hotel would do his own rubbish removal, lol.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

I like the resolution, but the ending was a little implausible in that if the basement of a plush hotel contained twenty corpses that stank in the center of NYC, I think that it would be noticed.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

The story dragged a bit. That was mainly due to excessively verbose narrative. See below.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

The narrative is clear, but it's overly descriptive (for me - some people like this) and uses far too many adjectives and adverbs. See suggestions below.

Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Dialogue is great. No issues there.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

The settings are very clear. Too clear to an extent since things are overemphasised. However, more sensory information would be nice, such as the smell of wood polish or a more explicit description of the stench of rotting flesh at the end of the story.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

The premise is good. It's cool that the reader never learns what the antagonist's big secret is.

Suggestions — a few ideas for possible improvement.

Okay. A few more specific notes about adjectives/adverbs and that kinda stuff…

The marble floor glimmered brightly and looked as if its expensive tiles had just been meticulously cleaned.
- okay. I'm taking this sentence as an example because it's a minefield of 'problems'. The biggest problem is a 'show/tell' issue. 'The marble floor glimmered' shows the reader that the floor has recently been cleaned. 'just been meticulously cleaned' tells the reader that the floor has recently been cleaned. So, you're saying exactly the same thing over twice, making the sentence twice as long as it needs to be. Then there's the adjective issue. Glimmered means something is bright. So, why say 'brightly' after glimmered? Then 'meticulously'. If they glimmer, we know they've been well cleaned. if you want to say 'meticulously cleaned' then 'polished' would say the same thing. 'expensive tiles'. Well, you've said it's 'marble'. I think that pretty much sums it up. To say 'expensive tiles' is again just repeating that information.

In the corners, bright screened TV’s droned on with repetitive information about the current election season
- this potentially could be great temporal setting if you said which election. Because I'm reading this now, I assumed the story was set this year. You didn't show anything to contradict this assumption until I was halfway through the story. At that point you broke my suspension of disbelief by telling me it was actually in the seventies. If you'd said the name of the presidential candidates here, it would have immediately established the time frame for the reader and avoided that issue.

Now 20 years’ old, his future looked as black and grim as his hair.
- smaller numbers in narrative should be expressed in words not figures. No need for the possessive apostrophe after years.

he purchased a one-way bus ticket to the big apple. - Big Apple is a name, so capitalise.

I wasn't sure about the existence of a Marriott hotel in NYC in 1974. I have no local knowledge, but am aware the Marriott chain only began in 1957 and not in NYC, so it may need checking.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

If the story were tighter, it would be great. As it is, it's too slow paced between plot points and so will put off readers, imho. Don't forget, though, that this is only one opinion. Some people love lots of description.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*


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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, April Desiree-I'm back! Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

Great rhyming scheme and meter throughout. The theme was clear and the resolution good. There was a logical flow throughout your poem, so I had no problem grasping what you were trying to say. You make good use of nature to generate metaphorical explanations/exprssions of your feelings.

It's a great poem.

What might need work

The opening stanza confuses at two points.

First, the end line 'thus is my crutch'. 'Thus' is one of those words rarely used in coloquial speech. The whole rest of the poem uses everyday language that anyone might say, even the dragon slaying since this is the age of video games and GoT. It feels, therefore, kinda forced when you use 'thus' there, as if you just wanted to make the meter work and so threw in that one weird word to make it so. Also, it kinda doesn't make sense, since according to this stanza you haven't met 'you' yet, so how can they be your crutch?

Second, it's in the present tense, so when the reader enters the second stanza and you go into past tense, it throws them. You've just told the listener 'I haven't met you' and then suddenly it's obvious that you have met 'you' in the past which is weird.

Both issues could easily be cleared up by changing the opening stanza to past tense like in the following rough example (which is only for the benefit of demonstration; I'm not attempting to hijack your beautiful poem).

The night birds sang
their chipper tune
as I laid in bed
during a warm June,
but my lonely love
yearned for your touch.
I had yet to find you…
now you're my crutch.


By swapping into present tense in the final line, you prepare the reader for the present tense in the rest of the poem and prevent a confusion occuring when it appears the person you haven't met has already been met, if you catch my drift.

As an aside, note that if you want to use and emdash rather than two hyphens, hold down 'alt' on your keypad while typing in sequence 0151 then release 'alt' and — will appear.

If you did this, you'd have to adjust the second stanza to begin something like…

On one October eve,
a Saturday,
I crossed your path;


Note that in your poem, you then change tense in the same sentence…

you lead me away
to a land of passion


So, the first part of the sentence was past tense, 'crossed your path', but the second is present 'you lead me away' (I'd go for astray, lol *Wink*) which is not only confusing but grammatically incorrect. Perhaps just change the tense of the second bit?

you led me away
to a land of passion



The third stanza is perfect! *ThumbsUpL*

The forth stanza, I feel 'sword' would be better than 'swords', unless Andre is a samurai sword freak with a huge collection. *Wink*

Also, the whole thing about grabbing your swords to kill dragons seems a bit out of theme compared to the rest of the poem, though it has the great advantage of adding character and perhaps personalisation, if Andre is either a big fantasy or gaming fan and you often play video games together or write fantasy together.

Anyroad, I hope my random thoughts assist. My only real concern was the confusing shift in tenses through the poem. The other comments are just niggles.

Since you enjoy writing poetry, consider joining: "The Poet's Place Open in new Window. if you're not already a member.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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195
195
Review of Spammed Insanity  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
Hello, Prosperous Snow celebrating Author IconMail Icon

I've come along to see what you've entered into {bitem:"Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

What I liked

My favourite bit of your spammy verse was: "" Wham! Bam! Cans of spam!" Excellent line!

Your story had a great logical flow, and I like that only Hormel could save the day.

The cascading structure was also pretty cool.

This gets a well deserved single, shiny *Star* in accordance with the contest guidelines "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. *Smile*

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
Hello, {user:

What I liked

You managed to get in lots of stuff from the prompt as well as plenty of spam! Well done. *Smile*

But most of all, I loved the form. I'm a villanelle fan. In fact, there's two in my poetry folder. So, I was happy to find a villanelle in this contest.

What might need work

Nothing! This poem was spamtastic!

In the spirit of the contest, I shall award you 1*Star*

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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197
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Review of TIME SLIP  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Kyle Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

You have an awesome premise. Of course, it reminds me of The Time Traveller's Wife, since he also time travels like this and feels nauseous after a jump. However, your story is original in that he usually travels to significant historical events.

What might need work

No one else had seemed to notice that the car's parked along the street - cars, no possessive apostrophe.

My legs were wobbly, thighs were on fire and I felt like my heart was beating at a million miles per hour. - there's actually nothing wrong with using the continuous past tense, but it's not always nesessary, and can become distracting in a longer sentence. Consider a more active voice here, eg. My legs wobbled, my thighs burned, and my heart beat at a million miles per hour.

. I slumped down on my couch and flicked on the T.V, it was almost time for my favourite TV show - I don't think you really need to stick periods into such a well used acronym as TV, but if you do then be consistent and use both periods and in every use, ie. on the T.V., it was... and ...favourite T.V. show. Noting that you use British spelling, however, I'd recommend no full stops in acronyms.

That had to of been the greatest game ever played!" - That had to have been, or, That must have been - but since his travels always take him to the same location's past, why would two other cities' teams be playing in his city? And which city is he in anyway. With the British spelling, I'd assumed England before you mentioned NFL.

Normally there's taxi's all over the place, - taxis, no possessive apostrophe

Maybe what happened in my episode was just my brains way of - here brain's needs a possessive apostrophe! *Laugh*

You mention work and coworkers, but never say what his job is. What he actually does could help round out his character for the reader.

luckily the pub we had went to was only a short walk from there. - had gone to

Where he could have gone," - Where could he have gone? Question mark

. They were at a lost to explain - a loss

Him dying of old age is a really great idea, but wouldn't there be more signs of this in the lead up, such as his hair turning grey and wrinkles, and maybe the doctors diagnosing his condition as premature aging before he dies?

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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Review of The Little One  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, SisterCrow Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

I love the ending. It's a great twist.

I like the setting. It's really cool. Did they say 'autumn' rather than 'fall' back then? I'm sure they did, and that's just part of your setting.

What might need work

A few thoughts I had while reading:

Why have you set up the item as a folder rather than a normal static item?

I'd really like to know more about what baby bro looks like. Equine features? Does that mean he's like Pegasus? Surely you can tell us more, I'm intrigued.

You end fifty percent of the sentences in speech with an exclamation mark. Perhaps use a few less. The more you use them, the less impact they carry.

She giggled and pretended to object a shake of her head. — did you mean, …object, shaking her head. ?

I’m in love with a Leeds, — I don't understand what this means. What's a Leeds? Is that his surname? having read on, I see that it's his family name. Perhaps make that clearer here, eg. I'm in love with a member of the infamous Leeds family.

Mr. Thompson even promised me position when I---” — you don't have to use three hyphens in a row. You can get an emdash by holding down the 'alt' button and then pressing 0151 on the numeric pad to give you—. Did you mean, …promised me a position?

Sarah had never seen to the Leeds home — did you mean 'never been to' ?

There was bound to be tall tales. — were, not was

Richard knew this day would come — this line is a head hop to Richard's PoV, but more importantly perhaps, it spoils the twist at the end. You see, as soon as I read that, i knew Richard had a dark secret, I just didn't know what that secret might be.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Jenny Leigh Author IconMail Icon

What I liked

I saw that you'd entered Salloween's Newbie + Poetry contest and thought I'd take a glance.

I read this as a metaphor for acceptance of diversity in modern society, and as such very clever. I like the structure you've employed and the rhyming scheme. This is a cool piece of verse!

What might need work

The line "Watch the sword swallowed with amaze " isn't grammatically correct, but "watch him swallow swords and amaze" would be.

You rhyme the lines "Snakes, spiders, and two headed things" and "Step right up, step right in, It's time to begin" but "things" and " begin" don't rhyme. Consider: "...the show now begins."

Since you enjoy writing poetry, consider joining: "The Poet's Place Open in new Window. if you haven't already.

Thank you for sharing!

Best wishes,

Bob *BigSmile*

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200
200
Review of Know Thine Enemy  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter 1Open in new Window.
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello, CanImagine Author IconMail Icon

Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion — it is but one.


When approaching your story, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.

I've only read your opening chapter, but I can already tell you that I think your writing is wonderful. This is the best opening chapter I've read so far on this site.

Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your story?

*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Excellent opening hook! It struck me that klaxons might not actually be necessary on a future ship if people had internal communications, but it was certainly great for creating the atmosphere, so when the klaxons blared and we were informed that the ship was under attack, I was hooked.

The end hook is also excellent. I wanna find out who these mysterious guys in the antique ship are.

Characters — are they well rounded?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

For such a short chapter with so many characters, you did a great job of showing what kind of people they are, especially Scott and Shay. I'd usually say that you introduced too many characters in the first few paragraphs, but it actually worked in your story and I didn't find it confusing at all.

As a suggestion, to add more dimension to Scott, you could have him wonder if they'll survive the day, and then think about his wife and kids/grandkids that he'll never see again. Just brief thoughts in the middle of action to show that he does have a life beyond the plot.

Plot — does your story contain a clear plot with a strong resolution, or hook if it's a chapter or serial?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Fantastic plot so far. All developments were revealed through action so nothing felt like an infodump.

I did feel that you could have added a little bit more to the tension by having Scott a bit less confident on his way to the bridge. I mean, he never considers the possibility that the other ship might be a superior technology and able to destroy his ship. Once he's seen the scans, he knows they're old using obsolete technology, but on his way to the bridge with the crew panicing around him, it would be nice if he shared some of their anxiety and wondered if the ship would prove to be alien and superior, maybe even recall some report about alien ruins that suggested the race that once lived there were superior to humans. I remember one of Peter Hamilton's books did this — an archaological site that was important in the story held pieces of tech in advance of human tech.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

Wonderful pacing. Great stuff.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

You're a fantastic writer and I really felt the story. However, watch out for repetative structures and redundancies. You don't need to use Captain Scott and Commander Shay all the time after their positions are introduced. Don't use 'as' so much.

Dialogue — are your characters' voices distinct, and do they add to character building?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Great dialogue. It reminds me of stories like The Last Ship or Battlestar Galactica. You've got in all the right seafaring terms, and it works well. Watch out for comma punctuation, though. See suggestions.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?
*Star**Star**Star**Star**HalfStar*

Fantastic tech and description of the 'enemy' ship. It did, however, make me wonder what 'our' ship looks like in comparison. But, I did notice that you don't include any sensory information to better engage the reader. There are no smells around the ship, Scott doesn't feel any cold or heat, and he doesn't grab a glass of water or anything that might engage senses.

Themes — is this reader blown away by mind-blowing philosophy or originality?
*Star**Star**Star**Star*

There's nothing really original in the opening chapter, but the descriptions of the 'obsolete' tech were pretty cool, and I found the opening very engaging.

Suggestions — a few ideas for possible improvement.

Here's some notes I made while reading through the second time:

Scott's stomach clenched as he touched his face keying on his bone induction com as he pulled — fantasic showing of his feelings here, but watch out for repetative structures in your narrative that jar. Also, to be honest I couldn't visualise what you meant by 'his face keying on his bone induction com'. I mean, I get that he switched on a com device, but I simply cannot 'see' what this device looks like, where it is, or understand how he 'keys' it.

"I'm on my way to the bridge. What's happening?" — nothing really wrong, but beware telling characters what they already know. I mean, if the commander just asked him to come to the bridge, he doesn't need to say where he's on his way to. Also, this is action, so keep all dialogue and narrative as choppy and active as possible.

"An unknown ship sir. — you make this same mistake about twenty times, so I'm only going to point it out this once. When you address someone either by name, title or job description in speech, you need to separate their designation from what is said to them using a comma, eg. 'An unknown ship, sir,' 'Hello, Captain,' 'Come here, Sarah,' etc.

they have taken a hostile stance," Lieutenant Commander Shay answered. — Several thoughts here. The first is that Comander Shay is female, but the reader does not discover this until seven paragraphs into the story. If the reader has visualised the commander as a man, their suspension of disbelief will be shattered at that revelation. Here, instead of saying Commander Shay answered, if you say 'she answered' then you won't allow any reader to build a view of her as a man, and it's obvious who 'she' is because she's answering a question addressed to Commander Shay. My second thought is that once you've established that Scott is Captain and Shay is Commander, you don't need to keep on using their titles in narrative. To remind the reader of their ranks, use 'Captain' and 'Commander' occasionally in dialogue, in the Captain's case instead of 'sir' on some occasions. This will probably remove about thirty words from your word count, significantly increasing the pace of the chapter.

Scott asked as he hurried to the lift midst the running crew members. As they hurried by, he noticed their expressions varied from concern to panic. He was nervous himself as the Navy — I love this stuff about their fear and inexperience. It's great. However, I suggest you run a search for the word 'as' in Word and find alternatives as often as possible.

Shay, his XO, spoke through his induction com — okay, the reader is bright enough that by now they can get who Shay is on this ship. *Wink*

"There must be something here they are protecting," Scott mused. "I want a full sweep of the system, both active and passive scans. There has to be something here." — repeats exactly the same thing as the first sentence.

On top of a large ungainly main hull — While I'm not Kingist about adjectives, I count three in front of hull here. Be aware that it's customary to separate out multiple adjectives with commas the same as you would for a list of things, so here large, ungainly, main hull.

"Twenty minutes COMMA sir." — at the beginning of this paragraph, he says a few minutes. I wouldn't class twenty as a few. Maybe rephrase the opening speech.


Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your story.
*Star**Star**Star**Star**Star*

I loved your opening. Though your characters could do with a bit more depth and your setting needs a sensory element, still I was really hooked by this first chapter. If I was in a book shop, I'd buy this one.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob *Bigsmile*


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