iKïyå§ama's (satet) Reviews

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#1092645 by iKïyå§ama

528

#2038897

Review of Tap Tap

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hallo Candlemoth

and welcome to WDC!

I will be reviewing your work Tap Tap.

Overall Impression:

Format – Overall, you have good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader. However, in the latter sections of this story, the dialogue needs to be separated by a single space. You’ve also got the wrong tags to show your italics

(Trust me, it got some getting used to as well when I first arrived here.) In WDC, you do not use the < > tags, but rather these

Content - The story seems to start off in the middle of an event that must have taken place in the narrator’s life. We see that he/she? is currently at work but can hardly concentrate due to a possible break-up or relationship trouble he/she must be going through. (Although I’m quite aware that the character seems to be mourning for this Maud, I’m still not sure if it’s a man or a woman since I’m a bit unable to picture a guy crying and sniffling so easily…but then again, I could be wrong. *lol*) You have a good writing style and are able to take us into the narrator’s thought processes quite easily – there’s a certain flow to this that’s quite good. However, I’m still left with questions after reading this. Like for starters, who is this Maud and just what happened between her and the narrator? You only show us a specific moment in time – the narrator simply going through the motions of working – but there’s a desire to know more about the situation he/she has gotten into. I don’t know if you plan to expand this, but you might want to think about that when editing.

Characterization – Like I mentioned earlier, I’m not quite sure if your character is male or female – since no indication is given. If it was a woman mourning over the loss of Maud, then the feelings of suffering and the tears and the sniffling might be justified. If it was a young man acting this way, it tells the reader that he is clearly quite sensitive and easily hurt by whatever must have happened with them. Either way, you do a good job showing the depths of his/her sadness and I applaud you for that.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>> I’m typing nonsense of course;, it doesn’t matter.
(Delete the comma after the semi-colon)

>> I sniff, and look around for the tissue box.
(No need for the comma after ‘sniff’)

>> I turn and push myself towards to(the) bin,

>> “Just walk past me”, I think. “I’m busy”, I think.
(If a character is thinking, it’s not usually advisable to use the double quotation marks. It can be quite disconcerting to the reader, since that signifies that the character is speaking out loud. Some writers choose to use the single quotation marks, or simple go with something like: Just walk past me, I think. I’m busy. or better yet Just walk past me, I think. I am busy.)

>>Again, fix up the tags for the last line of this story.

Overall, this was an interesting read but with a little more work, it could become even better. Keep up the good work and write on.

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#1092645 by iKïyå§ama

529

#2038874

Review of Garom : Short Fiction Contest Entry

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hallo Smee

and welcome to WDC!

I will be reviewing your work Garom.

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

Content - This is a good bit of flash fiction as the reader is already thrust straight into what seems like a battle scene between horse, rider and his attackers. The fast paced action sequences are well-written, showing the intensity of the fight as the narrator does his best to deliver to escape the clutches of his enemies. I particularly enjoyed the description of the horse, Garom, as the story is appropriately titled. There’s a certain power and strength he displays even if the narrator uses magic spells to achieve his goal. Nicely done.

Characterization –

Suggestions:

They were no errors noticed.

Overall, this was a good read with characters that beg to be expanded into a much larger storyline/plot. Keep up the good work and write on.

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#1086031 by iKïyå§ama

530

#2038860

Review of Love Is

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hallo abeautifulness and welcome to WDC!

I will be reviewing your work Love Is.

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between stanzas making the poem more presentable to the reader.

Content - This is a poem which defines love as seen from the poet’s perspective. Each line seems to speak of life experiences that have shaped and molded your decisions on what true love really means and they come in the simplest forms:

Love is the sister, who comforts you,
After you’ve had a good cry.
The moment when you look down,
To see your baby first open his eyes.

You not only speak of love when facing something new and wonderful like the birth of a child, but also deal with the feelings of love when remembering those who have passed away, and whatever good memories they’ve left behind. Nicely done.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

Only one minor typo noticed:

>>Ist Stanza:
>>And a mother(‘)s gentle touch.

Overall, this was a good attempt and I thank you for sharing it with us. Keep up the good work and write on.

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#1086031 by iKïyå§ama

531

#2032531

Review of Make-Believe

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hallo again Kai Magpies

. I’m reviewing your work Make Believe on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between stanzas making the poem more presentable to the reader.

Content- This is a poem that speaks about the changes one experiences with a best friend from childhood to adulthood. There’s a wistful tone in this piece as you reminisce about the days of innocence when you were children. With such lines as:

Let's play a game of make-believe, as winter freezes the sky.
Of course just us,
Just you and I.
As snowflakes fall from winter's sky.

The snowflakes could symbolize the coming of age, the realization that you are no longer children and you’d have to put away those childish fantasies as you become adults. The section where you point out that princess and unicorns have been exchanged for books and make-up (to get the attention of boys) is filled with sadness and longing. The last stanza seems to speak of this friend being in a relationship that’s not healthy for her and you wish to bring her back to that time when all seemed well with the world. Is this based off a true friendship in your life? It definitely sounds that way.

Good job with this piece, and thanks for sharing. Write on.

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#1101926 by iKïyå§ama

532

Only reviews from the past
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#2032073

Review of Memoirs of Snow

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello Satsuki Rebel

and thank you for submitting your work Memoirs of Snow to "♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus]"

.

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between stanzas making the poem more presentable to the reader. You seem to have the 2-5-2 scheme going here. Let’s see if it makes the poem more effective or not.

Content - Hmm, while reading this, I seemed to get a sense of that you were taking us through the various stages of a relationship. In the first two stanzas, we are introduced to a blossoming romance and the innocence it evokes. The lines:
Racing, tumbling,
landing in a heap,
falling out
of pretenses
with you.
…seem to speak of falling hard and fast for this individual, becoming vulnerable in his/her eyes and not letting anything stand between you two.
However, the middle stanzas show a dissention between the couple, a break-up as the line In freezing blizzards, I grieve thinking of your discharge speaks of the bitterness and sadness that’s felt within the poet.
The last stanzas, speak of forgiveness and the willingness to give the relationship another chance, the comparison of kind smiles on frosty faces leads one to believe that everything seems to work out well for the couple in the end.
I think you did a good job with the imagery in this piece – a bit stark – but quite effective overall.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>> Only one typo noticed and that’s in your title. It should be Memoirs

Overall, this was a good effort and an enjoyable read. Keep it up and write on.

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#1060262 by iKïyå§ama

533

#2029164

Review of mismatched

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello m3lay

and thank you for submitting your work Mismatched to "♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus]"

.

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making it more presentable to the reader. However, there were some dialogue that got ‘lost’ in the narrative and I’ve pointed them out below.

Content - This is a short story that tells of a man finally meeting a woman he has met online, and the awkward ‘date’ that ensues soon after. It is clear that he is nervous and excited about meeting her, but once they do see each other, they come to realize that they are actually not meant to be. This is all thanks to ‘commitments’ they have made with other people who might or might not be the ones to make them happy. Although I tried to feel some sort of sympathy for their plight, I wasn’t quite sure whether to be upset that they were being unfaithful or to be sorry…if they’re widowers and still attached to their dead partners. You really do not specify that, besides the obvious sign of the rings on their fingers. Another thing that wasn’t specified is how they met. Besides the summary, there’s no indication within the story that they had actually met online at all. If someone was reading this without glancing at that tiny snippet, it would be hard to understand why they were meeting there in the first place. See what I mean? You should at least have a line or two in there that shows that they actually had a conversation on the computer, instead of making it seem they had a phone call or two.

With that said, I liked the section where you described the atmosphere in the coffee house. That was very well done and captures the ‘quietness’ and ‘cozy’ ambience that you’d find in most places like that. You also have some good analogies and you ended this on a simple but great note.

Left alone in our table, I couldn't help but think... we were like my tea cup and your coffee cup. Mismatched.

You have a lot of potential as a writer and I like your ‘clean’ and direct style of writing. You’ll have to work more on your imagery and attention to detail though, especially when you begin to write longer pieces.

Characterization – As I mentioned earlier, I wasn’t quite sure of what to make of your characters. I didn’t know if to knock some sense into them for being unfaithful and daring to meet when they might have significant others or a family, or if to feel sorry for them for hanging on to perhaps dead partners, knowing they’d be unable to establish a relationship because of that. Either way, you left it quite open to the reader to speculate, since it was obvious that they had little to nothing in common. Makes you wonder what they talked about online, doesn’t it? They were believable enough characters. They just have personalities that leave me with tons of questions.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>> I wanted sometime to breathe and relax before I finally met you.
(The words ‘some time’ should be separated. It’s easy for one to confuse it with ‘sometimes’ which gives it an entirely different meaning.)

>> When I entered the coffee shop (,) I went straight to my favorite corner table.
(Always place a comma after the first few introductory phrases/clauses in a sentence)

>> The waitress recognized me and came up to me with a familiar smile and

asked me if I wanted my usual cup of coffee.
(This section can either be broken into two separate sentences:The waitress recognized me and came up to me with a familiar smile. She asked if I wanted my usual cup of coffee. OR you can simply choose to re-write it in this way (notice the areas that are changed):The waitress recognized me, came up with a familiar smile and asked if I wanted my usual cup of coffee. Be wary of too many unnecessary words in a sentence.)

>> I smiled back and told her “no claire, I am meeting a new friend today and I'm nervous as hell. I'd like to have some chamomile tea to calm me please.”
(You’re missing a comma after ‘her’ and you should always begin a conversation with the word capitalized like you would any regular sentence. Also the word ‘Claire’ should start with a capital letter since it’s someone’s name. I smiled (in return) and told her, “No, Claire. I am meeting a new friend today, and I’m nervous as hell. I’d like to have some chamomile tea to calm me please.” Again, notice the placement of the commas and how they help to make the sentence flow better. They usually help the reader know when to pause.
P.S: Don’t forget to make all the ‘Claire’s in your story, start with a capital too.)

>> For someone who works at unfriendly hours, waiting for everyone (to) finish their cups of coffee, she glows with warmth and a certain understanding for (the)people who comes(come) and goes.(go)
(Subject-verb disagreement. Since ‘people’ is plural, subsequent verbs should be in the singular form.)

>> My view of the front door is(was) obscured from where I was.(sat)
(Change of tense. Since you’re writing in the past, the use of ‘is’ makes the sentence read a bit awkwardly)

>> Last night you asked me, “how would I know if it was you?” i told you its easy. Just look for a solitary woman with long black hair. I wouldn't be hard to find.
(Several rules were broken here, besides me going ‘huh?’ after reading this section.

As I mentioned above. Always start a dialogue with a capital letter as if writing out a sentence. Also, I’m not really sure of who’s speaking to who in this part. So to the best of my knowledge, I think you were trying to write:
Last night you asked me, “How will you know it’s me?”
I told you it would be easy. I would just look for a solitary woman with long, black hair. She wouldn’t be hard to find. See if this sounds/reads better to you.)

>> And I said, “ yes, I'm waiting for you.”
(And I said, “Yes, I’m waiting for you.”)

>> “We finally meet(,)” was all you said.

>> Claire came up to our table and refilled my tea cup,

you asked for a cup of coffee.
(Two separate sentences)

>> I realized the picture of you that I had delicately painted in my head looks somehow just like you. Just as how I have imagined, you have expressive yet blank eyes. One may see how luminous your eyes are but would never read what is in there.
(The italicized section was slightly confusing at first. It feels like you’re repeating the same words over again. You can re-write this to: I realized that the picture of you, I had delicately painted in my (mind), looks so much like the woman before me. As for the underlined section, the use of the word ‘eyes’ is redundant. Since you’ve already mentioned it in the previous sentence, you can simply re-write the second half to become: One may see how luminous they are, but would never be able to read what’s within.)

>> The sound of your spoon as you stirred your coffee sounded like church bells.
(Good analogy. I liked the way you phrased that.)

>> It leaves(left) a sting in my ears.
(Again, the change of tense. Remember you’re writing this in the past tense, so maintain that tone throughout the piece.)

>> you stared at me through(over) the rim of your coffee cup.
(You stare ‘over’ the rim and not ‘through’ it…unless it’s a transparent cup.

)

>> The silence was deafening yet words need not be spoken. We both found solace in blankly staring (at each other(?)).
(Hmm, still iffy about that first sentence. Perhaps The silence was deafening, and yet words were not needed. would sound better?)

>> My tea tasted bitter and cold.
(A good sentence that shows the beginnings of the ‘breakup’ – although I think the transition would be more effective if you began it with: Suddenly, my tea tasted bitter and cold.. Since the narrator seemed to be enjoying it at first, it shows the reader that the silence that had fallen between them has caused the tea to become ‘sour’)

>> You looked into my eyes and immediately saw what I have(had) seen.
(Change of tense)

>> For a brief instant, you held my hand as if to say everything will be alright. And then you stood up,

with a heavy heart and stooped shoulders, you said it was time to go.
(Although the sentence is understandable to read after two or three times, I think it would flow better if some punctuation was shifted around.For a brief instant you held my hand as if to say everything will be all right, and then you stood up. With a heavy heart and stooped shoulders, you said it was time to go.)

>> Left alone in(at) our table,

>>Good finish

Overall, this was an enjoyable short story that still needs a bit of polishing to make it a gem. Good luck with the edits and feel free to send it back to the forum for a re-rate. Write on!

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#1092645 by iKïyå§ama

534

#2027666

Review of The Atrocities of War

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello hockeytender

I’ll be reviewing your work The Atrocities of War

Overall Impression:

Format – Overall good spacing between paragraphs, making the story more presentable to the reader. A particular section needed to be ‘broken up’ and I pointed that out below.

Content- This is a story about a young man’s sudden thrust into the brutal reality of war and the unfortunate ending to his tale. Having not seen his father since the age of three, many believed he had lost his life during a war in Korea. Now, several years later, he gets the dreaded letter that he’s to be sent to the very same place his father had supposedly lost his life. He is given a memento from his mother which he promises to cherish until his dying day. Little does he know that things are about to take a sudden turn for the worse once he arrives in P’yonggang. He finally gets to see his father…but in a most unusual and rather tragic way.

What I really enjoyed in this story was the action sequences as you take us through the events that happened when the squad was suddenly attacked. I felt like I was actually watching the scene unwind before me and I had to wince at several places. It was fast-paced, and didn’t try to pretty up the brutal killings. Just as a war piece should. One can’t help feeling sorry for what happened to them and it really shows you the pointlessness of war and the sacrifices being made for a cause that no one’s really sure of. The last section really tugged at the heartstrings. What a way to meet your father, huh? But then again, it leaves tons of questions hanging. Why was his father there? Why was he with the enemy? One would be made to believe that he was forced to remain there against his will but still…it doesn’t really make much sense. It’s a rather perplexing moment and I’ll have to get back to you on that one. Bottom line, you have a good writing style that draws the reader into the story. There were just a few places that weren’t quite clear and I’ve pointed them out below.

Characterization- Your main character, Brett Johnson, could be the poster boy of all young men suddenly thrust into the arms of war and all it has to offer. Here was a young man who really had a good life and to suddenly get the news that he’ll be sent to Korea – the same place his father was sent to (and supposedly died) – it’s got to be too much for both he and his mother to take. With that said, I think you did a good job showing their reaction to such a news and reminding us that these are humans just like you and I and they feel pain and sorrow . Good job.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>> I agreed to be there after I cleaned up a bit (,) and hung up the phone.
(Without the comma in that sentence, it makes it read as if the narrator is telling the mother that he’ll be there after he’s cleaned up and hung up the phone…which would seem unnecessary (the hanging up the phone part that is). However, with the comma there, it shows that he tells his mother he’ll be there after he’s cleaned up and THEN he hangs up the phone. See what I mean?)

>> I did not have a good feeling about this.

When I finally reached my mother’s house, it was nearly dark.
(In this section of your story, there should be a space between the paragraphs)

>> Before I could even knock on the door she opened it, and, with a look of fear in her eyes
(No need for the comma after ‘and’)

>> Pictures of death kept flashing in my head causing an excruciating pain in my head.
(The underlined section shows a phrase that’s been repeated twice in the same sentence. To avoid that, you can re-write this to: Pictures of death kept flashing through my mind, causing an excruciating pain in my head.

>> When I had finally reached home,
(Be wary of the passive voice in your piece. Too much of it, can make the story tedious and disrupt the flow of it. In this case, the ‘had’ isn’t needed in that sentence.)

>> losing a few guys to the thousands of bullets that flew from the Koreans(‘) guns.

>> After traveling for about an hour (,) we could barely hear the gunfire (from) the south east anymore

>> There was no where we could run.
(‘Nowhere’ should be one word.)

>> My father was now staring down the baring(barrel) of a gun.

Overall, this was a good story that takes us into the depths of war from a bird’s eye view, so to speak and let’s us experience what it’s really about. Still some questions left, but then again, this was told from a first person perspective and I guess the answers will end with him as well. Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work.

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#1092645 by iKïyå§ama

535

#2019177

Review of Crazy Abe

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hallo again KevG

. I’m reviewing your work Crazy Abe on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

Format –.Good spacing between paragraphs and lyrics making the story more presentable to the reader.

Content- Wow. This pretty much had me shivering a little after reading it. This story seems to take one into the mind of a killer/murderer. The somewhat matter-of-fact way he goes about accepting ‘the voices’ and what they tell him to do, is something that seems common with most serial killers. The use of the Bob Dylan song was rather haunting in itself and the lyrics have me going to hunt for it and listen to the song if possible. You’ve done a very good job getting us into Crazy Abe’s head as we watch him prepare for possibly another killing spree after murdering his own father. Gah, that’s enough to send chills down anyone’s spine. Very good piece of writing with this story.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>> As I left the old man tucked up in his final resting place and stumbled back through to the front room to listen to the old record one more time (,) I had an epiphany.
>> As I fastened the rest of the toggles on my faded brown duffle coat (,) I blew out all but one of the remaining candles

Good job all around. This was definitely interesting to read. Keep up the good work!

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#1086031 by iKïyå§ama

536

#2018924

Review of Terry Redemption

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hallo KevG

. I’m reviewing your work Terry Redemption on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between paragraphs, making the story more presentable to the reader.

Content - This is a short story that tells of a drunken man’s moment of epiphany after a rather unsuccessful night at a nightclub. We watch as he stumbles out of the building and decides to walk off the feelings of misery and emptiness from such a dismal experience. His trip takes him through a place called ‘Blackstone’ and while standing on the roundabout, he is witness to a sunrise unlike any other. Somehow, watching this moment, makes him feel incredibly better and gives him a better outlook on life. Something he never thought would happen in such a manner. What I really love about your stories is the depth of emotion you put into it. You pay much attention to the little details – the little things that are bound to paint a beautiful and sometimes breathtaking scene in the reader’s mind. I think I mention this below, but your description of Blackstone and the sunrise is nothing short of amazing. Such lines as:

The frayed edges of the sunlight's creeping carpet were still struggling to cope with the ascent up the steep hill in front of me; permitting the dull ambience of the horse's bulbs to shine through both the rainbow of thin petals and the fading remains of darkness.

If I had to list out every line that had me grinning, I might as well copy out the whole story and paste it here.

Bottom line is, you are great with imagery and that is something that makes your stories a delight to read.

Characterization- The character Terry Redemption (is he based off a real life experience?) is very realistic and quite the romantic, whether he wants to admit it or not. His ability to ‘see’ the sunrise in such a way and to feel that (in the words of Oprah) ‘Ah Ha’ moment, alludes to that side of him that he might not show to others. Although one has to wonder if he’s that stinking drunk, how did he manage to walk home without falling flat on his face?

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>It had been a long time since Destiny (,) and I was starting to wonder if I had lost my touch
(Without the comma, it makes it seems as if you are saying ‘Destiny and I’ which makes the rest of the sentence incomplete and confusing.)

>>and the only other thing I needed to think about (,)as I stumbled drunkenly along the road (,) was my destination.

>>Blackstone (was?) by no means the roughest of areas;

>>I was feeling so sorry for myself (,) after my recent 'losing-streak' (,) that it didn't really matter to me anyway.
(Commas are your friends

and should be used in the middle of a sentence to set off clauses, phrases, and words that are not essential to the meaning of the sentence. As indicated above.)

>>Even though it was little after 4am (,) the summer sun was projecting a carpet

>>As far as I could see (,) the farmhouses and villages scattered throughout the distance
(Same rule goes for introductory phrases in the two I’ve pointed out.)

>>Downtown still reigned in it's (its) complete darkness

>>Great description of Blackstone by the way. The imagery is vivid and rich and gives the reader a sense of being a part of the scenery. Wonderful job.

>>On this beautifully wet summer morning (,) the middle of the roundabout was sleeping under a
>>As I stood on the circumference of the roundabout (,) I let the poignancy of the moment wash over me.

>>The sea of flowers beneath the horse participated too; as the freshly recharged beams of the day penetrated the clear dew on the leaves

the effect created was an ocean of gleaming jewels, awash with all the reds and yellows imaginable.
(I think that should be broken into two separate sentences.)

>>Before I knew it (,) the 6ft horse was in complete sunlight

>>As I stood there proudly watching the steed accept the sunlight and cast the first shadow of the day over the dew-sequined city (,) an abundace(abundance) of ideas and feelings started sweeping through my mind.

>>The light had now passed acorss(across) the roundabout

>>A looming shadow cast over it, it's(its) dirty grey buildings unable to escape the corrupting darkness.

>>As I followed the roundabout's curve – it's(its) perfect form extrapolated onto the pavement – I read the square sign mounted at the edge of the roundabout, far from the reaches of the horses'(horse’s) extending shadow.
(There was only one horse I believe?)

This was a well-written story that had me smiling through it all. Keep up the good work and write on!

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#1086031 by iKïyå§ama

537

#2017807

Review of Moncielle

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hallo Jeanette

I will be reviewing your work Moncielle.

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between stanzas making the poem more presentable to the reader.

Content - This was a very romantic, well-written piece that chronicles the relationship between two people who are very much in love. I think the last stanza had me grinning as everything seems to come to a very happy ending for both parties.

Stand beside me, my love.
This is the moment, I'll
remember all my life.
We're walking down the aisle,
brand new husband and wife.

You kept to the six-syllable rule for each line as well as the rhyming scheme. Very nicely done. I also applaud you for putting the definition of the poem style at the end of it. I can’t tell you how important that is, especially for the benefit of those who might not understand what the Moncielle is all about.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>My only suggestion would be to change the title of the piece. Moncielle is the poetry form NOT the name of the poem itself. It might seem a bit confusing to a reader at first.

Overall, a great job with this piece. Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work!

** Image ID #1091919 Unavailable **

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#1092645 by iKïyå§ama

538

#2017094

Review of Hope Alive

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hallo again Jean Michelle

and welcome to WDC!

I am reviewing your work Hope Alive

Overall Impression:

Format – Did you save your work in .txt format? It tends to make the story look like it’s all stuck in a corner and doesn’t utilize the ‘whole’ screen (at least the space allotted for WDC stories)

All the same, good spacing between the paragraphs making it more presentable to the reader.

Content- This is a story that tells of a girl going off to boot camp in a day and has to face the boy she really cares about, the night before she leaves. The tone of this piece is rather casual and it almost felt as if I was reading a blog entry instead of an actual story. I’m not sure if this was deliberate or not, but I would have preferred it not sound that way. I think it lessens the emotions one is supposed to feel for the narrator. You were hoping to convey feelings of betrayal and hurt and although you ‘tell’ us about it, you fail to ‘show’ us how it really affected you. I’d suggest using more imagery in your piece – give attention to details which would help to make the story much richer and vivid to the reader.

Characterization- Like I mentioned earlier, this felt like a blog entry – the narrator just listing out a sequence of events that took place in one night. You do a good job showing the boy’s personality, and he doesn’t get much sympathy from me. It might not mean much, but at least giving him a name or even he mentioning the narrator’s name would have livened things up a bit. Right now, these are just unknowns placed in a setting that’s reminiscent of a TV drama.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>> I remember(ed) thinking at one point, that it was the kind of night that you would see in the season finale of a television
show.
(See if that sounds better. I felt it was missing something while reading it the first time around. Also ‘remembered’ should be used since the rest of your piece seems to be written in the past tense. Be wary of changing tenses within a story.)

>> At some point in the evening, I remember, I got a little over emotional with some of my friends about things that I worried about.
(In this section, you can do without the ‘I remember’ phrase. However, if you wish to keep it in there, I’d suggest re-writing it to: At some point in the evening, I remember getting a little over emotional with some of my friends about things I was worried about. Take note of the words removed or added. You should also be careful of being too ‘wordy’ with your stories. Sometimes less is more.)

>> He moved in my way, putting his arms out, blocking me from passing, so he could find
out what was wrong with me.
(This sounds good at first glance, however, it could be shortened to read: He moved in my way, put his arms out and blocked me, hoping to find out what was wrong with me. You already mentioned that you tried to pass him in the previous sentence, so I don’t think it’s really necessary to reiterate that again in this section.)

>> I was secretly telling him I wanted to be over him finally.
(Hmm, not quite sure about the word ‘finally’ being at the end of that sentence. I was secretly telling him that I wanted to be completely over him.)

>>The last paragraph was slightly confusing to me. I can understand that your heart was broken, but I do not understand the reasoning behind the way you felt. You say they’re in high school and they’ll eventually break up…or is this all just your ‘wish’ as you seem to keep comparing it to a television show? I think you could work on this to give it more closure. The ending seems too abrupt and leaves the reader asking more questions.

Overall, this was a good effort, but with a little more work/polishing, it could become a gem. Feel free to email the finished product to me and I’ll be happy to re-rate it for you.

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#2015163

Review of The Storm

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello StephBee

and thank you for submitting your work The Storm to the forum.

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between stanzas making the poem more presentable to the reader.

Content - This is a poem that deals with the emotions evoked within the poet during a storm. You tell of nature’s fury during this time:

The darkness surrounds me, the biting wind
The wet, the damp… is all around
And I wonder, have I sinned?
As lighting and the trees fall to the ground.

I like the way you’ve posed the question, and placing yourself within the storm’s path as if you’re directly targeted. You’ve also kept a good rhyming scheme with this piece which makes for a good flow and smooth read.

The only typo noticed would be in the second line in the second stanza. The words ‘can not’ should be one word.

Good job with this piece and keep up the awesome work!

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#1092645 by iKïyå§ama

540

#2011876

Review of Poem#1 - Growing #2 - Behind her smile

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hello Lost_Lonley_Girl

and thank you for submitting your work to the forum.

Overall Impression:

Format – Hi Lindsay! I think I sent you an email regarding the formatting of the poems. Although they do have good spacing between the stanzas, it’s best they’re separated into two separate static items or better yet, you can simply create a ‘book’ to store all your poetry. Email me if you still have questions.

Content - (Poem #1 – Growing)
The first poem seems to be a rather sad one, perhaps as a result of a broken relationship or the loss of someone quite close to you. I like the comparisons/imagery used. They are simple and try to convey the depth of your emotion towards the other. However, there were several things that made this piece less than perfect. For instance, the lines:

As the seasons,
so do i.

As the seasons…what? As the seasons change? You give no indication of what you’re trying to compare the seasons to and it makes the poem a bit confusing. Also, you should capitalize the ‘I’ in that line and the one after that. As for the last lines:

As the years pass me by,
i grow older.

At first glance, it is a good finish. However, it does seem a bit abrupt and doesn’t really give the poem any ‘closure’. Yes, you grow older but….why? Is it because of the events that took place? How has it really changed you? It just seems like a rather vague sentence to me.

(Poem #2 – Behind Her Smile)

For starters, I do not endorse cutters in any shape or form and reading pieces like that make me incredibly squeamish and uncomfortable. I can understand the pain/pressure that most teenagers go through (I went through them myself), however, seeking for release and comfort in bleeding is not the answer. I’m not sure if this is autobiographical or not, but if it did happen to you, there are lots of groups in this community that can help you with your problems. Many wonderful people here are more than willing to welcome you with open arms and to help you through such a painful period in your life. If you ever need to talk, feel free to email me at any time. ((hugs))

Overall, these were two very sad pieces and I sincerely hope we get to see happier ones from you in the near future. Write on!

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#1060262 by iKïyå§ama

541

#2009239

Review of Whispers of the Wind, Echos of a Sword

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hello ≈ Frost Cry ≈

and thank you for submitting your work Whispers of the Wind, Echoes of the Sword to the forum.

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and main scenes making the story more presentable to the reader. I also like the graphics/fonts used in the middle of this! It definitely gives this story a more professional look.

Content -I’ll confess and say that fantasy stories aren’t really my forte and I don’t usually get into them as much as others might. However, from the very first line of this story, you’ve got me quite intrigued and eager to know more about the characters and what they’re about. You definitely have a way with words and I absolutely loved the way you describe each scene with such wonderful imagery. Such lines like:

The marketplace was a chaotic scene, rainbowed by gaudily-colored canopies overhanging sellers’ booths and glittered by cheap jewelry hanging from hawkers’ stalls like common tinsel.

Now that (amongst many others) gave me a clear scene of the events that took place. I could clearly picture each scenario and character as you give the story a richness that makes it interesting to read. Good job with the dialogue and the use of accents to differentiate classes of the people. You’ve already began to give us hints of a rather large world you’ve created and the stories that lay within will prove to be quite entertaining.

Characterization- In this chapter we are introduced to various characters. Tarem, who seems to be the hero (although he’s got a short scene here) is a young man who sets off to war seemingly against his father’s wishes. Already a captain at such a young age, we are made to see his doubts and worries as he proceeds to war not knowing if he’ll survive or not. Bear – is the friendly but gruff soldier who tries to befriend the quiet young man. We can already tell he’s going to be a valuable asset to Tarem in the future. Emra is Tarem’s younger sister who is now left alone to fend for her father after Tarem and Lorelle (an older sister) leaves –(speaking of which, perhaps I missed the reason for Lorelle’s disappearance because I didn’t really see a reason given). From her demeanor and mannerisms, one can tell that she’s going to play a rather significant and important role in this tale. There’s a maturity about her that her father, the Senator, has noticed and is helpless against. Great job with their descriptions by the way. We are given a clear picture of what each person looks like and are left with no questions about their personalities – and only in the first chapter too! So kudos.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

Only one minor error noticed,

>> “You’re needed right away.” The boy panted. “We’ve found one.”
(This should be re-written as: “You’re needed right away,” the boy panted. “We’ve found one.”)

Overall, this was an interesting read and I wish you good luck as you continue to edit the chapters. Keep it up and write on.

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542

#2007753

Review of The Real Origins of Memorial Day

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hallo again Future Mrs. B

I will be reviewing your work The Real Origins of Memorial Day .

Overall Impression:

Format –Good use of the indent tag and single spacing between paragraphs making the article more presentable to the reader.

Content - This is an article that’s being written to detail the real reason for the holiday ‘Memorial Day’. While many Americans tend to see it as a day for barbecues and parties, it’s always good to remember the real reason why we are able to do those things today. Although it’s only one day set aside to honor our soldiers, this article points out that the act of remembrance is something that used to be done everyday until a certain date was set. I thought it rather interesting and an enlightening piece. I really had no idea it had originated from the South and I had a very ‘aaah!’ moment while reading this. You’ve definitely done your research with this piece and although you say it’s a draft, I think you’ve definitely got the main points across and leave us with a message as to why this holiday is so important.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>There are many origins of where Memorial Day actually began because it more than likely that people in every town gathered to commemorate the dead in the 1860's and from then on it tapped into the human need to honor the dead.
(This sentence read a bit awkwardly to me. I understand what you’re trying to say, but I’d suggest breaking it down into two sentences. In this case, it would read as:
There are many origins of where Memorial Day actually began, since it is more than likely that people in every town gathered to commemorate the dead in the1860’s. From then on, it tapped into the human need to honor the dead.
Notice where the new sentence begins and the words that have been changed.)

>>How the South honored their dead by giving them a special day, Logan was impressed and thought the Union needed a similar day.
(This is another sentence that reads a bit ‘off’. I think it’s the way you set up the sentences which make it a bit disjointed. I’d suggest re-writing this to: Logan was impressed with the way the South honored their dead by giving them a special day. He thought that the Union needed something just as similar.)

>>"It was most fitting; that the ancients, especially the Greeks, had honored their dead, particularly their heroes, by chaplets of laurel and flowers," supposedly said of the ceremonies and the wish to keep this day designated to rememberance.(remembrance)
(Yet another confusing string of words

. The subject is not made clear and we’re left wondering who said this and in what relation it is to the rest of the paragraph. However, it does seem as if you’re quoting off the General Order No.11. In this case, you could re-write this to: ”It was most fitting; that the ancients, especially the Greeks, had honored their dead, particularly their heroes by chaplets of laurel and flowers,” it supposedly said in regards to the ceremonies and the wish to keep the day designated to remembrance. The word ‘it’ helps the reader know that you’re directly quoting from the book.)

>>help get us the freedoms we take for granted now a days.
(‘Nowadays’ should be one word)

>>If it was not for their bravery of daying(dying) to preserve what was or is right in the country, we would not be like we are today with so many freedoms.
(A good point to convey, however, I would have liked to see a much stronger finish. Especially with the last line. You’ve already pointed out in the previous sentence that we’ve gotten so ‘many freedoms’ and then you say it again, which makes it sound a bit redundant. I’d suggest saying something along the lines of If it wasn’t for their bravery, courage and dying to preserve our rights in this country, we would not be here today to enjoy what they’ve sacrificed so much for.

Overall, this is a very good article and I hope you polish it soon enough to have ready for more readers to sink their teeth into. I applaud you for tackling the subject, but then again, your love for history is something that is commendable. Let me know when you're done with the edits and I'll be glad to re-rate this for you. Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work!

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543

#2005906

Review of Slap

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hello ~~Mc Young~~

I’ll be reviewing your work Slap

Overall Impression:

Format – Good spacing between stanzas making the poem easier to read and more presentable.

Content- Hmm, I’m on the fence about this. You say this poem was written about the emotion ‘anger’ without using that word within it. However, after reading this several times, all I seem to get from the poet is a sense of sadness, hurt and bemusement. He/She keeps asking questions that don’t seem angry at all to me. They seem complacent and resigned in a way, especially the last stanza. At first it looks like the poet is resolved to do something about his/her predicament and yet there isn’t enough determination in the words. I would have liked to see curt, direct, or even ‘hateful’ words directed at the abuser. Give the victim a stronger voice than simply asking questions about his/her situation.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>Take for instance the following stanzas:

Why do you abuse me,
throw me around,
Like I am just an object?

SLAP

Please stop,
The gesture of your hand,
The way you stare at me.

You could easily change this around to become something like:

Why do you abuse me
Throw me around,
Like I am just an object?

I loathe the way you stare at me
That gesture of your hand
I despise and long to get rid of

I’m sure that the rules don’t stipulate that other meanings of the word ‘anger’ can’t be used in this piece. Or I could be wrong. Either way, try to use much stronger words to convey that feeling of anger and hurt the poet feels while dealing with his/her situation.

>> The (Did you mean ‘That’?) face of yours,

>> I rather be,
(I’d rather be)

Overall, this was a good effort and I wish you the best of luck in the contest. Keep writing!

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#1086031 by iKïyå§ama

544

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14 days may be credited.

#2004041

Review of My Home

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hallo again chesterchumley!

I will be reviewing your work My Home.

Overall Impression:

Format –Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

Content - Haha! This was definitely a very satirical piece and I can make so many comparisons and detect so many hidden messages within this to write an essay.

Here’s a man who’s the quintessential ‘local’ – one who has lived in a particular location for years. It’s a place he’s proud to call home since his ancestors settled there many years ago. And then we have the neighbors, a wonderful eclectic group of annoyances and grievances to our dear narrator. He’s quick to point out all the things that irritate him regarding their antics, blaming them for everything possible it seems. But then he goes back to watch television, hears the news about war in some country and asks the eternal question ‘Why can’t we all get along?’ Ah, the irony. I think I laughed out loud after reading this one. Great stuff.

Characterization- With your character, (as mentioned earlier) I could get into a whole political debate on who he represents. As you must have heard by now, the United States is going through an immigration battle and these lines in your story:

The neighbours just don’t seem to appreciate that my family was here first so things should be done to our liking. If you do not like that, you should strongly reconsider coming to live on my street.

- really struck a chord and accurately represents the sentiment most born and raised Americans feel about immigrants. Indeed one has to ask that question ‘why can’t we get along?’ and until we find the answer to that, things are always going to remain this strained as long as there are differences in race, color or creed.
-

Suggestions:

There were no errors noticed in this piece.

Keep up the good work and write on!

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545

#2002699

Review of A Moment Passed By

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hello che Mateo

and thank you for submitting your work The Moment Passed By to the forum.

Overall Impression:

Format –Although this piece seems to be in free verse form, I also wonder if it won’t work better with stanzas. I think it would read much better that way.

Content - This is a poem that seems to tell of an opportunity lost in love between the poet and a girl he must have met. He admits she has wonderful qualities and points them out, with some good comparisons or metaphors, however, he lets her go at the end of it all, unable to keep the one he feels he could never truly have. All at once, I see a bit of a contradiction here. There’s the girl the poet seems to love and yet when the opportunity comes…he bails. Why? I’m still trying to understand why it happened or the reason for it, since it doesn’t seem like there’s any foreseeable trouble for the couple. Or does the poet feel he’s not worthy of her company? Is she unattainable? Does she belong to another? Or does he simply think he cannot love her as much as she would like? Maybe if I read it for the fifth time it would come to me. As pointed earlier, you do have some good metaphors going but it still sounded a bit flat to me. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but perhaps more imagery within the piece could help? I would like to really feel the poet’s remorse at leaving her, but unfortunately, as it is right now, it doesn’t really evoke that emotion in me.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>Break off into stanzas and see if it looks any better.

There she stood,
Then, she leaned,
Extending her soul,
Passion in her eyes,

Eyes containing the world,
But reflecting her beauty,
A beauty that exists in my dreams,
Dreams never to take a true form.

>> Use more imagery in this piece, to make the poem richer and more vivid in the mind’s eye. It also helps to evoke whatever emotion you hope to convey with this poem and if it’s a feeling of lost love/loss, then you have to draw the reader into it.

Overall, this was a good poem, but could use a little more work to make it even better. Thanks so much for sharing and feel free to send it back to the forum for a re-rate when you’re done with the edits. Write on!

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#1101926 by iKïyå§ama

546

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14 days may be credited.

#1999701

Review of My Hatred

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello Dee

I’ll be reviewing your work My Hatred

Overall Impression:

Format – Not applicable since poem was written in free verse form.

Content- I think you’ve captured that feeling of anger and hatred quite well in this piece. Every line seems like something that ought to be screamed out loud and I think you’ve done a good job evoking those emotions. As you mention in your summary, this is directed to the individuals that tend to scream and yell at you all the time. Most of us must have the same feelings and have experienced the very same things and sometimes wish we could voice out these words to them, but writing them down works just as well. Venting can be a good form of therapy, right?

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>> I would have loved to see more imagery used in this piece. Try to compare the rage you feel to something – a common day event that most of us can identify with.

Example:

My body hums with rage
I can feel my face burning

You could just as easily add a few more words to make it more vivid in the reader’s mind. Like say:

My body hums with rage
I can feel my face burning
Like flames on a hot summer’s day

Remember that is just my suggestion and you don’t necessarily have to use my example. But at least you get the basic gist of what I’m trying to say.

This was a very good attempt and I enjoyed reading it very much. Keep it up and write on.

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#1997925

Review of Ascension

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hallo again Orinon

I will be reviewing your work Ascension

Overall Impression:

Format –Overall good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue. However, there are some sections that still need to be seperated to make for easier reading.

Content- Whew. You do not want to know how long I spent reading this story

So here goes. Like your previous story, I somehow feel I just stepped into another scene to a much bigger picture. From what I could garner, your main character becomes a necromancer to seek revenge on his mother's careless actions during the war. It was apparent she did not care much for him, since she was in the arms of another man. However, his dark nature has led him to want to seek higher powers and it now seems like his ultimate goal is become the highest ranked member of the undead. Quite a departure from his original intent, isn't it. With that said, reading through this story was rather tedious because of all the errors and grammar problems noticed within. You really do have so much to tell and I can feel that with your words, however, you just have to be patient enough to take the time to edit your pieces so that your readers can appreciate the tale you're trying to weave. I see your potential in the fantasy genre and it's great.

But like I said, take your time and don't try to rush through things and you'll see that your works will turn out to be so much better.

Another plus for you is your attention to detail when it comes to certain scenes. You do a good job describing the surroundings to various places especially the necromancer's lab. That was very well done. You still need to work on your dialogue though. I've pointed them out below.

Characterization- Now, to your characters. Let's start with the lesser ones, Tomas and Mikhail, who are rather interesting to say the least. You do a good job giving us their back story and one has to feel a bit sorry for them in their plight. You describe them well and give them a little personality even though they're supposedly dead. As for the Jayden - I couldn't really put a face to him since you didn't describe him in that sense, but he seems to be a pretty disturbed human being (well, not any more) and you show his evil actions and thoughts very well. I'm still not sure of what the baby's role was in this piece, but perhaps you can explain it to me later.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>Somewhere in the distance (,) wolves could be heard as they prowled

>>Smiling to himself under his dark hood he begins(began) his trek across the hallowed field
(Change of tenses. Be careful of that. You've started the story off with the past and you switch to the present mid-way. It's a bit disconcerting to the reader.)

>>Tall bleak towers of black stone waited for him as he returned from his quest,

too long has he been from his studies, he thought as the castle
('Too long...' should start in a new sentence, since we are now into his thoughts. With that said, it's usually advisable to distinguish one's thought from the rest of the narration. Not all writers do this, but it helps in some way. So you can either choose to italicize the words or use the single quotation marks.

In this case, this sentence would read as: Tall bleak towers of black stone waited for him as he returned from his quest. Too long have I been away from my studies, he thought, as the castle Notice the changes made? If he's thinking...his words shouldn't be in the third person narrative.)

>>In his despair for his father and anger at his mother (,) he had turned to the black side of magic

>>Necromancy was the only option left unexplored, and the cost was almost more than he could bear,

his father’s cold corpse still roamed the halls and called for his fallen son.
(That should be two seperate sentences.)

>>As he approached the gates(,) shambling steps could be heard near

>>“Your master has returned!” He cried in triumph.
(The 'He' should not be capitalized. I also noticed this in some other parts of the story. So you might want to get them all changed.)

>>“Blood(.)” This shallow word echoed and reverberated through...

>>“Yes, blood my children” and then quieter “but not for long”
(Although I understand what you're trying to say here, it doesn't read too well at first glance. I'd suggest rephrasing this to: "Yes, blood my children," he said quietly. "But not for long," he added in an even quieter tone.)

>>His hollow laughter rang through the night,(and) the wolves in the nearby wood seemed to be answering(answer) him with their own laughter.

>>Wasting no time (,) he descended into the depths of his monstrous creation

>>This vessel was once owned by a great king, carved for him by an ancient craftsman,

it was an hourglass of spun gold and unbreakable glass,
(Two seperate sentences)

>>It was intended to mark the last days of the king before he died (,and)as the sand fell from the top the sand(it) ceased to exist, along with the life of the long dead ruler.
(The use of 'sand' in such quick succession sounded redundant)

>>“Tomas, Mikhail come to me my children” The Necromancer called as he caressed the morbid talisman
(There should be a comma after 'Mikhail' and 'children'. Also 'The' should not be capitalized.)

>>thought to have died during a hunting expedition some 40 years past,

his dark hair and fair eyes coupled with his large
{Two seperate sentences. Also you should write out '40' instead of leaving it in numerical form.)

>>hatred blazing from their baleful eyes and Canine snarls.
('Canine' should not be capitalized)

>>“Now now, no need to for that” he said smiling like a proud father at them both.
(A comma after 'that')

>>“I have it!” He said triumphantly,(as) he reached in and brought forth clenching a dark brown

>>and now I will be as blessed at(as) the two of you.... But without the hunger with drives you so”
('But' should not be capitalized)

>>Both creatures, for that is what they were, not men, nodded they’re(their) understanding

>>A child the bastard had asked for,

though both were now creatures of the night both still held onto enough humanity to quell at such a request,

they knew mortals who entered the masters lair for any reason were never the same.
(Too many commas there where periods are needed to make sentences. You seem to do that a lot in your stories. You don't want too many run-on sentences that will make for awkward reading.)

>>that supplied the village with most (of) its food and income.

>>Small fishing vessels crammed the low rotting dock,(as) all the fishermen were indoors once night fell

only a fool or a vagabond would be outside on a night such as this.
(Two seperate sentences)

>>while wenches served them and pried their finger(s) from unwanted places.

>>Tomas and Mikhail often hunted outside of this establishment and knew their particular quarry would not be found anywhere near(,) so they began to skirt the outer perimeter.

>>As they strolled through the shadowed side streets of the hovels and shanties (,) cold rain began

>>Hearing the mewling of an infant and the coddling responses of its mother (,)the dark pair slinked their way

>>The hovel was a small clay cottage with a badly thatched roof,

mesmerized by the stench of old diapers and the sweet perfume of blood

>>“He’s been gone almost two weeks(,) Mary

he aint never coming back and you know it”
(Insert a period at the end of sentence as well.)

>>“He WILL come back

he promised he did and little Jen expects him any day now!”

>>Picking up the babe and starting for the door (,) the women stopped to put on their shawls

>>canines elongating as the thrill and lust for blood took control of them and driving(causing) them to froth with anticipation.

>>slammed into the chest of Mikhail just as he reached to for her.

>>In the center of the pentagram was the phylencantry his vessel that would contain his essence while the price was being exacted from his body.
(I'm not quite sure of what you were trying to say here, so you might want to rewrite this section so it makes more sense. Secondly, you say he drew the pentagram on his hand? and yet was able to burn candles on the five points? Don't you mean he drew it on the ground? At least from most fantasy books or shows, I've seen the wizards do it on the ground or wall, but I could be wrong.)

>>This is it (,)he thought as he read the scroll to himself, at last I will surpass my masters in both power and daring,
(This whole section is another reason why I think you ought to italicize the thoughts or at least put them in single quotation marks.)

>>Tomas carried the babe to his master curled peacefully in his arms,

the mage reached down and grasp{ed) the child by its neck and raised it,

>>Gracing his creations with a smile of utter triumph and exultation he said “You have done well
(Place a comma after 'said')

>>Sighing and with a moments hesitation (,) he drank down the mixture and stood before his altar.

>>As the last word was uttered from his lips green flame tentacles sprung from the five candles piecing his chest and exiting his eyes mouth and ears.
(This was another slightly confusing sentence. I assume you were trying to say As the last word was uttered from his lips, green flame tentacles sprung from the five candles, peircing his chest and exiting his eyes, mouth and ears.)

>>Screaming in pain and confusion (,) he fell to his knees as the green tentacles whipped out of his body holding a transparent silvery image of himself, pulling(and moved) towards the golden container which he had prepared.

>>He fell forward then, fell forward in victory for the spell was complete.
(Another confusing sentence. I deleted that section because I didn't think it was necessary.)

>>He would become a lich.
(I would either bold or italicize the word 'lich' so it ends the story in a more dramatic nature of sorts. You might also want to explain what a lich means in footnotes or something like that, for the benefit of those who might not be familiar with such terms. I for one, have no idea what it means.)

Do not be discouraged by all the errors, like I mentioned earlier, with a little more patience and dedication, this piece can be polished and made to look/read even better. Good luck with the edits and write on!

** Image ID #1091919 Unavailable **

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#1086031 by iKïyå§ama

548

#1997846

Review of The Magician's surprise

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello Mandarine

and thank you for submitting your work to the forum.

Overall Impression:

Format –Overall, good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making it easier to read and more presentable to the reader. However, there were several sections that could be seperated, so you might want to go back and check on that. Good quote at top of the story as well.

Content- Argh! Okay, I've got to know what those tricks were! I have to go back and read this all over again because I do believe I might have missed something here or there. But that's for my personal amusement

I enjoyed this story very much (I kept thinking Arabian Nights for some reason) but this was very well-written and had me wondering just what Lye could have been up to in his cell. I know all about tricks with mirrors so what? What? What?? did he do in there? Quite the wickedly woven tale this is and I like the last line too. Very clever of him.

Characterization- You've created very colorful characters - again back to my Arabian reference - because it felt like something I would read out of a 1001 Arabian Nights. I thought Lye's reaction to his assistant's demise was quite funny (tragic event it was though) but there's a simplicity, humility and a little hint of mischief all packed into Elijah that makes him a hero we can root for. We feel sorry for poor Moren who has to witness all those tricks and let's not even talk about the new guard who let Lye go. Great stuff. For a short story, you've definitely packed in a lot of fun characters.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>>He looked up at his crowd with wide, anxious eyes and the once-amused audience was now staring(stared) back at him with fear and suspicion.
(Change of tense. You've been speaking with the past tense and you suddenly switch to the present.)

>>"What in god's name is happening here!"
(Missing a question mark)

>>He seemed to be able to provide her with the comfort she needed, for when she left (,) she seemed a lot calmer and happier

Overall, this was a very entertaining read and I thank you for sharing. Keep up the great work and write on!

** Image ID #1087476 Unavailable **

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#1092645 by iKïyå§ama

549

#1996444

Review of Dark Thoughts

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hello vrokner and welcome to WDC!

I’ll be reviewing your work Dark Thoughts

Overall Impression:

Format – You do a good job placing single spaces between the main paragraphs. However, it’s best to separate dialogue from the main paragraphs, so they don’t get ‘lost’ in the narrative. It also makes it easier to read and a bit more understandable to the reader.

Content- I must say it was a bit difficult getting through this story, but I felt you were trying to tell us something good here and I got a little bit of it. It seems to tell a tale of two brothers cursed to become creatures of the night and beast respectively. You did a great job describing Orinon’s transformation and I could picture him in my mind. You also do a good job with showing us the pain and suffering he went through while undergoing this change, but especially his reaction to see his younger brother. You show us the unhappiness he felt and his desperate attempt to make Hormoth remember him, no matter what kind of a creature he is now or that his life may be in danger. Unfortunately, all of that was lost beneath the errors and ‘rushed’ scenes that had me going back to read over and over again just to understand what was going on. It’s quite easy to lose readers especially when writing fantasy pieces, when you do not take the time to explain the characters, who they are and what they are doing there.

I’m not sure if this is a continuation of another story because we were suddenly thrust into this scene. Is Orinon a mythological character that’s well known? I’ve never heard of him to be honest.

Give us more of a back story to your characters so we can be more sympathetic to their plight.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>> “Aspirax” he said aloud, ”my days of loneliness
(A comma after ‘Aspirax’)

>> “Much better than my brother” he thought aloud “much better than to have the eternal struggle
(A comma after ‘brother’ and ‘aloud’)

>> The nigh(t) breed, vampire, that is(was) the curse thrust upon his brother that horrible night.
(There shouldn’t be a comma after breed. At least I think you’re trying to say ‘night breed vampire’ correct?)

>> “I remember how fearful I was” grinning to himself, Orinon let his memories take over.
(There should be a period after ‘was’ and ‘Grinning’ should start off a new sentence.)

>>All right, from the second paragraph, you suddenly switch to the present tense and it’s a bit disconcerting since we’re not sure if this story is taking place in the present or if it’s something that’s happened in the past. You should maintain a consistent tone throughout the piece.

>> “Well I am not dead” said a deep and booming voice.
(There should be a comma after ‘dead’. Notice the corrections I’ve been making so far? You should always place a comma after a speech/dialogue especially if you plan on continuing with ‘he said’ or ‘he thought’ etc. You should go through the rest of your story and fix them accordingly.)

>> a hugely powerful body and strange hooves were(where) his feet should be.

>> summoning ever(y) bit of courage he can muster,

>>Excellent description of the minotaur.

>> “Minotaur” He says aloud,
(In addition to adding the comma after ‘minotaur’, the ‘he’ should not be capitalized.)

>> The gravity of the situations was daunting,
(‘Situation’ – it should be singular.)

>> “Hormoth” he says aloud,

he spun around catching sight of his brothers still form across the cavern floor.
(That should be broken into two separate sentences.)

>> Fear freezes his limbs for the last (time?) he saw him 9,) Jayden had laid him

>> He rush’s(rushes) to his brother’s side and takes his cold hand and press’s(presses) it to his breast.

>> We had seen the zombies and skeletons rise to fight us again and again and again.
(You’ve been writing in the third person so far…when did it suddenly switch to the first?? You might want to change this line or get rid of the ‘We’ and ‘us’ in that sentence.)

>> There was movement in the water

at that moment a large hand black as night, reached up from the depths of the pool and grasp(ed) Hormoth about(around) the leg!
(This section should be separated into two sentences.)

>> Impossibly fast (,) Hormoth’s six-foot frame was jerked backwards

>> Turning (,) the dark lord began the trek away from the grove and into the night.

>> His laughter (,)cold and haunting(,) echoed from the trees as he faded into shadow.

Overall this was a good attempt, but with a bit more polishing, it can be a gem. Thanks for sharing and good luck with the edits. Write on!

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14 days may be credited.

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#1060262 by iKïyå§ama

550

#1996405

Review of Untitled

Review by iKïyå§ama

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello Melanie Gelam

and welcome to WDC!

I’ll be reviewing your work Untitled

Overall Impression:

Format – You should either place single spaces between the paragraphs and dialogue or use the indent tag, so the work looks neater and more presentable to a reader at first glance.

Content- This is a short vignette that seems to tell of a rather terrifying incident that took place in the author’s life. You say this is a mixture of reality and fiction and I can tell where the reality-based events are…and perhaps where fiction sets in? I speak of the very last line in this piece that still has me scratching my head in confusion.

I went back to read the story again, trying to see if I missed anything, but no…either I’m still missing it or you don’t really give us any indication as to what ‘valve’ is being replaced and why? In fact, I’d say that this piece does seem a bit unfinished because you don’t really tell us why you fell down the stairs or what problems might have caused it. With that said, you do a great job showing us the extreme stress and pain you go through just taking one step at a time in the first few paragraphs. That was very nicely done. I just feel that there’s something missing in this piece to make it even better.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.

>> Why do they always(always) ask such dumb questions?

>> His sleep-heavy eyes looked relieved met mine and lit up briefly as he kissed the top of my head.
(This was a rather awkward sentence. I would probably re-write this to: [b}His sleep-heavy eyes looked relieved as they met mine, and lit up briefly as he kissed the top of my head.)

>> Then I hear(d) this loud thud and a sound like somebody falling down the stairs

>>Still slightly confused about the ending. Perhaps you could enlighten me.

Overall, this was a good read – but as mentioned earlier, still a few missing things that might need some clarification. Thanks for sharing and write on!

** Image ID #1096547 Unavailable **