Hello Rich and thank you for submitting your work A Dragon At The Door to "♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus]" .
Overall Impression:
Format – Generally, you have good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue. However, I’m not sure if you directly copied and pasted from your word document to the WDC page, because you had some paragraphs where lines seemed to be ‘cut’ off, making them look uneven.
Content: This is a fantasy story with settings to match the theme. We are introduced to a young warrior by the name of Emicarn, who stumbles across a fight in which he really doesn’t want to be a part of. However, his penchant to help others in need takes over and he finds himself rescuing the black-clad swordsman from the clutches of the villain. In gratitude, the mysterious man gives Emicarn a gift, which will end up becoming useful when he least expects it.
Pluses +
. You definitely know your fantasy or rather have a good feel for it, since your words seemed to capture the essence of that world quite well.
You do a relatively good job with the action scenes, but a few things had me puzzled, and they’re mentioned below.
The dialogue was excellent and you managed to keep the tone in that formal way that’s used in most stories of this nature.
Your characters (especially Emicarn) were quite unique and interesting in their own ways. You gave them personalities that make them stand out.
Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.
>>A few clouds blew across the face of the full moon as Emicarn's(Emicarn) crept
>>Moving among the trunks Emicarn (,) could see a faint light visible in a clearing just ahead.
(Always place a comma after the introductory phrase of a sentence.)
>>A body lay next to the fire, one arm in the flames, obviously this man was beyond caring.
(I would suggest re-writing this to either:A body lay next to the fire, one arm in the flames. Obviously, this man was beyond caring. or A body lay next to the fire with one arm in the flames. It was obvious this man was beyond caring.)
>>"Give up yet Black Crow?", jeered the axe man the black clad man fended off another set of attacks by the swordsman.
(Besides the wrong use of the comma after the question mark in the dialogue, the sentence was slightly confusing as you seem to join two ideas together. I’d suggest re-writing this to:”Give up yet, Black Crow?” jeere the axe man. The black-clad man fended off another set of attacks by the swordsman. )
>>"Why give up when the odds are so much more in my favor?" asked the man in reply.(response)
>>Parrying furiously (,) he managed to fend off most receiving a few cuts.
>>Moving out from between two trees (,) Emicarn grabbed the bowman from behind.
>>Furiously as the axe wielder swung several more times as Emicarn backpedaled from the large axe wielder.(him)
(The use of ‘axe wielder’ twice in the same sentence sounds redundant)
>>Relying more on brute strength then(than) skill, he was still a dangerous opponent.
>>Let him go (,) my friend.
>>The Black clad man slowly
(Why is ‘Black’ suddenly capitalized in that sentence when it hasn’t been in the previous paragraphs?)
>>Dragging the bodies of the dead off into the woods, Emicarn laid the man gently up on the rugs, covering him.
>>And as it turned out through the next two days as well as fever racked the man's body.
(This was a rather confusing sentence. I’d suggest changing it to: As it turned out, the next two days were dire ones as fever racked through the man’s body.)
>>As they ate, the man shared with Emicarn (that) he was traveling to his home
>>Used by a friend until he died during Emicarn's last campaign (,) it brought back more happy memories then sad.
>>golden filigree pattern over its' surface.
(Delete the apostrophe in underlined word)
>>This day had ended however with Emicarn standing over one of the young ruffians, he'd not even both to learn the man's name, after a solid punch to the man's face.
(This section is confusing and needs to be rewritten so the reader is able to comprehend the action taking place.)
>>"Do Not Trouble This Place Again."
(Instead of capitalizing each word in the sentence, perhaps you can try italicizing or bolding it for emphasis.)
>>As he watched (,)the man looked back over his shoulder,
(Without the comma, the sentence loses its true meaning.)
>>and both (were) quite dead given the large, tearing wounds of their chests.
>>As he sad, (sat?) the laughter barely controlled, tears beginning to fall down his face,
>>Personally, I find it hard to write fight scenes, because one has to be careful of who is doing what and to whom and how, when setting up such a thing. While reading the scene between Emicarn, the black-clad man and the others, it got a bit confusing and I almost lost my train of thought, struggling to keep up with who was dealing with who at some point. Try to use more adjectives to describe the individuals in the fight even if you do not want to reveal their names. Make each character a bit more distinct, so they don’t all blend in and get lost in the narrative.
>>I also noticed you did not put the punctuation – the question mark – at the end of sentences where the character has clearly asked a question.
As you can see, the story needs a bit more editing, but you do have a good storyline here and Emicarn’s tale is quite fascinating. I wish you the best of luck and thank you for sharing. Keep on writing!
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