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476
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Review of White Flowers  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)

Hello gmcferon *Smile*. I am a guest judge for
Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox  (ASR)
A monthly contest that focuses on Genre writing. CLOSED for the Summer.
#1092898 by StephBee


Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader. However, you will need to work on your dialogue.

Content: A young man reminisces about a special moment in time where he meets the woman of his dreams. He notices her with a bouquet of white flowers across a busy street, and after ‘pursuing’ her for a while, they finally engage in a relationship that’s deep and meaningful to both parties. Unfortunately, she does not live very long, an eventual victim of a drunk driving accident. The memory is still fresh in his mind and it hurts him to this day to speak about it.

Pluses +
*Bullet* An interesting setting and a generally good romantic. However, the errors that fill the piece make for a rather difficult read, and almost had me losing interest halfway through. *Frown*

*Bullet*Characterization- I also really wanted to relate to your characters, since you seemed to spend a lot of them trying to flesh them out. However, something doesn’t seem right about them, perhaps like mentioned earlier, the errors distract me from really getting into the story and enjoying them as much as I’d like. The dialogue gets mixed with the narration, and makes reading quite confusing.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>> Chrissy asked me, “What happened to you to change you like this? She was right, I was a wreck, at thirty six years old I was broken, my once arrogant and self assured manner was crushed.
(Where the dialogue ends and the next narrative begin is not well shown in the above section. I’d suggest re-writing this to: Chrissy asked me, “What made you change like this?” She was right. I was a wreck and at thirty six years old, I was broken. My once arrogant and self-assured manner was crushed.)

>> For God(‘)s sake I used to work in radio.

>> I sighed, thinking of the memories (,)and shaking my head I tried to clear my thoughts.
(Always place commas before the conjunctions ‘and/but/so/or’ especially if they’re between phrases that can stand alone as sentences.)

>> We met in a small town up the coast a couple years ago. We dated a couple times but fortunately it turned into a good friendship instead of love.
(Be wary of repetition. I’d suggest replacing one of those with something else.)

>> We hadn’t spoken in the two years since I had pulled my disappearing act.
(Another thing to be wary of – the use of the passive voice.)

>> Startled, by her question I thought, do I want to deal with or just tell her to piss off.
(Delete the comma after ‘startled’ and add a question mark after ‘off’)

>> I sat staring out at the water, a look of concentration on my face, as I contemplated what I would say. A tear trickled slowly down my cheek a look of concentration and a warm smile on my face I was re-living the memories.
(Again with repetition. You need to be wary of those.)

>> I said, “It had to be a miracle as I have never heard of anything like this happening before. I can only say I was as surprised as she was that this happened. I didn’t at the time believe in miracles or love at first sight. Today I am a believer.
(I was a bit confused about this section. Where does the narrator’s speech end and the narrative begin??)

>> The street was covered with people *Cut* there seemed to be hundreds milling around in the shops and on the high street.
(Break into two sentences.)

>> At the time I was struck less by her beauty then(than) the extraordinary loneliness in her eyes.

>> quickly crossed to her side of the street going up to her I said, “No, I don’t like your flowers” She looked at me in surprise and suddenly, unexpectedly, I realized I have been in love with this woman all my life. Extraordinary isn’t it.
(Missing a period after ‘flowers’ and the last sentence should be re-written as: Extraordinary, isn’t it?)

>>There were several more places in the story that could use some editing. There were still sections where the reader is not quite sure where the dialogue and narration ends or begins, there are parts of speech that don’t have the right punctuation, and some sentences that read too awkwardly and were a bit confusing.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

I think you had a great idea while writing this, but I’d suggest getting this edited and worked on again. It definitely has the potential to be an awesome tale. Thanks for your submission and good luck in the contest. *Smile*


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477
Review of Green Eyes  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Mitch *Smile*. I am a guest judge for
Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox  (ASR)
A monthly contest that focuses on Genre writing. CLOSED for the Summer.
#1092898 by StephBee


Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content- A young man is seen at a bar, drinking his life away it seems. The reader is not given any indication of why he’s acting this way, but whatever has him this inclined to get wasted must not be good. During this ‘binge’ stage, he stumbles across a woman in a bar, whom he considers the most beautiful he’s ever seen. They strike up conversation and one thing leads to another. The next day, he wakes up to a apology note from her, but is shocked at what he has done. Since discovering he’s been infected with the AIDS virus, he’s drowned his sorrows in alcohol and meeting Karen (as much as he loves her) has proven to be a grave mistake, for he believes he’s cursed her with a slow and eventual death. For weeks, he dreads meeting her in person even though he does his best to search for her. When he does find her, she too has a confession to make, for she’s also infected with the AIDS virus and has always lived in guilt, just as he has. Both end up getting married and have a beautiful baby girl, but at the time of the story being written, Karen has passed away and the narrator only has a few more months to live.

Pluses +

*Bullet* You do a good job creating the mood/ambience of the story, using words that show the moodiness and depressed feeling the narrator goes through especially in the beginning paragraphs.
*Bullet* The dialogue was nicely done – seemed a bit too dramatic – but works well for the situation sometimes.

*Bullet*Characterization- I must confess that I was a bit worried about your main character and his drinking binge. A part of me wondered if he’d be able to function at all, let alone think much with just how much you made him drink at several intervals. I guess some people are able to hold their liquor that well. All the same, you’ve created two main characters that the reader can really feel and identify with, especially with their feelings of love and remorse for what they both feel they’ve done wrong. It gives them more depth and makes them realistic enough.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>"Mulberry Street," I thought to myself. "Interesting name for a bar."
(When a character is ‘thinking’ it’s usually advisable to either use the single quotation mark (for American English I believe) or simply do without quotation marks at all. Some writers also choose to italicize those words to distinguish them from the rest of the narrative.)

>>an old fashioned coke machine for
(‘Coke’ should be capitalized since it’s a brand name – in small caps like that, it almost makes one believe you’re referring to the drug. *Smile*)

>>when she responded with an immediatly(immediately) eager and breathless yes.

>>I could have gone back to Mulberry Street to look (,) but I just couldn't face someone I loved to tell her I had killed her.
(A comma should always be placed before the conjunctions ‘but/so/and/or’ especially if they separate two phrases that can stand alone as sentences. I noticed this ‘error’ in several places within the story that you might want to change if you decide to re-edit this.)

>>"Do you remember the note I left you," she asked.
(Missing a question mark)

>>"Peter," she hesitated. "Peter, I have AIDS.
(Missing a quotation mark at the end of this sentence.)

>>I’d suggest removing the very last line in the sentence, or inserting in somewhere different. As it is now, it makes the story a bit incomplete and unfinished, as if the reader ought to expect more and doesn’t quite get it.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a touching story and quite romantic. Thanks for your submission and good luck in the contest. *Smile*


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478
478
Review of Angels  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Caryn ! *Smile* I will be reviewing your work Angels.

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making story more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content- This was an interesting piece of flash fiction that deals with a man realizing he’s naked in the middle of a busy street. His cries and yells for attention are not noticed and he thinks it quite peculiar that no one is noticing him or speaking to him about it. He fails to notice the gathering crowd behind him or the appearance of the paramedics as they cover up the body of a man who was just involved in an accident. Two angels, who have been witnessing the event, discuss the man’s rather pitiful position until one agrees to tell the man that he is no longer among the living. It’s a rather sad piece, and I’m not sure if you wrote this for a flash fiction contest, but you did a good job for the word limit given. Nicely done.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>‘He hasn’t realised it yet.’ said Ariel.
(Always place a comma after dialogue or speech given by a character especially if it’s directly followed the phrases ‘he said/she asked/he replied/said John/’ and anything in that variation. In this case, your sentence should read as: ’He hasn’t realized it yet,’ said Ariel. You should also change the second dialogue you have below this one in your piece since it has the same error.)

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Good job with this piece and keep on writing! *Smile*


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#1086031 by iKïyå§ama

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479
479
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo again GG very happy !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your poll Metric vs. Standard on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

Guilty! I don’t really understand both measurements so I didn’t reply to this one – don’t want to make a fool of myself by answering something that doesn’t make that much sense to me. But I do think they tried to introduce the metric system to the States at one time and it didn’t quite sit too well with the people *lol* Maybe you should have an explanation of what those two terms mean, so poll takers can understand which to choose from.

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On the Wings of a Dove  (13+)
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#1123007 by iKïyå§ama

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
480
480
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Lily ! *Smile* and welcome to WDC! I will be reviewing your work The Cat Lady today.

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content- This is a short story about a young woman, Jenna, who returns to her new home from a day of shopping. She feels she’s being watched, and notices the mysterious woman staring at her from the next house, only she really is the neighbor and doesn’t really make herself known to others. It still doesn’t dispel Jenna’s concerns as she makes her way into the house quickly. However, a scratching sound is soon heard and she discovers a calico cat that all but makes its way into her home and settles in. Wondering who it might belong to, Jenna is even more surprised as the old woman soon makes an appearance into her new home, uninvited.

The story was written in clear and simple way, each event simply stated and not much attention to detail given. It’s understandable enough, but you will want to work more on ‘showing’ the reader the things that take place instead of simply ‘telling’ them. One particular scene that almost had me sighing (not because it was boring or anything, but simply because of the way you kept repeating the same thing) was when she walked into her house, walked into her kitchen, then stopped, then heard a sound, then walked across the kitchen again, then walked towards the front door, then stopped again. You know the paragraph I’m talking about. That can all be cut into smaller sentences that will not only tell the reader exactly what happened in a few words, but without it sounding too redundant. The secret of ‘showing’ is to use more descriptive or action words to draw the reader into the scene. You do a good job showing us how Jenna feels at the sight of the woman peeking through the window, but you could have done more. Take for instance this line:

As she reached out to turn the door knob and pull the door open, the cat quickly jumped through the opening and headed straight for the kitchen. Startled, Jenna put her right hand to her chest and gasped. She definitely was not expecting that to happen. As she walked back into the kitchen the calico quickly came over and started rubbing against her legs.

The section in red is the part that would have the reader feeling a bit unsatisfied (for lack of a better word) – a cat suddenly jumps into your house, and she was startled yes, but she recovered pretty quickly, didn’t she? Also her reaction, although pointed out clearly, could be written in another way that makes the reader ‘feel’ the same way she must have at that moment. In this case,

Startled, Jenna jumped back with a right hand upon her chest, gasping in shock at the intrusion. She had definitely not expected that to happen. As she walked back to the kitchen, heart still pounding at the sudden turn of events, the cat quickly came over and started rubbing itself against her legs, purring in content.

Remember this is just a suggestion and you do not have to write my example up there, but at least you get the idea now of what ‘showing’ and ‘telling’ are. Being able to use more adjectives will enrich and make your story stand out. It will definitely make the reader want to know and read more. *Smile*

*Bullet*Characterization- I think you did a good job with the description of the old woman. The reader has a clear idea of what she looks like, and from her personality, one can assume she’s aloof and antisocial. Jenna, although not really given any physical characteristics, her personality is one that seems to be friendly to animals and is possibly a hard worker since this is her new home and she’s just returning from getting more things to decorate her house with. I would have liked to know more about her though, which is why the abrupt end was a bit surprising.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>> As she put the car in "park" and turned the engine off (,) her attention slowly turned toward the old, run down house on the other side of the picket fence. Jenna's gaze was slowly drawn to the second floor.
(You always want to place a comma after the introductory phrase of a sentence. In the underlined section, notice anything in common there? The use of the same action ‘slowly turned’ and ‘slowly drawn’ makes it sound redundant or repetitive. I’d suggest using some other phrase to show the motion made while looking up the window for either sentence. You could simply do without the ‘slowly’ in the second sentence. It will work just fine without it.)

>> "Man that lady really gives me the creeps." Jenna thought to herself as she stepped out of the car and shut the door.
(First off, when writing a character’s thoughts, you can either chose to put the words in single quotation marks or simply do without quotation marks at all. Also, a comma is placed after the speech given, especially if it’s continued with a phrase directly associated with the speech. In this case: ’Man, that lady really gives me the creeps,’ Jenna thought to herself…)

>> As she walked back into the kitchen (,) the calico (cat?) quickly came over and started rubbing against her legs

>> "She belongs to me." Came a voice from behind her.
(Same rule as mentioned above. Place a comma after ‘me’ and change the ‘Came’ to ‘came’ since it’s a continuation of the sentence.)

>>Always watch out for the comma placements as mentioned. There were several other places that needed them, but I don’t want to paste them all here.

>>And is this the end of the story? *Confused* I hope you plan to either add more to it or have a second chapter, since this ends rather abruptly and leaves the reader wanting to know more. If it is indeed going to be continued, you might want to write a note above the story saying that it’s a work in progress and will be completed in time, otherwise, you’re bound to get some disgruntled readers.)


*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*
Overall this, for the meantime, is an interesting beginning to a much longer story, and I’ll hope you take the time to complete it someday. Thanks for sharing and write on. *Smile*


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#1092645 by iKïyå§ama

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
481
481
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello Lily ! *Smile* and welcome to WDC! I will be reviewing your work The Cat Lady today.

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content- This is a short story about a young woman, Jenna, who returns to her new home from a day of shopping. She feels she’s being watched, and notices the mysterious woman staring at her from the next house, only she really is the neighbor and doesn’t really make herself known to others. It still doesn’t dispel Jenna’s concerns as she makes her way into the house quickly. However, a scratching sound is soon heard and she discovers a calico cat that all but makes its way into her home and settles in. Wondering who it might belong to, Jenna is even more surprised as the old woman soon makes an appearance into her new home, uninvited.

The story was written in clear and simple way, each event simply stated and not much attention to detail given. It’s understandable enough, but you will want to work more on ‘showing’ the reader the things that take place instead of simply ‘telling’ them. One particular scene that almost had me sighing (not because it was boring or anything, but simply because of the way you kept repeating the same thing) was when she walked into her house, walked into her kitchen, then stopped, then heard a sound, then walked across the kitchen again, then walked towards the front door, then stopped again. You know the paragraph I’m talking about. That can all be cut into smaller sentences that will not only tell the reader exactly what happened in a few words, but without it sounding too redundant. The secret of ‘showing’ is to use more descriptive or action words to draw the reader into the scene. You do a good job showing us how Jenna feels at the sight of the woman peeking through the window, but you could have done more. Take for instance this line:

As she reached out to turn the door knob and pull the door open, the cat quickly jumped through the opening and headed straight for the kitchen. Startled, Jenna put her right hand to her chest and gasped. She definitely was not expecting that to happen. As she walked back into the kitchen the calico quickly came over and started rubbing against her legs.

The section in red is the part that would have the reader feeling a bit unsatisfied (for lack of a better word) – a cat suddenly jumps into your house, and she was startled yes, but she recovered pretty quickly, didn’t she? Also her reaction, although pointed out clearly, could be written in another way that makes the reader ‘feel’ the same way she must have at that moment. In this case,

Startled, Jenna jumped back with a right hand upon her chest, gasping in shock at the intrusion. She had definitely not expected that to happen. As she walked back to the kitchen, heart still pounding at the sudden turn of events, the cat quickly came over and started rubbing itself against her legs, purring in content.

Remember this is just a suggestion and you do not have to write my example up there, but at least you get the idea now of what ‘showing’ and ‘telling’ are. Being able to use more adjectives will enrich and make your story stand out. It will definitely make the reader want to know and read more. *Smile*

*Bullet*Characterization- I did you did a good job with the description of the old woman. The reader has a clear idea of what she looks like, and from her personality, one can assume she’s aloof and antisocial. Jenna, although not really given any physical characteristics, her personality is one that seems to be friendly to animals and is possibly a hard worker since this is her new home and she’s just returning from getting more things to decorate her house with. I would have liked to know more about her though, which is why the abrupt end was a bit surprising.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>> As she put the car in "park" and turned the engine off (,) her attention slowly turned toward the old, run down house on the other side of the picket fence. Jenna's gaze was slowly drawn to the second floor.
(You always want to place a comma after the introductory phrase of a sentence. In the underlined section, notice anything in common there? The use of the same action ‘slowly turned’ and ‘slowly drawn’ makes it sound redundant or repetitive. I’d suggest using some other phrase to show the motion made while looking up the window for either sentence. You could simply do without the ‘slowly’ in the second sentence. It will work just fine without it.)

>> "Man that lady really gives me the creeps." Jenna thought to herself as she stepped out of the car and shut the door.
(First off, when writing a character’s thoughts, you can either chose to put the words in single quotation marks or simply do without quotation marks at all. Also, a comma is placed after the speech given, especially if it’s continued with a phrase directly associated with the speech. In this case: ’Man, that lady really gives me the creep,’ Jenna thought to herself…)

>> As she walked back into the kitchen (,) the calico (cat?) quickly came over and started rubbing against her legs

>> "She belongs to me." Came a voice from behind her.
(Same rule as mentioned above. Place a comma after ‘me’ and change the ‘Came’ to ‘came’ since it’s a continuation of the sentence.)

>>Always watch out for the comma placements as mentioned. There were several other places that needed them, but I don’t want to paste them all here.

>>And is this the end of the story? *Confused* I hope you plan to either add more to it or have a second chapter, since this ends rather abruptly and leaves the reader wanting to know more. If it is indeed going to be continued, you might want to write a note above the story saying that it’s a work in progress and will be completed in time, otherwise, you’re bound to get some disgruntled readers.)


*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*
Overall this, for the meantime, is an interesting beginning to a much longer story, and I’ll hope you take the time to complete it someday. Thanks for sharing and write on. *Smile*


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#1086031 by iKïyå§ama

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
482
482
Review of mirror  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello bluepenny ! *Smile* and welcome to WDC! I will be reviewing your work Mirror today.

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Not applicable since poem is only a stanza long.

*Bullet*Content- This was a rather interesting piece, since this seems to be told from the point of view of a girl staring at her reflection in the mirror. Your summary ‘school toilets’ also points to the fact that this is told from a girl who has to deal with the typical peer pressure faced in high schools. The need to look a certain way to ‘fit’ is something that girls have to deal with on a daily basis, and with this piece, you’ve stated the different things that you’ve noticed and observed with teenage girls. The last line pretty much sums up the feeling of no self-worth and low self-esteem. That despite all these things mentioned, the poet still assumes she’s a monster. It’s definitely not a good feeling to have, and one can only wish that the girl behind the piece can finally come to know that true beauty does come from within.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>No rating was given for this, so I’d suggest giving it a PG-13 rating.

>>I am not sure if the lower case ‘I’ in the poem is done on purpose, but I’d suggest capitalizing them, by that I mean these lines:
not that i want too look in the mirror,
but i am a monster.

>> not that i want too(to) look in the mirror,

>> strait(straight) hair that ought to be wavy.

>> There occupied with beautiful reflections.
(You began this line with a capital letter when the rest of the piece all begin with small caps. You might want to change this one to keep things consistent.)

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Thanks for sharing and write on. *Smile*


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#1092992 by iKïyå§ama

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483
483
Review of Hell  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Zer0 ! *Smile* and welcome to WDC! I will be reviewing your work Hell today.

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between stanzas making the poem more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content- This was an interesting take on Hell and what it means to you. In this case, you seem to draw upon the life you live and what you’re surrounded with, be it drugs or with a boss that’s not quite what he seems. I wasn’t quite sure of what rhyming scheme you were trying to adopt here. The first stanza had a good flow and had a specific rhythm, but the last few stanzas suddenly seemed more free verse, or maybe it’s just the change in number of lines within a stanza that threw me off a bit. Overall, this was a good piece, filled with dark imagery that is clearly pictured in the reader’s mind. Good job.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>I noticed you had no rating for this. You might want to change it to the PG-13 rating when you go back to edit the piece.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Thanks again for sharing this and write on! *Smile*


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On the Wings of a Dove  (13+)
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#1123007 by iKïyå§ama

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
484
484
Review of Thomas' Pain  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hallo again Robert Waltz !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work Thomas’ Pain on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content- Ouch. Poor Thomas and his quest for freedom. That didn’t quite work out well, did it? *lol* The end did have me wondering how eerily similar most people today tend to follow their leaders blindly, without questioning their decisions or what they’re really up to. But not to get into the political side of things, although one still can’t help comparing Thomas’ speech of freedom and liberation to that, this was a funny tale of Thanksgiving jitters as seen through the eyes of turkeys. Suddenly empowered with the ability to ‘see’ the great wide world and to understand human speech as we know it, Thomas is enlightened and seeks to save his fellow comrades in turkeydom from the evil claws of humans and their need for food. His speech is invigorating and convincing enough to have the short attention span creatures galvanize into action. Unfortunately, it seems like the humans win this in the end as our brave leader takes the plunge into the depths of oblivion, closely followed by his adoring audience. Such a tragic end, and yet I can’t stop smiling. Goodness. Your comedy stories are fun to read and I definitely enjoyed this one.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>“I think,” thought Thomas. “Therefore, I am.”
(I wasn’t quite sure about this because of the quotation marks. Is he speaking this out loud or not? If not, you can choose to use the single quotation marks or simply do without them at all.)

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Great job all around and keep it up! *Smile*


** Image ID #1134564 Unavailable **
The WDC Artists Auction for Charity  (13+)
AUCTION CLOSED! Thank you everyone for your participation!
#1086031 by iKïyå§ama

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
485
485
Review of First Date  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hallo Robert Waltz !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work First Date on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content- Oh yeah, I do believe I remember this as a prompt to the Writer’s Cramp or something like that, and wow, did you do a great job with this or what? Not only was this funny and entertaining, but the dialogue has got to be the winner in this one. *Laugh* You’ve managed to show the reader in a short time, and without much description, the conversation between a man hoping to drink himself into a stupor, and his best friend forced to listen to a story about one of the weirdest evenings spent yet. Apparently, the drunk guy has just been through the most bizarre date yet, where the girl only seems to enjoy talking about snakes, but on getting to her house, it turns out she’s anything but a snake ‘fan’ at all. Her home is completely covered with the cutest things possible – Hello Kitty merchandise. I think that had me cracking up after reading that line. Good job with this piece. I hope you won for that round. This was definitely a fun read.


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#1086031 by iKïyå§ama

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
486
486
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Yuallica !*Smile* and thank you for submitting your work Less Than Perfect Wizard to "♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus]" 

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content- This is the story of a not so conventional wizard. Unlike the stories of lore, where wizards and witches were strong, brave and wise, we are faced with the wizard – Meran – who is anything but brave and strong. So yes, he can cast spells and work a few magic tricks here and there, but he is absolutely terrified of being in a battle, and could do without it. So much so, that after eavesdropping on a conversation between the humans and elves over an upcoming battle with the orcs, and realizing that they were going to seek him out, our ‘hero’ goes into hiding. Unfortunately, through a slip up, he gives away his location and the four warriors accost him, seeking and demanding his help for they know that without Meran’s magic, they were likely to lose the battle. Despite his pleas and concerns about this ‘battle fright’, he still goes along with them on the journey and does the best he can. When the main battle finally arrives, he flees from the scene, only to have a change of heart as he thinks long and hard about his decision. Hoping he hasn’t arrived too late to the battlefield, he finally helps to win the fight, which in the end garners him praise and admiration from both humans and elves alike.

What I enjoyed most about this story is the ‘human’ side you’ve given to Meran. Here’s a person that’s supposed to be all-powerful, without fear, and larger than life, but instead, he’s cowardly and afraid of getting hurt in the middle of a fight. He shrieks like a little girl when frightened and tends to cast the wrong spells when agitated too badly. Hardly the qualifications of a good wizard, eh? You have a simple, easy to read and digest writing style, and the dialogue flowed well – also written in a way that’s suitable for the era/location/setting. I particularly enjoyed Leot’s drunken speech. You did a good job showing that he is indeed drunk with the slurred words. I also don’t know if you were deliberately making a play on the ‘Lord of the Rings’ characters because they four warriors in the story definitely sounded like Legolas, Aragon and the others to me. *Smile* A nice colorful cast all the same.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>> all of whom the wizard had met at on(e) point or another.

>> “We’re ridiculously outnumbered,” One of the humans was saying,
(No need to capitalize ‘One’ since it’s still a part of the sentence.)

>> The elf scoffed, “Him? Oh yes, he’s (a) real help!”

>> “So they’re coming to get me (,) are they?”

>> If the old wizard hadn’t answered yet, he knew why they were there; and if he knew that (,) he would never answer the door.
(Without the ‘pause’ created by the comma placement, the sentence reads a bit awkwardly.)

>> Waving the elf away from it (,) he muttered a quiet incantation under his breathe(breath) and the door flew
(Yet another comma rule *lol* Always place them after the introductory phrase of a sentence.)

>> “Enemies don’t.” Leot told him shortly. “They just attack.”
(Place a comma after don’t instead of the period.)

>> They met orc raiding partied more and more frequently after that.
(Did you mean They met orc raiding parities more and more frequently after that.?)

>> The only good thing about it was the(that) Meran seemed to be improving.

>> When they had been there for a full week (,) the orc army was spotted.
>> When the perturbed soldiers realised he was gone (,) their hopes sank even lower.
>> Back in a small grove of tree several miles away (,) Meran was fretfully watching the destruction occur.
(Same rule as mentioned earlier – commas after introductory phrases)

>> As the orcs retreated and the confusion receded people began to spot the wizard, stood(standing) in a clearing with a mixture of terror and determination on his face as he drove back the orcs.
(The underlined section shows that you’re basically repeating the same thing twice in one sentence. You want to avoid redundancy as much as possible, so to re-write you can simply put it as so: As the orcs retreated and the confusion receded, people began to spot the wizard, standing in a clearing with a mixture of terror and determination on his face as he drove them away. In fact, I don’t even think you need anything after the word ‘face’. The sentence will still read fine without it.)

>>Nice finish, but there’s still something about it that makes me feel it could have had a much stronger ending. *Confused* Perhaps I was hoping that the four main characters would have met with Meran again to congratulate him on sticking with them, since the story was focused on them most of the time. Did they survive or not? What happened to them? See what I mean? You might just want to think about that if you decide to work more on the story.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, an entertaining piece, but as you can see, it still needs a little bit of work left. Keep up the good work and write on. *Smile*


** Image ID #1091919 Unavailable **
FOLDER
C-Note Alley  (E)
Pay a visit to several c-note shops with a little something for everyone.
#1092992 by iKïyå§ama

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
487
487
Review of Linericks  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello deemac *Smile*. I am a guest judge for
IN & OUT
The Best of the Rest at the Bee Hive   (E)
MAY 2024 Contest is open! Submit your Word Searches!
#1134192 by StephBee


Overall Impression:

Pluses +

*Bullet* Your contest was nominated with the reason ‘it’s a great way to cure my writer’s block’ and I can definitely see why. *Smile* This looks like a fun interactive/in-and-out, where the participants are requested to write a limerick (a play off the word/term limerick) that matches the previous line written. In other words, we are looking at possibly one long and fun limerick being written with each new addition. I’ve had the pleasure of reading several and not only does it bring a smile to my face, I’m amazed at the creativity it displays. We’ve definitely got some talented individuals on this site, haven’t we?

*Bullet* The rules are clear and concise, leaving no room for questions. You also do a good job linking to what a limerick is, so those who are not familiar with what it might be all about, get a chance to investigate, familiarize themselves with it and join in the fun!

*Bullet* Good use of ML tags to brighten things up a bit, making use of not just different font colors, but also emoticons to highlight important points.

*Bullet* Bonus points for having one of the best lines yet: Having fun is compulsory! *Laugh*

Minuses –

None that I could see.

This is a fun interactive that should gather more participants with the right exposure. So if you love poetry or just want to give this a go, stop by and join in, folks! *Bigsmile* Conversation is lively and the limericks might just have you bursting a gut with laughter. Keep it up and good luck in the contest!
488
488
Review of Questions  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Omi is Grad-e-ated *Smile*. I am a guest judge for
IN & OUT
The Best of the Rest at the Bee Hive   (E)
MAY 2024 Contest is open! Submit your Word Searches!
#1134192 by StephBee


Overall Impression:

Pluses +

*Bullet* Oh yay! I’m familiar with the show ‘Whose Line Is It Anyway?’ although I haven’t watched it in like forever. This in and out seems like a fun one, where each participant is supposed to respond to a question with a question. It’s bound to get wacky at some point and according to your testimonial it just is. *Laugh*

*Bullet* The rules are clear and concise – not that there’re many rules to abide to – just not to forget answering the previous question with another of your own – as well as keeping things clean and not above the 13+ rating. Seems fair enough, and also gives everyone a chance to participate.

*Bullet* Good use of the ML tags, at least for the font colors, so things are a bit interesting. I would suggest using more emoticons to make things a bit interesting, but it might not be all that necessary anyway. I like the addition of the testimonials by other players. Some of the quotes definitely had me laughing, and reading through some of the conversation is enough to either give one a headache or have them cracking up.

Overall, this is a fun interactive, no major minuses to complain of. Keep it up and good luck in the contest! *Smile*


** Image ID #1087476 Unavailable **
"Kiya's Custom Orders Shoppe" 
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
489
489
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Breezy-E ~ In College *Smile*. I am a guest judge for
IN & OUT
The Best of the Rest at the Bee Hive   (E)
MAY 2024 Contest is open! Submit your Word Searches!
#1134192 by StephBee


Overall Impression:

Pluses +

*Bullet* I can see that a lot of thought and preparation went into the creation of this contest. *Smile* It’s every budding writer’s dream to get published, and with this, you’ve created the perfect stepping stone for anyone hoping to achieve that goal. This contest isn’t for the ‘faint of heart’ folks. You’ve got to be dedicated and committed to seeing this through!

*Bullet* The rules are clear and concise, with the option for readers/contestants to email you if you have any questions.

*Bullet* Judges are well represented for each genre – since this is quite a ‘massive’ undertaking, and I’m pleased you have such a wide range of genres and individuals willing to help you out. This not only promotes community spirit, but a chance for many to be introduced to genres they might not have read before. You have specified the deadlines and judging dates – which is very important as contestants would like to know how long they have to wait for winners to be announced.

*Bullet* You have also set up a forum for members to participate and hang out in, perhaps to encourage each other, which is always a good thing. Donations made to the group are posted clearly, and there is a group set up to receive/house funds.

Minuses –

*Bullet* A few spelling errors were noticed while reading:

>> Please specify genre, and notify me if there are any rating restricions.(restrictions)

>> These people graciously offer(d) to judge, but had no entrants.

>> A note: I was told that it was up to me to publisise(publicize) this,

*Bullet* Although the use of images within a contest forum is not a requirement, it still helps to brighten things up a bit and it can (believe it or not) attract more readers to the forum. A good welcoming image showing what the contest is all about gives one bonus points. You should also try to make more use of the ML tags to spice things up a bit. Yes, you do use some different colored fonts here and there, but there are many other emoticons that can be used with this. Underline/highlight the beginning of a ‘new topic’ within the main message board. Take for the instance the ‘How to Enter’ section – One almost misses it as a topic header while reading through the first time.

*Bullet* I’d also suggest not centering the first half of the welcoming message…all the way down to Entry fees. Why? Some of the words wrap to the next line and makes for awkward reading, almost making it look a bit untidy.


Overall, I think this is a wonderful idea and I applaud you for doing something this inspiring for writers on the website! Good luck with your endeavors (and in the Sporadic contest for August as well)! *Smile*


** Image ID #1091919 Unavailable **
"C-Note Alley" 
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
490
490
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Cat-Claws is 22 Years Old! *Smile*. I am a guest judge for
IN & OUT
The Best of the Rest at the Bee Hive   (E)
MAY 2024 Contest is open! Submit your Word Searches!
#1134192 by StephBee


Overall Impression:

First off, the contest doesn’t seem to have been active in a while. Do you plan to continue this in the future or…?

Pluses +

*Bullet* I must applaud you on tackling something this huge and, of course, different from most auctions. It takes a lot of time and dedication to go researching everything about Norse gods, as well as the anime show to incorporate them into a story that goes along with each signature. It’s definitely an ingenious way to sell off your pictures (almost like a tour guide leading one through a museum) making each one more important for purchase. The reader does learn something new and helpful and might whet his or her appetite enough to make one want to watch the show! Nice. *Smile*

*Bullet*The rules are clear and concise, leaving no room for questions on how this auction is to be run. The start and end date of the auction is made quite visible for others to see.

*Bullet* You make good use of the ML tags to brighten up the forum, and you also have a good introductory image to welcome readers to your forum. Very attention grabbing. I also like the fact that you’ve added links at the end of the forum to guide readers who might be interested in reading more about the culture, the anime or the mangaka.

*Bullet* Your prizes, besides the signatures are also unique and different – a review from 3 different characters?? Wow, that takes dedication right there!

Minuses –

*Bullet* Too time consuming – to be honest, when I looked at this forum at first, I wondered if anyone would really have the time to sit down to read through all of this. Auctions are supposed to be ‘fast and furious’ (to borrow a term) and a reader/buyer, doesn’t want to have to go through a lot of text just to get to the goodies. The rules alone – clear as they are – are much too much for one to deal with at first read. I can understand the need to emphasize various things, but be careful about being too wordy, or readers will turn away faster than you can say ‘anime.’

*Bullet* The Spoiler Effect – as an anime fan, if I saw this forum and was someone interested in watching the show, I wouldn’t want to bid on it, neither would I want to read through it because it contains a lot of spoilers. You might want to put up a sign saying that somewhere in the forum, so the reader can make up their mind whether to go ahead and read or not.

*Bullet* The Bonus Prizes – Cute and well thought and great as they are, like you mentioned in your post, it’s going to take a while to get them done. I cannot speak for all writers/readers/buyers, but the aim of an auction is to get the prizes to the winners as quickly as they can, and if you’re swamped with stories that you have to write 3 different reviews for each story I can’t even begin to imagine how much time you spend on that.

Perhaps it was these factors that have made the forum ‘slow’? I really think it’s something unique and different from the usual, but you might want to consider revamping a few things to attract more people if you wish to start it over again. Thanks again for your submission and good luck in the contest! *Smile*


** Image ID #1087476 Unavailable **
"Kiya's Custom Orders Shoppe" 
Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
491
491
Review of Phoenix Ch. 2  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hallo Billi !*Smile* I am reviewing your work Phoenix – Chapter 2

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content- In this chapter, there is a confrontation between Phoenix and Deacon, but not before Phoenix realizes that Deacon is spreading some kind of rumor about him – I must have missed what the rumor was – ah, yes! Being with the cheerleaders. Of course this gets Phoenix pretty upset, but being the rational thinker and ‘bully’ he is, he thinks of a way to downplay the rumors by starting one of his own. Using Layna – the girl Deacon has a crush on – as bait, he goads her into believing that Deacon is a liar, and that he’s willing to do anything to get her current boyfriend out of school to get with her. Being quite gullible, or perhaps simply swayed because it’s ‘The Phoenix’ talking, she believes this little tale and proceeds to act quite coolly towards Deacon. Another confrontation between the two boys results in Phoenix making his intentions quite clear to the new kid about his status in school and how much of a waste of time his antics are going to be. And believing he’s set the wheels of revenge in motion, Phoenix sits back to enjoy the ride.
To be honest, as much as this sounds good on paper, this is first and foremost a storyline that’s been done quite a lot – especially when it comes to teenage dramatic tales. The new kid comes to school, tries to act tough, gets pushed around by the bully (who just so happens to be the star of this storyline.) However, even though you say that Phoenix isn’t a bully, the past two chapters do not really give any indication that he isn’t. He’s really turning out not to be such a likeable character and I’m not sure if this is deliberate or not. If it is, then kudos to creating a guy that the reader would love to hate, but otherwise, if you were hoping to garner some sympathy for him, it’s really not going to work. He’s almost one-dimensional, with no real character development and we are an intro and two chapters in! I would like to know that Phoenix is not just a guy that’s bent on just having a one track mind about seeking revenge – there’s got to be other things to make him more interesting. Ah, you do introduce the girl who doesn’t seem to be afraid of him, but not much is said about her yet. Maybe in the next chapter?
And last but not least, I think I already spoke about the difference between ‘telling’ and ‘showing’. Telling in a story, is simply placing the sentences out there, as if it’s been cut and paste, with no real feelings or emotions behind them. And as I read the story, it definitely gave me that impression. An example would be this:

Telling: Layna listened, obviously curious with a slight fear at hearing that demonic voice in her ear. When it registered what she had heard, she turned to fully look at Phoenix.

Showing: Layna cocked her head to the side and listened, obviously curious, but yet afraid at hearing the demonic voice whispering in her ear. Her heartbeat thumped loudly as his words finally registered, while slowing turning to face him with disbelief on her features.

You mustn’t necessarily go with my exact words, but at least you get the idea of what I’m trying to say. Make use of more descriptive words, adjectives in your story to enrich a scene(s).

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>Don't read into this, I just wanted to warn you," Phoenix explained calmly. Layna listened, obviously curious with a slight fear at hearing that demonic voice in her ear. Don't read into this, I just wanted to warn you," Phoenix explained calmly. *Paragraph* Layna listened, obviously curious with a slight fear at hearing that demonic voice in her ear.
(Break off the sentences in that location and start off with a new paragraph)

>>When it registered what she had heard, she turned to fully look at Phoenix.
(I think a little rearranging of the words in this section would make it a bit more understandable. Perhaps saying: When what she heard had fully registered, she turned to look at Phoenix.)

>>Just then, the bell rang, making the girl jump. And the group that had been in the hall made their way into the classroom and to their seats.
(Change the period after ‘jump’ to a comma)

>>This was only his second year at the high school. So, he still acted like a student sometimes.
(Same as above, change the period to a comma after ‘school’)

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was another decent effort, but I’m sure with a bit more polishing it will become an even better read. Good luck and write on. *Smile*


** Image ID #1096547 Unavailable **
The WDC Artists Auction for Charity  (13+)
AUCTION CLOSED! Thank you everyone for your participation!
#1086031 by iKïyå§ama

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
492
492
Review of Phoenix Ch. 1  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hallo Billi !*Smile* I am reviewing your work Phoenix – Chapter 1

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content- Good! A little more dialogue in this one, so we actually get to ‘hear’ Phoenix talking, this time to a new student by the name of Deacon, who arrives with the intention of being the new ‘tough guy’ in school. Unfortunately, it seems like Phoenix is aware of guys like him and is not easily intimated, hence a little chat with his new ‘friend’ Deacon, proves to be the new boy’s undoing. He’s easily swayed by girls and at the end of the chapter, finds himself wanting to know more about a girl by the name of Layna. However, Phoenix warns him off her, for reasons not clearly given, but it’s clear that Phoenix has found a new ‘playmate’ to mess around with. He thinks it would be fun dealing with the new kid.

*Bullet*Characterization- We are introduced to a new character by the name of Deacon, who at first would seem like the completele opposite of Phoenix, except that we get to know his true personality as a skirt-chaser and not quite hell bent on being the most fearsome guy in school. We do see hints of violence in Deacon as he reacts ‘silently’ to Phoenix’s goading. You also describe him well enough for the reader to have a clear vision of who he is. Good job.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>> One day, though, there was a new student in Phoenix's classes.
(The use of the word ‘though’ is too casual for this kind of narrative especially since we’re not hearing this from a character’s POV. I’d suggest re-writing this to: One day, a new student arrived in Phoenix’s class. or However, one day, there was a new student in Phoenix’s class. I’m not sure about the ‘classes’ you used in your sentence, unless the student was in every single class that Phoenix attended. *Confused*)

>> The boy's name was Deacon (,)and he seemed ready to take Phoenix's place as the most feared boy in school.

>> He had dark blond hair and dark eyes, which seemed to be as emotionless as Phoenix's. Except for one moment, when a girl from a few of Phoenix's classes strolled by.
(Perhaps a semi-colon would work better in that position than a period – after Phoenix’s that is)

>> After a few minutes of silence, Phoenix had finished what he was writing and he slipped the notebook back into its hiding spot.
(Try to avoid using that word as much as possible – the passive voice in a story can slow down its pace and make it almost tedious to read)

>> When he felt that the new boy had looked away, the original fear of the school calmly slid from his spot and joined the kid in sitting on top of the table.
(Blame it on the late hour, but it actually took me a while to understand what you were trying to say in the underlined section. I’d suggest re-writing that section to: When he felt that the new boy had looked away, the once fearsome leader of the school, calmly slid from his spot… With that, the reader knows that you’re referring to Phoenix and not some abstract concept.)

>> Phoenix coolly looked at the new kid, easily making his eyes cold.
(Remember what I said in the previous chapter about redundancy? Same thing applies here. Phoenix looked coolly and then made his eyes cold?? Doesn’t quite make sense when read that way. Perhaps saying: Phoenix looked at him with eyes as cold as ice. or Phoenix gave him a cool glance.)

>> Phoenix gestured towards Layna, who had so easily caught Deacon's stares.(attention)
(See if the word ‘attention’ reads better to you in that position)

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Not much progress in this chapter, except for simply realizing that Phoenix likes to intimidate those he considers rivals/opponents and takes great pride in finding their weaknesses and crushing them. The dialogue was okay, and the flow of the story was a bit better than the previous chapter, but you’ve still got some polishing to do. *Smile*


** Image ID #1087476 Unavailable **
♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus]  (ASR)
Need your poem or short story reviewed? Hop on in!
#1060262 by iKïyå§ama

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
493
493
Review of Phoenix Intro  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hallo Billi !*Smile* I am reviewing your work Phoenix - Intro

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content- This first chapter, as the title states, basically introduces the reader to this character, Phoenix. We are told of his characteristics, his personality and how he relates to others. You do a good job setting those up, so points to you for that. However, your sentences read somewhat choppy to me, perhaps it’s because you were so focused on ‘telling’ us all about Phoenix that you actually ignore ‘showing’ us what he’s really all about.

*Bullet*Characterization- In regards to this, I think the whole chapter just talks about Phoenix and what he’s all about. You could almost label this a character sketch, with not much else happening – besides his interaction with others (which isn’t all that good). He’s like a contradiction in some way – smart, ruthless and yet he’s not one to pay attention in class, neither is he a bully – so why does he have such ‘evil’ eyes and persona? Hopefully the next few chapters will explain that.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>One thing that struck me while reading the first paragraph alone was the constant change in tense. You switch from present to past in an inconsistent way that makes it quite confusing to the reader at first. You should decide which tone you wish to maintain throughout the piece and stick to it as much as possible.

>> He was the only one in school that you didn't mess with, yet he didn't take advantage of that, *Cut* he wasn't a bully.
(Separate into two different sentences.)

>> Some said that he was a mute, but when he was teased, his eyes flamed up and his angry voice could cut the steel in his enemy's taunts while he calmly, yet angrily, told them to back off.
(The underlined section is somewhat redundant. We know that he has an angry way of speaking, so repeating it in the same line is not really necessary. I’d suggest re-writing this to: Some said that he was mute, but when he was teased, his eyes flamed up and his angry voice could cut the steel in his enemy’s taunts as he calmly told them to back off.

>> Most were smart enough to learn and only tease him once, but a few of them... Phoenix had to show them not to mess with him.
(This was another section that read slightly awkward because of the repetition of words that weren’t really needed. To re-write: Most were smart enough to learn and only tease him once, but for a few, Phoenix had to show them not to mess with him. Notice that I deleted the first ‘them’ in the sentence.)

>>There are several other sentences within the story with the same problem. You want to be careful of repetitions as it makes the story somewhat more tedious for the reader. Try to add more dialogue (and I hope you do with the upcoming chapters) for that too sometimes helps to make a story more lively and entertaining.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a decent beginning – and almost makes the reader want to know more about Phoenix and why he acts the way he does. Off to the next chapter! *Smile*


Angel Army Signature
The WDC Artists Auction for Charity  (13+)
AUCTION CLOSED! Thank you everyone for your participation!
#1086031 by iKïyå§ama

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
494
494
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello BonnieJoy ! *Smile* I am a guest judge for the "Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox"  and I’ll be reviewing your entry The Last Scoop of Ice Cream

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content- It’s always interesting to read stories from a unique perspective, in this case, we get to share the last moments of an ice scream scoop as it gets ready to be sold to a hungry customer. It laments its fate being in a frozen box, and talks of ways its avoided getting scooped all this time. However, today is the last day and finally a customer comes to claim him for a taste. But despite its purchase, it still does its best to fight off being swallowed and settles for falling to the floor instead (a waste of perfectly good ice cream if you ask me *lol*) Considering how much word limit was given for this entry, I’m surprised at how short it is – it would have worked well if the ending was more effective. I don’t think you finished it off as ‘cleanly’ as I thought it should be. Perhaps writing something in regards to how the ice cream felt at not giving in, because as it stands, it still reads as if we ought to expect more.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>First you might want to rate this item and a 13+ should be good enough.

>> As I sat in the cold, frosty show case, I wondered what my faith(fate) would be.

>> “Always look your best,” They told us. “It (It’s) an honor to be eaten.”
(‘They’ should not be capitalized, since it’s a continuation of the speech given by the narrator)

>> “I want that one,” a small cubby (did you mean ‘chubby’) human called

>> The human with the awkward cap and shinny(shiny)

>> I knew my end was near, “think fast” I encouraged myself.
(Place a period after ‘near’ and begin ‘think fast’ in a new sentence. In other words: I knew my end was near. “Think fast,” I encouraged myself.)

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Again, I applaud you for tackling a story from a different POV. It’s something we don’t get to read everyday, however, more work on your dialogue, description and the finishing of your story would make this so much better. Thanks again for your submission and good luck in the contest. *Smile*


** Image ID #1087476 Unavailable **
A Picture Is Worth A 1000 Words Contest  (ASR)
Write a story in 1000 words or less to a given picture prompt. [Hiatus!]
#1101926 by iKïyå§ama

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.
495
495
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hallo again Rajesh !*Smile* I am reviewing your work 3rd Excerpt

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content- This is another section that introduces us to the character Aditya, who seems to have returned home after several years abroad. His child like enthusiasm about the familiar paddy fields, as he walks about in bare feet is an image that tells the reader of his nostalgia about growing up there. The scene then changes to show us Aditya’s mother, who is nervous and yet pleased to have her son back home again. It is apparent that he’s been away for so long, she’s not really sure of what his tastes are like now, or what she can do to please him. In her mind, she still sees her young boy, and not the young man he has become. Fortunately, it seems like her cooking still takes high marks in his book, as he appreciates the effort she’s put into the meal.

*Bullet*Characterization- Although we are not told much about Aditya’s physical characteristics, one gets the sense of him being a contemplative and quiet young man. We are also not sure of what pain he must have gone through while growing up with Satyan, as the last few lines leave the reader curious to know more about what happened back then.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>> She couldn’t do it (,) but she knew that it had been longer than usual.
(Remember the rule about using commas to separate independent clauses)

>> It looked funny to Madhavi chichi.
>> Brushing aside her thoughts, she called to Madhavi chechi to set the table for lunch.
(With the underlined words, is that a typo, or do they mean two different things?)

>>One thing I’ve noticed with your excerpts – and perhaps it’s just because they’re that short – is the lack of dialogue. Sometimes using those can help to enrich a story, and make the reader appreciate the characters a bit more instead of simply relying on narratives. It does tend to get slightly tedious and even boring without dialogue to spice things up a little. I say this in relation to the dinner scene between mother and son. It would have been nicer to see them interact instead of just focusing on Aditya’s thoughts about food and how good it tastes.
*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

After reading all three excerpts, I’ve got to say that you are doing a good job so far in setting up your novel. As I suggested earlier, perhaps it’s best you simply create a book item and place all the chapters in there, for reading each one like this can get a bit frustrating to the reader eventually. There are several characters that need to be explored and fleshed out. We need to be able to sympathize, feel happy or sad with them, and understand where they are coming from. You do a good job with imagery and description, allowing us and taking the reader into this culture and all it has to offer. But remember that too much focus on terminologies can alienate readers who are foreign or might not be able to relate to much of the events taking place. Try, as much as you can, to explain a few terms you mention. That can be easily done without using a ‘translation note’ at the end of the story/chapter.

Keep up the good work and keep writing. *Smile*


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Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo again Rajesh !*Smile* I am reviewing your work 2nd Excerpt

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content- Yet another excerpt, but this time, we are given a snippet of a character’s travel to another city in India. Personally, I’m always intrigued to learn about other cultures and what they have to offer, and I must say that for just a few lines, you managed to cram in a whole lot of activity – enough to have the reader either curious to know more, or scratching their heads in bewilderment. For the first – curiosity – you do a good job showing us all the things that make Kolkata so fascinating to Manu. With each description of what he sees, the reader is made to see the bustling, fast-paced life of the city. You mention the different people and their attitudes towards situations, their languages, the food and lifestyle, all things that Manu seems to love and appreciate. For the confusion side – the sudden introduction of Kolkata and Manu and what he goes through can throw off a reader, but then again, one has to remember that is an excerpt to a much larger picture – so I’ll let that slide. *Smile*

*Bullet*Characterization- Although we are not given a physical description of Manu or Aditya, the reader can gauge his personality all the same from what you’ve given us here. He is clearly the older of the two, is a teacher, loves to travel (and perhaps shucks responsibility from his job). He enjoys the good things of life, and is always willing to share his tales with anyone willing to listen. One could even label him a dreamer, but a dreamer who is prone to doing what he wants and making the most of it.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>> Manu took leave from his classes, his students , Revathy and his responsibilities for two weeks every year and went to Kolkata.
(Delete space between ‘students’ and comma while adding another comma after ‘Revathy’)

>> Manu couldn't understand Bangla (,) but he always heard Salil Chaudhari' s melodies in the conversations.
(Always use commas to separate independent clauses when they are joined by such words as ‘but’, ‘yet’, ‘so’, ‘and’, ‘nor’)

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Another interesting excerpt I must say, and it really does whet the reader’s appetite to know what’s going to happen next. Keep up the good work! *Smile*


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#1060262 by iKïyå§ama

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Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo Rajesh !*Smile* I am reviewing your work Ist Excerpt

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content- It’s sometimes hard to review ‘excerpts’ since they are only a small part of a much larger story. With that said, you did a good job introducing the reader to the tale by describing the setting that it would be taking place in. From your descriptions, we see that this is a beautiful location, what with the God-like references you tend to give it. You also do a good job with imagery in this. Such lines as:

The paddy fields, on both sides of the road, a lively green in colour swayed in time to the wind tune.

I got the picture of low green grasses swaying in the wind when I read that part. The children, unfortunately, do not really seem to appreciate the beauty around them, but then again, who does when they’ve grown up in a particular place all their lives. There really is nothing to compare it to and so they know no better. The second paragraph goes into the character sketch as we are introduced to Satyan. In a few lines, we are already told of his personality and physical description, giving the reader an idea of what to expect as they read on. Another job well done with this.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>> Satyan, his thick-glassed spectacles constantly in danger of falling from the perch on his nose (,) walked with confidence.

>> His brain hadn’t been programmed to think that there might even be a need for something like that..
(Delete the extra period at the end of sentence)

>> He was dark, thin and wore ghastly, thick glasses (,)but the confidence that pervaded every part of Satyan’s personality was inborn.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

This was an interesting excerpt and I see that you’ve posted several more like this in your port. Do you eventually plan to post the whole thing on WDC or will you continue to do it like this? It might end up becoming a bit frustrating for readers who wish to know the full story. *Smile*


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Review of Erin's Star  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello John Kirkland and thanks for submitting your entry Erin’s Star to the
A Picture Is Worth A 1000 Words Contest  (ASR)
Write a story in 1000 words or less to a given picture prompt. [Hiatus!]
#1101926 by iKïyå§ama


Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content- If it wasn’t for the errors noticed while reading, this would have made for a very poignant and heartwarming story. It’s the tale of a young couple who is forced to separate as the husband – a sailor – is deployed for another job. He leaves behind a pregnant wife, but unfortunately doesn’t return as he is involved with an accident that takes his life. I think you did a good job incorporating the image within the story, and the sudden change of scenes – from her daydreams to reality was a good method that has the reader having an ‘ooh!” moment *Smile* Nicely done.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>> A breeze drifted gently in from the ocean,*Cut* it had that clean salty smell that you get in the early morning hours down the at the shore.
(I’d suggest breaking that into two separate sentences)

>> “Erin!” a burly voice called out
(Missing a period at the end of this)

>> “Yes my (,) love?” she answered in a playful tone.
>> “You know I am headed out today (,)don’t you?” the voice coming from the other room asked.

>>“Yes she replied.” As she smiled
(The quotation marks were placed in the wrong positions here. This should be re-written to: ”Yes,” she replied as she smiled.)

>> The man barked out in a jesting yet powerful voice.
(There is quite a jarring contradiction here between ‘barking’ and ‘jesting’. I don’t know, but the two terms don’t really seem to go well together since a character ‘barking’ makes the reader assume that the person is yelling in anger or frustration. I’d suggest deleting that word all together and simply going with: The man said in a jesting yet powerful voice.)

>> “It is time to give the captain his good luck kiss!” he commanded.
(‘Captain’ – should be capitalized since it’s a title.)

>> “It is not very manly to show up and have the crew seeing us hold hands.” He said in a sarcastic tone.
(Change the period after ‘hands’ to a comma and make ‘he’ in small caps. In other words: ”…hold hands,” he said in a sarcastic tone.)

>> “How did I get so lucky to marry the likes of you.” He said as he finished his laugh.
(Same as above, only this time, you add a question mark at the end of the speech since he’s asking a question.)

>> “I promise I will make it home safe” Jonathan said half heartily.
(Missing a comma after ‘safe’)

>> “No damn it, Promise like you mean it, Promise on us!” she demanded.
(Ouch. Be careful of exclamation marks within the story, especially in dialogue…and seeing as she’s standing so close to him, I doubt she’d want to yell that loudly over something as intimate as a promise. You should also not capitalize the word ‘Promise’ within the sentence.)

>>The rest of the story also needs to have its dialogue fixed as I’ve mentioned above.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

As you can see, you’ve got some work to do on this story. Even though you have a good plotline, it still needs a bit more polishing. Thanks again for your submission and good luck in the contest. *Smile*


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Review of Santa after 9/11  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hallo catedral !*Smile* and thank you for submitting your work Santa after 9/11 to "♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus]" 

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between lines making prose more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content- Hmm, I’ll try to be as objective as I can, keeping in mind that these are of course your thoughts on the subject. Since the topic of the events of 9/11 is rather touchy for some people, especially those who experienced or lost family members there, this prose might be seen as slightly offensive. As if you’re ridiculing the events that took place on that day. On the other hand, reading through it again, you seem to show that ‘people’ have moved on and have forgotten all about the impact of 9/11 and how it affected America at the time. There are layers beneath the supposedly, and the on the surface ‘funny’ lines. I detect bitterness, sarcasm and cynicism – something that many of us are beginning to feel after months of endless fighting and the loss of lives in a war that is beginning to leave us jaded.

Interesting prose all the same – one that should spark a lot of debate, I should think. Thanks for sharing and write on. *Smile*


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#1101926 by iKïyå§ama

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Review of Lucas  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hallo >>>fee bee !*Smile* and thank you for submitting your work Lucas to "♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus]" 

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story/letter more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content- At first this letter seems like one written from an individual experiencing unrequited love. However, as we read on, we come to realize that is a letter of devotion, admiration and filled with sadness as we learn of the final plight of the addressee. Now that I read it again, it could almost be considered a suicidal note. Am I right? I say this because of the finality of her words in the last few paragraphs. It’s a tragic story to say the truth. It looked like a wonderful love story, the perfect life for a young couple, only to have it end in such a way. You managed to bring a lot of emotion in this piece, making the reader feel sorry for the narrator and her predicament. Besides the things noticed below, the story was well-written. Good job.

*Bullet*Characterization-

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>> Every once and(in) I while I stop my work and reminisce, trying to force myself to believe that everything will be alright *Cut* and I can keep this letter locked up in my room, and tomorrow I'll see you just like I do every day and I'll smile and you'll kiss me and I'll be happy.
(The word ‘and’ was used a bit too much in this section, creating run on sentences that could easily be broken into shorter ones. I’d suggest re-writing this to: Every once in a while, I stop my work and reminisce, trying to force myself to believe that everything will be all right. I will keep this letter locked in my room, and tomorrow I’ll see you just like I do every day. I’ll smile, you’ll kiss me and I’ll be happy. See what I mean?)

>> you are the air I breath(e)

>> You are everything to me, everything and nothing less, for I love and adore every bit of you, from your chestnut brown hair and your blue eyes, and your face that always seems like it knows way to(o) much, all the way down to your feet, which I know I always tell you resemble those of a Sasquatch's(Sasquatch), *Cut* but I hope with all my heart that you know that I think you're perfect in every way.
(Another chunk of sentences that could easily be broken into smaller ones. I’ve placed a point I think it should be separated in two. Regarding Sasquatch, I think there’s only ‘one’ recorded in history, so the use of ‘a’ would make it seem like there were several running around out there….but then again who knows??)

>> and true to everyone(‘)s word

>> You have always vowed you would make me the happiest woman in the world, with promises of a white house with sunshiney yellow shutters and a lavender roof, no matter how repulsive you thought the colors,*Cut* and a beautifully loyal dog to come home to every night, and lots of little children that we created together running around all helter-skelter to complete the scene of chaos.
(You can start the new sentence with: There would be a beautiful loyal dog…)

>> I don't need material possessions for you to show me how much you love me, *Cut* you do it every time you smile at me across the room in English,
(Still slightly confused about the latter part of this sentence though – smile at you in English??)

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, an emotional and touching piece, as seen through the eyes of the one left behind. Thanks for sharing and write on. *Smile*


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