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451
451
Review of Halloween  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: ASR | (5.0)

Hallo Harry !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work Halloween on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Note*Format – Good spacing between stanzas making the poem more presentable to the reader.

*Note*Content: This was a fun little piece about the joys and festivities that take place on the night of Halloween. From costumed kids to perhaps a real life witch, no one knows what to expect on this night of ghoulish fun!

*Note*Pluses +

*Check1* Great job with the rhyming scheme. It can almost pass for a children’s poem – at least it’s something I feel that they can enjoy.
*Check2* You managed to capture the essence and mood of Halloween with your poem, showing the various things that make it so much fun.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a fun and well-written piece and a pleasure to read. Keep up the good work and write on! *Smile*


** Image ID #1159836 Unavailable **
On the Wings of a Dove  (13+)
Purchase a dove for yourself or a friend today. All proceeds go to ROAK!
#1123007 by iKïyå§ama

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.


452
452
Review of Incubus  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Dave and thanks for submitting your entry Incubus to the
A Picture Is Worth A 1000 Words Contest  (ASR)
Write a story in 1000 words or less to a given picture prompt. [Hiatus!]
#1101926 by iKïyå§ama


Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content: Abner is a man filled with images of a horrific and terrifying event witnessed in person. He decides that writing out these images would help to ease the demons, but to his surprise, he begins to receive responses to these letters. Continuous correspondence with this unseen entity finally confirms his worst fears.

Pluses +
*Bullet* You have a good command of the English language and it shows in your story with the choice of words used to describe the scenes.
*Bullet* You set up a dark ambience that fits with the horror theme – it definitely sent chills down my spine especially at the last few paragraphs.
*Bullet* You also make use of imagery to convey some scenes, giving the reader a good idea of the events taking place.

*Bullet*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>> Thinking that I must have left a window open, I turned on the light and went to close the window(it), but the window wasn’t open.
(The repeated use of the word ‘window’ made it sound redundant in the sentence.)

>>As good as the story was, I did not see the image prompt given in the forum used within.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

This will be rated purely on the fact that it was a good story. However, for contest purposes, I do not feel you did the image given enough justice. Thanks for your submission. *Smile*


453
453
Review of Past his Prime  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hallo SB Musing !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work Past His Prime on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content: From the look of things, it seems like you were told to use some Sheryl Crow lyrics within the story. I recognized some of the titles while reading. *Smile* This is the story of a young girl who is torn between wanting to help an old gelding and his master, and ignoring them altogether. But she does what she feels is right and tries her best to make a difference in their lives.

Pluses +
*Bullet* You did a good job with the prompt given.
*Bullet* This was a heartwarming and touching story and again, I’m pleased to see your love for horses shown in this story.
*Bullet* The dialogue was fitting and helped to show the personalities of these characters.

*Bullet*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>As pointed out in some of your previous stories, this one has the problem of tenses being changed back and forth so often that it becomes confusing to the reader. Stick to a particular tense and keep it as consistent as possible.

>>Another thing I noticed with your stories is this:

"My name is Maria, and I came to see you on this Ordinary Morning because of the horse which you are using for draft work. Why do you work him so much? Why can't you retire the old horse? Can't you see the poor animal is past his prime?"

          Maria asked as she walked closer toward the gelding and extended a hand to his muzzle.

Notice the space between the paragraphs and the underlined words. I ignored it several times because I felt it could stand alone. However, reading this again, just didn’t flow as well as I would have liked. You can and should re-write these sort of sentences in this way:

”…Can’t you see the poor animal is past his prime?” Maria asked as she walked…

They should all be on the same line and not separated by paragraphs.

>> She had let the horse down,*Cut* she had promised him that he would free of work and now she couldn't free him of anything.
(Separate into two sentences.)

>> I've been saving up our farming money over all these years, whatever(‘)s left over which I haven't spent on food(,) I'll use it for a new draft horse.

>> The girl stood there as the draft horse plowed forward and she was left alone watching them disappear into the horizon line.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an interesting story and I thank you for sharing it. Keep up the good work and write on. *Smile*


** Image ID #1112111 Unavailable **
♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus]  (ASR)
Need your poem or short story reviewed? Hop on in!
#1060262 by iKïyå§ama

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.

454
454
Review of Holiday Memories  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hallo SB Musing !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work Holiday Memories on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content: On Christmas day, a father and daughter are traveling home after a night a family Christmas party. Unfortunately, father has had too much too drink and seems determined to drive both he and his daughter off the road with how fast he’s driving. Terrified for her life and her father’s, the young girl does her best to try to make him see reason. Finally, Father breaks down with his reasons for wanting to commit suicide. However, kind and loving words from his daughter proves that love is indeed the best gift anyone can receive on this holiday.

Pluses +
*Bullet* This was a rather sweet and touching story about a man who doubts his abilities as a father and a daughter who thinks otherwise.
*Bullet* The dialogue was good enough to show us their different personalities and we get to learn just why they act the way they do.

*Bullet*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>”She died on this cursed day. Damn holidays, I hate them." The man finally spoke with slurred speech and jumbled words.
(Change the period after ‘them’ to a comma since the phrase directly following it is related to the speech. In this case, ”She died on this cursed day. Damn holidays, I hate them,” the man finally spoke with slurred speech and jumbled words.)

>>Her father had never spoke(n) a word about her mother's death up until now

>>Steve, please, pretty please, slow down. You don't have to speed, please slow down for me. I'm begging you!"
(Why would the daughter call him ‘Steve’ all of a sudden? Especially since she has been calling him ‘Dad’ all this time. It just seemed a bit odd to me. *Confused*)

>>She knew it was their road when she recognized the picturesque view of the snow-capped mountains that rest(ed) in the background of their home.

>>The lines after the above sentence should be re-formatted to fit on the same line.

>>Angela heard her father (say) in a disgusted tone as he placed his head on the steering wheel.

>>The girl did the first thing which(that) came first to her mind,

>>You aren't an awful father dad
(Capitalize ‘Dad’ and place a comma after ‘father’)

>>She helped her father walk to the door and opened the door to their home.
(Repetition; You’ve already mentioned that they’re walking towards the door, so you can choose to re-write this as: She helped her father walk to the door, which led to their home, and opened it.)

>>Ah, I also noticed that you have some links to invalid contests in some of the stories read so far. You might want to remove them from the story too. *Smile*

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an interesting story and a pleasure to read. Keep on writing. *Smile*


** Image ID #1112111 Unavailable **
FOLDER
C-Note Alley  (E)
Pay a visit to several c-note shops with a little something for everyone.
#1092992 by iKïyå§ama

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.

455
455
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hallo SB Musing !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work Testimony of Horsemanship on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content: A young girl and her horse have the challenge of jumping over a rail, as practice for a possible equestrian event. However, both seem to have problems getting over the rails, and both rider and horse become frustrated. The instructor is no help either as he demands that they perform to the best of their abilities. Through this, both horse and rider eventually learn the most important thing, which helps them succeed in the end.

Pluses +
*Bullet* This was another lovely story that pays homage to the beauty of horses and equestrian activities. You’ll make me interested in horse racing yet!
*Bullet* The dialogue was realistic enough, and I could definitely see the characters acting this way in real life.
*Bullet* There was a nice ending, where horse and riding communicate in a way that only they can. You did a good job showing the reader that.

*Bullet*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>> Suddenly, a soft scraping is heard, and then the silence is broken with a soft thud. The rider shaked(shakes) her head in disgust as she immediately realized(realizes) what that sound means. They had(have) failed to clear the obstacle again, that four foot vertical jump which refused(refuses) to allow her horse escape it's(its) touch.
(I will only point out this suggestion once here, since by now you should be aware of the problems. You began this story with the present tense, so try to maintain that as much as possible throughout the rest of the story. It definitely throws off the reader, and one is not aware of the timeline for the tale.)

>> You didn't count your strides correctly, and let Starfire jump too soon.
(No need for the comma after ‘correctly’)

>> You and Starfire need to get used to jumping over flashier jumps, ya here(hear)?"

>> and his rocking canter soothed her all ready(already) jumbled nerves.

>> With one last large circle she took her place on the rail, and hugged it as closely as she could.
(Delete the comma after ‘rail’ and place it after ‘circle’)

>> Star bounded forward, and took the bit within his teeth as he ground it with his teeth.
(Repetition can be avoided by replacing one of those words with something else. For instance: Star bounded forward and took the bit to grind between his teeth.)

>>With a momentary shake of his head foam splattered to the ground and stained her navy hunter coat.
(Place a comma after ‘head’)

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a fun read. Thanks for sharing and keep it up. *Smile*


** Image ID #1142528 Unavailable **
FOLDER
C-Note Alley  (E)
Pay a visit to several c-note shops with a little something for everyone.
#1092992 by iKïyå§ama

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.

456
456
Review of Stand Again  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hallo SB Musing !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work Stand Again on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content: I believe the prompt for this contest must have been to use song titles within a story, hence the italicized words used throughout. *Smile* If that’s the case, I must say you did a good job with that. The story of a rider and a horse on its last legs (literally) was well told – one that’s sure to tug at the heartstrings, especially for anyone who owns a horse or has come in close contact with them. Again, your love for the animals shows with your writing and I find myself learning some new terms related to them. Good job in that respect.

*Bullet*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>> the rider smiles at her horse and prays that he wasn't(isn’t) up to his old antics of having her chase him.

>> I got these new boots all dirty just for you and all which I'm asking is for you not to play a game

>> Before us Young Grow Old." She stated to her horse in an agitated
(Place a comma after ‘old’ instead of the period)

>> With a sharp gasp she releases(released) his leg but it was too late, the gelding falls(fell) to his knees and lays(laid) there with his neck stretched to it's(its) limit by the cross
(As you can see, the confusion with tenses seems to be predominant in your stories. I noticed this in the rest of this particular story, so you might want to fix them up as well. Since you began the story with the past tense, you should try to maintain that tone throughout the piece.)

>> Lisa shakes her head in response, feeling a(at) loss for words.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

This was an interesting and rather touching story. However, and as mentioned above, the switching of tenses made for a difficult read. Thanks for sharing and keep on writing. *Smile*


** Image ID #1142528 Unavailable **
♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus]  (ASR)
Need your poem or short story reviewed? Hop on in!
#1060262 by iKïyå§ama

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.

457
457
Review of The Opera House  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hallo SB Musing !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work The Opera House on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content: Perfect story for the Halloween season, eh? The story of a female ghost by the name of Elvira is chronicled in this flash fiction. According to legend, she ended her life after a terrible performance at the Opera House. No one is really sure of why she decided to do it in such a manner or why she insists on haunting a particular seat in the Opera House, but she is known to be a mischievous ghost and continues to roam restlessly.

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>> In the late 1800s (,) the Opera House within my town had become quite a popular place.
(Always place a comma after the introductory phrase of a sentence)

>> The one most well-known is that Elvira performed for her(the) first time at the Opera House

>> The devastation pver(over) her bad performance proved to be too much

>> So, after the performance she gave she climbed up the stairs and up to the bell tower.
(Delete the comma after ‘so’ and place it after ‘gave’ instead.)

>> The story is that she threw herself from the top of the bell tour(tower) and died on impact.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

This was an interesting flash fiction, that could be expanded if you so wish to. Thanks so much for sharing and keep up the good work. *Smile*

** Image ID #1112111 Unavailable **
FORUM
Kiya's Custom Orders Shoppe  (18+)
*CLOSED Until Further Notice* For customized requests/orders ONLY!
#1092645 by iKïyå§ama

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.

458
458
Review of The Veil  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
Hallo again Nikola~Living the Dog Mom Life ! *Smile* This is Review #4 as part of your auction wins in the "The WDC Artists Auction for Charity

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between stanzas making the poem more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content: A woman goes out into the woods at night in preparation of a ritual that brings out the dead beneath the light of the moon.

Pluses +
*Bullet* Again, you have a nice storytelling quality with your poems. They paint a much bigger picture of the events that take place.
*Bullet* The setting for this piece is dark and ‘cold’ – your word selections help to make it seem that way.
*Bullet* Good use of imagery in this piece with such lines as – Night's creatures sing to her; Faraway realms call her name.
*Bullet* There was a good flow to this piece, and the last few lines give it a haunting quality. Nicely done.

This was yet another interesting poem. Good job with this and keep it up!


** Image ID #1094525 Unavailable **
FORUM
Kiya's Custom Orders Shoppe  (18+)
*CLOSED Until Further Notice* For customized requests/orders ONLY!
#1092645 by iKïyå§ama

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.

459
459
Review of Rocks for Mama  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
Hallo again Nikola~Living the Dog Mom Life ! *Smile* This is Review #3 as part of your auction wins in the "The WDC Artists Auction for Charity

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content: Young Kelsey and Emily are doing their best to raise money for their mother’s operation. Since father left when mother got sick, they do not have the funds or means to get this operation done. Kelsey decides to set up a lemonade stand, while Emily decides to sell a wagon of hand-picked rocks. The neighborhood does its best to rally around the girls, but unfortunately Em’s rocks do not seem to be a hit. No one wants to buy them and despite Kelsey’s attempts to cheer up her sister, Emily still feels sad that she can’t do her part. One day, however, a limousine pulls up to them and a mysterious man with long hair and a funny accent questions Emily about the way to a concert hall. Their little conversation ends up changing their lives.

Pluses +
*Bullet* This is a heartwarming story of love, sacrifice and the kindness of strangers when you least expect it.
*Bullet* The characters were believable, the children fun and engaging with their dialogue and banter. It’s something one would expect from sisters, and did not seem too far-fetched.
*Bullet* No errors or grammar errors were noticed.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Yet another well-written and enjoyable story from you, Nik. It’s been a pleasure browsing through your portfolio so far. *Bigsmile*


Angel Army Signature
FOLDER
C-Note Alley  (E)
Pay a visit to several c-note shops with a little something for everyone.
#1092992 by iKïyå§ama

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.

460
460
Review of Dearly Beloved  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hallo Nikola~Living the Dog Mom Life ! *Smile* This is Review #2 as part of your auction wins in the "The WDC Artists Auction for Charity

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content: On the night of Halloween, Ed is an old man who tries to continue his ritual of reading Edgar Allan Poe’s poem ‘- The Raven. However, constant interruptions from children trick or treating, has him stopping each time to give them candies. It’s a chore he doesn’t mind doing, especially since his late wife – Rosie – had considered it a tradition and always enjoyed doing it. In her memory, Ed has vowed to continue until his dying day. Tonight is a particularly tough one for Ed, for he begins to feel cold and has the most awful cough. As the hours go by, it gets worse and worse, so much so that he’s unable to think of anything but his dear Rosie and the life they’ve lived together. However, something peculiar happens at the end of this tale – the familiar scent of rose water fills his senses and someone soon appears…

Pluses +
*Bullet* You make me want to pick up ‘The Raven’ again. It’s been a while since I’ve read that poem. You did a good job incorporating the lines of the poem with the story itself, thereby heightening the tension and sense of foreboding.
*Bullet* The setting was perfect, the dark ambience and yet cheerfulness of children dressed in costumes, captures the spirit of the festivities.
*Bullet* I enjoyed Ed and Rosie’s back story. It was quite touching and warm, giving more depth to the characters and enabling the reader to feel sympathy for their plight.
*Bullet* There was no grammar or spelling errors noticed. Great job!

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

This was a wonderful and well-written story. You seem to have a knack for the scary stuff! *Laugh* Keep up the good work!


** Image ID #1088238 Unavailable **
On the Wings of a Dove  (13+)
Purchase a dove for yourself or a friend today. All proceeds go to ROAK!
#1123007 by iKïyå§ama

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.

461
461
Review of She Walks  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hallo Nikola~Living the Dog Mom Life ! *Smile* This is Review #1 as part of your auction wins in the "The WDC Artists Auction for Charity

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – None applicable since poem is in free verse form.

*Bullet*Content: The sad tale of a woman from the 1800s is captured in this poem. Losing her true love, she ends her life in a tragic way. And till today, guests of the bed and breakfast swear they see her still roaming the halls. Eternally waiting and searching for the one she loves the most.

Pluses +
*Bullet* I don’t know if you’ve been to Savannah, Georgia before, but this poem reminds me of the many ghost stories one gets to hear. You’ve managed to capture that ambience in this piece.
*Bullet* I love the storytelling quality of this, one almost forgets its poetry while imagining the events that must have happened to our tragic heroine.
*Bullet* The last line is a bit haunting and the perfect way to end the poem.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a very well-written piece and one that’s just perfect to capture the spirit of the Halloween season. Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work. *Smile*


** Image ID #1087476 Unavailable **
On the Wings of a Dove  (13+)
Purchase a dove for yourself or a friend today. All proceeds go to ROAK!
#1123007 by iKïyå§ama

Officially approved Writing.Com Preferred Author logo.

462
462
Review of Gigglesville  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Giggles ! And thanks for your submission to the
The 'Organized Port' Contest  (13+)
CLOSED! A contest to help get those ports organized! Over 125K in prizes to be won!
#1148950 by iKïyå§ama


*Bullet*Bio Block: An interesting quote begins your bio block before giving a quick message to possible readers and visitors about your ideals. It’s also a nice gesture to promote various members of WDC.

*Bullet*Creativity: The title of your main folder gives one the sense that you’re a fun-loving individual. ‘Gigglesville’ is definitely a fun little name. Oh wow, and look, a lovely billboard image welcomes visitors into town. You’ve named the folders within with common town landmarks. Nice. You have a lovely sig shop, which you should try to promote as much as possible to get some buyers. Your introductory posts were quite informative as well.

*Bullet*Ratings: All items and folders were labeled appropriately

*Bullet*General Appearance: There seems to be a good balance between writing and activities within your portfolio. Not only does one have the chance to read various items within your port, you have a good and helpful form for members of the WDC community. Keep up the good work! It was a pleasure browsing through your port.


** Image ID #1091919 Unavailable **
"C-Note Alley
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463
463
Review of Pondering Life  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello finnley ! And thanks for your submission to the
The 'Organized Port' Contest  (13+)
CLOSED! A contest to help get those ports organized! Over 125K in prizes to be won!
#1148950 by iKïyå§ama


*Bullet*Bio Block: Only a quote (and an interesting one at that) seems to make up your bio block and nothing is revealed about the author or what the portfolio might contain.

*Bullet*Creativity: You have some lovely images within your folders and poems or colorful quotes/anecdotes to introduce the reader to them. I also like the unique labeling of each folder. They have quite fun and interesting names. My favorite would have to be ‘Boxing Day Dinner’ what a great title for stories or items that are ‘leftover’.

*Bullet*Ratings: All items and folders were labeled appropriately.

*Bullet*General Appearance: You seem to emphasize more on writing, which is a good thing. However, you might want to try more interactives to bring more readers to your portfolio. Consider creating quizzes, crosswords, wordsearches, or even a message forum for others to drop by and say hi. Not only will you get more readers, it helps to promote a positive community around WDC. Good job all around. Thanks for your submission and good luck in the contest. *Smile*


464
464
Review of handles  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Lon ! And thanks for your submission to the
The 'Organized Port' Contest  (13+)
CLOSED! A contest to help get those ports organized! Over 125K in prizes to be won!
#1148950 by iKïyå§ama


*Bullet*Bio Block: It was rather short and straight to the point, simply stating why you love to write.

*Bullet*Creativity: Some of the image used within the folders were quite lovely. I especially liked the one in your flash fiction section. However, I would have liked to see more with your introductory posts. You also have a lovely fantasy sig shoppe. Good job.

*Bullet*Ratings: All items and folders were labeled appropriately.

*Bullet*General Appearance: Overall, there seems to be a good balance between writing and interactives/activities within your portfolio. You’re more focused on full length novels and I commend you on that. However, you still make time to create fun contests that attract a lot of members in the WDC community. Continue your active involvement and keep it up. Thanks again for your submission and good luck in the contest. *Smile*



465
465
Review of StoryForge  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Forge ! And thanks for your submission to the
The 'Organized Port' Contest  (13+)
CLOSED! A contest to help get those ports organized! Over 125K in prizes to be won!
#1148950 by iKïyå§ama


*Bullet*Bio Block:. Not much is said about yourself, but you do provide links to various items of interest within your portfolio. Nice change with the different colored font.

*Bullet*Creativity: Heh, you have a very nice theme going here. All your folders have something to do with the name ‘Forge’ in them in some form or another. You have a lot of forums and folders, however, some had little to no introductions within them. You do not have to necessarily have images, but one can always use the ML tags/emoticons, write a witty anecdote or create a little tale that welcomes and invites the reader into each folder.

*Bullet*Ratings: All items and folders were rated – however, you might want to give your journal an 18+ rating, unless you do not plan to let out a few choice words here and there. *Smile* Just to be on the safe side, you might want to just rate it higher.

*Bullet*General Appearance: Overall, there seems to be more emphasis place on interactives and community based events than writing, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s great to promote positive community involvement, but one must not forget what this site is really all about. *Smile* I noticed in your ‘Forgetise’ folder, you have a lot of interactives. I also noticed that you have a lot of forums with less than one member. It’s great to have all of these, but you should either do more advertising to get more members or delete some of them. However, I wish and hope that they will become successful. They definitely look like fun. Thanks again for your submission and good luck.


** Image ID #1096547 Unavailable **
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466
466
Review of Purely Personal  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello ridinghhood-p.boutilier ! And thanks for your submission to the
The 'Organized Port' Contest  (13+)
CLOSED! A contest to help get those ports organized! Over 125K in prizes to be won!
#1148950 by iKïyå§ama


*Bullet*Bio Block: Not much use of the ML tags/emoticons, but you do manage to let the reader/visitor know what you are all about in a warm and inviting way. Good idea to place links to other places of interest as well.

*Bullet*Creativity: You make use of some images to enhance several folders in your port which made it more eye-catching. I especially like the introductory post in your folder titled ‘The Great Banquet’ and your folder dedicated to politics was quite interesting. You also had some good names for your folders – something unique and different.

*Bullet*Ratings: All items and folders were rated appropriately except for your ‘Pin Doll Chronicles’ – it had no rating, so you might want to change that. From its contents, it looks like it would be at least a ASR

*Bullet*General Appearance: You have a lot of items in your portfolio which is a wonderful thing! There’s a wide variety of items to read and you’ve even hosted a few contests. Although I did notice several items that were not placed within folders. I’m not sure if that was deliberate or not. Overall, this was an interesting port and I enjoyed going through it. Good luck in the contest. *Smile*


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467
Review of Jessica Unplugged  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Future Mrs. B ! And thanks for your submission to the
The 'Organized Port' Contest  (13+)
CLOSED! A contest to help get those ports organized! Over 125K in prizes to be won!
#1148950 by iKïyå§ama


*Bullet*Bio Block: A straight to the point introduction about who you are and what you’re all about. Although you didn’t make use of any ML emoticons to enhance it, the use of a different colored font made it different.

*Bullet*Creativity: I like some of the creative names for your main folders, especially ‘Jessica Unplugged’ which just about sums up the personal side of you and what the folder contains. However, I would have loved to see more of an introduction to each folder – something to allude to your love of history within each one. You do not necessarily have to use images, but creative lyrics, poems or just short quotes from favorite historical figures would be a nice touch.

*Bullet*Ratings: All items and folders were rated appropriately.

*Bullet*General Appearance: There’s a good mixture of writing and fun activities for visitors to read and participate in. As you already know, I applaud your ‘Battle Cry for Freedom Contest’ and I’m really glad that it’s a success. I also like the Ezine folder. The interviews and various articles you’ve written show your vast knowledge and insatiable love for history and the military. In general, your folder is quite well-organized and it was a pleasure to go through. Thanks for your submission and good luck. *Smile*


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468
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Tammy~Catchin Up~ ! And thanks for your submission to the
The 'Organized Port' Contest  (13+)
CLOSED! A contest to help get those ports organized! Over 125K in prizes to be won!
#1148950 by iKïyå§ama


*Bullet*Bio Block: A rather short and straight to the point welcome to visitors to your portfolio. You make good use of the ML tags and emoticons, also placing a link to a specific item in your port that you need the most visits.

*Bullet*Creativity: I enjoyed looking through the images within each folder, as well as the welcome notes (again great job with the tags and emoticons) which made for a bright and cheery atmosphere while browsing. You have some good names for the folder, which try to be different from the norm.

*Bullet*Ratings: Every item was rated correctly.

*Bullet*General Appearance: Wow, you definitely have a full folder and then some. It clearly shows your active participation in WDC, not just with writing and poetry, but with the helpful forums, groups and activities you’ve created to embrace all aspects of this wonderful site. Excellent job with everything. It was a pleasure to browse through. *Smile*


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469
469
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hallo again ghostpa !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work Best Costume Party on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content: Like for any normal Halloween party, Tim is more than excited to show off his new costume. He has taken great pains to make it just right, even seeking his mother’s approval before heading off to the party. Compared to his, he assumes that everyone else’s is boring and quite bland. However, when the winner of the best costume is announced, he is not the winner. Furious at the outcome, he protests and proceeds to show his true nature, but the others do not seem fazed by the hideous picture he presents, and instead turn the tables on him. The end result is not quite what Tim expects.

Pluses +.
*Bullet* I loved the way this story took a twist towards the end. You did a good job setting up the seemingly innocuous party, and the transformations left me squirming in my seat a little. The end result was not quite pretty either.

*Bullet*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>He also applied the paint to his old sweat shirt.
(‘sweatshirt’ should be one word)

>>Tim realizing the antenna attachment is a futile effort (,) plus he hasn’t the time to try again (,)he decides to cover his face with the lead based metallic silver paint

>>The mother of the birthday boy (,) Tony(,) says

>>All of the teenagers cheer except for Tim who throws down his drink that immediately begins to dissolve the thick white carpet.”
(Delete the quotation mark at the end of this sentence. Also did you mean ‘dissolve INTO the thick white carpet’? You make it seem like he had poured something like acid which isn’t possible, since you say he was drinking from it. In other words, I’d suggest changing this to: All of the teenagers cheer except for Tom who throws down his drink which soaks into the thick white carpet.)

>>He grabs at his face and pulls at his skin until it tears at the base of his neck (,) and his face (,) head (,) and hair come

>>Well everyone it looks like the cannibal game can begin *Cut* the one that eats the most wins.”
(Separate into two different sentences)

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

This was a good premise for a story and made for an entertaining read. Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work! *Smile*


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470
470
Review of A Change in Faith  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Jessie !*Smile* and thank you for submitting your work A Change in Faith to "♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus]

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – I’d suggest placing a single space between your paragraphs and dialogue so the story looks more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content: In the year 2013, a young boy by the name of Lucas, is approached by a dove while sitting in class. There seems to be a message the dove has left for him, and once it disappears, he realizes that the rapture has occurred. His classmates and teachers have all left , leaving him in solitude. Desperate to find others, he runs back home to find his parents, but they too have disappeared. However, reading several scriptures from the bible and praying, helps to take an invisible weight off his shoulders, reminding him that he still has a chance to get to heaven once the seven years of tribulation are over.

Pluses +
*Bullet* An interesting premise for a spiritual story.
*Bullet* The message is slightly vague at the end, but the reader is able to deduce the significance of Lucas’s change for the better.

*Bullet*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>Your first paragraph is written in the present tense, but soon shifts to the past in the second paragraph onwards. I’d suggest you either make the first paragraph in the past as well, or change everything to the present. It can get a bit confusing when you switch so often. One isn’t quite sure of the timeline.

>> Panic seized Lucas as (he) stared at the empty clothes before him.

>> “I know what I have to do. I have to get saved,” thought Lucas.
(Always place single quotation mark or none at all when a character is thinking. Now unless he was ‘thinking out loud’ then the double quotation is fine.)

>> screaming at the top of his lungs, “mom, dad!”
(‘Mom’ and ‘Dad’ should be capitalized.)

>> He came to a stop as he approached the doorway of his parent’s(parents’) bedroom.
(Since there are two parents the apostrophe change shows the plural form)

>> With shaking hands, Lucas picked up his mother’s bible(it), (and) held it close to his aching heart.
(‘It’ was used because you’ve already mentioned the same phrase ‘mother’s bible’ in a previous sentence. The reader is already aware of this and it sounds redundant. The conjunction ‘and’ was added to make the sentence more complete.)

>>A question popped up while reading this. Just why was Lucas left behind again? I’m not sure if that was explained anywhere or if I missed it. *Confused*

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, you had an interesting story here, but with a little more work and some polishing, I’m sure it will be a much better read. Thanks for sharing and write on. *Smile*


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#1060262 by iKïyå§ama

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471
471
Review of Alone with Lana  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello ellis !*Smile* and thank you for submitting your work Alone With Lana to "♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus]

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content: Set in the 40s or possibly 50s, this story tells of a young woman by the name of Katherine, often considered simple-minded and mocked by others in the small town where she lives. She dresses in clothes that do not flatter her figure and seems to be easily swayed by anyone who shows an ounce of interest in her. So much so, that she follows a group of young men, whom she assumes are nice, and isn’t hardly aware of the terrible thing that’s being done to her. The consequences of their actions is soon evident, and she is now forced to live with the shame and knowledge that she should have been stronger, to be able to put up a fight to defend herself. Her final decision as the Bishop takes her to a place where her ‘problem’ will be taken care of, is to at least face the situation bravely, by pretending to be her favorite movie actress…finally feeling like a woman for the first time in her life.

Pluses +
*Bullet* Although the scenes are not graphic, you tell the story in such a way that has the reader cringing at the events that took and are about to take place, while making us feel sorry for Katherine’s plight.
*Bullet* Your story deals with the naïve nature of a young woman, easily mislead with her need to fit in despite all odds. The shallowness and darkness of Man, as the young men con her into believing that she’s beautiful while they commit their atrocious act. And the final ‘act’ of supposed mercy as the Bishop prepares to eliminate something he feels she cannot take care of.
*Bullet* There was a good flow to this piece, and the scenes were well done so as to draw the reader into the events taking place.
*Bullet* There isn’t much dialogue, but where there is, it’s poignant and meaningful – saying so much in so little.
*Bullet* Katherine’s strength shows through in the final paragraph. She knows what’s to take place, and yet she’s going to take a stand as best she can in a difficult situation.

*Bullet*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>> She saw the bishop waiting for her in front of a pretty blue
(Capitalize ‘bishop’ as you have with the others in the rest of the story)

>> She tossed her head back the way Lana Turner did in Imitation of Life,
(I’d suggest either italicizing the title of the movie or putting it in single quotation marks so it stands out from the rest of the narrative.)

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall this was a touching and interesting story, one that has the reader contemplating the hard decisions young women with unwanted pregnancies are forced to deal with. Thanks for sharing and write on. *Smile*


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FOLDER
C-Note Alley  (E)
Pay a visit to several c-note shops with a little something for everyone.
#1092992 by iKïyå§ama

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472
472
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hallo again Lon !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work Chapter 2 - Identities on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

*Bullet*Content: A flashback of Dag’s younger years opens up this chapter, and we see how she came to just another orphan – unwanted and not really loved by anyone even though she hoped that Doctor Seeli would have treated her a bit more nicely. However, she wakes up from this dream, not wanting to dwell too much on the past. After gathering some information that she thinks might be beneficial to her friend, Coco, they both make the decision to steal some more cubits to achieve their plans. Unfortunately, getting the cubits this time around is a rather tough process, and just when she thinks she’s done, she finds herself about to get into even more trouble.

Pluses +
*Bullet* Considerably longer than the other chapters, this one goes into more detail about Dag and the kind of life she lives in. You did a good job with the settings, and I got the sense of gloom and darkness around this place – or maybe I just watch too much anime, who knows?
*Bullet* Attention to detail – especially in the last few parapraphs when she was dealing with the machines was well done. Although I must confess I got lost a bit and had to read that twice.
*Bullet* One thing that stood out for me was the description of the Farren and how they are able to change color depending on their moods. Or secrete colors from the oils on their skin. Quite a unique race of people you’ve got here.
*Bullet* Good job with the dialects in their dialogue. It shows the coarse and ‘low’ class of society they belong to since their language is not as refined as one would imagine.

*Bullet*Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>Minor tidbit, but in regards to the title of your chapters, since each item is saved in a particular folder, it would be better to just give them the title names so it’s easier. In other words simply writing: Chapter 2 – Identities and that’s it. *Smile*

>> It wasn’t that he spent any more time with her than any of the other orphans (,)but (it was) the way his eyes always seemed to sparkle when he looked at her or talked with her.
(Something seemed to be missing in this sentence.)

>> “Don’t want to stand out now (,) do we?” He smiled at Dahgri in the mirror.

>> Children with ID’s could get respectable jobs,
(Delete the apostrophe in IDs)

>> or were pulled onto something more important that(than) someone trying to scoff cubits from a café.

>> Sliding down the shaft, she slowed her decent(descent) with her boots

>> Derelicts weren't allowed, and without an id,
(You forgot to capitalize ‘ID’ in this one.)

>> It was quiet(quite) a sight to see against azure skies and purple clouds.

>>I had a slight problem picturing the Farren in my head – and did go ‘duh!’ when I realized that it’s not actually a place as pointed out in my previous review, but it was a race.

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

This was yet another interesting chapter, but still needs some polishing to make it even better. Keep up the good work and write on. *Smile*


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#1092645 by iKïyå§ama

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473
473
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hallo again Lon !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work Chapter 1 - Cubits on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

Content: Fast forward to several years in the future, where we see a young girl by the name of Dahgri who is nothing more than a churchrat in this new society called Farren. She looks eerily like a boy, for if her real identify is given away, she’ll be treated even worse. She sits in tattered clothes on the streets, eagerly watching the happenings in an information café. In this place, workers go in to conduct their business where cubits (a monetary form) is given or dished out according. Being poor, Dahgri has no access to this, and can only hope for an opportunity to sneak in when the crouchy old man in charge of the place is not attentive. She finally gets her chance, and makes quick work of getting a few lose change. Unfortunately, she is almost caught by the old man, but does escape with a little to show for her efforts. She runs back to a place where she and other unknowns stay, and meets up with a friend called Coco. Together they make plans to find a place to eat, being watchful for authorities who are still in the hunt for the young thief.

Pluses +
*Bullet* The description of the surroundings is very well done without going into too much boring details. The last thing you want to do is bore the readers with being too technical and I think you kept that balance quite well in this story.
*Bullet* The description of Dahgri was very well done. I could picture her in my mind with the words used, and you definitely gave her a colorful personality that makes her quite likeable.
*Bullet* Again, the dialogue is appropriate for the characters and didn’t seem too out of place.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>> He walked over to the desk and handed the older man (,)reading a paper(,) a cubit.
(Always place commas between phrases that are not really necessary to the meaning of a sentence.)

>> To get anywhere, one needed an id.
(I’d suggest capitalizing ‘ID’ so it doesn’t read as id, the other half of one’s ego. *Smile* You might want to change this in the rest of your story.)

>> She counted to five and slipping inside the door before it closed.
(This was an awkwardly phrased sentence. I’d suggest changing it to: She counted to five and slipped inside the door before it was closed.)

>> The countdown stopped. The screen before her returning to its original data feed: a news editorial.
(Now there are several ways you could re-write this section. The period placement between ‘coundown’ and ‘the’ makes this an ‘uneven’ read. My suggestion: The countdown stopped. The screen before her returned to its original data feed: a news editorial. OR The countdown stopped, the screen before her returning to its original data feed: a news editorial.)

>> She opened her hand, and displayed the cubits.
(No need for a comma there.)

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall this was an interesting chapter and definitely sets the motion for more things to happen. I’m off to the next chapter! *Smile*


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#1092645 by iKïyå§ama

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474
474
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hallo again Lon !*Smile*. I’m reviewing your work DAHGRI - Prologue on behalf of Simply Everything

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs and dialogue making the story more presentable to the reader.

Content: In a facility called Dohr-Rhu Six, gene-spliced children are kept in wards for observation, although some of them tend to die at birth or in adolescence. The Drex race are in charge of these experiments which are conducted to further their advancements in science and technology. However, an ‘anomaly’ is noticed and that is the birth of a girl – one that’s not really needed by the Drex as only males are required for their strength. However, the human doctor manages to convince the Drex official that she might end up being necessary once she gets older. The story fast forwards to the current situation of the Drex race which isn’t very encouraging. They have been attacked by the Vartans, who all but end up scattering a once thriving race all of a galaxy that doesn’t really like them. However, a defunct Drex official returns to Dohr-Rhu Six several years later (the facility is now closed) and checks for some records – the D.A.G.H.R.I files - on the child who they had placed all their hopes on. Mysteriously, there is no record of what happened to her after a certain date, and no one knows what has become of her.

Pluses +
*Bullet* I usually steer clear of sci-fi stories, but I must admit you’ve got my curiosity piqued with this one. I’m eager to know what happens next.
*Bullet* I’ll have to get used to the names, but they were definitely creative and different.
*Bullet* Descriptions of the aliens and their true natures haven’t been revealed yet, since this is just a prologue, but the reader is given a glimpse of just what this world is going to be all about.
*Bullet* Dialogue was well-written and did not seem too out of place for the characters you’ve created.

*Bullet*Characterization-
Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>the walls painted an eggshell white with a red and blue line running down the middle at arms-height.
(The popular term is arm’s length because reading this sentence felt a bit awkward. Perhaps you should change it to shoulder height)

>>If only the Vartan had waited a few decaded,(decades?)

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was a very interesting beginning and I look forward to the rest of the story. Write on! *Smile*


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475
475
Review of Painter Babu  
Review by iKïyå§ama
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Arihanthan !*Smile* and thank you for submitting your work Painter Babu to "♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus]

Overall Impression:

*Bullet*Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader. However, some of the dialogue was lost within the narrative. I’d suggest separating those and putting them on separate lines, so it’s easier to read and digest.

*Bullet*Content- The story of a painting as seen through the eyes of a young man. It is a painting called ‘Meaning of Life’ by Painter Babu – a possible eccentric man whose ideals and philosophies follow no real doctrine or rule. The narrator seems to be a fan of the arts, as he talks about his experiences looking through various pieces over the years. However, this particular painting calls to him in a way he’s never experienced, neither can he comprehend why he’s so drawn to it. Questions to Painter Babu reveal nothing, but after a lot of thought, the narrator finally comes to a conclusion about its meaning and how it relates to his life.

Pluses +
*Bullet* This was an interesting take on the art world and an eccentric painter to go with it. I’m not sure if you’re into the Fine Arts, but several words and sentences in this story showed that you’ve done some research and know what you’re talking about.
*Bullet* You did a good job with imagery in this piece, bringing those paintings to life with your descriptions and making the reader ‘see’ just what was taking place. Nicely done.

*Bullet*Characterization- You’ve created a colorful character in Babu, and I could almost see a jolly man, eyes twinkling with mischief as he imparts his words of wisdom to others through his paintings. The narrator is clearly well-educated and has a love for the arts as shown in his words and attitude towards pictures. However, we can see that all doesn’t seem to be well with him in his personal life – something the reader finally gets to learn at the end of the story. It helps to give him a bit more depth.

Suggestions:

Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best. *Smile*

>>Though his entourage was not so fortifying (,) he managed to paint some masterpieces.
(Always place a comma after the introductory phrase of a sentence.)

>>Painter Babu believed in simplicity in painting. “One look at my piece and you should raise your eyebrows” was his argument supporting simplicity.
(While reading this sentence several times, it sounded redundant to me – perhaps it’s the use of ‘simplicity’ twice. I’d suggest simply changing the second one to ‘it’. In other words: Painter Babu believed in simplicity in painting. “One look at my piece and you should raise your eyebrows” was his argument supporting it. Test both and see which works better for you.)

>>Though it’s been more than 7 yrs that I last saw him and first
(Write out the number 7 in words: Though it’s been more than seven years since I last saw him and first…)

>>But what the tiger missed to notice
(The usual term is failed to notice or you could simply leave the sentence as But what the tiger missed…)

>>Was the tiger a symbolic representation of man?
(‘Man’ should be capitalized, since it’s a general term for the human race.)

>>Though it’s been years that(since?) I’ve lost sight of the painting,

>>That way, probably he was right.
(Perhaps re-writing it as: That way, he was probably right. would sound better?)

>>In (the) midst of it stands a beautiful tree,

>>The path which the man looks at looks so empty.
(Repetition – you want to be wary of that in your story. I’d suggest rewriting this as: The path which he sees looks so empty. or The path this man sees, looks so empty.

>>May be I do not what exactly painter babu wanted to convey (,) but if I were the man in the painting I knew what it was.
(‘Maybe’ should be one word. ‘Painter Babu’ should be capitalized since that is the character’s name/title. And last but not least, always place a comma before the conjunctions ‘but/and/so/or’ especially if they separate phrases that can stand alone as sentences.)

>>To look back before it is late: to turn back and embrace the one behind you.
(I’d suggest changing the colon to a semi colon.)

>>And before I could hold here(her) she was gone, into the oblivion.

>>I don’t know if Painter Babu wanted this to be conveyed or is it my desperation to understand what it is or is it my loss that I’m seeing in his painting.
(This sentence was a bit confusing at first, and I had to read it several times to really understand what you were trying to say. Perhaps it’s the changing of the tenses, or the lack of punctuation marks where needed. However, I’d suggest re-writing this to: I don’t know if Painter Babu wanted this to be conveyed, or perhaps it was my desperation to understand what it was. Was it my loss that I saw this in his painting?)

*Star**Bullet**Star**Bullet**Star*

Overall, this was an enjoyable piece, but with a bit more polishing, it is bound to be a gem. Keep up the good work and write on. *Smile*


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#1086031 by iKïyå§ama

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