Hello Arihanthan ! and thank you for submitting your work Painter Babu to "♦The Review Pool♦ [Hiatus]"
Overall Impression:
Format – Good spacing between paragraphs making the story more presentable to the reader. However, some of the dialogue was lost within the narrative. I’d suggest separating those and putting them on separate lines, so it’s easier to read and digest.
Content- The story of a painting as seen through the eyes of a young man. It is a painting called ‘Meaning of Life’ by Painter Babu – a possible eccentric man whose ideals and philosophies follow no real doctrine or rule. The narrator seems to be a fan of the arts, as he talks about his experiences looking through various pieces over the years. However, this particular painting calls to him in a way he’s never experienced, neither can he comprehend why he’s so drawn to it. Questions to Painter Babu reveal nothing, but after a lot of thought, the narrator finally comes to a conclusion about its meaning and how it relates to his life.
Pluses +
This was an interesting take on the art world and an eccentric painter to go with it. I’m not sure if you’re into the Fine Arts, but several words and sentences in this story showed that you’ve done some research and know what you’re talking about.
You did a good job with imagery in this piece, bringing those paintings to life with your descriptions and making the reader ‘see’ just what was taking place. Nicely done.
Characterization- You’ve created a colorful character in Babu, and I could almost see a jolly man, eyes twinkling with mischief as he imparts his words of wisdom to others through his paintings. The narrator is clearly well-educated and has a love for the arts as shown in his words and attitude towards pictures. However, we can see that all doesn’t seem to be well with him in his personal life – something the reader finally gets to learn at the end of the story. It helps to give him a bit more depth.
Suggestions:
Here are a few things I noticed while reading. Please remember that these are only my suggestions/opinions and it’s ultimately up to you to choose what works best.
>>Though his entourage was not so fortifying (,) he managed to paint some masterpieces.
(Always place a comma after the introductory phrase of a sentence.)
>>Painter Babu believed in simplicity in painting. “One look at my piece and you should raise your eyebrows” was his argument supporting simplicity.
(While reading this sentence several times, it sounded redundant to me – perhaps it’s the use of ‘simplicity’ twice. I’d suggest simply changing the second one to ‘it’. In other words: Painter Babu believed in simplicity in painting. “One look at my piece and you should raise your eyebrows” was his argument supporting it. Test both and see which works better for you.)
>>Though it’s been more than 7 yrs that I last saw him and first
(Write out the number 7 in words: Though it’s been more than seven years since I last saw him and first…)
>>But what the tiger missed to notice
(The usual term is failed to notice or you could simply leave the sentence as But what the tiger missed…)
>>Was the tiger a symbolic representation of man?
(‘Man’ should be capitalized, since it’s a general term for the human race.)
>>Though it’s been years that(since?) I’ve lost sight of the painting,
>>That way, probably he was right.
(Perhaps re-writing it as: That way, he was probably right. would sound better?)
>>In (the) midst of it stands a beautiful tree,
>>The path which the man looks at looks so empty.
(Repetition – you want to be wary of that in your story. I’d suggest rewriting this as: The path which he sees looks so empty. or The path this man sees, looks so empty.
>>May be I do not what exactly painter babu wanted to convey (,) but if I were the man in the painting I knew what it was.
(‘Maybe’ should be one word. ‘Painter Babu’ should be capitalized since that is the character’s name/title. And last but not least, always place a comma before the conjunctions ‘but/and/so/or’ especially if they separate phrases that can stand alone as sentences.)
>>To look back before it is late: to turn back and embrace the one behind you.
(I’d suggest changing the colon to a semi colon.)
>>And before I could hold here(her) she was gone, into the oblivion.
>>I don’t know if Painter Babu wanted this to be conveyed or is it my desperation to understand what it is or is it my loss that I’m seeing in his painting.
(This sentence was a bit confusing at first, and I had to read it several times to really understand what you were trying to say. Perhaps it’s the changing of the tenses, or the lack of punctuation marks where needed. However, I’d suggest re-writing this to: I don’t know if Painter Babu wanted this to be conveyed, or perhaps it was my desperation to understand what it was. Was it my loss that I saw this in his painting?)
Overall, this was an enjoyable piece, but with a bit more polishing, it is bound to be a gem. Keep up the good work and write on.
** Image ID #1149532 Unavailable **
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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