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301
301
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I love your creativity and the ending is priceless. I'd have done the same thing--faint. lol I also like your description of the story. Nice work. :)

I have a couple of comments. First, regarding capitalization--Unless there was a literary reason that I didn't detect, you capitalized a lot of things unnecessarily...Chocolate, Young Man's Torch, and Vortex are some examples.

Next, in the paragraph when Theorem says, "How in hell should I know?" You used the wrong weather/whether. Weather is like sunny or not. To remember it, maybe think that on a sunny day, you can find a feather (spelled like "weather"). You should have used the spelling "whether" here. Also, I think you should have capitalized "hell" here, but I'm not 100% sure.

Also, in the last paragraph, I think you meant to say "...they were on ANOTHER world all together..." I think that was just a typo. lol I'm also 99.9% sure you should use "altogether" instead of "all together." In the part where the professor talks about chocolate being of the New World, you should use "furthermore" instead of "further more". All easy fixes. :)

Final critique, if they are sent to a world full of beasts like themselves, why didn't the snake know what was going on? Was that new world full of people sort of like them (talking animals, to simplify the description) but not from the chocolate enchantment? It's just a world naturally full of talking animals? Are they the first ones to fall for the chocolate trick? I sort of thought others had fallen for it before, but if so, I would have thought the snake would know where they came from. Maybe only a couple of people fell into that trap and they are now living among the other animals? I was a touch confused on this point, but it's nothing that destroys the story.

The biggest thing I'd like to see in your story is more description. You have some amazing ideas! I want you to make me feel like I'm really there. I know you can write some things that will make me taste that chocolate from here. ;)

Most of my criticisms are easy fixes. Good work. I REALLY liked your creativity. I never would have thought to write this story. lol I also would have fallen for the chocolate enchantment 100% myself. ;) I like the little bit of information you give about this new world. It has me curious and wanting to know more. We can learn grammar and punctuation, but learning creativity like you have is much harder (if not impossible). Really nice work and I'm especially pleased that you didn't use a bunch of common, overly used expressions and descriptions. You are clearly too creative for that! Thanks for sharing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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302
Review of My Family  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I'm new to both here and to reviewing...and I'm not a poet, so take all that into consideration with my comments. :)

My FAVORITE thing about your poem is that you didn't do my least favorite thing. ;) So many people use common/trite expressions like ruby lips or cold as ice. I don't see a single one and I love it! :D Then again, you don't officially have a lot of description in your poem, but still, I like it.

I also really like your description. It pulled me in and made me want to read your story. But you spelled poem wrong. lol Also, did you mean to write "bout" instead of "about"? I'm not sure if that was a typo or a stylistic choice...just checking.

On a completely unplanned and untechnical note, I'm also glad your poem is short enough that I can look at it while writing my review instead of having to move up and down the page constantly. My personal laziness showing through. Heeheehee

A grammar point in the fourth line, it's "try TO carry" but it's a poem, so write what you want. lol I'm also not sure how much I love the length of that line, but splitting it up sort of breaks up the rhymes, so I don't know. I don't really have a better suggestion for that one.

I also like that you're okay with approximate rhymes like "only" and "family."

Nice work! Keep it up!
303
303
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm not a poet and I'm new to reviewing and to this site, so take my comments with a grain of salt. :)

You have some wonderful imagery and descriptions here. I love the colors of the sunset, not your normal choices. "Eerily romantic" is something I never would have thought of, but I totally LOVE! NICE CHOICE!

The line I like the least for its creativity is the 2nd one--"water is black as night." Really? You have some truly amazing stuff in here and you throw that in? It's so common. Black is always night. You can find something way better, I'm sure of it. :) You've got serious skills! Use them to revamp this line. :)

The other line I don't care much for is the one about "...two-hundred-year-old..." (Good job knowing about using the dashes, btw. lol) I think you should choose either buildings or houses, but I feel like using both makes that line simply too long. Just my opinion...

This is generally a really nice piece. It's very clear and descriptive. Great work! Keep it up!
304
304
Rated: E | (4.0)
I'm new to reviewing and to this site. I'm also not a poet, so take all this into consideration when you read my review.

It's an interesting poem. I like how you use things like 3 words in a row ending in Y, then in the next line, you use harsh sounding words like "brick and stone". Nice juxtaposition.

I know I'm being picky here, but if he picked wheat and barley, I don't think he'd also be writing documents in court. I'm pretty sure those were two different levels of society in those days. Also, when he eats stew, I feel like that rhyme is forced or overdone or something. Yet, I like that immediately afterward, you repeat the word "drew" at the end of one line and beginning of the next. (I'll have to remember that idea. :) )

I love the rhyme of "grasses" and "crevasses". It's a surprise, yet seems to come naturally.

The part that's killing me is the last line. I don't get it. Hypocrisy was never found? He was never found after he became a hypocrite? It was never found that he was a hypocrite? I just don't get the last line.

Generally a nice poem. I wouldn't have thought to describe a character in a piece of stained glass. Interesting idea!
305
305
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I'm new here and new to reviewing. I'm also not a poet, but I really like your poem. (I happen to think that if a non-poet likes your poem, that makes it extra good. ;) )

I'm being picky here (since there's not a lot of bad things to say), but I got the impression he's in a plane now, but it seems to refer to coal burning engines. I don't recall any coal burning planes, but maybe there were some I don't know about?

Is there a specific reason the plane is being compared to a clock? Is it because time marches on and now he's in a plane instead of a blimp? That's my only guess. If that's not right, maybe work to make it a little more clear.

You have some GREAT lines! "...my teeth ache in empathy..." and "...the clean taste of clouds." The only one I don't really like is the 3rd from the bottom where your "...fingers dance..." It seems so trite after your other amazing lines. I think you should see if you can come up with something better. If not, it doesn't destroy everything, but I don't think it holds the weight of the poem like the other lines do.

Great work! You have some real talent!
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306
Rated: E | (3.0)
Keep in mind that I'm new here and new to reviewing. :)

Be sure to break your story up into paragraphs. I broke it up where I thought was best. :) One thing I found, if you write in Microsoft Word, certain settings make your document seem like it has spaces between paragraphs, but when you Drag and Drop it here, those spaces disappear. I have two suggestions for that. One is to hit Enter twice on your Word document. It makes it look weird in Word, but it makes it transition fine (I think--again, I'm new). The other suggestion is what I did when I discovered my whole story was a giant paragraph. I edited it after bringing it to Writing.Com. However, the problem I discovered with that is that if the last sentence in a paragraph ends near the end of the line, you might not realize you were supposed to start a new paragraph unless you actually reread the whole story. Another option (besides rereading the whole story after you drop it over here) is to count paragraphs in your original piece to be sure you have the right number after editing here. Anyway, I actually entered a contest with it as 1 giant paragraph because I didn't realize my mistake and didn't have time to fix it. Don't be like me. lol

I wonder if either you aren't a native speaker or you are young. In general your writing is good, but there are a few grammar mistakes (mostly small words left out). (Maybe you just didn't proof read carefully. lol) I copied your whole piece here and inserted parenthesis ( ) where I made changes or had thoughts.

It was (a) hot summer day and I was swimming with my family. I was standing in the water when my mom (here you say MOM but later you say MUM--pick one ;) ) told me: "Hey, looks like someone has gained some weight."

"Wh-What?" I respond. (I like that response. lol)

"Look on (maybe use AT instead of ON?) your belly" she said.

I looked down. She was right. My belly (HAD--stick with past tense if you start that way) gotten flabby. It was hanging at least one inch over my straight swimwear. I (HADN'T) noticed that until (UNTIL has 1 L) now. I (HAD) gained at least 15 lbs. I touched my belly. It was kinda soft, but I was feeling better than when I was skinny.

On the way to home, we stopped at the fast food (RESTAURANT or PLACE or say WE STOPPED FOR FAST FOOD). I was really hungry. I had three burgers, (A) large cola and large fries. When (I) finished, I ordered one milkshake. It was so good.

When we arrived home, I checked the scale. It was showing 130 lbs. At my height, because I'm only 5'5, it was really noticeable. I was also 14 years old, brown hair and brown eyes. (Personally, I don't like the mention of brown hair and eyes here. It seems unnatural. We've already met Jake, so why are you describing him here? If you want to give a better picture of Jake, mention it sooner so it's more natural. Maybe you brush your brown bangs off your face to look at your stomach?) I went to my room to put on my black tight jeans. They were tight (you just said that), I didn't wear them for the whole summer, so I must have gained weight this summer. I didn't need to wear (A) belt. I went to the kitchen for some chips and chocolate. (Yummy! lol) I brought (THEM) into my room, sat on the sofa and started playing videogames, as I do every day.

(THE) next day, I was hanging out with my friend, Kyle. We are the same age. He has (an) athletic body, black hair and green eyes. (Since this story is about body shape, saying he's athletic seems fine, but again the hair and eye color seem forced. I think you can do better leaving them out.) He noticed my little weight gain. He touched my belly and said: "Jake, you weren't that soft before".

I told him about my little gain.

"That's cool, I think that you look great when you are soft" he said. (I like that your character's friend still accepts him.)

I was happy that he (LIKED) it, because I like it too.

We head to the fast food and we bought ourselves some food. (IN) the evening we were at my home, because he was sleeping at my home this night. We were eating pizza and playing video games. It was a great time.

The next morning, my mum (MUM or MOM) baked a cake for ( ) breakfast. I ate twice much cake as Kyle and my clothes got really tight. Then we went upstairs to my room and we sat down on my sofa. I took off my T-shirt to feel comfortable and Kyle noticed that I have three little fat rolls.

"Jake, you're getting fat".

"I know." I said, but I didn't care. Then Kyle took his T-shirt off too. My mum (I think maybe just change the top one to MUM :) ) brought us a dozen donuts. I offered (SOME or ONE) to Kyle, but he said, that he's not hungry so I ate them all. Then my favorite black jeans popped. We couldn't stop laughing. Then he started playing with my belly. I liked that.

At the end of summer holidays, I was 145 lbs. I thought, "What will my classmates say about my weight gain?" (Indeed...what will they say? lol)

I like that your character is comfortable with his body, though I don't want him to get TOO fat. It's not healthy. But it's also not healthy being obsessive about being thin. It's tricky. Nice story. It needs a little tightening up, but generally a good effort. :)
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Review of I feel for you  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I'm new and not a poet, so take that into account with my opinions. :)

I think your effort is excellent and I can totally understand what you're saying (unlike some poems I've read). That's great! But I feel like you can be more imaginative with your descriptions. You did a nice job with saying you want to "...feel the beat..." of their desires. That's not a normal description and I like it. However, "darkest desires?" Nah. You can do better--You just did a couple of words ago. Desires are so often described as dark, it's no longer poetry. I admit, I had trouble coming up with a better word. "Nightfall desires" or "shadowy (or shadowed) desires" was the best I could do and I don't love any of those choices, myself. Maybe try in a slightly different direction? I know, all criticism and no help. Sorry. lol

Also, everyone runs fingers through hair and a lot of people trace lips. Maybe you could softly trace locks of hair? That's less common. Or trace a heart shape on their lips?

You have the passion and the clarity (lacking in a lot of poems). You just need to break free of ordinary descriptions and find new things. Combine old things in new ways (like tracing locks of hair) or change how they are done (like tracing a heart on lips, which also could symbolize that you want to tell them you love them or that you want them to say they love you...). It's a bit of work, but you got this! (I also assume you're good friends with a thesaurus. ;) )

I think you've done a great job of avoiding some of the more annoying mistakes poets make. This will be a great piece when you are done! Definitely keep at it! Nice job!
308
308
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm new and not a poet, so take these comments with that in mind. :)

I really like the title and though I usually hate trite ideas like memories behind doors in our mind, you gave it a fresh twist with the description so I felt like I was reading something entirely new. Nice work! And I'm totally in love with the phrase "...the palace of upheavals and estrangement..."

I'm less in love with the part about the dam as it's a more common image. And, I'm being picky here, but they typically don't hold back multiple lakes and rivers, I don't think...Just one. lol Change it or not, whatever. :)

One thing I really think you should consider changing is "highly sought-after." The rest of the poem is much more imaginative than that. You've got amazing imagery (like the front yard being ensnared by adjacent streets) and then use a "go-to" phrase. You have a lot more talent than that--It's obvious throughout the rest of the poem. :D

One last thing I like is the "freedom, light, and hope." Those don't traditionally go together in a set, but they really work well together (because you're imaginative and can come up with unique combinations ;) ).

Nice work! Keep it up!
309
309
Review of Chaos  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I'm new and not a poet, but your poem is interesting to me. I am amused that you are chaos, yet the shape of the poem is clearly well organized. Do you want it to be a juxtaposition? If so, I don't really get it, but again, I'm not a poet. I'd expect this poem to be more raggedy looking if it's about chaos. :)

I also don't quite understand the random (to me) use of the capital vs. lower case I. I tried to see a pattern but couldn't. Then there's the capitalized "Eyes" with lower case "a tale. and scales." Perhaps it's beyond me, but perhaps it should be rethought. Just my 2 cents. lol Wait a minute...Does the random capitalization suggest CHAOS? Good grief, you're killing me! Hahaha

You said you have "a tale (story)." Did you mean "tail (like you wag)?" (Darned poets...I never know what's on purpose and what's by accident. Hahaha) If you mean a story, maybe put it at the end and put the wings and scales together..."With wings and scales. A tale." If you want to cause a pause between "wings" and "and", put in ellipses? (I'm a fan of them as you can already see. lol) That way the tale plays on the body parts and also like a story. Plus, the tail is at the end and that is at the end of the line. :)

One other suggestion--You said "My Eyes are blue like the ocean." Blah. First, depending on where you are, the ocean is a lot of different colors. Second and more importantly, don't ruin your awesome poem with a trite phrase like that. Blue eyes are always described as oceans, skies, or water. You have a lot of creativity inside--I totally see that. Find a different description for your blue. Moonlit snow? Indian corn? Maybe go with something intangible like they are blue like a lover's quarrel? I don't know. I'm not a poet, but you're better than simply "blue like the ocean." :D

My favorite line is "but I am only me." I don't know why (I know, terrible reviewing), but I love that line!

This poem is well on it's way. Nice work! Keep at it!
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