Howdy! Sorry it took me so long to get back to your story! It looks a LOT better now. :) But there are still things that could be cleaned up. However, I'm very impressed with what you've done with it. :D
First, the title should have more capital letters. Always capitalize the first word, then after that, capitalize most of the rest of the words except for little meaning words like "a," "the," "but," and "and." (There are more, but those are examples. You can google "what words do you capitalize in a title" next time if you're not sure. :) So, the title should be "Jake's Fat Story/1/Summer Holidays."
Also, in the description, you need another comma. Sorry, I didn't notice either of these things before. Anyway, "...teen boy, Jake, who is..." You know you need a comma because if you take out "Jake," then "...teen boy who is..." still makes perfect sense--little tip for the future. ;)
Don't forget to add an extra line space between paragraphs so it's easier on your reader's eyes. (Some of us are older. lol) You can do this either before you drag and drop it to WDC by just having your original story double spaced (or if it's already double, use triple to be sure it carries over), or you can edit your story afterward and put in extra line spaces (like I have in this e-mail) to make it easier to read.
Now, for the story! I copied it into the review to help. I'll use capital letters and parentheses ( ) to draw attention to my changes so you can find them more easily. I'll also put any comments in parentheses. As for the comments, remember, these are my opinion. If you disagree, don't change it. It's your story! :)
Hey, I'm Jake. I'm fourteen years old, I have brown hair and eyes and this is my story. (I like this a lot more with this little intro. I still don't think the brown hair and eyes is necessary, but it's better here than where it was before and I really like the rest as an intro. I can almost see Jake talking to us.)
(Note: Extra space)
It was a hot summer day and I was swimming with my family. When I took off my T-shirt and put on my swimwear, my mom said(,) "Hey, looks like someone has gained some weight." (Erased 1 period--In American English it always goes on the inside, though a question mark or exclamation mark depends on the sentence. I hear British English has different rules.)
"Wh-What?" I RESPONDED. (I like that response. lol New paragraph because it's a new speaker. Also, again, watch your tense.)
"Look at your belly(,)" she said. (Pretty much always add a comma when you are saying someone said something.)
I looked down. (New paragraph because action moved from her talking to you looking.) She was right. My belly had gotten flabby. It was hanging at least one inch over my now skintight swimwear. Where did that fat came from? I hadn't notice that until now. I must had gained at least 15 lbs. I touched my belly. It was kinda soft, but I was feeling better than when I was skinny. I BENT (You changed from past to present tense. Stay one tense. I do it ALL the time. It's my most common mistake, so don't feel bad. lol) down to check THE temperature of the water and my swimwear ripped.
My older brother Luke was laughing. He was 17, tall and muscular with blond hair and blue eyes. He was pretty (In English, we don't usually call a guy pretty. Girls are pretty, guys are handsome.) and he was ON his school football team. Girls liked him, but he was so horrible jerk. ("...so horrible." Or "...SUCH A horrible jerk.") Sometimes I really hated him for his acts, because he only wants to raise (Usually we say "...BOOST his ego.") his ego.
On the way to home, we stopped for fast food. I was really hungry. I had three burgers, a large cola and large fries. When I finished, I ordered one milkshake. It was so good. When we arrived home, I checked the scale. It was showing 130 lbs. At my height, because I'm only 5'6, it was really noticeable. (Changed location so new paragraph.)
I went to my room to put on my black tight jeans. They were tighter than I remembered(.) I didn't wear them for the whole summer, so I must have gained weight this summer. I didn't need to wear a belt anymore. I went to the kitchen for some chips and chocolate. (Love them both! lol) I brought them into my room, sat on the sofa and started playing videogames, as I do every day. My brother was hanging out with his "awesome crew".
The next morning, someone was knocking on the door.
"Move your lazy bottom, fattie, and go open the door!" shouted my brother.
So now he will tease me about my gain, great. I went downstair(S) and opened the door. It was Kyle, my best friend (same age, athletic body, black hair and green eyes). (I don't think the info in the parentheses is important, but it's your story.)
He was holding a basketball ball "Hey, Jake, wanna go out and play some basketball?" he asked.
"Sure, of course!" I responded.
We went to the playground. After an hour, I sat down and I took off my T-shirt, because I was really sweaty.
He noticed my little weight gain. He touched my belly and said: "WHOA, looks like you had gained a couple of pounds(.)"
I told him about my little gain and how my brother teases me about it.
"That's cool, I think that you look great when you are soft(,)" he said.
I was happy that he liked it, because I like it too. He is a good friend, always on my side. After 15 minutes, we head to the fast food RESTAURANT and we bought ourselves some food.
In the evening we were at my home, because he was sleeping at my home this night. We were eating pizza and playing video games. It was a great time.
The next morning, my mom baked a cake for breakfast. I ate twice much cake as Kyle and my clothes got really tight.
My brother came downstairs to get his breakfast. "Hey fatboy, leave me some cake(,)" he said to me.
I was ignoring him. After breakfast, me and Kyle went upstairs to my room and we sat down on my sofa. I took off my T-shirt to feel comfortable. Then Kyle took his T-shirt off too. My mom brought us a dozen donuts. I offered some to Kyle, but he said that he's not hungry so I ate them all. Then my favorite black jeans popped. We couldn't stop laughing. He SLAPPED my belly. It was pretty jiggly. I liked that. I was slowly gaining to the end of summer.
At the end I was about 145 lbs. My old clothes didn't fit me anymore and I couldn't pass my jeans OVER my bottom, so I went to buy new ONES with Kyle. (Jeans and pants are pretty much always plural.) I bought new black jeans, A white T-shirt, red swimwear, blue shorts, gray sweatpants and new underwear, because my bottom couldn't fit in the old ones anymore.
I was starving so we went to a nearby restaurant. I bought some burgers.
"What about trying out your new swimwear?" offered KYLE to me. ("To me" isn't really needed.)
"Why not(?)" I RESPONDED. We went to the swimming pool. My new swimwear was fitting me nicely.
"Hey Jake, I didn't noticed that you had gained more. What's your weight now?" told me Kyle. (I'm confused. Either "I NOTICED that you..." or "I didn't NOTICE that you...")
"Yeah, I was eating a little more lately. I'm about 145." said I.
"Good work, I mean, that fat FITS you nicely." he told me. "Thanks." (Erased 1 comma.)
I went home after two hours. I was tired, so I took a pack of chips, laid down on sofa and started watching TV.
In the afternoon, I went to the bathroom wearing my green boxers. I looked AT my belly in the mirror. It was so soft and doughy. What a crazy HOLIDAY. It's the first of September TOMORROW and I thought, "What will my classmates say about my weight gain?"
MUCH better! :D Good job! I can tell you worked hard! |
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Just a quick review from me to you! 
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
Another way to do it if you don't have room in the synopsis, I've seen and started doing myself is to type it in the body and then change the color to grey. Most folks do it at the end of the story, though, being a rebel and wanting folks to know about the writing before reading it, I do it at the beginning. lol Anyway, just more options in you want them. 
One point on the title, though...all the words except "as a" should be capitalized. But it certainly makes the reader think about reading this article. Great job!
