I would like to suggest the use of some punctuation, though. I feel like it might make the reading go a bit more smoothly and would help clarify some points you are trying to make. For example, the 2nd line. I'm left unsure if you mean that you are blank and you are drawing a blank or if it means you are drawing a blank and you're saying it twice.
The one line I don't care of is "but he be thinking." I don't feel like it follows in the same voice as the rest. It suddenly breaks into unconventional grammar, unlike the rest of the poem, but I don't see a real literary benefit to breaking with tradition here. But it's just my opinion. Like this whole review, take what you like, leave the rest. :)
My two favorite lines are, "He keeps me in heat" (that one actually made me chuckle a little when I read it) and "Which means it isn't there." That last favorite really brings the voice of the character out loud and clear for me. I love that. I want to know and understand what she's feeling and this really drives that home for me. Great lines!
I feel like I'm reading one of Aesop's fables or something. Powerful stuff! :D I wish I could write things like this! I think your use of their voices is perfect for this, especially the seahorse's. I can totally hear him in his angry arrogance, thinking he can free himself or being willing to die rather than accept help. Wonderful! And sad. Great writing! Keep it up! You have serious talent!
Nice! I like it! Kate Collins totally sounds like a name that should be famous. :) One change I'd make--Husband-to-be should have hyphens. Partly, because I'm 99.9% sure it's correct and partly because it's a tad confusing otherwise (which is probably why using them in this case is correct lol).
So, have you started working on this or is it just a contest entry? :)
I'm glad you said it was David Coleman in your intro portion, as I wouldn't have guessed, not being familiar with him, but I TOTALLY got what you were saying here. Sometimes poetry is elusive...a bit TOO elusive. If the reader can't understand it, the writer is simply writing for themselves. My favorite thing is that I understand this poem! Thank you! :)
I also love that you have so many new phrases in here:
Literature butcher!
Creativity killer!
Destroyer of Academics.
Greedy crusader!
The only one I'm not 100% in love with is "false teacher," because I've heard it so many times before, but from my VERY brief browsing of info on David Coleman, I think I can see why you chose that phrase.
Have you REALLY heard he's uncouth? I felt like that was maybe just written because it rhymed. Feel free to tell me if I'm wrong. You know far more about him than I do (or care to, now that you've enlightened me). I don't love that rhyme. But I don't hate it either. If you feel it's true, go for it! :)
One last thing to compliment--your line break here:
Who said you deserved a role
In education?
Most folks (especially ME) end each line where you'd naturally pause like with a comma or period, but you were bolder and broke in the middle of a thought. Nice, creative choice. I like it!
Thank you for writing this poem. I suspect you're not from the U.S. as I don't recall such a coin, but I think it's awesome and wish they did that here!
My favorite part of the poem is the line, "To loved ones, to families, though their troubled minds roam." I'm an Iraq war vet and this is certainly true. I can't tell you how many time I was with friend or family, but wasn't really there. I was totally checked out, thinking of Iraq--and often they didn't seem to notice.
Great story--It gave me goose bumps, literally. :) I had to google "maw" but now I think that's an amazing description! (Fyi, if you didn't already know, type "define: maw" and Google gives you the definition.) I'm also impressed with your use of the word "wheel" in this story. I totally would have used it in reference to a car or something equally unimaginative. The ending felt a touch cheesy to me, but hey, who doesn't love a cheesy ending. :D Besides, it leaves us feeling better, slightly more hopeful. Thanks for that!
I really appreciate how you describe her memories of those specific days. We do remember certain details ever so clearly. I was in Iraq and remember very clearly the day I saw my friend lying dead. When I get really upset about it, I can even smell the cologne of the medic. (When it first happened, I was in therapy and I actually thought it was the cologne of the next patient in the waiting room and they were just wearing WAY too much--it was THAT realistic! It wasn't until the 2nd time when I was alone in my truck that I realized it had to be my imagination. Crazy.) Sadly, I'm getting medically retired due to issues and injuries from Iraq, but if it comforts your character at all, a lot of us wish we hadn't come back and could trade places with those who left behind families...it only seems fair.
Awww...This is so heartfelt. It makes me hurt for you.
My friends and I never played that killer whales would eat us, for us it was hot lava and killer piranha, but still, it's funny how similar games can be among children.
Minor typo: "...showed me YOUR Garbage Pail Kids..."
Wording suggestion: "...devise a plan on getting our parents..." I suggest either "...a plan FOR getting..." or perhaps "...a plan TO GET our..." You make a plan for things or to do things, but mostly you just plan on things. (Notice no "a" before "plan on.") It's not killing the letter if you like it as is, though. :)
I love the last line and the little rhyme it in.
Very well done and it makes me sad (assuming it's a true story). Keep up the great work!
I love this! Even the intro made me want to read it. Well done!
I'm not really that into poetry, but I've been "forced" to read a good bit here for reviewing. :)
I really appreciate that I understand yours. It's clear and makes sense. Nice work!
My favorite line:
breath raking over
cinnamon-candy-apple
coated lips
I've not read much about breath "raking over" things and though lips are sometimes candy colored or even candy tasting and sometimes apple colored as well, they are never "cinnamon-candy-apple coated." Nice way to mix things up.
I also like that you combine stars and streetlamps. Those two things aren't usually paired.
And I like the space before the last line. I wouldn't have thought of that.
My favorite phrase is "made it same enough." Nice choice of words here. :)
There was a moment, mid-story, where I was a touch confused, but I suppose that's necessary to make the character switch. I certainly do love where this story goes, though.
The only thing I'm not sure about is when you use the term "stupid rubble." I'm not sure if I really like the creativity of it or I'm distracted because I actually put my face closer to the screen, at first sure I'd misread the word "rubble."
On the good side, I'm very pleased to see you don't have a bunch of trite phrases and overused pairings sprinkled throughout. Very well done. Keep it up!
Very creative idea. lol I never would have thought of this.
There are times when the sound of The Mickey Mouse Club is perfectly clear and I totally recognize the music with the words. But, and this might be because I haven't watched it in a very long time, but sometimes it seems to be a bit of a stretch. I think sometimes it's the cadence of the word choices since they have the right number of syllables. Again, maybe I'm wrong and I certainly couldn't do a better job. lol
I like that you're getting so creative with your writing. Great ideas.
What a really sweet poem! I sincerely hope your girlfriend appreciated it like she should have. :)
I like that I generally understood the poem the first read through. I hate when I have to read it several times to get it (and even then I often don't). Nice work! Clarity is so important, in my opinion! If I don't understand it, what's the point of posting it? (Unless you're looking for help with clarity. lol)
My favorite lines:
Our timeless love's fiery wand
Begins to awaken and twirl,
It's not uncommon to use fiery with love, but you use it in a new way. That makes me happy because I'd totally criticize your choice of words if you hadn't. lol
As a new member, I especially like this piece. I like how you talk about your motivation and your challenges. It's also encouraging that you've learned so much. I also really appreciate you enlightening me about other groups. The Newbies Academy Group sounds like something I could use. Thanks!
Looking at the date you created this (June 15) and reading you talking about having 2 more chapters in a book to read and 3 more books to read before the end of the month makes me want to know how it worked out. I'd be surprised if you got through it all, but maybe you did. Either way, good for you for trying. :)
The only thing I'd like to see different is that you say you were writing this for the challenge, but I didn't really get if there were any parameters or if the challenge was simply to write about the challenge or what.
That's a really cute poem. And I've never heard of a clerihew, so thanks for the info at the bottom. :)
My least favorite line is "He runs to stay in shape." Partly, because I don't recall Snoopy doing a lot of running for exercise (but maybe I just don't recall), and partly because I feel like it's a bit of a cop out for using those two words, just my opinion. lol (Unless, again, Snoopy does run for exercise and I've just forgotten, then I guess it's fine. :) )
My favorite line is the last one: "and at sunset, wears a cape." It's cute and creative and though I remember him more wearing a scarf, I think I recall a cape too...I think. Hey, if he never wore a cape, all the better that your poem made me think he did. :)
Nice work and I'm impressed with what you tackled here!
Creative idea. Though the "rules" for senryu, as I understand, say it's traditionally about human nature or emotions, but hey, rules are meant to be broken. lol Plus, a frozen computer certainly brings out a LOT of emotion when it happens. This poem didn't really elicit much emotion from me, though. Maybe just amusement at the idea and pleasure that you tried this style with this topic.
This line threw me: "A middle aged man wearing a blue silk cape with gold seams smiled brightly." Because the woman had just spoken to her son, John, I assumed that's who it was describing. However, on second read, I think it's actually the ambassador. Perhaps you can make this a touch more clear.
One of my favorite lines: "There was a short silence and Khrine clapped his hands to dismiss the mood." Wonderful! Where is he when I need him in MY life? lol
Another favorite: “Is summon you souls of men, come to my aid!” Except that I assume it's supposed to be "I summon," not "is".
Typo: “I would not get too curious about the mater lad.” MATTER and "he caused lighting to pass" LIGHTNING (also, since you were just talking about Ryste, it made me think for a moment that he was the one doing that) and "needle -like" should be one word: needle-like, but I assume that was an accident. Also, I assume you meant "spiked MACES" when you wrote "spiked mazes." :)
There are a lot of places I think commas should be inserted: "indigenous barbarians, I imagine" and "of course, your majesty” and "Son, please" (and please shouldn't be capitalized here).
After they sit down and start to eat, it's a little confusing about who's talking. And it gets confusing again beginning with "We stay away." (I agree--stay away. That forest sounds like BAD NEWS! lol)
The only big change I'd like to see is a longer fight scene at the end. There is such buildup, then it's over in just a few lines. I suspect it's because this was for a contest and you were running out of words. Hahaha Anyway, I'd like to see the ending expanded.
Ivory Thorn is a super cool name for a sword! Also, I like that it's unclear if it's a dragon or a tiger on the handle. Nice touch. :) I know I made a lot of critiques here, but mostly it's just punctuation/syntax stuff. It's a very creative story and I really like it. Most of the problems were simple fixes that closer proofreading could probably correct. Keep at it! You have talent. :)
I like your use of nothing but dialogue. I think that makes it harder, forcing you to stretch yourself. It's good for us all.
The only line I think sounds awkward is: "Oh come now, from whom have you taken it from?" I feel like there are too many FROM's in this sentence. :)
The only other critique is that technically, at the beginning he's only ABOUT to steal his father's time and it's not until the end that he's ACTUALLY stolen it, but I'm nitpicking. ;)
I love the comedy of this. You also did a good job with the voices. I didn't lose track of who was speaking. Wonderful story! Thanks for writing this!
I see 21 people have said how amazing this poem is and it even won an awardicon, so you probably don't really have much use for my comments. They simply blend into the fanfare of those already adoring you and your work. :)
I've never done a double acrostic. I'm impressed you took on the challenge--Excellent results to boot.
My favorite sentence: Pandemonium reigned as Hell staged a coup. VERY creative description!
My least favorite sentence: Hope springs eternal, like the phoenix from ash. I've heard both of these phrases dozens, if not hundreds of times. Admittedly, you're trying to come up with H stuff, so that limits you a bit more and in no way am I saying I could do better. I absolutely could not. However, I firmly believe you could. Your creativity is draped all over this poem, then you end with something ordinary and trite. I know you can do better! :D
I also love how you used the word "improv." Most folks use that in relation to theater, etc. Nice new usage. :)
Wonderful poem and tribute! Thank you for writing this!
Awww...What a wonderful poem/tribute! I love it! Your love and affection for your mom really shows through.
I googled and am pretty sure "was" is supposed to be capitalized in your title. I think my only other criticism is that you said "She breathed life into an ordinary world." Breathing life into things is a bit overdone, in my opinion. I think you can do better there. That's it. The rest is AMAZING!
Talking about your mom giving the world color and that "her smile was kindness" instead of saying her smile was kind, show wonderfully descriptive creativity. You said she was "no longer anchored to this Earth." Also so beautiful, though so sad. But part of why it's so sad is because it's described so beautifully. You have a serious amount of talent!
Fyi, I had to google "ebon," unsure if you'd accidentally left off the Y. Nope. It's a real word and now I know. :D
Fantastic descriptions and excellent work! Keep it up!
I got to the second line and was suspicious that you weren't a newbie. I checked your handle and you've got like a gazillion awards, etc. Nice work. Your talent is evident immediately!
I really have no criticisms here. The only tiny thing I can see is that you capitalized "but" in the title. I googled (to be sure) and it says you don't. (Unless you do in a poem. I didn't read THOROUGHLY, just that you don't capitalize "but", or other coordinating conjuctions, in a title.) I think it looks better capitalized, myself. But either way, you have it capitalized on the main title, but not in the title listed just on top of the poem. At least be consistent. I once had a teacher that said it was better to be consistently wrong than inconsistent. :)
My favorite part is "amazement sprouts" which is funny because I'm guessing you wouldn't have said that if "sprout" hadn't been mandatory. lol Very creative! I wouldn't have thought of that. Keep up the great work!
Awww...I love this poem! (But maybe it's because I'm a war vet, myself. Thanks for the poem/tribute!)
I think you could use a couple of commas in the first sentence: Recall, i do, armor's rattle. They make a nice pause, strengthening the idea that you DO recall. Though I don't think you need one in the 3rd line, unless there's some stylistic choice I'm not getting (very possible).
I feel the love and the strength here. I love it! Nice work!
Nice poem and I love the theme. I just wrote in a previous review about that poet's advanced use of line/idea breaks. I'm sure there's an official term, but you do it too. For example:
Crimson reflections echo
off morning gray clouds reminding us
of the reason for Christmas.
Most people would be afraid to separate "echo" from "off morning gray clouds" but not you. Nice choice. I also often have to tell people to "show me, don't tell me" and you did that as well. I also like how you describe a "cloud gray sky" instead of a "gray cloud sky"--Boring. You jazzed it up just by switching the words around. I'll have to give that a try myself. :)
I don't know if you're interested, but you could try doing something with the grey clouds suggesting our sin that he came to cleanse...Or is that more an Easter poem? Just a thought.
This really made me laugh! My favorite parts are where you ran like a scared mouse and these lines:
I swore to slaughter them without apologies,
to bring true horror to their little faces.
Even rereading that last line makes me laugh again. I never thought about wasps having horror on their faces. Hahahaha The other part I loved was when you said it makes you "feel like Manly Men." Normally I hate trite phrases in literature, but this was perfectly used, perfectly placed. I also really like how you don't necessarily end a line's thought at the end of a line, but sometimes carry it over to mid-way through the next line. For example:
As I watched, one by one the mad wasps flew
to their house’s opening, only to be
repelled by the bug spray. That’s when I knew
the battle had turned in favor of me.
I'm not a poet or even a particularly good critic, so I can't offer any suggestions as your talent is clearly far superior to mine. But I repeatedly tell people in my reviews that I had a teacher who used to tell us "Show me. Don't tell me." You did exactly that. I felt like I was there in the battle. (Well, maybe safely behind a screen or glass. lol) Excellent work!
Nice work. I feel your passion. However, I think your ability to get your point across is somewhat lost in the vague descriptions of what you are trying to say. I used to have a poetry teach that said, "Show me. Don't tell me." I feel like you are trying to tell us about your passion and your point of view rather than showing us so we can see for ourselves. Consider using more descriptions and examples of what you mean rather than just giving commentary. I think this might make things more clear. I also don't get the point of the repeated stanza (or whatever that's called) that starts, "Progressivism what a bunch of snobs." Repeating it could be useful, but it wasn't repeated in an organized way that made sense to me.
You have some really nice phrases:
From loving arms,
Into the harsh system,
So much harm,
To the droning, beating drum
and
Look around you.
Don’t let them destroy,
Everything we’re meant to be!
are my favorites. But I think my favorite thing in the whole poem is your approximate rhyme (I think that's what it's called) between SELFISH and THIS. A lot of people can't think of and/or are afraid of approximate rhyme, but you're not. Great work! I also like that you don't overuse a lot of trite descriptions (except "beating drum" lol). You use new descriptions like "harsh system" and "bulls*** content" so your work seems fresh and interesting.
You have a real passion for this topic. This poem can really show us that passion and maybe even sway our views. Don't let it die. If you need to let it rest for a while, fine, but keep at it. Really show us what you mean! Good luck! :D
Your description said this poem is about waiting for something to happen, but that's not how I read it. The first line tells me you are trying to protect your heart. (Keep in mind, I'm not a poet, so this is what it tells ME. :) ) Now, according to the second line, if you're ready to turn a page, you're ready to start something new. I feel like you are about to take action, presumably leave someone and start over (because they hurt you, thus you had to put your heart in a cage to protect it). I don't get the feeling you are waiting for something to happen at all--at least not from the beginning.
In the 3rd stanza (or whatever those things are called) did you mean "...consumed BY deep rage" or did you really mean MY? I think BY makes more sense to me, but it's your poem. :)
Also, I'm a bit confused about the other person having the key. I thought your heart had recently been put in the cage--by you and for its for protection. But if that's the case, why did you give the jerk the key? This doesn't follow for me. Maybe I just need clarification on the timelines or perhaps on motives?
Did you mean to leave out the IF in the next to last line? "I feel as IF I could lose my mind" flows a bit better to me, but it's personal taste. I still get the meaning.
I sort of feel like the top half and the bottom half are 2 different poems. The top half seems to be someone ready to take action. The bottom half seems to be someone waiting. If you want more waiting in the top half, you'll need more clock/time references, I think. But maybe consider splitting this poem. Could the person be waiting for the right time to take action then take it? Maybe it would make a good pairing of 2 related poems. Just a thought...
This is the first poem I really couldn't read silently. Every time I'd start to read over a part to think about, I'd find myself reading it out loud, without even meaning to. :) I think this poem is begging to be performed. I think there is some tweaking to be done, but you obviously have passion and heart. That's a lot harder to teach. Nice work! Keep at it!
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