Hello, I'm StephBee and I am reviewing your story for Best of the Rest.Thanks for entering.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE FORUM
The forum hosts the author's contest. Entries include lyrics, poetry, and flash fiction stories. Prompts are in the message forum of the forum.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked how easy it was to manuever around the forum. It's a very easy to understand contest.
RULES
The rules were easy to understand.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. Good use of WDC ML and graphics. The contest appears very active and engages the community. Good luck in the contest.
Hello, I'm StephBee and I am reviewing your story for Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox.Thanks for entering.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Humma tells the tale of how a tribe of Indians walked into the water to die than be overtaken.
WHAT I LIKED
While a sad story, I like tales that talk about the Native American Indians. They have a rich culture and it's important to share it.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Humma. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's no dialogue and the story reads more like a journal or diary entry.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. I could picture the setting in my mind's eye.
SETTING
TIME: 1800's?
PLACE: urban setting?
This is something that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader. You might want to put the date and place at the top of the story to set it for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Humma
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He wants to tell his tribe's story.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader with good character voice. I think this story would work real well for young adults, preteens, early teens because it very engaging, and it's a learning experience. There's a bit of an info dump, but it works if you keep the target audience in mind. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
Hello, I'm StephBee and I am reviewing your story for Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox.. Thanks for entering.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Vlad impales his enemies.
WHAT I LIKED
The story has a good historical arc as it takes a look at the real life of Vlad Dracula.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by an unnamed soldier. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. I could picture the story in my mind.
SETTING
TIME: 1450's ish (but I know this from being a Dracula junkie)
PLACE: rural setting?
This is something that could be clarified for the reader. I would put 1456, Wallachia at the top of the story to place the setting for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Unnamed Soldier
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He is naturally repulsed by Dracula's method of torture.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Good job "showing" the story. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
The Princess engages in a fatal relationship with Daemeon.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the dark, gothic ambience the story captured.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Daemeon. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue accents the narration.
DESCRIPTIONS
This is something that could be expanded on in places. I liked the individual descriptions, but I would have liked more on the castle and how Daemon breached it.
SETTING
TIME: historical?
PLACE: rural setting?
This is something that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader. The story felt historical to me, but I couldn't place it. You could put
"England 988" at the top (for example) to help frame the setting in the reader's mind.
CHARACTERS
Daemon
I didn't quite understand his motivations. I'm assuming his lover was a vampire and that's why he killed her? If anything, I might suggest defining his motives for the reader.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening intrigues the reader. If anything, on WDC I might suggest spacing between paragraphs because it's easier on the reader's eyes.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Mya's guardian angel is her lover and on a hot summer night offers to cool her down.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the creativity in the story. It captured a lot of romantic elements as well.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Mya. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward well.
DESCRIPTIONS
The author uses a good economy of words to paint the descriptions. I especially liked "He smelled like a waterfall in a forest or a mid-afternoon rain shower and that very elemental scent of his had a reviving effect on me."
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: a bedroom/the clouds
This is something that could be clarified just a wee bit more for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Mya
There's enough here to understand her motivations. She loves Percy.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Good character voice.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Isabella tells the story of how she became a vampire.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked how the relationship grew slowly over time.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Isabella. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's not much dialogue. If anything, the story reads more like a diary entry and perhaps you might want to do an edit to reflect that? I liked the plot very much, but the story is very "telling" as opposed to "showing." I'd love to see a scene where Nickolas and Isabella share a first kiss or talk and get to know each other. Those are the type of scenes readers enjoy.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. You might want to touch on the 5 senses. What does Nickolas smell like? Woodsy? Spicy? Citrus? When you use the senses, it helps to further engage and hold the reader.
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting?
This is something that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader. You could easy say something like,
"France
2010" at the beginning of the story to frame the setting for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Isabella
There's enough here to understand her motivations. She is in love with Nickolas.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening catches the reader's attention. Good first person voice.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Arianna prepares for the last day of her life.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked that this was a very delibrate choice for her and she knew what she was getting into.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person mainly from Arianna's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Kristopher," she said, raising her hand up to gently caress his face.
MY SUGGESTION: She raised her hand up to gently carress his face. "Kristopher, you had everything and nothing to do with my decision."
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. I especially liked "She let herself cry for a few minutes, hugging her knees to her chest." It evokes emotion as well as paint a picture.
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting?
This is something that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Arianna
There's enough here to understand her motivations. She is in love with Kristopher.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctution mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening intrigues the reader. Very nice visuals using a good economy of words.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
In a world of monsters, a human is accused of a crime.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked how the story put monster telling on "it's head" so speak. Good creativity.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told using an omniscient POV in the third person. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately. I would caution for the present tense and I might suggest you do an edit to make the tense consistent.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Why did you do that?" the one asks, as he turns to the other.
MY SUGGESTION: One man turned to face the other. "Why did you do that?"
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on.
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting?
This is something that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
James
I was curious to know how James came to be living in the land of monsters.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctution mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening catches the reader's attention but the ending is a little confusing as who was who and who did what. An original read with a nice twist on the monster world.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Suzy and the narrator are childhood sweethearts with a secret.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the opening. Good character voice.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by an unnamed narrator. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "What was that!" Suzy screamed, jumping up and pulling her blouse closed.
MY SUGGESTION: Suzy jumped up and pulled her on her blouse. "What was that?"
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. Use the five senses. Taste and smell would work nicely in this story.
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting?
This is something that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader. Something like, Everyday New York, 2010 in the beginning of the story.
CHARACTERS
The narrator
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He loves Suzy
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. I would have you give the unknown narrator a name. You can put it in dialogue as Suzy addresses him. I also think you can rework the ending to really hit home by taking out the surprise of it. Have them both know they are vampires and I think it will work better. The opening engages the reader. Write on!
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Rosa is a beauty on the outside, a beast on the inside.
WHAT I LIKED
Good ending. It was a surprise. Well done.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person ominiscient. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. Good job with dialogue tags. The dialogue moves the story forward.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. You don't need a lot. Use the five senses and a couple of stragetically placed sentences and you'll round out the story.
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting?
This is something that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Rosa
There's enough here to understand her motivations. She trolled the nights looking for prey, and then discovers she's been stalked herself.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestion as mentioned above. The story moves well, the opening is a little slow and a little descriptive. I might start with Rosa in motion, on the 4th paragraph. The rest you can work into the narrative of the story.
Hello, I'm StephBee and I am reviewing your story for Show Your Best at the Sandbox. Thanks for entering.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
A young man meets a young lady on an island and falls in love, but their love on Earth wasn't meant to be.
WHAT I LIKED
Ah, love's foolish mistakes. It's a theme I think we can relate to. "The one we let go and should have held onto."
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person omniscient. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's not much dialogue and when there is it is included in the body of the paragraph around it. I would make the dialogue a seperate paragraph.
Remember dialogue lends itself to showing. You want to strive for a 50/50 balance between dialogue and narration. When narration is the better part of the story, it's usually "telling," and most professional editors would counsel against that technique.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the immediate scene and the flashback in the reader's eye.
SETTING
TIME: modern
PLACE: urban
This is something that is not clarified for the reader. You can always add something like
Los Angeles
2010
(for example)
at the beginning of the piece to "set" the setting in the reader's mind.
CHARACTERS
unnamed man
Always try to fit the name of your main character into the story if you can. There's enough to understand his motivations and his regrets.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned before. Remember watch out for "telling." You want to show a story as opposed to telling it. The beginning engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
Hello, I'm StephBee and I am reviewing your story for the Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox Contest.Thanks for entering.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Osper goes to pay homage for his first kill and Stealth joins him.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the ending. All that for a ............!!
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person using Osper's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "What now?" the thief asked, as he picked himself up.
MY SUGGESTION: The thief picked himself up and dusted off his pants. "What now?"
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but I might suggest using just a little bit more. Trying using the five senses to help describe the mountain.
SETTING
TIME: historical?
PLACE: mountain side.
I might suggest clarifing this a little bit more for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Osper
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He has to pay homage for his first kill.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest an edit for punctuation. Spell out the work "okay" in manuscript writing. Don't use OK. That's fine for journalistic endeavors, but spell it out in stories.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader and keeps them reading. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
Hello, I'm StephBee and I am reviewing your story for Show Off Your Best at the Sandbox. Thanks for entering.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Abella marries an handsome man, but there is no beauty within so she leaves, only to find a man who has a kind heart, but lacking in looks.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought this was a nice spin on the Beauty and Beast fairytale. Nice character introspection about what is beauty.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited by Abella. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.
DESCRIPTIONS
The author uses a good economy of words to paint a picture. I especially liked: "She was a whole night's run ahead of him, him with his wide open smile and tight heavy fists and his deep panting breath reeking of rum."
SETTING
TIME: historical day?
PLACE: rural setting?
This is something that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Abella
There's enough here to understand her motivations. She runs away from her husband, looking for something better.
MECHANICS
I spotted one spelling mistake "too" for "two." I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening gets the reader's attention. Why is Abella running away? Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
Hello, I'm StephBee and I am reviewing your blog for Bard's Hall Contest. Thanks for entering.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE BLOG
The blog focuses on writing.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the poems. They were very engaging. I liked the one dedicated to National Candy Month. Cute.
CONTENT
The content isn't overwhelming or wordy. In fact the author uses a good economy of words to get their point across, focusing on writing.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes, but very easy going when it comes to blogs. I don't expect perfect.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Good use of WDC ML. Perhaps you could find a graphic to use a theme setter (A woman holding a feather pen or a scroll of poetry). An inspirational blog about writing! Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Alexandra and John embark on a love affair before he goes off to war.
WHAT I LIKED
I thought this told the story well and in a realistic manner.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person omniscient. The POV switches within scenes. This is known as a "Lonesome Dove" perspective after the famous novel. Most editors discourage this type of point of view because it can confuse the reader. The romance genre seems almost forgiving of it. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on.
SETTING
TIME: late 1930's
PLACE: England
This was clarified enough for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Alexandra
There's enough here to understand his motivations. She gives into her love for John and hopes for the best throughout the war.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. There's a sentence that starts with "i" not "I", for example.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening uses a lot of description and doesn't really catch the reader's attention well. I might start with the second paragraph and then weave in the descriptions after that. I would use "England, 1939" as "header" before the story starts to set it in the reader's mind.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
To prove her love for Pelo, Pooca takes a long trip for her tribe to San Fransisco.
WHAT I LIKED
The story was full of adventure. I was on the edge of my seat waiting to see what would happen next to Pooca.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Pooca. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Is this what you're taking?" Rorke said as he and Tau grabbed the trunk and sack that were obvious baggage.
MY SUGGESTION: Tau and Rorke grabbed the trunk and sack. Rorke looked up. "Is this what you're taking?"
DESCRIPTIONS
The descriptions really help to set the scene. If anything, I thought the beginning was overly descriptive and it slowed the start of the story down a bit. I might suggest opening with Pooca, Rorke, and Tau actively packing for her trip and get to the back story in a later scene.
SETTING
TIME: 1840's
PLACE: far away land/San Francisco
I wasn't quite sure where Pooca was coming from. The Pacific Northwest? Alaska? Hawaii?
CHARACTERS
Pooca
There's enough here to understand her motivations. To prove her love to Pelo's parents, she sets out on an adventure.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. I liked the end. It offered hope.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
A woman meets a man who feels very familiar to her.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked how it told a story in a vingette.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by an unnamed narrator. (Who I should assume is Bonita from the title?) Good job with narration. Present tense is used which can be disconcerting for many readers. I might suggest using past tense. Example: as written, "The air, of all the things around me, feels real-" I would change feels to felt.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue accents the narration.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. Is this on the Mexican coast? The California or Texas coast? What year?
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting?
This is something that that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Unnamed Narrator
There's enough here to understand her motivations. She visits a small fishing bay.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. The ending leaves them curious.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Laura falls in love with a cowboy named Mark.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the ending and how Laura, at the end, saw what was staring her in the face regarding Jake.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Laura. Line breaks are used appropriately. Good job with narration. If anything, I would identify Laura within the context of dialogue and not in the opening paragraph. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a minimal amount of dialogue. Dialogue helps to "show" a story, and I would suggest incorporating more of it into the story.
Don't put dialogue within the context of a paragraph, make a seperate paragraph for it.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. Use the five senses. You can draw on taste and smell within the context of the story.
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: rural setting?
This is something that that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Laura
There's enough here to understand her motivations. She gives her heart over to passionate love.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. You use exclaimation points a lot which makes the story feel a little melodramaic.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening is very descriptive and doesn't engage the reader like it should. I might suggest reworking it so Laura meets Mark at the cafe and let the descriptions come a little later on in the story.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines. It is not personal or an attack on the writer.
THE STORY
A lover loses his beloved to winter.
WHAT I LIKED
I think the tragedy of finding love and losing it is very relatable. The story was very Romeo and Juliet-esque.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the second person. Second person tense is very confusing for a reader. I would suggest using a first person narrative to draw on the raw emotions of tragedy. Past tense was used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There is no dialogue. Dialogue helps a writer to "show" a story as opposed to "telling" it. Perhaps writing a vignette of the concert or of the accident would help to show more than telling.
DESCRIPTIONS
This is something that could be expanded on. Touch upon the five senses to include smell and taste.
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting?
This is something that that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Unclear because of the 2nd person narration.
MECHANICS
I might suggest an edit for punctuation/spelling. For example youre beautiful should be "You're beautiful." i should be captialized when refering to oneself. After "i am truly lost" there should be a period.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening is telling the reader what's going on, not showing, and doesn't engage the reader. If you edit the piece, let me know and I'll rate you higher.
Hello, I'm StephBee and I am reviewing your entry for the Best of the Rest Contest. Thanks for entering.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE CAMPFIRE
The campfire tells the story of a young couple fighting for their love.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked that the campfire appeared very active. Every entry was easy to read and follow along.
CONTENT
There are several entries. If anything, I would have liked to have had more of an introduction. Use the intro to set the scene of the story, introduce the characters and give a potential reader a feel of what to expect from the campfire.
MECHANICS
I might suggest minor edits for spelling and punctuation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestion mentioned above. I might suggest using a graphic to help as a visual reference and set a tone for your contest as well as WDC ML. Good luck in the Best of the Rest Contest.
Hello, I'm StephBee and I am reviewing your story for Best of the Rest Thanks for entering.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE CAMPFIRE
This is a campfire about hunting vampires in Romania.
WHAT I LIKED
It appeared to have been very active. Additions were small and easy to read and follow.
CONTENT
There are a lot of additions.
MECHANICS
I might a minor edit for spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I might suggest using some WDC ML or a graphic in the introduction to frame the campfire or set a tone/mood. Overall, good participation in the campfire. Good luck in the Best of the Rest contest.
Hello, I'm StephBee and I am reviewing your story for The Bard's Hall. Thanks for entering.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Reni works in an office and doesn't Raj for the great guy he is until it might be too late.
WHAT I LIKED
The story hit on a theme that I think you see a lot in the modern day - sometimes you just don't know what you have until it's gone.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person by Reni. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Do you live alone?" Reni asked castng a curious look at the two bedrooms.
MY SUGGESTION: Reni wondered if he had a wife tucked away somewhere. She cast a curious eyebrow at the two bedrooms. "Do you live alone."
DESCRIPTIONS
I loved the descriptions. The author used a good economy of words to paint vivid pictures. Well done. I especially liked "Lilac white curtains" and "a half smile playing on his face."
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting?
This is something that that is not defined but could be clarified for the reader. It might help to just identify the town and year at the start of the story to set it in the reader's mind.
CHARACTERS
Reni
There's enough here to understand her motivations. Once she learns that Raj is taking the attention she's giving Dev in a negative way does she examine her feelings.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. For example as written: "Hi! Seems you had no trouble finding my house." Said Raj. (who I think should be Dev based on the context of the text around it)
My suggestion: "Hi! Seems you had no trouble finding my house," said Dev.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening caught the reader's attention. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE CHAPTER
June talks Crystal into going to "The Place des Negres." It's not for the faint of heart, as it shows a darker side of life.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked how the mystery man saved Crystal. It's a good meeting and sets the tone for the upcoming romance.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited by Crystal. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. Try not to put action in the dialogue tags. Use only "he said," "she replied" "she asked" to identify the speaker only. For example, as written: "I nearly did," Crystal said, glancing at the Negro.
I might suggestion: Crystal glanced at the Negro. "I nearly did."
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. You might want to touch on scent and smells. What did the place of des Negres smell like? The stranger that saved Crystal - what did he smell like? They would really amp up your descriptions. Tap into the five senses when you need to describe something.
SETTING
TIME: New Orleans
PLACE: 1846
This is something that is clarified for the reader. Well done. I like how you framed that at the beginning of the chapter. I could reference the time period in my mind without having to guess.
CHARACTERS
Crystal
There's enough here to understand her motivations. She goes with June because June is her friend, but common sense talks her into leaving.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. The pace/flow of the chapter moves well.
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My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
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