My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
A celebrity and a hard working doctor fall in love during their time in Haiti.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the modern take on the story. Haiti was a unique place for the setting.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited from Sam (Samantha's) perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. You could tap into the five senses. What does Haiti smell like? Does Jack have a scent that attracks Sam?
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: Haiti
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Samantha
There's enough here to understand her motivations.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening interests the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Val finds herself transported to the land of Vikings and realizes that Erik is the one for her.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved how the author's sense of humor shined in the story. It engages the reader from the first sentence!
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person by Val. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I suppose I'm being picky here, but you tap into the five senses using carefully placed sentences to heighten the description.
SETTING
TIME: modern day/approx. 900 AD Vikingland
PLACE: city/rural Viking land
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Val
There's enough here to understand her motivations. Who'd you rather have? Harold Kravitz or Erik the Viking?
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctutation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. The story flows well. Great active voice!
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Adhamh was married to Selkie but she dies. He finds another but confuses her with his previous wife.
WHAT I LIKED
I enjoyed the setting. I could easily picture the story playing out.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited by Adamh. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest using the five sense to heighten the description. What does Bradana smell like? Sea salt? Or a flowery scent. Does this attract Adamh?
What I liked is the emotional description. "Fear leapt in her throat." Not only is this sentence active, but it "nails" the emotion for the reader perfectly. I'd like to see more of it.
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: Ireland, Castle Bharraich
This is something that could be clarified a little better for the reader, specifically, the time period.
CHARACTERS
Adhamh
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He seeks to find his wife.
MECHANICS
I might suggest a minor edit for spelling mistakes. I did not spot any pucntuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening is interesting, but I would suggest going a step further and the reader in the heart of the action. Put Adhamh in the fight. Make it heart pounding.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Duncan is a ranger at the Glenbogle Wildlife Centre where he meets a nice young lady, Rosie.
WHAT I LIKED
Good voice. The voice helps to keep the reader reading.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited by Duncan. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Do ye think we'll be ready fer tomorrow?" Duncan asked, his smudged knees showing from beneath his kilt.
MY SUGGESTION: Duncan glanced at the smudged knees under his kilt. "Do ye think we'll be ready fer tomorrow?"
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest using the five senses. The story is set in a wildlife centre so tap into the earth scents of the forest.
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: Scottish wildlife centre
This is something that could be clarified a little better for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Duncan
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He's interested in Rosie but she might be "the enemy's" sister.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening is a little telling as opposed to showing. It is a bit of an info dump. The info can be weaved in the narrative a little later. I might suggest starting with the paragraph "It was early spring" and put the reader in the "action"
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Blair sneaks out of her house in the hopes of finding a date for the Valentine's dance.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the twist on the Romeo & Juliet story.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited by Blair. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward well.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest using the five scenes to build on your scenes and setting.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting
This is something that is clarified enough for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Blair
There's enough here to understand her motivations. She wants to ask Luke to the dance so she climbs out the window. And gets in trouble...
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Kate was born on Valentine's Day, but love is something that kinda whizzes past her until...
WHAT I LIKED
The author did a great job establishing character voice. Well done! The story was very engaging.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Kate. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward well.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might encourage taping into the five senses. I like the visual use of the avocadoes, but what do they smell like? And what does that smell remind Kate of?
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Kate
There's enough here to understand her motivations. She doesn't see what's right in front of her.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader immediately. Thumbs up for a nice story!
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Noah is haunted by a night while he was on a mission that ended badly.
WHAT I LIKED
Nice high drama. A very engaging story.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited from Noah's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might try tapping into the five senses. Put the reader in the spot Noah is in.
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting?
This is something that could be clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Noah
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He's haunted by the trama of war.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. Actually, there was one spelling mistakes (I do it often myself!) jealously for jealousy.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Set in the future, True Keller is a grizzled old gunny sergent in the USMC with a mission to keep his troops safe.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the imagination used in the story. It's not easy to imagine a futuristic world. The author did a great job.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person using an omniscient narrator. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I would like to see more of the five senses used. What does the starship smell like. Put the reader in the ship with gunny.
SETTING
TIME: futuristic
PLACE: spaceship
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
gunny
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He's grizzled, but he's seen a lot of hardship.
MECHANICS
I might suggest a minor edit for spelling mistakes. I might suggest an edit for punctuation. Place punctuation in the quotations mark.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening is interesting, but contains passive voice which can easily be made active. For example, passive voice, as written:
Gunny Sargeant True Keller was trying to shovel down his morning chow when he heard his name and the demand that he go directly to the operations center over the starships intercom.
My suggestion: Gunny Sergeant True Keller shoveled down his chow. It was the same every morning rotation on this rat infested starship. Sleep, eat, fight.
"Gunny Sergeant Keller to the operations center!"
Gunny frowned, shoving two fork-fill helpings of reconstituted eggs smothered in ketchup. The eggs didn't get any better than that.
The Quill Awards nominate and recogize those items around Writing.com that are outstanding.
WHAT I LIKED
I love the whole idea of the Quill Awards. It's nice to see those who put so much effort into writing.com be recoginzied.
RULES/CONTENT
Are easy to understand. It's easy to nominate an item in the quill awards.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/puncuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. There's a raffle to help support the awards. The winners will be announced in March. I'm very excited about the Quill Awards. Well done!
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Gavin is a traveler who meets a mother and daughter who live in the hills away from civilization and falls for Samantha, but the place harbors secrets that might destory their romance.
WHAT I LIKED
The story built suspense nicely.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person omniscient. If anything, I might recommend establishing a narrator and telling the story from their perspective. The story attendant? A neighbor? Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "No, not at all" she approached him and noticed his sweaty shirt. "perhaps we should open a window in your room?" She suggested.
MY SUGGESTION: She approached Gavin, noticing his sweaty shirt. "No, not at all. Perhaps we should open a window in your room?"
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might focus on the sense of smell to paint more descriptions.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: school
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Gavin and Samantha
There's enough here to understand their motivations and growing attraction.
MECHANICS
I would suggest an edit for spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening okay is mainly description. While it doesn't linger, try to open with action and not description. It grabs the reader's attention more easily.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Tom and Sarah have known each other since they were children and want to explore a more romantic relationship as teenagers.
WHAT I LIKED
I'm a sucker for childhood sweetheart stories. This warmed my heart.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person by an unnamed narrator. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Yeah, a date," he replied as he folded his arms across his chest.
MY SUGGESTION: He folded his arms across his chest. "Yeah, a date."
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. What does the teenage Sarah look like? Tom? Do they have any distictive smell that attracts the other? How do they touch each other? Gently?
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: school
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Tom and Sarah
There's enough here to understand their motivations and growing attraction.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. I would spell out OK (okay.) OK is okay in journalistic writing, but in manuscript writing most professional editors what to see OK spelled out.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening okay, and will draw the reader in, but if you want to make it really engaging, try establishing a more definative narrator voice. Perhaps the narrator is a neighbor looking through her window each day to get a glance at Sarah and Tom and comes to tell their story through that perspective.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Tom runs a Pharmacy, but his life has been like going through the motions since his wife, Julie died.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the message how the ending brought it together.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person from Tom's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Morning Bonnie. Here for the blood pumpers, I take it?" he said with a grin, referring as she did to the blood pressure medicine she'd come in for.
MY SUGGESTION: "Morning Bonnie. Here for the blood pumpers, I take it?" Tom grinned, recalling how she referred to her blood pressure medication.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I think you could use one smell like roses for example, that remind Tom of Julie and weave that into the story.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: Pharmacy in a small town
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Tom
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He's missing the little things about his wife.
MECHANICS
I might suggest an edit for punctuation and spelling.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening works for the story, as it shows "the little things." A very heartwarming ending.
Hello, I'm StephBee and I am reviewing your story for Show Off Your Best. Thanks for entering.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Julie can leave anytime - she just has to eat an apple.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked how horror can be found in simple things, in this case, an apple. That's the best kind of horror.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person mainly from Julie's perspetive. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward. Watch out for dialogue tags and put the action in a seperate sentence. Tags should be "she said," or "he replied" only.
I might suggest: "Have an apple." The gentleman placed a large fresh fruit on a simple wooden table that was warped and cracked with age.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. You don't need much, just a stragetically placed sentence or two that touch on the senses. You could use smell and be very effective.
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban?
This is something that is not clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Julie
There's enough here to understand her motivations. She's hestiant to eat an apple.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening piques the reader's interest. If anything, the end fails to carry across the implied horror. I thought Julie might get sick or transform into a beast or die, but that didn't happen. She took the apples home to her husband and seemed fine. That said, I would tighten the ending to follow through on the promised horror element. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
Hello, I'm StephBee and I am reviewing your story for Show Off Your Best. Thanks for entering.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Tony recounts the Valentine's massacre of 1929.
WHAT I LIKED
I enjoyed the author's use of voice in dialogue. It captured the authencity of the time period.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person mainly from Tony's perspetive. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. You don't need much, just a stragetically placed sentence or two that touch on the senses. You could use smell and be very effective.
SETTING
TIME: 1929
PLACE: a mental hosptial
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Tony
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He wants to tell his story to deter others.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. If anything, watch out for run on sentences. I saw a couple of them. For example, as written: "He was a careful and greedy man, though in his ambition to rule over Chicago completely he enlisted the help of a foreigner.
My suggestion: He was a careful and greedy man. His ambition to rule over Chicago was a fever within him, and to accomplish that, he hired a foreigner.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening piques the reader's interest. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
Hello, I'm StephBee and I am reviewing your story for Show Off Your Best. Thanks for entering.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
James's wind chimes drives his lover to her death.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the complex horror in the simple wind chimes. Well done.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person mainly from James's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. You don't need much, just a stragetically placed sentence or two that touch on the senses. You could use smell and be very effective. Did the wind chimes smell? What Martha's grave?
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: the sea coast.
This is something that could be clarified a little better for the reader. I might suggest something like, Rhode Island, present day in the beginning to place the setting in the reader's mind.
CHARACTERS
James
There's enough here to understand his motivations. The wind chimes mean more to him than Martha.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The author did a good job making wind chimes very creepy. I was totally creeped out. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
A man leaves his wife as he goes to war
WHAT I LIKED
I loved how the story captured emotion using a good economy of words. Well done.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by an unnamed male soldier . Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's no dialogue, but the story is short enough and the author uses a good character voice so it doesn't really require dialogue.
DESCRIPTIONS
I wanted just a little more. Was this an airport? train station? What did she smell like? Is it a smell he's taking with him in a handkerchief for example?
SETTING
TIME: ?
PLACE: ?
This is something that is not clarified for the reader. Cement the setting for me. This is World War II? Iraq? Vietnam?
CHARACTERS
Unnamed Soldier
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He's upset because he has to leave his wife.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Good emotional read!
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
A man enters the war against his wife's wishes.
WHAT I LIKED
This was a 300 word flash fiction and those are never easy. That said, I LOVED how the story conveyed emotion, tapping into the heartstrings with a limited amount of words. Well done!
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited mainly from Mary's perspective . Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "I joined," he mumbled, holding up the small declaration.
MY SUGGESTION: He held up the small declaration. "I joined."
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scene.
SETTING
TIME: Civil War
PLACE: USA
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Mary
There's enough here to understand her motivations. She doesn't want to lose her husband to the war.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. The author does a lot using a good economy of words!
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Tony has trouble tolerating touch, but allows Hayley into his world. Then he goes off to war.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the plot. Good voice.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited mainly from Tony's perspective . Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's no dialogue. Dialogue helps an author to "show" scenes and I would recommend incorporting more so as to show the story, not tell it
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this could be expanded on. I might suggest using the senses to draw the reader into the story. How did Hayley smell to him? How gentle was her touch that he allowed it?
SETTING
TIME: World War II
PLACE: ?
This is something that could be clarified for the reader. I didn't get a good sense of the story. I'm assuming world war II, but I couldn't help but wonder if it is Iraq II.
CHARACTERS
Tony
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He's apprehensive because of being heptophobiac.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes. The sentence that reads: "War declared had changed all that though," sounds choppy to me and I might suggest an edit to smooth it out.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening piques the reader's interest.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
A woman likes to take walks in the park during the Nazi occupation of The Netherlands.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the plot. It captured the danger and hightened emotions of the war.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited mainly from Jessia's perspective . Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "I won't let you murder me easily," she shouted turning back toward the soldiers making them face her.
MY SUGGESTION: She turned toward the soldiers, her shoulders set, her resolve firm. "I won't let you murder me easily."
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes.
SETTING
TIME: World War II
PLACE: Rotterdam
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Jessica
There's enough here to understand her motivations. She's lost her husband and now all that matters is helping the war effort.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. I loved the orginally and setting used for the story. Well done!
Hello, I'm StephBee and I am reviewing your story for The Bard's Hall Contest. Thanks for entering.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Sage plays a game a summer camp that leds to danger.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the plot of the story. There was suspense and a sense of the unexpected.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person mainly from Sage's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately most of the time, but I would do a minor edit and catch those couple of slips to the present tense.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "Is there anybody else?" Sage asked, rubbing the sore spot on the back of his head.
MY SUGGESTION: Sage rubbed the sore spot on the back of his head. "Is there anybody else?"
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes. If you wanted to expand on them a little, I might suggest weaving the five scenes throughout the story.
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: summer camp
This is something that is defined but not clarified for the reader. I might suggest putting the year at the top of the story to set it in the reader's mind.
CHARACTERS
Sage
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He goes looking for the friend who helped him.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctutation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
Hello, I'm StephBee and I am reviewing your story for The Bard's Hall Contest. Thanks for entering.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Jim is looking for a pumpkin theif
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the twist at the end. It really brought out the supernatural elements of the story.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by Jim. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but I would suggest using a couple of well placed sentences to nail the descriptions in the reader's mind. For example, i would touch on the scent of smell and really put the reader on the trail with Jim.
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: rural/
This is something that is defined but not clarified for the reader. I might suggest putting the year and name of the town at the beginning of the story to help the place the setting for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Jim
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He's looking for something.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes, but I might suggest a minor edit for punctutation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. I might also skip lines between paragraphs here on WDC to make it easier on the reader's eyes. The opening intrigues the reader. Word count was listed in accordance with the rules. Good luck in the contest.
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My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
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