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1
1
Review of When One Goes  
Review by Shaziane
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi!
Last stanza, second line - "there" should be "they're". And I liked it.

Thanks for sharing.

(P.S.
This isn't a review. I'm just browsing.)
2
2
Review by Shaziane
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
trio in the rain SAJ signature


Hi Mehve Rider ,



The Plot
:



What can be changed:
Title: Uneasieness should be Uneasiness

I understand that you are trying to build suspense, and that is commendable but the unexplained mention of Rako in the first paragraph is simply confusing.

There are several grammatical errors. Please reread.

Elkron's hunger rant is where I became interested. From this point on your writing was more engaging, and your descriptions of where the characters were headed and were they were didn't leave me feeling confused. Additionally the first part feels very much like cliched tv. The remainder feels as though you understand and know, for the most part, what you are writing about.

My Likes:

Elk put a hand to his heart. “I am deeply offended Ánra. For your information, I too was up, laboring over this wondrous bow of mine, my partner in thought and soul, the epitome of my talents here.”

This is precisely where you got me interested.


Keep writing you've got something here.


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Review of Arrival of Autumn  
Review by Shaziane
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Mina~ !

The meaning behind your poem is lovely. I noticed that you aren't a native English speaker, but I am really happy that you decided to write in English. I hope you continue to share your poems, and continue to learn English. You have already accomplished a lot by being able to write poetry which is more than words but also emotional thought.

My Likes:
The concept of the poem is pleasing. I especially like that you write about Summer in the active voice, making him a doer. The aabb rhyme scheme is also welcomed.

I like the imagery created by the phrase "Rafts of white clouds" .

Changes which can be made:

I have copied you poem below and made a few changes.

White petals flitter down
Like butterflies landing on the ground
The grass has touches of brown
And the dry leaves are floating all around


Summer has gone, the birds are quieter too
The sun shines bright and the air feels new
Rafts of white clouds are floating in the sky
With them my mind wants to fly high

When the dusk sky turns shades and hues
My heart says I miss you
The beauty of autumn is everywhere

To have this lively rhythm is just being there



Flitter is a word which is used a lot in relation to butterflies. Because you are comparing petals to butterflies, it would be okay to use it here. Also it makes the line flow a little better.

The changes in line 3 and 4 were made because there was a break in the connection between lines 1 and 2, and lines 3 and 4.

In line 5 the is added because you are referring to the birds in that place. When you speak or write about a specific thing or things 'the' should be used.

Line 7 was also edited for grammatical reasons.

shades and hues can be changed too something more specific. Shade refers to darker colours (all colours). So there are different shades of green, and purple, and so on. Hue refers to the quality of a colour which makes it the colour that it is, and this also refers to all colours.

You could use "shades of [the name of a colour].

The last line needs to be adjusted as well, but I don't fully understand it, so I can't write anything about it.

Feel free to ask questions about anything that is unclear.


Write On!



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4
4
Review of Super Mom  
Review by Shaziane
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi nealdavid !

I'm Shaziane


What can be changed:

You can merge these sentences with a comma if you remove the period.
Then when no one else is around to play with you become a sports expert with knowledge in everything from softball to marbles. With a little helpful knowledge of skateboards and bikes thrown in for good measure.

In the fourth paragraph, third sentence his should be he:

Dad is there and helps when his is home.

My Likes:

The piece flowed nicely. A true testimony to mothers and the way we see them.

Just remember mom that even in the smallest and youngest of minds they are plotting new problems and questions for you to attempt to solve to their satisfaction at first morning’s light. For you are mom! *Bigsmile*

Write On!


P.S. - I just saw this in my review box and realized I didn't send it out before. Please forgive my lateness.
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5
5
Review by Shaziane
Rated: E | (3.5)
trio in the rain SAJ signature


Hi Bonnie ,

This is a Showering Acts of Joy Review. *Smile*

The Plot
:

Tim finds himself in need of a stray cat's safety to ensure his own.

What can be changed:

I find this quote, specifically the last sentence, to be a bit confusing.

"I'm not asking you to look after her, just let her out if you see her pawing at any door. Wait by the door until she comes back. She is just a bit timid just now and likes to look back at me standing at the door."

He had to speak out here, nothing or no-one could replace or take away that bond been human and master.

When does Tim turn to Jules? It is made clear in the second paragraph that he does several actions with his back turned to her. It is not noted where he turns to her to be able to tell her posture and what she is carrying in paragraph eight. Please be aware that I am assuming that the story is being told by Tom in the third-person since it is only his perspective which is made available to us.

Is it deliberate that the dialogue bits below don't make use of punctuation marks?

"Replace Tiger—no cat ever could" - p7

"Either way, see that she gets out—or you can do the grocery shopping" - p9


The exclamation at the end of the first sentence in paragraph thirteen seems useless as the same information and emotion is conveyed without it.

The first sentence of paragraph sixteen can be split into three sentences, the second 'they' should be 'we', and a bit more punctuation could be added to the second sentence also:

Jules insisted that they keep her. The night she brought her home he could see that she already had the bond. Her reasoning for this— we were talking about getting you another cat anyway. They had been. Yes, he had to admit that, but somewhere off the in future not now and he imagined getting a rescue pet, not rescuing one.

Three-quarters of the story is in bold. This is a tad distracting especially since it occurs in the middle of a sentence.

Paragraph twenty repeats bits from earlier paragraphs but they do not draw the reader in any further. It is suggested that more detail be given about the cat without repeating unless it adds to the story. The 'but' should be an 'and'.

You can omit the 'n' from 'Northeastner' in paragraph twenty-four. The second sentence in paragraph twenty-six can be omitted.

At this point in the story inserting a description of the type of husband Tim thinks he is subtracts form the rescuing of Sparkle. You may consider describing how the weather was affecting the rescue of the cat. The description of the tree could be tightened so that less words are used while still delivering the importance of it. Suspense is useful but unnecessary information takes away from the suspense and breaks the flow of your story.

Be sure to re-read the story there are a few typographical and minor grammatical errors.

My Likes:

Paragraph twenty-four does a good job of distracting the reader from the cat, and its possible predicament.

The story kept my interest until the end. It was different. (I don't usually read pieces about pets, or animals in general.) The very end shocked me. I enjoyed that...a lot. :)


You tightened the reigns on your writing towards the end of the story. Keep practicing, and keep writing.


Write On!

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Review by Shaziane
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
trio in the rain SAJ signature


Hi Michaelmountain:spring hope ,

This is a Showering Acts of Joy Review. *Smile*

The Focus
:

A realistic view of submarine warfare during World War II

What can be changed:

The essay would have brought across the point of the hazardous conditions even better if other works on the matter were included, cited, along with quotes from experts or participants in the matter. Also, the inclusion of the above mentioned would also add a splash of credibility

My Likes:

I found the essay very enlightening. I have never thought about WWII to the extent to which you have described. Thank you.

Write On!
Shazi C


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Review of Damned Regret  
Review by Shaziane
Rated: | (3.5)
Hi Tim !


My Likes:

The abab rhyme scheme gives the piece a smooth flow.

In the line The pressure of my soul and shoes the use of 'soul' presents the double meaning and a sort of emphasis on the low feeling.

Changes which can be made:

In the first lines of the first and second verses and the last line of the fourth, the pronoun 'I' should be capitalized for grammatical purposes.

At some points the flow is broken by longer lines which subtract from the rhythm.

In the fourth verse,'underneath' could be replaced with 'beneath' which keeps the meaning but shortens the line while keeping it with the flow.

The word 'back' in the second line of the last verse has a very aggressive sound contrary to the pieces.

In the last line of the piece 'that's' can be omitted without harm and would adjust to the poem's established flow.


The honesty shown is appreciated. The experience we live through are meant to teach us lessons for the future. If there's a need, make amends with your past and move on. Make what lays before you something worth living for. Peace and blessings


Write On!



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8
8
Review by Shaziane
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Raindance SAJ Sig


Hi Nikola~Library Lady Wants Pony !



What can be changed:

Spot on.

My Likes:

Simple, to the point. A woman scorned isn't to be messed with. Once burned, always aware. I like the mentioning of stiletto heels and cowboy boots. It gives the feel of a fashion savvy woman who isn't afraid to get a little dirty, or very dirty. *Smile*

Revenge is so sweet, or so they say.

Thanks for sharing.

Write On!


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9
9
Review by Shaziane
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Raindance SAJ Sig


Hi Showering Dutchessbarbie. !



What can be changed:

There are two commas after Editing one of which should be omitted.

My Likes:

I absolutely love it. Every line has been experienced. The life of a writer who is content to share and enjoy others, to push and be pushed, while pushing. I've learned so much, grown so much on WDC, through WDC. *Smile*

Your words are my own.

Thank you for speaking, writing, that which we have all felt. *Smile*

Write On!


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10
10
Review of Luckiest Man  
Review by Shaziane
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi pewhackett1!


My Likes:

The words are true. The rhyme scheme is unfailing.

Changes which can be made:

Unfortunately...I feel no strong emotion in this. Yes, the words are there laid. But a part of you seems to be missing from the piece.

These are simply my thoughts discard what you may, use what you might.

Write On!



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11
11
Review by Shaziane
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Jack_of_All_Trades !

I'm Shaziane and I'll be reviewing your piece for this round of "Prodigy: Youth Writers' Competition [ASR].

The Prompt
:

"New Prompt"  : Write a Short Story, Essay or Poem it should reflect on the Beauty of Summer and/or Love.

You did a good job following the given prompt.


What I liked:

I enjoyed the transitions and the manner in which they were executed.

Your descriptions are captivating. This story highlights your storytelling ability. Your observation really pays off.

I would never have imagined reading a story of this sort, written so well that it would draw me into itself so easily, so entirely.

Changes which can be made:

The cookie crumbs calmly floating

The above phrase implies that the crumbs have control of how they float. I think that the manner in which they float depends on the state of the water. For that reason the above can be rephrased.

water stood

The position of the water in my estimation is in a horizontal position. 'Lay' can be used to replace 'stood'.

It is noted in the first paragraph that some ants take some time for leisure. To incorporate this in the last sentence the phrase 'and play' could be added.

Always remember to include the line or word count for your piece.

Thanks for entering "Prodigy: Youth Writers' Competition.


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Review by Shaziane
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi ponoichi !

I'm Shaziane and I'll be reviewing your piece for this round of "Prodigy: Youth Writers' Competition [ASR].

The Prompt
:

"New Prompt"  : Write a Short Story, Essay or Poem it should reflect on the Beauty of Summer and/or Love.

You did a good job following the given prompt.

What I liked:

It was very light and simple in sound and expression which lends to the way you portrayed summer. The upkeep of the aabb rhyme scheme also helped.

Changes which can be made:

Wonderful is misspelled in line two and eight. Another word can replace the second occurrence in line eight.

Though you've written in free form a little punctuation wound go a long way in directing the way in which it is to be read.

The pronoun 'I' should be capitalized at all times.

If you decide to use common letters, excluding proper nouns, stick with it. Since all of your line except one, I'd suggest you make it common.

Always remember to include the line or word count for your piece.

Thanks for entering "Prodigy: Youth Writers' Competition.


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Review of Mirror, Mirror  
Review by Shaziane
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Wilma Seke !

I'm Shaziane and I'll be reviewing your piece for this round of "Prodigy: Youth Writers' Competition [ASR].

The Prompt
:

"June Prompt"  : Nursery rhymes and fairy tales; we've grown up with them. Take a fairy tale or a nursery rhyme of your choice and write a story with that as your prompt.

You did a good job following the given prompt.


What I liked:

'Mirror! Mirror!' was a pleasure to read. The piece held my interest throughout. The plot was creative, and your writing has the tone of fairy tales, both draw the reader into the story.

The end of paragraph 14 seems to foreshadow the abortion of Durinda's baby. I love the twist. Nice red-herring. *Smile*

The last sentence spoken by the main character ends the piece perfectly.

So, mirror mirror on the wall...whose the fairest one of all?

Changes which can be made:

The corrections mentioned pertain to the structure and grammar.

Your use of words helps set the pace. Sometimes using less words is the key to maintain the reader's interest.

Do not repeat, unless it enhances the piece.

Punctuation is important: it helps the reader to better understand the piece/ what is being said. Its placement changes the way sentences are read, understood and also their meaning.

2nd paragraph - only to be left with nothing can be omitted without harming the piece.

3rd paragraph - The first 'a' should be omitted because it takes away from the piece. He is a nothing:

The second to last sentence would add more substance, if it were made the last sentence. Durinda, I forbid you to marry him!

5th paragraph - change 'as' to a comma (,( in the second sentence away could also be omitted. she soon began to see what a horrible mistake she had made as gradually her love faded away.

14th paragraph - (Typo) Omit the space between she and 'd.

16th paragraph - of this can be removed.an old face poked her head out of the door. sounds a bit odd and can be re-worded.

17th paragraph - for a second of the first sentence and the first word of the second and third sentences; But and And can also be omitted.

25th paragraph - In the last sentence intoshould be changed to in. Also tempting can be changed to begging for clarity. ...remained engraved into her mind, constantly whispering to her, tempting to be spoken

28th paragraph - In the last sentence, a comma(',') can be added for clarity. Hearing that something inside of Durinda snapped and she refused to take no for an answer.

29th paragraph - Since only one book was mentioned in the piece there is no need to repeat the book she had stolen. The last three words can be removed.

32nd paragraph - Here less words can be used to put over the emotional aspect more effectively. It's not for me it's for, just as she was saying that, and snatched them up can be removed.

33rd paragraph - In the first and fifth sentences just, who and as person can be removed without changing the meaning.

Also in the fifth sentence, as quickly as can be changed to quicker than. Both Narissa and Miriam had entered Durinda's life gradually while in their death it could be said that they were ripped away suddenly (without warning ans completely unlike their entrances).

Parts of the third and seventh sentences contradict each other. The third state with each curse...her emotions numb. while the fifth says that she was Forcing herself to be calm. When one's emotions becomes numb there is a calm.

35th paragraph - In the second sentence, read over this can be changed to re-read a. The latter flows more smoothly. Since the spell isn't specified at this stage the article a is more appropriate.

In the third sentence, that day is unnecessary and can be omitted.

42nd & 43rd paragraphs - The last sentence of the forty-third paragraph reads So, mirror mirror on the wall...whose the fairest one of all?" But it was never mentioned before that be put the mirror on the wall simply that be held it up to his face in the thirty-ninth paragraph.

I suggest that you continue the forty-second paragraph in this manner: But his words were drowned out by her hysterical cackle. He saw her face as thouigh through a this mist, as she propped the mirror on a wall.

whose should be who's, the contraction of who is.

Always remember to include the line or word count for your piece.

Thanks for entering "Prodigy: Youth Writers' Competition.


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Review of Dancing ants  
Review by Shaziane
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Gemma !

I'm Shaziane and I'll be reviewing your piece for this round of "Prodigy: Youth Writers' Competition [ASR].

The Prompt
:

"April Prompt"  : Your challenge is to write a limerick. It can be about anything you want.

You did a good job following the given prompt.

What I liked:

Your piece was rather amusing. I enjoyed the lightness.

Changes which can be made:

Quotation marks can be added at the beginning of the first line and at the end of the second as a way of highlighting the speaker's words.

Always remember to include the line or word count for your piece.

Thanks for entering "Prodigy: Youth Writers' Competition.


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15
Review by Shaziane
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi A. S. Brown !

I'm Shaziane and I'll be reviewing your piece for this round of "Prodigy: Youth Writers' Competition [ASR].

The Prompt
:

"April Prompt"  : Your challenge is to write a limerick. It can be about anything you want.

You did a good job following the given prompt.

What I liked:

The last line invited thoughts on freedom within captivity which can be seen in all areas of society. Without captivity there's no need to yearn for freedom. I am a captive, but my thoughts shall be free this day was a perfect end to the poem which was both thoughtful and lightly humorous.

Changes which can be made:

The usage of straight smack, though it is in keeping with the flow, causes a grammatical hiccup. One or both words can be replaced.

Always remember to include the line or word count for your piece.

Thanks for entering "Prodigy: Youth Writers' Competition.


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Review by Shaziane
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Ann Ticipation !


Overall Thoughts:

Thank you for sharing this prayer.

It has made me think of my flaws and how I should be: where I am and where I need to be.

Help me to accept life as it is not as I want it to be.

Thanks for your advice in prayer.

Merry Christmas & May Your 2010 Be Blessed!

Write On!

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17
17
Review of what poetry is  
Review by Shaziane
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi PoeticFox !

I'm Shaziane and I'll be reviewing your piece for this round of "Prodigy: Youth Writers' Competition [ASR].

The Prompt
:

Write something about your favourite thing to do.

You did a good job following the given prompt.

What I liked:

Your piece described poetry very well and did so in a poem.

Thanks for sharing your favourite thing to do.

Changes which can be made:

In the fourth line, the fifth word should be simple.

Poetry is my muse suimple and true

Poetry truly is expression but a bit of rhythm can be added for its essence to be enjoyed fully.

Always remember to include the line or word count for your piece.

Thanks for entering "Prodigy: Youth Writers' Competition.


Write On!

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Review of Love, Mom  
Review by Shaziane
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Unratable.)
trio in the rain SAJ signature


Hi Riot ,

This is a Showering Acts of Joy Review. *Smile*

Overall Thoughts
:

As I read there was no give away whatsoever. The piece held my attention entirely.

At the end I couldn't help but enjoy a really good laugh. You really followed the prompt in "Invalid Post"   well.

It would seem that a bit more emotion can be added to the first section for the strengthening of the piece. Though it held my attention the emotional side was not as strong as it could be.

It contained some unnecessary words and phrases.

I had to think on that for a moment. Was I okay? Well, no, my mother was dead. My face told her what words couldn’t. No, I really was not okay. I finally managed to find my voice.

In the above less would be better.

Write On!

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19
19
Review by Shaziane
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Raindance SAJ Sig


Hi ian72 !



What can be changed:

The word went in line 1 can be removed without disrupting the flow.

The I's in lines 2, 6, 9 and 11 - 12 should be capitalized.

Though it held my interest, the piece could be made captivating with the use of constant rhyming and the removal of the unnecessary words. Then can be removed from the poem entirely.

My Likes:

The story told through this poetic form was an interesting one.

Write On!


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Review of Merlin  
Review by Shaziane
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi ~Emiily~ !

I'm Shaziane and I'll be reviewing your piece for this round of "Prodigy: Youth Writers' Competition [ASR].

The Prompt
:

Merlin the Magician has chosen YOU to be his new prodigy and learn all of his deepest and most magical secrets in wizardry.

Write a short story explaining why YOU were chosen over all who live in Camelot and what you hope to learn from this wise and wonderful wizard in King Arthur's Court.


You did a good job following the given prompt.

The Plot:

A young girl with a strange gift is given the choice of living to protect or dying to protect.

What I liked:

The story line was different from the expected and welcomed.

Changes which can be made:

In several sections a lot of unneccesary words were used.

Instead of I felt my stomach growl, My stomach growled could replace it.

I reached down can be eliminated from I reached down and grabbed one of the cats

Always remember to include the line or word count for your piece.

Thanks for entering "Prodigy: Youth Writers' Competition.


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Review of World View  
Review by Shaziane
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Iowegian Skye !

Overall Thoughts
:

This acrostic piece brings across it's question clearly with questions about the world on both sides. The form and expression used are both held throughout and help to add a sense of desperation.

The picture above adds also and I most say...I'm quite in love with it especially the pupil. *Smile*

Write On!

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22
22
Review of nothin left back  
Review by Shaziane
Rated: E | (4.0)
Desire and emotional need was felt. I like it.

Please reread, capitalize the pronoun I and include the apostrophes in the contractions. There are a few unnecessary words which can be omitted for stronger expression. Line 4-right back isn't needed.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Invalid Item.
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Review of Serenity  
Review by Shaziane
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi !

I'm Shaziane and I'm be reviewing your piece for this round of "Invalid Item .



What can be changed:

Serenity is misspelled in the first line.

In the third line either an apostrophe is missing in birds or an 's' on song.

I was wondering if the last line could be emphasized without the capitalization.

My Likes:

Scattering scattered was a nice touch.

A quiet hive of activity really sums it up nicely.

Write On!

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24
Review of Ice Princess  
Review by Shaziane
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Sandy !

I'm Shaziane and I'll be reviewing your piece for this round of "Invalid Item .

The Prompt
:

Anything of the writer's choosing.

The Plot:

The animals of the forest meet the cherub, Ice Princess and are blest by the dance and granted pure love.

What I liked:

Your piece was creative, and the imagery was good.

Changes which can be made:

There was a bit of repetition in the second paragraph.

In first sentence of the third paragraph, giving should be given. That same sentence is also contradicting itself.

The first two sentences of fourth paragraph can be omitted and added to the end of the third pargraph for clarity.

It seems this is the full account, yet I don't see the animals greeting the cherub.

Always remember to include the line or word count for your piece.

Thanks for entering "Invalid Item.


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Review by Shaziane
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi FutureNovelist !

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I'm Shaziane and I'll be reviewing your piece for this round of "Invalid Item .

The Prompt
:

Anything of the writer's choosing.

The Plot:

A young boy, falls into a coma after being fally injured. Though in a coma his mind is very alert, and he makes the decision to create a perfect world during his coma.

What I liked:

The imagery was vivid and allowed the reader to become tangled quickly.

This is a good opening and your cut off point is the perfect cliffhanger.

Changes which can be made:

I would have preferred if a bit of fantasy was included...for the purpose of the contest. *Smile*

The tense is switched from past to present then to past agin within the following sentence. It would be better if the past tense was used as it was before and after.

She sat down and her long blonde hair hangs down as she laid her face in her hands.

A word seems to be missing in the sentence below.

He figured since he couldn’t move nor speak, or open his eyes what had happened to him.

Always remember to include the line or word count for your piece.

Thanks for entering "Invalid Item.


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