|Hi Wilma Seke !
I'm Shaziane and I'll be reviewing your piece for this round of "Prodigy: Youth Writers' Competition" [ASR].
"June Prompt" : Nursery rhymes and fairy tales; we've grown up with them. Take a fairy tale or a nursery rhyme of your choice and write a story with that as your prompt.
You did a good job following the given prompt.
What I liked:
'Mirror! Mirror!' was a pleasure to read. The piece held my interest throughout. The plot was creative, and your writing has the tone of fairy tales, both draw the reader into the story.
The end of paragraph 14 seems to foreshadow the abortion of Durinda's baby. I love the twist. Nice red-herring.
The last sentence spoken by the main character ends the piece perfectly.
So, mirror mirror on the wall...whose the fairest one of all?
Changes which can be made:
The corrections mentioned pertain to the structure and grammar.
Your use of words helps set the pace. Sometimes using less words is the key to maintain the reader's interest.
Do not repeat, unless it enhances the piece.
Punctuation is important: it helps the reader to better understand the piece/ what is being said. Its placement changes the way sentences are read, understood and also their meaning.
2nd paragraph - only to be left with nothing can be omitted without harming the piece.
3rd paragraph - The first 'a' should be omitted because it takes away from the piece. He is a nothing:
The second to last sentence would add more substance, if it were made the last sentence. Durinda, I forbid you to marry him!
5th paragraph - change 'as' to a comma (,( in the second sentence away could also be omitted. she soon began to see what a horrible mistake she had made as gradually her love faded away.
14th paragraph - (Typo) Omit the space between she and 'd.
16th paragraph - of this can be removed.an old face poked her head out of the door. sounds a bit odd and can be re-worded.
17th paragraph - for a second of the first sentence and the first word of the second and third sentences; But and And can also be omitted.
25th paragraph - In the last sentence intoshould be changed to in. Also tempting can be changed to begging for clarity. ...remained engraved into her mind, constantly whispering to her, tempting to be spoken
28th paragraph - In the last sentence, a comma(',') can be added for clarity. Hearing that something inside of Durinda snapped and she refused to take no for an answer.
29th paragraph - Since only one book was mentioned in the piece there is no need to repeat the book she had stolen. The last three words can be removed.
32nd paragraph - Here less words can be used to put over the emotional aspect more effectively. It's not for me it's for, just as she was saying that, and snatched them up can be removed.
33rd paragraph - In the first and fifth sentences just, who and as person can be removed without changing the meaning.
Also in the fifth sentence, as quickly as can be changed to quicker than. Both Narissa and Miriam had entered Durinda's life gradually while in their death it could be said that they were ripped away suddenly (without warning ans completely unlike their entrances).
Parts of the third and seventh sentences contradict each other. The third state with each curse...her emotions numb. while the fifth says that she was Forcing herself to be calm. When one's emotions becomes numb there is a calm.
35th paragraph - In the second sentence, read over this can be changed to re-read a. The latter flows more smoothly. Since the spell isn't specified at this stage the article a is more appropriate.
In the third sentence, that day is unnecessary and can be omitted.
42nd & 43rd paragraphs - The last sentence of the forty-third paragraph reads So, mirror mirror on the wall...whose the fairest one of all?" But it was never mentioned before that be put the mirror on the wall simply that be held it up to his face in the thirty-ninth paragraph.
I suggest that you continue the forty-second paragraph in this manner: But his words were drowned out by her hysterical cackle. He saw her face as thouigh through a this mist, as she propped the mirror on a wall.
whose should be who's, the contraction of who is.
Always remember to include the line or word count for your piece.
Thanks for entering "Prodigy: Youth Writers' Competition" .
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