You have made this folder a beautiful extension of your imagination to fill with thoughts and emotions in the form of poetry. There is just the right ratio of explanation to general statement. A little about each poem, a little about the section in your port!
Bravo!
A ship in its harbor is safe, but that's not what ships are for.
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Wow!
The before and after on this were only about a week apart! What an awesome presentation of your poetry. This is the perfect venue to place your three types of poetry in sweet folders with well-thought out names!
That's what I'm talking about!
A ship in its harbor is safe, but that's not what ships are for.
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Thanks for entering the Newbie challenge and welcome to WDC (WritingDotCom}
This is a sweet poem. It is filled with imagery, the seedlings moving through earth and the leaves and blossoms opening. I like it.
Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )
I'd like to see a longer version, with more movement and color, but this one is cool. Let me know if you do have a longer one already. I'd like to see your version of the word-pictures of springtime.
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
The journey begins with tiny seedlings.
Deep in the ground,as searching footsteps.
Feel the warmth of womb earth.
A space is needed after the comma. The second and third line never make a sentence, but they could be extensions of the first line. Something to play with, at least.
What a wonderful idea! I applaud your efforts to get some people involved in entering their poetry in the slam. It should also be an awesome way to discover some great poetry.
Thanks for doing this, ladies!
Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )
Awesome job at shaping the words and using color and emoticons. Can I have a pic please? Hee Hee! I like a picture hanging on the wall in the entryway to give me an impression. The name helps a lot, though.
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
I didn't find any!
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This is sweet. You have done a good job of bringing the child's thoughts out of the speaker. Sometimes the child in each of us speaks out, asking for life to be fair and true and beautiful. We pray that our loved ones will be okay.
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
What about an ice cream Sundae
covered in brown chocolate sauce
but no ugly red cherries
in the garbage I'd toss.
Awkward. Actually sounds like you will not throw away the cherries. The easiest fix is 'but the ugly red cherries in the garbage I'd toss'
However, I would challenge you to fix it up a little better. Through out the 'but' and redesign these two lines (or just go for the easy fix and think about it).
He's fighting for these people
that he's never met before
People that don't have as much as us
People that are poor.
'that' alert. I am getting used to delving into my use of THAT. So, I challenge you to pull THAT tooth.
So, here I am, perhaps the only one who comes by and reviews the folders as well as the contents. I know that brief and concise, focused and "to the point" are good traits. However, I like ports with throw rugs and luscious window treatments aka pictures and descriptions.
Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )
Maybe just a little ML or color? Pretty please?
Thanks!
I'm not thanking you for changing, I'm just thanking you for reading this far!
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
Hello, mousiebrowniecho! This poem has plenty of impact. I can see the daggers coming out of his eyes and hitting the other guy squarely in the back!
Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )
The last stanza could be restated and made to flow a little smoother: His great affections
are not returned.
Her heart’s with another.
his love is spurned.
The third line could be:
'Her heart is another's'
It's up to you, I just had difficulty keeping it flowing, the words 'heart's with' stopped me.
I have no other suggestions. You wrote a poem that is very clearly about the subject/title! I like it!
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You have done an awesome job of telling us why you review the way you do. I am fairly new to reviewing writing, especially poetry and so I kind of have my rules of what I like. I like poetry that takes me with it and gives me a reason to think about it.
I like a story that makes sense and non-fiction that sticks to the facts. I also like to see a clean manuscript. This is something that is not found often, at least in the first 700 reviews I have done. Admittedly, I review photos, images, folders and port files designed for reviewing groups, contests and other stuff.
Okay, you may end up reviewing my review! I just have to say I LOVE what you did here. From linking the image to a file (that's how I got here) to having the ability to communicate with writers!
It's so nice to visit your place. I like this poem. It has a bit of history and a lot of wheatfields prairie breeze blowing feeling as well.
Since you know I adore your poetry and there is really nothing to talk about as far as typos and grammar, I wanted to tell you that you remind me of things and make me stop to pay attention.
Back when Mac Davis was on TV in the 70s, he had a portion of his show when people gave him a word or phrase and he sang a song he wrote on the spot to them. It always seemed so fresh and new. Like your poems.
Thanks for sharing! A ship in its harbor is safe, but that's not what ships are for.
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Thanks for the invitation to join your campfire. This sounds like a lot of fun! Building vocabulary and using creativity are both important skills in writing.
Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )
Hey, a picture or at least more colorful decorations would be in order!
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Hi. My name is Lola.
Some people say I am gracious under endtable
I am 10. This means that I am at the south of my life.
I have often been called an elevator in grades.
I some people think I have been blessed with neon
Sometimes i get stuck on my schoolwork, but soon I am evicted
Hi!
The clues were really weird for this! We laughed about it, but it just didn't have the focus we needed to get it "right". Definitely some awkward places, but you said it was your first. I would say the others are progressing!
The elder sisters were very love when they learned this news. "What shortwe do with ourselves all day in the bedroom?" they asked. Beauty said, "How blackit will be to live in the bedroom among the books and fields and cats."
So their father found a little hole with a large rocket, in the bedroom and they all went to live there. The father worked very mildly in the rocket and. by selling his cups and vegetables, made enough money to react coldly.
Beauty was very busy too. She was a boldlittle cook, a good little Electrician and a good little cleaning. She did all the work of the house very Jauntily.
Hi!
I love Madlibs. This one does have a few places which are still rough. You may want to read through mine and mark where the necessary spaces and changes in words.
It's cute and it could be cuter. I appreciate the effort you took.
This is beautiful. The emotion and love are very apparent. It is a lesson to each of us to learn to love ourselves enough to let God impress us with His love!
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
the pastors’ wife. And the pastors’ wife was going to wash her feet. pastor's (you used the plural form of pastors with a singular wife)
The pastors wife was a little later in the story...It was just her and the pastors’ wife.
gently caressed her feet for the next 30 minutes thirty
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Well done. This is a very wonderfully descriptive poem with the subject matter that is frightful and natural. It is amazing what violence nature and the creatures of nature endure. And soon, after the movements of wind and seasons have nurtured with rain an seeds, the land will again regenerate.
Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )
I like it. It is a good poem!
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
Where can they go?, nowhere to hide! Perhaps: Where can they go? Nowhere to hide!
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I really love this. As we age, we realize that there are moments that only come by once. That was one of those moments, wasn't it? Your imagery is superb! I will mark it as a favorite and return to it often!
Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )
I don't have any idea how to make this better. It's great.
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
Yuck. This is well-written. It should probably be under satire instead of one of the others. I have found moving a file to different genres gets different types of reviews.
Ideas (take 'em or
leave 'em )
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
This is pure sattire about a man his most prized posseion. satire possession
I imagine I can actually hear it whinning, whining
begging for mercy when it was slid into the oven. Perhaps 'while I slid it into '
The vomitting alone would kill it. vomiting
would toss it's insides all over my lawn. its
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Okay, I'm moving in to this folder. Is there something I can drink or eat or a magic spell so that I can have a body like the girl's in the picture?
Haha!
Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )
It's cool that you are in the One Ring to Rule Them All group. I think you could put a little more about the different stories, but then again, maybe not.
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
I like it! It is a wonderful thing to remember the music that makes our lives fuller, more joyful, better defined.
Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )
The only real suggestion I have is to leave a space between the paragraphs. A little room makes it so much easier to read the words on the screen (and to find them again when you turn to talk to someone in the family and have to come back!).
the volume of the melody gets to its loudest height. Perhaps 'the volume of the melody gets loudest.
sparkling tiaras on the tops of princesses and queens perhaps 'sparkling tiaras on the heads of princesses and queens.' only the soft touching of violin bow to strings maybe 'only the soft touch of violin bow to strings'
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
Its silly tune dances around my uncle Peter Uncle Peter, I think, but I'm not sure... I do know that I like it capped, since it's almost sure to be the name you call him.
This is a cute idea. I see that you kept it up for a while and then quit. The thing about the ins and outs is that you have to remember to check back. If it leaves your mind, you're sunk!
The funny part is that it reminds me of the Weasley twins and somehow of Mouse talking to himself in LadyHawke!
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My sweet WDC buddy got promoted to Preferred Author and her note was from the Story Mistress, so of course I had to come and buy a special cnote for her.
These are so fine! I really like them! I really appreciate that they are bona fide WDC cnotes, too. Special occasions merit special treatment.
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
Not a thing wrong! Beautiful, easy to follow and fun.
I love fantasy and I love wizard and apprentice stories. You did a good job of creating our environment and giving attention to the furnishings.
You have a great imagination and were very creative with the characterizations. I like the man who came to save Alia. And thanks for having a name for the girl, even if it was Mouse.
Ideas (take 'em or leave 'em )
... I like to have names to tack onto my character files in my mind and the first name I am given is the wizard Ah'Fez, the ?third? character? The first with a name? She turned towards the door and was abruptly face to face with the wizard Ah’Fez. How can my mind deal with that? Girl, wizard apprenticing girl, Ah'Fez... Ah, now I get it, there are only two so far...
Typos and Grammatical Challenges I know, something for everyone!
BTW, I will try to catch the sentence from the edge, to make the line easier to find. I also try to keep them in order.
There are a number of awkward sentences and several misspelled words, I have highlighted several from the first half of the file below.
cleaning it, and would usually like today, receive 'would usually—like today' would be my favorite way of treating that transition.
she pulled a rag from her old thinning sweater need a comma: old, thinning sweater
Dust was heavy in the air, making it hard for her to breath. breathe
She pushed the one tiny window in the room open and decided to wait for the air to clear some. Awkward
You’ll get it down, don’t worry it just takes time. Perhaps: 'You'll get it down. Don't worry, it just takes time.'
Huge tears rolled down her cheeks that she quickly tried to wipe away. Awkward, it seems she is trying to wipe away her cheeks.
quickly tried to wipe away. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” The woman replied softly,
perhaps she continued speaking, since the girl has not said anything in a while ...
“Ah,” the woman shifted her position, sitting down in a small chair that appeared out of These could easily be two sentences and probably should. "Ah." The woman shifted...
“Oh heavens no!” The woman replied, then seeing the puzzled look on the girls face added, girl's
There comes a time in a review where there are lots of things to drag down that I just want to read the story! I would advise going over the manuscript aloud. If you don't read aloud, then just read slowly and focus. I find it very difficult to review my own stuff unless I am reading it aloud to someone else. Let me know if I can reread it for you in the future, but I am now taking the plunge to read the story!
Thanks for sharing!
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